Satan's Chefs

Welcome to tonight's episode of "Moore's Chefs From Hell" (I tried "New Zoo Revue", but there was an implied copyright lawsuit threat). We gathered 3 chefs from all walks of life along with 3 judges we literally kidnapped via a clever timeshare presentation gimmick: come to our presentation or we'll wire your TV to receive only Bea Arthur shows).

Please welcome our chefs: Dale, a busser at a Sizzler in Kingman, Arizona. Chet, a roach coach driver in Fresno. Finally, Charlene who makes the best shoo fly pie in her trailer park in Topeka.

Tonight's challenge: create an entree using the following ingredients: a half-eaten Twinkie thrown out by Keith Richards, Velveeta, Clamato, maggots from my back porch, Tab Cola, and day-old McNuggets.

Dale: I've been waiting to do this!

Chet: This will make a great burrito!

Charlene: Shit, I hate Tab!

Me: And, as an extra challenge, you'll be using cookware purchased at Dollar Tree and a kitchen from a studio apartment. You have 45 minutes and 18 1/2 seconds. Go!

While our chefs fumble about trying to remember how to turn on an oven, let us step back and take a look at cooking shows. In the good old days, we had one chef on TV, a large loving woman named Julia Child, who would make dishes with absolutely no problems and made housewives salivate with thoughts of murder when their crepes suzette morphed into green Ho Hos.

Then there were cook books by Betty Crocker that always left out something so obvious (to Betty anyway)  that made the difference between meat loaf and KFC cole slaw. Of course, we cannot forget grandma's handwritten recipes for stuffing in their own form of cursive that only forensic experts can decipher! Yes, I LOVE old traditions!

However, in recent years there has been an influx of "celebrity chefs" who not only compete for prizes their egos don't really need, but also judge poor upcomer chefs on the littlest things, from underdone meat to overboiled orange Kool Aid. In other words, they make every day kitchen mishaps into major sins. The advent of the Food Network has made home cooking into something of a challenge for many Americans. We don't need this crap! Sub-par home cooking is the cornerstone of American society! When I invite someone over for dinner, it is just not right if they don't back up 10 feet before turning into an outright run to the Mexican border to avoid my baked chicken!

All right, back to the show.

Me: All right chefs, as an added challenge, you are required to add minty waxed dental floss into your entree.

Charlene: I do that all the time!

Chet: That usually holds my truck's engine together.

Dale: You're a dick!

Me: Just for that, you have 6 minutes left! REAL chefs can do this! All right, while they sweat over this, let me introduce our judges: my wife Vickie, William Shatner, and Joe Walsh. A quick look back at our chefs. Uh oh, Dale set the sink on fire...Charlene is being strangled by the Clamato bottle, and Chet's hand is melting after touching the Velveeta without gloves.

TIME'S UP EVERYONE! Chet, what did you make?

Chet: A peanut butter English muffin.

Me: Chefs?

Vickie: Well, I don't care about your plating because I just eat it, it's not a museum exhibit.

Shatner: I love how you mixed the Clamato with the Twinkie, though you should have KNOWN the VELVEETA would MELT your HAND!

Walsh: Hope your life's been good, because this shit ain't!

Me: Thank you! Charlene, what did you make?

Charlene: I made a chocolate ganash with a Tide Pod finish.

Me:Although this isn't a dessert round, we'll let it pass since all of these cooking shows have a ganash in there somewhere and it's fun to say. GANASH! Judges?

Vickie: The ganash is crap, but the Tide Pod bit is genius!

Shatner: (snoring)

Walsh: I agree, more people should make their own Tide Pods. It's economical and easy, eaten many myself.

Me: And finally Dale.

Dale: Well, having worked at Sizzler and stealing regularly from the salad bar, I made fried chicken wings.

Me: Ooh! I always wondered if there was any leftover Twinkie in those. Judges?

Vickie: Me too, but unfortunately my 9 year old could do better than this with peanuts and bread crumbs.

Shatner (mumbling about Takei)

Walsh: Man, you could open a wing joint with this! Awesome job!

Me: And there you have it, folks. You can gather whomever to cook and whomever to judge and in the end, it makes no difference. TV food is a fantasy never to be attained, while real food is a nightmare we are all used to, why change it? Good night everybody!