Pilgrim Travel Agent

    On the eve of one of the most celebrated holidays of November (next to my anniversary and my birthday...only I am having trouble convincing the world to observe these...damn calendar purists!) I was thinking of the history of this holiday.

   Even before Abe Lincoln's 1863 proclamation of a national Thanksgiving (on the last Thursday of November then), there was a little instance of some folks named the Pilgrims about 400 years ago who came to Massachusetts...obviously they were unaware the the high tax rate, otherwise they might have picked Jersey.

   Now, odd-minded as I am, I came to wondering how this group of ne-er do wells even got there in the first place. As history shows, these seekers of religious freedom weren't precisely on the dean's list of life. In fact I think they they were the dunce-cappers of England set for deep-frying chips for the king as a career.

   My opinion is that they made use of a medieval travel agent. I think the call must have gone like this:

   Hello? Ah, Mr. Bradford! Yes, my receptionist wrote a few things down the other day. Now there are a few things I really don't understand.

   Well, for one thing, I usually do round trips to French Vineyards...you know, an easy sail across the Channel, put tourists up at a cute little chateau, give them a few days to get snockered on Chardonnay and then come home.

   You have a Godly purpose? Well ok. I have sent a few folks to Trinidad on missions here and there. Problem is, they get it out of their system pretty quick once they see it's not all beaches and margaritas.

   The New World? You mean that rock-strewn swamp Columbus found about a hundred years ago?

   Well, you see, this isn't exactly an easy package to put together!

   Why? For one thing, the rental ship companies charge hell and highwater for insurance...mostly BECAUSE of the highwaters.

   Yeah I understand you have a purpose, and so do the rental companies! To keep their ships intact!

   All right all right, let me get Lou to price-check available ships. In the meantime let's look at accomodations over there...now you see we have another problem.

   No, I'm not trying to be negative, it's just this new world is, well, not exactly developed. You know, here in England we have inns and pubs with fairly up to date plumbing. Out west, you're talking rustic.

  No, no, I mean so rustic there aren't even small cabins with fireplaces. I mean we're talking beaches with a ton of rocks. And the water isn't precisely good for surfing. Not even a boardwalk from what I hear.

   Now, there are some positives. The area, once you get a bit further inland, is great for growing. You folks good at gardening at all?

   I see. Well, you ought to get good at it and quick. On the off chance you're able to get a rental ship and can pay the per day fees, you're unlikely to get one with a big enough fridge to hold your foodstuffs.I don't suppose you know how to fish?

   Mr. Bradford, I must be brutally honest here. Based on your small budget and lack of travel experience on the seas, I wouldn't rent you a ship if it were up to me, just from a business standpoint.

   Yes I know you have a purpose! Hell, when my grandfather contracted with Columbus way back, he had a purpose,too, and he wouldn't have given Columbus those 3 clunkers if the queen hadn't chipped in for the insurance policy!

   Oh wait, Lou just came back, hold on. (pause) Mr. Bradford, you are not going to believe this, but Shilling a Day Ships has what they call the Pinto of Europe, a piece of crap called the Mayflower. They've apparently had trouble renting it to anyone. In fact they are so desperate they'll rent it for half the price.

Great great. Well, we'll get the paperwork signed once you get here and I can hand you the keys...or the wheel, depending on what year the ship is. 

All right then, bye! Oh, make sure you have 2 forms of ID when you come. Take care!