And thank you for joining me, your overly optimistic and cannabis blessed radio personality Dr Delighted! And I am delighted as a Kardashian ass doctor. Sorry for the long sabbatical, but I had to see the world. I had to see beyond this DJ booth world to see what was there. Believe me, the parking garage isn't much better!
While I was gone it looks like I have a bunch of fan mail. Well, 4 of them are fan letters, anyway. The rest look like forwarded bills from the apartment I "vacated", but more on that later. Our first letter looks like...oh my....I did NOT know that was considered as a penetrable orifice, ma'am! We'll tuck this away until the end of my career, thank you. Wow, that's extreme even for prison.
OK, here's a real letter. "Dear Dr Delighted, I am a teacher in Las Vegas. Well, maybe not much longer. I like my job and all, but in the process I lost my husband who couldn't get into what I do. There are a lot of other headaches, too, in my job, salary freeze being one of them, and I wonder if the loss of a relationship was a worthy price. Sorry if I sound like I am whining, but I've had it up to here. I need advice. Love, Overloaded." Wow! Dr Delighted is touched by this, because he knows all about the world of teachers...he used to be one (a teacher not a world), and apparently the pot has made him talk in the 3rd person, so let me get back to normal! Overloaded, I know nothing about your relationship and I do not know if it is salvageable as a result. This is the end of a school year, and I have met teachers who think as you do. Some need a change of location and some need a change of vocation. And some just need the summer to get their thoughts and spirits up to tackle another 9 months. Whatever it is you need to do, take care of yourself first, Overloaded. And coming your way is a gift card for a local spa. I thought about a gift card for teacher supplies, but nobody who has all the cheese on their cracker wants that shit in May! Bless you!
Holy Toledo Spain! We have some callers. Isn't that nice? Guess I have to play catch-up. Dr. Delighted on the air!
"There IS no air!"
Well as I'm breathing and not keeling over, I beg to differ.
"No, I mean radios aren't on the air anymore. It's all digital now."
While the Doctor enjoys being educated, school has been dismissed in my brain for the day, possibly decade. What can I help you with?
"Well, I love a woman...."
Uh-huh....
"And I'm frustrated that she might not love me back."
Oh good, finally a good old-fashioned problemo. You're frustrated, understood. You been dating her?
"A few times, yeah."
Does that mean you've been on a few dates or you two have had more than one 'era' for lack of a better word?
"We went out a few times."
O-ho!
"You can help me?"
Er, no, I just spotted Luscious Lucy on the street corner. But maybe I CAN help you. What have you and girl wonder done together?
"We've had dinner...gone roller-skating....went to the movies...played some slots together."
I see. Any kissing or hugging in there?
"Well, hugs and cheek pecks."
Oh ho ho ho indeed! And how many times have you gotten together?
"Seven."
Well, my boy...what's your name, anyway?
"Marv."
Marv, read this closely: you're not going to win her slot, no matter how many times you hit play.
"Huh?"
I don't know if it's love you seek or merely the act of love, but you have a better chance with Luscious Lucy if you carry 20s and 50s.
"But I love her!"
Luscious Lucy? You had your vaccinations?
"No, I mean Eve, the girl I'm striking out with."
Marv, let me play you a tune that'll explain it further.
(plays "You Can't Touch This or This or This" by the group Friend Zone and the Platonics)
And while we all stew over Marv's problems further, let's have a word from our sponsor, which is....do we even have a sponsor anymore?...Oh yes, Ned's Bail Bonds and Lieutenant's Fried Chicken, coincidentally right next to each other.
....And we're back! I've been to that chicken place and I wouldn't pay a bond for the owner with all the botulism coming out of there. All righty then, let's have another letter.
"Dear Dr Delighted,
We have been trying to reach you for three months, with no response. Our company has no choice but to ram you up the keister with a never-ending barrage of harrassing calls until you pay us "$67.67" you owe for services rendered.
Yours,
The Parlor"
Yes, that is a very serious problem when people don't pay up. But then again, maybe your services weren't the cat's meow. I told you I wanted feathers and you gave me quills, as well as something else that just cleared up last month. In any case, the poor schmuck who stole my phone will be glad to hear from you I'm sure.
All right. Golly, another call? Must be my lucky night. Dr Delighted has beamed you aboard.
"You bastard!"
No, my dad is on the birth certificate, or at least he humored me with a forgery.
"I hate you!"
You sound less than thrilled, ma'am. You should always drink good stuff before you call me.
"F*** OFF!"
I don't know exactly how one fasterisksasterisksasterisks off, but either a lube or astringent sounds like a requisite.
"You told my husband I was cheating on him!"
I see, and how do you feel about that?
"I want to kill you!"
Hmm, how was your relationship with your mother?
"What the hell are you talking about?"
I'd show you some inkblots, but not sure how that'd work on the airwaves...er, digital waves as Marv the schmuck insists on.
"Why did you tell him that?"
Not sure, might have seemed amusing at the time. No, seriously, what is your husband's name?
"Tucker."
(suppressing a giggle) That brings a rhyme or 2 to mind. But I do remember F- I mean Tucker. He told me several things.
"Like what?"
Oh, your Tinder account, some used condoms in the bathroom waste can, suggestive texts on your phone, a strange car in your driveway...it just didn't seem like you were planning a surprise party for him...or maybe you were depending on the party's theme.
"I KNOW I cheated on him, and now everyone else knows!"
And as you just confirmed it instead of creating some story to destroy my credibility, yep, now everyone DOES know. Anything else?
"Yes! I mean...I don't know. I'm pissed!"
You can be pissed at me all you want. It's none of my business. In fact, nothing any of my listeners do and experience are my business, until they ask me for advice. They make it my business and one thing I will not do to someone who makes that effort...is lie to them about what I think. I've been around and seen and done too much to bullshit anyone. Understand me?
"Um...yes. I just...I...I love my husband, you know?"
I think so.
"But...I did things...not because I was mad or angry. I just...needed. I needed. I have needs, you know?"
So I hear. Question: do you need to make it right with him or do you need to continue needing?"
"Both."
Impossible. The world now knows, or at least the 5 people listening. He knows. You know. You know?
"Good-bye." (click)
Folks, there you have it. And quite frankly, I've had it. I've had it with people who can't take responsibility, I've had it with people who whine, and I've had it with people who bill me at my workplace. And as long as I get a paycheck, I'll continue having it! Til next time!
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