2017

2017...It would be easy for me to rate this year simplistically, but it was a different year for many people. Well, all years really are like that, but this particular one was tumultuosity (I made that one up) at its best.

For the celebrity world, we lost a SHITLOAD of people, more than other years, it seems. Mary Tyler Moore, Tom Petty, Bill Paxton, Judge Wapner, Chuck Berry AND Chuck Barris ( conspiracy there?), Don Rickles, J. Geils, Powers Boothe, Roger Moore, Greg Allman, Adam West, Martin Landau, Glen Campbell, Jerry Lewis, Don Williams, Hugh Hefner, Fats Domino, Robert Guillaume, Rose Marie, Della Reese, and now author Sue Grafton, to name many (but not all). I know that a lot of the older folks will leave us as time goes on, which is still sad as they are forever beloved, but the ones who went before their time, well, I can only imagine it was part of God's plan, and therefore must accept it.

For the political world, it was chaotic, to put it nicely, and 2018 looks to be even more so. Many people did not believe that Donald Trump would make it to the White House, but he did. Social media has been abuzz with propaganda on both sides, either condemning the right or left. I can't even comment on those anymore as they contain half-truths or outright lies most of the time. A lot of the population is scared because Trump appears to want to undo what Obama had done. I could go into a lot of those policies and laws, but by golly some people want to keep reading and I will not get mired in such molasses-laden goo.

In the entertainment world, well, I cannot really say much because I really haven't SEEN much. Boss Baby, Guardians of the Galaxy 2, and The Last Jedi are about it. TV is a wasteland save for a few shows.

On that note, though, I will say that The Big Bang Theory crew might want to hold on to that show as long as they can, because there is a syndrome of long-running ensemble comedy shows where the stars try to maintain their fame in other shows or movies and end up falling from the spotlight...not that I feel sorry for people who make more than quadruple my salary, but soul-crushing experiences are hard to see...so I change the channel to...

Terror. There has been a lot of it this year. From weather to mass shootings, people are scared. Hell, I'm scared some days, and that's just going to the store to get milk! Until the political world learns to work together and try to find a happy medium, the weather will continue to terrorize us. Er, I mean there will be unrest among everyone, and some prefer to end it all and take others with them. I have some tough days, grant you, and there are times when I wonder if it is worth getting out of bed or leaving the house.

But then I realize I am the man of the house (and the only driver) and I can't let my fears take me over, because Vickie and Natalie depend upon me to get the job done. It's a good feeling to be needed.

On the job front, I have been with the same school district for 16 years. There are teachers who are fed up with the system and dread coming to work. There are others getting near retirement and give less of a shit. And then there are those like me who can find someplace else to work. Oh, I know there are problems everywhere, but I think there are districts that have more balance. I am talking other states here, not staying in Nevada.

What is wrong with the system? Once again, it is a long narrative. but to simplify it...nah, there is no simplification. Overstuffed higher administration depletes funds that should go to students' needs, continued testing up the ass takes away from teaching time, educators' salaries not keeping up with the times, and parents who guard their children's every move lest they get a boo-boo and if they get a boo-boo, it's the teacher's and/or school's fault. You can't function in a system like that without going crazy.

And then there is the personal front....which I cover up to not damage your eyes! Nah, I'll let you suffer...

I love my family! They are the constants who make me who I am, for better or worse. Vickie struggles with many things health-wise and has been seeing the doctor more often to take care of things. A positive sign. Natalie continues to flourish in life, though her wild but fun spirit needs to be tempered at times... all part of childhood!

My relationship with my in-laws is a forever-fluctuating status. Really, it all comes down to how Vickie is treated. My relationship with her brother is pretty consistent always, which is good. As for her mom, that is a rollercoaster that has been up and down for almost 12 years now, and that is always due to how Vickie is treated. This year has been MOSTLY an up. When the time comes for us to move, the fluctuation will become moot.

As for myself, I am still thrilled to have taken such a great road trip this past summer, and would like to take another one if possible next year. I want to move, but will not move until an opportunity comes to make it possible, and the only person who can make an opportunity happen is me. It is time.

HAPPY 2018 EVERYONE! AND COVER YOUR FRONTS!

The Last Jedi, or the Last film of Carrie Fisher!

   Yes, I have seen it. Today. Finally. So stop asking me!

   Sorry, for the uptight tone, but people have to understand what a trauma I have been through in my life! From the ages of 4-10, I awaited the showtimes for Star Wars and its 2 sequels. I also eagerly awaited their rereleases for years after, and the "special editions" in 1997. Of course, I never saw any problem with the original versions, though "Empire" made some better use of its soundtrack in places in the 1997 recut.

   Then, I came upon the dark side of Star Wars, known as the udderly (because it leaked so much) disgusting Prequel Trilogy...ugghhh, I could hardly stand to even make those proper nouns! You may retort, "Well if they were so horrible, why did you go see them? Huh? Huh?"  Simple! We fans were hoping things would improve. However, the producers saw that we were so gullible after watching a movie with a long-ass pod race that we'd be dumb enough to stomach "Attack of the Clones". Granted, "Revenge of the Sith" had a few redeeming factors, but we'd come to learn many things from those Prequels:

1. Obi Wan always seemed to need rescuing at least once in each movie, making him less credible as a wise old desert hermit and later wise apparition in the originals. That just did not do.

2. Even as a lad, Anakin was pretty despicable. No sympathy for him at all.

3. Yoda wasn't a whimsical Muppet but rather a downer. Simply unacceptable.

4. Samuel L. Jackson does not sound credible without uttering "mother-fucker" at least 6 times in a 20 minute period!

5. Fast-paced lightsaber duels aren't cool, they give me a headache.

6. Massive CGI will always lose over good story and good dialogue.

   I thought that was the end and therefore was relieved. Then 2 years ago I got an even worse shock...George Lucas had sold Lucasfilm to Disney and they were going to make Episode 7! Nooooo, I can't do Star Wars with annoying music numbers and teeny-boppers who will be pop music stars and sluts in 5 years! I was frightened, petrified, disgusted, even mildly concerned the new movie would be a flop. Then I saw "The Force Awakens" and I was pleasantly amazed, thrilled, even half-smiling, that not only was the CGI not thrown at me, but the lines were good, the story was decent, and we had a return of favorite characters that we thought we'd never see again. My hopes were raised. The best part was that Mark Hamill got top billing for just appearing at the end and didn't say a damn thing! That beats Marlon Brando for the first few minutes of 1978's "Superman"

   Of course, there was the interim "Rogue One" last year....I am still in therapy over that one, let's move on.

   Tonight I saw "The Last Jedi" and was pleasantly amazed that it was better than episode 7 and had a lot of different facets and story arcs that came together at the end. I still wonder who the hell Snoke is and where he came from...he sounds like an early 1980s Saturday morning cartoon with a breakfast cereal tie-in! Aside from that...

1. Glad to see Luke one with the Force again. He is wittier and more fun to watch. Not exactly a joke on his younger self, just what age and trauma can do to a Jedi...kind of like 16 years as a Las Vegas teacher!

2. Leia is great, but the old banter that made her and Han fun to watch is gone. (SPOILER) She is alive at the end, but Carrie Fisher is no longer with us...how will they handle this in Episode IX?

3. The lightsaber action is less fast-paced...actually pretty minimal, kind of disappointing in a way.

4. The Millennium Falcon is the symbol of rescue, coolness, and quick getaways...she holds it together better than ever here!

5. Rey kind of annoys me (the accent maybe?)but I root for her. She is that lost soul that proves that the Force is throughout the galaxy, not just with the Skywalkers.

6. General Hux, the Nazi-ish commander of the First Order fleet, reminds me of a guest German on a "Hogan's Heroes" episode. His death would be nice.

7. Po is fun to watch, brash and undisciplined, but knows a no-win when he sees one. Finn always looks like he accidentally wandered into the ladies room and doesn't know how to smoothly get out.

To end, I'd recommend this movie to anyone who is a true Star Wars fan. The series is not overly-Disney-fied, in fact quite the opposite, it gets intense at times. But you do understand how my emotions have rollercoastered from high to low to high again. I can't take anymore extremes! Get me a bowl of Cinnamon Snokes!

Santa: Customer Complaints

   Today I came home, had a snack, then went about doing my favorite activity in the world...napping until bedtime! No, in all seriousness, I looked up one of those many articles floating around on social media about customer service nightmares...this time regarding the customers themselves. The old adage about the customer always being right is, in reality, a load of shit. A lot of your Joe Consumers are scamming, greedy, assholes whose sole intent is getting free stuff no matter what.

   So, it occurs to me that our friendly neighborhood Santa Claus, the greatest source of generosity and good humor in the world second only to Harvey Keitel, has a list of the naughty and nice experiences he's had on his one big night of sustained employment per year. As this is me, I will focus on the naughty.

Enough HO HO HOs without the HOE HOE HOEs!

   Look, I may be a jolly old elf, but I'm also a guy and I do enjoy looking at a gorgeous woman now and then. Yes, my wife knows this about me. Heck, I've seen a few sights on Christmas Eve that spice  my marriage up to at least April. That being said, I AM a happily married man! Every year there are at least 150 HOE HOE HOES waiting for me when I scramble out of the chimney and it's not the sack of toys they're reaching for! Ladies, please, I appreciate you wanting to warm me up, but some hot cocoa will do, thank you.

It's a Trap!

   You kids want your presents? Well, you need to stop trying to imprison me. You made it on the nice list, okay? That means you were GOOD! You earned your presents. Trying to keep me longer at your house is by far the stupidest thing you try, and believe me, I have several of you in my files who have tried locking me in a cage, trapping me with your St. Bernard in his house...one of you tried rigging your couch to drop on me when I walked under it! What do you think will happen? Are you trying to get more presents in a ransom ploy? Do you just want to see me? Well, knock it off, that magical clock on Christmas Eve is NOT eternal! Besides, after all the milk and cookies I've scarfed down, you don't want to SMELL me! Speaking of which...

No Gourmet for the Good Elf!

   Look, people, we've had a nice system for a few centuries now. Milk and cookies for me, some carrots for the reindeer. I'm actually pretty happy with some iced oatmeal cookies from a box. I'm pretty easy to please. That being said, STOP WITH THE FANCY GOURMET JUNK! Every year, I stop at the home of some Paula Deen or Rachael Ray that tries to slip me some carrot caramel muffins or oatmeal ganache or some carrot souffle touched with extract of dragonfruit! You have to understand, I have in my sleigh a supply of Pepto, Gas X, and other gastro shields that get me through the night, and these fancy schmancy dishes you learned from Food Network make it harder for the meds to work! Keep it simple, stupid!

Gift Lists From, er, Down Under!

   I do enjoy getting your lists of things you want. Heck, I get a good laugh out of some of the challenges you set forth for the toy factory. However, I think there is a limit. Sure, we can do the video game system or the tablet and forge the company logos on them. We're tech-savvy. We are NOT in the human cloning business, though. Asking for a new daddy or a new mommy is just something we're not equipped for. We can manage something INFLATABLE, though, and I'm pretty sure mommy or daddy can make some use out of it. But let's keep the match-making to Tinder until further notice.

Home Security Blues

   Umm, it's Christmas Eve. I think just this one night in the year, we can turn the laser grid off. I'm Santa Claus, not Tom Cruise's stunt double. It's hard enough to get to the tree among your other obstacles without having to become an acrobat. And when that, er, "jolly" sound comes on, I have to haul Santa Butt and get up the chimney before the alarm police (people I gave plastic badges to when they were kids and they missed the mark somewhere) make a nuisance of themselves. Trying to get up a chimney while being asked your password is a jolly pain!

About All my Street Elves ...

   We need to talk about the schmucks (yes, Santa can say that) who you see at stores, malls, and on street corners. Hate to let you know this but they're not....wait, yes, of COURSE they're my people! Don't be silly. However, I have some elves who need some, well, remedial, perhaps medieval, discipline. Some are not meeting the jolly standards I expect at the North Pole. So I quality control them by making them listen to all the kids' wishes, feel the urine flow, and ring bells to get money for charity. Some have returned to me reformed and jolly. Some have remained down there for decades, even centuries. But an elf is an elf, and is always welcome home when they get their act straight....IF they get their act straight.

Mrs. Claus

   Oh yes, in those letters those wonderful kids send me, about one in four asks about Mrs. Claus. Umm, exactly what do you want to know? Yes, she sews socks and underwear like Betsy Ross on crack! Yes, she cooks and force-feeds me for a month until the LDL level requires statin meds. What else do you want to know? You think we sit in rocking chairs and play bingo for the rest of the year like we're in some Sun City retirement prison? No, my wife has a few tricks that make a year fly pretty quick. See? I gain the weight in a month, lose it through, er, EXERCISE for 11 months, then repeat the cycle. You want me to paint a picture? It ain't Norman Rockwell, folks!

And Finally, The Fire Hazard!

   Yes, I come down a fireplace, I magically make one just to enter when your home has none. I prefer this, actually because my creations have no flames. And then there are those of you who not only leave some embers burning, you apparently poured enough lighter fluid to attract a satellite's attention! Contrary to Tim Allen holiday fantasies, my suit is NOT the most flame retardant material in the North. Put out the fires before midnight, folks, 3rd degree burns are not the best way to celebrate Christmas Day!

 

I appreciate you, I am aware of you...now shut up!

   Last week, I checked my school's weekly activities bulletin, which tells us when we have meetings, assemblies, food poisoning possibilities, district-mandated anal probes, and of course, a notation telling us whatever we should be "aware" of, or things we should "appreciate" that particular week.

   For instance, last week was crime prevention week, which got off to a rollicking start with a tragic mass shooting on the south Strip in Las Vegas. In February, it will be Black History Month ALL MONTH. I have nothing against this, in fact it makes for a good research project for all students. However, schools and libraries are about as far as that appreciation goes.

   I have looked at all the other appreciation months as well. National Reading Month, Stalking Awareness.Month, Endometriosis Month, Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month,
Migraine Awareness Month, Pain Awareness Month (which my wife celebrates all year), and LGBT History Month, among dozens of others. There is nothing wrong with any of these per se, it is just that most of these did not exist when I was a child, and we have gone overboard in society trying to be sensitive...or MAYBE WE HAVE NOT BEEN SENSITIVE ENOUGH!!

   All right, folks! I have created a list of what I personally believe we should be celebrating each month. Believe me, I though long and hard about this, almost half of my lunch break in fact. So, here is Mr. Moore's list of monthly awarenesses and appreciations.

January will be Luxembourger-American Awareness Month. This small but determined group has been ignored long enough and by golly there is no better time than the month otherwise known as Christmas Spending Hangover time. Personally, I think this awareness should occur in the form of 2 NFL linebackers slamming Justin Bieber from both sides.

February should be Air Supply Appreciation Month. This long-forgotten duo, once a staple every 20 minutes on radio stations from 1981-83, is now mainly heard with their sad rendition of "Sleigh Ride" during the holidays, and they deserve more from us...a satellite radio channel that often gets forgotten sounds appropriate.

March shall be Four Square and Tetherball Geek Sensitivity Month. Folks, sometimes we just have to stop and understand that there is an angry group of athlete-wannabes, particularly in areas where there are no major sports to try out for professionally. They have deluded themselves into thinking that ESPN will one day air the Tetherball/Four Square Biathlon. Trust me, ESPN has sunk this low already, it will not be a huge effort.

April! Time for Deadbeat Spouse Month! Come on, we have to leave some awareness time for those exes who somehow have the money to support their new bimbo but can't scrape up the dough to buy school supplies, clothes, haircuts, or even McDonald's on visitation day. Hell, if YOU had to pay for rent, clothes, hair care, jewelry, a car, or booze for your special other, how much does that leave you? Huh? Yeah I didn't think so!

May? What better a time for Love of Brie Month? I couldn't think of a better or worse one, either. However, this bland cheese to go on bland crackers and the only way it will taste like anything is to drink lots of wine has been underappreciated for long enough!

June is of course a great time for Argyle Sock Month! When is the last time we stopped to wear graph paper on acid on our feet? I can't remember, either!

July shall be earmarked for Grenada Invasion Month! In a way, Operation Desert Storm was a tribute in terms of length and effectiveness, but this practical Marine training exercise deserves its due time.

It's August! Time for Esprit Remembrance Month. Try to find one of those bags and remember it, by golly, and stuff everything you can in it and carry it around EVERYWHERE YOU GO FOR THE WHOLE MONTH! You will get noticed, I guarantee it.

September has just been named as Cheez n Crackers Appreciation Month! I have had it with people who deride this chemical and salt-laden carb and plastique-disguised-as-cheese concoction that leaves its eaters hungrier than ever! Of course, half the time, this small package got stuck in the snack machine coils for years. Then again, with its nuclear half-life a la Twinkies, once rescued they are rumored to be palatable with a minimum of bowel discomfort.

David Schwimmer Month is the new name for October. That makes sense, as his post-Friends career is as scary and dark as Halloween itself! However, I am sure the $3 bin at Wal Mart will have something...somewhere....maybe?

Look no further than November for Trekkie History Month. The heritage of this vital group has long been in danger of being erased and it is time to stop  the ignorance. During this month, all cable channels above 900 will air extensive documentaries featuring interviews with Walter Koenig's barber, William Shatner's acting coach, and a seance with Gene Roddenberry.

My wife has denoted December as Take Your Dog to Work Month. Not a day, not a week, but all damn month! Never mind your boss or your co-workers and their bitchy complaints about the barks and hair. If they put up a fuss, call the ACLU, it is a violation of rights by crackie!

I hope you have aware of these needs, appreciated this article, and will remember I am a sociopath who will write anything for the hell of it! History will prove my greatness...or have me committed!

Coming to a Desert near You...Hurricane Wynn

   Now that the southeastern United States has been inundated with 2 major hurricanes, and could potentially get more, I have decided to take it upon myself to prepare our nation for the "big one"...yes, we in Vegas and the rest of the nation need to be prepared for Hurricane Wynn!

   Yes, I know that the name Wynn gives the destructive imagery of a newly neutered mutt, but this one will be HUGE.

   For those not in the know, a guy named Steve Wynn came to Las Vegas in the 1980s and had a dream: he'd change the image of Las Vegas from a badass gangster-run gambling mecca to tightass yuppie-run gambling mecca and raise prices on everything from shrimp cocktails to 1 bedroom apartments by 10k percent!

   I hope we all know what to do in a hurricane! Hahahaha, yeah right! People in the desert and southern California panic when a single errant drop from the sky, often just bird shit, lands on the windshield. They spin out of control and cause traffic jams going from San Diego to Fresno. Then we have the mighty Floridians, who know full well (yet sometimes do not act) how to prepare, so let me put aside my smartassed plot for a moment to remind of basic tips.

1. Grab supplies that will help you should the power go out for a lengthy time. This includes batteries, drinking water, canned and bagged goods, a first aid kit, and a crank radio to listen to emergency updates.

2. Keep your vital documents like deeds and insurance papers handy so you're not footing the entire repair bill.

3. Get some plywood IN THE SPRING to cover those windows when the season actually comes upon you, don't wait until August when everyone is panicking. Also make sure the house is as safe as can be so the waters don't look for trouble at your corner.

4. Back up electronics like computers and phones, preferably on a cloud device FAR AWAY from water central!

5. Above all, have a plan to GET THE HELL OUT!! If you live in an eastern state, you have the luxury of numerous highways and freeways to take you to safer ground. The same goes for Texas, though many did not take Harvey seriously enough. I admire Texas toughness, but often tough and stupid are synonymous with each other in certain gene pools.

OK, back to being a smartass!

Monday, October 2, 2017

   The Moore family is ready to get through their final week of stretching a long paycheck, thanks to a stupid credit union's deposit schedule! The fridge and pantry are stocked with enough food to get us through that week, thanks to skillful planning. As I sit to watch Jeopardy with my wife, an Emergency Alert comes on. Hurricane Wynn, a category 7 monster, has pummeled through Texas and it making its way to northern Mexico and the American southwest. Las Vegas is expected to be right in its path within two days.

   There are not many options for us, as the Vegas Valley is essentially a 600 square mile flood plain with no drainage systems for a huge storm. The structural quality of the homes and numerous condo and apartment buildings is weaker than many Lego creations I have seen. As the Vegasans were not expecting to ever get hit with this type of storm, a mass panic ensues around town. All Lowes and Home Depots are pretty much looted of their lumber that night BEFORE the storm is even close.

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

   I go into work that day, but it is a futile gesture. The classrooms are sparsely populated as parents have essentially taken the doomsday panic option. In fact, we are allowed to leave at 10 after making sure our remaining students are picked up.

   Reports of mass traffic jams heading south abound on the radio. We know we're not staying, but heading west or south would just be a disaster. Further reports tell that the casinos will not act as emergency shelters. While it seems cruel, it is also moot. Anyone who stays is an idiot.

   As Natalie and I get home, we see three suitcases and Vickie standing outside the door. Packed are our clothes and body cleansing items, as well as some sandwiches and drinks she made quickly. Also sitting there is the pet cage. We are ready.

   With just $250 and whatever our other cards can handle, we set out for north as far as we can get. A few drops of rain in Mesquite make us tense a bit, but nothing major. Traffic is mildly heavy, but moving at speed limit. By night we have arrived in northern Utah. The reports are good. We are safe from the storm. If we stay in our car for just one more day, we can make it to family in South Dakota who can put us up until we figure out what to do next.

Wednesday October 4, 2017

   The Moores head to South Dakota, to sanctuary. The news reports are grim. The hurricane hit Las Vegas at 4a.m., earlier than expected. Devastation is rampant throughout the valley. The Stratosphere toppled as well as The Trump and The Palms. The Hoover Dam has sustained severe damage. What is worse, however, is the casualty rate among those who fled at the last minute. Interstate 15, U.S. 95, and U.S. 93 southbound are all disaster areas. Many overpasses crumble under the force of Wynn.

Wednesday October 10, 2017

   The Moores return to Las Vegas, but only for a short time. The apartment complex is relatively fine, but water damage is everywhere. What we left behind is beyond repair. Luckily, our neighbors made it to safe haven beforehand. Vickie's mom and brother and his family all toughed it out together and made it. However, the mass exodus out of town has made things uncertain for the valley. Many stores have been looted for what people could get. The damage sustained on buildings, highways, and the dam will take long to assess and repair. The CCSD has not made plans to reopen as yet due to school damage and low student populations. Fear is in the air. Renowned media religion hacks are calling it the time of reckoning for the City of Sin.

Ironically it is the most pleasant day in quite some time weather-wise.

   We head back to South Dakota for an uncertain future. One thing is sure, we are leaving nothing behind of great value. They were just things, and we have each other always.

OK OK this is unlikely to happen, though I enjoy the parallels between the hurricane name and the damage it brought to Vegas. My point is that when a disaster is impending, don't wait until the last minute to make sure you and the family are safe. It doesn't take much in terms of time and money, and you will be better off in the long run!

It's Another Book Review, I Confess!

   It is time once again to dig into my bookshelf for a classic Bryan Moore book review. I don't do it as often as I should. OK, Bryan, cut the crap and get to it!

   Tonight's entry: "Confess, Fletch". It is the second entry in the Fletch book series by the late Gregory McDonald and, for a change, not source material for a movie. Chronologically, it would be the 6th book in the Fletch series, as Mr. McDonald jumped around the Fletch timeline frequently during the 9-book series between 1974 and 1986. "Confess" was published in 1976. Personally, I believe this to be the best work in the series, with the original book coming in at a close second. This is due to two major characters instead of one.

   The major character is Irwin Maurice Fletcher, known more colloquially as Fletch. An instinctual former reporter who previously came upon $3 million in the original novel, he is now a man of independent means, though by no means a tacky representative of the nouveau riche. He is greatly appreciative of fine art and respects the value of a dollar, having previously lived on a reporter's salary and owed 2 ex-wives back and front alimony.

   That is his past life, and now he is in Boston searching for a vast, stolen art collection belonging to  Italian count Clementi Arbogastes de Grassi, presumably kidnapped and murdered shortly before the book began. Fletch is also engaged to "Menti's" daughter Angela and is looking for the de Grassi collection on her behalf. There is one hitch to his search: in the apartment he has just rented is the slain naked body of a young woman. In the first of many great scenes, he calls the police business line instead of police emergency, as the emergency is over.

   In comes the second major character, Inspector Francis Xavier Flynn, to investigate. He is Irish, a large-built man with a smaller head and a voice played like a soft woodwind. He is wry, quite intelligent, and a perfect match for Fletch's innately dodgy nature. He earns Fletch's respect quickly. Flynn is shown as a good man, a cop who solves cases on his own meticulous nature and time, never bowing to political pressure. He is also a firm but loving husband and father of 4.

   Along with Flynn comes Sergeant Richard T. Whelan, who is dubbed "Grover" by Flynn throughout the book. Grover is a classic example of a hard-charging cop, preferring to arrest on circumstantial evidence and let the law take its course.  He reminds me of Wojciehowitz on "Barney Miller". Flynn treats him as a necessary but unwanted presence. Grover's respect for him is even lower.

   Throughout the book, Fletch, going under the moniker of Peter Fletcher (a ruse quickly uncovered by Flynn), is alternately trying to solve the woman's murder to get himself off the hook, as his fingerprints were the only ones on the murder weapon (a wine bottle), while also coming into contact with Professor Ronald Risom Horan, an arrogant art dealer whom Fletch almost immediately dislikes and suspects of having the de Grassi collection.

   There are many other supporting characters adding much flavor to Fletch's world.

Angela de Grassi: Fletch's young fiancee who is determined to reclaim the de Grassi art collection in order to take care of her home and servants in Italy.

Sylvia de Grassi: Angela's stepmother, quite busty, 40ish, and hot-tempered. She is also determined to get the art collection, but mostly for herself. In the middle of the book, she "rapes" Fletch in order to curry favor with him. This scene is important because it re-establishes Fletch as a believer in free love.

Jack Saunders: An editor at the Boston Globe and Fletch's old boss from when they worked at a Chicago newspaper. He loves work more than his family, and calls Fletch in one late night to cover a series of fires. Fletch has a quick theory about the cause, which Flynn  later disproves. This part does 2 things. One, it shows how good an investigator Fletch is, and two, it shows Flynn as a competent detective.

Bart Connors: The owner of the apartment Fletch is living at. Bart has taken residence in Fletch's home in Italy in turn through a homeswapping service. Connors is a middle-aged lawyer going through a painful divorce. He and Angela engage in coitus, showing Angela to be as liberated at Fletch. Bart is the singular focus of Fletch's suspicion of the woman's murder, Fletch believing that Bart killed her before leaving for Italy.

Lucy Connors: Bart's soon-to-be-ex-wife. A recently de-closeted lesbian, she has taken residence with her lover Marsha Hauptmann. Through a clever Fletch ruse, he learns that Lucy has a history of sexual violence and anger. She is another suspect of murder in Fletch's eyes.

Clay Robinson: The murder victim's fiance, he comes to confront and kill Fletch. Fletch quickly disarms and comforts Clay in his distraught grief. I like this scene because it shows Fletch as a compassionate understanding character, adding to his complex nature.

   Over the course of the book, there are many funny and witty scenes as Fletch consistently loses his police tail, speaks with Flynn, and sets up the suspected art thief for a fall.

   Probably the two best scenes are between Fletch and Flynn. In the first, Flynn makes a genuinely friendly visit to Fletch in order to get to know his number one suspect better. He cannot arrest Fletch until he has all of the evidence and there is just something about his suspect that makes him reluctant. in  the same visit, Fletch (and we) learn that Flynn  was a member of the Jugendfuhrer (Hitler youth) as a spy for the British government. The other scene is where Fletch visits Flynn's home near the airport. There he meets Elsbeth (Flynn's wife), Randy, Todd, Jennifer, and Winnie (Flynn's kids), and watches them perform a 40-minute concert of Beethoven music.

   The murder case and art thievery are resolved at the end with a few twists and turns and a surprise at the end. I have read this book many times and enjoy it thoroughly each time. It is a great example of witty dialogue, the rival of Robert B. Parker's Spenser novels.

Highly recommended to all...if you can find a copy! Thank heaven for Amazon and used book stores!

Teachers on Tap

   Speaking as an educator of 15 years...well, actually 19 1/2 if you count substitute teaching, which most don't rate above shrimp fryer at Long John Silver's...I've had it with the dichotomy of "we need more teachers...they're just not worth what other professions make."

   Now, I will not get up on my Zest soapbox to say "HOW DARE YOU?! DON'T YOU KNOW THAT TEACHERS GIVE CHILDREN AN EDUCATION SO THEY CAN HAVE A FUTURE?! AND BY THE WAY, I DON'T USE ZEST! I'M JUST STANDING HERE BECAUSE IT WAS THE ONLY SOAPBOX AROUND!!" I have heard it all before and nothing changes, probably never will.

   Instead, I want to present: MR. MOORE MASTERPIECE YET ABSURDIST THEATER! I will present a completely nonsensical scenario because you all know how my head works: like a Great Value trash bag, it needs to be emptied more often than the leading brand.

   Tonight's episode: Teachers on Tap

   It is present day in anywhere U.S.A. The teachers in town and the rest of America are dealing with too much stress than they can handle. Rallies for raises are failing even in unionized areas. Class sizes are increasing...not the actual classroom but the room population, with no relief in sight. Parents have been given power to sue individual teachers just for speaking firmly to their child. Even in charter schools, once considered the enemy, teachers have even less rights than in the public schools. The only schools that appear to be working are private high-tuition schools that only the richest can afford.

   Sounds realistic so far, doesn't it?

   In the summer of 2020, there is a massive gold and silver rush on the Montana-Saskatchewan border and throughout western Canada in general. Plenty of work for all as miners or even teachers of children in the new mining camps. This is even bigger than the mid 19th century rushes, and there are not enough Canadians to work and manage the mines.

   The call is made to educators in particular and there is a massive exodus of teachers from the nation's schools. Emergency Canadian citizenship is granted to the new workers. It is a new life for many. There are no longer the hassles of Common Core, large class sizes, and an ever-increasing bureaucracy determined to keep teachers "in their place". The new wealth is modest, but soon those ore strikes are bringing in new homes with real yards, and a good life. Not a rich life, but just enough to not stress over. That is not to say there is no strife. Cancer and heart disease ad bad nutrition are as rampant as ever, but overall the lives of formerly-beleaguered educators are completely turned around for the better. Being Canadian becomes great, eh?

   However, that is telling only half the story. Back in the States, there are school districts with bureaucracies that never learned to quit the power trip. As class sizes increase due to a lack of teachers, administrators have to step down to become teachers themselves, and inner school district higher-ups in the "big offices" have to step in to become principals and heaven forbid TEACHERS....it is not enough and the whole system is in chaos!

   Many schools have to turn kids away because there is no more room in the classrooms to take even half a breath. Parents are frantic because there is nobody to educate, hell just WATCH their kids while they work. Many parents are fired because they take too much time off to search for a school with breathing room or just spend the day with their kids. They look to move to Canada, but the rush is coming to a close, the fortunes have been landed, and Canada and Montana are enjoying economic circuitry like never before.

   The President (I won't assume it is the guy who rhymes with dump), after meeting with Congress in an unusual time of cooperation, decides to enact Executive Order 6666- The Teacher Draft Act. Similar to the military draft pre-1975, people over the age of 21 will get a boot camp-style teacher training in "proper" education (Common Core, low salaries, big bureaucracy,etc.) for a few weeks, then be sent ANYWHERE in the country to serve at pretty much military noncom wages.

   According to the government, the system is working. More teachers are filling classrooms, the higher-up admins return to their glory offices and glory salaries. Re-elections seem imminent. Everything is calm and settled down...and IN CONTROL...seemingly.

   The draft philosophy slowly begins to unravel when two reporters, we'll call them Woolworth and Boscov (sorry, Woodward and Bernstein threatened to sue), catch a whiff of scattered arrests of teachers involved in physical and sexual abuse of students. There is also an uprising of student AND teacher pregnancies. Seems that the emergency draft, like other hastily organized government actions, neglected to incorporate psychological exams and background checks. Mass teacher firings and arrests abound. Sure, there are those who can do the job, but they are slim in number.

   More teachers are drafted, and the cycle continues. Hastily-organized (are you shocked?) psych evals consisting of social media quizzes attempt to weed out the lowlifes, because we all know how accurate those quizzes are ("click TRY ANOTHER ANSWER if you didn't like this one") and minimal background checks occur in the form of confirming they have a social security number and a salad shooter. Still, legal problems arise. As this was a Federal solution, the government of course blames the states and school districts for the failure. All in all, the higher-up administrators return to schools and the nation's children get dumber through electronic devices and weak physical abilities. Dissolve to Canada and Montana where the formerly stressed teachers are living happy lives, and not even concerned with what is happening "down there" (so to speak).

   At the end of this episode, Mr. Moore is revealed, sitting at his computer with a cup of coffee, trying to jut out his lower lip like Rod Serling. "Ladies and gentlemen and ladies who want to be gentlemen and gentlemen who want to be ladies but still identify with really wanting to be a head of romaine lettuce, what you have just seen was a dramatization of what could happen if our political leaders state and Federal don't get their heads out of their collective hairy ankles. Next week, the life and times of funnyman Sean Penn!"

Mr. Moore Mysteries

   I don't know about you, but I've come to the conclusion that the cable industry has over-expanded to the point where Raymond Burr would have looked to be in shape by comparison. There are channels and offshoots of those channels that air marathons of the same show for hours on end. My wife can channel surf at any given time and find a MASH episode on one of them. Reba and The Golden Girls are other sure-fire candidates for eternal reruns.

   I remember a day, a very magical day, in 1986. Before that magical day, we had a total of 11 channels on a system called BerksCable, which I long suspected of being operated from a tech geek's basement on Penn Avenue in Sinking Spring.To my recollection, those channels were 3 and 8(both NBC), 6 (ABC), 10 and 15 (both CBS), 12 and 44 (both PBS), 17, 29, 69,  (both independents), and USA. Also, via a bizarre device called a switcher box, we got a regional pay service called PRISM, which aired movies, Philly sports, and softcore porn (so I've heard, wink wink).

   On that magical day, a guy from the updated BerksCable, now housed in the Reading Airport's hangar, delivered a new cable box and got access to Nickelodeon, ESPN, A&E, Bravo, BET, Discovery, along with more premium channels. We soon found out, however, that there was a lot of crap on most of those channels most of the time, so we stuck to the local stuff most of the time.

   As time has gone on, more channels have entered the fray. From what I can tell, most of these new channels exist primarily to offer hours of the same show at a time. I don't know how these channels make any money, as these shows probably come with a low rental fee anyway.

   A few of these channels seem to exist to offer cable-only mystery and heartstring-pulling movies. That is to say, if you want hours of Christmas tree sap, cheeky yet cheesy mysteries, or the disease-bringing-a-torn-apart-family-together tearjerker via red onion, then the Hallmark channels are the way to go! Those mysteries, really comedies, star Candace Cameron-Bure, Lori Loughlin, Jewel, or some other TV or music has-been that thinks she can pull off amateur detective work, while maintaining a real job, with full credibility.

   Well by golly I meet the qualifications to have my own cable mystery movie! I've done some cheesy camcorder-made movies and sung badly in the car and in the shower, and I maintain a real job.

PRESENTING: THE MR. MOORE MYSTERIES, STARRING MR. MOORE HIMSELF!

Seriously, nobody can capture my humorous, fun-loving yet sociopathic personality like yours truly!

A typical entry will begin with the view of an unsuspecting victim's hairy ankle(feet have been overdone) as they move in some dark place, or perhaps the bathroom. We need to be a bit risque, so we'll need the sound of a flushing toilet while maintaining the view of the ankle. Within a minute, we'll hear a dull thud as the ankle rotates quickly to a horizontal position, along with a loud "OUCH!", because the typical death groan has been overdone. I know I know, some audiences will complain that the naked ankle needs to be covered with a sock, but this IS cable, dammit!

CUT TO:

Mr. Moore sitting at his computer desk, sipping his coffee while playing some stupid online slot or looking at Edge of Night videos, trying to decide which will wake him up quicker. Suddenly a chat window pops up on social media. It is his friend and colleague Candice, bemoaning the fact that it's Thursday and that means early staff training day. Moore curses, now fully awake, realizing he should be at work already! Candice advises him to move his ass.

As Mr. Moore dashes to the car, he realizes that his daughter is still asleep. He then realizes there was no room for her in the movie budget, so he continues on his way. As he speeds toward work, the Commissioner of Something or Other calls and says she (we try to be politically correct) has a feeling someone with hairy ankles died, but can't spare anyone to investigate.

Moore hurries into the workplace library, being given the death stare by both bosses as some teacher trying to get professional growth brownie points shows the staff how to connect dental floss to reading comprehension. Moore sits subtly in the back, daydreaming about dead hairy ankles when suddenly he has an inspriation. He dashes to the men's room, remembering he didn't go at home. While there, he sees...DEAD HAIRY ANKLES ON THE FLOOR!

DISSOLVE TO:

Mr. Moore antagonizes everyone in the library, subtly accusing each one of murdering the person with the ankles (we'll call him Mortimer) through seemingly innocent questions such as "What do you have against hairy ankles?" and "What would a woman like you be doing in the men's room? If you ARE a woman!" This part, along with being chewed out by both the bosses AND the cops for interfering in the investigation, goes through 4 commercial breaks.

Of course, we need to have a homey feeling, so Mr. Moore dashes home for a quickie lunch or a quickie with the wife. If it's lunch, it'll be a quick sandwich and rehashing of the morning's events. If it's a quickie, only ankles will be shown.

CUT TO:

Moore returns to the workplace, but no kids are seen due to the damn cable budget. Instead we see him teaching some lesson about dental floss as the boss is watching to a group of 40 ankles (obviously mannequins upon close examination). In the middle of the lesson, Moore stops midsentence, realizing in flashback that there was a thread of floss on the bathroom floor next to Mortimer! Excusing himself for a restroom break (infuriating the boss even further), he instead goes to confront the substitute custodian. There is a furious struggle as the custodian tries to kill Moore with his screwdriver. For some reason this substitute is wearing a ski mask, but hey, all cheesy mysteries have ski masks in the wardrobe budget!

Moore defends himself through witty homicidal one-liners and really bad martial arts moves learned from rice cooker instructions. Somehow, his opponent gives up, admitting he killed Mortimer because he was in line for the custodian day job and he needed the job desperately.

As the cops lead the custodian away, Mr. Moore is ready to call it a day, not remembering he still has students in the classroom. This is one angle that will make the movie series a success: Moore keeps getting fired at the end of every movie and get into a new profession in the next entry, but is satisfied he got his man (or woman if certain groups protest too much).

Summer 2017 Road Trip Conclusion...er part 7

   It had been quite the trip, in fact it was a dream trip to me. I had seen many fine points of the American West, and quite frankly I would have loved another week and a thousand bucks more to afford it, as we had not seen everything .Yellowstone and the Tetons would have been a terrific finale to this adventure. However, there comes a time when you want to be in familiar surroundings, LIKE YOUR OWN BED! Also, the Mustang was due back Saturday, so Thursday was a good day to head back with plenty of time cushion "just in case".

   On Thursday morning, Natalie and I woke up and had a little breakfast in the Econolodge office. Good thing the desk clerk had no idea we weren't even guests there! Haha just kidding, that free continental assortment would serve a freeloader right! It's a violation of the Geneva Convention to foist it upon paying customers like us. After a while, we got packed, turned in the key, gassed up, and got onto I 80 west toward Salt Lake City.

   Interstate 80 has some meaning for me. It was the majority of the Ohio Turnpike when we traveled from Pennsylvania to Michigan and back for so many years. When I lived in northern California, my buddy Scott and I took it going to his parents' house in Fairfield and also occasional excursions to Reno. One could almost call it transcontinental as it heads from San Francisco to New Jersey, but it doesn't end near the coast, but just short of New York City. Close but no cigar. It lightly touches upon Sacramento and the Chicago area and goes through Des Moines and Omaha. but 80 is mostly rural with several small towns scattered here and there. 80 in Wyoming is a bunch of nothing, albeit pretty nothing.

   Heading down the pike, we kept seeing signs for a place called Little America. In fact there werre so many signs we thought it might be a megacomplex. It didn't matter to us, we were hungry so we decided to stop and have a bite, thinking there'd be a sitdown place. For all that billboard hoopla, Little America was a disappointment. It was merely a huge Sinclair gas stop for cars and trucks alone with a large convenience store with a snack bar. We grabbed some small road eats and headed out.

   Down a little further, we saw an exit with a "Business loop 80" designation. Now, when one sees that, one expects at least some fast food goodness, but all we got was a 15-mile stretch with 3 small burgs: Lyman, Urie, and Fort Bridger. Oh we saw life, but not the life with sit-down service. Coming back to the interstate, we settled on some Taco Bell, which satisfies me never.

   Back to the road, we eventually passed through Evanston and then crossed into Utah. It was already the afternoon and we were still almost 500 miles from home. After 50 miles of more curves and peaks, well I hate to say it, but my mind was on home, not exploring. Sure, I'd never been in these parts before, but Taco Bell was running thin! We got onto U.S. 40 east. This was actually the western end of 40, the eastern end is in Atlantic City, New Jersey. After about 20 miles, we entered Heber City and got onto U.S. 189 toward Provo.

   At least this road was interesting! It wound through several canyons within the Wasatch Mountains, passing along a beautiful deep blue lake. After all that beauty, we entered Orem. The signs told us to get to I 15 via Orem, but I later found out that I could have kept on 189 and still ended up at 15 in Provo. Ah, the exhaustion of the road was getting to me!

   Upon getting onto 15, we were in familiar territory. There were about 30 miles of small towns in Utah County in a row, which make it feel like one large spread-out town. After Santaquin, 15 entered rural Utah. I like this area because it goes fast via an 80 mile per hour speed limit, and the 3 hours to the Arizona line go by quickly. In the 55 mph days, this would have been a 4-5 hour affair!

   We stopped at an old haunt called Lisa's in Nephi. At last we could have a real meal and I was not stingy on cost, we deserved this! After the meal and a gas touch-up, we got back on the road. After Scipio and Fillmore, we eventually passed the exit for I 70. I could not help but feel a bit sad as we passed this exit. There was a small temptation to get back on just to relive the sense of adventure from the previous Friday when we'd taken 70 to Richfield to camp for the night. It was just another indication that our adventure was coming to a close.

   A stop in Beaver gave a thirst for ice cream...well at least Dairy Queen ice cream. It's not the same, but it was what we had to work with. A hot coffee was also in order as I was feeling the drain from hours of driving. Before long, we went once again through gorgeous Cedar City and then downhill to St. George. It really is a temperature difference of about 20 degrees between the two towns. Cedar City is cooler uphill and St George is more like Las Vegas. Into Arizona and the Virgin River Gorge we drove and then it was back in Nevada soon after. We stopped at the first Mesquite exit for a McNugget touch-up, then headed home.

   This was an adventure I could relive, with a couple of changes, like not losing or damaging my wife's things, and getting a more worthy car for such a trek. It was certainly the highlight of my summer.

   I know that words do not give a complete view of what I saw and did in that week, but rather a few snapshots. I encourage everyone who can to take a year off of air travel and see America from the ground. It really is worth the time to see something you have always wanted to see. For me it was The Bear Lodge (Devil's Tower for the uneducated). For others it could be the Grand Canyon, Yellowstone, Yosemite, the ocean, hell even a Disney compound. But make the time to have an adventure where your luggage won't get lost, where you can find local eateries, where you can see the great land of ours. It's worth it, believe me!

  

  

Summer 2017 Road Trip Part 6: Wyoming is Heaven

   I love Wyoming!

   With solid determination for a great day, we woke up in our Spearfish motel at a decent time Wednesday morning. The original plan was to first go east a few miles so that Vickie could visit her grandfather's grave near Sturgis, then head west to Wyoming. It didn't happen that way. Vickie decided to forgo the cemetery visit as she didn't see a point to it anymore. I wasn't going to push her and it was her decision.

   So, we just went right into Wyoming after 14 miles. Wyoming still retained its beautiful hills and a healthy blend of greenery and golden land. After 22 miles, we entered Sundance. We got gas then got a tip on a good place to eat breakfast, right in downtown Sundance! It's a typical Wyoming town in terms of population and coziness. Our tip was a small but nice breakfast and lunch place called Higbee's. It was the kind of place where the locals gather to just drink coffee and shoot the breeze. I could see us going there once a week for breakfast if we lived there.

   Back on the road, we got off the freeway for a while so we could see what we used to call Devil's Tower. After a little road work delay and some nice road curves, we caught sight of it. I almost had tears in my eyes as I gazed upon the real thing for the first time in my life. I was actually going to be near it! After 10 more miles we were finally there. Waiting in line to pay admission was not irritating for a change, I could still see it.

   The Bear Lodge, as the Tower should be named, is hypnotic. Spielberg chose the place wisely because it truly does draw people to it. There is a spiritual Earth energy there when you gaze upon it, climb to it, walk among the trees surrounding it. It is an experience that is hard to describe in words, and it was tough leaving, for we had many miles to travel. However, Natalie and I climbed toward it on a path for a few hundred feet, all uphill. We also examined the gift shop and got a trinket or two, and then listened to a park ranger tell us a legend about how the Bear Lodge got to look the way it does.

   I regretted not being able to camp there for one night, for I could imagine the plethora of stars above us. Well, I could imagine it on a CLEAR night, but northeastern Wyoming was a sporadically rainy day Wednesday.

   After an ice cream at the park exit, we headed back to U.S. 14 and meandered to Moorcroft. "Close Encounters" made it seem like Moorcroft was closer to the Tower, but Sundance actually is closer. At Moorcroft we took a stretch break and headed back onto I 90. Down the road was Gillette, where we stopped for some nuggets. We thought there was a Sonic in town but no dice. Back on 90, we proceeded to Buffalo where we exited back on to old Black Hills friend U.S. 16.

   On an historical note, U.S. 16 used to extend all the way to Wisconsin and then, via ferry, it continued in Michigan and ended in downtown Detroit. My parents remember it as the main road Grand River Avenue going between the Detroit area and Lansing.

   We took 16 into the Bighorn Mountains, winding around for several miles through beautiful country. We passed through a few small towns like Ten Sleep and Worland, taking on U.S. 26 for a bit then picking up U.S. 20 into Thermopolis. Thermopolis is a town containing hot springs. If we had thought about it, we would have stayed there overnight, but not for the springs.

   There is a canyon that had been experiencing rock, or rather BOULDER slides just south of Thermopolis. There was a 3 hour period when the road was closed in that area and we came just at the wrong time. So, we hung at a Taco John's for 2 1/2 hours.

   Just before 10, we got back on the road, experiencing no problems. We were even treated to a tunnel or two. We passed through Shoshoni and Riverton and then a lot of nothingness besides a grand orange moon setting in front of us. At 1:30, we pulled into Rock Springs and quickly got into our motel for much needed rest. The next day we'd arrive home.

   Did I mention I love Wyoming?

Summer 2017 Road Trip part 5: Black Hills Boogie

   Happy 80th blog post to me! Okay, moving on!

   Waking up in a tent for the 2nd time on the trip proved to be less painful this time around. For one thing, the air mattress was blown to full capacity and sealed right, giving much better cushion. Also, I had not partaken in major caffeine beforehand. I still woke up at 6:30, but better rested. It was a beautiful morning in Spearfish, South Dakota.

   After getting our gear stowed away, we decided to eat breakfast right away. Our dinner of Taco Bell was not sufficient the previous night. Down the road was Perkin's,a Coco's-like eatery, which pretty much means snobby Denny's. While eating, I texted Vickie's Uncle Dan and Aunt Kim, who had recently moved from the Vegas area to Spearfish. They joined us for a little bit later. Their kids also live in Spearfish. Interesting migration patterns! Foreshadowing for us?

   After breakfast, we high-tailed the 40 miles on I-90 to Rapid City so that we could meet up with Vickie's Aunt Leanna. She gave us a package with some of Vickie's grandfather's things to give to Vickie's mom, then slipped Natalie a $20 bill for souvenirs. It was a quick visit in a parking lot, but she had to get to a golf game.

   From Rapid City, we headed east on U.S. 16 toward Keystone and Mount Rushmore. This uphill drive has a little something for everyone. There are shops, an in-car trail called Bear Country, which has much more than just bears! There is also Reptile Gardens, a magnificent place to walk around and see all sorts of animals, and they are not just reptiles.

   Also in this area is an establishment known as the cowboy supper. We've done this Nazi torture twice. First, you get a so-so meal of dry beef or dry chicken, a roll, apple sauce, and some sort of veggie and lemonade. After the "banquet", you sit and watch a corny live version of Hee Haw. For this you pay $30 per head. We vowed not to do this on the trip for strictly budgetary and mental health reasons.

   A few miles down, 16 splits into 16 and 16a. We took 16a into the town of Keystone, which is a  frontier version of Estes Park, with shops and eateries all around. Pretty fun, really. There is also an area where you can zip-line, go down an Alpine slide, and head up an aerial tram to a viewpoint to see Rushmore. I had assumed the tram was like a small train car cube entirely enclosed. Au contraire, you stand still while the car comes at you from behind. You have to sit quickly and pull a safety bar down and let your legs hang. Natalie was not all that fond of the ride. Once it starts, though, it is actually pretty fun.

   At the top, we took a few shots of Mount Rushmore, though one of the faces was hard to see. Most people think that the faces are huge, while they are fairly small. It is a place I recommend to all citizens, though. After photos, we grabbed a snack at the snack stand. I opted for a hot dug, not realizing it was a big fat beef dog. For those who do not know, I suffer form occasional gout bouts, and beef dogs are a major trigger.

   Afterward, we headed down. It was the same ritual getting on the car, except that my wallet fell out! Luckily, one of the employees grabbed it and headed down the Alpine slide. She got to the bottom before we did. Whew! We looked in a few shops, got our baubles (including a nice Sean Connery fake ID for me to screw with people) and Natalie got a tee shirt from another shop.

   From Keystone, I decided to take a scenic route and continue on 16a. This proved to be a bad idea, as the road has lots of hairpin turns and elevation changes for over 30 miles. Also, we were stuck behind many slower vehicles from further east. We were relieved to return to 16 in Custer.

   Heading back to Rapid City, we stopped at a Christmas decorations store where Vickie showed remarkable restraint spending-wise.  After that, we headed back into Rapid and then back on 90 west. We stopped in Sturgis to visit with her Uncle Pat and his girlfriend at her house for a few minutes, then continued back to Spearfish.

   Once there, we went to the Dairy Queen where cousin Lizzie works. She was happy to see us and she and Natalie have been close buds since Natalie was very little. Afterward, we found a motel room as it was getting too stormy for camping. Dinner was Applebee's. A little pricy, but we needed something familiar. Afterward, we returned to the motel room and retired for the night.

   I love western South Dakota. It is rich with history, though much of the history is not pretty. The scenery is downright gorgeous! Up next, Devil's Tower!

Summer 2017 Road Trip Part 4: This Bud's for You!

   It felt great to wake up once again in Colorado! The sun was out, the air felt great, and the pillow business was for  the moment forgotten. In fact the only thing that bugged me that morning was eating breakfast at IHOP!

   Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with IHOP apart from overpriced meals. It was just that after 2 mornings of eating at locally unique establishments, IHOP is a letdown. Oh well, it was time to grab some gas (not IHOP-sourced!) and head to I-25.

   In fact, the next exit gave us access to the Budweiser brewery. We parked in the lot, went inside, and learned with great joy that tours are free! While waiting for our 1pm tour to start, we looked around the gift shop and found quite a few neat things. I did end up getting some dry rub and a cold drink, and Natalie got a trinket or 2 as well. Soon our tour began. The first stop was the stables that hold the Clydesdales when they're in town...smelled like it, too!

   After that we went into the main brewhouse and learned all about the process of making beer from start to finish. If you want to know, go to a brewery yourself, there's only so much detail this 44-year old brain can hold. I can say, though, that the process is quite meticulous and is very dependent on a particular crop strain remaining intact. The tasting part was fun. I had a sample of Shock Top, a thick citrusy brew for sure.

   Leaving the brewery soon after, we hopped back on to I 25 and soon entered Wyoming. We were hungry, so we began looking for a place to eat in Cheyenne. Working on a local tip, we found the Down Home Diner. Once again we were dealing with local establishments. After a hearty lunch, we returned to 25 for several miles, then began a series of turns and long stretches on local highways.

   This is when I fell in love with Wyoming. There is an openness to that state, particularly in the eastern part. Gentle turns, rolling hills, and just beautiful countryside made it onto my list of favorite states. It made me realize how much I miss the blend of green and golden earth, I've been around brown too long now.

   At one point, we stopped at the Lusk rest area. We learned something interesting there, that President LBJ and his wife enacted the construction of highway rest areas around the nation. Highways had apparently been overrun with billboards and needed beautification. The Lusk one was the first to be built in Wyoming. We let Natalie play in the playground area for a few minutes. We needed a rest and she needed to move around. It was 6pm and we had many miles to go.

   Returning to the highway, the beauty of Wyoming continued.At one point, I made a decision to take a shorter route to Spearfish. It was a mistake! We could have been in Spearfish by 9:30 at the latest. Instead, we entered South Dakota on U.S. 85 on a VERY windy road. Not only was it windy and dark, but it was also populated with deer on the road. I had to hit the brakes many times to avoid a disaster. Later, we took U.S. 14a to Spearfish, encountering the same hazards.

   At long last, around 10:30, we got into Spearfish. As it was later on a Monday night, we settled for Taco Bell dinnerwise. Afterward, we found our KOA campground and had a slightly easier time than previous setting up the tent. We also had an easier time blowing up the air mattress. Our sleep came much easier that night!

   I will say it again, I LOVE Wyoming! However, the best was yet to come!

Summer 2017 Road Trip part 3: Rocky Mountain Highs and Lows

   I have to admit that waking up in a motel room had provided me with a better rest than the previous night in the tent. Granted it was the first time since my Boy Scout days I had camped like that, but we needed a real rest. I got up and dressed, then headed to the office with Natalie to see what was for eats. As it was the first time I'd seen Parachute in the daytime, I was pleased to see it was in a beautiful setting. The morning had a mildly crisp coolness to it. In the office we found cereal and bagels and coffee and juice, great stuff to get started. Afterward, we packed up and headed out. Little did I know that something had gotten left behind.

   A few miles down I 70, we came across a sign for the New Castle Diner, which had a 50s theme to it. Well, the Moore family is all about those! There's something about eating with oldies playing in the background that makes for a pleasant experience, and by golly this sure was!  This was a morning for a Denver omelet, home fries, and English muffin for me. Inside the men's room was a large cardboard cutout of the Lone Ranger and Tonto. We have to return some day!

   After filling up the car at $2.39/gallon and refilling the cooler with ice, we proceeded down I 70 and soon went through Glenwood Springs, an exquisite town situated in a narrow canyon. Vickie and I had once had dinner there on a previous trip. After the town had passed, we entered Glenwood Canyon, a 20-mile long stretch with the Colorado River rushing beside us. There were tight curves, several tunnels, and just everything a road enthusiast dreams of! Needless to say, this was a highlight of the day!

   After the canyon, 70 goes through a long valley of small towns and then enters the resort area of the valley. We stopped in Vail for a bathroom and drink stop, then proceeded to climb to the highest point on the Interstate system!

   Wait! Not so fast there, boy! Traffic began to slow and then eventually stopped.  I'd read that 70 east backs up regularly on Sundays as people living around Denver often head to the mountains for biking, camping, fishing, whatever. Sunday is the day many head back, so slowdowns are expected. After some online searching, we discovered that there was a crash in the Eisenhower Tunnel! After roughly an hour during which I got out of the car to stretch my legs, traffic began to move. After a few minutes, we went through the massive tunnel. I've always been a tunnel person, so this day was a diamond ring to me, despite the delay!

   Coming out of the tunnel, we needed a bathroom break and some food. We got off in Georgetown and entered Cooper's on the Creek. Natalie had some mac n cheese, Vickie had chicken skewers with a really good sweet chili sauce, and I had elk tartare. All were quite good and a needed respite from the road. Turns out, we needed it for what was to come!

   My plan was to get off in Central City, find highway 119, then proceed toward Estes Park. Life is never that simple. Central City is not well marked with highway signs, and we ended up on a local road which turned into a dirt road all the while promising it would lead to 119. Ten miles later, it did. 119 wound around small peaks and foothills for several miles, then turned east toward Boulder. 72 picked up from there, and then finally route 7 took us on a very curvy, steep adventure until we finally reached Estes Park, a beautiful town just to the east of Rocky Mountain National Park.

   Estes Park is a fun town to park in and just walk up and down the main thoroughfare. We got some chocolate from one shop, and world famous taffy from the Estes Park Taffy Shop. We also ate pizza at Bob and Tony's. The pizza was very good with a thick layer of cheese. After some more light shop-scouting for Natalie to spend money, we headed down U.S. 34. 34 is a pleasantly curvy road with the smell of fireplaces burning wood all the way down the road even in June. I had to roll down the window and take it all in.

   34 took us into Loveland, a really sweet little town in a long string of Front Range cities. Vickie lived there for a while so she commented on what had stayed and what had changed. We turned on to U.S. 287 and headed north 10 miles to Fort Collins where we found our Budget Host Inn. A little pricey but hey, it's Colorado! It was there that we discovered that, to our horror, that I'd accidentally left Vickie's pillow in Parachute and took one of theirs! Yep, it was doghouse time for the husband! I am amazed it did not happen earlier because, well, I'm good at being a bumbling hubby at times. I had a dream that night that Vickie forced us at gunpoint to return to Parachute to get the pillow! That's what a pizza dinner does for my dreams.

   In the end, it was a good day. The traffic jam, endless twisty roads to Estes Park, and the pillow loss were unfortunate incidents, but everything else made up for it! Colorado has always been a source of fun for us and I want to come back.

Summer 2017 Road Trip part 2: Golden Arches

   Nothing like an early morning after a nearly sleepless night to start one's day! Our first night of camping was not exactly a success, and not precisely a disaster, either. We'd proven ourselves to be a great team in putting up the tent and setting our makeshift sleeping surface up. The one big problem was our air mattress, which had not been fully sealed up. Therefore, we'd struggled to sleep on a pretty flat surface. I'd woken up several times during the night and finally gave up on sleep at about 6:30. My philosophy was, if I'm up, everyone's up!

   The KOA site was pretty nice. Bathrooms were easily accessible. We were one of the few tenting families while the rest were RV campers. Resigned to our fate of sleep deprivation, we packed up and rolled out by 7:15. Down the road, we stopped at a diner for breakfast and gassed up. The nice thing about fueling a rental car is that you don't give a rat's ass what you put in as long as its the cheapest. $2.39 worked well for me, little knowing it would get cheaper later!

   On to I 70 east, we soon came to Salina, the last source of gas and food and lodging for 105 miles. We stopped, but only to get the music synced in the car. We could have easily waited until this town to eat breakfast at Mom's Diner, but the restless night had increased the need for immediate coffee!

   After Salina, I 70 is quite curvy and hilly for several miles within the Wasatch Plateau, then opens up into the vast San Rafael Swell. This large area gives spectacular views of sharp rocky cliffs for miles around. It really does feel like a completely different Utah, which makes the state so unique and beautiful. One almost forgets that they've traveled 60 miles already with no motorist services. There are, however, some exits for scenic views and natives hawking rugs and jewelry. Hey, everyone needs to make a living!

   Finally coming to Green River, we stopped for a snack and bathroom break, then returned to the freeway and exited onto U.S. 191. 191 is fairly empty for a while, then enters a region full of gorgeous red rock canyons. We had arrived at Arches National Park! In one word, WOW! The vast array of cliffs, rock formations, and natural rock arches and windows made for quite a viewing experience. We stopped at several spots to take pictures and finally stopped to make sandwiches for a quick lunch. The gift shop was our final stop, and we bought a few trinkets, notably a keychain and magnet, Vickie's mementos of most trips we've taken together. Arches is by far, in my opinion, greater than the Grand Canyon! Quite frankly, most national parks I've visited are better than that!

   Leaving Arches, we crossed the Colorado River and turned on to Utah route 28. This road followed the river for many miles and would be the first in a running theme of our week-long trip: sharp, curvy roads requiring the utmost driver attention! After about 40 miles, the road opened up into the desert again. Access to I 70 via 28 came up, but due to my Google Earth research, I took a different road which saved backtracking and still ended up on 70!

   Twenty miles later, we entered Colorado. I always enjoy this state, as there is so much to see and do no matter where you are. Soon after entering the state, we rolled through the Grand Junction area and stopped for a quick bite and leg stretch at Taco John's, one of Vickie's favorite places to eat. It is a shame we don't have one here because their food is quite good.

   We got back on to 70 and exhaustion was hitting me fast due to lack of sleep and heavy concentration on the curvy route 28. Vickie had made reservations in Parachute for a motel. We had tried to find a campsite, but nothing was available spacewise. I was grateful, for a real bed was what I needed. At exit 75, we entered Parachute, checked in to the Parachute Inn, and quickly got comfy. After being sent out for water for the Waterpik, I was asleep in quick order. I never even bothered to check what was in the office crockpot for free dinner.

   Despite the lack of sleep, this was a great day and I have the pics to show for it!

Summer 2017 Road trip part 1: To Utah or Bust!

      Today I begin a 7 part series on a quite anticipated family vacation. We've been flying here and there for 5 straight summers and I thought it would be fun to go on a family road trip. I actually thought this back in January. Vickie and I agreed that a circular trip to South Dakota and back in a week would be just the right thing. When we received our tax refund in late January, we put half of it on a rental car. Vickie ordered us a Chevy Impala.

   After a few days of packing and dealing with pesky HOA issues (which made us want to leave even more), my friend Marla drove me to the rental car compound (in reality an unused corner in a GMC dealership). Expecting the Impala all shined and ready for me to destroy, I was informed that it would take at least an hour to get an Impala from the airport rental warehouse, but if I wanted there was a modern Ford Mustang just about ready to go.

   This was to become one of a few mistakes on my end. Instead of doing the SMART thing and waiting for what we ordered, the impatient me did the ME thing and said yes. It drove well and had Sirius aboard, as well as a nuclear plant's control panel to decode. It also had a fairly small trunk in stark contrast to its large engine. As we had luggage and camping gear to pack as well as 3 passengers, it became a tight squeeze.

   We technically left for our adventure at 1:30ish. However, there is this strange galactic-league magnetic pull that prevents you from leaving Vegas without applied herculean effort. We first had to get a few food supplies, ice, gas, and a quick snack before leaving. Even then, making our way to 215 and then 15 to leave the state of Nevada proved difficult. It was 5:00 when we crossed the Nevada line.

   The 29 miles of Arizona that I 15 traverses are quite unique in that they are not connected to the rest of the state in any way. Old U.S. 91 services Littlefield and Beaver Dam before heading in a roundabout way to St. George Utah. 15 opened in Arizona  in 1973 to wind through the Virgin River Gorge after Littlefield, making the journey to St. George about 20 miles shorter. It is a beautiful canyon both treasured and feared by drivers. Indeed, if a lane is closed, it can be a slow, treacherous trek among all the truck traffic.

   When 15 emerges from the canyon, the landscape changes dramatically. Instead of a bleak brown desert, a series of high majestic cliffs in Zion National Park in the distance  shows that Utah will be a different experience, although desert is a big part of it, just in a different way.  Red rock cliffs in St. George make that town a pleasant place to drive through. Afterward, 15 begins a steep climb in the mountains with several exits that were once labeled as "RANCH EXIT", now with names like "SNOWFIELD" even though no such towns exist.

   After the climb, 15 emerges in a lush green valley and enters Cedar City. We stopped for a little pick-me-up there, at which point it was almost 8pm. After a stop at a store, we continued down the road watching the sun go down. After a series of summits and valleys, we turned at the exit for I 70 east. After a sharp rise into the mountains and subsequent altitude drop, 70 entered the Sevier River valley through a series of small towns. We turned off at one of these towns, Richfield, to find our stop for the night: a KOA campsite!

   We had never done this before. My colleague Christine had lent us her family's tent, 2 sleeping bags, and a lantern. We did a practice tent setup in our living room a few days before just to get it right. What we should have done is turn the lights out because we ended up pitching the tent at 10:30! We'd bought a queen-sized air mattress and a pump, but had not tested them, so most of the air we'd put into it was gone quickly. It was a tough night to sleep indeed!

   I will say this, though. In all of my travels through various states, Utah remains number 2 in my list! Number 1 will come later!

End of year Boogie

   As I draw my 15th year as a teacher to a close next week, all I can say is BLAHH! I enjoy being a teacher and introducing my students to new concepts such as being quiet when I ask for it, doing homework when I assign it, and not rubbing their pencils against their desks trying to start Indian style fire pits. However, this has probably been my most trying year as a 2nd grade teacher, and teaching 2nd grade has been my greatest 5 years of my career.


 
    Oh, I've had more trying than this year! In my 3rd year of teaching, I was teaching 5th grade in a portable that had trouble remembering there was an AC unit on the roof, making us all psychotic before Halloween. My 9th year was in a 4th grade room after a stressful 2 weeks of emergency moving to a new apartment and therefore having no prep time in my new classroom at a new school. By November, I was beat and I was used to having Novembers off in a year-round school. By January it was hell and by May I was ready to quit teaching to be an accountant.


  
   Those 2 years were horrific by any means, and certainly make this year look like a 6oz filet mignon!However, even this year was a challenge by 2nd grade standards. In the past, the formula was easy. I told kids to do something, and after repeating my directions 40-50 times, they got it. This year, it took at least 100 times and that was on a good day.


   I'd love to blame the lack of attention on solar flares, the plight of the Chargers, Wayne Newton, anything external. However, the problem goes deeper than that. With a few exceptions, the parenting has really declined. Getting my kids' parents to force them do homework at gunpoint is no longer easy. Parents also seem to have a highly exaggerated sense of their children's abilities, thinking that a child in 2nd grade reading at a Kindergarten level will be Mensa next year.


   However, all will be once again coming to an end. We are getting ready to stage our annual end-of-year play. It contains a song that always brings a tear to my eye called "Things Change". That is truer this year than any before this because my own daughter is in the play. She is getting bigger all the time as well as smarter and sassier.


   After the play, its one more day then it's all over. I say goodbye to another set of kids I will see occasionally in the halls in the next few years, lucky if half of them are left by the time they reach 5th grade. For some legal reason, I have to keep my daughter.


   I do have to say that all of my 2nd graders through the years have been the best kids I have taught. During my years of teaching 5th, maybe 1 or 2 were memorable in a good way. 1st grade is a blur, though I keep in touch with one of the kids fairly regularly. 4th grade seems like a twilight zone 2-year period, though the second year wasn't too bad.


   Now what? Oh yes, another blur in the year called summer. My first real summer vacay as a teacher came in 2011 when I ended my year early to become an accountant (yeah, that would have involved more schooling, no thank you). From 2003-10, I enjoyed sporadic 3-4 week periods of break in the year-round system ( no more of that!). From 2012-16 we took a plane trip each summer. Florida, Colorado Springs, Rapid City, Tennessee, and Michigan were our respective destinations. This year, however, we decided to sacrifice pressurized air in favor of the open road for a week-long road trip in late June. After that, we have July and a week in August and then it's back to the grind.


   As we are starting early to end early, we lose 2 weeks of break. Some feel gipped by that, but I just shrug. At the 2 month mark I'm ready for action...time to rub some pencils together!
  

Jedi Grievance Meeting

   Ok, it's time to clean out the trash. There comes a time every so often when my head needs to get all the bad ideas cleared out and by golly writing them down is the best I know how to do it. So, here goes.


   If anyone has ever seen a Star Wars movie, particularly the evil prequel trilogy that is so full of CGI you have trouble believing Obi Wan is played by a real actor, you might notice the term "Republic credits" being bandied about. Now, your average Star Wars character probably has this currency in some part of their clothing. However, it is noticeable that our mighty and "pure" Jedi have these credits, too.


   Jedi? Money? Is it possible that our heroes (if you like the good guys) get paid? Qui Gonn had money to wager for Anakin's freedom and Obi Wan always seemed to have space saloon funds.


   My question is, how exactly does the pay thing work? The only way I can see it is through the eyes of a Nevada teacher. Try to imagine a meeting of Jedi, call it a grievance meeting, with the head of payroll led by Master Jedi Jamuel M. Saxon (hey I don't want to get sued here!)


Master Saxon: All right you mother&*%$ing Jedi, this meeting-
Master Note-taker, 2nd degree: Master, this is Star Wars, not Pulp Fiction
Master Saxon: Oh, right. Sorry. All right you weasly Jedi, this meeting is called to order.
Master Yoda: Mmmmmm, get this crap over with we should. Fight separatists we should, mmmmm.
Master Note-taker: Must I write every single mmmm? This transcript will be the length of War & Peace if I do.
Master Saxon: Don't mess with the Yoda. Write everything. Who's up first?
Jedi Fred: I don't know, who's up first?
Master Saxon: You f#$%in with me?
Master Notetaker: Master-
Master Saxon: Sorry, I forgot. Get on with it, Fred
Jedi Fred: That's my issue. All of us regular Jedi never get called by our title, just our first names. We're no longer padawans.
Master Yoda: A bug up your ass you have,mmmmm.
Master Saxon: You have a motion, JEDI Fred?
Jedi Fred: Yes, I move that us working stiffs get called Jedi before our official names.
Master Saxon: Noted. Do we have a second for that motion?
Jedi Sylvester: I second.
Master Saxon (waving his hand): You don't need to second, you're fine with how things are.
Jedi Sylvester: I don't need to second, I'm fine with how things are!
Jedi Fred: Hey! I saw that hand-waving bit!
Master Saxon: What? I was swatting a fly, mother fu-oops, strike that. Fine, from now on, all Jedi will be called Jedi before their names.
Master Yoda: Boring this is, mmmm.
Master Saxon: Anything else before we get to the matter of pay? No? Good. The working stiff Jedi union rep is complaining about the pay scale. He's been complaining for 14 parsecs.
Master Note-taker: Master, a parsec is a unit of distance.
Master Saxon: Yeah and he was griping for that distance on a shuttle flight! There were no Master-class seats left so I had to sit with him in coach.
Jedi Working Stiff Rep: I have legitimate issues!
Master Saxon: No longer! Master Yoda and I drafted a new contract.
Jedi Working Stiff Rep: Really? I can't wait to just sign it without getting all working stiffs' input and approval.
Master Saxon: Let me describe it anyway. This contract maps out the pay and requirements for pay raises according to Jedi development. The current pay for Master Jedi will be raised from 400 to 500 credits per month, as provided by Republic graft and bribery and Trade Federation heists. Working stiff Jedi will receive 300 credits instead of 200 per month. Your pay is guaranteed by fixed pod races on Tatooine.
Jedi Working Stiff Rep: How can we bring that up?
Master Saxon: You follow our script well. Working stiff pay can be brought up within 2 years by participating in any of the following:  lectures in broken English by Yoda, assisting in missions led by Master Jedi but not receiving the glory, being duel dummies for the younglings, trying to outdrink Master Kenobi twice a day for a month, and listening to Jedi Skywalker whine. Actually, I'll double the credit on that one because I don't want to listen to him anymore.
Jedi Fred: In addition to this so-called raise, do we get a cost-of-living increase as well?
Master Yoda: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, barrel of laughs you are!
Jedi Fred: I don't think so. On the last two missions, I had to run like a wuss because I couldn't afford new power cells for my 12-inch saber.
Master Jedi Butthead: Yeah, he said 12-inch saber!
Master Jedi Beavis: Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!
Jedi Fred: Yeah, you laugh when it goes limp....oh forget it! Speaking of which, how did these 2 become masters?
Master Saxon: Palpatine seems to like them, so you know, whatever he says goes.
Jedi Fred: So what about the cost-of-living?
Master Saxon: Comes out of your tunic.
Jedi Working Stiff Rep: Ready to sign!
Jedi Fred: Don't we get a say in this?
Jedi Working Stiff Rep: You just said something. 'Nuff said (signs document)
Master Yoda: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, adjourned this meeting is.
Jedi Fred: Now wait a minute!
Master Saxon: You read the Jedi manual, JEDI Fred?
Jedi Fred: Not regularly.
Master Saxon: There's a quote I have memorized from the Qui Gonn section: "The path of the Jedi is surrounded by the evil of the Sith. Strong with the Force is the one who in the name of the Light Side kicks the Dark Side's ass for he is truly the boss. And I will strike upon any with my lightsaber those who attempt to poison and destroy the Jedi Order. And you know my name is Qui Gonn when I lay my vengeance-er, Force upon you!"
Jedi Fred: You going to quote from Snakes on a Plane now?


I truly feel better now. I can't come up with a "Basement Generation" post every time, after all!

Ely

   There comes a time for everyone when, if on vacation, cabin fever sets in. Spring Break always sounds really great, and the first few days are mostly delightful and restful bliss. Soon after, you look around to see the family, furniture, even neighbors have grown vampire fangs the length of a Slim Jim jerky-wannabe. That's when it is time for a getaway.


   For us, the getaway was Ely, a pleasant Old West town just 300 miles from home and 60 miles from the Utah state line. The drive itself is quite pleasant although long. After leaving town on I-15 north in late morning, we took U.S. 93 north, but first grabbed a little needed Subway grub since we'd neglected breakfast (common for us on vacay). 93 goes through miles of desert valley surrounded by various mountain ranges. After a while we crossed into Lincoln County. One thing people should know about Nevada counties is that they are HUGE! As the state is so sparsely populated, there is no need for much regional government. 93 is in Lincoln County for 172 miles.


   After 38 of those miles, we stopped in Alamo for, you guessed it, a rental car! No, just a bathroom break. After Alamo and later on Ash Springs, there is a decision making point: the long way or short way to Ely, a difference of 45 miles. We chose the long way, meaning we stayed on 93, which veered east for over 40 miles before heading north through Caliente (bathroom and snack stop), Panaca, and Pioche. There is a warning in Pioche: LAST SERVICES FOR 113 MILES! They aren't kidding. While there is now more greenery among the mountain peaks and valleys, there is a definite shortage of people...and traffic. We were lucky to have the road to ourselves for the most part. The one bit of excitement was the crossing into White Pine County. 26 miles later, we hit a cool place. Well, it's cool for a road nerd like myself, anyone else is saying, "ARE WE THERE YET?!" This cool place is where 93 meets the duplex of U.S. 6 and U.S. 50, making a highway triplex for the last 26 miles to Ely. I love these shared roads because eventually they split for their own destinations.


   Ely is the place for that split. The first to abandon the trio is 6, which heads southwest toward Tonopah and eventually ending in Bishop, California. 50 and 93 share another mile before splitting. 93 heads north to cross I 80 in Wells and continue to Idaho, Montana, and the Canadian border. I want to explore 93 further one day north of Twin Falls, Idaho.


   We'd made reservations at the White Pine Motel. This means that we made sure we had a place to sleep in a pleasant yet aging motel. Nothing special, but not bad, either. Dinner was at the Silver State Restaurant across the street. Once again, not great but not bad, they just need to season the food more. After that it was time to retire for the evening. A nice end to the night was occasional snow flurries. Ely can get this all year!


   The next morning, we got up (no kidding), dressed, packed, and headed back to the restaurant for breakfast. They did slightly better at this. Afterward, we went to our reason for the trip: the Railroad Museum. This place is quite a marvel, a wonderful blend of railroad nerd artifacts and history nerd artifacts. The engine house is the jewel of the place, and anyone who is not impressed by the engine collection just has no soul. The smell of oily maintenance just adds to the charm...as well as lung gunk buildup.


   We had a special treat there. When we paid for our admission, we were asked if we wanted to be on the train to act as extras in a movie. With nothing else to do, we agreed and boarded the train. The seats were a bit cramped, but it was fun sitting there. After a little while of nothing, the crew started to get things going, and we figured out that the movie was a Bollywood production. The train got hooked up to the engine and we began heading west for 7 miles. The track runs pretty much along 50 into the canyons west of Ely. After a point near a bridge, the train went back to Ely. All along the way, we were listening to the same scene in Hindi being shot over and over again. Some of the actors were amused at the repetitiveness of it all. As for me, the thrill of a train ride and going through 2 tunnels made my day!


   After getting back to the station,  a lot of nothing happened so we got off. We could have reboarded as they were doing another run, but I was tired of the entertainment biz by then and wanted to see more of the museum. The extras had been promised lunch, but we weren't in the mood for Indian food. We checked everything in the museum out, bought some baubles, and left.


   Hungry, we went to the Jailhouse Café downtown. Nothing fancy. You walked up, ordered, paid, and waited for food and drink. Quite the amateur effort. After the lackluster lunch, we drove on U.S. 50 along where the train had run for 6 miles.


   Let me diverge a bit here for U.S. 50. It was once a transcontinental highway, running from Ocean Beach, Maryland to San Francisco. As the Interstate system grew, the new routes  and pavement negated the need for the old roads and their route numbers. 50 suffered a few casualties, the biggest one in California where it was cut back to end in West Sacramento. It also had a big route change in Utah after I 70 was completed. Instead of following 6 from Green River to Ely, it followed 70 to Salina, where it traversed north to Scipio, then west to meet 6 near Delta. 50 was also duplexed with other Interstate highways in other states and was, occasionally, poorly signed.


   U.S. 50 in Nevada is a treasure I want to explore one day. It is nicknamed "The Loneliest Road in America" in this state and rightly so. Interstate 80 made life a whole lot easier for traffic, particularly trucks, when it was completed in the 1980s, making 50 a deserted piece of pavement from Carson City to Ely. A tourism-boosting group devised a challenge for travelers to drive across Nevada on 50, with a book to be stamped in each town. There aren't many. After Carson City there is Fallon, Austin, Eureka, and finally Ely. I don't count the potion of 50 between Lake Tahoe and Carson City as it is heavily traveled and is a divided highway.


   As I wipe a wistful tear away, let's return to our trip. Returning to Ely, we refueled (interesting to note that gas stations in Ely use the 85 octane as their "regular" fuel as the area is of higher elevation), then headed to U.S. 6 west...I never go back the exact same way unless necessary. 6 ascends a summit, then heads into a desert valley. It continues this pattern of summits and valleys all the way to California, and could be considered the true loneliest road west of Lund Junction. At Lund Junction, we headed south on Nevada Route 318. This is the short route to Ely. It is more of a straight shot and goes through White Pine, Nye, and Lincoln Counties. It passes through pleasant Lund, then 90 miles later Hiko, along with beautiful mountain scenery and a few passes before rejoining with 93 just north of Ash Springs. After that it was backtracking home.


   I love 2 day jaunts like this! Truly the highlight of Spring Break!