The Price is Moot!

"Some jerk named Earl, come on down! Some overly bubbly college student on crack named Mandy, come on down! Some old person named Jake, come on down! And one of the creeps who got here at 5:30 a.m. just to be first in line named Vince, come on down! These are the four schmucks to play on The Price is Random!! And here is your magnanimous emcee, Dr. Delighted!!"

Welcome to another episode of The Price is Random! Once again, I have an opportunity to pay down my debts by using my annoying public persona to personal advantage. Right now, while my models try to finagle a million bucks by posing nude online, let's meet our 4 contestants. Whoa! What hole in hell did you 4 crawl out of? Sheesh, I really need to stop drinking my breakfast, you're a shock for bloodshot eyes! All right Earl, where are you from?

Earl: Do you care?

Not really, and you really know how to establsih a relationship, don't you? And how about you, Mandy?

Mandy: Oh wow! I want to win! WIN WIN WIN!!

I meant where are you from?

Mandy: I am from MY MOTHER, YEAH!!!!!!

I bet she's wishing you took out student loans to owe for life! And Jake, how are you today?

Jake: What?

Glad to hear! And Vince, maybe I should have shared my breakfast with you, guy, you look starved!

Jake: I'm totally cool, dude! Ready to spin that wheel!

I think it's still at the shop, Verna the 100 year old yesterday almost ripped it off its axle. She was a little high on the Metamucil and prune juice! All right, here is our overly skinny blonde model Chelsea with the first item to make a random price guess on.

"It's a can opener! Not electric, you actually have to use a little hand muscle to work this one! Anyone with a knowledge of simple machines can figure it out!"

All right, thank you, mysterious announcer! Earl, how much do you think that costs?

Earl: $400

Dude, you ever been to Dollar Tree? Mandy?

Mandy: Umm, I think it's....$402!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!

Mandy, who exactly are you shouting at every time you're asked to speak?

Mandy: My sorority sisters, baby!!!!!!!

Coooooool.....NOT! And Jake, how much would you pay?

Jake: What?

HOW MUCH WOULD YOU PAY?!

Jake: Oh, for what?

Yeah, we'll put you at $405 And Vince?

Vince: Oh wow....I think I'll bid $399

Interesting move. We don't do overbid do-overs here, they're stupid. The real price for the can opener is...$3.99, VINCE WON!!! Come on up, buddy! So you stood first in line for how long?

Vince: Like 4 hours!

Oh man, just to get on this Game Show Channel ripoff! You have guts, man! All right, Chelsea is coming back on the stage showing off a recently expanded rack and reduced can in that red bikini. Between you and me, Vince, from the hits she already has on Pornhub, there was nothing that needed fixing!

All right, Chelsea has set up the mud game! Above you is a cauldron of boiling mud. Over here is a new car. Actually, it's a used piece of crap from the Compton Car Max. All you need to do is take a stab at how much it's selling for. If you're within a $2,000 range of the price you get the car, the money representing the cost which you'll use to pay the taxes. If you're way above or way below, the mud will spill onto you, causing severe burns and possibly death.

Vince: Isn't that illegal?

You signed a waiver,  my good man. OK, because I like you and you've answered my questions somewhat intelligently, I will give you 3 shots at this. Go!

Vince: Er, um, $3,200!

Wrong!

Vince: Ouch! What was that?"

Just a small drop of mud on your shoulder. Better get this right soon!

Vince: Oh crap! Hmm...I'l say $5,000!

Oh no! Feel that on your shoe?

Vince: Damn, man! Those were new Adidas! I'll say....$1,500!

YES!!! The actual price was $945! You get that and the car! Wait a minute....I just heard the wheel is back in action. See you in a bit. Try to eat something from the snack bar if you can, you look emaciated!

"You want me to announce the next contestant?"

NO! I think these 3 are all I can handle with a fake smile. Give us the next item!

"Next up is a blender! Yes, this is one you have to plug in! You can mix, blend, whip, crush ice, whatever the hell you want to do if you can read buttons! Furnished by Salvation Army!"

I love these high end items. Earl, what do you say?

Earl: I'd say $43!

I swear nobody listens here. Mandy?

Mandy: $44, YEAH BABY!!!!!

I've heard Chelsea say that in reverse cowgirl position! And Jake? JAKE!

Jake: I heard you, you loudmouthed weasel! $5500!

That'll be a long bus ride home! Actual price....$5.50! Earl, you won! Come on up!

Earl: Thanks. Where's that hot momma Chelsea?

She went backstage to get away from you drooling. Thanks a lot, man! So now we have our older heavier model who works at Steve's Coffee Shop at night. And here she is, already dressed in her turquoise uniform already. Meet Louise!

Earl: Damn!

You look once, Earl, just once and commit the bodies to memory. Your fault, man. All right, step over to this red circle and step right inside it. Almost like it was a trap, right?

Earl: My feet are stuck!

Small coincidence. As you see over there, Louise is modeling, to put it nicely, a pool table without much felt left on it. Therefore, it is heavily discounted. Since you've been pretty surly toward me, I am giving you one shot here. All you have to do is give me any price that is below what we bought it for. If you get it right, you get the table and a chance at the wheel. If not, you drop through the floor, down a long chute that leads to one of three locations: the studio dumpster, the Denny's parking lot, or the set of "The View" in the studio next door.

Earl: Oh crap....wow...that table can't be worth more than....oh wait...

SAY IT ALREADY!!!

Earl: $250?

Oh no, Earl! We paid a measly $45 just to get it out of some dead guy's home during an estate sale. Bye bye now! Whoa, I wonder where he went? Ah, I hear Joy Behar shouting. Best of luck to Earl there.

All right, I'm holding here a clock, an analog clock. All Mandy and Jake have to do is give me the right time. Mandy?

Mandy: Oh wow, WHAT IS THAT THING???

I just told you, you twit!

Mandy: I wasn't listening, could you say it again?

It again. Jake, WHAT TIME IS IT ON THE CLOCK?

Jake: 6:17! I'm good now, my hearing aid was off.

Way to go, Jake! We don't have time for another elimination game, so come join Vince at the wheel. The object here is to land on a number, any number. No second spin. Vince, go.....and it lands on......7! Jake, spin........you got 8! You won!

Jake: What did I win?

You won Chelsea for the night, the pool table, and no taxes on any of them! And goodbye to our audience. Remember, keep your pets in your own damn yard so they don't get run over! Til next time!