Today I came home, had a snack, then went about doing my favorite activity in the world...napping until bedtime! No, in all seriousness, I looked up one of those many articles floating around on social media about customer service nightmares...this time regarding the customers themselves. The old adage about the customer always being right is, in reality, a load of shit. A lot of your Joe Consumers are scamming, greedy, assholes whose sole intent is getting free stuff no matter what.
So, it occurs to me that our friendly neighborhood Santa Claus, the greatest source of generosity and good humor in the world second only to Harvey Keitel, has a list of the naughty and nice experiences he's had on his one big night of sustained employment per year. As this is me, I will focus on the naughty.
Enough HO HO HOs without the HOE HOE HOEs!
Look, I may be a jolly old elf, but I'm also a guy and I do enjoy looking at a gorgeous woman now and then. Yes, my wife knows this about me. Heck, I've seen a few sights on Christmas Eve that spice my marriage up to at least April. That being said, I AM a happily married man! Every year there are at least 150 HOE HOE HOES waiting for me when I scramble out of the chimney and it's not the sack of toys they're reaching for! Ladies, please, I appreciate you wanting to warm me up, but some hot cocoa will do, thank you.
It's a Trap!
You kids want your presents? Well, you need to stop trying to imprison me. You made it on the nice list, okay? That means you were GOOD! You earned your presents. Trying to keep me longer at your house is by far the stupidest thing you try, and believe me, I have several of you in my files who have tried locking me in a cage, trapping me with your St. Bernard in his house...one of you tried rigging your couch to drop on me when I walked under it! What do you think will happen? Are you trying to get more presents in a ransom ploy? Do you just want to see me? Well, knock it off, that magical clock on Christmas Eve is NOT eternal! Besides, after all the milk and cookies I've scarfed down, you don't want to SMELL me! Speaking of which...
No Gourmet for the Good Elf!
Look, people, we've had a nice system for a few centuries now. Milk and cookies for me, some carrots for the reindeer. I'm actually pretty happy with some iced oatmeal cookies from a box. I'm pretty easy to please. That being said, STOP WITH THE FANCY GOURMET JUNK! Every year, I stop at the home of some Paula Deen or Rachael Ray that tries to slip me some carrot caramel muffins or oatmeal ganache or some carrot souffle touched with extract of dragonfruit! You have to understand, I have in my sleigh a supply of Pepto, Gas X, and other gastro shields that get me through the night, and these fancy schmancy dishes you learned from Food Network make it harder for the meds to work! Keep it simple, stupid!
Gift Lists From, er, Down Under!
I do enjoy getting your lists of things you want. Heck, I get a good laugh out of some of the challenges you set forth for the toy factory. However, I think there is a limit. Sure, we can do the video game system or the tablet and forge the company logos on them. We're tech-savvy. We are NOT in the human cloning business, though. Asking for a new daddy or a new mommy is just something we're not equipped for. We can manage something INFLATABLE, though, and I'm pretty sure mommy or daddy can make some use out of it. But let's keep the match-making to Tinder until further notice.
Home Security Blues
Umm, it's Christmas Eve. I think just this one night in the year, we can turn the laser grid off. I'm Santa Claus, not Tom Cruise's stunt double. It's hard enough to get to the tree among your other obstacles without having to become an acrobat. And when that, er, "jolly" sound comes on, I have to haul Santa Butt and get up the chimney before the alarm police (people I gave plastic badges to when they were kids and they missed the mark somewhere) make a nuisance of themselves. Trying to get up a chimney while being asked your password is a jolly pain!
About All my Street Elves ...
We need to talk about the schmucks (yes, Santa can say that) who you see at stores, malls, and on street corners. Hate to let you know this but they're not....wait, yes, of COURSE they're my people! Don't be silly. However, I have some elves who need some, well, remedial, perhaps medieval, discipline. Some are not meeting the jolly standards I expect at the North Pole. So I quality control them by making them listen to all the kids' wishes, feel the urine flow, and ring bells to get money for charity. Some have returned to me reformed and jolly. Some have remained down there for decades, even centuries. But an elf is an elf, and is always welcome home when they get their act straight....IF they get their act straight.
Mrs. Claus
Oh yes, in those letters those wonderful kids send me, about one in four asks about Mrs. Claus. Umm, exactly what do you want to know? Yes, she sews socks and underwear like Betsy Ross on crack! Yes, she cooks and force-feeds me for a month until the LDL level requires statin meds. What else do you want to know? You think we sit in rocking chairs and play bingo for the rest of the year like we're in some Sun City retirement prison? No, my wife has a few tricks that make a year fly pretty quick. See? I gain the weight in a month, lose it through, er, EXERCISE for 11 months, then repeat the cycle. You want me to paint a picture? It ain't Norman Rockwell, folks!
And Finally, The Fire Hazard!
Yes, I come down a fireplace, I magically make one just to enter when your home has none. I prefer this, actually because my creations have no flames. And then there are those of you who not only leave some embers burning, you apparently poured enough lighter fluid to attract a satellite's attention! Contrary to Tim Allen holiday fantasies, my suit is NOT the most flame retardant material in the North. Put out the fires before midnight, folks, 3rd degree burns are not the best way to celebrate Christmas Day!
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