Once upon a time, there was a teacher named Mr. Price. He was in the public school system for almost 40 years and had seen it all. He was educated and trained by east coast philosophies, namely, "snowflakes melt soon after contact" in combined modern form.
In his early years, the system was working well. He taught a general curriculum with little or no parental interference, the principal stayed in her office smoking and drinking, the school lunch was pretty edible, and the teacher lounge was a refuge for a little while each day during lunch or specials (art, music, gym).. Recess was a nice way to get outside for a bit. The movie projector or film strip projector or even the wheeled-in TV for a special viewing was a treat for Price as well as the kids. This went well into the 1980s and made the low pay almost ignorable.
Then in 2008 it was "meet n greet" time in late August. This was when roughly half the class showed up with their parents to give a false sense of security and wonderfulness that the coming year was about to bring. It was also a day when parents brought the necessary Kleenex to get the year off right.
In came a little redheaded boy with about 2 tons of snot running out of his nose, holding a plush purple elephant. He was followed by 2 of the most smiling parents one could ever imagine. As they entered, the parents began writing things down. Mr. Price was in the middle of talking with another parent over the math curriculum for 2nd grade and didn't notice the new trio at first.
Suddenly the dad stepped in the middle of the two and stuck out his hand. "Hi! I'm Tucker's dad!"
Price shook it, noticing the similarity of the hand to a trout he'd once caught. "Hi. Who's Tucker?"
"My son!"
"He's not on my roster."
"He was just registered this morning. We're from Healdsburg, California."
Price looked around Tucker's dad at the spurned parent to whom he had been speaking. "I look forward to seeing Nancy on Monday."
Nancy's mom smiled and nodded, turned, jiggled her ass a bit as (assumed) insurance for her daughter's grades, then left the classroom.
Price made a mental note to have regular conferences with her, then turned back to Tucker's fish, er father. "Healdsburg. Where is that?"
"North of San Francisco."
Price nodded, maintaining his prided ignorance of anything California related. So tell me about fucker."So tell me about Tucker."
Tucker's dad gushed. "Oh, he is such a wonderful child! You two will hit it off right away, I can just tell."
Price glanced at Tucker, whose snot had accumulated a pile at the listening center. Price smiled inwardly, grateful that his childhood days swimming in the sewage-tempered Schuylkill River made him immune against pretty much everything. "Can he read?"
"Oh, yes, he has almost mastered One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish!"
"Almost mastered...lovely. How about his math?"
"Well...he still struggles with anything above 20, but he can do 3+4 in about 8 seconds now."
Price coughed a hidden "ah shit" then smiled as gently as possible. "And they let him out of first grade just like that?"
The dad nodded a knowing nod. "I know, a lot of teachers think that is low, even his teacher wanted to put him back in Kindergarten for two years. Well, we fought them tooth and nail because we just know that he will thrive this year and make you want to send him to third before March," he added with a nervous giggle.
"Fought tooth and nail?"
"Oh yes, the administration along with the superintendent and the school board fought us hard. But, once we said we were moving east, all the resistance ended and they gave us their blessing."
At that point, Tucker's mom walked over to them. Price gave her a once-over with his eyes, and Nancy's mom definitely won out. "Mr. Price, I have just a few questions for you."
"Shoot."
She made a strange crinkled face. "Ugh, please don't say that word. It makes Tucker upset."
"Why?"
"There are no guns in our house, on our TV, or in any of our books."
"Rriigghht. Ask away."
The crinkle smoothed out quickly. "First, how do you celebrate achievement?"
"Well, we have a bulletin board that measures sight word progress, as well as math fact knowledge."
"Hmm." The crinkle returned. "That almost seems like promoting competition."
Yeah, seeing that half of the class is further than you might make you work your ass off more! "That's one opinion. Our admin supports it and most of the other teachers use it as well."
"Well, wouldn't it be better to make them all feel like winners? It supports self-esteem."
"Kind of like a no-score tee ball game, right?"
The crinkle erased again. "Exactly! It makes all of the kids happy."
"Once again, that's one take."
Tucker's mom was realizing she was not winning this one, at least not yet. "Fine. Also, I know it sounds strange, but..." She glanced at Tucker, wiping his nose on the math bulletin board. "I wonder if you could promise to not say," She paused then whispered "broccoli".
Californians! "If you give me a good reason."
"Well, when he was 3, we had that at dinner and he called them 'wittle twees'."
"Little trees. Yeah, ok, cute at 3 years old."
The crinkles not only returned but multiplied. "Herb, help me here!"
The newly named Herb placed an 'I got this, honey' hand on his wife's flat chest. "No, Mr. Price, she means wittle twees. It was just so cute and we didn't want to confuse him as he got older. You do understand, right?"
"To be honest, no. But I don't have to. If the b word accidentally slips out during a discussion of growing vegetables, it slips out. The lunch room serves it fairly regularly and the menu does NOT say 'wittle twees'."
The mom retained her crinkles. "I will have a talk with the lunch lady about this. I am sure she will understand."
In a pig's ass. "Maybe. Now, before you go, did you happen to bring any tissues? We like to keep a good supply for the cold months as well as allergies."
Dad replied, "No. Tissues promote waste. He uses a handkerchief at all times."
"Huh. Does he have one now?"
"Oh no, he forgot his when we left. He'll have it on Monday."
Before then I will have spent all fucking weekend Clorox-wiped everything he got near. "Fine. Just by curiosity does he use toilet paper?"
"Yes, why?"
"Just taking a survey. Well, if that's all, I have a doctor's appointment in 25 minutes."
Mom looked at her Apple Watch. "But Meet and Greet is supposed to go until 3. It's only 11:00."
Shit, I tried. "Oh, I got my times mixed up. Anything else?"
"Yes. I see that you have your desks set up in rows and columns."
Good eyesight. "And?"
"Well, wouldn't partnerships or cooperative groups be a better way to start?"
"Oh. I form those later when I have a good sense of the class personalities and academic levels."
Mom kept the attempted icy stare with fixed smile on him. "How much later?"
"A week, maybe 2 or 3."
Mom's face now resembled an old California raisin ad from the 80s. "But that will hurt Tucker so badly."
"Not at all. Wait until he gets to know me."
Mom tried to look haughty while Dad kept a frightened silence. "We will see, Mr. Price. We will see if you are blessed with him long enough. Goodbye."
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