Dr. Delighted On The Air!

   It is Christmas season again. How can I tell? On the assigned Christmas music station in Vegas we have Delilah listening to tree sap spewing their emotional problems all over whoever is listening. Delilah then responds with (supposedly) sympathetic words while as far as we know she's doing a crossword puzzle or stabbing a voodoo doll. That is the wonder of radio still to this day. From the golden age of radio comedies, westerns, soap operas, and game shows, we never quite knew what the hell really went on in the studios. I have always suspected a great deal of Captain Morgan, a donkey, and tons of Cool Whip were involved, and you can do the math on your own!

   I am through imagining, so let me welcome you to the Dr. Delighted Show! I am your congenital (er congenial)  avuncular pal and host Dr. Delighted! We will have all sorts of sick twisted and depressing people call in with their problems and we couldn't be more delighted! Along the way I will select tunes which I believe are directed at you...er, designed to help you with your problem, or multitudes thereof!

   Tonight's show is sponsored by Martinique Bay Everclear and Smith & Wesson.

   Our first guest is an interracial paraplegic plumber from East Rutherford. Welcome to Dr. Delighted, what is your name?

(echoing)"Harvey (Harvey)"

What?

"Harvey, (Harvey,) dammit (dammit)!(!)"

Harvey, dammit, turn your radio off!

"Oh, sorry. Dr. Delighted, I have a huge problem."

And I am hugely delighted. What's cookin?

"My girlfriend of 5 years just ran off with my best friend of 25 years."

So that makes 30 total wasted years, got it.

"What?"

Nothing, just remembering a joke I heard yesterday. So how was it with your girlfriend recently?

"I don't understand."

Sure you do. Were you 2 at it good or were you 2 at it bad?

"Oh! Well, I guess it was ok..."

OK OK stop right there Harvey! You're already doubting things, which explains why she left.

"Huh?"

Huh right back at ya! You guess it was ok! That means you 2 got in a rut, or you weren't being the best sack buddy you could be, or both!

"Umm...maybe, but here's the thing-"

And let's talk about this so-called best friend! 25 years, eh? Yet he's willing to pork it over to her and throw it all away? You're some catch, I imagine!"

"Actually, my best friend is, er was a she."

AHA!

"Aha? You can help me?"

What? Oops, sorry, was testing my new mouthwash on the producer. However, Harvey, hell hath heaven's hordes in horrendous Hartford.

"Gotcha, gotcha. Was that Shakespeare?"

No, you dope, it was me proving I suck at alliteration. And what you suck at, my boy, is being pissed off.

"Well, I AM pissed!"

No, Harv,  you're wondering how you can salvage both relationships. Buddy boy, you can't. There is no friend zone to be found here. You should be angry! You should get drunk! You should wake up tomorrow with some stranger wondering how your briefs became her bedside lampshade!

"Not a bad idea, thanks Dr. Delighted!"

You're welcome, my limp-limbed friend! And here is a tune to further make my point ("Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" plays)

(A commercial break, followed by the "Shaft" theme where the word Shaft is replaced by Delighted)

Welcome back to the Dr. Delighted Show! Up next, we have a former department store Santa's elf named Amber. Hi Amber!

(a low husky seductive voice) "Hi Doctor!"

Oh wow! Amber! Do you happen to work at Treasures in Las Vegas?

"Um, no, I'm in Salt Lake City."

Oh ok, just wondering. Then again, there's over ten dozen Ambers, Tiffanys, Jewels, and what have you in that place. So what's your trouble, Amber?

(sobs) "My boyfriend, (sniffs) my dear boyfriend is in the military, and he's been overseas for 6 months."

I see.

(seductive again)"Aren't you going to offer soothing words?"

Not yet. Keep going.

"Oh. Well, I miss him a lot, and this will be such a lonely Christmas."

Amber, or whatever your non-stage name is, get a puppy!

(sobbing again) "Dr. Delighted, I waited a long time to get on the air so I could talk to you, and this is all I get?"

Did you wait 6 months?

"No."

Did you wait 6 weeks? Days? Hours? My point is, I get that you're lonely, and being dedicated to your man is quite a noble thing. Let me ask you, what do you do while he is away?

"I work for a dentist while seeking another elf gig, and I hang with my girlfriends pretty often. That helps."

Ah! And what do you and your girlfriends do?

(giggling) "We get wasted a lot!"

Yeah? What do you drink?

"Cosmopolitans."

Sweet! Where do you go?

"Oh sometimes one of our houses or P.T.s"

Yeah! And who did you sleep with last night?

"A guy named Vince. He was...hey wait-"

I should have been a prosecutor! Amber, you're feeling guilty and wanted a sympathetic...or just pathetic...ear! You miss your man but you're not willing to miss HIS man til HE gets back.

(sobbing) "You don't understand! I NEEDED something so bad that my girls couldn't give me. "

Oh Amber, I do understand. And that's why I have this tune picked out for you. But before, that, stay on the phone Amber, I have a gift card for Salt Lake City's favorite dildo shop ready to send to you (plays "Barking Dogs Jingle Bells").

(a commercial break for the Adult Superstore and vasectomy.com) followed by the "Welcome Back" theme.

And we're back! Time for one more call....oh crap it's one of these little kids again. Oops, I said that out loud. Inside voice, outside voice, inside voice, outside voice. And you're on, little kid.

(little boy/girl) "Hi, Dr. Delightful!"

Hi!

"Hi!"

Hi. Kid, I can't get hammered til I'm done, can we get on with this?"

"Hi! I have a problem."

Yeah, it's called wasting minutes.

"No, that's not my problem. I'm boy, but my mommy and daddy dress me like the girls at school and give me dolls for my birthday and the Solstice."

I see. So tell me about daddy. What's he like?

"My daddy is a she."

No surprise. What bathroom do you use?

"The girl's room."

Like shooting fish in a barrel here.

"I'm not allowed to even talk about guns."

What's your name?

"Bubba."

And the pattern breaks! All right, Bubba, I'm gonna ask this as delicately as possible. You Mounds or Almond Joy in spirit?

"The second one."

Good. So there's not a whole lot you can do on the homefront besides moan and groan. They want to make you a girl and-

"Actually they said I'm neither, they said something...wait a minute I wrote it down...gender neutral."

Bubba, gender neutral really means you have neither girl nor boy characteristics. It's a fad, after thousands of years, people in the liberal zones are now thinking its bad to be labeled a boy or girl, even though it's been standard operating procedure for quite a bit.

"But what should I do?"

Nothing, at least not at home. You think of yourself as a boy or think of yourself as a girl?

"Um, I meant should I put a on purple shirt with a mauve skort?"

I have a song for this! (plays "Dude Looks Like a Lady")

(commercial break for Claire's and The Pro Gun Club)

And that's all the time we have left today! Remember, Dr. Delighted is always delighted to hear your problems and help you out, in ways you couldn't possibly imagine, or want! Good night, folks!