Ok, it's time to clean out the trash. There comes a time every so often when my head needs to get all the bad ideas cleared out and by golly writing them down is the best I know how to do it. So, here goes.
If anyone has ever seen a Star Wars movie, particularly the evil prequel trilogy that is so full of CGI you have trouble believing Obi Wan is played by a real actor, you might notice the term "Republic credits" being bandied about. Now, your average Star Wars character probably has this currency in some part of their clothing. However, it is noticeable that our mighty and "pure" Jedi have these credits, too.
Jedi? Money? Is it possible that our heroes (if you like the good guys) get paid? Qui Gonn had money to wager for Anakin's freedom and Obi Wan always seemed to have space saloon funds.
My question is, how exactly does the pay thing work? The only way I can see it is through the eyes of a Nevada teacher. Try to imagine a meeting of Jedi, call it a grievance meeting, with the head of payroll led by Master Jedi Jamuel M. Saxon (hey I don't want to get sued here!)
Master Saxon: All right you mother&*%$ing Jedi, this meeting-
Master Note-taker, 2nd degree: Master, this is Star Wars, not Pulp Fiction
Master Saxon: Oh, right. Sorry. All right you weasly Jedi, this meeting is called to order.
Master Yoda: Mmmmmm, get this crap over with we should. Fight separatists we should, mmmmm.
Master Note-taker: Must I write every single mmmm? This transcript will be the length of War & Peace if I do.
Master Saxon: Don't mess with the Yoda. Write everything. Who's up first?
Jedi Fred: I don't know, who's up first?
Master Saxon: You f#$%in with me?
Master Notetaker: Master-
Master Saxon: Sorry, I forgot. Get on with it, Fred
Jedi Fred: That's my issue. All of us regular Jedi never get called by our title, just our first names. We're no longer padawans.
Master Yoda: A bug up your ass you have,mmmmm.
Master Saxon: You have a motion, JEDI Fred?
Jedi Fred: Yes, I move that us working stiffs get called Jedi before our official names.
Master Saxon: Noted. Do we have a second for that motion?
Jedi Sylvester: I second.
Master Saxon (waving his hand): You don't need to second, you're fine with how things are.
Jedi Sylvester: I don't need to second, I'm fine with how things are!
Jedi Fred: Hey! I saw that hand-waving bit!
Master Saxon: What? I was swatting a fly, mother fu-oops, strike that. Fine, from now on, all Jedi will be called Jedi before their names.
Master Yoda: Boring this is, mmmm.
Master Saxon: Anything else before we get to the matter of pay? No? Good. The working stiff Jedi union rep is complaining about the pay scale. He's been complaining for 14 parsecs.
Master Note-taker: Master, a parsec is a unit of distance.
Master Saxon: Yeah and he was griping for that distance on a shuttle flight! There were no Master-class seats left so I had to sit with him in coach.
Jedi Working Stiff Rep: I have legitimate issues!
Master Saxon: No longer! Master Yoda and I drafted a new contract.
Jedi Working Stiff Rep: Really? I can't wait to just sign it without getting all working stiffs' input and approval.
Master Saxon: Let me describe it anyway. This contract maps out the pay and requirements for pay raises according to Jedi development. The current pay for Master Jedi will be raised from 400 to 500 credits per month, as provided by Republic graft and bribery and Trade Federation heists. Working stiff Jedi will receive 300 credits instead of 200 per month. Your pay is guaranteed by fixed pod races on Tatooine.
Jedi Working Stiff Rep: How can we bring that up?
Master Saxon: You follow our script well. Working stiff pay can be brought up within 2 years by participating in any of the following: lectures in broken English by Yoda, assisting in missions led by Master Jedi but not receiving the glory, being duel dummies for the younglings, trying to outdrink Master Kenobi twice a day for a month, and listening to Jedi Skywalker whine. Actually, I'll double the credit on that one because I don't want to listen to him anymore.
Jedi Fred: In addition to this so-called raise, do we get a cost-of-living increase as well?
Master Yoda: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, barrel of laughs you are!
Jedi Fred: I don't think so. On the last two missions, I had to run like a wuss because I couldn't afford new power cells for my 12-inch saber.
Master Jedi Butthead: Yeah, he said 12-inch saber!
Master Jedi Beavis: Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!
Jedi Fred: Yeah, you laugh when it goes limp....oh forget it! Speaking of which, how did these 2 become masters?
Master Saxon: Palpatine seems to like them, so you know, whatever he says goes.
Jedi Fred: So what about the cost-of-living?
Master Saxon: Comes out of your tunic.
Jedi Working Stiff Rep: Ready to sign!
Jedi Fred: Don't we get a say in this?
Jedi Working Stiff Rep: You just said something. 'Nuff said (signs document)
Master Yoda: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, adjourned this meeting is.
Jedi Fred: Now wait a minute!
Master Saxon: You read the Jedi manual, JEDI Fred?
Jedi Fred: Not regularly.
Master Saxon: There's a quote I have memorized from the Qui Gonn section: "The path of the Jedi is surrounded by the evil of the Sith. Strong with the Force is the one who in the name of the Light Side kicks the Dark Side's ass for he is truly the boss. And I will strike upon any with my lightsaber those who attempt to poison and destroy the Jedi Order. And you know my name is Qui Gonn when I lay my vengeance-er, Force upon you!"
Jedi Fred: You going to quote from Snakes on a Plane now?
I truly feel better now. I can't come up with a "Basement Generation" post every time, after all!
No comments:
Post a Comment