It's the most sanctimonious time...of the year
With the Hallmark channel blasting
With uber Canadian casting
Requiring more than one beer!
It's the most melodramatic time...of the year!
Sheesh! Whatever happened to the good ol days of strictly kid-friendly programming, when Rankin Bass used to kick ass? Looking at media and societal trends through the decades, I can chalk it up to pretty much one thing: candy-ass snowflakes!
Yes, this group of self-proclaimed victimization of media representations (I am full of lame rhymes today, forgive me!) has made it their mission to look at holiday past and blast it to smithereens.
The best example, of course, is the 1964 classic "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer". Once the mainstay of the Christmas specials, we can generally break it down as follows:
1) Mom and Dad have an imperfect child they are embarrassed over
2)Santa Claus is revealed to be an egotistical prick
3) The child is befriended then scorned by the same 'friends' once the imperfection is revealed.
4) The child runs away with a fellow outcast and both are joined by another mysterious gold-digging axe-licker.
5) The 3 outcasts become heroes when rescuing family from a misunderstood beast.
6. Only when there is a true emergency does Santa kiss the outcast's ass...but he still left a bad first impression.
7. Have a holly jolly Christmas.
Now, that is a classic 20th century plotline for many a claymation special...the underdog comes through. We watched these shows without really any criticism because, really, folks were made out of tougher stuff and could handle pretty much anything...as long as the happy ending was attained, no matter how outlandish or, often forced to finish up the hour nicely with McDonald's and toy ads.
Decades later, only Rudolph and Frosty and Charlie Brown and a handful of other newer creations remain on the air, and with the ever-expansive cable lineups, these specials are hard to find...that is unless you buy the box set from Walmart with no ad interruptions.
But that is not the only reason the classic lineup is in danger of disappearing forever. It is also the 'victims', many of whom are near my age, who believe their childhood traumas had something to do with the media of the past and are determined to protect the future generations from the past.
Well, look no further! At Dr Delighted headquarters, we are positively delighted to give the people what they need! Granted what many people really need is a sharp kick in the ass and remove the brick from it. However, most don't realize that so we'll give them, for a fair market price (first-born children aren't off the bargaining table), their tailor-made no-offense holiday special.
Let us go to the planning table of Dr Delighted where the ideas of the future are put through the cheese grater of today.
Dr Delighted: All right, everyone, settle down and let's get this hashed out. It's a Hallmark special for cryin' out loud! These things are supposed to write themselves in ten minutes or less. Jeeves!
Jeeves: My name is Sam.
Delighted: Like it matters. What plots do we have available?
Jeeves: We have the classic Scrooge thing with the ghosts, but that last one with Andy Dick as Bob Marley kind of killed it. Then there's the old "It's a Wonderful Life" standby.
Delighted: Well, stand by here and remind me.
Jeeves: Someone stays in his community and does his best to work and raise a family and then when everything goes down the drain, an angel waiting to get its wings shows him what life would be life if he hadn't been born.
Delighted: Humph...anything else?
Jeeves: Well now, there's a new wrinkle becoming popular...some twit keeps reliving Christmas Eve over and over until they get their act together.
Delighted: Yeah I saw that bit with the guy from "Wings"...I fell asleep. Let's go with the angel thing again. But this time, it has to be completely devoid of anything considered passé.
Adjutant 1: Such as?
Delighted: Men, women, and angels.
Adjutant 2: How exactly are we going to do this, sir?
Delighted: My first name is Doctor!
Adjutant 2: Oh, sorry Doctor, but how do we do this without men,. women, or angels?
Delighted: Great question. As we all know, Hallmark wants us using Canadians and desperate ex-soap actors to save on production costs. But that's not enough anymore. With so many groups picketing for whatever the hell they picket for, the era of Mark Consuelos and Candace Cameron Bure cutesy flicks is over.
Adjutant 1: Doctor?
Delighted: Who are you?
Adjutant 1: I'm, Adjutant 1.
Delighted Oh. Yes?
Adjutant 1: Who do we get instead?
Delighted: Simple. We get a bunch of Canadian actors who are gender-ambiguous. So instead of George getting hitched to Mary and having a bunch of kids, we have 2 gray area people who simply have a civil commitment ceremony and adopt some gray area multi-racial kids.
Adjutant 1: Ah, and the angel?
Delighted: Well, you know an angel will get a bunch of flak from the agnostics and atheists. So instead we'll have an actual gender-neutral human who is looking to fulfill their community service requirements.
Adjutant 2: What about the villain Potter?
Delighted: It'll be a device like Alexa, nobody can be offended at that ambiguity!
Jeeves: Is the hero...er heroine...er main character still working at a bank?
Delighted: No, it'll be a modern yet underdog version of Amazon.
Can you imagine? Let's hope the holiday special never gets to this point!
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!
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