Delighted Is Not The Word

("Riders on the Storm" playing)

Good...evening. Once again, your favorite radio shrink Dr. Delighted is on the air. I wish I felt more delighted, but I got a memo today from the boss. It says that as we are in the Christmas season, well, HOLIDAY season according to the memo, I need to devote one night to reading letters and honoring requests. Well, since I hit the Discount Liquor store on the way to work and stocked up, I figured tonight's the night!

So, let's dig into this unusually large shopping bag of letters. Damn, I thought it'd be a gallon Zip Lock at most! Quite frankly, I thought I had a small core audience of people who's radio tuners were stuck on AM. What will be will be, I suppose. Let's see, let's try this one that looks like a card.

"Dear Dokter Delitd,

   I rely luv your sho. Can yu help me get my daddi bak? He bekam a girl last yer. Luv, Vanessa"

Vanessa, before I begin, I must note your interesting spelling and how I can read it so easily. I will assume you are in third grade or below, so the good doctor and his friend Dr. Bacardi will take it easy on you.Your daddy decided to become a woman, and that tells of a lot of problems that made him want to do that. I can't change him back, but I can help you. The new woman at home is still your daddy at heart, so love him, er her. And believe it or not, Vanessa, being a guy in this hostile world is tough unless you're rich. Maybe being a woman and having that kind of support is what he needed. Merry Christmas to you, Vanessa, and look out for a gift card for you in your mailbox soon.

Whew, these kids have it tough, don't they? Endless electronics, conveniences, and so on, yet their parents can't quite get a grip on being a parent. Poor Vanessa and kids like her have to grow up too damn fast to deal with these life changes. Time for a whiskey sour and we'll be right back.

(plays "Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire" by Bob Rivers)

Aaaand, that last tune was requested by someone. Who, I don't know, but it was a request and dammit I honored it! All right, let's see. It's either 10pm or Mickey's gone disco! Time for another letter...oooh, this one looks big and tasty! Um, did I say tasty? Ooh, those brownies in the staff room DID taste unusually good. Let me just bite this corner off...yeecchh! I hate envelope gum!

"Dear Dr. Delighted, I am 47, and feeling sad and hopeless. Ten years ago up in Canada, my grandmother got run over by a reindeer. I miss her so much, I wish she were here with me now. It was such a tragedy. Doctor, what can I do? Sadly, Ned"

Huh, that sounded like it should come from a Bruce! So, Bruce, er-Nad, I am going to give you some really (belch) sage advice: GET LAID! I mean, seriously, guy, you're pushing 50 and you still miss grandma? I'm not going to go all Freudian on you, Nad, that's for a shrink that has a real degree.  Nad Needs Notorious Nookie Now! I think I'll make you a bumper sticker with that exact phrase, the ladies will just be crawling over you, I'm sure. As for that reindeer bit, well, (belch) at least you didn't say it was an Al-Qaida job. Merry Christmas, Nad!

Damn, all I am hearing is some doom and gloom! I refuse to read another letter on the air until I see happiness! Let's see...sex change, Satan shall prevail, a summons for me to appear in court, which sort of is happy since it's about my divorce but it is not a letter...now HERE's something!

"Dear Dr. Delighted, Why is TV such a piece of crap? I subscribe to cable and see nothing but endless reruns of shit and infomercials. Can we destroy DirecTV together? Yours, Mel"

Mel, you and I are in the same boat, brother! I agree, the entire cable world should go up in a wall of flames. The best way to enjoy TV is to purchase only the things you do like. Sure, you might see some good classics on cable here and there, but they cut out openings and closings. Worry not, though, I have a plan to make the cable companies implode upon themselves, I just need a few billion. I'm talking major telethon here. In the meantime, here's that request I am assuming you're making in this letter.

(plays "57 Channels and Nothing On" by Bruce Springsteen)

Mmm, those brownies make that slightly undercooked turkey taste absolutely delish! All right, let's find a real winner here. Let's see...abducted by aliens....a few X-rated offers....lots of unwarranted name-calling...ah here we go.

"Dear Dr. Delighted, I am a mother of 2 teenagers, both boys that I am aware of. I have given them everything. Electronics, musical instruments, sporting equipment, you just name it. I want them to know they're loved. I even took them out of public school and let them do school online right from home. No matter what I do, I can't seem to earn any respect from them. Signed, Desperate"

Well...let's start with your name. I think you should get it legally changed. As for your kids, not much you can do anymore. Because, quite frankly, you killed them already. They ask and ask and you give and give. No respect to be found there, and certainly no love beyond empty hugs and kisses and "I love you Mommy" overtures. I imagine they don't do chores, either. I probably wouldn't hire those twits to mop my DJ booth's liquor stains from the floor. I suppose if you have a basement you could have the kids live down there for eternity since they're ruined for the real world. Maybe the IRS will let you claim them as dependents forever. Whatever you do, please do NOT let them be fruitful and multiply. I would consider that favor community service.

(plays "We Wish You Weren't Living With Us" by Bob Rivers)

All right, folks, that is all the time we have for this special holiday edition. We'll be back to my usual raw advice tomorrow. Stay off the roads if you're drunk, enjoy family time, get laid if at all possible. And remember, if you have a problem, I am delighted to help you but not enable you. Good night!