Delighted Part 2

(station playing Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer)

Hello, and welcome back to the Dr Delighted Show, where we love to listen to your problems and we couldn't be any more delighted if we were on a nude Brazilian beach. And I see we have a caller with some problem or other. Hello! This is Dr. Delighted, damn delighted to speak with you.

"How dare you!"

Sorry, my mom taught be to be gregarious to guests.

"I mean, how dare you play that song!"

What song?

"Rudolph!"

Actually I didn't play it, I was on the can emptying some early Christmas cheer. What precisely is your all-beef patty?

"That is an offensive song!"

Obviously. That's probably why it's been on the air for 70 years.

"I don't care, it offends me!"

I'll bite, but I'll do Listerine later. Why is it offensive?

"The poor reindeer is bullied. It's a song about a bullied reindeer! What a bad example for our children!"

Yeahhh. Well, have you heard the whole song?

"Well, of course."

Good, and what happens to Rudolph at the end?

"He leads Santa's sleigh."

Sounds like a success story to me.

"But he was BULLIED at the beginning!"

So let me get this straight. If Rudolph were just a normal reindeer without the red nose and got chosen to lead the team, you think it would have been a success?

"No, the red nose was what made him special. But they didn't have to BULLY him."

Hahahahahaha, you jellyfish.

"Excuse me?"

I just laughed and called you a name. And stay tuned for this song, it's quite a fun game.

(plays "The Lonesome Loser")

This portion of the Dr. Delighted Show is sponsored by Prozac and Captain Morgan. And let's see our callers on hold. 5 lesbian breakups, 6 wives of soldiers abroad, 3 who want to hear something by a singer I refuse to play. Damn, forgot the mike was on. To all of you...get over it and Merry Christmas. Remember, if you want maple sap, call Delilah. OK, we have something new. Let er rip, brand new caller!

"Dr. Delighted?"

Delighted as always. What is your name?

"Karen. Dr. Delighted, are you happy?"

Karen, did you actually call here to ask about me?

(shy) "Yes."

Listeners, this is a rare thing for a super broadcaster such as myself. I spend so much time listening to other people's crap...er, problems that nobody ever thinks of me. Well, Karen, I am delighted to say I am a very happy person.

"Oh."

You sound disappointed.

"Well, if you weren't happy, I wanted to recommend Lucifer's Yoga Studio. They really know how to make you smile. All you do is say a prayer for Satan and-"

And what a great suggestion for the denizens of East Rutherford! Remember, East Rutherford, LUCIFER'S YOGA STUDIO. I generally don't do plugs, but this one makes sense.

(plays "Highway to Hell")

And now for tonight's weather report. Baby, it's COLD outside! And...damn, here we go again! Who is this little fu----dge nugget? Barney from somewhere west of the San Andreas Fault. May I lay a guess as to why you jumped on?

"Yeah, go ahead."

You object to even the song title being mentioned?

"What? Ah hell no, I'm a traditionalist. That being said, I do have a gripe."

With whom?

"My boss."

Ooh, something different. Rock the Casbah, Humbug!

"Huh?"

Tell your story before it's ad time!

"Well, it's kind of odd. I mean, I deal with her every day, she's very demanding. Yet, sometimes I see her when she's not looking and...I..."

Want to destroy her, right?

"Not exactly."

Bury her in the desert?

"Er, no."

Rip her a new one without losing your job?

"Well...yes and no...you see-"

Oh, I do see now. Barney, I think I'm going to give you an early Christmas gift of a VIP membership to Pornhub.

"Wait-why?"

Because you need to polish the rocks before your rocks make you do something stupid at work. We don't need another unemployed statistic. And now for a song I believe suits the mood.

(plays "Hots for Teacher")

Ad for Little Darlings.

And we're back. Time for our last loser- er, lost soul. Aha! Speaking of Little Darlings, we have "Amber". Maybe I didn't get ENOUGH holiday cheer. Good evening, Amber!

"Hi you jerk!"

Did I not leave you a $20 last week?

"I'm NOT A STRIPPER!"

M-hmmm. So what's your beef-a-roni?

"You told my boyfriend to leave me!"

Ridiculous, I dispense no such direct advice on here.

"Oh he found a way to interpret your damn advice!"

(Bill Dozier impression) Will Dr. Delighted find a way out of this? Can he weasel out yet another jam? Or will he lose all credibility?

"What is your problem? What are you doing?"

Oh, sounded like a cliffhanger moment. Look, I cannot control what people do with my indirect ramblings. It's what keeps me out of court. But for argument sake, what was this guy's name?

"Stu."

Stu Pididdiot? Stu Pefied? Stu Debaker? Stu Por?

"Stu Schultz."

Oh yes! I surmised you were getting extra stew somewhere else.

"Yeah!"

Well?

"Well what?"

Were you?

"That's not the point, the point is-"

Now, if you'd said no, I would have rethought my position. Now I feel justified. You got it somewhere else, but you want to keep your security blanket. I get that.

"If you get that, why did you interfere?"

Who called me first? Him or you?

"Umm, him."

So he laid out his problem, I interpreted, and he acted on it. Now, if you'd chimed in on that call and denied it, we might have had more than 7 listeners that night hearing the debate. But you're blaming me for steering him toward the truth.

"Yeahhh.....maybe I need to kick myself. That or shoot you."

Both are options. You armed?

"Unfortunately, no."

Then Merry Christmas, learn to be faithful, and as you do, here's a tune for you.

(plays "Janie's Got a Gun")

And that wraps up another episode of Dr. Delighted. I am always delighted to hear your problems and even more delighted to steer you on a new path, one you might need to pay a toll for. Good night, it is time for more holiday cheer...and I'll let you interpret that.