Teachers on Tap

   Speaking as an educator of 15 years...well, actually 19 1/2 if you count substitute teaching, which most don't rate above shrimp fryer at Long John Silver's...I've had it with the dichotomy of "we need more teachers...they're just not worth what other professions make."

   Now, I will not get up on my Zest soapbox to say "HOW DARE YOU?! DON'T YOU KNOW THAT TEACHERS GIVE CHILDREN AN EDUCATION SO THEY CAN HAVE A FUTURE?! AND BY THE WAY, I DON'T USE ZEST! I'M JUST STANDING HERE BECAUSE IT WAS THE ONLY SOAPBOX AROUND!!" I have heard it all before and nothing changes, probably never will.

   Instead, I want to present: MR. MOORE MASTERPIECE YET ABSURDIST THEATER! I will present a completely nonsensical scenario because you all know how my head works: like a Great Value trash bag, it needs to be emptied more often than the leading brand.

   Tonight's episode: Teachers on Tap

   It is present day in anywhere U.S.A. The teachers in town and the rest of America are dealing with too much stress than they can handle. Rallies for raises are failing even in unionized areas. Class sizes are increasing...not the actual classroom but the room population, with no relief in sight. Parents have been given power to sue individual teachers just for speaking firmly to their child. Even in charter schools, once considered the enemy, teachers have even less rights than in the public schools. The only schools that appear to be working are private high-tuition schools that only the richest can afford.

   Sounds realistic so far, doesn't it?

   In the summer of 2020, there is a massive gold and silver rush on the Montana-Saskatchewan border and throughout western Canada in general. Plenty of work for all as miners or even teachers of children in the new mining camps. This is even bigger than the mid 19th century rushes, and there are not enough Canadians to work and manage the mines.

   The call is made to educators in particular and there is a massive exodus of teachers from the nation's schools. Emergency Canadian citizenship is granted to the new workers. It is a new life for many. There are no longer the hassles of Common Core, large class sizes, and an ever-increasing bureaucracy determined to keep teachers "in their place". The new wealth is modest, but soon those ore strikes are bringing in new homes with real yards, and a good life. Not a rich life, but just enough to not stress over. That is not to say there is no strife. Cancer and heart disease ad bad nutrition are as rampant as ever, but overall the lives of formerly-beleaguered educators are completely turned around for the better. Being Canadian becomes great, eh?

   However, that is telling only half the story. Back in the States, there are school districts with bureaucracies that never learned to quit the power trip. As class sizes increase due to a lack of teachers, administrators have to step down to become teachers themselves, and inner school district higher-ups in the "big offices" have to step in to become principals and heaven forbid TEACHERS....it is not enough and the whole system is in chaos!

   Many schools have to turn kids away because there is no more room in the classrooms to take even half a breath. Parents are frantic because there is nobody to educate, hell just WATCH their kids while they work. Many parents are fired because they take too much time off to search for a school with breathing room or just spend the day with their kids. They look to move to Canada, but the rush is coming to a close, the fortunes have been landed, and Canada and Montana are enjoying economic circuitry like never before.

   The President (I won't assume it is the guy who rhymes with dump), after meeting with Congress in an unusual time of cooperation, decides to enact Executive Order 6666- The Teacher Draft Act. Similar to the military draft pre-1975, people over the age of 21 will get a boot camp-style teacher training in "proper" education (Common Core, low salaries, big bureaucracy,etc.) for a few weeks, then be sent ANYWHERE in the country to serve at pretty much military noncom wages.

   According to the government, the system is working. More teachers are filling classrooms, the higher-up admins return to their glory offices and glory salaries. Re-elections seem imminent. Everything is calm and settled down...and IN CONTROL...seemingly.

   The draft philosophy slowly begins to unravel when two reporters, we'll call them Woolworth and Boscov (sorry, Woodward and Bernstein threatened to sue), catch a whiff of scattered arrests of teachers involved in physical and sexual abuse of students. There is also an uprising of student AND teacher pregnancies. Seems that the emergency draft, like other hastily organized government actions, neglected to incorporate psychological exams and background checks. Mass teacher firings and arrests abound. Sure, there are those who can do the job, but they are slim in number.

   More teachers are drafted, and the cycle continues. Hastily-organized (are you shocked?) psych evals consisting of social media quizzes attempt to weed out the lowlifes, because we all know how accurate those quizzes are ("click TRY ANOTHER ANSWER if you didn't like this one") and minimal background checks occur in the form of confirming they have a social security number and a salad shooter. Still, legal problems arise. As this was a Federal solution, the government of course blames the states and school districts for the failure. All in all, the higher-up administrators return to schools and the nation's children get dumber through electronic devices and weak physical abilities. Dissolve to Canada and Montana where the formerly stressed teachers are living happy lives, and not even concerned with what is happening "down there" (so to speak).

   At the end of this episode, Mr. Moore is revealed, sitting at his computer with a cup of coffee, trying to jut out his lower lip like Rod Serling. "Ladies and gentlemen and ladies who want to be gentlemen and gentlemen who want to be ladies but still identify with really wanting to be a head of romaine lettuce, what you have just seen was a dramatization of what could happen if our political leaders state and Federal don't get their heads out of their collective hairy ankles. Next week, the life and times of funnyman Sean Penn!"