So far, the 21st century had been quite a rollercoaster ride for me, and it was not looking to change anytime soon. I had gone from a somewhat high to a pretty big low, then dug myself out of that to enjoy a new start in life, including a new foray into the dating world. As I was about to find out, though, my digging myself out of that big hole wasn't a permanent thing!
2004
As the new year was upon us, I was getting more involved with Gigi, the friend of a married woman who tried to have a fling with me. As previously indicated, despite my desire to catch up from a pretty lame time in my 20s sexually, I had some scruples and had to turn that girl down. Gigi, on the other hand, was openly divorced with an elementary-aged daughter. We got together a couple of times in late 2003, and right after new year, we had ourselves a nice time on the pretext of me helping her put together a metal shelving unit.
I really dug Gigi, and we were having a nice time of it. Sometimes she would come to my apartment, but usually I went to hers since most often her daughter was with her. There were a few issues, however. One was that she had some jealousy about my past flings, few as they were, especially in regard to Treasa for some reason. That one escalated when Treasa took me out for a belated birthday celebration at a dinner theatre show called Ba-Da-Bing. Admittedly, when I took Treasa home, we did share a kiss and I was tempted...but temptation was it and I went home. The other was that I was tiring of the constant drives to her apartment, which was southeast of the airport. She also grew weary of my admittedly cavalier attitude toward our relationship. At 31 (she was 38), I should have been a lot more mature, but like I said, I was catching up on life at this point.
On a more normal plane, I was keeping a nice platonic friendship with Lora and started hanging with her and her daughter Alexa from time to time. I enjoyed those times more because there wasn't any sexual bullshit to contend with. Considering that to this day she and I remain great friends should be a big indicator of priorities!
On the work front, things were...ok. I enjoyed my class a lot and I had also begun a twice a week tutoring program after school for some extra bucks. That and going to the gym afterward made me pretty exhausted by the time I got home.
After a bit of an argument about whatever, around Valentine's Day I believe, Gigi and I had a temporary breakup...meaning she broke up with me in the morning, then after going to a wedding and getting hammered, she begged me to come to her place. So, we continued a bit longer, but not much. By late March, we agreed (mutually this time) that we weren't a long-term fit. Treasa and I started hanging together for a bit after that, but like before it wasn't exclusive...and for a change I was ok with that. I'd already figured out that I wasn't quite ready for what I considered tethered domestication. Treasa even invited me to her home for Easter dinner which included her folks, whom I had seen many times when they were picking up Christian from school.
I met a few others around this period with mixed results...sometimes they were drinks and/or dinner, sometimes a one time dalliance. One was a girl named Danni who I met up with at the place where you watch planes take off and land at McCarran...the place seemed designated for such meetups.
Another was Shannon, a pretty BBW redhead I had taken a fancy to, but she suddenly backed away and I didn't think it was me this time...but it likely was. Looking back at myself in those days, I really do not think I displayed what could be considered self confidence and self possession. Women generally have a good radar for those things.I think about the way I sat at restaurants with dates, not really listening to understand, but rather to get an "inside" angle. Yeah, I do believe I was shallow in that way but didn't realize it...just a boy inside trying to catch up to manhood...but not emotionally.
It was getting to me big-time!
Back at work, Teddy Brewer was finally about done with her first full year at Tom Williams, and was ready to make some changes...one of them being a switch for me from 1st to 5th grade. Quite a jump for sure, but she had me observe some good 5th grade teachers to see how they did things. I got a few ideas, but nothing really solid. What didn't help was that it was near year's end and they were pretty done with the year as well.
As the end of the school year was upon us, Treasa and I called it quits again. I wasn't so upset at her as I was at myself. Something was definitely wrong...but it was just beginning.
I did some of my time off between years (2 1/2 weeks) in San Diego and while there continued the online search for women. I began talking with a somewhat younger girl named Dorothy who lived in Texas. I figured maybe some long-distance thing without meeting would be healthy...it wasn't.
One problem with being in a new grade was that I had to change rooms...this room being a portable that had a faulty AC system sensor-wise. After a short time available to get the room together, the year began.
Now, I can pretty much sum up this ENTIRE year in one word: bad. It was for the most part a pretty rough group of kids. However, looking back on it all...they were pretty funny and if I had not let my bad level of self-respect and frustration get in my way, I think the year would have gone a LOT more smoothly. However, my state of emotion left me quite reactionary to the smallest things...and 5th graders pick up on that and use it against you. My classroom management was shit and not only the kids but many of the staff took note of it...and people I considered to be friends at work began turning their backs on me and getting quite cold, especially a couple in my own grade level. If I had the strength and courage to ask for help, I would have. But I was drowning...and having many a discussion with Teddy in her office. For the first time in my career (but not the only time) I was getting regularly called on the carpet.
One positive experience at this time was a trip up to Reno with my friend and colleague Kathleen Everett for a class on Nevada School Law and Nevada Constitution. It was a quick weekend where the school law stuff took the most time and the constitution was essentially a long lunch/text scavenger hunt. What was nice was getting out of town on a road trip. Kathleen and I were already friends, so we had some nice conversation up and on the way back.
While talking to Dorothy in Texas frequently online, I also had a reunion with Indy from the previous year. She had asked me to help with her broken down car on the freeway and things just developed from there. It wasn't the right time at all, but my timing sucked these days anyway.
My mind...especially emotions, was a mess by October. The past several months of one failed romantic/sexual efforts had taken their toll on me. I couldn't think straight, I couldn't teach right, it was all falling apart! So in my infinite lack of wisdom...I asked Dorothy to not only come visit, but also stay with me for a bit and see how it worked out. It was the dumbest idea I could have had then, and my family and friends were quite baffled by this.
Dorothy came on a Saturday,6 days before Nevada Day weekend. I cleaned up my place nicely and made room for her stuff, then picked her up at the airport. It was ok at first, and our curiosities about each other were satisfied that first night. We did some food shopping and made some plans to hit up some concerts coming up. Then the week hit again and she was stuck at my apartment...getting homesick in the process. The week dragged on like that and by the time the carnival came on Thursday, I practically forced her to come. I was introducing her like she was the one for me, even though she was definitely uncomfortable.
The weekend after was fairly tense and getting worse. Monday morning, we were rearranging furniture in the apartment. I was fixing something and she had made a joking comment that I didn't seem like a handy man...and I completely took it as a huge offense...for no good reason. But the writing was on the wall...it had been there when I asked her to come in the first place! The experiment wasn't working at all, it had in fact sunk me lower than I had been 3 years before! To be perfectly honest, I don't think I had ever completely left that funk, I should have gone to see an independent shrink after I left the HMO one, there was a lot of crap to sort out and LET out!
We decided it was best for me to take her back to Texas. A road trip did sound fun. I asked her from time to time if there was any way to work it out, but that was how desperate and emotional I was at that point. I knew the answer when I asked the question...many times!
The road trip itself was actually pretty good! I had never explored I 40 east of Kingman, so I got to see a lot of nice Arizona country along old route 66. Not a whole lot to see east of Flagstaff, but it got better once we got close to New Mexico. We made it past Albuquerque and stopped in Santa Rosa 100 miles later for the night. The next morning I discovered we were in the Great Plains portion of New Mexico...pretty blah, and it stayed that way all the way to Amarillo and down U.S. 287 to Wichita Falls. Afterward, the trees were more aplenty as dusk came and we passed through the Fort Worth-Dallas metro area to Dorothy's home town of Rockwall.
We stayed at her brother's house that night, then drove around town the next day and she introduced me to her family members all over the place. It was a bit uncomfortable as I knew I was leaving her the next day. We hung with a friend from late afternoon until night. Her friend noted my dour mood and reminded me frankly that I had done the inviting to stay in the first place..so I needed to take my part of the blame for this situation...what she didn't get was I was already doing that...a ton!
The next morning, after a brief but tearful goodbye, I headed out. Actually, the road trip by myself was what I needed. I listened to some Baldacci book on tape as I cruised down I 30 to I 20 and saw a lot of Texas rolling and flat land...flatter as I passed Abilene! By the time I got on I 10, the sun had set and it was a dark ride to El Paso where I stayed the night. The next morning was a bit rainy. I went to Tucson where I visited my second cousin Mike Fitzmorris and his wife for an hour or so, then I headed to my grandma's for a couple of days in Sun City West. I remember her asking me how Dorothy "was"! There are really times I miss that woman's lack of tact to this day!
When I got home, it was easier than I thought it would be with the emptiness. I made sure my appointment with a shrink was confirmed. Just the first few sessions got a LOT out that had been building and I saw where I had to go in order to be a better me in terms of teaching and relationships. Soon after, I went to San Diego for Thanksgiving. My dad and his friend Mark took me to their form of therapy...a strip joint! To understand just how bizarre this was, my dad is FAR from the strip joint type, though Mark seemed right at home. I got a lap dance or two and got fairly plastered. I probably shouldn't have driven to Mom and Don's new house in Cardiff, but rush hour traffic actually helped me to drive carefully.
Then it was back to school. It was only a few weeks between track break and Christmas break and those few weeks were not too bad in terms of teach-student relations. The first day back was my birthday, and a girl I had met in October named Jen kept our dinner date at Red Lobster, though she understood I was a bit messed up at this point and it was the last I saw of her.
My therapy sessions had done a lot for me already, and I cautiously tiptoed back into the dating scene, promising I'd take it a lot easier and not feel so rushed. Well..that was ME! A girl named Thea that I met the second weekend of December had a quicker solution in mind. I will say this about her at the very least...the sense of manhood I felt I had lost over the year was restored. Like Lora, she became a friend for life! Like Treasa, she had a wandering eye and got involved with someone else pretty fast after that. This time it was not so bothersome.
Christmas in San Diego...'nuff said. Though I will say that my time with Dad and Mark before gave me a new interest. Going to 'gentlemen's clubs' was actually therapeutic for me. It kept my mind happy and relieved tension on Fridays after a tough work week...they were all tough work weeks at this point.
2005
Coming back into school after the holiday was not something I was looking forward to. Despite new ideas and gimmicks I had, the opening weeks from 2004 had sadly set the pace and my class for the most part wasn't having it...though my toughest kid Ja'shon was actually slowly warming up to me and by year's end he and I probably ended our time together better than the rest. That said, the year was really sliding downhill faster than before. A couple of new boys caught on fast to the fact that their teacher wasn't worth a whole lot as a teacher.
Thank heaven for weekly therapy with a therapist and at my favorite 'club', The Library! Working out at the gym still along with a twice a week yoga class also helped.
I turned my eye back to the dating scene. I met a girl named Stacy online and we got together a couple of times. End of story. Then I met someone named Jacqueline, who was a live-in nanny for a family of 5. She seemed pretty nice and we had a good time, but something was off. First, she gave me a promise ring on our second or third date. WARNING! Also, she had quite the mood swings and was a wiccan practitioner. That last part didn't bug me as much as the mood swings and promise ring. Among these mood swings, she accused me of being cold and emotionless.
There was some truth to this. As in the beginning of my first therapy rounds 3 1/2 years earlier, the emotions let out a lot first, leaving essentially an empty tank waiting to be refilled...the tank was still on empty.
After 3 tumultuous weeks, I called it quits with her. It was then that I found out that she was still married to her second husband!! Now, I could have asked about that before, but being a somewhat typical guy, I didn't have a pre-date questionnaire asking for past history and insurance number. I truly believe I escaped a ticking time bomb.
During the spring track break, I headed to Washington for a family visit as well as pop in to see Derek. This was significant in that it was the last time I got the chance to see him. He was happily married with a cute boy named Orion and another on the way. That wasn't why I stopped coming...it was just a year later I had other things on my mind. He and I still talk to this day via email.
After coming back, I had one or two dating opportunities...then Thea came back into the picture. I was interested in pursuing her more than a certain level, but she wasn't. That was ok, for she was really the best thing for me at the time. Nothing else was lurking on the horizon in that department and I felt good with her.
Treasa had gotten engaged to a guy named Darin, who I got to meet one day at lunch with Christian. He seemed pretty nice, I was glad she had found someone pretty solid...in relative terms. Lora, Alexa, and I hung out from time to time. I even was trusted enough to pick up Alexa from her school when Lora was working a long shift. One time when Lora worked a pretty long night shift, I picked up Alexa and took her home, fed her, and put her to bed, then sacked out in Lora's bed until she came home, then slept more until it was time to go get ready for work. There were times for a bit when I wondered if I had missed an opportunity that night, but we had a perfectly platonic friendship...and love. An attempt on anything else would have killed all that and Lora was a jewel in my life.
I was invited to Kathleen Everett's home for Easter dinner with her family. I had already met her husband John and daughter Nicole before, so it was a nice gathering.
At work, I was just barely catching my breath every day. Professionally, I was shutting down and getting shut out by my colleagues. Sad to say, I know I wasn't actively calling for help, but nobody was reaching out to me, either. I think I was being viewed as one of those people who was lucky enough to get by for 3 years before calling it quits. There was a new second assistant principal named John Villareal. I was never sure why he was there, but he was another who called me on the carpet a couple of times, though in a gentle way. Teddy's time was about up and Kristie Rodeles was taking the reins as principal...and she had my problems to contend with. As there had been a few issues parents had raised concerns about (and rightly), for the last two weeks she had someone sit in the room with me while I taught. Given how the year had gone, I was grateful for the backup.
During the final track break, Rob Lander and I took a hiking trip in Zion. It was a breath of fresh air for a couple of days, well needed!
My time with Thea had gradually, and wordlessly, come to an end. I always knew she had an eye on something or someone else. It was ok. Other endeavors were proving mostly fruitless with a couple of exceptions. One was a girl named Karen Mikinka, whom I ended up hanging with along with her neurotic, quite weird sister Denise. Actually, they were both a bit off center, I hung with them here and there. Another was named Robin Fitzgerald who had 2 kids. We became movie and meal buddies here and there. What endeared me to Robin was that when the next school year was starting, she called me the night before to wish me luck.
But first, let's end the other year and quickly before my mind goes again! The schedule was a bit messed up, with 5th grade graduation the day before the last school day, which was thankfully only until 12:40. We were done with each other at that point, no love lost. As I said, I was the one who made that year what it was, not them. After the day was over, I got in my car, grabbed my stuff, then headed to San Diego. There was a bit of sprinkling going on during the drive, which suited me fine. During the time there, my mom had gotten me a book called The Reluctant Disciplinarian ..a pretty good read and gave some tips on how to get the year started right. I actually liked this one more than The First Days of School.
Upon return, I got to move from the portable with iffy AC to the main building, and was neighbors with Dorothy Williams. I always had a good relationship with her, and she remained positive with me even through my tough year before. I can say the same for Kathleen Everett, tech guy Paul Minkler and librarian Bob Boucher. The rest were what one would call fair weather friends. We also became bathroom partners, watching each others' classes if one of us had to go. We had 2 new specialist teachers, Christy Speas for music and Erica Hendrickson for art. New year, new faces, a positive already. A downside was that Scott Gupton had moved on to another school.
And with that, the school year began. Therapy had ended months before (due to insurance not paying) but I was feeling overall much better. I had a fairly tough class again, but I was much better prepared mentally for it and therefore got things started off right.
During Labor Day weekend, I met a girl named Jessica...another with 2 sons. We got together for coffee and then later at her place, and then again a week later. After that, it was a quick shut out (like others). This time, instead of shrugging and deciding to try again, I made a quite huge decision...to drop out! Indeed after over 2 1/2 years of one failure after another, despite some fun times in one bed or another, I needed a break or there was going to be another huge downfall! It was time to concentrate on me and work. The strip joint thing was still going, though not every Friday as before, so I had that if needed. I was hanging here and there with the Mikinkas and also Robin from time to time for companionship.
That time of celibacy really helped me to rediscover me. My teaching became a LOT more solid and Rodeles started to throw some praise my way here and there. I think she did that out of some sense of obligation. In the five years I worked under her, I never got the sense that she really liked me that much...I am not to everyone's taste.
As the carnival of 2005-2006 came, I was feeling great and definitely ready for track break. This time, I mostly hung around Vegas until Thanksgiving, then a quick jaunt to San Diego. In the early part of break, I went out with the Mikinkas for a little partying and got myself pretty plastered on vodka tonics. Quite frankly, my system needed the flush. They ended up driving me home and Denise brought me my car later. As Karen went on a business trip, Denise was scared to be alone to I hung at their place on the couch a couple of nights. The more time I spent with those 2 the more I understood how asexual they were...no vibes in that direction in any way. I do recall once that Denise asked if something happened to Karen, would I move in? It didn't take me long to say no...I was trying to be me for a while...whatever that was.
As my 33rd birthday passed, I realized the celibacy was wearing thin. I was getting good social time but that one part that had gone long without until 29 was getting restless, and the strip joint visits were getting less helpful. I decided that after Christmas I would enter the market again, this time more aware than before.
In fact, after I came back from the typical empty San Diego Christmas, I stopped in Laughlin to have dinner with a girl named Melanie. What I didn't realize from her online pic (taken at an odd angle) was that she had one eye. Hey, that didn't bother me, I had grown a lot in the past months. We made plans for another visit after New Year, which I partially spent with Robin and then the Mikinkas. We went to the Excalibur to watch the fireworks, ring in the New Year, then fight the crowds to escape. Pretty empty really. I realized that I wanted more...and was ready for more and I don't mean just sex. Ah, the next year!
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