Mr. Moore Mysteries

   I don't know about you, but I've come to the conclusion that the cable industry has over-expanded to the point where Raymond Burr would have looked to be in shape by comparison. There are channels and offshoots of those channels that air marathons of the same show for hours on end. My wife can channel surf at any given time and find a MASH episode on one of them. Reba and The Golden Girls are other sure-fire candidates for eternal reruns.

   I remember a day, a very magical day, in 1986. Before that magical day, we had a total of 11 channels on a system called BerksCable, which I long suspected of being operated from a tech geek's basement on Penn Avenue in Sinking Spring.To my recollection, those channels were 3 and 8(both NBC), 6 (ABC), 10 and 15 (both CBS), 12 and 44 (both PBS), 17, 29, 69,  (both independents), and USA. Also, via a bizarre device called a switcher box, we got a regional pay service called PRISM, which aired movies, Philly sports, and softcore porn (so I've heard, wink wink).

   On that magical day, a guy from the updated BerksCable, now housed in the Reading Airport's hangar, delivered a new cable box and got access to Nickelodeon, ESPN, A&E, Bravo, BET, Discovery, along with more premium channels. We soon found out, however, that there was a lot of crap on most of those channels most of the time, so we stuck to the local stuff most of the time.

   As time has gone on, more channels have entered the fray. From what I can tell, most of these new channels exist primarily to offer hours of the same show at a time. I don't know how these channels make any money, as these shows probably come with a low rental fee anyway.

   A few of these channels seem to exist to offer cable-only mystery and heartstring-pulling movies. That is to say, if you want hours of Christmas tree sap, cheeky yet cheesy mysteries, or the disease-bringing-a-torn-apart-family-together tearjerker via red onion, then the Hallmark channels are the way to go! Those mysteries, really comedies, star Candace Cameron-Bure, Lori Loughlin, Jewel, or some other TV or music has-been that thinks she can pull off amateur detective work, while maintaining a real job, with full credibility.

   Well by golly I meet the qualifications to have my own cable mystery movie! I've done some cheesy camcorder-made movies and sung badly in the car and in the shower, and I maintain a real job.

PRESENTING: THE MR. MOORE MYSTERIES, STARRING MR. MOORE HIMSELF!

Seriously, nobody can capture my humorous, fun-loving yet sociopathic personality like yours truly!

A typical entry will begin with the view of an unsuspecting victim's hairy ankle(feet have been overdone) as they move in some dark place, or perhaps the bathroom. We need to be a bit risque, so we'll need the sound of a flushing toilet while maintaining the view of the ankle. Within a minute, we'll hear a dull thud as the ankle rotates quickly to a horizontal position, along with a loud "OUCH!", because the typical death groan has been overdone. I know I know, some audiences will complain that the naked ankle needs to be covered with a sock, but this IS cable, dammit!

CUT TO:

Mr. Moore sitting at his computer desk, sipping his coffee while playing some stupid online slot or looking at Edge of Night videos, trying to decide which will wake him up quicker. Suddenly a chat window pops up on social media. It is his friend and colleague Candice, bemoaning the fact that it's Thursday and that means early staff training day. Moore curses, now fully awake, realizing he should be at work already! Candice advises him to move his ass.

As Mr. Moore dashes to the car, he realizes that his daughter is still asleep. He then realizes there was no room for her in the movie budget, so he continues on his way. As he speeds toward work, the Commissioner of Something or Other calls and says she (we try to be politically correct) has a feeling someone with hairy ankles died, but can't spare anyone to investigate.

Moore hurries into the workplace library, being given the death stare by both bosses as some teacher trying to get professional growth brownie points shows the staff how to connect dental floss to reading comprehension. Moore sits subtly in the back, daydreaming about dead hairy ankles when suddenly he has an inspriation. He dashes to the men's room, remembering he didn't go at home. While there, he sees...DEAD HAIRY ANKLES ON THE FLOOR!

DISSOLVE TO:

Mr. Moore antagonizes everyone in the library, subtly accusing each one of murdering the person with the ankles (we'll call him Mortimer) through seemingly innocent questions such as "What do you have against hairy ankles?" and "What would a woman like you be doing in the men's room? If you ARE a woman!" This part, along with being chewed out by both the bosses AND the cops for interfering in the investigation, goes through 4 commercial breaks.

Of course, we need to have a homey feeling, so Mr. Moore dashes home for a quickie lunch or a quickie with the wife. If it's lunch, it'll be a quick sandwich and rehashing of the morning's events. If it's a quickie, only ankles will be shown.

CUT TO:

Moore returns to the workplace, but no kids are seen due to the damn cable budget. Instead we see him teaching some lesson about dental floss as the boss is watching to a group of 40 ankles (obviously mannequins upon close examination). In the middle of the lesson, Moore stops midsentence, realizing in flashback that there was a thread of floss on the bathroom floor next to Mortimer! Excusing himself for a restroom break (infuriating the boss even further), he instead goes to confront the substitute custodian. There is a furious struggle as the custodian tries to kill Moore with his screwdriver. For some reason this substitute is wearing a ski mask, but hey, all cheesy mysteries have ski masks in the wardrobe budget!

Moore defends himself through witty homicidal one-liners and really bad martial arts moves learned from rice cooker instructions. Somehow, his opponent gives up, admitting he killed Mortimer because he was in line for the custodian day job and he needed the job desperately.

As the cops lead the custodian away, Mr. Moore is ready to call it a day, not remembering he still has students in the classroom. This is one angle that will make the movie series a success: Moore keeps getting fired at the end of every movie and get into a new profession in the next entry, but is satisfied he got his man (or woman if certain groups protest too much).