"Some jerk named Earl, come on down! Some overly bubbly college student on crack named Mandy, come on down! Some old person named Jake, come on down! And one of the creeps who got here at 5:30 a.m. just to be first in line named Vince, come on down! These are the four schmucks to play on The Price is Random!! And here is your magnanimous emcee, Dr. Delighted!!"
Welcome to another episode of The Price is Random! Once again, I have an opportunity to pay down my debts by using my annoying public persona to personal advantage. Right now, while my models try to finagle a million bucks by posing nude online, let's meet our 4 contestants. Whoa! What hole in hell did you 4 crawl out of? Sheesh, I really need to stop drinking my breakfast, you're a shock for bloodshot eyes! All right Earl, where are you from?
Earl: Do you care?
Not really, and you really know how to establsih a relationship, don't you? And how about you, Mandy?
Mandy: Oh wow! I want to win! WIN WIN WIN!!
I meant where are you from?
Mandy: I am from MY MOTHER, YEAH!!!!!!
I bet she's wishing you took out student loans to owe for life! And Jake, how are you today?
Jake: What?
Glad to hear! And Vince, maybe I should have shared my breakfast with you, guy, you look starved!
Jake: I'm totally cool, dude! Ready to spin that wheel!
I think it's still at the shop, Verna the 100 year old yesterday almost ripped it off its axle. She was a little high on the Metamucil and prune juice! All right, here is our overly skinny blonde model Chelsea with the first item to make a random price guess on.
"It's a can opener! Not electric, you actually have to use a little hand muscle to work this one! Anyone with a knowledge of simple machines can figure it out!"
All right, thank you, mysterious announcer! Earl, how much do you think that costs?
Earl: $400
Dude, you ever been to Dollar Tree? Mandy?
Mandy: Umm, I think it's....$402!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!
Mandy, who exactly are you shouting at every time you're asked to speak?
Mandy: My sorority sisters, baby!!!!!!!
Coooooool.....NOT! And Jake, how much would you pay?
Jake: What?
HOW MUCH WOULD YOU PAY?!
Jake: Oh, for what?
Yeah, we'll put you at $405 And Vince?
Vince: Oh wow....I think I'll bid $399
Interesting move. We don't do overbid do-overs here, they're stupid. The real price for the can opener is...$3.99, VINCE WON!!! Come on up, buddy! So you stood first in line for how long?
Vince: Like 4 hours!
Oh man, just to get on this Game Show Channel ripoff! You have guts, man! All right, Chelsea is coming back on the stage showing off a recently expanded rack and reduced can in that red bikini. Between you and me, Vince, from the hits she already has on Pornhub, there was nothing that needed fixing!
All right, Chelsea has set up the mud game! Above you is a cauldron of boiling mud. Over here is a new car. Actually, it's a used piece of crap from the Compton Car Max. All you need to do is take a stab at how much it's selling for. If you're within a $2,000 range of the price you get the car, the money representing the cost which you'll use to pay the taxes. If you're way above or way below, the mud will spill onto you, causing severe burns and possibly death.
Vince: Isn't that illegal?
You signed a waiver, my good man. OK, because I like you and you've answered my questions somewhat intelligently, I will give you 3 shots at this. Go!
Vince: Er, um, $3,200!
Wrong!
Vince: Ouch! What was that?"
Just a small drop of mud on your shoulder. Better get this right soon!
Vince: Oh crap! Hmm...I'l say $5,000!
Oh no! Feel that on your shoe?
Vince: Damn, man! Those were new Adidas! I'll say....$1,500!
YES!!! The actual price was $945! You get that and the car! Wait a minute....I just heard the wheel is back in action. See you in a bit. Try to eat something from the snack bar if you can, you look emaciated!
"You want me to announce the next contestant?"
NO! I think these 3 are all I can handle with a fake smile. Give us the next item!
"Next up is a blender! Yes, this is one you have to plug in! You can mix, blend, whip, crush ice, whatever the hell you want to do if you can read buttons! Furnished by Salvation Army!"
I love these high end items. Earl, what do you say?
Earl: I'd say $43!
I swear nobody listens here. Mandy?
Mandy: $44, YEAH BABY!!!!!
I've heard Chelsea say that in reverse cowgirl position! And Jake? JAKE!
Jake: I heard you, you loudmouthed weasel! $5500!
That'll be a long bus ride home! Actual price....$5.50! Earl, you won! Come on up!
Earl: Thanks. Where's that hot momma Chelsea?
She went backstage to get away from you drooling. Thanks a lot, man! So now we have our older heavier model who works at Steve's Coffee Shop at night. And here she is, already dressed in her turquoise uniform already. Meet Louise!
Earl: Damn!
You look once, Earl, just once and commit the bodies to memory. Your fault, man. All right, step over to this red circle and step right inside it. Almost like it was a trap, right?
Earl: My feet are stuck!
Small coincidence. As you see over there, Louise is modeling, to put it nicely, a pool table without much felt left on it. Therefore, it is heavily discounted. Since you've been pretty surly toward me, I am giving you one shot here. All you have to do is give me any price that is below what we bought it for. If you get it right, you get the table and a chance at the wheel. If not, you drop through the floor, down a long chute that leads to one of three locations: the studio dumpster, the Denny's parking lot, or the set of "The View" in the studio next door.
Earl: Oh crap....wow...that table can't be worth more than....oh wait...
SAY IT ALREADY!!!
Earl: $250?
Oh no, Earl! We paid a measly $45 just to get it out of some dead guy's home during an estate sale. Bye bye now! Whoa, I wonder where he went? Ah, I hear Joy Behar shouting. Best of luck to Earl there.
All right, I'm holding here a clock, an analog clock. All Mandy and Jake have to do is give me the right time. Mandy?
Mandy: Oh wow, WHAT IS THAT THING???
I just told you, you twit!
Mandy: I wasn't listening, could you say it again?
It again. Jake, WHAT TIME IS IT ON THE CLOCK?
Jake: 6:17! I'm good now, my hearing aid was off.
Way to go, Jake! We don't have time for another elimination game, so come join Vince at the wheel. The object here is to land on a number, any number. No second spin. Vince, go.....and it lands on......7! Jake, spin........you got 8! You won!
Jake: What did I win?
You won Chelsea for the night, the pool table, and no taxes on any of them! And goodbye to our audience. Remember, keep your pets in your own damn yard so they don't get run over! Til next time!
Friday, June 28, 2019
Tuesday, June 11, 2019
Come on down....I mean it!
"Ladies and pretend ladies and gentlemen and assholes and anyone else who is tuning into us for some reason, it is time for America's least favorite game show. That's right, your remote battery just died, so you are now stuck watching...
SERIOUS AND HONEST TRIVIA. And here is your host... DR DELIGHTED!"
Thank you! And thank you to my agent who got me this gig to help me pay off my student loans in just 25 years instead of 55. And now it's time to play our game. Sitting in contestant row, we have 3 souls who think they know what's what. I am about to show them what is what.
First up is Doug, a surfer who lives in Omaha. Next is-
Doug: Aeren't you going to ask me about myself?
No.I already gave enough info. In all honesty I don't care, the audience doesn't care, and the morons who didn't change the remote batteries really don't give a flying crap, especially since we won't see you on the next episode...IF there is a next episode. Now, if I may continue, next is Hillary, a corn farmer from Yuma. Finally, we have Chuck, a former stock analyst teaching drama at some community college nobody has ever heard of.
The rules are this: I ask a question, you buzz in by trying to press a really light-triggered button first and answer correctly. If you answer correctly, you will win some money. If you answer incorrectly, a trap door will open under you and you will be escorted by top-notch trigger-happy former mall cops to the parking garage.
Chuck: What happens if we don't buzz in on time?
Then nothing, you'll have to wait for the next question, you moron. Granted, I did try for electric current under your seats to teach you to buzz in faster, but you know those legal teams, always killing the fun.
Hillary: How much money do we win for answering right?
Answering CORRECTLY! You will get more than you deserve, which is $500 for each question. At the end of the game whoever is left wins. After you win, there is the usual bonus round where yoiu have a chance to win $6,437.54.
Hillary: Why such a strange amount?
It is not a strange amount, it is an HONEST amount, meaning it is what is left after we cut out what the state and federal tax agencies demand. Before we start, let's have some dog food commercials as they were the only ones who would sponsor this farce.
While those imaginary ads play, I have to say, I used to be a fan of game shows. The contestants were fairly intelligent, especially when it came to quizzes like Tic Tac Dough and Jeopardy. Celebrity game shows were good but only because we wanted to listen to how funny the stars were after the Wednesday taping recess when everyone got hammered.
Now we have idiots. Many of these idiots can be found on GSN-produced shows, where the prize is thankfully not above what they deserve, usually $15,000 tops. We have of course always had morons on Wheel of Fortune who don't want to challenge themselves beyond basic letter knowledge.
I think we can finally put Family Feud to rest. The whole object now is to make Steve Harvey make his classic faux-shocked face. It is beyond corny, it is completely stupid. Female-pawing and kissing Richard Dawson is rolling in his grave I am sure! OK, the dogs are fed their Alpo, let us return to the good doctor!
All right, let's do this. Your first question is, Who played Gerard in "The Fugitive"?
Doug buzzes in: Will Ferrell?
No! Goodbye! (Doug drops away) Anyone else? No? I would have accepted Barry Morse for the original TV version, Tommy Lee Jones for the movie, or Mykelti Williamson for the pathetic TV remake in 2000. Wow, this will be a faster game than I imagined!
All right, which letter in our alphabet has a Greek equivalent as Alpha?
Hillary buzzes in: A?
Yes! Would you like to get an additonal $500 to name our equivalent for Beta?
Hillary: Do I have to buzz in?
No, this is a freebie, practically given on a platter.
Hillary: Um, D?
No, it is Beta.
Hillary (looking down): I'm not dropping?
Unfortunately not, since you didn't have to buzz in for it. All right, here we go. What is the name for an answer in a subtraction equation?
Chuck buzzes in: Sum.
No and goodbye to you! (Chuck drops down). That was "some" kind of dumb, the answer was difference! All right, Hillary! You have won $500, which is below the revenue agency radar, so it is yours to keep. However, you now have a chance to win $6,437.54, bringing your total to $6,937.54. Yes, I can do head math without the help of an announcer.
Hillary: Ooh, what's the bonus round about?
Ooh, nothing to ooh about. I give you a multiple choice question while the studio lights change to a red hue to make it look and seem more dramatic. Some light drums making my hangover worse somehow adds to it according to the producer. Are you ready?
Hillary: Uh huh.
High schools, you need to stress public speaking more. Just 15 seconds, here we go! Which one of these was not one of the Musketeers?
a. D'Artagnan
b. Athos
c. Star Lord
Hillary: Oh geez...golly...ohhhhh....ummm.....I'll pick a.
You should have picked your nose, you would have gotten more gold. No, it was c. Well, you won $500. That should pay for a Burger King combo and gas back to Yuma, then take your friends for a celebratory hammering for winning what might be one of the lowest amounts in game show history. Good night, everyone!
SERIOUS AND HONEST TRIVIA. And here is your host... DR DELIGHTED!"
Thank you! And thank you to my agent who got me this gig to help me pay off my student loans in just 25 years instead of 55. And now it's time to play our game. Sitting in contestant row, we have 3 souls who think they know what's what. I am about to show them what is what.
First up is Doug, a surfer who lives in Omaha. Next is-
Doug: Aeren't you going to ask me about myself?
No.I already gave enough info. In all honesty I don't care, the audience doesn't care, and the morons who didn't change the remote batteries really don't give a flying crap, especially since we won't see you on the next episode...IF there is a next episode. Now, if I may continue, next is Hillary, a corn farmer from Yuma. Finally, we have Chuck, a former stock analyst teaching drama at some community college nobody has ever heard of.
The rules are this: I ask a question, you buzz in by trying to press a really light-triggered button first and answer correctly. If you answer correctly, you will win some money. If you answer incorrectly, a trap door will open under you and you will be escorted by top-notch trigger-happy former mall cops to the parking garage.
Chuck: What happens if we don't buzz in on time?
Then nothing, you'll have to wait for the next question, you moron. Granted, I did try for electric current under your seats to teach you to buzz in faster, but you know those legal teams, always killing the fun.
Hillary: How much money do we win for answering right?
Answering CORRECTLY! You will get more than you deserve, which is $500 for each question. At the end of the game whoever is left wins. After you win, there is the usual bonus round where yoiu have a chance to win $6,437.54.
Hillary: Why such a strange amount?
It is not a strange amount, it is an HONEST amount, meaning it is what is left after we cut out what the state and federal tax agencies demand. Before we start, let's have some dog food commercials as they were the only ones who would sponsor this farce.
While those imaginary ads play, I have to say, I used to be a fan of game shows. The contestants were fairly intelligent, especially when it came to quizzes like Tic Tac Dough and Jeopardy. Celebrity game shows were good but only because we wanted to listen to how funny the stars were after the Wednesday taping recess when everyone got hammered.
Now we have idiots. Many of these idiots can be found on GSN-produced shows, where the prize is thankfully not above what they deserve, usually $15,000 tops. We have of course always had morons on Wheel of Fortune who don't want to challenge themselves beyond basic letter knowledge.
I think we can finally put Family Feud to rest. The whole object now is to make Steve Harvey make his classic faux-shocked face. It is beyond corny, it is completely stupid. Female-pawing and kissing Richard Dawson is rolling in his grave I am sure! OK, the dogs are fed their Alpo, let us return to the good doctor!
All right, let's do this. Your first question is, Who played Gerard in "The Fugitive"?
Doug buzzes in: Will Ferrell?
No! Goodbye! (Doug drops away) Anyone else? No? I would have accepted Barry Morse for the original TV version, Tommy Lee Jones for the movie, or Mykelti Williamson for the pathetic TV remake in 2000. Wow, this will be a faster game than I imagined!
All right, which letter in our alphabet has a Greek equivalent as Alpha?
Hillary buzzes in: A?
Yes! Would you like to get an additonal $500 to name our equivalent for Beta?
Hillary: Do I have to buzz in?
No, this is a freebie, practically given on a platter.
Hillary: Um, D?
No, it is Beta.
Hillary (looking down): I'm not dropping?
Unfortunately not, since you didn't have to buzz in for it. All right, here we go. What is the name for an answer in a subtraction equation?
Chuck buzzes in: Sum.
No and goodbye to you! (Chuck drops down). That was "some" kind of dumb, the answer was difference! All right, Hillary! You have won $500, which is below the revenue agency radar, so it is yours to keep. However, you now have a chance to win $6,437.54, bringing your total to $6,937.54. Yes, I can do head math without the help of an announcer.
Hillary: Ooh, what's the bonus round about?
Ooh, nothing to ooh about. I give you a multiple choice question while the studio lights change to a red hue to make it look and seem more dramatic. Some light drums making my hangover worse somehow adds to it according to the producer. Are you ready?
Hillary: Uh huh.
High schools, you need to stress public speaking more. Just 15 seconds, here we go! Which one of these was not one of the Musketeers?
a. D'Artagnan
b. Athos
c. Star Lord
Hillary: Oh geez...golly...ohhhhh....ummm.....I'll pick a.
You should have picked your nose, you would have gotten more gold. No, it was c. Well, you won $500. That should pay for a Burger King combo and gas back to Yuma, then take your friends for a celebratory hammering for winning what might be one of the lowest amounts in game show history. Good night, everyone!
Monday, May 27, 2019
It's a Bird, It's....nah, Just Richard Pryor!
There are times when you just scratch your head wondering what the hell happened. This usually happens when I try cooking something way above my skill level and the entire fire department arrives, or I try driving what I see as a shortcut only to find I added 50 miles and two hours to the trip. In the case of movies, I feel this about Superman 3.
When you start with a spectacular film about one of the greatest DC superheroes, then have an even more awesome sequel that spawned an alternate (actually ORIGINAL) version 25 years later, you'd think that the third one would be just as, if not more, AWESOME!
Don't get me wrong, there are some great elements in Superman 3. Specifically, Christopher Reeve himself was the jewel as he got to play a good AND bad Superman. The battle between the 2 in a junkyard is spectacular. Add to that a revisit to Clark's high school and a reunion with his first crush Lana Lang is a refreshing change from the Lois Lane story, which had run its course by the end of 2. So...what the hell happened?
The culprit is Richard Pryor, who makes the whole movie his. And don't mistake me for disliking him, for Pryor was a gifted performer who made a lot of funny and a couple of dramatic films as well, I admire the man. That being said, this was not one of his highlights.
I can't blame it all on Pryor, however. The backstory of the film had a totally different villain making it more sci fi than action, along with more Kryptonian family revealed. That apparently fell through. Then there is the director Richard Lester who brought us Beatles and Musketeers movies in the 60s and 70s. He has turned the Superman franchise into a bit of slapstick comedy. The opening foretells this.
The first 2 films had grand openings with John Williams music playing over cast and credits. This movie begins with Pryor's character Gus Gorman being rejected at the unemployment office, followed by a lot of Murphy's Law street scenes of Metropolis as the credits roll upward. The music is also quite uninspired here and way too lighthearted for a movie's beginning.
We then see Gorman learning computers at his new job and geing quite talented at 80s-style coding. He is disgruntled at his paycheck deductions and uses his coding skills to get himself a bigger paycheck (a plot tool used later in "Office Space"). The boss Ross Webster discovers this through Gus's extravagant showing off of his wealth. Webster blackmails him into using the computer skills for Webster's own gain, such as ruining Colombia's coffee crop (which Superman thwarts)and the world's oil supply.
Meanwhile, Clark Kent goes to his high school reunion with Jimmy Olsen via bus. Clark sees what a dull bastard Jimmy is and creates a chemical plant fire to main Jimmy...just kidding, there is a chemical plant fire where Jimmy is hurt while taking pictures. Clark then goes on to his reunion and sees that a lot of people never change....which reflects real life quite well. He does, however, have a warm reunion with Lana Lang, one of those girls who realizes what she could have had if she didn't conform to social norms of the 60s....if she only knew!
Ross Webster is furious at his Colombia failure and has Gus create Kryptonite to kill Superman. However, Gus realizes there is an unknown element and puts tar in it. When Superman is presented with it during a civic welcoming ceremony, he soon becomes not dead but rather selfish, and soon embarks on destructive activities, even helping Webster by sabotaging an oil tanker.
Superman is also feeling guilty and self-loathing at this point, and after getting drunk and hearing a rah rah speech from Lana Lang's kid, his soul breaks him in 2, the good Clark and the evil Superman, and a great fight ensues in a junkyard. While evil Superman seems to dominate the fight, Clark keeps getting up for more. This angers and fatigues the bad Superman and at the end Clark strangles him easily, making him disappear. The real Superman is back and goes about undoing his oil damage.
He is then lured to the Grand Canyon where Webster has built Gus's mega-computer in a cave. Gus, Ross, his sister Vera, and girlfriend Lorelei are already there and firing missiles at Superman, one of which knocks him out for a bit. When he enters the cave, Vera fires real Kryptonite rays at him (how they got it right is not explained). Gus realizes how wrong this has become and starts damaging his own computer. However, the computer has taken on a life of its own and turns on its operators, gathering power forn the nation to feed itself. Superman grabs some acid (no you stoner, I mean from the rescued chemical plant!) and uses it to Trojan Horse the computer, destroying it and causing much damage that we can't quite figure out why the Department of the Interior doesn't get pissed.
From there, Superman spares Gus from the authorities since Gus tried to save him while Ross and his ladies are assumedly taken to justice. He then goes to see (as Clark) Lana and her son, recently transplanted to Metropolis and they share a moment as he replaces her diamind ring she had to pawn to pay bills (aww). At the end, she is Perry White's new secretary.
Now, I know I oversimplified the story, ignoring a lot of little stuff, but the little stuff didn't help. Lois Lane has maybe 5 minutes of screen time and the Daily Planet itself is like scenes at MI6 in James Bond films only less classy. Way too many Richard Pryor moments of frightened vocal sounds ("In Living Color" had a great sketch of this mannerism in its first season) make you think you're watching deleted scenes from "Stir Crazy". There are some "tender" scenes with Lana Lang and her son. Nothing wrong with those, since Annette O'Toole was well-cast. Another element is Brad, the high school football player whose glory days have been replaced with booze and he can't udnerstand why Lana wants no part of him but prefers "nice" Clark.
I actually do like this movie. If you watch a syndicated version, the opening credits are right at the start and show space and play the real Superman theme, while Gus's unemployment office scene and the street comedy come after (if you cut the street scenes, the movie gels a bit better). The theme about technology taking over (mirrored in the same year's "Wargames") is just as prevalent today. The comedy (or rather ATTEMPTED comedy) was what tore the film apart at times.
Next up: another Bond flick.
When you start with a spectacular film about one of the greatest DC superheroes, then have an even more awesome sequel that spawned an alternate (actually ORIGINAL) version 25 years later, you'd think that the third one would be just as, if not more, AWESOME!
Don't get me wrong, there are some great elements in Superman 3. Specifically, Christopher Reeve himself was the jewel as he got to play a good AND bad Superman. The battle between the 2 in a junkyard is spectacular. Add to that a revisit to Clark's high school and a reunion with his first crush Lana Lang is a refreshing change from the Lois Lane story, which had run its course by the end of 2. So...what the hell happened?
The culprit is Richard Pryor, who makes the whole movie his. And don't mistake me for disliking him, for Pryor was a gifted performer who made a lot of funny and a couple of dramatic films as well, I admire the man. That being said, this was not one of his highlights.
I can't blame it all on Pryor, however. The backstory of the film had a totally different villain making it more sci fi than action, along with more Kryptonian family revealed. That apparently fell through. Then there is the director Richard Lester who brought us Beatles and Musketeers movies in the 60s and 70s. He has turned the Superman franchise into a bit of slapstick comedy. The opening foretells this.
The first 2 films had grand openings with John Williams music playing over cast and credits. This movie begins with Pryor's character Gus Gorman being rejected at the unemployment office, followed by a lot of Murphy's Law street scenes of Metropolis as the credits roll upward. The music is also quite uninspired here and way too lighthearted for a movie's beginning.
We then see Gorman learning computers at his new job and geing quite talented at 80s-style coding. He is disgruntled at his paycheck deductions and uses his coding skills to get himself a bigger paycheck (a plot tool used later in "Office Space"). The boss Ross Webster discovers this through Gus's extravagant showing off of his wealth. Webster blackmails him into using the computer skills for Webster's own gain, such as ruining Colombia's coffee crop (which Superman thwarts)and the world's oil supply.
Meanwhile, Clark Kent goes to his high school reunion with Jimmy Olsen via bus. Clark sees what a dull bastard Jimmy is and creates a chemical plant fire to main Jimmy...just kidding, there is a chemical plant fire where Jimmy is hurt while taking pictures. Clark then goes on to his reunion and sees that a lot of people never change....which reflects real life quite well. He does, however, have a warm reunion with Lana Lang, one of those girls who realizes what she could have had if she didn't conform to social norms of the 60s....if she only knew!
Ross Webster is furious at his Colombia failure and has Gus create Kryptonite to kill Superman. However, Gus realizes there is an unknown element and puts tar in it. When Superman is presented with it during a civic welcoming ceremony, he soon becomes not dead but rather selfish, and soon embarks on destructive activities, even helping Webster by sabotaging an oil tanker.
Superman is also feeling guilty and self-loathing at this point, and after getting drunk and hearing a rah rah speech from Lana Lang's kid, his soul breaks him in 2, the good Clark and the evil Superman, and a great fight ensues in a junkyard. While evil Superman seems to dominate the fight, Clark keeps getting up for more. This angers and fatigues the bad Superman and at the end Clark strangles him easily, making him disappear. The real Superman is back and goes about undoing his oil damage.
He is then lured to the Grand Canyon where Webster has built Gus's mega-computer in a cave. Gus, Ross, his sister Vera, and girlfriend Lorelei are already there and firing missiles at Superman, one of which knocks him out for a bit. When he enters the cave, Vera fires real Kryptonite rays at him (how they got it right is not explained). Gus realizes how wrong this has become and starts damaging his own computer. However, the computer has taken on a life of its own and turns on its operators, gathering power forn the nation to feed itself. Superman grabs some acid (no you stoner, I mean from the rescued chemical plant!) and uses it to Trojan Horse the computer, destroying it and causing much damage that we can't quite figure out why the Department of the Interior doesn't get pissed.
From there, Superman spares Gus from the authorities since Gus tried to save him while Ross and his ladies are assumedly taken to justice. He then goes to see (as Clark) Lana and her son, recently transplanted to Metropolis and they share a moment as he replaces her diamind ring she had to pawn to pay bills (aww). At the end, she is Perry White's new secretary.
Now, I know I oversimplified the story, ignoring a lot of little stuff, but the little stuff didn't help. Lois Lane has maybe 5 minutes of screen time and the Daily Planet itself is like scenes at MI6 in James Bond films only less classy. Way too many Richard Pryor moments of frightened vocal sounds ("In Living Color" had a great sketch of this mannerism in its first season) make you think you're watching deleted scenes from "Stir Crazy". There are some "tender" scenes with Lana Lang and her son. Nothing wrong with those, since Annette O'Toole was well-cast. Another element is Brad, the high school football player whose glory days have been replaced with booze and he can't udnerstand why Lana wants no part of him but prefers "nice" Clark.
I actually do like this movie. If you watch a syndicated version, the opening credits are right at the start and show space and play the real Superman theme, while Gus's unemployment office scene and the street comedy come after (if you cut the street scenes, the movie gels a bit better). The theme about technology taking over (mirrored in the same year's "Wargames") is just as prevalent today. The comedy (or rather ATTEMPTED comedy) was what tore the film apart at times.
Next up: another Bond flick.
Saturday, May 18, 2019
Tucker's Tale part 3....The closing
Here we have Mr. Price, a teacher of many years in the American public school system. He has seen and experienced much. However, this year he has come across a different dimension, a dimension of snot, satanic parents, and alcohol abuse, a hell so hideous that we can only dub it...The Tucker Zone!
When last we left Mr Price, it was at Halloween when the mother tried to blackmail him to agree to her demands, then got strangely cooperative when the attempt failed. Since then, similar battles occurred over Christmas, Valentine's Day, and an attempt to cancel Spring Break.
Now we come to the end of Tucker's second grade year. It is a week before school ends. Mr. Price is doing surprisingly well for the year he has had. Almost daily dealings with Tucker's mother have put him under a strain that, seemingly, only alcohol could ease. A brief covert dalliance with Nancy's mother, while fulfilling a fantasy, had left him even emptier. After a few months in AA, he is back on top, and even more surprisingly, his self-medicating was never seen in class, even escaping Tuckers' parents' microscoping eyes.
After school, Mr. Price is cleaning his room of all the crap that tends to accumulate over a year. He sees in his desk an almost empty bottle of Mad Dog 20/20. It was his first bottle from early in the year, a few nips after school, usually after an impromptu parent meeting, that started his troubles. He looks at the bottle, smiles sadly, and tosses it in the trash.
In comes Tucker's mom. She has the smile, the fake iciness that tells Price it's gonna be one of those days. "Hello, Mr. Price, how are you?"
Fuck me! "Hi. I am fine, you?"
"Oh, just peachy keen!" She looks around at all of the classroom walls. "Why, Mr. Price, these walls look absolutely bare!"
"And yet they look so lovely to me. Eye of the beholder, you know?"
"But the school year is not over yet!"
"Ma'am, the grades are in the system already. The last week we are performing the grade level play, which Tucker is NOT a part of for some reason known only to you. Then we will have a day of playing games and cleaning the desks. On the last day, we will watch a movie of my choosing, then we will release at 12:40."
The raisin wilted. "Released?"
"Dismissed, sent to terrorize their parents for 2 1/2 months and make the parents grateful there is a school system operating 9 1/2 months of the year. Of course, for the loving yet effectively strict parents who provide a balanced household, it's a family vacation."
Tucker's mom sits down. "And which are we, Mr. Price?"
You had to dig, didn't you? "Ma'am I don't think I've ever seen 2 parents so concerned over their kid in my life, which is a compliment."
A huge smile. "Thank you!"
"That being said, I think you focus on what most people think of as peripheral things and make them central to your son's life. In school, it has not served him well."
Tucker's mom looks down for a moment, then meet's Price's sober gaze. "We parent how we parent, Mr. Price."
"Indeed you do."
"About that play, Mr. Price..."
"It will not be canceled, ma'am. The kids have worked so hard."
A look of true surprise. "Oh no! Why would you think I-" She stops, thinks, and nods. "I've done a lot this year for Tucker, I can understand your frustration. But no, I was going to ask if...what I mean is...is there any room for Tucker at all?"
You shitting me? "No."
"Please!"
"Ma'am, you made such a big deal to me, the administration of the school, and the superintendent regarding the plants play! I even assured you that Tucker would not have the broccoli part, but you pushed and pushed, so I acquiesced and had Tucker do alternate learning activities while we practiced. Why the change so late in the year?"
Mother of Tucker is visibly weeping. "It's just that Tucker has felt so, so left out of things. He has been so upset over not being in the play. He even....he even said...he said BROCCOLI!"
Holy shit! "I'll be."
"Oh yes, it was such a breakthrough! Is there not any tiny way he can take part?"
I'll do it, but hate myself in the morning, afternoon, and night. "Tell you what I'll do. I'll create a non-speaking part of a gardener who waters the plants after two songs. That way he can earn the speaking and listening grade for this project."
"But-but he won't speak!"
"But he will listen for the end of the song so he knows what to do.. That counts."
She smiles so widely that Price thinks the extra oxygen will dry her face out permanently. "Mr. Price, I KNEW you were the right teacher for Tucker, I just knew it!"
Price drops another pice of trash into the bag and stares intently at the mother. "Not really."
"Why ever would you say that?"
"Ma'am, the only teacher who is right for Tucker is...I hate to say it...YOU!"
"What? But I'm not a teacher!"
"Oh but you are. You have taught Tucker so many things. Granted, you've taught him some bizarre ideas, but as you say, we parent how we parent. You have the time for it, and only you have the ability to bring Tucker up to grade level."
She is horrified. "Why ME?!"
"Because, simply, with you and your husband as teachers, the only ones who can interfere with your ideas and philosophies are, quite frankly, YOU...and your husband."
"But-but-but we have no educational background."
"Did you graduate high school?"
"Yes."
"You have background. Teach how your teachers taught you. Take what values you've instilled in Tucker, for better or worse, and apply them to the subject areas. Of course, you'd need a home-school liaison, but that's just to make sure you're teaching and not TV watching."
The mother looks down at her hands. She seems ashamed. "But, I was so happy with his growth this year."
I was, too, but the rash went away and he returned. "Growth? Ma'am I progress-monitored him on reading, letter sounds, and math all year. You saw the charts, he flat-lined most of the time, no matter what interventions I did because you intervened on the interventions. Only at the end, in late March, did we see any rise and that was mostly math, which often happens. Having ten fingers to count is a blessing when you know how to use them, and he finally can add and subtract 2 digit numbers with no regrouping."
"That is growth, though."
Price sighs. "It is. But it's not enough for 3rd grade. As we couldn't get him tested for special ed earlier, which I now see as a blessing in disguise, he will be kept in second grade." Price holds up a hand. "And before you protest, all powers concerned agree and will override your objections despite your tenacity."
"He CAN'T be held back!"
"It's done, unless you decide to home-school him. And, if he stays, he will not be in my class."
The raisin face is in danger of implosion. "No, no, only YOU! I insist!"
"No. I will be moving to a different classroom and doing 4th grade. I need the change. A lot of us do, but some teachers stay entrenched where they are too long. I know I did."
"Oh no....I didn't expect this at all."
"I didn't expect anything this year at all. It was an eye-opener on many levels." Price reaches into his bookshelf and finds a summer activity workbook. "I want you to have this, a present from me to you."
She looks at it, a tear flowing down her cheek. "Mr. Price, I feel so responsible for this."
Wonders never cease today! "Thank you for saying that, but the only one responsible for me is me. Now, I still have a lot to clean up before I have to go to a meeting."
She is puzzled. "But it's after school now. Most teachers have gone home."
Price smiles sadly yet proudly. "This time of year, they rush out after the kids do. No, a different meeting."
Mother of Tucker rises and extends a hand. "Thank you, Mr. Price, for everything."
Price takes the hand firmly. "Actually, thank you, ma'am. You and your son have taught me a lot. Have a wonderful summer."
When last we left Mr Price, it was at Halloween when the mother tried to blackmail him to agree to her demands, then got strangely cooperative when the attempt failed. Since then, similar battles occurred over Christmas, Valentine's Day, and an attempt to cancel Spring Break.
Now we come to the end of Tucker's second grade year. It is a week before school ends. Mr. Price is doing surprisingly well for the year he has had. Almost daily dealings with Tucker's mother have put him under a strain that, seemingly, only alcohol could ease. A brief covert dalliance with Nancy's mother, while fulfilling a fantasy, had left him even emptier. After a few months in AA, he is back on top, and even more surprisingly, his self-medicating was never seen in class, even escaping Tuckers' parents' microscoping eyes.
After school, Mr. Price is cleaning his room of all the crap that tends to accumulate over a year. He sees in his desk an almost empty bottle of Mad Dog 20/20. It was his first bottle from early in the year, a few nips after school, usually after an impromptu parent meeting, that started his troubles. He looks at the bottle, smiles sadly, and tosses it in the trash.
In comes Tucker's mom. She has the smile, the fake iciness that tells Price it's gonna be one of those days. "Hello, Mr. Price, how are you?"
Fuck me! "Hi. I am fine, you?"
"Oh, just peachy keen!" She looks around at all of the classroom walls. "Why, Mr. Price, these walls look absolutely bare!"
"And yet they look so lovely to me. Eye of the beholder, you know?"
"But the school year is not over yet!"
"Ma'am, the grades are in the system already. The last week we are performing the grade level play, which Tucker is NOT a part of for some reason known only to you. Then we will have a day of playing games and cleaning the desks. On the last day, we will watch a movie of my choosing, then we will release at 12:40."
The raisin wilted. "Released?"
"Dismissed, sent to terrorize their parents for 2 1/2 months and make the parents grateful there is a school system operating 9 1/2 months of the year. Of course, for the loving yet effectively strict parents who provide a balanced household, it's a family vacation."
Tucker's mom sits down. "And which are we, Mr. Price?"
You had to dig, didn't you? "Ma'am I don't think I've ever seen 2 parents so concerned over their kid in my life, which is a compliment."
A huge smile. "Thank you!"
"That being said, I think you focus on what most people think of as peripheral things and make them central to your son's life. In school, it has not served him well."
Tucker's mom looks down for a moment, then meet's Price's sober gaze. "We parent how we parent, Mr. Price."
"Indeed you do."
"About that play, Mr. Price..."
"It will not be canceled, ma'am. The kids have worked so hard."
A look of true surprise. "Oh no! Why would you think I-" She stops, thinks, and nods. "I've done a lot this year for Tucker, I can understand your frustration. But no, I was going to ask if...what I mean is...is there any room for Tucker at all?"
You shitting me? "No."
"Please!"
"Ma'am, you made such a big deal to me, the administration of the school, and the superintendent regarding the plants play! I even assured you that Tucker would not have the broccoli part, but you pushed and pushed, so I acquiesced and had Tucker do alternate learning activities while we practiced. Why the change so late in the year?"
Mother of Tucker is visibly weeping. "It's just that Tucker has felt so, so left out of things. He has been so upset over not being in the play. He even....he even said...he said BROCCOLI!"
Holy shit! "I'll be."
"Oh yes, it was such a breakthrough! Is there not any tiny way he can take part?"
I'll do it, but hate myself in the morning, afternoon, and night. "Tell you what I'll do. I'll create a non-speaking part of a gardener who waters the plants after two songs. That way he can earn the speaking and listening grade for this project."
"But-but he won't speak!"
"But he will listen for the end of the song so he knows what to do.. That counts."
She smiles so widely that Price thinks the extra oxygen will dry her face out permanently. "Mr. Price, I KNEW you were the right teacher for Tucker, I just knew it!"
Price drops another pice of trash into the bag and stares intently at the mother. "Not really."
"Why ever would you say that?"
"Ma'am, the only teacher who is right for Tucker is...I hate to say it...YOU!"
"What? But I'm not a teacher!"
"Oh but you are. You have taught Tucker so many things. Granted, you've taught him some bizarre ideas, but as you say, we parent how we parent. You have the time for it, and only you have the ability to bring Tucker up to grade level."
She is horrified. "Why ME?!"
"Because, simply, with you and your husband as teachers, the only ones who can interfere with your ideas and philosophies are, quite frankly, YOU...and your husband."
"But-but-but we have no educational background."
"Did you graduate high school?"
"Yes."
"You have background. Teach how your teachers taught you. Take what values you've instilled in Tucker, for better or worse, and apply them to the subject areas. Of course, you'd need a home-school liaison, but that's just to make sure you're teaching and not TV watching."
The mother looks down at her hands. She seems ashamed. "But, I was so happy with his growth this year."
I was, too, but the rash went away and he returned. "Growth? Ma'am I progress-monitored him on reading, letter sounds, and math all year. You saw the charts, he flat-lined most of the time, no matter what interventions I did because you intervened on the interventions. Only at the end, in late March, did we see any rise and that was mostly math, which often happens. Having ten fingers to count is a blessing when you know how to use them, and he finally can add and subtract 2 digit numbers with no regrouping."
"That is growth, though."
Price sighs. "It is. But it's not enough for 3rd grade. As we couldn't get him tested for special ed earlier, which I now see as a blessing in disguise, he will be kept in second grade." Price holds up a hand. "And before you protest, all powers concerned agree and will override your objections despite your tenacity."
"He CAN'T be held back!"
"It's done, unless you decide to home-school him. And, if he stays, he will not be in my class."
The raisin face is in danger of implosion. "No, no, only YOU! I insist!"
"No. I will be moving to a different classroom and doing 4th grade. I need the change. A lot of us do, but some teachers stay entrenched where they are too long. I know I did."
"Oh no....I didn't expect this at all."
"I didn't expect anything this year at all. It was an eye-opener on many levels." Price reaches into his bookshelf and finds a summer activity workbook. "I want you to have this, a present from me to you."
She looks at it, a tear flowing down her cheek. "Mr. Price, I feel so responsible for this."
Wonders never cease today! "Thank you for saying that, but the only one responsible for me is me. Now, I still have a lot to clean up before I have to go to a meeting."
She is puzzled. "But it's after school now. Most teachers have gone home."
Price smiles sadly yet proudly. "This time of year, they rush out after the kids do. No, a different meeting."
Mother of Tucker rises and extends a hand. "Thank you, Mr. Price, for everything."
Price takes the hand firmly. "Actually, thank you, ma'am. You and your son have taught me a lot. Have a wonderful summer."
Wednesday, May 15, 2019
Delighted As Hell...part 4
And thank you for joining me, your overly optimistic and cannabis blessed radio personality Dr Delighted! And I am delighted as a Kardashian ass doctor. Sorry for the long sabbatical, but I had to see the world. I had to see beyond this DJ booth world to see what was there. Believe me, the parking garage isn't much better!
While I was gone it looks like I have a bunch of fan mail. Well, 4 of them are fan letters, anyway. The rest look like forwarded bills from the apartment I "vacated", but more on that later. Our first letter looks like...oh my....I did NOT know that was considered as a penetrable orifice, ma'am! We'll tuck this away until the end of my career, thank you. Wow, that's extreme even for prison.
OK, here's a real letter. "Dear Dr Delighted, I am a teacher in Las Vegas. Well, maybe not much longer. I like my job and all, but in the process I lost my husband who couldn't get into what I do. There are a lot of other headaches, too, in my job, salary freeze being one of them, and I wonder if the loss of a relationship was a worthy price. Sorry if I sound like I am whining, but I've had it up to here. I need advice. Love, Overloaded." Wow! Dr Delighted is touched by this, because he knows all about the world of teachers...he used to be one (a teacher not a world), and apparently the pot has made him talk in the 3rd person, so let me get back to normal! Overloaded, I know nothing about your relationship and I do not know if it is salvageable as a result. This is the end of a school year, and I have met teachers who think as you do. Some need a change of location and some need a change of vocation. And some just need the summer to get their thoughts and spirits up to tackle another 9 months. Whatever it is you need to do, take care of yourself first, Overloaded. And coming your way is a gift card for a local spa. I thought about a gift card for teacher supplies, but nobody who has all the cheese on their cracker wants that shit in May! Bless you!
Holy Toledo Spain! We have some callers. Isn't that nice? Guess I have to play catch-up. Dr. Delighted on the air!
"There IS no air!"
Well as I'm breathing and not keeling over, I beg to differ.
"No, I mean radios aren't on the air anymore. It's all digital now."
While the Doctor enjoys being educated, school has been dismissed in my brain for the day, possibly decade. What can I help you with?
"Well, I love a woman...."
Uh-huh....
"And I'm frustrated that she might not love me back."
Oh good, finally a good old-fashioned problemo. You're frustrated, understood. You been dating her?
"A few times, yeah."
Does that mean you've been on a few dates or you two have had more than one 'era' for lack of a better word?
"We went out a few times."
O-ho!
"You can help me?"
Er, no, I just spotted Luscious Lucy on the street corner. But maybe I CAN help you. What have you and girl wonder done together?
"We've had dinner...gone roller-skating....went to the movies...played some slots together."
I see. Any kissing or hugging in there?
"Well, hugs and cheek pecks."
Oh ho ho ho indeed! And how many times have you gotten together?
"Seven."
Well, my boy...what's your name, anyway?
"Marv."
Marv, read this closely: you're not going to win her slot, no matter how many times you hit play.
"Huh?"
I don't know if it's love you seek or merely the act of love, but you have a better chance with Luscious Lucy if you carry 20s and 50s.
"But I love her!"
Luscious Lucy? You had your vaccinations?
"No, I mean Eve, the girl I'm striking out with."
Marv, let me play you a tune that'll explain it further.
(plays "You Can't Touch This or This or This" by the group Friend Zone and the Platonics)
And while we all stew over Marv's problems further, let's have a word from our sponsor, which is....do we even have a sponsor anymore?...Oh yes, Ned's Bail Bonds and Lieutenant's Fried Chicken, coincidentally right next to each other.
....And we're back! I've been to that chicken place and I wouldn't pay a bond for the owner with all the botulism coming out of there. All righty then, let's have another letter.
"Dear Dr Delighted,
We have been trying to reach you for three months, with no response. Our company has no choice but to ram you up the keister with a never-ending barrage of harrassing calls until you pay us "$67.67" you owe for services rendered.
Yours,
The Parlor"
Yes, that is a very serious problem when people don't pay up. But then again, maybe your services weren't the cat's meow. I told you I wanted feathers and you gave me quills, as well as something else that just cleared up last month. In any case, the poor schmuck who stole my phone will be glad to hear from you I'm sure.
All right. Golly, another call? Must be my lucky night. Dr Delighted has beamed you aboard.
"You bastard!"
No, my dad is on the birth certificate, or at least he humored me with a forgery.
"I hate you!"
You sound less than thrilled, ma'am. You should always drink good stuff before you call me.
"F*** OFF!"
I don't know exactly how one fasterisksasterisksasterisks off, but either a lube or astringent sounds like a requisite.
"You told my husband I was cheating on him!"
I see, and how do you feel about that?
"I want to kill you!"
Hmm, how was your relationship with your mother?
"What the hell are you talking about?"
I'd show you some inkblots, but not sure how that'd work on the airwaves...er, digital waves as Marv the schmuck insists on.
"Why did you tell him that?"
Not sure, might have seemed amusing at the time. No, seriously, what is your husband's name?
"Tucker."
(suppressing a giggle) That brings a rhyme or 2 to mind. But I do remember F- I mean Tucker. He told me several things.
"Like what?"
Oh, your Tinder account, some used condoms in the bathroom waste can, suggestive texts on your phone, a strange car in your driveway...it just didn't seem like you were planning a surprise party for him...or maybe you were depending on the party's theme.
"I KNOW I cheated on him, and now everyone else knows!"
And as you just confirmed it instead of creating some story to destroy my credibility, yep, now everyone DOES know. Anything else?
"Yes! I mean...I don't know. I'm pissed!"
You can be pissed at me all you want. It's none of my business. In fact, nothing any of my listeners do and experience are my business, until they ask me for advice. They make it my business and one thing I will not do to someone who makes that effort...is lie to them about what I think. I've been around and seen and done too much to bullshit anyone. Understand me?
"Um...yes. I just...I...I love my husband, you know?"
I think so.
"But...I did things...not because I was mad or angry. I just...needed. I needed. I have needs, you know?"
So I hear. Question: do you need to make it right with him or do you need to continue needing?"
"Both."
Impossible. The world now knows, or at least the 5 people listening. He knows. You know. You know?
"Good-bye." (click)
Folks, there you have it. And quite frankly, I've had it. I've had it with people who can't take responsibility, I've had it with people who whine, and I've had it with people who bill me at my workplace. And as long as I get a paycheck, I'll continue having it! Til next time!
While I was gone it looks like I have a bunch of fan mail. Well, 4 of them are fan letters, anyway. The rest look like forwarded bills from the apartment I "vacated", but more on that later. Our first letter looks like...oh my....I did NOT know that was considered as a penetrable orifice, ma'am! We'll tuck this away until the end of my career, thank you. Wow, that's extreme even for prison.
OK, here's a real letter. "Dear Dr Delighted, I am a teacher in Las Vegas. Well, maybe not much longer. I like my job and all, but in the process I lost my husband who couldn't get into what I do. There are a lot of other headaches, too, in my job, salary freeze being one of them, and I wonder if the loss of a relationship was a worthy price. Sorry if I sound like I am whining, but I've had it up to here. I need advice. Love, Overloaded." Wow! Dr Delighted is touched by this, because he knows all about the world of teachers...he used to be one (a teacher not a world), and apparently the pot has made him talk in the 3rd person, so let me get back to normal! Overloaded, I know nothing about your relationship and I do not know if it is salvageable as a result. This is the end of a school year, and I have met teachers who think as you do. Some need a change of location and some need a change of vocation. And some just need the summer to get their thoughts and spirits up to tackle another 9 months. Whatever it is you need to do, take care of yourself first, Overloaded. And coming your way is a gift card for a local spa. I thought about a gift card for teacher supplies, but nobody who has all the cheese on their cracker wants that shit in May! Bless you!
Holy Toledo Spain! We have some callers. Isn't that nice? Guess I have to play catch-up. Dr. Delighted on the air!
"There IS no air!"
Well as I'm breathing and not keeling over, I beg to differ.
"No, I mean radios aren't on the air anymore. It's all digital now."
While the Doctor enjoys being educated, school has been dismissed in my brain for the day, possibly decade. What can I help you with?
"Well, I love a woman...."
Uh-huh....
"And I'm frustrated that she might not love me back."
Oh good, finally a good old-fashioned problemo. You're frustrated, understood. You been dating her?
"A few times, yeah."
Does that mean you've been on a few dates or you two have had more than one 'era' for lack of a better word?
"We went out a few times."
O-ho!
"You can help me?"
Er, no, I just spotted Luscious Lucy on the street corner. But maybe I CAN help you. What have you and girl wonder done together?
"We've had dinner...gone roller-skating....went to the movies...played some slots together."
I see. Any kissing or hugging in there?
"Well, hugs and cheek pecks."
Oh ho ho ho indeed! And how many times have you gotten together?
"Seven."
Well, my boy...what's your name, anyway?
"Marv."
Marv, read this closely: you're not going to win her slot, no matter how many times you hit play.
"Huh?"
I don't know if it's love you seek or merely the act of love, but you have a better chance with Luscious Lucy if you carry 20s and 50s.
"But I love her!"
Luscious Lucy? You had your vaccinations?
"No, I mean Eve, the girl I'm striking out with."
Marv, let me play you a tune that'll explain it further.
(plays "You Can't Touch This or This or This" by the group Friend Zone and the Platonics)
And while we all stew over Marv's problems further, let's have a word from our sponsor, which is....do we even have a sponsor anymore?...Oh yes, Ned's Bail Bonds and Lieutenant's Fried Chicken, coincidentally right next to each other.
....And we're back! I've been to that chicken place and I wouldn't pay a bond for the owner with all the botulism coming out of there. All righty then, let's have another letter.
"Dear Dr Delighted,
We have been trying to reach you for three months, with no response. Our company has no choice but to ram you up the keister with a never-ending barrage of harrassing calls until you pay us "$67.67" you owe for services rendered.
Yours,
The Parlor"
Yes, that is a very serious problem when people don't pay up. But then again, maybe your services weren't the cat's meow. I told you I wanted feathers and you gave me quills, as well as something else that just cleared up last month. In any case, the poor schmuck who stole my phone will be glad to hear from you I'm sure.
All right. Golly, another call? Must be my lucky night. Dr Delighted has beamed you aboard.
"You bastard!"
No, my dad is on the birth certificate, or at least he humored me with a forgery.
"I hate you!"
You sound less than thrilled, ma'am. You should always drink good stuff before you call me.
"F*** OFF!"
I don't know exactly how one fasterisksasterisksasterisks off, but either a lube or astringent sounds like a requisite.
"You told my husband I was cheating on him!"
I see, and how do you feel about that?
"I want to kill you!"
Hmm, how was your relationship with your mother?
"What the hell are you talking about?"
I'd show you some inkblots, but not sure how that'd work on the airwaves...er, digital waves as Marv the schmuck insists on.
"Why did you tell him that?"
Not sure, might have seemed amusing at the time. No, seriously, what is your husband's name?
"Tucker."
(suppressing a giggle) That brings a rhyme or 2 to mind. But I do remember F- I mean Tucker. He told me several things.
"Like what?"
Oh, your Tinder account, some used condoms in the bathroom waste can, suggestive texts on your phone, a strange car in your driveway...it just didn't seem like you were planning a surprise party for him...or maybe you were depending on the party's theme.
"I KNOW I cheated on him, and now everyone else knows!"
And as you just confirmed it instead of creating some story to destroy my credibility, yep, now everyone DOES know. Anything else?
"Yes! I mean...I don't know. I'm pissed!"
You can be pissed at me all you want. It's none of my business. In fact, nothing any of my listeners do and experience are my business, until they ask me for advice. They make it my business and one thing I will not do to someone who makes that effort...is lie to them about what I think. I've been around and seen and done too much to bullshit anyone. Understand me?
"Um...yes. I just...I...I love my husband, you know?"
I think so.
"But...I did things...not because I was mad or angry. I just...needed. I needed. I have needs, you know?"
So I hear. Question: do you need to make it right with him or do you need to continue needing?"
"Both."
Impossible. The world now knows, or at least the 5 people listening. He knows. You know. You know?
"Good-bye." (click)
Folks, there you have it. And quite frankly, I've had it. I've had it with people who can't take responsibility, I've had it with people who whine, and I've had it with people who bill me at my workplace. And as long as I get a paycheck, I'll continue having it! Til next time!
Thursday, April 18, 2019
Superman 2...and 2
It's a bird, it's Superman, it's...it's...Trump Airlines!
Nah, that's gone like other shitty ideas we've been cursed with, like millenials. Because they have no clue how good the original superhero movies used to be, some of their sequels, too.
Speaking of which, recently I wrote about the glories of the 1978 classic "Superman" and how it is superior to the recent films that involve superhero infighting and generally antisocial behavior that makes them look less like heroes than shrink fodder. Well, when you have a great superhero film, it surely deserves a sequel.
In this case, director Richard Donner decided to film the first and second films simultaneously, something that was not successfully mounted until the Lord of the Rings films, which resulted in a trilogy longer than my work day! Unfortunately, he was fired from the production and Richard Lester was brought in to finish the film.
Now, for over 25 years, the Lester version is what we all knew as Superman 2. And it is a pretty good film, in many ways better than the original. For one thing, the musical themes from the original remain, though in a different way, with some new ones added. John Williams does not preside here, but rather Jerry Goldsmith, who has many film hits under his belt (L.A. Confidential, Chinatown, First Blood, among many others). The acting is also good, but there are also some instances of comic moments that are not necessary and take away from the plot, but that is just a mild ding. The plot itself is first rate and really helps us to understand this is a continuation from the first film, not just another new adventure.
The opening is a quick rehash of the trial of three Kryptonian criminals: General Zod, his lady Ursa, and mindless muscle Non. Apparently they were trying to overtake the government. Once again we see them declared guilty by faceless jurors (not a bad idea really) but without Jor-El this time (the Godfather wanted too much money). They are sentenced to the Phantom Zone with Zod vowing revenge and then we are treated to a long opening credits sequence where we are treated to the highlight scenes of the original, even seeing Jeff East in his teen Clark Kent scenes.
Cut to Metropolis at the Daily Planet, where Clark Kent is looking for Lois, who is in Paris covering a terrorist news story. He quickly heads to Paris to save snoopy Lois from the Eiffel Tower, where a hydrogen bomb has been placed. He takes the bomb to space, where it explodes. Coincidentally, the satanic Polaroid that is the phantom zone is nearby and the explosion breaks it apart, freeing the 3 villains. They proceed to the moon, fatally disrupting a joint American-Soviet lunar mission and discovering their new powers in the process.
Meanwhile, Lex Luthor and moron henchman Otis break out of prison via the help of Eve Teshmacher in a hot air balloon. However, Otis is too heavy for the rope ladder and he is left behind and without any further involvement in the movie. Lex and Eve use a black box that tracks alpha waves to find the fortress of solitude. Here, Lex learns from the hologram of Superman's mom (remember no Brando here) of the three Kryptonian villains. He decides to seek them out, and after this scene, Eve is out of the film as well.
Clark and Lois are assigned to expose corruption and fraud in Niagara Falls, posing as newlyweds. Here, she is noticing that Superman and Clark are never together and suspects they are one and the same. Clark eventually breaks down and admits it, and she admits she's in love with him. With that, they fly off to the fortress of solitude to, er, "talk". After a dinner made up of who knows what, including some bubbly that Superman apparently heisted form a liquor store, Superman must first consult his mother on this. Apparently if he wants to be with a human, he must become one forever. He enters a molecule chamber that strips him of his Kryptonian powers and muscle, then gets it on with Lois who seems less than thrilled.
The villains descend upon Earth and begin wreaking havoc with the local community and law enforcement. The military is brought in but are taken out easily. Zod declares his intent to rule the planet, then heads with his 2 compatriots to the White House where, after, disposing of its crack security force, demands the President's surrender. The Prez does so, warning of Superman. Lois and Clark are at a truck stop where Clark is beat up by a vicious trucker while defending his and Lois's honor. While regaining consciousness, he hears the TV announcement of Zod's rule and heads back to the fortress, where he pleads for his parents to give him one more chance. They relent via the green crystal from the first movie.
While Superman regenerates his powers, Lex Luthor makes contact with Zod, Ursa, and Non. While not impressed with him, they accept his deal to bring them to Superman in exchange for ruling Australia. They head to the Daily Planet where, instead of finding Superman they find Lois, Jimmy, and Perry. Lex hedges a bit, saying he brought them the "next best thing", hinting that Lois is the key to getting Superman. Whatever, Superman then shows up and a huge battle above and on the streets of Metropolis ensues. While Superman holds his own well, the villains' combined efforts to use his love of people prove to be too much of a disadvantage. Superman flies away, making the villains think he is a coward.
They pursue him, via a lead from cowardly Lex, to the fortress, where Superman has a tactical advantage. When Ursa takes Lois hostage, Superman uses a reversed molecule chamber to keep him safe while the villains lose their powers outside the chamber. He then disposes of Zod, while Non falls and Lois decks Ursa. Superman then has Lex sent back to prison and uses a kiss to make Lois forget about his secret identity. He pays a visit to the truck stop where he settles a score with the violent trucker (without throwing one punch) and apologizes to the President. End of movie.
Like I said, most of the movie is great. The one huge dig I have is the transformation of Lex Luthor from a scheming genius to a sniveling coward aiming for self-preservation. I know he's trying to gain favor with the evil trio, but he sheds all self respect in the process. I wondered why he didn't retrieve the block of Kryptonite he'd leveled at Superman on the villains.
Anyway, skip to the 2000s. Richard Donner pieces together much of what he had made with some screen test footage and alternate takes, plus the original Williams music scores and releases on disc "Superman 2: The Donner Cut". Much of the movie is the same, though the themes of humor (particularly in music) from the Lester movie are for the most part removed, leaving us a darker take on the villains. In a way, this version is superior if somewhat incomplete.
Overall, both versions are quite watchable over and over again as another example of good vs evil without the good going to the dark side. We will leave that for Superman III, aka The Richard Pryor Show.
Nah, that's gone like other shitty ideas we've been cursed with, like millenials. Because they have no clue how good the original superhero movies used to be, some of their sequels, too.
Speaking of which, recently I wrote about the glories of the 1978 classic "Superman" and how it is superior to the recent films that involve superhero infighting and generally antisocial behavior that makes them look less like heroes than shrink fodder. Well, when you have a great superhero film, it surely deserves a sequel.
In this case, director Richard Donner decided to film the first and second films simultaneously, something that was not successfully mounted until the Lord of the Rings films, which resulted in a trilogy longer than my work day! Unfortunately, he was fired from the production and Richard Lester was brought in to finish the film.
Now, for over 25 years, the Lester version is what we all knew as Superman 2. And it is a pretty good film, in many ways better than the original. For one thing, the musical themes from the original remain, though in a different way, with some new ones added. John Williams does not preside here, but rather Jerry Goldsmith, who has many film hits under his belt (L.A. Confidential, Chinatown, First Blood, among many others). The acting is also good, but there are also some instances of comic moments that are not necessary and take away from the plot, but that is just a mild ding. The plot itself is first rate and really helps us to understand this is a continuation from the first film, not just another new adventure.
The opening is a quick rehash of the trial of three Kryptonian criminals: General Zod, his lady Ursa, and mindless muscle Non. Apparently they were trying to overtake the government. Once again we see them declared guilty by faceless jurors (not a bad idea really) but without Jor-El this time (the Godfather wanted too much money). They are sentenced to the Phantom Zone with Zod vowing revenge and then we are treated to a long opening credits sequence where we are treated to the highlight scenes of the original, even seeing Jeff East in his teen Clark Kent scenes.
Cut to Metropolis at the Daily Planet, where Clark Kent is looking for Lois, who is in Paris covering a terrorist news story. He quickly heads to Paris to save snoopy Lois from the Eiffel Tower, where a hydrogen bomb has been placed. He takes the bomb to space, where it explodes. Coincidentally, the satanic Polaroid that is the phantom zone is nearby and the explosion breaks it apart, freeing the 3 villains. They proceed to the moon, fatally disrupting a joint American-Soviet lunar mission and discovering their new powers in the process.
Meanwhile, Lex Luthor and moron henchman Otis break out of prison via the help of Eve Teshmacher in a hot air balloon. However, Otis is too heavy for the rope ladder and he is left behind and without any further involvement in the movie. Lex and Eve use a black box that tracks alpha waves to find the fortress of solitude. Here, Lex learns from the hologram of Superman's mom (remember no Brando here) of the three Kryptonian villains. He decides to seek them out, and after this scene, Eve is out of the film as well.
Clark and Lois are assigned to expose corruption and fraud in Niagara Falls, posing as newlyweds. Here, she is noticing that Superman and Clark are never together and suspects they are one and the same. Clark eventually breaks down and admits it, and she admits she's in love with him. With that, they fly off to the fortress of solitude to, er, "talk". After a dinner made up of who knows what, including some bubbly that Superman apparently heisted form a liquor store, Superman must first consult his mother on this. Apparently if he wants to be with a human, he must become one forever. He enters a molecule chamber that strips him of his Kryptonian powers and muscle, then gets it on with Lois who seems less than thrilled.
The villains descend upon Earth and begin wreaking havoc with the local community and law enforcement. The military is brought in but are taken out easily. Zod declares his intent to rule the planet, then heads with his 2 compatriots to the White House where, after, disposing of its crack security force, demands the President's surrender. The Prez does so, warning of Superman. Lois and Clark are at a truck stop where Clark is beat up by a vicious trucker while defending his and Lois's honor. While regaining consciousness, he hears the TV announcement of Zod's rule and heads back to the fortress, where he pleads for his parents to give him one more chance. They relent via the green crystal from the first movie.
While Superman regenerates his powers, Lex Luthor makes contact with Zod, Ursa, and Non. While not impressed with him, they accept his deal to bring them to Superman in exchange for ruling Australia. They head to the Daily Planet where, instead of finding Superman they find Lois, Jimmy, and Perry. Lex hedges a bit, saying he brought them the "next best thing", hinting that Lois is the key to getting Superman. Whatever, Superman then shows up and a huge battle above and on the streets of Metropolis ensues. While Superman holds his own well, the villains' combined efforts to use his love of people prove to be too much of a disadvantage. Superman flies away, making the villains think he is a coward.
They pursue him, via a lead from cowardly Lex, to the fortress, where Superman has a tactical advantage. When Ursa takes Lois hostage, Superman uses a reversed molecule chamber to keep him safe while the villains lose their powers outside the chamber. He then disposes of Zod, while Non falls and Lois decks Ursa. Superman then has Lex sent back to prison and uses a kiss to make Lois forget about his secret identity. He pays a visit to the truck stop where he settles a score with the violent trucker (without throwing one punch) and apologizes to the President. End of movie.
Like I said, most of the movie is great. The one huge dig I have is the transformation of Lex Luthor from a scheming genius to a sniveling coward aiming for self-preservation. I know he's trying to gain favor with the evil trio, but he sheds all self respect in the process. I wondered why he didn't retrieve the block of Kryptonite he'd leveled at Superman on the villains.
Anyway, skip to the 2000s. Richard Donner pieces together much of what he had made with some screen test footage and alternate takes, plus the original Williams music scores and releases on disc "Superman 2: The Donner Cut". Much of the movie is the same, though the themes of humor (particularly in music) from the Lester movie are for the most part removed, leaving us a darker take on the villains. In a way, this version is superior if somewhat incomplete.
Overall, both versions are quite watchable over and over again as another example of good vs evil without the good going to the dark side. We will leave that for Superman III, aka The Richard Pryor Show.
Saturday, April 13, 2019
It's a Bird, It's a Plane...Nah, Just Retro Coolness
Last weekend, I was turning on the TV, hoping for something decent, something funny...really something in the background while I worked on a New York Times puzzle. Because, quite frankly, there is nothing much on TV that attracts my attention anymore. Vickie will catch a game show, or cooking competition, or home-buying-repairing show, forcing me to leave the room, go on the computer, or do another puzzle. Even the oldies but goodies that occasionally appear are often-repeated and are cut to make ad time.
One of the channels had a Superman marathon going, albeit with ads. In this case, the end of Superman 2 was on. Luckily for me, we have the first two movies on disc, so I pulled it out (the MOVIE you filthy-minded minx!). Actually, we have the original Superman 2 AND the Donner cut, more on that later.
Whenever I watch one of the Christopher Reeve Superman movies, I am reminded of how good those flicks were. It is actually amazing they were made at all given the production history dating back to 1973. So many actors were approached or did approach to audition. The writing also had an interesting history, including a 500+ page draft by Mario Corleone, er Puzo. Christopher Reeve was actually a soap actor before that, not nearly as known as his other contestants for the role.
So the question is, what makes the Reeve Superman films good? Well, for starters, he was a good actor and played the superhero and his alter ego Clark Kent quite well, in fact sometimes too well. Before those movies, the only screen Superman we knew was the 1950s series with George Reeves. George played his Clark Kent with a little more confidence, though his midsection spoke of a few too many cheap Vegas prime rib meals. Christopher Reeve, on the other hand, actually worked out to gain muscle weight for the part. His Clark Kent was quite deliberately clumsy and shy while his Superman was strong, friendly (to the good guys), and confident.
Next, we have the music. Orchestra master John Williams created yet another of his soundtrack masterpieces with the Superman theme as well as the Lois Lane love theme. That man has contributed much to the memorable movie music motifs in the past 40 years!
Add to that the clever casting of Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor. Hackman has generally been known for serious roles for most of his career. His turns as Luthor showed that playing a megalomaniacal villain with a slightly humorous edge was another strength. Then there's Ned Beatty, who usually played opposite Burt Reynolds as a friend or foe in several 70s flicks, as Luthor's bumbling lackey Otis. As for Margot Kidder as Lois Lane, I've been on the fence about her portrayal, to tell the truth. She wasn't so much portrayed as a hard-news reporter as one who couldn't spell well. Of course, we also have Marlon Brando as Jor-El, the Kryptonian scientist whose theories were often refused.
All right, we covered the basics, now let's get to the actual movies so as to discuss plot.
Superman (1978)
The movie starts out with a strange opening of a kid opening a comic book, then a dissolve to the Daily Planet building (looking 30s/40s retro) before the opening credits. We are then introduced to the crystal-laden planet of Krypton where the kangaroo court trial of three criminals takes place, followed by a quick sentencing into a contraption that looks like Satan's Polaroid. We then get to the destruction of Krypton. Luckily, his parents send baby Kal-El away (mother tearful, father stone-facedly trying to forget his legal problems over "Last Tango in Paris") on what looks to be a K-Mart $2 Christmas ornament.
We then see him land on Earth in a Kansas-ish field. He is found and adopted by the Kents , an already middle aged couple, and dubbed Clark.Within a minute, Clark is an awkward teenager ostracized by his peers save for sweet Lana Lang after football practice. Clark immediately hits the general store and buys some feed, a Coke, and an AR 15 to wipe out his tormentors. No, seriously, he decides to practice his super speed and race home. After a fatherly admonition from Pa Kent, Pa Kent has a heart attack and dies. Clark then starts hearing things and discovers a green crystal in the barn. Somehow he can understand it and he travels north, leaving poor Ma Kent in the hands of unsympathetic farm bankers.
As he gets north of the Arctic Circle (we assume), he throws the green crystal, which starts the most incredible and fastest non-union construction project of the time, a huge crystal fortress. Here, Clark learns of his true origins from the image of Don Vito Corleone, who has politely removed the cotton from his mouth in order to be understood. From here, Clark has suddenly donned tights and a cape and flies away. Now, here is where it gets odd. We are supposed to buy that he took a journalism course in high school...that or Vito provided him with college transcripts during that whole time near Santa, for he is now working for the Daily Planet in Manhattan clone Metropolis.
Here he meets his boss, cantankerous Perry White, along with whiny cub reporter Jimmy Olsen and grammatically challenged yet bitchy Lois Lane whose personality resembles Lucy Van Pelt's at first. He foils a mugger as Clark by catching a bullet, but covers by pretending he fainted. Later, as Lois is heading up in a chopper from a rooftop for an interview, there is a malfunction and Lois is left hanging over the building. Clark sees this, then uses a revolving door to change into his tights and cape and rescues Lois. He then foils a burglar, captures armed bandits on a boat, then rescues a cat. He later (in remastered versions) tells Vito all about it, and Vito warns him about people needing him for everything. He then allows Lois to interview him and takes her on a love theme-filled ride in the sky.
Meanwhile, genius yet vain Lex Luthor is planning to destroy rich coastal California so that his buy-up of worthless desert land will become prosperous. He learns of Superman and steals Kryptonite from a display, as well as reprograms missiles to hit California and, just for fun, Hackensack. Lex lures Lois's dub Superman to his lair, hits him with the Kryptonite, and leaves him for dead until his moll Eve Teshmacher rescues him out of kindness. Superman then retrieves the Hackensack missile first because he promised Eve, then sees the destruction from the second missile and races to undo the damage. However, Lois is a victim of the resulting earthquake and dies. Superman in his grief proceeds to use sci fi theory to reverse the Earth's rotation to turn back time to retrieve the second missile and take it to explode in space, saving Lois. He then takes Lex and clumsy henchman Otis to prison...no trial of course, because hey, after 2+ hours, viewers don't want to go through jury selection.
Pros: acting, music, special effects
Con: Character establishment takes too long and we don't meet the main villain until about halfway through.
What I also like here is that Superman is genuinely good, like most superheroes of those times. It wasn't until Tim Burton's 1989 "Batman" that we started to see the dark sides of our favorite heroes. The latest Superman movies turn my stomach and make me want to see the 1978 classic again to remember that it is all writer/director/producer interpretation, and I prefer thew one I just described.
Up up and away...to Superman 2 later!
One of the channels had a Superman marathon going, albeit with ads. In this case, the end of Superman 2 was on. Luckily for me, we have the first two movies on disc, so I pulled it out (the MOVIE you filthy-minded minx!). Actually, we have the original Superman 2 AND the Donner cut, more on that later.
Whenever I watch one of the Christopher Reeve Superman movies, I am reminded of how good those flicks were. It is actually amazing they were made at all given the production history dating back to 1973. So many actors were approached or did approach to audition. The writing also had an interesting history, including a 500+ page draft by Mario Corleone, er Puzo. Christopher Reeve was actually a soap actor before that, not nearly as known as his other contestants for the role.
So the question is, what makes the Reeve Superman films good? Well, for starters, he was a good actor and played the superhero and his alter ego Clark Kent quite well, in fact sometimes too well. Before those movies, the only screen Superman we knew was the 1950s series with George Reeves. George played his Clark Kent with a little more confidence, though his midsection spoke of a few too many cheap Vegas prime rib meals. Christopher Reeve, on the other hand, actually worked out to gain muscle weight for the part. His Clark Kent was quite deliberately clumsy and shy while his Superman was strong, friendly (to the good guys), and confident.
Next, we have the music. Orchestra master John Williams created yet another of his soundtrack masterpieces with the Superman theme as well as the Lois Lane love theme. That man has contributed much to the memorable movie music motifs in the past 40 years!
Add to that the clever casting of Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor. Hackman has generally been known for serious roles for most of his career. His turns as Luthor showed that playing a megalomaniacal villain with a slightly humorous edge was another strength. Then there's Ned Beatty, who usually played opposite Burt Reynolds as a friend or foe in several 70s flicks, as Luthor's bumbling lackey Otis. As for Margot Kidder as Lois Lane, I've been on the fence about her portrayal, to tell the truth. She wasn't so much portrayed as a hard-news reporter as one who couldn't spell well. Of course, we also have Marlon Brando as Jor-El, the Kryptonian scientist whose theories were often refused.
All right, we covered the basics, now let's get to the actual movies so as to discuss plot.
Superman (1978)
The movie starts out with a strange opening of a kid opening a comic book, then a dissolve to the Daily Planet building (looking 30s/40s retro) before the opening credits. We are then introduced to the crystal-laden planet of Krypton where the kangaroo court trial of three criminals takes place, followed by a quick sentencing into a contraption that looks like Satan's Polaroid. We then get to the destruction of Krypton. Luckily, his parents send baby Kal-El away (mother tearful, father stone-facedly trying to forget his legal problems over "Last Tango in Paris") on what looks to be a K-Mart $2 Christmas ornament.
We then see him land on Earth in a Kansas-ish field. He is found and adopted by the Kents , an already middle aged couple, and dubbed Clark.Within a minute, Clark is an awkward teenager ostracized by his peers save for sweet Lana Lang after football practice. Clark immediately hits the general store and buys some feed, a Coke, and an AR 15 to wipe out his tormentors. No, seriously, he decides to practice his super speed and race home. After a fatherly admonition from Pa Kent, Pa Kent has a heart attack and dies. Clark then starts hearing things and discovers a green crystal in the barn. Somehow he can understand it and he travels north, leaving poor Ma Kent in the hands of unsympathetic farm bankers.
As he gets north of the Arctic Circle (we assume), he throws the green crystal, which starts the most incredible and fastest non-union construction project of the time, a huge crystal fortress. Here, Clark learns of his true origins from the image of Don Vito Corleone, who has politely removed the cotton from his mouth in order to be understood. From here, Clark has suddenly donned tights and a cape and flies away. Now, here is where it gets odd. We are supposed to buy that he took a journalism course in high school...that or Vito provided him with college transcripts during that whole time near Santa, for he is now working for the Daily Planet in Manhattan clone Metropolis.
Here he meets his boss, cantankerous Perry White, along with whiny cub reporter Jimmy Olsen and grammatically challenged yet bitchy Lois Lane whose personality resembles Lucy Van Pelt's at first. He foils a mugger as Clark by catching a bullet, but covers by pretending he fainted. Later, as Lois is heading up in a chopper from a rooftop for an interview, there is a malfunction and Lois is left hanging over the building. Clark sees this, then uses a revolving door to change into his tights and cape and rescues Lois. He then foils a burglar, captures armed bandits on a boat, then rescues a cat. He later (in remastered versions) tells Vito all about it, and Vito warns him about people needing him for everything. He then allows Lois to interview him and takes her on a love theme-filled ride in the sky.
Meanwhile, genius yet vain Lex Luthor is planning to destroy rich coastal California so that his buy-up of worthless desert land will become prosperous. He learns of Superman and steals Kryptonite from a display, as well as reprograms missiles to hit California and, just for fun, Hackensack. Lex lures Lois's dub Superman to his lair, hits him with the Kryptonite, and leaves him for dead until his moll Eve Teshmacher rescues him out of kindness. Superman then retrieves the Hackensack missile first because he promised Eve, then sees the destruction from the second missile and races to undo the damage. However, Lois is a victim of the resulting earthquake and dies. Superman in his grief proceeds to use sci fi theory to reverse the Earth's rotation to turn back time to retrieve the second missile and take it to explode in space, saving Lois. He then takes Lex and clumsy henchman Otis to prison...no trial of course, because hey, after 2+ hours, viewers don't want to go through jury selection.
Pros: acting, music, special effects
Con: Character establishment takes too long and we don't meet the main villain until about halfway through.
What I also like here is that Superman is genuinely good, like most superheroes of those times. It wasn't until Tim Burton's 1989 "Batman" that we started to see the dark sides of our favorite heroes. The latest Superman movies turn my stomach and make me want to see the 1978 classic again to remember that it is all writer/director/producer interpretation, and I prefer thew one I just described.
Up up and away...to Superman 2 later!
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