While Dr. Delighted is out on a drunken rampage, let's visit Mr. Moore, ultimate film picker. No, I am not referring to the inner nose film. I mean, I am going to literally be in charge of what movies get financed. From what I see in the 57 minutes of trailers before watching the fucker I PAID to see, the job really is not too difficult. It has to do with trends, it has to do with giving the public what Hollywood THINKS the public wants. Just this past weekend, I learned all I needed to learn.
Quality: Nobody cares
Oscar worthiness: Even Martians don't give 3 rats' ass hairs.
Fresh ideas: Pulllease!
Something New for Will Ferrell and John C. Reilley to screw around in: Dang boy, we're in!
A rehash of a classic tale bringing some of the original surviving actors in for at least 5 minutes of screen time: Oh yeah, bring on the bacon!
It is a pretty simple formula, really.
All right, ladies and gents, let's get-
Lady 1: Are you assuming our genders?!
Yes! Now, let's get down to brass tacks. Bob, you've had 7 minutes since I assigned you to come up with something.
Bob: Well, I was thinking of an epic retelling of Pinocchio.
Hmm...sounds promising.
Bob: Really?
Nah! Just pullin' your fake leg! When you use the word epic, it screams of over-budget and pampered actors.
Bob: Well, I also thought of Nicolas Cage in a remake of "Police Academy".
Aha! Now THAT's possible! Except leave out the actors. We'll go through 5 leads before one of them sinks to our level. Sally, you non-gender genius, you left a month ago to do some soul-searching. I take it from your early return that you either found your soul or left it at the TSA checkpoint. No matter, I want ideas!
Sally: This one is killer! It's about the rise of an a capella metal band called the Asthmatics. Their hook is that they all use their inhalers on stage.
Sally, that is one of the most idiotic ideas I have ever heard! It is so low, even ants would stomp on it! No actors in their right mind would even come near it! Do you get my point?
Sally: It'll be a hit?
You read me like an open cook book! Go for it! I know what I said about actors, but I predict Haley Joel Osment will want the part of the manager. Ken, talk to me!
Ken: Nothing solid, just another vehicle for Adam Sandler and Kevin James.
Go for it! Eva, make me happy and not like last night.
Eva: I can't believe what I'm hearing!
Oh don't be so damn sensitive, you seemed to have a good time!
Eva: I did! I meant, have you no standards?Why would you throw this crap into theatres?
Eva, Eva, Eva! You have to face it. The days of great directors making great productions are long over! John Huston, George Lucas, Steven Spielberg, Clint Eastwood is almost done...and the actors? Hell, I don't even know who acts anymore, and I don't care.
Eva: But there are so many great ideas out there! Think of Star Wars! Think of Gone With the Wind! Think of Gigli!
Umm, you almost had me feeling good until that last one, nice fake-out!
Eva: I meant Gigi
Whatever. Somebody DID think of Star Wars, someone DID think of Gone With the Wind...and good luck getting a movie-goer to sit still for 4 hours! And don't even start of the re-telling of history! We could have 10 flicks directed by Oprah about courageous escaped slaves and likely one would win an Oscar, but they do nothing for sales.
Eva: You're a whore!
Yes I am. I never denied it.
Eva: You're also hot!
And I think we're done for today. Upstairs!
So, I don't think I am the best person to decide which films get made. I don't think most people are, because there is no real vision anymore. There are no more film Everests to climb. We're even to the point where technology can create a character that looks real and is merely voiced by someone, not really in-person. It's frightening. It's terrifying! It's time for Dr. Delighted to return soon!
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