Once again, I find myself scrolling through friends' posts and coming up with an idea for a great article. It hasn't been that way for a while. In fact, I took a month off of Facebook because the political scene seemed to be taking over. Coming back, I see it has calmed down a bit. This morning I saw a post about my friend and her daughters scoping out colleges and low and behold, a pic of my alma mater Sonoma State University's sign showed up. Suddenly I was filled with memories that make me smile.
Let's go back in time, 26 years in fact (insert wavy acid-induced images as needed). I was in San Diego living with my folks, and it wasn't the easiest situation anymore. I had tried the going away to college thing at West Virginia University 2 years prior (we'd been living in PA when that began), but I wasn't ready, now I was. In fact, a year of crappy part time jobs in San Diego made me eager to start college again and my GPA rose from the WVU grave like lightning at Miramar College, a pretty decent community college then.
Community college gets one only so far, though. In the fall of 1993, my parents and I took a Labor Day weekend road trip to check out 3 colleges I had selected: Sonoma State, Chico State, and Fresno State Universities. We trekked up I 5 through the barren wastelands of the Central Valley to Stockton, then took a somewhat nicer CA 12 to Fairfield for the night.
The next morning found us in cooler temperatures, a pleasant surprise. We drove on 12 into Napa County, seeing the hilly vineyards on a cloudy day. It was quite the pleasant surprise. The weather was the same when we got into Cotati and then the Sonoma State campus. What a beautiful place! The open feel with the trees, scattered buildings, and beautiful lawns sold me immediately. Driving toward Chico, we saw more of northern California's beauty before hitting the ugliness of I 5 again. Chico itself was ok, but there was a sense of crowding that I didn't care for. Granted it was probably a Labor Day celebration, but the point was made. Coming back down on CA 99, we passed through some towns along with the bigger Sacramento before settling for the night in Modesto. We gave Fresno a glance the next day but it was more of a courtesy glance...Sonoma State had won out!
Almost a year later, my dad and I drove up to Sonoma State for an orientation. I stayed in the dorms with some other guys. Most of the dorms, especially the older ones, were named after wines. That night I stayed in the Traminer building (short for Gewurtztraminer). The next morning we ate in the Zinfandel dining hall then met with advisors of the departments we'd be majoring in. At the Liberal Studies office, I met someone who would end up becoming a great friend to this day: Kimberly Cognac. Later that day, my dad and I made our way through the Bay Area toward Monterey and the Big Sur coast, a nice scenic alternative to 5. As I would learn later, even 101 was more scenic than 5!
In terms of my time at Sonoma State, I must say it was a great place to be at that point in life. In my first year (1994-95), I was in the Sonoma complex dorms. There I met a new assortment of people, many of whom would be long-term friends: Karen Squires, Scott Catania, Calista Archuleta, and Jennifer McPhee. The first semester went well with classes and dorm life. As a bonus, Kimberly was in one of my classes. Eating at the dining hall was always a fun experience. The dorms got to be a little loud and boisterous at times, but Scott and I often took off for the movies or random drives through the boonies.
The next semester, I was allowed to take my car there. I was also experiencing my first northern California wet winter. My drive there alone (previously chronicled) was a thrill in itself. I was also interested in getting to know Kimberly better, and we did go out a few times. Sadly, my parents' divorce that semester turned my emotions inside out for a long time, and I wasn't in the right frame for a friendly relationship for a long time. On a plus note, I made another good friend in classic rock-loving Rob Lander that winter/spring. My liberal studies courses were beginning that semester and I met another friend in Sarah Scallon.
The following year (1995-96), Rob, Scott, and I were in the on-campus apartment building Merlot. We had a 4th with us, a Tourette's- stricken poor soul named Ed. I must say I did and said stuff that year directed at Ed that I am ashamed of now. I was angry about the divorce still and somehow he became my target (not without provocation, though). Down the hall were Karen and Kimberly along with their roomies Kerenza and Lori. On the food note, we became experts at shopping frugally for the week at Food 4 Less, not going over $80. My grades slipped a bit that fall, but the next semester they were brought up and I also took on a job at the Commons as a dishwasher, bringing in some extra money. Rob, Scott, and I also partook in making a movie with Rob's camcorder. That spring, Karen and Kimberly graduated.
In the summer of 1996, Scott and I got an apartment off campus. He was working at the credit union and I was on the painting crew on campus repainting the dorms. We still shopped at Food 4 Less, but with our jobs we made a bit extra to go beyond the $80 limit at times. In the fall, Rob joined us for one semester to finish out his units. Kimberly and I saw a bit of each other (she still had a class or 2 to take), but the divorce stuff was still in my system and that didn't pan out. In terms of classes, I was having a pretty good time, even taking in a tennis class for fun. The next semester, Kimberly was gone, and I was working on my last classes for graduation. I was also volunteering in an elementary school for one of the classes. I saw a bit more of Sarah that year, but nothing ever came of that.
Graduation came in May. It was a sad departure from my home of 3 years, and a little depression set in that summer. Three years later after some time as a substitute teacher, I returned to Sonoma State for three semesters in the education program. I met some new friends there, particularly Jacqueline Rolfe and Molly Roach. It was nice to be on campus again for a little while longer, though I spent more time student teaching than being on campus for the last two semesters.
A post-script: I am friends with several people from my Sonoma State era still. I was Scott's best man and he was mine at both out weddings. I still talk to Rob from time to time and still talk to Karen and Jennifer on Facebook. As for Kimberly, she and her family moved to Vegas almost two years ago, and not only has our friendship renewed, she is also buds with Vickie and Natalie, which creates a great family feeling.
Sonoma State...a great time in life!
Sunday, September 8, 2019
Saturday, July 27, 2019
The Real Prequels
I have a dream! I have a dream where our children will enjoy the prequel trilogy AS MUCH AS the original trilogy, and NOT deem it to be superior!I have a dream where the only time I hear the words "jar jar" are from a cute toddler pointing to strawberry jelly! I have a dream where CGI technology is toyed with, but ultimately goes the way of Pauly Shore's career!
Folks, sometimes it is necessary to look at something through someone else's eyes to understand just how much is really does suck. I was recently watching one of my favorite Youtube series, "Everything Wrong With", which takes popular movies and lists their "sins". In the case of the Star Wars prequel trilogy, these folks had a field day...and they were right! There were so many neat ideas alluded to in the REAL trilogy that didn't seem quite as cool when shown 20+ years later.
And why is that? Simply, way too much damn time off! After "Return of the Jedi", which wasn't exactly the gripper we thought it would be (death star 2, Ewoks, speeder chase didn't inspire so much as sell merchandise), George Lucas gave us 2 more Indiana Jones flicks ( 1 epic, 1 Kate Capshaw elongated scream, but acceptable), not to mention Howard the Duck, Labyrinth, and Radioland Murders, and the re-edited original trilogy to show off how ILM learned how to use Kid Pix and re-edit back in rejected footage.
Once he was done with that (or rather, while he was distracting his crew with that), he wrote the prequel trilogy. I am thinking he wrote it all at once during a 1 night session like cramming for the biology final...you know how that goes, confusing RNA with DNA, protozoa with amoeba, chimps with presidents...you get lost somewhere with all that work and sweat. Plus, he had forgotten that he still had a core audience who were in their 20s and 30s by then and expected the same genius.
But they didn't get genius. They got...
Midichlorians
Jar Jar
The Trade Federation (who seemed oddly Japanese in accent)
Gungans
Count Dooku
Galactic politics
General Emphysema Grievous
A shitload of bad continuity
Hayden Christensen
Bad character aging (and some lack thereof)
Qui Gon
Fake and not at all entertaining Yoda
The kids who were experiencing Star Wars for the first time thought this was it: corny characters, a shit ton of CGI, and Jar Jar. They didn't get to see the real 1977-83 movies that began it all...and set the gold standard for the series. Lucas tried to RECREATE the gold standard, which ended up being a level below bronze. He forgot some basic ideas.
Dos:
1. Obi Wan is a cool, wise warrior
2. Yoda is a funny, whimsical, yet highly wise jedi master
3. Darth Vader is a cold, calculating fearsome agent of the Empire...he doesn't whine like Dante in "Clerks"!
4. Committee meetings are kept to 2 per movie tops and BRIEF
5. Lightsaber duels have exciting BUT NOT TOO FAST ACTION (Empire set the gold standard there)
Don'ts:
1. Whining
2. Important characters coming out of nowhere with no previous mention
3. Supposedly powerful Jedi mown down too easily
4. Boring romances with too much screen time
5. Long-ass speeches putting audience members to sleep
With that, I bring you the REAL prequel saga with the original titles intact
Episode 1: A Phantom Menace
We start with a scene on Dagobah (strong with the Force) where an old Yoda-like creature who is a Jedi gets slain tragically by Darth Maul (he was totally cool so we keep him) after a fierce Force powers battle. Maul takes the Jedi's lightsaber as a trophy. He then reports this to his boss Count Dooku. Meanwhile, Jedi Knight (no padawan crap) Obi Wan Kenobi and his friend Mace Windu are putting out galactic fires on behalf of the Republic. They encounter a group of mysterious starships attacking a small group of fighters. The leader of this small group is YOUNG ADULT Anakin Skywalker who is an awesome pilot. The Jedi in this ships assist this small band in escaping, even destroying one of the starships during escape.
Obi Wan accompanies Anakin to his home planet of Tatooine, sensing his Force affinity. He also gets a load of Anakin's cantankerous moisture farmer much older brother Owen who is mad at Anakin for becoming a pilot instead of boring farming. Their mother Shmi wants her boys to be happy. One night while she is stupidly out alone at night, she is attacked by Sandpeople. Luckily, Anakin and Obi Wan rescue her, Obi Wan even gets in some lightsaber use with a fairly belligerent Tusken Raider. Anakin proves powerful in fighting a few off himself. Obi Wan convinces him that he should be a Jedi. He takes Anakin to Coruscant to meet with Yoda and ask if Anakin could be trained. Yoda gives his permission, noting how strong Anakin is with the Force.
After many training sessions at the Jedi Temple, however (with many training scenes), a wave of the mysterious starships led by Dooku appears above Coruscant, planning a siege of the entire Senate. Obi Wan, Mace Windu, and other Jedi engage these troops in an awesome blaster against lightsaber battle. Meanwhile, trainee Anakin has been assigned to protect Senators Palpatine and Padme Amidala and notices her beauty WITHOUT WHINING about being held back. Suddenly, the leader of the siege Darth Maul shows up, intending to take Padme and Palpatine prisoner. Anakin, using his freshly found Jedi powers, calls the dead Jedi's lightsaber to him and proves to be a challenge to Maul in a cool duel. However, he ends up getting a hand sliced off. Obi Wan shows up after successfully defeating the group of mysterious (hence PHANTOM) warriors and engages Maul in another duel which shows Obi Wan to be an awesome fencer. He WINS by cutting off Maul's feet. Maul suddenly vanishes and the mysterious fleet flies away in defeat. The end of the movie is a celebration of the victory, with Anakin getting a new hand. We see Palpatine is none too pleased when he looks away from the group.
Episode 2: Attack of the Clones
We open with Obi Wan and Anakin pursuing a ship from the mysterious fleet to find its source. During this pursuit, we are seeing Anakin's growing impatience and anger to take care of the bad guys, but also see fear of his mother's fate (he doesn't give a rat's ass about Owen, though). When the mystery ship docks at a city on the planet Kamino. There, they see that the pilot of the ship they were following is wearing a white outfit of armor. Not only that, they also see that others there look exactly like him! Anakin wants to attack, but Obi Wan prevents him, as it is a recon mission. However, they are noticed and taken hostage, but not before Obi Wan has alerted FUN SMILING COOL Mace Windu of their location. Windu and the Jedi clan arrive in a massive rescue of Jedi and, surprisingly, Padme Amidala who, concerned for her hero Anakin, stowed away on one of the Jedi ships.
After the rescue, Anakin feels a disturbance in the Force. He convinces Obi Wan to let him go to Tatooine to see mom. Obi Wan relents as long as Padme accompanies his student (in my version, the Jedi are NOT monks). On Tatooine, Anakin encounters toaster level 4 crusty Owen who is angry Anakin left again while mom is dying from an attack by one of the white troopers. Anakin is just in time to say goodbye as mom dies. He and Padme then travel to Mos Eisley on a clue left near the farm and finds a group of the, holy crap, CLONE TROOPERS amassed in town. All the while, he and Padme are engaged in witty dialogue written by Lawrence Kasdan, NOT George Lucas, which is indicating some deep sexual tension while keeping it PG. He lets Obi Wan know.
Obi Wan, Mace Windu, and Yoda inform Palpatine of the clone development. Palpatine pretends shock and anger and "realizes" that Count Dooku is leading this group. Obi Wan and his crew head to Tatooine where they see the ships led by Dooku. Mace Windu and other Jedi head to the planet to aid Anakin in taking out the troops while others, led by Obi Wan, steal into the head ship to deal with Dooku. Dooku is revealed to be a Sith lord and is adept with a lightsaber. While the other Jedi battle the clone troops, Obi Wan has an AWESOME duel with Dooku. Obi Wan is mildly injured when someone attacks him with a LIGHTSABER. He is revealed to be Darth Maul with new mechanical feet. Obi Wan manages to FINALLY kill him while Dooku, seeing the situation is helpless, alerts "Master" who looks remarkably like Palpatine. Dooku sets his ship to self destruct then escapes in his personal ship. Obi Wan and the gang are rescued by Mace Windu, Anakin and their successful group who wiped out the clones on the surface. At the end, we see Anakin and Padme in a not-at-all cheesy but hot embrace while we also see Palpatine seething over his defeat, but seeing his need for a new "apprentice".
Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith
We open with the Jedi raiding Kamino only to see a few remaining clones since the base was abandoned. After the last clones on the planet are eliminated, the Jedi are alerted by Senator Palpatine that Count Dooku is holding him hostage on his ship. While heading that way, Anakin is getting pretty damn frustrated over not seeing his pregnant girl Padme (not married) for a long time and is picking fights with his master Obi Wan (words, not lightsabers, not yet anyway). When they finally reach Dooku's ship, Obi Wan and Anakin fight clones in a heavy battle. Anakin senses Palpatine's presense and races to rescue him against Obi Wan's orders. Anakin and Dooku have quite the duel where Dooku tries to turn Anakin to the dark side. Anakin is getting angry and kills Dooku, pleasing the lurking Palpatine to no end. Anakin forsakes his blue lightsaber for Dooku's red one. Palpatine reveals himself to be a Sith master and starts filling Anakin's head with pretty wicked ideas as they go back to Coruscant.
Obi Wan and the crew are alerted to several clone attacks on many Republic planets. Yoda is distressed that this will make the Jedi vulnerable when spread apart but it must be done. Anakin is scaring the crap out of Padme, who does not want her child born around such anger. While Anakin is called away on business, she escapes. Anakin is increasingly under the influence of Palpatine WITHOUT ANY LONG STORIES THAT BORE US! Using a fear of losing his child, Palpatine convinces him that the Jedi are bad bad bad.
Anakin then goes on a misison with two other Jedi to Planet (put your name here) where they take on a whole troop of clones, but Anakin has been given a command to turn on his compatriots and murders them, helping the clones win. On the other planets, the clones overtake and kill the other Jedi. Obi Wan barely escapes after killing several clones, but knows he can't defeat them all after losing his buddies. Mace Windu is alerted to Palpatine's true nature by a Force disturbance and encounters him in a fierce battle of lightning vs lightsaber, during which Palpatine's kindly facade is melted away to reveal an old, evil face.. Windu is about to win when Anakin returns to his new master. His lightsaber and Palpatine's lightning are too much for Mace Windu and he dies.
In a BRIEF senate meeting, Palpatine claims rulership and ends the Republic, replacing it with the Galactic Empire. Yoda senses the remaining few Jedi have no chance and decide to hide throughout the galaxy. Yoda goes to Force-rich Dagobah, while Obi Wan decides to hide on beloved Tatooine. Before that, he visits Padme on request. On the way, his ship is damaged by angry Anakin and they botrh land on volcanic Mustafar where they engage in an EPIC and NOT TOO FAST duel of blue vs red light lightsabers. Anakin is powerful but the master Obi Wan is more powerful and knocks his now evil pupil into a hot lava pool. After a brief and not badly acted farewell, Obi Wan leaves his fallen pupil, who is rescued by Palpatine and reconstructed and supported by a heavy suit of black armor and machinery and dubbed Darth Vader.
Obi Wan visits Padme with fatherly Senator Bail Organa. She has had twins and is afraid of Anakin finding them. Obi Wan is not sure Anakin is still alive, but agrees to hide the boy Luke with Anakin's burnt toast brother Owen and his June Cleaver-like wife Beru, while Organa takes Padme and girl Leia to his home Alderaan.
The film ends with montages of the Death Star beginning construction and the new clone troopers known as stormtroopers invading planets, the mystery ships (that we know as Star Destroyers) attacking old Republic freighters....a dark end for sure, but it kind of leads to "A New Hope" better.
You see how those cinematic events glue better together? Maybe make sense? And hey, I kept in Mace Windu and Dooku. No cute creatures thrown in for kids' sake. I know I left out R2D2 and C3PO, but I suspect the original scripts from the 70s did as well, thrown in later as plot transportation specialists. You can put them in here, too.
To conclude, may the real prequel be with you!
Folks, sometimes it is necessary to look at something through someone else's eyes to understand just how much is really does suck. I was recently watching one of my favorite Youtube series, "Everything Wrong With", which takes popular movies and lists their "sins". In the case of the Star Wars prequel trilogy, these folks had a field day...and they were right! There were so many neat ideas alluded to in the REAL trilogy that didn't seem quite as cool when shown 20+ years later.
And why is that? Simply, way too much damn time off! After "Return of the Jedi", which wasn't exactly the gripper we thought it would be (death star 2, Ewoks, speeder chase didn't inspire so much as sell merchandise), George Lucas gave us 2 more Indiana Jones flicks ( 1 epic, 1 Kate Capshaw elongated scream, but acceptable), not to mention Howard the Duck, Labyrinth, and Radioland Murders, and the re-edited original trilogy to show off how ILM learned how to use Kid Pix and re-edit back in rejected footage.
Once he was done with that (or rather, while he was distracting his crew with that), he wrote the prequel trilogy. I am thinking he wrote it all at once during a 1 night session like cramming for the biology final...you know how that goes, confusing RNA with DNA, protozoa with amoeba, chimps with presidents...you get lost somewhere with all that work and sweat. Plus, he had forgotten that he still had a core audience who were in their 20s and 30s by then and expected the same genius.
But they didn't get genius. They got...
Midichlorians
Jar Jar
The Trade Federation (who seemed oddly Japanese in accent)
Gungans
Count Dooku
Galactic politics
General Emphysema Grievous
A shitload of bad continuity
Hayden Christensen
Bad character aging (and some lack thereof)
Qui Gon
Fake and not at all entertaining Yoda
The kids who were experiencing Star Wars for the first time thought this was it: corny characters, a shit ton of CGI, and Jar Jar. They didn't get to see the real 1977-83 movies that began it all...and set the gold standard for the series. Lucas tried to RECREATE the gold standard, which ended up being a level below bronze. He forgot some basic ideas.
Dos:
1. Obi Wan is a cool, wise warrior
2. Yoda is a funny, whimsical, yet highly wise jedi master
3. Darth Vader is a cold, calculating fearsome agent of the Empire...he doesn't whine like Dante in "Clerks"!
4. Committee meetings are kept to 2 per movie tops and BRIEF
5. Lightsaber duels have exciting BUT NOT TOO FAST ACTION (Empire set the gold standard there)
Don'ts:
1. Whining
2. Important characters coming out of nowhere with no previous mention
3. Supposedly powerful Jedi mown down too easily
4. Boring romances with too much screen time
5. Long-ass speeches putting audience members to sleep
With that, I bring you the REAL prequel saga with the original titles intact
Episode 1: A Phantom Menace
We start with a scene on Dagobah (strong with the Force) where an old Yoda-like creature who is a Jedi gets slain tragically by Darth Maul (he was totally cool so we keep him) after a fierce Force powers battle. Maul takes the Jedi's lightsaber as a trophy. He then reports this to his boss Count Dooku. Meanwhile, Jedi Knight (no padawan crap) Obi Wan Kenobi and his friend Mace Windu are putting out galactic fires on behalf of the Republic. They encounter a group of mysterious starships attacking a small group of fighters. The leader of this small group is YOUNG ADULT Anakin Skywalker who is an awesome pilot. The Jedi in this ships assist this small band in escaping, even destroying one of the starships during escape.
Obi Wan accompanies Anakin to his home planet of Tatooine, sensing his Force affinity. He also gets a load of Anakin's cantankerous moisture farmer much older brother Owen who is mad at Anakin for becoming a pilot instead of boring farming. Their mother Shmi wants her boys to be happy. One night while she is stupidly out alone at night, she is attacked by Sandpeople. Luckily, Anakin and Obi Wan rescue her, Obi Wan even gets in some lightsaber use with a fairly belligerent Tusken Raider. Anakin proves powerful in fighting a few off himself. Obi Wan convinces him that he should be a Jedi. He takes Anakin to Coruscant to meet with Yoda and ask if Anakin could be trained. Yoda gives his permission, noting how strong Anakin is with the Force.
After many training sessions at the Jedi Temple, however (with many training scenes), a wave of the mysterious starships led by Dooku appears above Coruscant, planning a siege of the entire Senate. Obi Wan, Mace Windu, and other Jedi engage these troops in an awesome blaster against lightsaber battle. Meanwhile, trainee Anakin has been assigned to protect Senators Palpatine and Padme Amidala and notices her beauty WITHOUT WHINING about being held back. Suddenly, the leader of the siege Darth Maul shows up, intending to take Padme and Palpatine prisoner. Anakin, using his freshly found Jedi powers, calls the dead Jedi's lightsaber to him and proves to be a challenge to Maul in a cool duel. However, he ends up getting a hand sliced off. Obi Wan shows up after successfully defeating the group of mysterious (hence PHANTOM) warriors and engages Maul in another duel which shows Obi Wan to be an awesome fencer. He WINS by cutting off Maul's feet. Maul suddenly vanishes and the mysterious fleet flies away in defeat. The end of the movie is a celebration of the victory, with Anakin getting a new hand. We see Palpatine is none too pleased when he looks away from the group.
Episode 2: Attack of the Clones
We open with Obi Wan and Anakin pursuing a ship from the mysterious fleet to find its source. During this pursuit, we are seeing Anakin's growing impatience and anger to take care of the bad guys, but also see fear of his mother's fate (he doesn't give a rat's ass about Owen, though). When the mystery ship docks at a city on the planet Kamino. There, they see that the pilot of the ship they were following is wearing a white outfit of armor. Not only that, they also see that others there look exactly like him! Anakin wants to attack, but Obi Wan prevents him, as it is a recon mission. However, they are noticed and taken hostage, but not before Obi Wan has alerted FUN SMILING COOL Mace Windu of their location. Windu and the Jedi clan arrive in a massive rescue of Jedi and, surprisingly, Padme Amidala who, concerned for her hero Anakin, stowed away on one of the Jedi ships.
After the rescue, Anakin feels a disturbance in the Force. He convinces Obi Wan to let him go to Tatooine to see mom. Obi Wan relents as long as Padme accompanies his student (in my version, the Jedi are NOT monks). On Tatooine, Anakin encounters toaster level 4 crusty Owen who is angry Anakin left again while mom is dying from an attack by one of the white troopers. Anakin is just in time to say goodbye as mom dies. He and Padme then travel to Mos Eisley on a clue left near the farm and finds a group of the, holy crap, CLONE TROOPERS amassed in town. All the while, he and Padme are engaged in witty dialogue written by Lawrence Kasdan, NOT George Lucas, which is indicating some deep sexual tension while keeping it PG. He lets Obi Wan know.
Obi Wan, Mace Windu, and Yoda inform Palpatine of the clone development. Palpatine pretends shock and anger and "realizes" that Count Dooku is leading this group. Obi Wan and his crew head to Tatooine where they see the ships led by Dooku. Mace Windu and other Jedi head to the planet to aid Anakin in taking out the troops while others, led by Obi Wan, steal into the head ship to deal with Dooku. Dooku is revealed to be a Sith lord and is adept with a lightsaber. While the other Jedi battle the clone troops, Obi Wan has an AWESOME duel with Dooku. Obi Wan is mildly injured when someone attacks him with a LIGHTSABER. He is revealed to be Darth Maul with new mechanical feet. Obi Wan manages to FINALLY kill him while Dooku, seeing the situation is helpless, alerts "Master" who looks remarkably like Palpatine. Dooku sets his ship to self destruct then escapes in his personal ship. Obi Wan and the gang are rescued by Mace Windu, Anakin and their successful group who wiped out the clones on the surface. At the end, we see Anakin and Padme in a not-at-all cheesy but hot embrace while we also see Palpatine seething over his defeat, but seeing his need for a new "apprentice".
Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith
We open with the Jedi raiding Kamino only to see a few remaining clones since the base was abandoned. After the last clones on the planet are eliminated, the Jedi are alerted by Senator Palpatine that Count Dooku is holding him hostage on his ship. While heading that way, Anakin is getting pretty damn frustrated over not seeing his pregnant girl Padme (not married) for a long time and is picking fights with his master Obi Wan (words, not lightsabers, not yet anyway). When they finally reach Dooku's ship, Obi Wan and Anakin fight clones in a heavy battle. Anakin senses Palpatine's presense and races to rescue him against Obi Wan's orders. Anakin and Dooku have quite the duel where Dooku tries to turn Anakin to the dark side. Anakin is getting angry and kills Dooku, pleasing the lurking Palpatine to no end. Anakin forsakes his blue lightsaber for Dooku's red one. Palpatine reveals himself to be a Sith master and starts filling Anakin's head with pretty wicked ideas as they go back to Coruscant.
Obi Wan and the crew are alerted to several clone attacks on many Republic planets. Yoda is distressed that this will make the Jedi vulnerable when spread apart but it must be done. Anakin is scaring the crap out of Padme, who does not want her child born around such anger. While Anakin is called away on business, she escapes. Anakin is increasingly under the influence of Palpatine WITHOUT ANY LONG STORIES THAT BORE US! Using a fear of losing his child, Palpatine convinces him that the Jedi are bad bad bad.
Anakin then goes on a misison with two other Jedi to Planet (put your name here) where they take on a whole troop of clones, but Anakin has been given a command to turn on his compatriots and murders them, helping the clones win. On the other planets, the clones overtake and kill the other Jedi. Obi Wan barely escapes after killing several clones, but knows he can't defeat them all after losing his buddies. Mace Windu is alerted to Palpatine's true nature by a Force disturbance and encounters him in a fierce battle of lightning vs lightsaber, during which Palpatine's kindly facade is melted away to reveal an old, evil face.. Windu is about to win when Anakin returns to his new master. His lightsaber and Palpatine's lightning are too much for Mace Windu and he dies.
In a BRIEF senate meeting, Palpatine claims rulership and ends the Republic, replacing it with the Galactic Empire. Yoda senses the remaining few Jedi have no chance and decide to hide throughout the galaxy. Yoda goes to Force-rich Dagobah, while Obi Wan decides to hide on beloved Tatooine. Before that, he visits Padme on request. On the way, his ship is damaged by angry Anakin and they botrh land on volcanic Mustafar where they engage in an EPIC and NOT TOO FAST duel of blue vs red light lightsabers. Anakin is powerful but the master Obi Wan is more powerful and knocks his now evil pupil into a hot lava pool. After a brief and not badly acted farewell, Obi Wan leaves his fallen pupil, who is rescued by Palpatine and reconstructed and supported by a heavy suit of black armor and machinery and dubbed Darth Vader.
Obi Wan visits Padme with fatherly Senator Bail Organa. She has had twins and is afraid of Anakin finding them. Obi Wan is not sure Anakin is still alive, but agrees to hide the boy Luke with Anakin's burnt toast brother Owen and his June Cleaver-like wife Beru, while Organa takes Padme and girl Leia to his home Alderaan.
The film ends with montages of the Death Star beginning construction and the new clone troopers known as stormtroopers invading planets, the mystery ships (that we know as Star Destroyers) attacking old Republic freighters....a dark end for sure, but it kind of leads to "A New Hope" better.
You see how those cinematic events glue better together? Maybe make sense? And hey, I kept in Mace Windu and Dooku. No cute creatures thrown in for kids' sake. I know I left out R2D2 and C3PO, but I suspect the original scripts from the 70s did as well, thrown in later as plot transportation specialists. You can put them in here, too.
To conclude, may the real prequel be with you!
Monday, July 1, 2019
Rest Stop Closed!
Lieutenant's log, Stardate 3456789. I really have no clue what the stardate is, and quite frankly I don't think the time experts do either! I am sitting in for the Captain, who has been struck with transporter sickness. That ususally doesn't happen, but hey, if you use the transporter for sexual purposes, you get what you get!
Our ship the Nebula 6 has just passed a pretty cool looking planet. Well, the planet itself is pretty boring, but it has THE most awesome set of rings I've seen in the past 3 galaxies. That's not saying much, it's been pretty boring for months. This space desert makes you feel so cold, it's got so many asteroids but it's got no soul...scratch that, that was pretty cheesy!
Our mission is to seek out new life forms, hopefully intelligent ones, with which to communicate and share technology. Space is pretty big and it gets lonely on Planet Nixon sometimes. You can only do so many talk shows and game shows and cartoons to pass the time before you get planet fever.
Status, Lt. Smith!
"We're floating in space, nothing around us life-wise...same as a day ago!"
Well, regulations say we have to do this daily when we're not being particularly productive OR destructive.
"Yeah ok, do regulations state you get to be in charge while the captain is sick as usual?"
As a matter of fact, yes. Whoever draws the longest head tentacle is in charge! That WAS on the sergeant exam when you took it...LIEUTENANT!
"Yes, sir."
That's better! Carry on! By the way, what are you carrying on with?
"Oh, some game where you break blocks with a ball and paddle. Pretty addicting."
Sounds a little too high-tech for me! Have fun with that.
"Sir! I have a life form reading on a planet not very far from here!"
Excellent, Lieutenant Yankovic!
"Sir, you can call me Al."
A little casual today, aren't we, 'Al'?
"Yes, sir."
Fine. Can you get a better reading yet?
"Not yet, we need to get closer."
Make it so...wait, that sounded dumb....just get closer, will you? Just don't make our presence too obvious, we know nothing about them and the last time we just dropped on a planet, they crapped all over themselves. Lieutenant Green, let's warp.
"Yes sir. Hyperspace or warp speed?"
Is there a difference?
"Just how the stars move past, it's all visual. No difference in speed."
You choose.
"Warp speed it is, sir! Is everyone strapped in?"
As opposed to strapped on? Yes. (ship shoots off) Whoa! Those wavy lives rock! How long?
"45 seconds, sir."
Aww, that's shorter than I expected!
"Small sun system, sir! And.....we're done!"
Excellent, let me call the captain. (hits a button). Captain! I think we finally might have found a good rest stop. We could all use a stretch, don't you think?"
(grumbling) "Who put you in charge? Wait, never mind, that stupid tenatcle regulation. How do you think I drew the SHORT tentacle to get this command?"
How are you feeling, sir?
(mocking) "How are you feeling sir? I know you're enjoying this, so enjoy it while it lasts! Let me know when we're there."
Yes sir! Lieutenant....whoever, give me a scan of this world.
"Lieutenant whoever? Look, I apologized for messing up the food computer several times!"
Tell you what, if you are ever on the toilet for 4 days without sleeping, THEN I'll remember your name. Scan!
"Yes sir...oh wow, this is a strange place."
How so?
"Several billion beings who love to fight over who to worship and kill each other over that matter."
Sounds stupid, go on.
"They have a technological entertainment system similar to ours called TV. Decent game shows, but mostly garbage called informercials."
Yuck. Go on.
"A huge amount of pollution. There are a few intelligent beings trying to push for planetary use of solar power, but too many beings in power want to squander their what appears to be few remaining natural resources."
Unbelievable!
"There are those who eat animal life, those who eat plant life, and those who eat both. Some kill animal life just for fun."
Without using them for food?
"They sell animal parts for profit."
This is too horrible to imagine!
"Sir, from what I can gather, any life forms not native to their planet would likely be destroyed by military and strange beings called 'rednecks' due to paranoia and wish for superiority. Only a few intelligent beings anticipate arrivals from those like us."
Quite sad. (hits comm button) Captain?
"Well? Can we stop there?"
Sorry sir, the rest stop is closed.
"Understood. Drive on! Hey, I once heard about a planet named Ceti Alpha 5 that's supposed to be populated. Let's see about that!"
Aye sir!
Our ship the Nebula 6 has just passed a pretty cool looking planet. Well, the planet itself is pretty boring, but it has THE most awesome set of rings I've seen in the past 3 galaxies. That's not saying much, it's been pretty boring for months. This space desert makes you feel so cold, it's got so many asteroids but it's got no soul...scratch that, that was pretty cheesy!
Our mission is to seek out new life forms, hopefully intelligent ones, with which to communicate and share technology. Space is pretty big and it gets lonely on Planet Nixon sometimes. You can only do so many talk shows and game shows and cartoons to pass the time before you get planet fever.
Status, Lt. Smith!
"We're floating in space, nothing around us life-wise...same as a day ago!"
Well, regulations say we have to do this daily when we're not being particularly productive OR destructive.
"Yeah ok, do regulations state you get to be in charge while the captain is sick as usual?"
As a matter of fact, yes. Whoever draws the longest head tentacle is in charge! That WAS on the sergeant exam when you took it...LIEUTENANT!
"Yes, sir."
That's better! Carry on! By the way, what are you carrying on with?
"Oh, some game where you break blocks with a ball and paddle. Pretty addicting."
Sounds a little too high-tech for me! Have fun with that.
"Sir! I have a life form reading on a planet not very far from here!"
Excellent, Lieutenant Yankovic!
"Sir, you can call me Al."
A little casual today, aren't we, 'Al'?
"Yes, sir."
Fine. Can you get a better reading yet?
"Not yet, we need to get closer."
Make it so...wait, that sounded dumb....just get closer, will you? Just don't make our presence too obvious, we know nothing about them and the last time we just dropped on a planet, they crapped all over themselves. Lieutenant Green, let's warp.
"Yes sir. Hyperspace or warp speed?"
Is there a difference?
"Just how the stars move past, it's all visual. No difference in speed."
You choose.
"Warp speed it is, sir! Is everyone strapped in?"
As opposed to strapped on? Yes. (ship shoots off) Whoa! Those wavy lives rock! How long?
"45 seconds, sir."
Aww, that's shorter than I expected!
"Small sun system, sir! And.....we're done!"
Excellent, let me call the captain. (hits a button). Captain! I think we finally might have found a good rest stop. We could all use a stretch, don't you think?"
(grumbling) "Who put you in charge? Wait, never mind, that stupid tenatcle regulation. How do you think I drew the SHORT tentacle to get this command?"
How are you feeling, sir?
(mocking) "How are you feeling sir? I know you're enjoying this, so enjoy it while it lasts! Let me know when we're there."
Yes sir! Lieutenant....whoever, give me a scan of this world.
"Lieutenant whoever? Look, I apologized for messing up the food computer several times!"
Tell you what, if you are ever on the toilet for 4 days without sleeping, THEN I'll remember your name. Scan!
"Yes sir...oh wow, this is a strange place."
How so?
"Several billion beings who love to fight over who to worship and kill each other over that matter."
Sounds stupid, go on.
"They have a technological entertainment system similar to ours called TV. Decent game shows, but mostly garbage called informercials."
Yuck. Go on.
"A huge amount of pollution. There are a few intelligent beings trying to push for planetary use of solar power, but too many beings in power want to squander their what appears to be few remaining natural resources."
Unbelievable!
"There are those who eat animal life, those who eat plant life, and those who eat both. Some kill animal life just for fun."
Without using them for food?
"They sell animal parts for profit."
This is too horrible to imagine!
"Sir, from what I can gather, any life forms not native to their planet would likely be destroyed by military and strange beings called 'rednecks' due to paranoia and wish for superiority. Only a few intelligent beings anticipate arrivals from those like us."
Quite sad. (hits comm button) Captain?
"Well? Can we stop there?"
Sorry sir, the rest stop is closed.
"Understood. Drive on! Hey, I once heard about a planet named Ceti Alpha 5 that's supposed to be populated. Let's see about that!"
Aye sir!
Friday, June 28, 2019
The Price is Moot!
"Some jerk named Earl, come on down! Some overly bubbly college student on crack named Mandy, come on down! Some old person named Jake, come on down! And one of the creeps who got here at 5:30 a.m. just to be first in line named Vince, come on down! These are the four schmucks to play on The Price is Random!! And here is your magnanimous emcee, Dr. Delighted!!"
Welcome to another episode of The Price is Random! Once again, I have an opportunity to pay down my debts by using my annoying public persona to personal advantage. Right now, while my models try to finagle a million bucks by posing nude online, let's meet our 4 contestants. Whoa! What hole in hell did you 4 crawl out of? Sheesh, I really need to stop drinking my breakfast, you're a shock for bloodshot eyes! All right Earl, where are you from?
Earl: Do you care?
Not really, and you really know how to establsih a relationship, don't you? And how about you, Mandy?
Mandy: Oh wow! I want to win! WIN WIN WIN!!
I meant where are you from?
Mandy: I am from MY MOTHER, YEAH!!!!!!
I bet she's wishing you took out student loans to owe for life! And Jake, how are you today?
Jake: What?
Glad to hear! And Vince, maybe I should have shared my breakfast with you, guy, you look starved!
Jake: I'm totally cool, dude! Ready to spin that wheel!
I think it's still at the shop, Verna the 100 year old yesterday almost ripped it off its axle. She was a little high on the Metamucil and prune juice! All right, here is our overly skinny blonde model Chelsea with the first item to make a random price guess on.
"It's a can opener! Not electric, you actually have to use a little hand muscle to work this one! Anyone with a knowledge of simple machines can figure it out!"
All right, thank you, mysterious announcer! Earl, how much do you think that costs?
Earl: $400
Dude, you ever been to Dollar Tree? Mandy?
Mandy: Umm, I think it's....$402!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!
Mandy, who exactly are you shouting at every time you're asked to speak?
Mandy: My sorority sisters, baby!!!!!!!
Coooooool.....NOT! And Jake, how much would you pay?
Jake: What?
HOW MUCH WOULD YOU PAY?!
Jake: Oh, for what?
Yeah, we'll put you at $405 And Vince?
Vince: Oh wow....I think I'll bid $399
Interesting move. We don't do overbid do-overs here, they're stupid. The real price for the can opener is...$3.99, VINCE WON!!! Come on up, buddy! So you stood first in line for how long?
Vince: Like 4 hours!
Oh man, just to get on this Game Show Channel ripoff! You have guts, man! All right, Chelsea is coming back on the stage showing off a recently expanded rack and reduced can in that red bikini. Between you and me, Vince, from the hits she already has on Pornhub, there was nothing that needed fixing!
All right, Chelsea has set up the mud game! Above you is a cauldron of boiling mud. Over here is a new car. Actually, it's a used piece of crap from the Compton Car Max. All you need to do is take a stab at how much it's selling for. If you're within a $2,000 range of the price you get the car, the money representing the cost which you'll use to pay the taxes. If you're way above or way below, the mud will spill onto you, causing severe burns and possibly death.
Vince: Isn't that illegal?
You signed a waiver, my good man. OK, because I like you and you've answered my questions somewhat intelligently, I will give you 3 shots at this. Go!
Vince: Er, um, $3,200!
Wrong!
Vince: Ouch! What was that?"
Just a small drop of mud on your shoulder. Better get this right soon!
Vince: Oh crap! Hmm...I'l say $5,000!
Oh no! Feel that on your shoe?
Vince: Damn, man! Those were new Adidas! I'll say....$1,500!
YES!!! The actual price was $945! You get that and the car! Wait a minute....I just heard the wheel is back in action. See you in a bit. Try to eat something from the snack bar if you can, you look emaciated!
"You want me to announce the next contestant?"
NO! I think these 3 are all I can handle with a fake smile. Give us the next item!
"Next up is a blender! Yes, this is one you have to plug in! You can mix, blend, whip, crush ice, whatever the hell you want to do if you can read buttons! Furnished by Salvation Army!"
I love these high end items. Earl, what do you say?
Earl: I'd say $43!
I swear nobody listens here. Mandy?
Mandy: $44, YEAH BABY!!!!!
I've heard Chelsea say that in reverse cowgirl position! And Jake? JAKE!
Jake: I heard you, you loudmouthed weasel! $5500!
That'll be a long bus ride home! Actual price....$5.50! Earl, you won! Come on up!
Earl: Thanks. Where's that hot momma Chelsea?
She went backstage to get away from you drooling. Thanks a lot, man! So now we have our older heavier model who works at Steve's Coffee Shop at night. And here she is, already dressed in her turquoise uniform already. Meet Louise!
Earl: Damn!
You look once, Earl, just once and commit the bodies to memory. Your fault, man. All right, step over to this red circle and step right inside it. Almost like it was a trap, right?
Earl: My feet are stuck!
Small coincidence. As you see over there, Louise is modeling, to put it nicely, a pool table without much felt left on it. Therefore, it is heavily discounted. Since you've been pretty surly toward me, I am giving you one shot here. All you have to do is give me any price that is below what we bought it for. If you get it right, you get the table and a chance at the wheel. If not, you drop through the floor, down a long chute that leads to one of three locations: the studio dumpster, the Denny's parking lot, or the set of "The View" in the studio next door.
Earl: Oh crap....wow...that table can't be worth more than....oh wait...
SAY IT ALREADY!!!
Earl: $250?
Oh no, Earl! We paid a measly $45 just to get it out of some dead guy's home during an estate sale. Bye bye now! Whoa, I wonder where he went? Ah, I hear Joy Behar shouting. Best of luck to Earl there.
All right, I'm holding here a clock, an analog clock. All Mandy and Jake have to do is give me the right time. Mandy?
Mandy: Oh wow, WHAT IS THAT THING???
I just told you, you twit!
Mandy: I wasn't listening, could you say it again?
It again. Jake, WHAT TIME IS IT ON THE CLOCK?
Jake: 6:17! I'm good now, my hearing aid was off.
Way to go, Jake! We don't have time for another elimination game, so come join Vince at the wheel. The object here is to land on a number, any number. No second spin. Vince, go.....and it lands on......7! Jake, spin........you got 8! You won!
Jake: What did I win?
You won Chelsea for the night, the pool table, and no taxes on any of them! And goodbye to our audience. Remember, keep your pets in your own damn yard so they don't get run over! Til next time!
Welcome to another episode of The Price is Random! Once again, I have an opportunity to pay down my debts by using my annoying public persona to personal advantage. Right now, while my models try to finagle a million bucks by posing nude online, let's meet our 4 contestants. Whoa! What hole in hell did you 4 crawl out of? Sheesh, I really need to stop drinking my breakfast, you're a shock for bloodshot eyes! All right Earl, where are you from?
Earl: Do you care?
Not really, and you really know how to establsih a relationship, don't you? And how about you, Mandy?
Mandy: Oh wow! I want to win! WIN WIN WIN!!
I meant where are you from?
Mandy: I am from MY MOTHER, YEAH!!!!!!
I bet she's wishing you took out student loans to owe for life! And Jake, how are you today?
Jake: What?
Glad to hear! And Vince, maybe I should have shared my breakfast with you, guy, you look starved!
Jake: I'm totally cool, dude! Ready to spin that wheel!
I think it's still at the shop, Verna the 100 year old yesterday almost ripped it off its axle. She was a little high on the Metamucil and prune juice! All right, here is our overly skinny blonde model Chelsea with the first item to make a random price guess on.
"It's a can opener! Not electric, you actually have to use a little hand muscle to work this one! Anyone with a knowledge of simple machines can figure it out!"
All right, thank you, mysterious announcer! Earl, how much do you think that costs?
Earl: $400
Dude, you ever been to Dollar Tree? Mandy?
Mandy: Umm, I think it's....$402!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!
Mandy, who exactly are you shouting at every time you're asked to speak?
Mandy: My sorority sisters, baby!!!!!!!
Coooooool.....NOT! And Jake, how much would you pay?
Jake: What?
HOW MUCH WOULD YOU PAY?!
Jake: Oh, for what?
Yeah, we'll put you at $405 And Vince?
Vince: Oh wow....I think I'll bid $399
Interesting move. We don't do overbid do-overs here, they're stupid. The real price for the can opener is...$3.99, VINCE WON!!! Come on up, buddy! So you stood first in line for how long?
Vince: Like 4 hours!
Oh man, just to get on this Game Show Channel ripoff! You have guts, man! All right, Chelsea is coming back on the stage showing off a recently expanded rack and reduced can in that red bikini. Between you and me, Vince, from the hits she already has on Pornhub, there was nothing that needed fixing!
All right, Chelsea has set up the mud game! Above you is a cauldron of boiling mud. Over here is a new car. Actually, it's a used piece of crap from the Compton Car Max. All you need to do is take a stab at how much it's selling for. If you're within a $2,000 range of the price you get the car, the money representing the cost which you'll use to pay the taxes. If you're way above or way below, the mud will spill onto you, causing severe burns and possibly death.
Vince: Isn't that illegal?
You signed a waiver, my good man. OK, because I like you and you've answered my questions somewhat intelligently, I will give you 3 shots at this. Go!
Vince: Er, um, $3,200!
Wrong!
Vince: Ouch! What was that?"
Just a small drop of mud on your shoulder. Better get this right soon!
Vince: Oh crap! Hmm...I'l say $5,000!
Oh no! Feel that on your shoe?
Vince: Damn, man! Those were new Adidas! I'll say....$1,500!
YES!!! The actual price was $945! You get that and the car! Wait a minute....I just heard the wheel is back in action. See you in a bit. Try to eat something from the snack bar if you can, you look emaciated!
"You want me to announce the next contestant?"
NO! I think these 3 are all I can handle with a fake smile. Give us the next item!
"Next up is a blender! Yes, this is one you have to plug in! You can mix, blend, whip, crush ice, whatever the hell you want to do if you can read buttons! Furnished by Salvation Army!"
I love these high end items. Earl, what do you say?
Earl: I'd say $43!
I swear nobody listens here. Mandy?
Mandy: $44, YEAH BABY!!!!!
I've heard Chelsea say that in reverse cowgirl position! And Jake? JAKE!
Jake: I heard you, you loudmouthed weasel! $5500!
That'll be a long bus ride home! Actual price....$5.50! Earl, you won! Come on up!
Earl: Thanks. Where's that hot momma Chelsea?
She went backstage to get away from you drooling. Thanks a lot, man! So now we have our older heavier model who works at Steve's Coffee Shop at night. And here she is, already dressed in her turquoise uniform already. Meet Louise!
Earl: Damn!
You look once, Earl, just once and commit the bodies to memory. Your fault, man. All right, step over to this red circle and step right inside it. Almost like it was a trap, right?
Earl: My feet are stuck!
Small coincidence. As you see over there, Louise is modeling, to put it nicely, a pool table without much felt left on it. Therefore, it is heavily discounted. Since you've been pretty surly toward me, I am giving you one shot here. All you have to do is give me any price that is below what we bought it for. If you get it right, you get the table and a chance at the wheel. If not, you drop through the floor, down a long chute that leads to one of three locations: the studio dumpster, the Denny's parking lot, or the set of "The View" in the studio next door.
Earl: Oh crap....wow...that table can't be worth more than....oh wait...
SAY IT ALREADY!!!
Earl: $250?
Oh no, Earl! We paid a measly $45 just to get it out of some dead guy's home during an estate sale. Bye bye now! Whoa, I wonder where he went? Ah, I hear Joy Behar shouting. Best of luck to Earl there.
All right, I'm holding here a clock, an analog clock. All Mandy and Jake have to do is give me the right time. Mandy?
Mandy: Oh wow, WHAT IS THAT THING???
I just told you, you twit!
Mandy: I wasn't listening, could you say it again?
It again. Jake, WHAT TIME IS IT ON THE CLOCK?
Jake: 6:17! I'm good now, my hearing aid was off.
Way to go, Jake! We don't have time for another elimination game, so come join Vince at the wheel. The object here is to land on a number, any number. No second spin. Vince, go.....and it lands on......7! Jake, spin........you got 8! You won!
Jake: What did I win?
You won Chelsea for the night, the pool table, and no taxes on any of them! And goodbye to our audience. Remember, keep your pets in your own damn yard so they don't get run over! Til next time!
Tuesday, June 11, 2019
Come on down....I mean it!
"Ladies and pretend ladies and gentlemen and assholes and anyone else who is tuning into us for some reason, it is time for America's least favorite game show. That's right, your remote battery just died, so you are now stuck watching...
SERIOUS AND HONEST TRIVIA. And here is your host... DR DELIGHTED!"
Thank you! And thank you to my agent who got me this gig to help me pay off my student loans in just 25 years instead of 55. And now it's time to play our game. Sitting in contestant row, we have 3 souls who think they know what's what. I am about to show them what is what.
First up is Doug, a surfer who lives in Omaha. Next is-
Doug: Aeren't you going to ask me about myself?
No.I already gave enough info. In all honesty I don't care, the audience doesn't care, and the morons who didn't change the remote batteries really don't give a flying crap, especially since we won't see you on the next episode...IF there is a next episode. Now, if I may continue, next is Hillary, a corn farmer from Yuma. Finally, we have Chuck, a former stock analyst teaching drama at some community college nobody has ever heard of.
The rules are this: I ask a question, you buzz in by trying to press a really light-triggered button first and answer correctly. If you answer correctly, you will win some money. If you answer incorrectly, a trap door will open under you and you will be escorted by top-notch trigger-happy former mall cops to the parking garage.
Chuck: What happens if we don't buzz in on time?
Then nothing, you'll have to wait for the next question, you moron. Granted, I did try for electric current under your seats to teach you to buzz in faster, but you know those legal teams, always killing the fun.
Hillary: How much money do we win for answering right?
Answering CORRECTLY! You will get more than you deserve, which is $500 for each question. At the end of the game whoever is left wins. After you win, there is the usual bonus round where yoiu have a chance to win $6,437.54.
Hillary: Why such a strange amount?
It is not a strange amount, it is an HONEST amount, meaning it is what is left after we cut out what the state and federal tax agencies demand. Before we start, let's have some dog food commercials as they were the only ones who would sponsor this farce.
While those imaginary ads play, I have to say, I used to be a fan of game shows. The contestants were fairly intelligent, especially when it came to quizzes like Tic Tac Dough and Jeopardy. Celebrity game shows were good but only because we wanted to listen to how funny the stars were after the Wednesday taping recess when everyone got hammered.
Now we have idiots. Many of these idiots can be found on GSN-produced shows, where the prize is thankfully not above what they deserve, usually $15,000 tops. We have of course always had morons on Wheel of Fortune who don't want to challenge themselves beyond basic letter knowledge.
I think we can finally put Family Feud to rest. The whole object now is to make Steve Harvey make his classic faux-shocked face. It is beyond corny, it is completely stupid. Female-pawing and kissing Richard Dawson is rolling in his grave I am sure! OK, the dogs are fed their Alpo, let us return to the good doctor!
All right, let's do this. Your first question is, Who played Gerard in "The Fugitive"?
Doug buzzes in: Will Ferrell?
No! Goodbye! (Doug drops away) Anyone else? No? I would have accepted Barry Morse for the original TV version, Tommy Lee Jones for the movie, or Mykelti Williamson for the pathetic TV remake in 2000. Wow, this will be a faster game than I imagined!
All right, which letter in our alphabet has a Greek equivalent as Alpha?
Hillary buzzes in: A?
Yes! Would you like to get an additonal $500 to name our equivalent for Beta?
Hillary: Do I have to buzz in?
No, this is a freebie, practically given on a platter.
Hillary: Um, D?
No, it is Beta.
Hillary (looking down): I'm not dropping?
Unfortunately not, since you didn't have to buzz in for it. All right, here we go. What is the name for an answer in a subtraction equation?
Chuck buzzes in: Sum.
No and goodbye to you! (Chuck drops down). That was "some" kind of dumb, the answer was difference! All right, Hillary! You have won $500, which is below the revenue agency radar, so it is yours to keep. However, you now have a chance to win $6,437.54, bringing your total to $6,937.54. Yes, I can do head math without the help of an announcer.
Hillary: Ooh, what's the bonus round about?
Ooh, nothing to ooh about. I give you a multiple choice question while the studio lights change to a red hue to make it look and seem more dramatic. Some light drums making my hangover worse somehow adds to it according to the producer. Are you ready?
Hillary: Uh huh.
High schools, you need to stress public speaking more. Just 15 seconds, here we go! Which one of these was not one of the Musketeers?
a. D'Artagnan
b. Athos
c. Star Lord
Hillary: Oh geez...golly...ohhhhh....ummm.....I'll pick a.
You should have picked your nose, you would have gotten more gold. No, it was c. Well, you won $500. That should pay for a Burger King combo and gas back to Yuma, then take your friends for a celebratory hammering for winning what might be one of the lowest amounts in game show history. Good night, everyone!
SERIOUS AND HONEST TRIVIA. And here is your host... DR DELIGHTED!"
Thank you! And thank you to my agent who got me this gig to help me pay off my student loans in just 25 years instead of 55. And now it's time to play our game. Sitting in contestant row, we have 3 souls who think they know what's what. I am about to show them what is what.
First up is Doug, a surfer who lives in Omaha. Next is-
Doug: Aeren't you going to ask me about myself?
No.I already gave enough info. In all honesty I don't care, the audience doesn't care, and the morons who didn't change the remote batteries really don't give a flying crap, especially since we won't see you on the next episode...IF there is a next episode. Now, if I may continue, next is Hillary, a corn farmer from Yuma. Finally, we have Chuck, a former stock analyst teaching drama at some community college nobody has ever heard of.
The rules are this: I ask a question, you buzz in by trying to press a really light-triggered button first and answer correctly. If you answer correctly, you will win some money. If you answer incorrectly, a trap door will open under you and you will be escorted by top-notch trigger-happy former mall cops to the parking garage.
Chuck: What happens if we don't buzz in on time?
Then nothing, you'll have to wait for the next question, you moron. Granted, I did try for electric current under your seats to teach you to buzz in faster, but you know those legal teams, always killing the fun.
Hillary: How much money do we win for answering right?
Answering CORRECTLY! You will get more than you deserve, which is $500 for each question. At the end of the game whoever is left wins. After you win, there is the usual bonus round where yoiu have a chance to win $6,437.54.
Hillary: Why such a strange amount?
It is not a strange amount, it is an HONEST amount, meaning it is what is left after we cut out what the state and federal tax agencies demand. Before we start, let's have some dog food commercials as they were the only ones who would sponsor this farce.
While those imaginary ads play, I have to say, I used to be a fan of game shows. The contestants were fairly intelligent, especially when it came to quizzes like Tic Tac Dough and Jeopardy. Celebrity game shows were good but only because we wanted to listen to how funny the stars were after the Wednesday taping recess when everyone got hammered.
Now we have idiots. Many of these idiots can be found on GSN-produced shows, where the prize is thankfully not above what they deserve, usually $15,000 tops. We have of course always had morons on Wheel of Fortune who don't want to challenge themselves beyond basic letter knowledge.
I think we can finally put Family Feud to rest. The whole object now is to make Steve Harvey make his classic faux-shocked face. It is beyond corny, it is completely stupid. Female-pawing and kissing Richard Dawson is rolling in his grave I am sure! OK, the dogs are fed their Alpo, let us return to the good doctor!
All right, let's do this. Your first question is, Who played Gerard in "The Fugitive"?
Doug buzzes in: Will Ferrell?
No! Goodbye! (Doug drops away) Anyone else? No? I would have accepted Barry Morse for the original TV version, Tommy Lee Jones for the movie, or Mykelti Williamson for the pathetic TV remake in 2000. Wow, this will be a faster game than I imagined!
All right, which letter in our alphabet has a Greek equivalent as Alpha?
Hillary buzzes in: A?
Yes! Would you like to get an additonal $500 to name our equivalent for Beta?
Hillary: Do I have to buzz in?
No, this is a freebie, practically given on a platter.
Hillary: Um, D?
No, it is Beta.
Hillary (looking down): I'm not dropping?
Unfortunately not, since you didn't have to buzz in for it. All right, here we go. What is the name for an answer in a subtraction equation?
Chuck buzzes in: Sum.
No and goodbye to you! (Chuck drops down). That was "some" kind of dumb, the answer was difference! All right, Hillary! You have won $500, which is below the revenue agency radar, so it is yours to keep. However, you now have a chance to win $6,437.54, bringing your total to $6,937.54. Yes, I can do head math without the help of an announcer.
Hillary: Ooh, what's the bonus round about?
Ooh, nothing to ooh about. I give you a multiple choice question while the studio lights change to a red hue to make it look and seem more dramatic. Some light drums making my hangover worse somehow adds to it according to the producer. Are you ready?
Hillary: Uh huh.
High schools, you need to stress public speaking more. Just 15 seconds, here we go! Which one of these was not one of the Musketeers?
a. D'Artagnan
b. Athos
c. Star Lord
Hillary: Oh geez...golly...ohhhhh....ummm.....I'll pick a.
You should have picked your nose, you would have gotten more gold. No, it was c. Well, you won $500. That should pay for a Burger King combo and gas back to Yuma, then take your friends for a celebratory hammering for winning what might be one of the lowest amounts in game show history. Good night, everyone!
Monday, May 27, 2019
It's a Bird, It's....nah, Just Richard Pryor!
There are times when you just scratch your head wondering what the hell happened. This usually happens when I try cooking something way above my skill level and the entire fire department arrives, or I try driving what I see as a shortcut only to find I added 50 miles and two hours to the trip. In the case of movies, I feel this about Superman 3.
When you start with a spectacular film about one of the greatest DC superheroes, then have an even more awesome sequel that spawned an alternate (actually ORIGINAL) version 25 years later, you'd think that the third one would be just as, if not more, AWESOME!
Don't get me wrong, there are some great elements in Superman 3. Specifically, Christopher Reeve himself was the jewel as he got to play a good AND bad Superman. The battle between the 2 in a junkyard is spectacular. Add to that a revisit to Clark's high school and a reunion with his first crush Lana Lang is a refreshing change from the Lois Lane story, which had run its course by the end of 2. So...what the hell happened?
The culprit is Richard Pryor, who makes the whole movie his. And don't mistake me for disliking him, for Pryor was a gifted performer who made a lot of funny and a couple of dramatic films as well, I admire the man. That being said, this was not one of his highlights.
I can't blame it all on Pryor, however. The backstory of the film had a totally different villain making it more sci fi than action, along with more Kryptonian family revealed. That apparently fell through. Then there is the director Richard Lester who brought us Beatles and Musketeers movies in the 60s and 70s. He has turned the Superman franchise into a bit of slapstick comedy. The opening foretells this.
The first 2 films had grand openings with John Williams music playing over cast and credits. This movie begins with Pryor's character Gus Gorman being rejected at the unemployment office, followed by a lot of Murphy's Law street scenes of Metropolis as the credits roll upward. The music is also quite uninspired here and way too lighthearted for a movie's beginning.
We then see Gorman learning computers at his new job and geing quite talented at 80s-style coding. He is disgruntled at his paycheck deductions and uses his coding skills to get himself a bigger paycheck (a plot tool used later in "Office Space"). The boss Ross Webster discovers this through Gus's extravagant showing off of his wealth. Webster blackmails him into using the computer skills for Webster's own gain, such as ruining Colombia's coffee crop (which Superman thwarts)and the world's oil supply.
Meanwhile, Clark Kent goes to his high school reunion with Jimmy Olsen via bus. Clark sees what a dull bastard Jimmy is and creates a chemical plant fire to main Jimmy...just kidding, there is a chemical plant fire where Jimmy is hurt while taking pictures. Clark then goes on to his reunion and sees that a lot of people never change....which reflects real life quite well. He does, however, have a warm reunion with Lana Lang, one of those girls who realizes what she could have had if she didn't conform to social norms of the 60s....if she only knew!
Ross Webster is furious at his Colombia failure and has Gus create Kryptonite to kill Superman. However, Gus realizes there is an unknown element and puts tar in it. When Superman is presented with it during a civic welcoming ceremony, he soon becomes not dead but rather selfish, and soon embarks on destructive activities, even helping Webster by sabotaging an oil tanker.
Superman is also feeling guilty and self-loathing at this point, and after getting drunk and hearing a rah rah speech from Lana Lang's kid, his soul breaks him in 2, the good Clark and the evil Superman, and a great fight ensues in a junkyard. While evil Superman seems to dominate the fight, Clark keeps getting up for more. This angers and fatigues the bad Superman and at the end Clark strangles him easily, making him disappear. The real Superman is back and goes about undoing his oil damage.
He is then lured to the Grand Canyon where Webster has built Gus's mega-computer in a cave. Gus, Ross, his sister Vera, and girlfriend Lorelei are already there and firing missiles at Superman, one of which knocks him out for a bit. When he enters the cave, Vera fires real Kryptonite rays at him (how they got it right is not explained). Gus realizes how wrong this has become and starts damaging his own computer. However, the computer has taken on a life of its own and turns on its operators, gathering power forn the nation to feed itself. Superman grabs some acid (no you stoner, I mean from the rescued chemical plant!) and uses it to Trojan Horse the computer, destroying it and causing much damage that we can't quite figure out why the Department of the Interior doesn't get pissed.
From there, Superman spares Gus from the authorities since Gus tried to save him while Ross and his ladies are assumedly taken to justice. He then goes to see (as Clark) Lana and her son, recently transplanted to Metropolis and they share a moment as he replaces her diamind ring she had to pawn to pay bills (aww). At the end, she is Perry White's new secretary.
Now, I know I oversimplified the story, ignoring a lot of little stuff, but the little stuff didn't help. Lois Lane has maybe 5 minutes of screen time and the Daily Planet itself is like scenes at MI6 in James Bond films only less classy. Way too many Richard Pryor moments of frightened vocal sounds ("In Living Color" had a great sketch of this mannerism in its first season) make you think you're watching deleted scenes from "Stir Crazy". There are some "tender" scenes with Lana Lang and her son. Nothing wrong with those, since Annette O'Toole was well-cast. Another element is Brad, the high school football player whose glory days have been replaced with booze and he can't udnerstand why Lana wants no part of him but prefers "nice" Clark.
I actually do like this movie. If you watch a syndicated version, the opening credits are right at the start and show space and play the real Superman theme, while Gus's unemployment office scene and the street comedy come after (if you cut the street scenes, the movie gels a bit better). The theme about technology taking over (mirrored in the same year's "Wargames") is just as prevalent today. The comedy (or rather ATTEMPTED comedy) was what tore the film apart at times.
Next up: another Bond flick.
When you start with a spectacular film about one of the greatest DC superheroes, then have an even more awesome sequel that spawned an alternate (actually ORIGINAL) version 25 years later, you'd think that the third one would be just as, if not more, AWESOME!
Don't get me wrong, there are some great elements in Superman 3. Specifically, Christopher Reeve himself was the jewel as he got to play a good AND bad Superman. The battle between the 2 in a junkyard is spectacular. Add to that a revisit to Clark's high school and a reunion with his first crush Lana Lang is a refreshing change from the Lois Lane story, which had run its course by the end of 2. So...what the hell happened?
The culprit is Richard Pryor, who makes the whole movie his. And don't mistake me for disliking him, for Pryor was a gifted performer who made a lot of funny and a couple of dramatic films as well, I admire the man. That being said, this was not one of his highlights.
I can't blame it all on Pryor, however. The backstory of the film had a totally different villain making it more sci fi than action, along with more Kryptonian family revealed. That apparently fell through. Then there is the director Richard Lester who brought us Beatles and Musketeers movies in the 60s and 70s. He has turned the Superman franchise into a bit of slapstick comedy. The opening foretells this.
The first 2 films had grand openings with John Williams music playing over cast and credits. This movie begins with Pryor's character Gus Gorman being rejected at the unemployment office, followed by a lot of Murphy's Law street scenes of Metropolis as the credits roll upward. The music is also quite uninspired here and way too lighthearted for a movie's beginning.
We then see Gorman learning computers at his new job and geing quite talented at 80s-style coding. He is disgruntled at his paycheck deductions and uses his coding skills to get himself a bigger paycheck (a plot tool used later in "Office Space"). The boss Ross Webster discovers this through Gus's extravagant showing off of his wealth. Webster blackmails him into using the computer skills for Webster's own gain, such as ruining Colombia's coffee crop (which Superman thwarts)and the world's oil supply.
Meanwhile, Clark Kent goes to his high school reunion with Jimmy Olsen via bus. Clark sees what a dull bastard Jimmy is and creates a chemical plant fire to main Jimmy...just kidding, there is a chemical plant fire where Jimmy is hurt while taking pictures. Clark then goes on to his reunion and sees that a lot of people never change....which reflects real life quite well. He does, however, have a warm reunion with Lana Lang, one of those girls who realizes what she could have had if she didn't conform to social norms of the 60s....if she only knew!
Ross Webster is furious at his Colombia failure and has Gus create Kryptonite to kill Superman. However, Gus realizes there is an unknown element and puts tar in it. When Superman is presented with it during a civic welcoming ceremony, he soon becomes not dead but rather selfish, and soon embarks on destructive activities, even helping Webster by sabotaging an oil tanker.
Superman is also feeling guilty and self-loathing at this point, and after getting drunk and hearing a rah rah speech from Lana Lang's kid, his soul breaks him in 2, the good Clark and the evil Superman, and a great fight ensues in a junkyard. While evil Superman seems to dominate the fight, Clark keeps getting up for more. This angers and fatigues the bad Superman and at the end Clark strangles him easily, making him disappear. The real Superman is back and goes about undoing his oil damage.
He is then lured to the Grand Canyon where Webster has built Gus's mega-computer in a cave. Gus, Ross, his sister Vera, and girlfriend Lorelei are already there and firing missiles at Superman, one of which knocks him out for a bit. When he enters the cave, Vera fires real Kryptonite rays at him (how they got it right is not explained). Gus realizes how wrong this has become and starts damaging his own computer. However, the computer has taken on a life of its own and turns on its operators, gathering power forn the nation to feed itself. Superman grabs some acid (no you stoner, I mean from the rescued chemical plant!) and uses it to Trojan Horse the computer, destroying it and causing much damage that we can't quite figure out why the Department of the Interior doesn't get pissed.
From there, Superman spares Gus from the authorities since Gus tried to save him while Ross and his ladies are assumedly taken to justice. He then goes to see (as Clark) Lana and her son, recently transplanted to Metropolis and they share a moment as he replaces her diamind ring she had to pawn to pay bills (aww). At the end, she is Perry White's new secretary.
Now, I know I oversimplified the story, ignoring a lot of little stuff, but the little stuff didn't help. Lois Lane has maybe 5 minutes of screen time and the Daily Planet itself is like scenes at MI6 in James Bond films only less classy. Way too many Richard Pryor moments of frightened vocal sounds ("In Living Color" had a great sketch of this mannerism in its first season) make you think you're watching deleted scenes from "Stir Crazy". There are some "tender" scenes with Lana Lang and her son. Nothing wrong with those, since Annette O'Toole was well-cast. Another element is Brad, the high school football player whose glory days have been replaced with booze and he can't udnerstand why Lana wants no part of him but prefers "nice" Clark.
I actually do like this movie. If you watch a syndicated version, the opening credits are right at the start and show space and play the real Superman theme, while Gus's unemployment office scene and the street comedy come after (if you cut the street scenes, the movie gels a bit better). The theme about technology taking over (mirrored in the same year's "Wargames") is just as prevalent today. The comedy (or rather ATTEMPTED comedy) was what tore the film apart at times.
Next up: another Bond flick.
Saturday, May 18, 2019
Tucker's Tale part 3....The closing
Here we have Mr. Price, a teacher of many years in the American public school system. He has seen and experienced much. However, this year he has come across a different dimension, a dimension of snot, satanic parents, and alcohol abuse, a hell so hideous that we can only dub it...The Tucker Zone!
When last we left Mr Price, it was at Halloween when the mother tried to blackmail him to agree to her demands, then got strangely cooperative when the attempt failed. Since then, similar battles occurred over Christmas, Valentine's Day, and an attempt to cancel Spring Break.
Now we come to the end of Tucker's second grade year. It is a week before school ends. Mr. Price is doing surprisingly well for the year he has had. Almost daily dealings with Tucker's mother have put him under a strain that, seemingly, only alcohol could ease. A brief covert dalliance with Nancy's mother, while fulfilling a fantasy, had left him even emptier. After a few months in AA, he is back on top, and even more surprisingly, his self-medicating was never seen in class, even escaping Tuckers' parents' microscoping eyes.
After school, Mr. Price is cleaning his room of all the crap that tends to accumulate over a year. He sees in his desk an almost empty bottle of Mad Dog 20/20. It was his first bottle from early in the year, a few nips after school, usually after an impromptu parent meeting, that started his troubles. He looks at the bottle, smiles sadly, and tosses it in the trash.
In comes Tucker's mom. She has the smile, the fake iciness that tells Price it's gonna be one of those days. "Hello, Mr. Price, how are you?"
Fuck me! "Hi. I am fine, you?"
"Oh, just peachy keen!" She looks around at all of the classroom walls. "Why, Mr. Price, these walls look absolutely bare!"
"And yet they look so lovely to me. Eye of the beholder, you know?"
"But the school year is not over yet!"
"Ma'am, the grades are in the system already. The last week we are performing the grade level play, which Tucker is NOT a part of for some reason known only to you. Then we will have a day of playing games and cleaning the desks. On the last day, we will watch a movie of my choosing, then we will release at 12:40."
The raisin wilted. "Released?"
"Dismissed, sent to terrorize their parents for 2 1/2 months and make the parents grateful there is a school system operating 9 1/2 months of the year. Of course, for the loving yet effectively strict parents who provide a balanced household, it's a family vacation."
Tucker's mom sits down. "And which are we, Mr. Price?"
You had to dig, didn't you? "Ma'am I don't think I've ever seen 2 parents so concerned over their kid in my life, which is a compliment."
A huge smile. "Thank you!"
"That being said, I think you focus on what most people think of as peripheral things and make them central to your son's life. In school, it has not served him well."
Tucker's mom looks down for a moment, then meet's Price's sober gaze. "We parent how we parent, Mr. Price."
"Indeed you do."
"About that play, Mr. Price..."
"It will not be canceled, ma'am. The kids have worked so hard."
A look of true surprise. "Oh no! Why would you think I-" She stops, thinks, and nods. "I've done a lot this year for Tucker, I can understand your frustration. But no, I was going to ask if...what I mean is...is there any room for Tucker at all?"
You shitting me? "No."
"Please!"
"Ma'am, you made such a big deal to me, the administration of the school, and the superintendent regarding the plants play! I even assured you that Tucker would not have the broccoli part, but you pushed and pushed, so I acquiesced and had Tucker do alternate learning activities while we practiced. Why the change so late in the year?"
Mother of Tucker is visibly weeping. "It's just that Tucker has felt so, so left out of things. He has been so upset over not being in the play. He even....he even said...he said BROCCOLI!"
Holy shit! "I'll be."
"Oh yes, it was such a breakthrough! Is there not any tiny way he can take part?"
I'll do it, but hate myself in the morning, afternoon, and night. "Tell you what I'll do. I'll create a non-speaking part of a gardener who waters the plants after two songs. That way he can earn the speaking and listening grade for this project."
"But-but he won't speak!"
"But he will listen for the end of the song so he knows what to do.. That counts."
She smiles so widely that Price thinks the extra oxygen will dry her face out permanently. "Mr. Price, I KNEW you were the right teacher for Tucker, I just knew it!"
Price drops another pice of trash into the bag and stares intently at the mother. "Not really."
"Why ever would you say that?"
"Ma'am, the only teacher who is right for Tucker is...I hate to say it...YOU!"
"What? But I'm not a teacher!"
"Oh but you are. You have taught Tucker so many things. Granted, you've taught him some bizarre ideas, but as you say, we parent how we parent. You have the time for it, and only you have the ability to bring Tucker up to grade level."
She is horrified. "Why ME?!"
"Because, simply, with you and your husband as teachers, the only ones who can interfere with your ideas and philosophies are, quite frankly, YOU...and your husband."
"But-but-but we have no educational background."
"Did you graduate high school?"
"Yes."
"You have background. Teach how your teachers taught you. Take what values you've instilled in Tucker, for better or worse, and apply them to the subject areas. Of course, you'd need a home-school liaison, but that's just to make sure you're teaching and not TV watching."
The mother looks down at her hands. She seems ashamed. "But, I was so happy with his growth this year."
I was, too, but the rash went away and he returned. "Growth? Ma'am I progress-monitored him on reading, letter sounds, and math all year. You saw the charts, he flat-lined most of the time, no matter what interventions I did because you intervened on the interventions. Only at the end, in late March, did we see any rise and that was mostly math, which often happens. Having ten fingers to count is a blessing when you know how to use them, and he finally can add and subtract 2 digit numbers with no regrouping."
"That is growth, though."
Price sighs. "It is. But it's not enough for 3rd grade. As we couldn't get him tested for special ed earlier, which I now see as a blessing in disguise, he will be kept in second grade." Price holds up a hand. "And before you protest, all powers concerned agree and will override your objections despite your tenacity."
"He CAN'T be held back!"
"It's done, unless you decide to home-school him. And, if he stays, he will not be in my class."
The raisin face is in danger of implosion. "No, no, only YOU! I insist!"
"No. I will be moving to a different classroom and doing 4th grade. I need the change. A lot of us do, but some teachers stay entrenched where they are too long. I know I did."
"Oh no....I didn't expect this at all."
"I didn't expect anything this year at all. It was an eye-opener on many levels." Price reaches into his bookshelf and finds a summer activity workbook. "I want you to have this, a present from me to you."
She looks at it, a tear flowing down her cheek. "Mr. Price, I feel so responsible for this."
Wonders never cease today! "Thank you for saying that, but the only one responsible for me is me. Now, I still have a lot to clean up before I have to go to a meeting."
She is puzzled. "But it's after school now. Most teachers have gone home."
Price smiles sadly yet proudly. "This time of year, they rush out after the kids do. No, a different meeting."
Mother of Tucker rises and extends a hand. "Thank you, Mr. Price, for everything."
Price takes the hand firmly. "Actually, thank you, ma'am. You and your son have taught me a lot. Have a wonderful summer."
When last we left Mr Price, it was at Halloween when the mother tried to blackmail him to agree to her demands, then got strangely cooperative when the attempt failed. Since then, similar battles occurred over Christmas, Valentine's Day, and an attempt to cancel Spring Break.
Now we come to the end of Tucker's second grade year. It is a week before school ends. Mr. Price is doing surprisingly well for the year he has had. Almost daily dealings with Tucker's mother have put him under a strain that, seemingly, only alcohol could ease. A brief covert dalliance with Nancy's mother, while fulfilling a fantasy, had left him even emptier. After a few months in AA, he is back on top, and even more surprisingly, his self-medicating was never seen in class, even escaping Tuckers' parents' microscoping eyes.
After school, Mr. Price is cleaning his room of all the crap that tends to accumulate over a year. He sees in his desk an almost empty bottle of Mad Dog 20/20. It was his first bottle from early in the year, a few nips after school, usually after an impromptu parent meeting, that started his troubles. He looks at the bottle, smiles sadly, and tosses it in the trash.
In comes Tucker's mom. She has the smile, the fake iciness that tells Price it's gonna be one of those days. "Hello, Mr. Price, how are you?"
Fuck me! "Hi. I am fine, you?"
"Oh, just peachy keen!" She looks around at all of the classroom walls. "Why, Mr. Price, these walls look absolutely bare!"
"And yet they look so lovely to me. Eye of the beholder, you know?"
"But the school year is not over yet!"
"Ma'am, the grades are in the system already. The last week we are performing the grade level play, which Tucker is NOT a part of for some reason known only to you. Then we will have a day of playing games and cleaning the desks. On the last day, we will watch a movie of my choosing, then we will release at 12:40."
The raisin wilted. "Released?"
"Dismissed, sent to terrorize their parents for 2 1/2 months and make the parents grateful there is a school system operating 9 1/2 months of the year. Of course, for the loving yet effectively strict parents who provide a balanced household, it's a family vacation."
Tucker's mom sits down. "And which are we, Mr. Price?"
You had to dig, didn't you? "Ma'am I don't think I've ever seen 2 parents so concerned over their kid in my life, which is a compliment."
A huge smile. "Thank you!"
"That being said, I think you focus on what most people think of as peripheral things and make them central to your son's life. In school, it has not served him well."
Tucker's mom looks down for a moment, then meet's Price's sober gaze. "We parent how we parent, Mr. Price."
"Indeed you do."
"About that play, Mr. Price..."
"It will not be canceled, ma'am. The kids have worked so hard."
A look of true surprise. "Oh no! Why would you think I-" She stops, thinks, and nods. "I've done a lot this year for Tucker, I can understand your frustration. But no, I was going to ask if...what I mean is...is there any room for Tucker at all?"
You shitting me? "No."
"Please!"
"Ma'am, you made such a big deal to me, the administration of the school, and the superintendent regarding the plants play! I even assured you that Tucker would not have the broccoli part, but you pushed and pushed, so I acquiesced and had Tucker do alternate learning activities while we practiced. Why the change so late in the year?"
Mother of Tucker is visibly weeping. "It's just that Tucker has felt so, so left out of things. He has been so upset over not being in the play. He even....he even said...he said BROCCOLI!"
Holy shit! "I'll be."
"Oh yes, it was such a breakthrough! Is there not any tiny way he can take part?"
I'll do it, but hate myself in the morning, afternoon, and night. "Tell you what I'll do. I'll create a non-speaking part of a gardener who waters the plants after two songs. That way he can earn the speaking and listening grade for this project."
"But-but he won't speak!"
"But he will listen for the end of the song so he knows what to do.. That counts."
She smiles so widely that Price thinks the extra oxygen will dry her face out permanently. "Mr. Price, I KNEW you were the right teacher for Tucker, I just knew it!"
Price drops another pice of trash into the bag and stares intently at the mother. "Not really."
"Why ever would you say that?"
"Ma'am, the only teacher who is right for Tucker is...I hate to say it...YOU!"
"What? But I'm not a teacher!"
"Oh but you are. You have taught Tucker so many things. Granted, you've taught him some bizarre ideas, but as you say, we parent how we parent. You have the time for it, and only you have the ability to bring Tucker up to grade level."
She is horrified. "Why ME?!"
"Because, simply, with you and your husband as teachers, the only ones who can interfere with your ideas and philosophies are, quite frankly, YOU...and your husband."
"But-but-but we have no educational background."
"Did you graduate high school?"
"Yes."
"You have background. Teach how your teachers taught you. Take what values you've instilled in Tucker, for better or worse, and apply them to the subject areas. Of course, you'd need a home-school liaison, but that's just to make sure you're teaching and not TV watching."
The mother looks down at her hands. She seems ashamed. "But, I was so happy with his growth this year."
I was, too, but the rash went away and he returned. "Growth? Ma'am I progress-monitored him on reading, letter sounds, and math all year. You saw the charts, he flat-lined most of the time, no matter what interventions I did because you intervened on the interventions. Only at the end, in late March, did we see any rise and that was mostly math, which often happens. Having ten fingers to count is a blessing when you know how to use them, and he finally can add and subtract 2 digit numbers with no regrouping."
"That is growth, though."
Price sighs. "It is. But it's not enough for 3rd grade. As we couldn't get him tested for special ed earlier, which I now see as a blessing in disguise, he will be kept in second grade." Price holds up a hand. "And before you protest, all powers concerned agree and will override your objections despite your tenacity."
"He CAN'T be held back!"
"It's done, unless you decide to home-school him. And, if he stays, he will not be in my class."
The raisin face is in danger of implosion. "No, no, only YOU! I insist!"
"No. I will be moving to a different classroom and doing 4th grade. I need the change. A lot of us do, but some teachers stay entrenched where they are too long. I know I did."
"Oh no....I didn't expect this at all."
"I didn't expect anything this year at all. It was an eye-opener on many levels." Price reaches into his bookshelf and finds a summer activity workbook. "I want you to have this, a present from me to you."
She looks at it, a tear flowing down her cheek. "Mr. Price, I feel so responsible for this."
Wonders never cease today! "Thank you for saying that, but the only one responsible for me is me. Now, I still have a lot to clean up before I have to go to a meeting."
She is puzzled. "But it's after school now. Most teachers have gone home."
Price smiles sadly yet proudly. "This time of year, they rush out after the kids do. No, a different meeting."
Mother of Tucker rises and extends a hand. "Thank you, Mr. Price, for everything."
Price takes the hand firmly. "Actually, thank you, ma'am. You and your son have taught me a lot. Have a wonderful summer."
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