Bulletin!
This just in. The Commission of Healthy Eating, as founded by Raymond Burr, has determined that the best course for a healthy body is to douse everything, and we mean EVERYTHING you eat, in vinegar as well as carbonated water. Plain tea is allowed as a substitute for the water. This will ensure the best quality body that you can attain! After all, Lord Byron did it!
Special news update!
Forget that vinegar crap! Our prized inventor Sylvester Graham has issued a suggestion (and we make ALL suggestions social law!) to eat lots of whole grains and raw foods based on vegetables. Plus, the guy is hawking his own crackers, so buy buy buy!
This just in! Drop everything, including your drawers!
Forget Graham, he ended up being a total crackpot as well as a major cracker! Horace Fletcher, whoever he is, maybe he was on Hollywood Squares once, wants us to Fletcherize. No, it doesn't involve puking, but rather chewing your food to that consistency, roughly 32 times per bite. And, to save money, eat only when hungry! You may be so tired of chewing that you'll drop eating entirely, saving you LOTS of money.
Holy Ford Pinto! It's Calories!
Have you ever heard of Lulu Hunt Peters? Neither have we! Yet, she has a revolutionary idea. What makes it revolutionary? It made us walk around the office building several times trying to figure out why we keep falling for this crap! Anyway, Ms Peters has invented calories, an imaginary set of numbers calculated by rolling 10 dice and counting the total, and attributed to random foods. For example, an Oreo could be 1 calorie, and a carrot stick could be 47 calories! Always remember, the less calories you eat, the more healthy you will be. Because we believe every screwball that comes up with a health idea as we can't think for ourselves. Who wants to? Thinkers aren't cool.
Extraordinary news!
Some jerk at a cigarette company makes the really cool suggestion for ladies to reach for a cigarette instead of sweets! Awesome sauce, we love lung cancer as an alternative to love handles, groovy!
A Must-See! Stay Tuned!
Forget the cancer sticks, ladies, that was a pretty stupid idea that we recommended simply because money corrupts us. This new idea is so cool that you'll feel and look great almost instantly. Don't eat a meal, DRINK a meal! Yes sir (or ma'am), thanks to a guy named Dr. Stoll, who knows everything because he's a DOCTOR,you can now have your fruits, veggies, and proteins pulverized together into one disgusting-looking beverage. Who cares what it looks like, right? Just get yourself a blender and liquefy away. Be like the rest of the sheep and be happy!
Disregard previous bulletin!
Eat grapefruit or grapefruit juice with every meal to burn that ugly uncool fat! It's the Hollywood thing, and we know our Hollywood heroes are the best ever! We'd even go to hotel rooms to be with them with no question! Oh some geek is trying to get us to eat cabbage soup, but we all know cabbage makes us fart and that's not the American way! Go Hollywood!
Emergency Alert!
Our President has just had a heart attack! Upon quick research consisting of asking his wife for 5 minutes, we have discovered that he was eating a LOT of saturated fats!That HAS to be the cause right? Of course it is, we believe anything! So, eat margarine instead. Granted that margarine is next to plastic molecule-wise, but at least it's not evil saturated natural foods! Save yourselves, eat the plastic on your bread and potatoes!
Now hear this! Diet soda!
You have no idea of exciting this is! I almost tossed my salad just upon the first words! There is now something called diet soda! No more unnecessary sugar to get my carbonation intake, now I can have something with a sugar substitute that may or may not deter my health. I can drink loads of this stuff and not gain any weight whatsoever! Hand me that 6-pack of Tab, I'm a-binging!
Dang, another cool fad? We're in!
We just met with some barfly named "Dr" Atkins. He has some really neato idea that you can take in a LOT of protein and fats and eat less carbs. My friend Bryan and his fiancee Vickie are doing this diet before their wedding, I bet they'll look great!
Detox? Delightful!
Holy mother of Adam West! We can have a lot of liquefied fruits and veggies. Why, you say! After all this came up before, but now they say we can DETOX our bodies with this torture, so let's do it! They say our bodies can detox themselves, but they're not COOL like us! And we all want to be cool and healthy and popular, right?
This crap just in, no more eggs!
Throw away those eggs! They have FAT in them! We HATE FAT!!! Fat is a communist! Fat is the devil! Fat is Jeff Probst! Fat is- oh yeah, sorry, EGGS HAVE FAT! Get egg substitute instead, it contains more crap than actual eggs, but that's ok because the substitute has little to no fat, and if it has a little, just do 4000 squats to burn the gram off!
Alert alert! Gerber is our savior!
Finally we have it, the ultimate healthy diet! Eat baby food, 14 jars of it, each day along with maybe an adult dinner. This is the best! People at the store keep asking how old my child is, but I just say I am eating better than them because I am cool and popular! Granted the mushiness can be unpleasant, but I just know this will work for me...I know it...I think...hmm...
Free yourselves folks, free yourselves.
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