Your Food or Theirs?

Recently (like this morning), my cousin posted an article about the end of a lot of small-scale Michigan farmers' way of life. Basically, rural residents who raised hens (and therefore eggs) along with cows and goats are no longer allowed to do their thing because "too many people" live nearby. Seriously!

In an article posted on http://www.inquisitr.com/1235774/michigan-loses-right-to-farm-this-week-a-farewell-to-backyard-chickens-and-beekeepers/, local growers are not allowed to raise chickens, goats, or beehives that are within 250 feet of another residence or at least 13 homes 1/8 of a mile away!

All right, now one would assume that these local growers are acting responsibly, keeping their bees and goats and chickens contained, especially the bees. Michigan is primarily an agricultural and outdoorsy state once you leave the confines of the Detroit area, with a large mix of large- and small-scale farmers. Why on earth should that change?

Well, the article states that the Michigan Right to Farm Act was passed 33 years ago to protect farmers from, get this, urbanites and suburbanites who were tired of city life and decided to move to the country....but wanted to make the country more civilized by demanding anti-farming ordinances. This always makes me angry (yes, this is an ANGRY not literary or goofy post). When we moved to the Reading, Pennsylvania area in early 1976, the area was still largely rural. We got our milk from the local Tulpehocken Dairy until the Feds bought it 10 years later and turned it into residential and business-owned land. I can say from distinct memory (just ask my wife Vickie, mom, or colleague Candice about the trivia I recall) that the dairy milk was 10 times tastier than what we had to get at the supermarket after the dairy closed!

What I want to know is, what right do newcomers to an area have to dictate what others who have lived in the area MUCH LONGER can or can't do? Observe this Mr. Moore -contrived scenario

Farmer Gunther: Howdy!
Newcomer Neighbor Numbnuts: Hi.
Gunther: Welcome to the neighborhood!
Numbnuts: Thanks.
Gunther: How do you like the neighborhood so far?
Numbnuts: It's ok. It could be better.
Gunther: Why, what's the matter?
Numbnuts: I heard bees last night.
Gunther: You HEARD bees? From the top of that hill?
Numbnuts: Er, I saw bees.
Gunther: Last night? My bees are inside the beehouse at night.
Numbnuts: Er, someone told me you had bees.
Gunther: Who? We're the only ones in the area.
Numbnuts: Er, I was watching your yard and saw them yesterday.
Gunther: Oh...why?
Numbnuts:I like to get to know my neighbors.
Gunther: You could ring our doorbell, you know. Share some lemonade and get to be friends.
Numbnuts: I'm not like that. I just like to know what my neighbors do.
Gunther: Not very friendly of you.
Numbnuts: I have friends already. One is moving next door to me.
Gunther: Is he like you?
Numbnuts: He's not as sociable.
Gunther: Pity.
Numbnuts: Anyway, he's allergic to bees. The law says you need to get rid of them.
Gunther: But I supply the general store with the best honey in the state! Besides, the bees are perfectly controlled.
Numbnuts: It doesn't matter.
Gunther: Why did you move here anyway?
Numbnuts: I like the privacy.
Gunther: You're invading mine.
Numbnuts: It's MY neighborhood now. If you don't like it, move!
Gunther (blowing Numbnuts away with a Civil War cannon) Move this...punk!

OK OK, I didn't mean to make the farmer Clint Eastwood, but you can't win with a numbnuts like that. He probably served on local committees where he came from and caused trouble there, too! The point is, if someone wants to relocate, fine. If you want to make your home your "home away from home", great, build a wall and create it, DON'T try to mold the locals into how you want them!

By the way, I am a native Michigander...Michigan born, Pennsylvania raised and I sure miss the old places! I have learned the hard way a few times that you can't go back home, go back to being 21, or go back in a Delorean, I can live with all that. I can, however, demand we go back to living with our neighbors acceptingly. Otherwise, move on...punk!

The ruling will allow local governments to arbitrarily ban goats, chickens and beehives on any property where there are 13 homes within one eighth mile or a residence within 250 feet of the property
Read more at http://www.inquisitr.com/1235774/michigan-loses-right-to-farm-this-week-a-farewell-to-backyard-chickens-and-beekeepers/#CEVsgeGWdRfXcBMd.99

The ruling will allow local governments to arbitrarily ban goats, chickens and beehives on any property where there are 13 homes within one eighth mile or a residence within 250 feet of the property
Read more at http://www.inquisitr.com/1235774/michigan-loses-right-to-farm-this-week-a-farewell-to-backyard-chickens-and-beekeepers/#CEVsgeGWdRfXcBMd.99

The ruling will allow local governments to arbitrarily ban goats, chickens and beehives on any property where there are 13 homes within one eighth mile or a residence within 250 feet of the property
Read more at http://www.inquisitr.com/1235774/michigan-loses-right-to-farm-this-week-a-farewell-to-backyard-chickens-and-beekeepers/#CEVsgeGWdRfXcBMd.99

The ruling will allow local governments to arbitrarily ban goats, chickens and beehives on any property where there are 13 homes within one eighth mile or a residence within 250 feet of the property
Read more at http://www.inquisitr.com/1235774/michigan-loses-right-to-farm-this-week-a-farewell-to-backyard-chickens-and-beekeepers/#CEVsgeGWdRfXcBMd.99

I'll Take a novel...and a novel!

Once again it is time for me to do another literacy critique/comparison between novel and movie. I feel the need to do this for several reasons. 1) I'm on Spring Break and that's always a good opportunity to rid my head of useless shit so it can fill up with more of the same for the last 6 weeks of school. 2) I do not see many literary critiques online the way I want to read them, so the best thing to do is write my own. 3) I always enjoy watching my viewership graph rise if just for a day.

OK, the subject for today is...Fletch. Specifically, Irwin Maurice Fletcher, the star of 9 fun-to-read novels by Gregory McDonald, RIP. I suppose one or two people have also seen an obscure Chevy Chase film from 1985 called "Fletch", which was based loosely on the original 1974 novel. There was another Fletch film in 1989 called "Fletch Lives". I've always wondered if this film was a result of blackmail by or against Chevy Chase. In either case, it sucks (a valid literary opinion!)

Let us first visit the character of Irwin Maurice Fletcher in the first novel. He has a very interesting moral code. As a reporter, he refuses to give up until he gets the whole story. As a former soldier (Marines), he earned a Bronze Star yet refuses to collect it. On this, one may presume that Fletch feels he did what anyone ought to do and therefore does not feel the need to be decorated for it. He already got a lifelong friend (private turned public attorney Alston Chambers) out of it and that is enough for him.

Sex for him is natural and frequent, as he is described as a naturally sexy man. He was married twice, once to Barbara and once to Linda. The marriage to Barbara ended due to many infidelities, and the marriage to Linda ended with his intolerance for the house cat (he threw it out of the window). During one assignment it is strongly implied that he has screwed a 15 year old female junkie in exchange for her using his pad to sleep in, and Fletch justifies this by iterating his goal to find the whole story. Even Linda's gay divorce attorney expresses an attraction to Fletch, which is smoothly tricked out of him by Fletch himself on the phone just for fun. His 2 ex-wives can't get over him and want to be with him on a casual basis. Fletch, however, feels once was enough with both of them.

In the first book, Fletch juggles 2 cases. One is an assignment to find the source of drugs on "The Beach", a fictional southern California town. It is over an hour's drive from the newspaper office and his apartment, which are presumably in Los Angeles, so The Beach may be a disguise for Santa Barbara. Possibly, The Beach is just another L.A. suburb and the long drive is just because of famous L.A. traffic jams. Fletch forms friendships with the junkies on the actual beach in order to find the source, which turns out to be the police chief. While on the case, Fletch has to contend with an editor named Clara Snow who has risen a few levels above her competency as a result of her affair with the managing editor Frank Jaffe. She demands that Fletch gets his stories in on time so that she can heavily edit them. These edited stories have gotten printed with a lot of backlash towards Fletch who is himself infuriated because the edited articles are far from what he actually wrote. In the end, he bypasses Clara to get the drugs story printed before she and Frank can "fix" it.

His other case is a man named Alan Stanwyk, who hires Fletch to kill him because he is presumably dying of bone cancer. He offers Fletch $20 grand to do this job and go to South America. Fletch gets Stanwyk to up the offer to $50 grand with no resistance. As Fletch is a badger-like reporter, he is determined to find out if Stanwyk is the real article after agreeing to do the job. He manages to interview Stanwyk's doctor, wife, father-in-law, father, best friend, mistress, and supposed real estate broker to find out what is the truth. Fletch even sleeps with Alan's wife Joan. It is a less-than-passionate affair, more like something to do on an otherwise dull afternoon, but Joan gives Fletch a clue about Alan: both men have a similar bone structure. Fletch has managed to make himself unmemorable to all of Alan's people except for Joan, who takes his picture  during their first meeting and has her family's security men find out who he is. Fletch eventually puts it all together: Alan wants out of his current life as a successful businessman and family man so that he can be with his high school sweetheart and her son. Stanwyk plans to do this by dying his hair blond (Fletch is blond as well), killing Fletch likely by boxing and strangling him to death, his justification being that he has a right to kill someone who has agreed to kill him. Alan Stanwyk is, in Fletch's opinion, a decent man despite a twice weekly infidelity and being torn between 2 worlds (family in California and family in Pennsylvania). Given Fletch's own moral code, this opinion is understandable.

Stanwyk's plan is foiled by Fletch's threat to send letters to his family about the murder plan if he goes through with it. Fletch, knowing he has deflated Stanwyk, is ready to leave when Stanwyk is shot to death by the chief of police, who thought he was killing Fletch after the drugs article was seen all over town. Fletch takes a briefcase with $3 million that Stanwyk had skillfully embezzled from his company Collins Aviation in the guise of a down payment for a ranch in Nevada, and heads to the airport, where he takes an arranged private plane to Rio, but not before calling in Stanwyk's murder to the newspaper. As he flies to Rio in style, he contemplates his freedom from his 2 ex-wives, his Bronze Star pickup ceremony, and employment in general.

The book is full of colorful dialogue that moves the story along well. I always find something new each time I read it, and I've held my copy for 35 years.

Then we come to the movie. I will say that "Fletch" is one of Chevy Chase's better films....I say this knowing the turkeys he has madefrom the 90s on. A younger actor may have done the Fletch character more justice, though, Woody Harrelson or Tim Robbins being 2 possibilities, or even Val Kilmer, at least in the 80s. Tim Matheson as Stanwyk, however, was completely well-cast. Joe Don Baker as the police chief was also good, though he smiles too much to be menacing.

The movie is definitely silly at times, while also maintaining a mystery theme. This makes the movie a bit disjointed at moments.

A few differences between the book and the movie:
-Alan's wife is named Gail instead of Joan, probably because Joan's maiden name is Collins. One could get away with that in 1974, but not Dynasty-rich 1985! In fact, in the movie the family's name is Boyd, not Collins.
-The chief of police is named Karlin in the movie, where in the book his name is Cummings. This change makes no sense
-Stanwyk's doctor in the movie is Dolan, in the book it is Devlin, again a nonsense change
-Clara Snow is not in the movie, nor is Bobbi, Fletch's teenage junkie roommate in the book.
-Stanwyk's supposed land investment is in Utah in the movie, in the book it is in Nevada. One consistency is that in both cases, it is embezzlement.
-In the movie, Fletch's boss is Frank Walker, in the book the last name is Jaffe. Another nonsense change.
In the movie Fletch charges his country club meals to the Underhills, in the book it is the unseen Underwoods.
In the movie, Stanwyk tells Fletch he will take a plane to Rio, in the book it is to Buenos Aires (although Stanwyk actually plans to go to Rio himself with his true love)
-In the movie, Fletch takes Gail to Rio with him. In the book, Joan leaves his apartment after a hinted last fling.
-In the movie, the chief kills Stanwyk; however, it is because Stanwyk was about to double-cross him, not mistaken identity.

Of course, the movie also had a lot of Chevy Chase antics: a Doberman chasing him out of an office, a car chase with a teenage car thief as his copilot, escaping the police by rallying a bunch of Shriners, a daydream about Fletch being an L.A. Laker, and posing as a doctor at the hospital to look at Stanwyk's medical records. Some of Fletch's lines befit the novel character's personality while others are just Chase egotism.

I will cover some of the other Fletch books later that round out Fletch's character better. In the meantime, I'll take a steak sandwich...and a steak sandwich.

Holy Nostaligia, Batman!

   Yes, once again I can enjoy my Saturday evenings watching an old favorite, the epitome of TV superhero fun for decades....the one...the only...the original...The Tick! No, just kidding, I am referring, of course, to the 1966-68 classic Batman. It's interesting that I can still sit and watch this show, like I can watch The Bob Newhart Show, All In The Family, The Wild Wild West, and The Edge of Night, with as much enjoyment as I did when I was younger. If I sit and watch Gilligan's Island, I will generally remember the episode yet not enjoy it as much as I once did, same goes for the Brady Bunch. I think I know the answer as far as Batman goes: Natalie!


   Yes, my daughter has helped me to enjoy Batman again in a couple of different ways. First, it's fun to listen to her sing the theme song (na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BATMAN!).. This recent Saturday night tradition isn't the first for us, either. Batman was on every night on The Hub when she was just 1 and Batman was one of her first successful singing attempts. Now, 3 1/2 years later, we're enjoying it again and the funny thing is, she remembered the song for those years of not having it! Now she loves watching 2 episodes with me, then schmoozes me into watching Wonder Woman afterwards!


   What is the fascination with this show for about 35 years of my life? Well, there are quite a few things I could mention.


1) Alfred, the cool butler who knows, all sees all, and pretty much cleans all (Wayne Manor AND the Batcave!) A confidant and booster, he was actually larger-than-life moreso than the caped crusader himself!
2) The theme song, of course
3) The Batmobile: a super car with all sorts of weapons, communications and anti-theft systems onboard
4) Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara, 2 completely useless Irish stooge cops who can't make a move without calling Batman. Even when there's a new villain in town, they don't try to earn their paychecks, they just call Batman. The highlight of this is when Liberace threatens Gotham City's peace, and Batman is away, the look of horror on Gordon's face as he says, "We might have to solve this OURSELVES!"
5) The Green Hornet/Kato crossover episode pair: The clash of these heroes with the Dynamic Duo makes for a good set of episodes...in fact, it is one of the last good episodes that aired before the dreaded Batgirl season, but more on that later!
6) And, of course, the VILLAINS!


There were quite a few fun villains I love to see, and of course some big duds.


1) The Riddler as played by Frank Gorshin. He was the most fun to watch, yet mainly confined to the first season. They tried a recast with John Astin, but I can't look at Astin without thinking of The Addams Family and Night Court!  Gorshin came back for one of the Batgirl episodes but it was lame and too late.
2) Mr. Freeze: played 3 times with 3 different actors. I liked all 3, this guy definitely had the chill theme going.
3) The Joker: this guy was fun for most of his appearances...then became a spoiled, whiny thug  toward the end.
4) The Penguin: Fun and pompous at all times, he never changed. My favorite memory is him running for mayor!
5) The Catwoman: Julie Newmar MADE this villainess, both in voice and figure! Eartha Kitt ruined the character in the Batgirl season :(
6) The Mad Hatter: a strange villain with a sleep-ray top hat who somehow made 2 appearances. David Wayne was known as a fairly low-key yet talented actor of the 40s through 70s and not a Batworthy one really, but he seemed to have fun and those episodes are always watchable.
7) King Tut: his first 2 appearances were fun, the rest were just dumb. Victor Buono made any of his roles memorable, but this one was overplayed.
8) The Bookworm: played by Roddy McDowall, this one (and when I say one, I mean a pair of episodes) was great and unfortunately limited to the one pair of episodes. His British manner makes him very entertaining.
9) Egghead: His one good appearance set is his first, where he's a pun-spewing master criminal... his appearances in the Batgirl episodes, paired with the Cossack Olga, are quite lame.
10) The Puzzler: essentially, this is Samantha's father Maurice from Bewitched being made into a mild criminal...and yet a fun episode pair.


And now here's the crap...in my ever-not-so-humble opinion. Hey, I'm 41, I can think what I want!


1) Aunt Harriett: Larry Mondello's too-old mom from Leave It To Beaver is now the aunt to Robin, er, Dick Grayson. She's not from the comics, she was merely brought in to, apparently, dispel the idea that our duo is gay. Yeah, like she'd help to fool anyone! The gay jokes were going to happen, which makes the show even more fun to watch. Apart from her ruse, she was also a perpetual victim of kidnappings, robberies, and a victim of the evil Liberace to try to steal the Wayne fortune.
2) Louie the Lilac: Milton Berle at his lamest. He was in 2 Batgilr episodes and they were single episode stories.....1 did the trick to prove he sucked!
3) Shame: I like Cliff Robertson, but he was wasted here as a deranged cowboy....2 stories, and 1 of them in the Batgirl year.
4) Marsha, Queen of Diamond: Morticia Addams as a money-grubbing temptress...and she was even brought back to partner with Penguin! Um, no!
5) A few other 1-timers: The Archer, Ma Parker, The Minstrel, The Siren, Minerva, Dr. Cassandra, Zelda (this one wasnt's too bad, but not a favorite!), the Black Widow, Nora Clavicle, and Lord Marmaduke Fogg (a terrible Batgirl 3 parter!)
and...drum roll, please.....
6) Batgirl! Now, the character wasn't too bad, but her introduction also brought about a huge decline in production values. There were a lot of 1-episode stories (thankfully!) and the dialogue got worse. There were no decent new villains introduced, Eartha Kitt was now Catwoman, and our favorites Riddler, Joker, and Penguin were just wasted.


   All of this means: I will watch all of them, because, as a Doors fan, I listen to all of the songs, and as a Batman fan, I will watch all of the episodes. Why? Because 20 years ago I learned the fun of watching something and poking fun at it whether it was good or bad (thank you Mystery Science Theater 3000!) Catch you next time, Same Bryan Time (inconsistent), Same Bryan Channel!

Romancing the Consumer

   Being married for over 7 years now, I find myself in an uncomfortable position. Someone really wants me yet the feeling is, of course, not mutual. I've been trying to resist their advances, but the party in question is VERY persistent. I've been trying to cut all ties but the persistence stays. For those of you who may be in the same situation, let me warn you, it is hell.

   What? Oh no! No no no, I'm not talking about another woman. The last time I thought another woman was looking longingly at me was just a ruse to get my parking space after I backed out. This situation is much more serious, possibly dangerous. Yes, you guessed it, DirecTV will not let me leave them.

   We were seduced by the dark cable provider almost 2 years ago in a deep dark corner of Sam's Club. They wanted to sway us to the Direct side and succeeded with a low rate for a year. Being the tightwad I am, it was an easy lure. However, I soon learned that my new provider was not endowed with 2 big, sumptuous classic TV show channels (AntennaTV and MeTV). My new provider refused to get an enlargement... and then began costing me more money after a year. It began to think it owned me. Well, finally I had enough and decided to return to my ever-forgiving old provider Cox, who was well-endowed but cost just a bit more for the big package. It's ok, they know how to satisfy me. Sometimes bigger IS better.

   Well, DirecTV was not going to let me go without a fight. They pleaded, begged, even stalked my wife on the phone. When that didn't work, they started following me around in a not-so-subtle van. When I got to the store, they pulled me inside by force, where I talked to their head "agent" who tried to make me a better offer. They soon tied me up and began forcing me to watch one of their 24/7 informercial channels, breaking down my resolve. Luckily, a Cox van pulled up and their team eliminated the Direct team judicously. From then on, until Cox got fully reconnected with us, they provided us with 24/7 protection. DirecTV, realizing they'd lost us, smiled seductively and said we were welcome back anytime.

   If only it were that fun! No, unfortunately, we consumers are left to our own wits when trying to change from one thing to another. However, it does seem that the TV provider industry is like women with low self-esteem fighting for the same man. Imagine if this transferred to grocery shopping.

   Picture yourself walking down the spaghetti aisle and trying to get some sauce. You've been using Ragu for years faithfully, and there's a Ragu rep standing by his cans. However, you look at the Prego sauce and realize that the ingredients are simpler and not filled with a bunch of useless and maybe dangerous ingredients. Soon, the Prego and Ragu reps begin pulling you in 2 different directions. When you wrench free, they begin a fistfight right in the aisle, sauce flying everywhere when jars begin to be hurled.

   Sound ridiculous? Well, if the cable/satellite industry is any indication, I think the competition for loyal subscribers/users/junkies in ANY consumer realm will reach this point. The fast food wars ought to be a riot on streets where every franchise is within a mile of each other. Anyhow, I have to go now in my Volkswagen....before the Chevy dealership starts to follow us!

The Basement Generation

Yes, I have seen it. The image is frightening to be sure, but it is our current future. Riddle me this, faithful (and cheating) readers: what do you get when a whole nation of gen x parents decide to either completely ignore their kids OR hover over their kids constantly, making sure that not one bad grade gets on their report card or not one mosquito bites their precious arm? You get...the basement generation!

   Now before lots of dander falls off the ruff, I will say that I'm a gen Xer and I am far from perfect, just ask my wife for a complete list of details! However, I have goals...the main one getting my kid on her own by the time she's 18, latest being 18 and two hours. I want her to go to college, or military, or some trade school...whatever will help her go and succeed and make something of herself. The secret to this is, making her realize she can accomplish things.....and what the consequences are when she doesn't try. The main consequence is, of course, not allowing her and her Pauly Shore-looking boyfriend to live with us while he "finds himself".

   No, I see that all around me as it is. The frightening thing is, a lot of those back-home dwellers are in MY generation! And then we come to the hoverers...some may call them HELICOPTERS...those parents who seem to have developed an extreme fear that any outside influences, like flies, germs, toy guns, teachers, wheat, black and white movies, and Disney stuff produced by Disney himself, pose a threat to their child's well-being. Their only solution is to fight all of these environment and self-esteem killing influences with all their might. They de-germ every molecule in the house, fight any grade below A (because, hey, the teacher obviously did not teach the material right or recognize the child's "giftedness", but I'll get into that after retirement), and get rid of child-killers like metal playground equipment, gymnastics units in P.E., and that wretched piece of trash ranking just above Congress...that's right, keeping score so that there are winners and losers in sports, because losing can mean, OH NO....FEELING BAD ABOUT YOURSELF!!!!

   Let's look into the future, now that I'm done vomiting. Let me create a child to demonstrate my vision...with a cute name with a French, sophisticated hint...Pathetique! This wonderful, precious, gifted, yet overly bullied by outside forces (like real life) child, graduates and earns (through lots of angry phone calls and blackmail) a diploma. Next, she goes off to college where the professors expect a smidgen of literacy and critical thought. When the kid can't perform to college standards, Pathetique weeps uncontrollably because this has NEVER happened before. Mom and Dad always fixed this. Hey, that's it! Call mom and she'll fix that professor good. Mom calls to find out that, strangely, while her influence worked in public and free education, tuition-based education works quite differently. Pathetique gets her schedule switched so he/she can have a nice professor who understands her better. Professor B proves to be as evil and conceited as Professor A. Mom then calls the dean to demand why these sociopaths are still employed. After the dean finishes his 5-minute laugh and refuses tuition reimbursement, Pathetique 's folks shell out more dinero for a tutor to help her brush up on some things. The tutor realizes, within ten seconds, that his wide-eyed and innocent charge needs to repeat 3rd through 12th grade in order for college to mean anything, then refuses to refund the $5 consultation fee.

   Therefore, Pathetique is forced to finish the semester on her own wits and brains...which meant lots of texting to complain  about evil professors in basic math and English 101, and all those other courses that make her have to put down her phone and listen. In December, once all the finals are taken and thoroughly bombed, Pathetique comes home with all her stuff. During the holidays, the folks make all sorts of calls, threats, and demands to other colleges who'd be "lucky" to have Pathetique as a student. The trouble is, none of the automated systems bother to put them through to an actual human. Then the parents sit for a few days watching their precious Pathetique using up valuable household oxygen by watching the Disney Channel with a blank stare, putzing on her cell phone with a blank stare, and wondering aloud how she can make a million dollars in a few hours.

   Mom declares loudly that an injustice has been made by the school system toward her little gem. Dad finally, after almost 20 years of just nodding, tells mom to shut up once and for all and that they created a moron with no marketable skills. Mom weeps in agreement, and they both decide that kicking the girl out would be cruel, so they fix up half the basement (this is an East Coast family, by the way, so basements are likely), with the laundry and hardware section near the stairs, and Pathetique's half is near that hatch (doggie door) that opens to the back yard. A wall is built to separate the 2 sections. The girl can come up for Christmas, her birthday, and the grandparents' visits. She is fixed up with a microwave, a small fridge, and her bedroom furniture. After much pleading with the cell and cable companies, they give the family the new "basement child" discount so the bills don't rise too much. Food is dropped through the hatch once a week. In other words, the girl is being hidden from the world because, well, Pathetique is well-named (Dad has to explain this to Mom a few times before she gets the translation after all these years). She's their child, but is an embarrassment and that's their fault for kicking the wrong ass for too long. The tax deduction is still there because Pathetique will be a dependent for the next several decades. Also, by keeping her locked away in reverse Rapunzel fashion (below instead of above), no suitors with her brain power will ever invade and try to move in and create mini-Pathetiques.

   By the way, making a girl as an example was just coincidence. I laughed at my own name creation so I just went with it. Boys have suffered from Pathetique disease as well.

   This is what is coming down the path, parents. The basement generation is already here, we just have to wait until the end of 12th grade for reality to set in. I can see it now. My wife and I are over at a friend's house enjoying social time when we hear an animal sound from below. Without batting an eye, I just nod and ask, "Basement child?"

They nod sadly and say, "It's Pillow's 30th birthday, so we're allowing noise tonight." Then they mockingly put their hand to their faces. "Oops, was that cake made with gluten? Our bad!" Then we all share a hearty laugh.

For those helicopter parents that do not have a basement, have a crew build you one fast. In fact, borrow Richard Donner's blueprints for a "Phantom Zone" if you can, so you can avoid the food bills. However, all of this trouble and expense can be avoided if you let your child experience the world without your input every three seconds. This way, he/she can "find" themselves at a younger age and be ready. Just keep the hatch side of the basement available just in case.

Oh the Yuletide repeats are Frightful....

It is mid-November and we all know what that means...that's right! WalMart descends to hell's 9th level with holiday shoppers as well as the usual morons who don't know what condoms are. It also signals the soft-music stations' incessant playing of Christmas music for the next 6 weeks. I have no problem with this...to a point. I love about 60% of it, and the other 40% is like hell with mistletoe!

We all have our favorites...well, not ALL of us. I am quite aware that Atheist Americans want everything even remotely tied to a belief system blown up like both Death Stars. However, there are just some songs that grate on the nerves and prompt us to turn to the heavy metal station for a few minutes. Here are just a few:

1. Wonderful Christmastime by Paul McCartney.....I like Paul, really I do. However, I think his Wings era had a blandness to it that he could not foresee. The 70s just did that to some performers in all media.

2.Do They Know It's Christmastime by Band Aid...no band aid can repair the damage from the repeated playings, not even with Bactine!

3. Little Saint Nick by the Beach Boys....once again I respect the band, and I do understand the contractual holiday song obligation, but I think the Little Deuce Coupe driven by Pasadena's little old lady down Colorado Boulevard ought to run down this recording once and for all.

4. Anything sung by Josh Groban...I am still wearing garlic and a cross to keep his voice out of my brain!

5. Baby's First Christmas by Connie Francis...again, CONTRACTUAL OBLIGATION is suspected here, but then again I'm not Ms. Francis's biggest fan

6. All I Want for Christmas by Mariah Carey...all I want for her is to LOSE the two front teeth, then this song might be fun!

And then there's the painful rendition department. There's the good and the bad.

Sleigh Ride
Good: Johnny Mathis, Amy Grant, the Ronettes
Bad: AIR SUPPLY

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Good: Andy Williams
Bad: Johnny Mathis

Jingle Bells
Good: Gene Autry, Bing, Crazy Frog, Jimmy Buffett
Bad: Alvin and the Chipmunks, but then their other songs grate on you after awhile...James Taylor sucks on this, too

Any other bad renditions that I have not thought of? Well, comment to tell me!

Now to the good. I have fond Christmas memories from childhood and have 1 or 2 recent finds that are good to my ears. Highlights are:

1. Anything except "Silent Night" by Gene Autry
2. Bing all the way! Backed up by the Andrews Sisters makes it better. ( a side note: I know it's been alleged that he was a child beater. Well, it doesn't affect his music prowess and that was before my time.)
3. Frank Sinatra
4. Dean Martin
5. "What Child Is This?" by Vikki Carr
6. "Mary Did You Know" by Sonia Isaacs
7. "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" by Tony Bennett

And, if you can find them, there's a couple of CD's of Christmas novelty songs and skits put out by Dr. Demento. I have one, I need the other (and I do mean NEED)

So, just sit back this holiday season, forget your troubles, listen to some great music....and if you have a moment send a few X Wings down Air Supply's trench, if you get my drift!

Northwest or Bust!

   It's been a while since I've posted about a road trip...actually it's been a while since I've posted anything...a school year tends to do that! It is amazing how one can sit relaxed for a little while and let the mind go anywhere. With me, it's either to a fond memory or a wish to get paid soon! In this case, the fond memory won out.

   It is amazing when you live somewhere for a little bit...in my case, about 10 minutes....and have a desire to explore. Once I'd been in the dorms at Sonoma State University for a day or so, I wanted to get to know the area better. The only problem was, I didn't have a car with me, at least not yet. For the first few months in 1994, I relied on my friend Scott for transportation. We took quite a few drives, actually. We got to know the back roads of Sonoma and Marin counties extremely well. Occasionally, we'd also tackle Napa County, too.

   In the summer of 1996, we decided to tackle new territory altogether...Oregon! That was one of the really cool things about our friendship. We could just take some free time and go someplace. Two geeks in college without girlfriends, yep! Road trips saved us from insanity!

   One day in late June (or early July, I have no idea anymore!) we set off on our trip. The first part was, of course, familiar territory to us: U.S. 101 up to Ukiah. It was a pretty drive. Actually, no part of 101 in those parts is bad at all, but the anticipation of new land and sights was in us. A smooth road  passing through rural wine country was relaxing. Scott's guitar rock tapes courtesy of the Time-Life mob syndicate just made it all the more fun.

   North of Ukiah and the CA 20 turnoff, 101 narrowed down as it climbed into the tree-blessed territory of Mendocino County. The highway climbed, dipped downhill, and twisted and turned often. The air was fresh and surprisingly cool in those parts, just right to keep the windows rolled down. Soon, we reached Leggett and the northern end of CA 1, the true coast highway of California. At that junction was the drive-through tree with a sign telling the mileage to Mexico and Canada....Mexico was still closer, but not by much.

   101 winded its way into Humboldt County. It was here that redwoods began to appear. If it weren't for the dinner choices coming up in Eureka, we would have turned onto the Avenue of the Redwoods. We would do that on a future trip and it was well worth it. 101 wound through the Humboldt forests until it got into Eureka. Eureka is kind of a strange town, especially downtown where it's a bit ratty. The gas is also pricier there. We ate at a Denny's, which, in those days, still had a counter. We took the counter where we could eat and converse with our server.

   After dinner, we got back on the road. The clouds were coming in as is common in coastal California. Just outside of Eureka proper, 101 turned into a freeway for the first time  in about 180 miles, serving the Arcata and Humboldt State University area. After only 20 miles, however, the freeway narrowed back to 2 lanes as 101 went further north into beautiful and aromatic forested areas, with occasional ocean views rewarding us. After much climbing and winding, we arrived in Crescent City, a town with even pricier gas than Eureka! Crescent Wrench City was also home to Pelican Bay Prison, home to the worst of the worst in terms of violent criminals. We gassed up here and grabbed a drink.

   Just outside of town, we turned off 101 and onto U.S. 199, the last remaining Federally-maintained offshoot of U.S. 99. 199 heads into more forested areas of California while 101 straightens out and reaches Oregon 20 minutes later. 199 winds through the Smith River area and even goes through a short tunnel before entering Oregon, and we all know how much I live for those!

   Entering Oregon, 199 flattens out a bit but still goes through pretty country. After a little over 40 miles, 199 ends in Grants Pass. It was here we decided to stay for the night, finding a nice fleabag suited for college students. It was run by what seemed to be an Arabic guy who liked his rooms like the desert because that room was HOT!!!

   The next morning, we got up and ate breakfast at a local diner, then hit I-5. This excursion was getting better and better! Interstate 5 just east of Grant's Pass ran through the Rogue River Valley, which butts against the north side of the Siskiyou Mountains. The scenery was to die for. After a little while, 5 came into Medford, the biggest town in southern Oregon., then a few small towns like Phoenix and Talent, then Ashland, the home of a decent Shakespeare festival. After Ashland, 5 begins a steep ascent into the Siskiyou Mountains, and reaches I-5's highest point in its entire length right before the California border.

    Inside California, the mileage signs begin counting down the, er, miles to Redding and Sacramento. 5 winds through mountain passes and valleys for the next 100 miles and most of it is scenic. We make a little detour close to Redding to check out the Shasta Lake Caverns. Caves are to Scott what tunnels are to me: something to be seen whenever you can. They were pretty neat, and a boat ride across the lake was part of the fun. Afterward, we drove through Redding and grabbed a much-needed drink. After Redding, I-5 descended gradually into the vast and desolate Central Valley, full of agriculture to be sure, but 5 goes through the least populated areas with the exception of Sacramento and Stockton. Still, the good rock music helped. We took 5 all the way to Dunnigan where we got onto 505, a desolate yet fast shortcut to I-80. From 80, we made a stop in Fairfield to see Scott's lovable parents, then headed home to our apartment in Rohnert Park.

   This was just one of our several voyages over the next 6 years...yep, 1 year short of a common-law marriage. 17 years later, we are much more domesticated and family-oriented, but I'd give anything to do one more road trip with that guy! I know you can't really go back (2 trips back to PA taught me that!) but one can make a new adventure in a new place anytime.