And thank you for joining me, your overly optimistic and cannabis blessed radio personality Dr Delighted! And I am delighted as a Kardashian ass doctor. Sorry for the long sabbatical, but I had to see the world. I had to see beyond this DJ booth world to see what was there. Believe me, the parking garage isn't much better!
While I was gone it looks like I have a bunch of fan mail. Well, 4 of them are fan letters, anyway. The rest look like forwarded bills from the apartment I "vacated", but more on that later. Our first letter looks like...oh my....I did NOT know that was considered as a penetrable orifice, ma'am! We'll tuck this away until the end of my career, thank you. Wow, that's extreme even for prison.
OK, here's a real letter. "Dear Dr Delighted, I am a teacher in Las Vegas. Well, maybe not much longer. I like my job and all, but in the process I lost my husband who couldn't get into what I do. There are a lot of other headaches, too, in my job, salary freeze being one of them, and I wonder if the loss of a relationship was a worthy price. Sorry if I sound like I am whining, but I've had it up to here. I need advice. Love, Overloaded." Wow! Dr Delighted is touched by this, because he knows all about the world of teachers...he used to be one (a teacher not a world), and apparently the pot has made him talk in the 3rd person, so let me get back to normal! Overloaded, I know nothing about your relationship and I do not know if it is salvageable as a result. This is the end of a school year, and I have met teachers who think as you do. Some need a change of location and some need a change of vocation. And some just need the summer to get their thoughts and spirits up to tackle another 9 months. Whatever it is you need to do, take care of yourself first, Overloaded. And coming your way is a gift card for a local spa. I thought about a gift card for teacher supplies, but nobody who has all the cheese on their cracker wants that shit in May! Bless you!
Holy Toledo Spain! We have some callers. Isn't that nice? Guess I have to play catch-up. Dr. Delighted on the air!
"There IS no air!"
Well as I'm breathing and not keeling over, I beg to differ.
"No, I mean radios aren't on the air anymore. It's all digital now."
While the Doctor enjoys being educated, school has been dismissed in my brain for the day, possibly decade. What can I help you with?
"Well, I love a woman...."
Uh-huh....
"And I'm frustrated that she might not love me back."
Oh good, finally a good old-fashioned problemo. You're frustrated, understood. You been dating her?
"A few times, yeah."
Does that mean you've been on a few dates or you two have had more than one 'era' for lack of a better word?
"We went out a few times."
O-ho!
"You can help me?"
Er, no, I just spotted Luscious Lucy on the street corner. But maybe I CAN help you. What have you and girl wonder done together?
"We've had dinner...gone roller-skating....went to the movies...played some slots together."
I see. Any kissing or hugging in there?
"Well, hugs and cheek pecks."
Oh ho ho ho indeed! And how many times have you gotten together?
"Seven."
Well, my boy...what's your name, anyway?
"Marv."
Marv, read this closely: you're not going to win her slot, no matter how many times you hit play.
"Huh?"
I don't know if it's love you seek or merely the act of love, but you have a better chance with Luscious Lucy if you carry 20s and 50s.
"But I love her!"
Luscious Lucy? You had your vaccinations?
"No, I mean Eve, the girl I'm striking out with."
Marv, let me play you a tune that'll explain it further.
(plays "You Can't Touch This or This or This" by the group Friend Zone and the Platonics)
And while we all stew over Marv's problems further, let's have a word from our sponsor, which is....do we even have a sponsor anymore?...Oh yes, Ned's Bail Bonds and Lieutenant's Fried Chicken, coincidentally right next to each other.
....And we're back! I've been to that chicken place and I wouldn't pay a bond for the owner with all the botulism coming out of there. All righty then, let's have another letter.
"Dear Dr Delighted,
We have been trying to reach you for three months, with no response. Our company has no choice but to ram you up the keister with a never-ending barrage of harrassing calls until you pay us "$67.67" you owe for services rendered.
Yours,
The Parlor"
Yes, that is a very serious problem when people don't pay up. But then again, maybe your services weren't the cat's meow. I told you I wanted feathers and you gave me quills, as well as something else that just cleared up last month. In any case, the poor schmuck who stole my phone will be glad to hear from you I'm sure.
All right. Golly, another call? Must be my lucky night. Dr Delighted has beamed you aboard.
"You bastard!"
No, my dad is on the birth certificate, or at least he humored me with a forgery.
"I hate you!"
You sound less than thrilled, ma'am. You should always drink good stuff before you call me.
"F*** OFF!"
I don't know exactly how one fasterisksasterisksasterisks off, but either a lube or astringent sounds like a requisite.
"You told my husband I was cheating on him!"
I see, and how do you feel about that?
"I want to kill you!"
Hmm, how was your relationship with your mother?
"What the hell are you talking about?"
I'd show you some inkblots, but not sure how that'd work on the airwaves...er, digital waves as Marv the schmuck insists on.
"Why did you tell him that?"
Not sure, might have seemed amusing at the time. No, seriously, what is your husband's name?
"Tucker."
(suppressing a giggle) That brings a rhyme or 2 to mind. But I do remember F- I mean Tucker. He told me several things.
"Like what?"
Oh, your Tinder account, some used condoms in the bathroom waste can, suggestive texts on your phone, a strange car in your driveway...it just didn't seem like you were planning a surprise party for him...or maybe you were depending on the party's theme.
"I KNOW I cheated on him, and now everyone else knows!"
And as you just confirmed it instead of creating some story to destroy my credibility, yep, now everyone DOES know. Anything else?
"Yes! I mean...I don't know. I'm pissed!"
You can be pissed at me all you want. It's none of my business. In fact, nothing any of my listeners do and experience are my business, until they ask me for advice. They make it my business and one thing I will not do to someone who makes that effort...is lie to them about what I think. I've been around and seen and done too much to bullshit anyone. Understand me?
"Um...yes. I just...I...I love my husband, you know?"
I think so.
"But...I did things...not because I was mad or angry. I just...needed. I needed. I have needs, you know?"
So I hear. Question: do you need to make it right with him or do you need to continue needing?"
"Both."
Impossible. The world now knows, or at least the 5 people listening. He knows. You know. You know?
"Good-bye." (click)
Folks, there you have it. And quite frankly, I've had it. I've had it with people who can't take responsibility, I've had it with people who whine, and I've had it with people who bill me at my workplace. And as long as I get a paycheck, I'll continue having it! Til next time!
Wednesday, May 15, 2019
Thursday, April 18, 2019
Superman 2...and 2
It's a bird, it's Superman, it's...it's...Trump Airlines!
Nah, that's gone like other shitty ideas we've been cursed with, like millenials. Because they have no clue how good the original superhero movies used to be, some of their sequels, too.
Speaking of which, recently I wrote about the glories of the 1978 classic "Superman" and how it is superior to the recent films that involve superhero infighting and generally antisocial behavior that makes them look less like heroes than shrink fodder. Well, when you have a great superhero film, it surely deserves a sequel.
In this case, director Richard Donner decided to film the first and second films simultaneously, something that was not successfully mounted until the Lord of the Rings films, which resulted in a trilogy longer than my work day! Unfortunately, he was fired from the production and Richard Lester was brought in to finish the film.
Now, for over 25 years, the Lester version is what we all knew as Superman 2. And it is a pretty good film, in many ways better than the original. For one thing, the musical themes from the original remain, though in a different way, with some new ones added. John Williams does not preside here, but rather Jerry Goldsmith, who has many film hits under his belt (L.A. Confidential, Chinatown, First Blood, among many others). The acting is also good, but there are also some instances of comic moments that are not necessary and take away from the plot, but that is just a mild ding. The plot itself is first rate and really helps us to understand this is a continuation from the first film, not just another new adventure.
The opening is a quick rehash of the trial of three Kryptonian criminals: General Zod, his lady Ursa, and mindless muscle Non. Apparently they were trying to overtake the government. Once again we see them declared guilty by faceless jurors (not a bad idea really) but without Jor-El this time (the Godfather wanted too much money). They are sentenced to the Phantom Zone with Zod vowing revenge and then we are treated to a long opening credits sequence where we are treated to the highlight scenes of the original, even seeing Jeff East in his teen Clark Kent scenes.
Cut to Metropolis at the Daily Planet, where Clark Kent is looking for Lois, who is in Paris covering a terrorist news story. He quickly heads to Paris to save snoopy Lois from the Eiffel Tower, where a hydrogen bomb has been placed. He takes the bomb to space, where it explodes. Coincidentally, the satanic Polaroid that is the phantom zone is nearby and the explosion breaks it apart, freeing the 3 villains. They proceed to the moon, fatally disrupting a joint American-Soviet lunar mission and discovering their new powers in the process.
Meanwhile, Lex Luthor and moron henchman Otis break out of prison via the help of Eve Teshmacher in a hot air balloon. However, Otis is too heavy for the rope ladder and he is left behind and without any further involvement in the movie. Lex and Eve use a black box that tracks alpha waves to find the fortress of solitude. Here, Lex learns from the hologram of Superman's mom (remember no Brando here) of the three Kryptonian villains. He decides to seek them out, and after this scene, Eve is out of the film as well.
Clark and Lois are assigned to expose corruption and fraud in Niagara Falls, posing as newlyweds. Here, she is noticing that Superman and Clark are never together and suspects they are one and the same. Clark eventually breaks down and admits it, and she admits she's in love with him. With that, they fly off to the fortress of solitude to, er, "talk". After a dinner made up of who knows what, including some bubbly that Superman apparently heisted form a liquor store, Superman must first consult his mother on this. Apparently if he wants to be with a human, he must become one forever. He enters a molecule chamber that strips him of his Kryptonian powers and muscle, then gets it on with Lois who seems less than thrilled.
The villains descend upon Earth and begin wreaking havoc with the local community and law enforcement. The military is brought in but are taken out easily. Zod declares his intent to rule the planet, then heads with his 2 compatriots to the White House where, after, disposing of its crack security force, demands the President's surrender. The Prez does so, warning of Superman. Lois and Clark are at a truck stop where Clark is beat up by a vicious trucker while defending his and Lois's honor. While regaining consciousness, he hears the TV announcement of Zod's rule and heads back to the fortress, where he pleads for his parents to give him one more chance. They relent via the green crystal from the first movie.
While Superman regenerates his powers, Lex Luthor makes contact with Zod, Ursa, and Non. While not impressed with him, they accept his deal to bring them to Superman in exchange for ruling Australia. They head to the Daily Planet where, instead of finding Superman they find Lois, Jimmy, and Perry. Lex hedges a bit, saying he brought them the "next best thing", hinting that Lois is the key to getting Superman. Whatever, Superman then shows up and a huge battle above and on the streets of Metropolis ensues. While Superman holds his own well, the villains' combined efforts to use his love of people prove to be too much of a disadvantage. Superman flies away, making the villains think he is a coward.
They pursue him, via a lead from cowardly Lex, to the fortress, where Superman has a tactical advantage. When Ursa takes Lois hostage, Superman uses a reversed molecule chamber to keep him safe while the villains lose their powers outside the chamber. He then disposes of Zod, while Non falls and Lois decks Ursa. Superman then has Lex sent back to prison and uses a kiss to make Lois forget about his secret identity. He pays a visit to the truck stop where he settles a score with the violent trucker (without throwing one punch) and apologizes to the President. End of movie.
Like I said, most of the movie is great. The one huge dig I have is the transformation of Lex Luthor from a scheming genius to a sniveling coward aiming for self-preservation. I know he's trying to gain favor with the evil trio, but he sheds all self respect in the process. I wondered why he didn't retrieve the block of Kryptonite he'd leveled at Superman on the villains.
Anyway, skip to the 2000s. Richard Donner pieces together much of what he had made with some screen test footage and alternate takes, plus the original Williams music scores and releases on disc "Superman 2: The Donner Cut". Much of the movie is the same, though the themes of humor (particularly in music) from the Lester movie are for the most part removed, leaving us a darker take on the villains. In a way, this version is superior if somewhat incomplete.
Overall, both versions are quite watchable over and over again as another example of good vs evil without the good going to the dark side. We will leave that for Superman III, aka The Richard Pryor Show.
Nah, that's gone like other shitty ideas we've been cursed with, like millenials. Because they have no clue how good the original superhero movies used to be, some of their sequels, too.
Speaking of which, recently I wrote about the glories of the 1978 classic "Superman" and how it is superior to the recent films that involve superhero infighting and generally antisocial behavior that makes them look less like heroes than shrink fodder. Well, when you have a great superhero film, it surely deserves a sequel.
In this case, director Richard Donner decided to film the first and second films simultaneously, something that was not successfully mounted until the Lord of the Rings films, which resulted in a trilogy longer than my work day! Unfortunately, he was fired from the production and Richard Lester was brought in to finish the film.
Now, for over 25 years, the Lester version is what we all knew as Superman 2. And it is a pretty good film, in many ways better than the original. For one thing, the musical themes from the original remain, though in a different way, with some new ones added. John Williams does not preside here, but rather Jerry Goldsmith, who has many film hits under his belt (L.A. Confidential, Chinatown, First Blood, among many others). The acting is also good, but there are also some instances of comic moments that are not necessary and take away from the plot, but that is just a mild ding. The plot itself is first rate and really helps us to understand this is a continuation from the first film, not just another new adventure.
The opening is a quick rehash of the trial of three Kryptonian criminals: General Zod, his lady Ursa, and mindless muscle Non. Apparently they were trying to overtake the government. Once again we see them declared guilty by faceless jurors (not a bad idea really) but without Jor-El this time (the Godfather wanted too much money). They are sentenced to the Phantom Zone with Zod vowing revenge and then we are treated to a long opening credits sequence where we are treated to the highlight scenes of the original, even seeing Jeff East in his teen Clark Kent scenes.
Cut to Metropolis at the Daily Planet, where Clark Kent is looking for Lois, who is in Paris covering a terrorist news story. He quickly heads to Paris to save snoopy Lois from the Eiffel Tower, where a hydrogen bomb has been placed. He takes the bomb to space, where it explodes. Coincidentally, the satanic Polaroid that is the phantom zone is nearby and the explosion breaks it apart, freeing the 3 villains. They proceed to the moon, fatally disrupting a joint American-Soviet lunar mission and discovering their new powers in the process.
Meanwhile, Lex Luthor and moron henchman Otis break out of prison via the help of Eve Teshmacher in a hot air balloon. However, Otis is too heavy for the rope ladder and he is left behind and without any further involvement in the movie. Lex and Eve use a black box that tracks alpha waves to find the fortress of solitude. Here, Lex learns from the hologram of Superman's mom (remember no Brando here) of the three Kryptonian villains. He decides to seek them out, and after this scene, Eve is out of the film as well.
Clark and Lois are assigned to expose corruption and fraud in Niagara Falls, posing as newlyweds. Here, she is noticing that Superman and Clark are never together and suspects they are one and the same. Clark eventually breaks down and admits it, and she admits she's in love with him. With that, they fly off to the fortress of solitude to, er, "talk". After a dinner made up of who knows what, including some bubbly that Superman apparently heisted form a liquor store, Superman must first consult his mother on this. Apparently if he wants to be with a human, he must become one forever. He enters a molecule chamber that strips him of his Kryptonian powers and muscle, then gets it on with Lois who seems less than thrilled.
The villains descend upon Earth and begin wreaking havoc with the local community and law enforcement. The military is brought in but are taken out easily. Zod declares his intent to rule the planet, then heads with his 2 compatriots to the White House where, after, disposing of its crack security force, demands the President's surrender. The Prez does so, warning of Superman. Lois and Clark are at a truck stop where Clark is beat up by a vicious trucker while defending his and Lois's honor. While regaining consciousness, he hears the TV announcement of Zod's rule and heads back to the fortress, where he pleads for his parents to give him one more chance. They relent via the green crystal from the first movie.
While Superman regenerates his powers, Lex Luthor makes contact with Zod, Ursa, and Non. While not impressed with him, they accept his deal to bring them to Superman in exchange for ruling Australia. They head to the Daily Planet where, instead of finding Superman they find Lois, Jimmy, and Perry. Lex hedges a bit, saying he brought them the "next best thing", hinting that Lois is the key to getting Superman. Whatever, Superman then shows up and a huge battle above and on the streets of Metropolis ensues. While Superman holds his own well, the villains' combined efforts to use his love of people prove to be too much of a disadvantage. Superman flies away, making the villains think he is a coward.
They pursue him, via a lead from cowardly Lex, to the fortress, where Superman has a tactical advantage. When Ursa takes Lois hostage, Superman uses a reversed molecule chamber to keep him safe while the villains lose their powers outside the chamber. He then disposes of Zod, while Non falls and Lois decks Ursa. Superman then has Lex sent back to prison and uses a kiss to make Lois forget about his secret identity. He pays a visit to the truck stop where he settles a score with the violent trucker (without throwing one punch) and apologizes to the President. End of movie.
Like I said, most of the movie is great. The one huge dig I have is the transformation of Lex Luthor from a scheming genius to a sniveling coward aiming for self-preservation. I know he's trying to gain favor with the evil trio, but he sheds all self respect in the process. I wondered why he didn't retrieve the block of Kryptonite he'd leveled at Superman on the villains.
Anyway, skip to the 2000s. Richard Donner pieces together much of what he had made with some screen test footage and alternate takes, plus the original Williams music scores and releases on disc "Superman 2: The Donner Cut". Much of the movie is the same, though the themes of humor (particularly in music) from the Lester movie are for the most part removed, leaving us a darker take on the villains. In a way, this version is superior if somewhat incomplete.
Overall, both versions are quite watchable over and over again as another example of good vs evil without the good going to the dark side. We will leave that for Superman III, aka The Richard Pryor Show.
Saturday, April 13, 2019
It's a Bird, It's a Plane...Nah, Just Retro Coolness
Last weekend, I was turning on the TV, hoping for something decent, something funny...really something in the background while I worked on a New York Times puzzle. Because, quite frankly, there is nothing much on TV that attracts my attention anymore. Vickie will catch a game show, or cooking competition, or home-buying-repairing show, forcing me to leave the room, go on the computer, or do another puzzle. Even the oldies but goodies that occasionally appear are often-repeated and are cut to make ad time.
One of the channels had a Superman marathon going, albeit with ads. In this case, the end of Superman 2 was on. Luckily for me, we have the first two movies on disc, so I pulled it out (the MOVIE you filthy-minded minx!). Actually, we have the original Superman 2 AND the Donner cut, more on that later.
Whenever I watch one of the Christopher Reeve Superman movies, I am reminded of how good those flicks were. It is actually amazing they were made at all given the production history dating back to 1973. So many actors were approached or did approach to audition. The writing also had an interesting history, including a 500+ page draft by Mario Corleone, er Puzo. Christopher Reeve was actually a soap actor before that, not nearly as known as his other contestants for the role.
So the question is, what makes the Reeve Superman films good? Well, for starters, he was a good actor and played the superhero and his alter ego Clark Kent quite well, in fact sometimes too well. Before those movies, the only screen Superman we knew was the 1950s series with George Reeves. George played his Clark Kent with a little more confidence, though his midsection spoke of a few too many cheap Vegas prime rib meals. Christopher Reeve, on the other hand, actually worked out to gain muscle weight for the part. His Clark Kent was quite deliberately clumsy and shy while his Superman was strong, friendly (to the good guys), and confident.
Next, we have the music. Orchestra master John Williams created yet another of his soundtrack masterpieces with the Superman theme as well as the Lois Lane love theme. That man has contributed much to the memorable movie music motifs in the past 40 years!
Add to that the clever casting of Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor. Hackman has generally been known for serious roles for most of his career. His turns as Luthor showed that playing a megalomaniacal villain with a slightly humorous edge was another strength. Then there's Ned Beatty, who usually played opposite Burt Reynolds as a friend or foe in several 70s flicks, as Luthor's bumbling lackey Otis. As for Margot Kidder as Lois Lane, I've been on the fence about her portrayal, to tell the truth. She wasn't so much portrayed as a hard-news reporter as one who couldn't spell well. Of course, we also have Marlon Brando as Jor-El, the Kryptonian scientist whose theories were often refused.
All right, we covered the basics, now let's get to the actual movies so as to discuss plot.
Superman (1978)
The movie starts out with a strange opening of a kid opening a comic book, then a dissolve to the Daily Planet building (looking 30s/40s retro) before the opening credits. We are then introduced to the crystal-laden planet of Krypton where the kangaroo court trial of three criminals takes place, followed by a quick sentencing into a contraption that looks like Satan's Polaroid. We then get to the destruction of Krypton. Luckily, his parents send baby Kal-El away (mother tearful, father stone-facedly trying to forget his legal problems over "Last Tango in Paris") on what looks to be a K-Mart $2 Christmas ornament.
We then see him land on Earth in a Kansas-ish field. He is found and adopted by the Kents , an already middle aged couple, and dubbed Clark.Within a minute, Clark is an awkward teenager ostracized by his peers save for sweet Lana Lang after football practice. Clark immediately hits the general store and buys some feed, a Coke, and an AR 15 to wipe out his tormentors. No, seriously, he decides to practice his super speed and race home. After a fatherly admonition from Pa Kent, Pa Kent has a heart attack and dies. Clark then starts hearing things and discovers a green crystal in the barn. Somehow he can understand it and he travels north, leaving poor Ma Kent in the hands of unsympathetic farm bankers.
As he gets north of the Arctic Circle (we assume), he throws the green crystal, which starts the most incredible and fastest non-union construction project of the time, a huge crystal fortress. Here, Clark learns of his true origins from the image of Don Vito Corleone, who has politely removed the cotton from his mouth in order to be understood. From here, Clark has suddenly donned tights and a cape and flies away. Now, here is where it gets odd. We are supposed to buy that he took a journalism course in high school...that or Vito provided him with college transcripts during that whole time near Santa, for he is now working for the Daily Planet in Manhattan clone Metropolis.
Here he meets his boss, cantankerous Perry White, along with whiny cub reporter Jimmy Olsen and grammatically challenged yet bitchy Lois Lane whose personality resembles Lucy Van Pelt's at first. He foils a mugger as Clark by catching a bullet, but covers by pretending he fainted. Later, as Lois is heading up in a chopper from a rooftop for an interview, there is a malfunction and Lois is left hanging over the building. Clark sees this, then uses a revolving door to change into his tights and cape and rescues Lois. He then foils a burglar, captures armed bandits on a boat, then rescues a cat. He later (in remastered versions) tells Vito all about it, and Vito warns him about people needing him for everything. He then allows Lois to interview him and takes her on a love theme-filled ride in the sky.
Meanwhile, genius yet vain Lex Luthor is planning to destroy rich coastal California so that his buy-up of worthless desert land will become prosperous. He learns of Superman and steals Kryptonite from a display, as well as reprograms missiles to hit California and, just for fun, Hackensack. Lex lures Lois's dub Superman to his lair, hits him with the Kryptonite, and leaves him for dead until his moll Eve Teshmacher rescues him out of kindness. Superman then retrieves the Hackensack missile first because he promised Eve, then sees the destruction from the second missile and races to undo the damage. However, Lois is a victim of the resulting earthquake and dies. Superman in his grief proceeds to use sci fi theory to reverse the Earth's rotation to turn back time to retrieve the second missile and take it to explode in space, saving Lois. He then takes Lex and clumsy henchman Otis to prison...no trial of course, because hey, after 2+ hours, viewers don't want to go through jury selection.
Pros: acting, music, special effects
Con: Character establishment takes too long and we don't meet the main villain until about halfway through.
What I also like here is that Superman is genuinely good, like most superheroes of those times. It wasn't until Tim Burton's 1989 "Batman" that we started to see the dark sides of our favorite heroes. The latest Superman movies turn my stomach and make me want to see the 1978 classic again to remember that it is all writer/director/producer interpretation, and I prefer thew one I just described.
Up up and away...to Superman 2 later!
One of the channels had a Superman marathon going, albeit with ads. In this case, the end of Superman 2 was on. Luckily for me, we have the first two movies on disc, so I pulled it out (the MOVIE you filthy-minded minx!). Actually, we have the original Superman 2 AND the Donner cut, more on that later.
Whenever I watch one of the Christopher Reeve Superman movies, I am reminded of how good those flicks were. It is actually amazing they were made at all given the production history dating back to 1973. So many actors were approached or did approach to audition. The writing also had an interesting history, including a 500+ page draft by Mario Corleone, er Puzo. Christopher Reeve was actually a soap actor before that, not nearly as known as his other contestants for the role.
So the question is, what makes the Reeve Superman films good? Well, for starters, he was a good actor and played the superhero and his alter ego Clark Kent quite well, in fact sometimes too well. Before those movies, the only screen Superman we knew was the 1950s series with George Reeves. George played his Clark Kent with a little more confidence, though his midsection spoke of a few too many cheap Vegas prime rib meals. Christopher Reeve, on the other hand, actually worked out to gain muscle weight for the part. His Clark Kent was quite deliberately clumsy and shy while his Superman was strong, friendly (to the good guys), and confident.
Next, we have the music. Orchestra master John Williams created yet another of his soundtrack masterpieces with the Superman theme as well as the Lois Lane love theme. That man has contributed much to the memorable movie music motifs in the past 40 years!
Add to that the clever casting of Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor. Hackman has generally been known for serious roles for most of his career. His turns as Luthor showed that playing a megalomaniacal villain with a slightly humorous edge was another strength. Then there's Ned Beatty, who usually played opposite Burt Reynolds as a friend or foe in several 70s flicks, as Luthor's bumbling lackey Otis. As for Margot Kidder as Lois Lane, I've been on the fence about her portrayal, to tell the truth. She wasn't so much portrayed as a hard-news reporter as one who couldn't spell well. Of course, we also have Marlon Brando as Jor-El, the Kryptonian scientist whose theories were often refused.
All right, we covered the basics, now let's get to the actual movies so as to discuss plot.
Superman (1978)
The movie starts out with a strange opening of a kid opening a comic book, then a dissolve to the Daily Planet building (looking 30s/40s retro) before the opening credits. We are then introduced to the crystal-laden planet of Krypton where the kangaroo court trial of three criminals takes place, followed by a quick sentencing into a contraption that looks like Satan's Polaroid. We then get to the destruction of Krypton. Luckily, his parents send baby Kal-El away (mother tearful, father stone-facedly trying to forget his legal problems over "Last Tango in Paris") on what looks to be a K-Mart $2 Christmas ornament.
We then see him land on Earth in a Kansas-ish field. He is found and adopted by the Kents , an already middle aged couple, and dubbed Clark.Within a minute, Clark is an awkward teenager ostracized by his peers save for sweet Lana Lang after football practice. Clark immediately hits the general store and buys some feed, a Coke, and an AR 15 to wipe out his tormentors. No, seriously, he decides to practice his super speed and race home. After a fatherly admonition from Pa Kent, Pa Kent has a heart attack and dies. Clark then starts hearing things and discovers a green crystal in the barn. Somehow he can understand it and he travels north, leaving poor Ma Kent in the hands of unsympathetic farm bankers.
As he gets north of the Arctic Circle (we assume), he throws the green crystal, which starts the most incredible and fastest non-union construction project of the time, a huge crystal fortress. Here, Clark learns of his true origins from the image of Don Vito Corleone, who has politely removed the cotton from his mouth in order to be understood. From here, Clark has suddenly donned tights and a cape and flies away. Now, here is where it gets odd. We are supposed to buy that he took a journalism course in high school...that or Vito provided him with college transcripts during that whole time near Santa, for he is now working for the Daily Planet in Manhattan clone Metropolis.
Here he meets his boss, cantankerous Perry White, along with whiny cub reporter Jimmy Olsen and grammatically challenged yet bitchy Lois Lane whose personality resembles Lucy Van Pelt's at first. He foils a mugger as Clark by catching a bullet, but covers by pretending he fainted. Later, as Lois is heading up in a chopper from a rooftop for an interview, there is a malfunction and Lois is left hanging over the building. Clark sees this, then uses a revolving door to change into his tights and cape and rescues Lois. He then foils a burglar, captures armed bandits on a boat, then rescues a cat. He later (in remastered versions) tells Vito all about it, and Vito warns him about people needing him for everything. He then allows Lois to interview him and takes her on a love theme-filled ride in the sky.
Meanwhile, genius yet vain Lex Luthor is planning to destroy rich coastal California so that his buy-up of worthless desert land will become prosperous. He learns of Superman and steals Kryptonite from a display, as well as reprograms missiles to hit California and, just for fun, Hackensack. Lex lures Lois's dub Superman to his lair, hits him with the Kryptonite, and leaves him for dead until his moll Eve Teshmacher rescues him out of kindness. Superman then retrieves the Hackensack missile first because he promised Eve, then sees the destruction from the second missile and races to undo the damage. However, Lois is a victim of the resulting earthquake and dies. Superman in his grief proceeds to use sci fi theory to reverse the Earth's rotation to turn back time to retrieve the second missile and take it to explode in space, saving Lois. He then takes Lex and clumsy henchman Otis to prison...no trial of course, because hey, after 2+ hours, viewers don't want to go through jury selection.
Pros: acting, music, special effects
Con: Character establishment takes too long and we don't meet the main villain until about halfway through.
What I also like here is that Superman is genuinely good, like most superheroes of those times. It wasn't until Tim Burton's 1989 "Batman" that we started to see the dark sides of our favorite heroes. The latest Superman movies turn my stomach and make me want to see the 1978 classic again to remember that it is all writer/director/producer interpretation, and I prefer thew one I just described.
Up up and away...to Superman 2 later!
Monday, February 25, 2019
This just in....Don't Put that In!
Bulletin!
This just in. The Commission of Healthy Eating, as founded by Raymond Burr, has determined that the best course for a healthy body is to douse everything, and we mean EVERYTHING you eat, in vinegar as well as carbonated water. Plain tea is allowed as a substitute for the water. This will ensure the best quality body that you can attain! After all, Lord Byron did it!
Special news update!
Forget that vinegar crap! Our prized inventor Sylvester Graham has issued a suggestion (and we make ALL suggestions social law!) to eat lots of whole grains and raw foods based on vegetables. Plus, the guy is hawking his own crackers, so buy buy buy!
This just in! Drop everything, including your drawers!
Forget Graham, he ended up being a total crackpot as well as a major cracker! Horace Fletcher, whoever he is, maybe he was on Hollywood Squares once, wants us to Fletcherize. No, it doesn't involve puking, but rather chewing your food to that consistency, roughly 32 times per bite. And, to save money, eat only when hungry! You may be so tired of chewing that you'll drop eating entirely, saving you LOTS of money.
Holy Ford Pinto! It's Calories!
Have you ever heard of Lulu Hunt Peters? Neither have we! Yet, she has a revolutionary idea. What makes it revolutionary? It made us walk around the office building several times trying to figure out why we keep falling for this crap! Anyway, Ms Peters has invented calories, an imaginary set of numbers calculated by rolling 10 dice and counting the total, and attributed to random foods. For example, an Oreo could be 1 calorie, and a carrot stick could be 47 calories! Always remember, the less calories you eat, the more healthy you will be. Because we believe every screwball that comes up with a health idea as we can't think for ourselves. Who wants to? Thinkers aren't cool.
Extraordinary news!
Some jerk at a cigarette company makes the really cool suggestion for ladies to reach for a cigarette instead of sweets! Awesome sauce, we love lung cancer as an alternative to love handles, groovy!
A Must-See! Stay Tuned!
Forget the cancer sticks, ladies, that was a pretty stupid idea that we recommended simply because money corrupts us. This new idea is so cool that you'll feel and look great almost instantly. Don't eat a meal, DRINK a meal! Yes sir (or ma'am), thanks to a guy named Dr. Stoll, who knows everything because he's a DOCTOR,you can now have your fruits, veggies, and proteins pulverized together into one disgusting-looking beverage. Who cares what it looks like, right? Just get yourself a blender and liquefy away. Be like the rest of the sheep and be happy!
Disregard previous bulletin!
Eat grapefruit or grapefruit juice with every meal to burn that ugly uncool fat! It's the Hollywood thing, and we know our Hollywood heroes are the best ever! We'd even go to hotel rooms to be with them with no question! Oh some geek is trying to get us to eat cabbage soup, but we all know cabbage makes us fart and that's not the American way! Go Hollywood!
Emergency Alert!
Our President has just had a heart attack! Upon quick research consisting of asking his wife for 5 minutes, we have discovered that he was eating a LOT of saturated fats!That HAS to be the cause right? Of course it is, we believe anything! So, eat margarine instead. Granted that margarine is next to plastic molecule-wise, but at least it's not evil saturated natural foods! Save yourselves, eat the plastic on your bread and potatoes!
Now hear this! Diet soda!
You have no idea of exciting this is! I almost tossed my salad just upon the first words! There is now something called diet soda! No more unnecessary sugar to get my carbonation intake, now I can have something with a sugar substitute that may or may not deter my health. I can drink loads of this stuff and not gain any weight whatsoever! Hand me that 6-pack of Tab, I'm a-binging!
Dang, another cool fad? We're in!
We just met with some barfly named "Dr" Atkins. He has some really neato idea that you can take in a LOT of protein and fats and eat less carbs. My friend Bryan and his fiancee Vickie are doing this diet before their wedding, I bet they'll look great!
Detox? Delightful!
Holy mother of Adam West! We can have a lot of liquefied fruits and veggies. Why, you say! After all this came up before, but now they say we can DETOX our bodies with this torture, so let's do it! They say our bodies can detox themselves, but they're not COOL like us! And we all want to be cool and healthy and popular, right?
This crap just in, no more eggs!
Throw away those eggs! They have FAT in them! We HATE FAT!!! Fat is a communist! Fat is the devil! Fat is Jeff Probst! Fat is- oh yeah, sorry, EGGS HAVE FAT! Get egg substitute instead, it contains more crap than actual eggs, but that's ok because the substitute has little to no fat, and if it has a little, just do 4000 squats to burn the gram off!
Alert alert! Gerber is our savior!
Finally we have it, the ultimate healthy diet! Eat baby food, 14 jars of it, each day along with maybe an adult dinner. This is the best! People at the store keep asking how old my child is, but I just say I am eating better than them because I am cool and popular! Granted the mushiness can be unpleasant, but I just know this will work for me...I know it...I think...hmm...
Free yourselves folks, free yourselves.
This just in. The Commission of Healthy Eating, as founded by Raymond Burr, has determined that the best course for a healthy body is to douse everything, and we mean EVERYTHING you eat, in vinegar as well as carbonated water. Plain tea is allowed as a substitute for the water. This will ensure the best quality body that you can attain! After all, Lord Byron did it!
Special news update!
Forget that vinegar crap! Our prized inventor Sylvester Graham has issued a suggestion (and we make ALL suggestions social law!) to eat lots of whole grains and raw foods based on vegetables. Plus, the guy is hawking his own crackers, so buy buy buy!
This just in! Drop everything, including your drawers!
Forget Graham, he ended up being a total crackpot as well as a major cracker! Horace Fletcher, whoever he is, maybe he was on Hollywood Squares once, wants us to Fletcherize. No, it doesn't involve puking, but rather chewing your food to that consistency, roughly 32 times per bite. And, to save money, eat only when hungry! You may be so tired of chewing that you'll drop eating entirely, saving you LOTS of money.
Holy Ford Pinto! It's Calories!
Have you ever heard of Lulu Hunt Peters? Neither have we! Yet, she has a revolutionary idea. What makes it revolutionary? It made us walk around the office building several times trying to figure out why we keep falling for this crap! Anyway, Ms Peters has invented calories, an imaginary set of numbers calculated by rolling 10 dice and counting the total, and attributed to random foods. For example, an Oreo could be 1 calorie, and a carrot stick could be 47 calories! Always remember, the less calories you eat, the more healthy you will be. Because we believe every screwball that comes up with a health idea as we can't think for ourselves. Who wants to? Thinkers aren't cool.
Extraordinary news!
Some jerk at a cigarette company makes the really cool suggestion for ladies to reach for a cigarette instead of sweets! Awesome sauce, we love lung cancer as an alternative to love handles, groovy!
A Must-See! Stay Tuned!
Forget the cancer sticks, ladies, that was a pretty stupid idea that we recommended simply because money corrupts us. This new idea is so cool that you'll feel and look great almost instantly. Don't eat a meal, DRINK a meal! Yes sir (or ma'am), thanks to a guy named Dr. Stoll, who knows everything because he's a DOCTOR,you can now have your fruits, veggies, and proteins pulverized together into one disgusting-looking beverage. Who cares what it looks like, right? Just get yourself a blender and liquefy away. Be like the rest of the sheep and be happy!
Disregard previous bulletin!
Eat grapefruit or grapefruit juice with every meal to burn that ugly uncool fat! It's the Hollywood thing, and we know our Hollywood heroes are the best ever! We'd even go to hotel rooms to be with them with no question! Oh some geek is trying to get us to eat cabbage soup, but we all know cabbage makes us fart and that's not the American way! Go Hollywood!
Emergency Alert!
Our President has just had a heart attack! Upon quick research consisting of asking his wife for 5 minutes, we have discovered that he was eating a LOT of saturated fats!That HAS to be the cause right? Of course it is, we believe anything! So, eat margarine instead. Granted that margarine is next to plastic molecule-wise, but at least it's not evil saturated natural foods! Save yourselves, eat the plastic on your bread and potatoes!
Now hear this! Diet soda!
You have no idea of exciting this is! I almost tossed my salad just upon the first words! There is now something called diet soda! No more unnecessary sugar to get my carbonation intake, now I can have something with a sugar substitute that may or may not deter my health. I can drink loads of this stuff and not gain any weight whatsoever! Hand me that 6-pack of Tab, I'm a-binging!
Dang, another cool fad? We're in!
We just met with some barfly named "Dr" Atkins. He has some really neato idea that you can take in a LOT of protein and fats and eat less carbs. My friend Bryan and his fiancee Vickie are doing this diet before their wedding, I bet they'll look great!
Detox? Delightful!
Holy mother of Adam West! We can have a lot of liquefied fruits and veggies. Why, you say! After all this came up before, but now they say we can DETOX our bodies with this torture, so let's do it! They say our bodies can detox themselves, but they're not COOL like us! And we all want to be cool and healthy and popular, right?
This crap just in, no more eggs!
Throw away those eggs! They have FAT in them! We HATE FAT!!! Fat is a communist! Fat is the devil! Fat is Jeff Probst! Fat is- oh yeah, sorry, EGGS HAVE FAT! Get egg substitute instead, it contains more crap than actual eggs, but that's ok because the substitute has little to no fat, and if it has a little, just do 4000 squats to burn the gram off!
Alert alert! Gerber is our savior!
Finally we have it, the ultimate healthy diet! Eat baby food, 14 jars of it, each day along with maybe an adult dinner. This is the best! People at the store keep asking how old my child is, but I just say I am eating better than them because I am cool and popular! Granted the mushiness can be unpleasant, but I just know this will work for me...I know it...I think...hmm...
Free yourselves folks, free yourselves.
Thursday, February 21, 2019
Tucker's Tale part 2: Halloween
When last we left Mr. Price, the poor bastard had been intellectually assaulted by the parents of little Fucker...er Tucker on Meet n Greet Day.
Since then, he has been challenged daily for pretty much anything that could be harmful physically, emotionally, or psychologically for Tucker by his parents...in other words, his daily existence.
Now we jump forward to Halloween. Mr. Price has almost been dreading this, for it is the first "holiday" of the school year. It is after school, the day before Nevada Day. Price has already made a reservation for a bar stool at a watering hole near his home. Just as he is gathering papers to take home and grade (perhaps burn), in comes Tucker's mom. Price has had many conversations with her, and has concluded that she is a perfect combination of snowflake, raisin, and a brick wall.
"Mr. Price!"
Shit. "Yes, ma'am. How nice to see you again this week."
"I was here yesterday, too."
I had almost blocked that out, thanks for the reminder! "Of course. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I have some concerns."
"Ma'am, I cannot do anything about the cafeteria menu. If it says broccoli, Tucker will just have to deal with it."
The mom laughs. "Oh dear no. We had a long conversation about that with Tucker. He understands."
"Oh, he knows it is broccoli and not wittle twees?"
"Dear no, he just understands that the world is not as smart as he is."
"Well he certainly is on another intellectual plane. Speaking of which, the kids took that test that you tried to get canceled. I applaud your effort, but the governor had the final say."
The face crinkles, then breaks into a fake smile. "Oh really? And how did Tucker do?"
Price consults a chart. "Well, when he wasn't reaching for his handkerchief and emptying his brain cells into it, he had trouble with letter sounds and number values. Needless to say, when it came to reading passages and math computation, he flat-lined."
"What do you mean needless to say?"
"What I mean is that despite your husband's claim that Tucker will rise to the top and race to the 3rd grade by March, Tucker is operating at below a first grade level, and since he is in the 2nd grade, saying we have concerns is the century's understatement."
Tucker's mom sits down. "Mr. Price, I understand your concerns, but we have ours as well."
You should be concerned about when to start building the basement to stick that kid in when he flunks out. "Of course."
The gentle fake smile returns. "I have concerns about this Nevada Day. What is it?"
"Oh, instead of Columbus Day, we celebrate the day Nevada attained statehood."
"Hmm, I am not sure I agree with the idea."
"There's been about 8 weeks since Labor Day, so the kids, and teachers, need a little break, don't you think?"
She shakes her head. "Mr. Price, how will we ever get Tucker to grade level if these frivolous vacations keep coming up?"
"No idea. You have me there. Did you talk to the governor?"
"He won't return our calls anymore."
"Small wonder. Next concern."
A look of deep angst on a raisin. "Mr. Price, you sound as though you do not like our meetings."
"Ma'am, I do like meeting with parents to discuss academic concerns and how we can work together on the school AND home fronts. However, we talk and talk and never get anywhere because you do not want to get to the academics. You want to discuss ways to avoid helping Tucker at the very core of school."
"MR PRICE! I do NOT want to avoid ANYTHING!"
"You want to avoid any testing. Believe it or not, you actually won the battle in not getting him tested for special ed against our best advice. You are against weekly reading and math assessments. You are against grades in general. You are against the idea of competition. And now you are against a holiday that the kids and teachers look forward to."
Tucker's mom looks shocked and appalled, but then a surprising smile comes across her face. "Mr. Price, do you like being a teacher?"
"Of course." Before you raised my alcohol tolerance, that is.
"It seems that you might be happier in another profession, seeing that you cannot meet Tucker's needs."
Ooh, I can almost see what's coming. "Why, whatever do you mean?"
Tucker's mom looks at the closed door. "You really shouldn't close the door during a conference."
"You closed it when you entered."
"You can't prove that. Imagine what the administration would think if I accused you of...harassment?"
Price smiles back. "I think they'd find that quite unbelievable, ma'am." Many of them having met you, they'd find it an ice pond in hell of a chance.
"All I have to do is accuse."
"And all I have to do is play the tape of us talking today."
The smile gone once again. "You're...taping this?"
"Well, not TAPING per se, I'm not that ancient, but recording. In fact, since September I have been recording every single conference between you and me."
"W-w-w-w-why?"
"Insurance and transparency. Our talks are documented and I think that anyone will find that I have tried to cooperate with you on every issue. Now, can we get back to the topic of Tucker?"
Mr. Price has never seen anyone look so defeated, so he smiles and offers, "I know you want the best for him. We can't control the holidays, so let's focus on what we can change."
She looks doubtful, but shrugs and smiles. "All right, let's discuss Halloween."
"Excellent."
"What?"
"An excellent topic, I mean. Will Tucker dress up?"
"Oh dear YES!"
That's a fucking switch! "Oh good. What will he be?"
"Why himself, of course! He needs not disguise himself, he is so wonderful as he is."
Knew that was too good to be true. "Of course he is."
"Will there be a party?"
"We like to call them celebrations, but yes. Just in the afternoon. We'll watch something fun and educational while the kids eat from fruit and vegetable trays. I don't need diabetic comas, so no sweets."
Tucker's mom cracks a true smile. A friendly smile. Price is frightened. "Mr. Price, that is so wonderful!"
Price feels a small chill coming from below. Hell HAS frozen over! "Wow, I am glad we finally agree on something."
"Oh YES! OK, one last question and I will let you go."
The chill is full blown and Price feels the need for thick boots. "Go ahead."
"How can we help Tucker at home?"
To be continued...
Since then, he has been challenged daily for pretty much anything that could be harmful physically, emotionally, or psychologically for Tucker by his parents...in other words, his daily existence.
Now we jump forward to Halloween. Mr. Price has almost been dreading this, for it is the first "holiday" of the school year. It is after school, the day before Nevada Day. Price has already made a reservation for a bar stool at a watering hole near his home. Just as he is gathering papers to take home and grade (perhaps burn), in comes Tucker's mom. Price has had many conversations with her, and has concluded that she is a perfect combination of snowflake, raisin, and a brick wall.
"Mr. Price!"
Shit. "Yes, ma'am. How nice to see you again this week."
"I was here yesterday, too."
I had almost blocked that out, thanks for the reminder! "Of course. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I have some concerns."
"Ma'am, I cannot do anything about the cafeteria menu. If it says broccoli, Tucker will just have to deal with it."
The mom laughs. "Oh dear no. We had a long conversation about that with Tucker. He understands."
"Oh, he knows it is broccoli and not wittle twees?"
"Dear no, he just understands that the world is not as smart as he is."
"Well he certainly is on another intellectual plane. Speaking of which, the kids took that test that you tried to get canceled. I applaud your effort, but the governor had the final say."
The face crinkles, then breaks into a fake smile. "Oh really? And how did Tucker do?"
Price consults a chart. "Well, when he wasn't reaching for his handkerchief and emptying his brain cells into it, he had trouble with letter sounds and number values. Needless to say, when it came to reading passages and math computation, he flat-lined."
"What do you mean needless to say?"
"What I mean is that despite your husband's claim that Tucker will rise to the top and race to the 3rd grade by March, Tucker is operating at below a first grade level, and since he is in the 2nd grade, saying we have concerns is the century's understatement."
Tucker's mom sits down. "Mr. Price, I understand your concerns, but we have ours as well."
You should be concerned about when to start building the basement to stick that kid in when he flunks out. "Of course."
The gentle fake smile returns. "I have concerns about this Nevada Day. What is it?"
"Oh, instead of Columbus Day, we celebrate the day Nevada attained statehood."
"Hmm, I am not sure I agree with the idea."
"There's been about 8 weeks since Labor Day, so the kids, and teachers, need a little break, don't you think?"
She shakes her head. "Mr. Price, how will we ever get Tucker to grade level if these frivolous vacations keep coming up?"
"No idea. You have me there. Did you talk to the governor?"
"He won't return our calls anymore."
"Small wonder. Next concern."
A look of deep angst on a raisin. "Mr. Price, you sound as though you do not like our meetings."
"Ma'am, I do like meeting with parents to discuss academic concerns and how we can work together on the school AND home fronts. However, we talk and talk and never get anywhere because you do not want to get to the academics. You want to discuss ways to avoid helping Tucker at the very core of school."
"MR PRICE! I do NOT want to avoid ANYTHING!"
"You want to avoid any testing. Believe it or not, you actually won the battle in not getting him tested for special ed against our best advice. You are against weekly reading and math assessments. You are against grades in general. You are against the idea of competition. And now you are against a holiday that the kids and teachers look forward to."
Tucker's mom looks shocked and appalled, but then a surprising smile comes across her face. "Mr. Price, do you like being a teacher?"
"Of course." Before you raised my alcohol tolerance, that is.
"It seems that you might be happier in another profession, seeing that you cannot meet Tucker's needs."
Ooh, I can almost see what's coming. "Why, whatever do you mean?"
Tucker's mom looks at the closed door. "You really shouldn't close the door during a conference."
"You closed it when you entered."
"You can't prove that. Imagine what the administration would think if I accused you of...harassment?"
Price smiles back. "I think they'd find that quite unbelievable, ma'am." Many of them having met you, they'd find it an ice pond in hell of a chance.
"All I have to do is accuse."
"And all I have to do is play the tape of us talking today."
The smile gone once again. "You're...taping this?"
"Well, not TAPING per se, I'm not that ancient, but recording. In fact, since September I have been recording every single conference between you and me."
"W-w-w-w-why?"
"Insurance and transparency. Our talks are documented and I think that anyone will find that I have tried to cooperate with you on every issue. Now, can we get back to the topic of Tucker?"
Mr. Price has never seen anyone look so defeated, so he smiles and offers, "I know you want the best for him. We can't control the holidays, so let's focus on what we can change."
She looks doubtful, but shrugs and smiles. "All right, let's discuss Halloween."
"Excellent."
"What?"
"An excellent topic, I mean. Will Tucker dress up?"
"Oh dear YES!"
That's a fucking switch! "Oh good. What will he be?"
"Why himself, of course! He needs not disguise himself, he is so wonderful as he is."
Knew that was too good to be true. "Of course he is."
"Will there be a party?"
"We like to call them celebrations, but yes. Just in the afternoon. We'll watch something fun and educational while the kids eat from fruit and vegetable trays. I don't need diabetic comas, so no sweets."
Tucker's mom cracks a true smile. A friendly smile. Price is frightened. "Mr. Price, that is so wonderful!"
Price feels a small chill coming from below. Hell HAS frozen over! "Wow, I am glad we finally agree on something."
"Oh YES! OK, one last question and I will let you go."
The chill is full blown and Price feels the need for thick boots. "Go ahead."
"How can we help Tucker at home?"
To be continued...
Sunday, February 10, 2019
Tucker's Tale, part 1: Meet n Greet
Once upon a time, there was a teacher named Mr. Price. He was in the public school system for almost 40 years and had seen it all. He was educated and trained by east coast philosophies, namely, "snowflakes melt soon after contact" in combined modern form.
In his early years, the system was working well. He taught a general curriculum with little or no parental interference, the principal stayed in her office smoking and drinking, the school lunch was pretty edible, and the teacher lounge was a refuge for a little while each day during lunch or specials (art, music, gym).. Recess was a nice way to get outside for a bit. The movie projector or film strip projector or even the wheeled-in TV for a special viewing was a treat for Price as well as the kids. This went well into the 1980s and made the low pay almost ignorable.
Then in 2008 it was "meet n greet" time in late August. This was when roughly half the class showed up with their parents to give a false sense of security and wonderfulness that the coming year was about to bring. It was also a day when parents brought the necessary Kleenex to get the year off right.
In came a little redheaded boy with about 2 tons of snot running out of his nose, holding a plush purple elephant. He was followed by 2 of the most smiling parents one could ever imagine. As they entered, the parents began writing things down. Mr. Price was in the middle of talking with another parent over the math curriculum for 2nd grade and didn't notice the new trio at first.
Suddenly the dad stepped in the middle of the two and stuck out his hand. "Hi! I'm Tucker's dad!"
Price shook it, noticing the similarity of the hand to a trout he'd once caught. "Hi. Who's Tucker?"
"My son!"
"He's not on my roster."
"He was just registered this morning. We're from Healdsburg, California."
Price looked around Tucker's dad at the spurned parent to whom he had been speaking. "I look forward to seeing Nancy on Monday."
Nancy's mom smiled and nodded, turned, jiggled her ass a bit as (assumed) insurance for her daughter's grades, then left the classroom.
Price made a mental note to have regular conferences with her, then turned back to Tucker's fish, er father. "Healdsburg. Where is that?"
"North of San Francisco."
Price nodded, maintaining his prided ignorance of anything California related. So tell me about fucker."So tell me about Tucker."
Tucker's dad gushed. "Oh, he is such a wonderful child! You two will hit it off right away, I can just tell."
Price glanced at Tucker, whose snot had accumulated a pile at the listening center. Price smiled inwardly, grateful that his childhood days swimming in the sewage-tempered Schuylkill River made him immune against pretty much everything. "Can he read?"
"Oh, yes, he has almost mastered One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish!"
"Almost mastered...lovely. How about his math?"
"Well...he still struggles with anything above 20, but he can do 3+4 in about 8 seconds now."
Price coughed a hidden "ah shit" then smiled as gently as possible. "And they let him out of first grade just like that?"
The dad nodded a knowing nod. "I know, a lot of teachers think that is low, even his teacher wanted to put him back in Kindergarten for two years. Well, we fought them tooth and nail because we just know that he will thrive this year and make you want to send him to third before March," he added with a nervous giggle.
"Fought tooth and nail?"
"Oh yes, the administration along with the superintendent and the school board fought us hard. But, once we said we were moving east, all the resistance ended and they gave us their blessing."
At that point, Tucker's mom walked over to them. Price gave her a once-over with his eyes, and Nancy's mom definitely won out. "Mr. Price, I have just a few questions for you."
"Shoot."
She made a strange crinkled face. "Ugh, please don't say that word. It makes Tucker upset."
"Why?"
"There are no guns in our house, on our TV, or in any of our books."
"Rriigghht. Ask away."
The crinkle smoothed out quickly. "First, how do you celebrate achievement?"
"Well, we have a bulletin board that measures sight word progress, as well as math fact knowledge."
"Hmm." The crinkle returned. "That almost seems like promoting competition."
Yeah, seeing that half of the class is further than you might make you work your ass off more! "That's one opinion. Our admin supports it and most of the other teachers use it as well."
"Well, wouldn't it be better to make them all feel like winners? It supports self-esteem."
"Kind of like a no-score tee ball game, right?"
The crinkle erased again. "Exactly! It makes all of the kids happy."
"Once again, that's one take."
Tucker's mom was realizing she was not winning this one, at least not yet. "Fine. Also, I know it sounds strange, but..." She glanced at Tucker, wiping his nose on the math bulletin board. "I wonder if you could promise to not say," She paused then whispered "broccoli".
Californians! "If you give me a good reason."
"Well, when he was 3, we had that at dinner and he called them 'wittle twees'."
"Little trees. Yeah, ok, cute at 3 years old."
The crinkles not only returned but multiplied. "Herb, help me here!"
The newly named Herb placed an 'I got this, honey' hand on his wife's flat chest. "No, Mr. Price, she means wittle twees. It was just so cute and we didn't want to confuse him as he got older. You do understand, right?"
"To be honest, no. But I don't have to. If the b word accidentally slips out during a discussion of growing vegetables, it slips out. The lunch room serves it fairly regularly and the menu does NOT say 'wittle twees'."
The mom retained her crinkles. "I will have a talk with the lunch lady about this. I am sure she will understand."
In a pig's ass. "Maybe. Now, before you go, did you happen to bring any tissues? We like to keep a good supply for the cold months as well as allergies."
Dad replied, "No. Tissues promote waste. He uses a handkerchief at all times."
"Huh. Does he have one now?"
"Oh no, he forgot his when we left. He'll have it on Monday."
Before then I will have spent all fucking weekend Clorox-wiped everything he got near. "Fine. Just by curiosity does he use toilet paper?"
"Yes, why?"
"Just taking a survey. Well, if that's all, I have a doctor's appointment in 25 minutes."
Mom looked at her Apple Watch. "But Meet and Greet is supposed to go until 3. It's only 11:00."
Shit, I tried. "Oh, I got my times mixed up. Anything else?"
"Yes. I see that you have your desks set up in rows and columns."
Good eyesight. "And?"
"Well, wouldn't partnerships or cooperative groups be a better way to start?"
"Oh. I form those later when I have a good sense of the class personalities and academic levels."
Mom kept the attempted icy stare with fixed smile on him. "How much later?"
"A week, maybe 2 or 3."
Mom's face now resembled an old California raisin ad from the 80s. "But that will hurt Tucker so badly."
"Not at all. Wait until he gets to know me."
Mom tried to look haughty while Dad kept a frightened silence. "We will see, Mr. Price. We will see if you are blessed with him long enough. Goodbye."
In his early years, the system was working well. He taught a general curriculum with little or no parental interference, the principal stayed in her office smoking and drinking, the school lunch was pretty edible, and the teacher lounge was a refuge for a little while each day during lunch or specials (art, music, gym).. Recess was a nice way to get outside for a bit. The movie projector or film strip projector or even the wheeled-in TV for a special viewing was a treat for Price as well as the kids. This went well into the 1980s and made the low pay almost ignorable.
Then in 2008 it was "meet n greet" time in late August. This was when roughly half the class showed up with their parents to give a false sense of security and wonderfulness that the coming year was about to bring. It was also a day when parents brought the necessary Kleenex to get the year off right.
In came a little redheaded boy with about 2 tons of snot running out of his nose, holding a plush purple elephant. He was followed by 2 of the most smiling parents one could ever imagine. As they entered, the parents began writing things down. Mr. Price was in the middle of talking with another parent over the math curriculum for 2nd grade and didn't notice the new trio at first.
Suddenly the dad stepped in the middle of the two and stuck out his hand. "Hi! I'm Tucker's dad!"
Price shook it, noticing the similarity of the hand to a trout he'd once caught. "Hi. Who's Tucker?"
"My son!"
"He's not on my roster."
"He was just registered this morning. We're from Healdsburg, California."
Price looked around Tucker's dad at the spurned parent to whom he had been speaking. "I look forward to seeing Nancy on Monday."
Nancy's mom smiled and nodded, turned, jiggled her ass a bit as (assumed) insurance for her daughter's grades, then left the classroom.
Price made a mental note to have regular conferences with her, then turned back to Tucker's fish, er father. "Healdsburg. Where is that?"
"North of San Francisco."
Price nodded, maintaining his prided ignorance of anything California related. So tell me about fucker."So tell me about Tucker."
Tucker's dad gushed. "Oh, he is such a wonderful child! You two will hit it off right away, I can just tell."
Price glanced at Tucker, whose snot had accumulated a pile at the listening center. Price smiled inwardly, grateful that his childhood days swimming in the sewage-tempered Schuylkill River made him immune against pretty much everything. "Can he read?"
"Oh, yes, he has almost mastered One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish!"
"Almost mastered...lovely. How about his math?"
"Well...he still struggles with anything above 20, but he can do 3+4 in about 8 seconds now."
Price coughed a hidden "ah shit" then smiled as gently as possible. "And they let him out of first grade just like that?"
The dad nodded a knowing nod. "I know, a lot of teachers think that is low, even his teacher wanted to put him back in Kindergarten for two years. Well, we fought them tooth and nail because we just know that he will thrive this year and make you want to send him to third before March," he added with a nervous giggle.
"Fought tooth and nail?"
"Oh yes, the administration along with the superintendent and the school board fought us hard. But, once we said we were moving east, all the resistance ended and they gave us their blessing."
At that point, Tucker's mom walked over to them. Price gave her a once-over with his eyes, and Nancy's mom definitely won out. "Mr. Price, I have just a few questions for you."
"Shoot."
She made a strange crinkled face. "Ugh, please don't say that word. It makes Tucker upset."
"Why?"
"There are no guns in our house, on our TV, or in any of our books."
"Rriigghht. Ask away."
The crinkle smoothed out quickly. "First, how do you celebrate achievement?"
"Well, we have a bulletin board that measures sight word progress, as well as math fact knowledge."
"Hmm." The crinkle returned. "That almost seems like promoting competition."
Yeah, seeing that half of the class is further than you might make you work your ass off more! "That's one opinion. Our admin supports it and most of the other teachers use it as well."
"Well, wouldn't it be better to make them all feel like winners? It supports self-esteem."
"Kind of like a no-score tee ball game, right?"
The crinkle erased again. "Exactly! It makes all of the kids happy."
"Once again, that's one take."
Tucker's mom was realizing she was not winning this one, at least not yet. "Fine. Also, I know it sounds strange, but..." She glanced at Tucker, wiping his nose on the math bulletin board. "I wonder if you could promise to not say," She paused then whispered "broccoli".
Californians! "If you give me a good reason."
"Well, when he was 3, we had that at dinner and he called them 'wittle twees'."
"Little trees. Yeah, ok, cute at 3 years old."
The crinkles not only returned but multiplied. "Herb, help me here!"
The newly named Herb placed an 'I got this, honey' hand on his wife's flat chest. "No, Mr. Price, she means wittle twees. It was just so cute and we didn't want to confuse him as he got older. You do understand, right?"
"To be honest, no. But I don't have to. If the b word accidentally slips out during a discussion of growing vegetables, it slips out. The lunch room serves it fairly regularly and the menu does NOT say 'wittle twees'."
The mom retained her crinkles. "I will have a talk with the lunch lady about this. I am sure she will understand."
In a pig's ass. "Maybe. Now, before you go, did you happen to bring any tissues? We like to keep a good supply for the cold months as well as allergies."
Dad replied, "No. Tissues promote waste. He uses a handkerchief at all times."
"Huh. Does he have one now?"
"Oh no, he forgot his when we left. He'll have it on Monday."
Before then I will have spent all fucking weekend Clorox-wiped everything he got near. "Fine. Just by curiosity does he use toilet paper?"
"Yes, why?"
"Just taking a survey. Well, if that's all, I have a doctor's appointment in 25 minutes."
Mom looked at her Apple Watch. "But Meet and Greet is supposed to go until 3. It's only 11:00."
Shit, I tried. "Oh, I got my times mixed up. Anything else?"
"Yes. I see that you have your desks set up in rows and columns."
Good eyesight. "And?"
"Well, wouldn't partnerships or cooperative groups be a better way to start?"
"Oh. I form those later when I have a good sense of the class personalities and academic levels."
Mom kept the attempted icy stare with fixed smile on him. "How much later?"
"A week, maybe 2 or 3."
Mom's face now resembled an old California raisin ad from the 80s. "But that will hurt Tucker so badly."
"Not at all. Wait until he gets to know me."
Mom tried to look haughty while Dad kept a frightened silence. "We will see, Mr. Price. We will see if you are blessed with him long enough. Goodbye."
Thursday, January 31, 2019
You Only Live Twice
Let's see...Dr Delighted is on the lam, it's the end of January, it must be time for the type of post that people roll their eyelashes about. Yep, it is BOOK REVIEW TIME!
I have read most of the original James Bond novels, except the ones that put me to sleep (Moonraker and Thunderball being the 2). For those who think that the books are as packed with action as the films, well, you're a dipshit! The books are fairly dry at times. Ian Fleming could be quite verbose in his descriptive paragraphs.
The books, in order, are as follows: Casino Royale, Live and Let Die, Moonraker (yawn), Diamonds Are Forever, From Russia With Love, Doctor No, Goldfinger, For Your Eyes Only (a short story collection), Thunderball (yawn), The Spy Who Loved Me (a Bond story written from a female's point of view), On Her Majesty's Secret Service, You Only Live Twice, and The Man With The Golden Gun (only the first draft was done before Fleming's death in 1964).
Today's selection is one of my personal favorites, You Only Live Twice. Published in 1964, it is known as the last part of the "Blofeld Trilogy". Ernst Stavro Blofeld is James Bond's nemesis in the later novels, and is the head of SPECTRE (Special Executive for Counterintelligence, Terrorism, Revenge, and Extortion).
In the beginning of the novel, James Bond is at the end of his rope, and almost the end of his days as a British agent. He heavily drinking and is still grieving over the death of his wife Tracy at Blofeld's hand at the end of On Her Majesty's Secret Service, and his screwing up even the easiest of assignments. His boss M wants to fire him, but the Service shrink convinces him to give Bond one more chance with a mission so seemingly impossible that it will bring Bond out of the dumps.
With that, Bond is transferred to the diplomatic section with a new number (7777) and assigned the task of traveling to Japan to convince the head of secret service Tiger Tanaka to let the British secret service borrow "Magic 44", a recorder of radio transmissions from the then-Soviet Union. When Bond's offers of trade fall short (the Japanese already has what he offers), Bond offers any personal service he may render.
This perks up Tanaka's attention, and he takes Bond up on his offer with a mission of murder. He tells Bond a tale regarding Japan's high rate of suicide,a practice to regain family honor. Before Bond's arrival, a foreigner under the name of Dr. Shatterhand had arrived in Japan and took up residence on the island of Kyushu at a rebuilt ancient castle. Dr Shatterhand has constructed a "garden of death", which is drawing in more Japanese citizens to commit suicide, which is somehow a political embarrassment.
To infiltrate Shatterhand's castle, Bond must become Japanese in every way possible, though he is tall for a Japanese. Along the way, the reader learns a bit about Japanese culture, particularly the low social standing of women. On the way to Kyushu, Bond and Tanaka are tailed. Upon the tail's apprehension, photos are obtained of Shatterhand and his wife. When Bond sees these, he realizes that Shatterhand and his wife are Ernst Stavro Blofeld and his ugly wife Irma Bunt.
Now Bond is on a mission of revenge. He poses as a Japanese coal miner and takes a Japanese wife Kissy Suzuki to retain his cover. Later, while infiltrating the castle, he apprehended and Irma Bunt sees through his dyed skin.
He narrowly escapes a murder attempt and has a quite interesting dialogue with Blofeld, the latter of whom explains all of his former crimes as acts of ironic humanity. Blofeld tires of what he sees as a feeble mind in Bond, and engages his adversary in a duel of sword vs wooden staff. Blofeld is quite expert at the sword, but Bond's revenge will is stronger and he strangles Blofeld to death with all the murderous rage in the world. Bond then blows up the castle and, while escaping, suffers a head injury and gets amnesia.
Kissy tries to use this situation to keep Bond to himself. They sleep together and she gets pregnant, but Bond keeps dreaming of Russia and travels there to find out who he is, while the British community believes their prized agent dead.
This is a great read, and the occasional travelogue paragraphs regarding Japan do not interfere much. Tiger Tanaka is an engaging roguish character. To me, though, the star is Blofeld, who has self-admittedly grown mad with power over the years. He is certainly the most enduring of Bond's foes.
Which brings me to the 1967 film version. It was an entirely new story with little of the novel used except for characters. Roald Dahl himself wrote the script. Blofeld had been in previous films, but never seen except for a hand petting a white Persian cat. This was the first film where he was seen fully, portrayed by eternally creepy Donald Pleasance. In the film, SPECTRE is trying to start a war between the U.S. and the Soviet Union by capturing their spacecraft using a Jaws-like spacecraft of their own, making it seem like each other had done the deed. Bond, with Tiger's and Kissy's help, infiltrates SPECTRE's volcano base with ninjas and foils their plans. Blofeld escapes to fight another day in 2 more films (On Her Majesty's Secret Service, which closely follows the book for a change, and Diamonds Are Forever).
This is one of my favorites. It is cheesy at times and Sean Connery looks bored playing Bond, but hey, Connery reading a SHOPPING LIST is still Connery!
Overall, both stories are great, but the book version takes the top as it humanizes Bond on several levels. I recommend the books always as source material, but advise against using the movie as a reference too much.
I have read most of the original James Bond novels, except the ones that put me to sleep (Moonraker and Thunderball being the 2). For those who think that the books are as packed with action as the films, well, you're a dipshit! The books are fairly dry at times. Ian Fleming could be quite verbose in his descriptive paragraphs.
The books, in order, are as follows: Casino Royale, Live and Let Die, Moonraker (yawn), Diamonds Are Forever, From Russia With Love, Doctor No, Goldfinger, For Your Eyes Only (a short story collection), Thunderball (yawn), The Spy Who Loved Me (a Bond story written from a female's point of view), On Her Majesty's Secret Service, You Only Live Twice, and The Man With The Golden Gun (only the first draft was done before Fleming's death in 1964).
Today's selection is one of my personal favorites, You Only Live Twice. Published in 1964, it is known as the last part of the "Blofeld Trilogy". Ernst Stavro Blofeld is James Bond's nemesis in the later novels, and is the head of SPECTRE (Special Executive for Counterintelligence, Terrorism, Revenge, and Extortion).
In the beginning of the novel, James Bond is at the end of his rope, and almost the end of his days as a British agent. He heavily drinking and is still grieving over the death of his wife Tracy at Blofeld's hand at the end of On Her Majesty's Secret Service, and his screwing up even the easiest of assignments. His boss M wants to fire him, but the Service shrink convinces him to give Bond one more chance with a mission so seemingly impossible that it will bring Bond out of the dumps.
With that, Bond is transferred to the diplomatic section with a new number (7777) and assigned the task of traveling to Japan to convince the head of secret service Tiger Tanaka to let the British secret service borrow "Magic 44", a recorder of radio transmissions from the then-Soviet Union. When Bond's offers of trade fall short (the Japanese already has what he offers), Bond offers any personal service he may render.
This perks up Tanaka's attention, and he takes Bond up on his offer with a mission of murder. He tells Bond a tale regarding Japan's high rate of suicide,a practice to regain family honor. Before Bond's arrival, a foreigner under the name of Dr. Shatterhand had arrived in Japan and took up residence on the island of Kyushu at a rebuilt ancient castle. Dr Shatterhand has constructed a "garden of death", which is drawing in more Japanese citizens to commit suicide, which is somehow a political embarrassment.
To infiltrate Shatterhand's castle, Bond must become Japanese in every way possible, though he is tall for a Japanese. Along the way, the reader learns a bit about Japanese culture, particularly the low social standing of women. On the way to Kyushu, Bond and Tanaka are tailed. Upon the tail's apprehension, photos are obtained of Shatterhand and his wife. When Bond sees these, he realizes that Shatterhand and his wife are Ernst Stavro Blofeld and his ugly wife Irma Bunt.
Now Bond is on a mission of revenge. He poses as a Japanese coal miner and takes a Japanese wife Kissy Suzuki to retain his cover. Later, while infiltrating the castle, he apprehended and Irma Bunt sees through his dyed skin.
He narrowly escapes a murder attempt and has a quite interesting dialogue with Blofeld, the latter of whom explains all of his former crimes as acts of ironic humanity. Blofeld tires of what he sees as a feeble mind in Bond, and engages his adversary in a duel of sword vs wooden staff. Blofeld is quite expert at the sword, but Bond's revenge will is stronger and he strangles Blofeld to death with all the murderous rage in the world. Bond then blows up the castle and, while escaping, suffers a head injury and gets amnesia.
Kissy tries to use this situation to keep Bond to himself. They sleep together and she gets pregnant, but Bond keeps dreaming of Russia and travels there to find out who he is, while the British community believes their prized agent dead.
This is a great read, and the occasional travelogue paragraphs regarding Japan do not interfere much. Tiger Tanaka is an engaging roguish character. To me, though, the star is Blofeld, who has self-admittedly grown mad with power over the years. He is certainly the most enduring of Bond's foes.
Which brings me to the 1967 film version. It was an entirely new story with little of the novel used except for characters. Roald Dahl himself wrote the script. Blofeld had been in previous films, but never seen except for a hand petting a white Persian cat. This was the first film where he was seen fully, portrayed by eternally creepy Donald Pleasance. In the film, SPECTRE is trying to start a war between the U.S. and the Soviet Union by capturing their spacecraft using a Jaws-like spacecraft of their own, making it seem like each other had done the deed. Bond, with Tiger's and Kissy's help, infiltrates SPECTRE's volcano base with ninjas and foils their plans. Blofeld escapes to fight another day in 2 more films (On Her Majesty's Secret Service, which closely follows the book for a change, and Diamonds Are Forever).
This is one of my favorites. It is cheesy at times and Sean Connery looks bored playing Bond, but hey, Connery reading a SHOPPING LIST is still Connery!
Overall, both stories are great, but the book version takes the top as it humanizes Bond on several levels. I recommend the books always as source material, but advise against using the movie as a reference too much.
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