Santa's Coach

 As I watch all of these Christmas specials we have on disc, I have to say I am quite grateful to not have to tune in to local stations to figure out when the few remaining classics will air, for there are so many more that USED to air.

   We are all familiar with the somewhat prickish Santa Claus in Rudolph, and the gentler jollier ones in Frosty The Snowman, Santa Claus is Comin' To Town and The Year Without a Santa Claus....and if you are NOT familiar with these, you are a low-down dirty millenial, now GET OUT!!!

   No, sorry, I had a little 2020 tension there, forgive me. Only 8 days left.

   What I was getting at, though, is that no matter the depiction, there is an original image of Santa Claus from which all translations sprung, for better or worse, from TV and movie versions to Salvation Army models outside Wal Mart and so forth. That said, the original Santa Claus likely didn't just KNOW how to BE Santa Claus, he had to have some sort of training from a form of acting coach, perhaps a coach elf. I can imagine the training might have gone something like this:

Hi there...the file says your name is Santa Claus?

All right, well, I've been asked to give you some insider tips on how to do your job.

Well, I never said you were doing it badly. Come to think of it, I have no idea what your job actually is.

No. You see I was pulled out of a gig just the other day, showing some guy named Washington how to be 'presidential'. 

Yeah, I seem to have a reputation for helping first timers, I guess. Problem is, it can be a crap shoot at times. Now, this is your first time at your job, am I right?

OK, so tell me what your general duties are.

You go around the world and give presents to all the children on Christmas Eve. All the DAMN children! 

Right. Okay, I think the first thing to do here is improve the attitude a bit.

Yes, I don't think you'll develop a very good rep if you curse your clientele regularly. I think what we need here is a sense of jolliness. Now let me hear you laugh.

Oh god, you sound like my dentist when he announces a root canal for me. I don't think har har is going to work here. Let's try something else.

No no no, the he he he won't work either, you sound like a future restraining order. Let's try it again.

Whoa! Definitely not a huh huh huh, you sound like a butthead. One more try.

Yes, YES! HO HO HO is definitely the way to go. I want you to practice that laugh as often as you can. Now, let's talk about the gift-giving. What's the plan?

Well, now that's something else we need to work on. I don't think you're going to be successful if you just walk into people's homes and drop off presents and just leave. 

No, it's mildly creepy and while the kids will like it, parents probably won't. If some stranger walks in and drops off presents, wrapped or not, I'm likely to toss him out on his ear.

Oh no, I can work this out. I'm thinking...hey, what if we make it so you come at night when everyone is asleep? Yeah, that's it! And you won't get caught up in any unnecessary conversation...otherwise you won't get to all those damn-er, all the kids.

No, the front door isn't such a hot idea, often they're locked.

No, I don't think the image of you as a lockpicker will go over well...there is P.R. to consider here. No I was thinking of you coming down the chimney. 

Sure! When you come late at night, the fires will most surely be out. Let's see, what else? Oh, let me take a good look at you.

No, there's nothing really wrong, you just look like a middle-aged barfly, and those are a dime a dozen. What we're looking for here is...a right jolly old elf! 

How? Easy: put on a good amount of weight and grow a big beard and mustache. You have the white already. 

No that won't be enough. Some special clothes will be needed...a suit of some sort. Um...what's your favorite color?

Eek! I don't think black is a jolly color. Tell you what, let me think about it for a while and I'll send you to my tailor when I have it mapped out. We have a few months. Now, there's one little wrinkle I haven't figured out. You give gifts to all the children, right? 

Well, I think you might want to think of that a bit. Some of those kids, well, can be DAMN kids and pretty naughty. Let's do this. Come up with a list of the ones who are naughty and the ones who are nice. The ones who are nice will know you're coming to town.

The bad ones? Hmm...well I could be a little turd when I was a kid and my dad whacked me with a piece of coal.

No, no! No whacking, remember I mentioned having good P.R. But maybe leave them some coal, I think that'd leave a message for the next year.

Good good, I think we're making progress. Listen, I'll work on the clothes angle and get back to you. You work on the attitude and laugh. Oh, and I also have a line on the newest thing in transportation. 

Yep, think of this: flying reindeer. Sleep on that and we'll talk later!