"Ladies and pretend ladies and gentlemen and assholes and anyone else who is tuning into us for some reason, it is time for America's least favorite game show. That's right, your remote battery just died, so you are now stuck watching...
SERIOUS AND HONEST TRIVIA. And here is your host... DR DELIGHTED!"
Thank you! And thank you to my agent who got me this gig to help me pay off my student loans in just 25 years instead of 55. And now it's time to play our game. Sitting in contestant row, we have 3 souls who think they know what's what. I am about to show them what is what.
First up is Doug, a surfer who lives in Omaha. Next is-
Doug: Aeren't you going to ask me about myself?
No.I already gave enough info. In all honesty I don't care, the audience doesn't care, and the morons who didn't change the remote batteries really don't give a flying crap, especially since we won't see you on the next episode...IF there is a next episode. Now, if I may continue, next is Hillary, a corn farmer from Yuma. Finally, we have Chuck, a former stock analyst teaching drama at some community college nobody has ever heard of.
The rules are this: I ask a question, you buzz in by trying to press a really light-triggered button first and answer correctly. If you answer correctly, you will win some money. If you answer incorrectly, a trap door will open under you and you will be escorted by top-notch trigger-happy former mall cops to the parking garage.
Chuck: What happens if we don't buzz in on time?
Then nothing, you'll have to wait for the next question, you moron. Granted, I did try for electric current under your seats to teach you to buzz in faster, but you know those legal teams, always killing the fun.
Hillary: How much money do we win for answering right?
Answering CORRECTLY! You will get more than you deserve, which is $500 for each question. At the end of the game whoever is left wins. After you win, there is the usual bonus round where yoiu have a chance to win $6,437.54.
Hillary: Why such a strange amount?
It is not a strange amount, it is an HONEST amount, meaning it is what is left after we cut out what the state and federal tax agencies demand. Before we start, let's have some dog food commercials as they were the only ones who would sponsor this farce.
While those imaginary ads play, I have to say, I used to be a fan of game shows. The contestants were fairly intelligent, especially when it came to quizzes like Tic Tac Dough and Jeopardy. Celebrity game shows were good but only because we wanted to listen to how funny the stars were after the Wednesday taping recess when everyone got hammered.
Now we have idiots. Many of these idiots can be found on GSN-produced shows, where the prize is thankfully not above what they deserve, usually $15,000 tops. We have of course always had morons on Wheel of Fortune who don't want to challenge themselves beyond basic letter knowledge.
I think we can finally put Family Feud to rest. The whole object now is to make Steve Harvey make his classic faux-shocked face. It is beyond corny, it is completely stupid. Female-pawing and kissing Richard Dawson is rolling in his grave I am sure! OK, the dogs are fed their Alpo, let us return to the good doctor!
All right, let's do this. Your first question is, Who played Gerard in "The Fugitive"?
Doug buzzes in: Will Ferrell?
No! Goodbye! (Doug drops away) Anyone else? No? I would have accepted Barry Morse for the original TV version, Tommy Lee Jones for the movie, or Mykelti Williamson for the pathetic TV remake in 2000. Wow, this will be a faster game than I imagined!
All right, which letter in our alphabet has a Greek equivalent as Alpha?
Hillary buzzes in: A?
Yes! Would you like to get an additonal $500 to name our equivalent for Beta?
Hillary: Do I have to buzz in?
No, this is a freebie, practically given on a platter.
Hillary: Um, D?
No, it is Beta.
Hillary (looking down): I'm not dropping?
Unfortunately not, since you didn't have to buzz in for it. All right, here we go. What is the name for an answer in a subtraction equation?
Chuck buzzes in: Sum.
No and goodbye to you! (Chuck drops down). That was "some" kind of dumb, the answer was difference! All right, Hillary! You have won $500, which is below the revenue agency radar, so it is yours to keep. However, you now have a chance to win $6,437.54, bringing your total to $6,937.54. Yes, I can do head math without the help of an announcer.
Hillary: Ooh, what's the bonus round about?
Ooh, nothing to ooh about. I give you a multiple choice question while the studio lights change to a red hue to make it look and seem more dramatic. Some light drums making my hangover worse somehow adds to it according to the producer. Are you ready?
Hillary: Uh huh.
High schools, you need to stress public speaking more. Just 15 seconds, here we go! Which one of these was not one of the Musketeers?
a. D'Artagnan
b. Athos
c. Star Lord
Hillary: Oh geez...golly...ohhhhh....ummm.....I'll pick a.
You should have picked your nose, you would have gotten more gold. No, it was c. Well, you won $500. That should pay for a Burger King combo and gas back to Yuma, then take your friends for a celebratory hammering for winning what might be one of the lowest amounts in game show history. Good night, everyone!
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