Being married for over 7 years now, I find myself in an uncomfortable position. Someone really wants me yet the feeling is, of course, not mutual. I've been trying to resist their advances, but the party in question is VERY persistent. I've been trying to cut all ties but the persistence stays. For those of you who may be in the same situation, let me warn you, it is hell.
What? Oh no! No no no, I'm not talking about another woman. The last time I thought another woman was looking longingly at me was just a ruse to get my parking space after I backed out. This situation is much more serious, possibly dangerous. Yes, you guessed it, DirecTV will not let me leave them.
We were seduced by the dark cable provider almost 2 years ago in a deep dark corner of Sam's Club. They wanted to sway us to the Direct side and succeeded with a low rate for a year. Being the tightwad I am, it was an easy lure. However, I soon learned that my new provider was not endowed with 2 big, sumptuous classic TV show channels (AntennaTV and MeTV). My new provider refused to get an enlargement... and then began costing me more money after a year. It began to think it owned me. Well, finally I had enough and decided to return to my ever-forgiving old provider Cox, who was well-endowed but cost just a bit more for the big package. It's ok, they know how to satisfy me. Sometimes bigger IS better.
Well, DirecTV was not going to let me go without a fight. They pleaded, begged, even stalked my wife on the phone. When that didn't work, they started following me around in a not-so-subtle van. When I got to the store, they pulled me inside by force, where I talked to their head "agent" who tried to make me a better offer. They soon tied me up and began forcing me to watch one of their 24/7 informercial channels, breaking down my resolve. Luckily, a Cox van pulled up and their team eliminated the Direct team judicously. From then on, until Cox got fully reconnected with us, they provided us with 24/7 protection. DirecTV, realizing they'd lost us, smiled seductively and said we were welcome back anytime.
If only it were that fun! No, unfortunately, we consumers are left to our own wits when trying to change from one thing to another. However, it does seem that the TV provider industry is like women with low self-esteem fighting for the same man. Imagine if this transferred to grocery shopping.
Picture yourself walking down the spaghetti aisle and trying to get some sauce. You've been using Ragu for years faithfully, and there's a Ragu rep standing by his cans. However, you look at the Prego sauce and realize that the ingredients are simpler and not filled with a bunch of useless and maybe dangerous ingredients. Soon, the Prego and Ragu reps begin pulling you in 2 different directions. When you wrench free, they begin a fistfight right in the aisle, sauce flying everywhere when jars begin to be hurled.
Sound ridiculous? Well, if the cable/satellite industry is any indication, I think the competition for loyal subscribers/users/junkies in ANY consumer realm will reach this point. The fast food wars ought to be a riot on streets where every franchise is within a mile of each other. Anyhow, I have to go now in my Volkswagen....before the Chevy dealership starts to follow us!
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Saturday, December 14, 2013
The Basement Generation
Yes, I have seen it. The image is frightening to be sure, but it is our current future. Riddle me this, faithful (and cheating) readers: what do you get when a whole nation of gen x parents decide to either completely ignore their kids OR hover over their kids constantly, making sure that not one bad grade gets on their report card or not one mosquito bites their precious arm? You get...the basement generation!
Now before lots of dander falls off the ruff, I will say that I'm a gen Xer and I am far from perfect, just ask my wife for a complete list of details! However, I have goals...the main one getting my kid on her own by the time she's 18, latest being 18 and two hours. I want her to go to college, or military, or some trade school...whatever will help her go and succeed and make something of herself. The secret to this is, making her realize she can accomplish things.....and what the consequences are when she doesn't try. The main consequence is, of course, not allowing her and her Pauly Shore-looking boyfriend to live with us while he "finds himself".
No, I see that all around me as it is. The frightening thing is, a lot of those back-home dwellers are in MY generation! And then we come to the hoverers...some may call them HELICOPTERS...those parents who seem to have developed an extreme fear that any outside influences, like flies, germs, toy guns, teachers, wheat, black and white movies, and Disney stuff produced by Disney himself, pose a threat to their child's well-being. Their only solution is to fight all of these environment and self-esteem killing influences with all their might. They de-germ every molecule in the house, fight any grade below A (because, hey, the teacher obviously did not teach the material right or recognize the child's "giftedness", but I'll get into that after retirement), and get rid of child-killers like metal playground equipment, gymnastics units in P.E., and that wretched piece of trash ranking just above Congress...that's right, keeping score so that there are winners and losers in sports, because losing can mean, OH NO....FEELING BAD ABOUT YOURSELF!!!!
Let's look into the future, now that I'm done vomiting. Let me create a child to demonstrate my vision...with a cute name with a French, sophisticated hint...Pathetique! This wonderful, precious, gifted, yet overly bullied by outside forces (like real life) child, graduates and earns (through lots of angry phone calls and blackmail) a diploma. Next, she goes off to college where the professors expect a smidgen of literacy and critical thought. When the kid can't perform to college standards, Pathetique weeps uncontrollably because this has NEVER happened before. Mom and Dad always fixed this. Hey, that's it! Call mom and she'll fix that professor good. Mom calls to find out that, strangely, while her influence worked in public and free education, tuition-based education works quite differently. Pathetique gets her schedule switched so he/she can have a nice professor who understands her better. Professor B proves to be as evil and conceited as Professor A. Mom then calls the dean to demand why these sociopaths are still employed. After the dean finishes his 5-minute laugh and refuses tuition reimbursement, Pathetique 's folks shell out more dinero for a tutor to help her brush up on some things. The tutor realizes, within ten seconds, that his wide-eyed and innocent charge needs to repeat 3rd through 12th grade in order for college to mean anything, then refuses to refund the $5 consultation fee.
Therefore, Pathetique is forced to finish the semester on her own wits and brains...which meant lots of texting to complain about evil professors in basic math and English 101, and all those other courses that make her have to put down her phone and listen. In December, once all the finals are taken and thoroughly bombed, Pathetique comes home with all her stuff. During the holidays, the folks make all sorts of calls, threats, and demands to other colleges who'd be "lucky" to have Pathetique as a student. The trouble is, none of the automated systems bother to put them through to an actual human. Then the parents sit for a few days watching their precious Pathetique using up valuable household oxygen by watching the Disney Channel with a blank stare, putzing on her cell phone with a blank stare, and wondering aloud how she can make a million dollars in a few hours.
Mom declares loudly that an injustice has been made by the school system toward her little gem. Dad finally, after almost 20 years of just nodding, tells mom to shut up once and for all and that they created a moron with no marketable skills. Mom weeps in agreement, and they both decide that kicking the girl out would be cruel, so they fix up half the basement (this is an East Coast family, by the way, so basements are likely), with the laundry and hardware section near the stairs, and Pathetique's half is near that hatch (doggie door) that opens to the back yard. A wall is built to separate the 2 sections. The girl can come up for Christmas, her birthday, and the grandparents' visits. She is fixed up with a microwave, a small fridge, and her bedroom furniture. After much pleading with the cell and cable companies, they give the family the new "basement child" discount so the bills don't rise too much. Food is dropped through the hatch once a week. In other words, the girl is being hidden from the world because, well, Pathetique is well-named (Dad has to explain this to Mom a few times before she gets the translation after all these years). She's their child, but is an embarrassment and that's their fault for kicking the wrong ass for too long. The tax deduction is still there because Pathetique will be a dependent for the next several decades. Also, by keeping her locked away in reverse Rapunzel fashion (below instead of above), no suitors with her brain power will ever invade and try to move in and create mini-Pathetiques.
By the way, making a girl as an example was just coincidence. I laughed at my own name creation so I just went with it. Boys have suffered from Pathetique disease as well.
This is what is coming down the path, parents. The basement generation is already here, we just have to wait until the end of 12th grade for reality to set in. I can see it now. My wife and I are over at a friend's house enjoying social time when we hear an animal sound from below. Without batting an eye, I just nod and ask, "Basement child?"
They nod sadly and say, "It's Pillow's 30th birthday, so we're allowing noise tonight." Then they mockingly put their hand to their faces. "Oops, was that cake made with gluten? Our bad!" Then we all share a hearty laugh.
For those helicopter parents that do not have a basement, have a crew build you one fast. In fact, borrow Richard Donner's blueprints for a "Phantom Zone" if you can, so you can avoid the food bills. However, all of this trouble and expense can be avoided if you let your child experience the world without your input every three seconds. This way, he/she can "find" themselves at a younger age and be ready. Just keep the hatch side of the basement available just in case.
Now before lots of dander falls off the ruff, I will say that I'm a gen Xer and I am far from perfect, just ask my wife for a complete list of details! However, I have goals...the main one getting my kid on her own by the time she's 18, latest being 18 and two hours. I want her to go to college, or military, or some trade school...whatever will help her go and succeed and make something of herself. The secret to this is, making her realize she can accomplish things.....and what the consequences are when she doesn't try. The main consequence is, of course, not allowing her and her Pauly Shore-looking boyfriend to live with us while he "finds himself".
No, I see that all around me as it is. The frightening thing is, a lot of those back-home dwellers are in MY generation! And then we come to the hoverers...some may call them HELICOPTERS...those parents who seem to have developed an extreme fear that any outside influences, like flies, germs, toy guns, teachers, wheat, black and white movies, and Disney stuff produced by Disney himself, pose a threat to their child's well-being. Their only solution is to fight all of these environment and self-esteem killing influences with all their might. They de-germ every molecule in the house, fight any grade below A (because, hey, the teacher obviously did not teach the material right or recognize the child's "giftedness", but I'll get into that after retirement), and get rid of child-killers like metal playground equipment, gymnastics units in P.E., and that wretched piece of trash ranking just above Congress...that's right, keeping score so that there are winners and losers in sports, because losing can mean, OH NO....FEELING BAD ABOUT YOURSELF!!!!
Let's look into the future, now that I'm done vomiting. Let me create a child to demonstrate my vision...with a cute name with a French, sophisticated hint...Pathetique! This wonderful, precious, gifted, yet overly bullied by outside forces (like real life) child, graduates and earns (through lots of angry phone calls and blackmail) a diploma. Next, she goes off to college where the professors expect a smidgen of literacy and critical thought. When the kid can't perform to college standards, Pathetique weeps uncontrollably because this has NEVER happened before. Mom and Dad always fixed this. Hey, that's it! Call mom and she'll fix that professor good. Mom calls to find out that, strangely, while her influence worked in public and free education, tuition-based education works quite differently. Pathetique gets her schedule switched so he/she can have a nice professor who understands her better. Professor B proves to be as evil and conceited as Professor A. Mom then calls the dean to demand why these sociopaths are still employed. After the dean finishes his 5-minute laugh and refuses tuition reimbursement, Pathetique 's folks shell out more dinero for a tutor to help her brush up on some things. The tutor realizes, within ten seconds, that his wide-eyed and innocent charge needs to repeat 3rd through 12th grade in order for college to mean anything, then refuses to refund the $5 consultation fee.
Therefore, Pathetique is forced to finish the semester on her own wits and brains...which meant lots of texting to complain about evil professors in basic math and English 101, and all those other courses that make her have to put down her phone and listen. In December, once all the finals are taken and thoroughly bombed, Pathetique comes home with all her stuff. During the holidays, the folks make all sorts of calls, threats, and demands to other colleges who'd be "lucky" to have Pathetique as a student. The trouble is, none of the automated systems bother to put them through to an actual human. Then the parents sit for a few days watching their precious Pathetique using up valuable household oxygen by watching the Disney Channel with a blank stare, putzing on her cell phone with a blank stare, and wondering aloud how she can make a million dollars in a few hours.
Mom declares loudly that an injustice has been made by the school system toward her little gem. Dad finally, after almost 20 years of just nodding, tells mom to shut up once and for all and that they created a moron with no marketable skills. Mom weeps in agreement, and they both decide that kicking the girl out would be cruel, so they fix up half the basement (this is an East Coast family, by the way, so basements are likely), with the laundry and hardware section near the stairs, and Pathetique's half is near that hatch (doggie door) that opens to the back yard. A wall is built to separate the 2 sections. The girl can come up for Christmas, her birthday, and the grandparents' visits. She is fixed up with a microwave, a small fridge, and her bedroom furniture. After much pleading with the cell and cable companies, they give the family the new "basement child" discount so the bills don't rise too much. Food is dropped through the hatch once a week. In other words, the girl is being hidden from the world because, well, Pathetique is well-named (Dad has to explain this to Mom a few times before she gets the translation after all these years). She's their child, but is an embarrassment and that's their fault for kicking the wrong ass for too long. The tax deduction is still there because Pathetique will be a dependent for the next several decades. Also, by keeping her locked away in reverse Rapunzel fashion (below instead of above), no suitors with her brain power will ever invade and try to move in and create mini-Pathetiques.
By the way, making a girl as an example was just coincidence. I laughed at my own name creation so I just went with it. Boys have suffered from Pathetique disease as well.
This is what is coming down the path, parents. The basement generation is already here, we just have to wait until the end of 12th grade for reality to set in. I can see it now. My wife and I are over at a friend's house enjoying social time when we hear an animal sound from below. Without batting an eye, I just nod and ask, "Basement child?"
They nod sadly and say, "It's Pillow's 30th birthday, so we're allowing noise tonight." Then they mockingly put their hand to their faces. "Oops, was that cake made with gluten? Our bad!" Then we all share a hearty laugh.
For those helicopter parents that do not have a basement, have a crew build you one fast. In fact, borrow Richard Donner's blueprints for a "Phantom Zone" if you can, so you can avoid the food bills. However, all of this trouble and expense can be avoided if you let your child experience the world without your input every three seconds. This way, he/she can "find" themselves at a younger age and be ready. Just keep the hatch side of the basement available just in case.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Oh the Yuletide repeats are Frightful....
It is mid-November and we all know what that means...that's right! WalMart descends to hell's 9th level with holiday shoppers as well as the usual morons who don't know what condoms are. It also signals the soft-music stations' incessant playing of Christmas music for the next 6 weeks. I have no problem with this...to a point. I love about 60% of it, and the other 40% is like hell with mistletoe!
We all have our favorites...well, not ALL of us. I am quite aware that Atheist Americans want everything even remotely tied to a belief system blown up like both Death Stars. However, there are just some songs that grate on the nerves and prompt us to turn to the heavy metal station for a few minutes. Here are just a few:
1. Wonderful Christmastime by Paul McCartney.....I like Paul, really I do. However, I think his Wings era had a blandness to it that he could not foresee. The 70s just did that to some performers in all media.
2.Do They Know It's Christmastime by Band Aid...no band aid can repair the damage from the repeated playings, not even with Bactine!
3. Little Saint Nick by the Beach Boys....once again I respect the band, and I do understand the contractual holiday song obligation, but I think the Little Deuce Coupe driven by Pasadena's little old lady down Colorado Boulevard ought to run down this recording once and for all.
4. Anything sung by Josh Groban...I am still wearing garlic and a cross to keep his voice out of my brain!
5. Baby's First Christmas by Connie Francis...again, CONTRACTUAL OBLIGATION is suspected here, but then again I'm not Ms. Francis's biggest fan
6. All I Want for Christmas by Mariah Carey...all I want for her is to LOSE the two front teeth, then this song might be fun!
And then there's the painful rendition department. There's the good and the bad.
Sleigh Ride
Good: Johnny Mathis, Amy Grant, the Ronettes
Bad: AIR SUPPLY
It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Good: Andy Williams
Bad: Johnny Mathis
Jingle Bells
Good: Gene Autry, Bing, Crazy Frog, Jimmy Buffett
Bad: Alvin and the Chipmunks, but then their other songs grate on you after awhile...James Taylor sucks on this, too
Any other bad renditions that I have not thought of? Well, comment to tell me!
Now to the good. I have fond Christmas memories from childhood and have 1 or 2 recent finds that are good to my ears. Highlights are:
1. Anything except "Silent Night" by Gene Autry
2. Bing all the way! Backed up by the Andrews Sisters makes it better. ( a side note: I know it's been alleged that he was a child beater. Well, it doesn't affect his music prowess and that was before my time.)
3. Frank Sinatra
4. Dean Martin
5. "What Child Is This?" by Vikki Carr
6. "Mary Did You Know" by Sonia Isaacs
7. "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" by Tony Bennett
And, if you can find them, there's a couple of CD's of Christmas novelty songs and skits put out by Dr. Demento. I have one, I need the other (and I do mean NEED)
So, just sit back this holiday season, forget your troubles, listen to some great music....and if you have a moment send a few X Wings down Air Supply's trench, if you get my drift!
We all have our favorites...well, not ALL of us. I am quite aware that Atheist Americans want everything even remotely tied to a belief system blown up like both Death Stars. However, there are just some songs that grate on the nerves and prompt us to turn to the heavy metal station for a few minutes. Here are just a few:
1. Wonderful Christmastime by Paul McCartney.....I like Paul, really I do. However, I think his Wings era had a blandness to it that he could not foresee. The 70s just did that to some performers in all media.
2.Do They Know It's Christmastime by Band Aid...no band aid can repair the damage from the repeated playings, not even with Bactine!
3. Little Saint Nick by the Beach Boys....once again I respect the band, and I do understand the contractual holiday song obligation, but I think the Little Deuce Coupe driven by Pasadena's little old lady down Colorado Boulevard ought to run down this recording once and for all.
4. Anything sung by Josh Groban...I am still wearing garlic and a cross to keep his voice out of my brain!
5. Baby's First Christmas by Connie Francis...again, CONTRACTUAL OBLIGATION is suspected here, but then again I'm not Ms. Francis's biggest fan
6. All I Want for Christmas by Mariah Carey...all I want for her is to LOSE the two front teeth, then this song might be fun!
And then there's the painful rendition department. There's the good and the bad.
Sleigh Ride
Good: Johnny Mathis, Amy Grant, the Ronettes
Bad: AIR SUPPLY
It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Good: Andy Williams
Bad: Johnny Mathis
Jingle Bells
Good: Gene Autry, Bing, Crazy Frog, Jimmy Buffett
Bad: Alvin and the Chipmunks, but then their other songs grate on you after awhile...James Taylor sucks on this, too
Any other bad renditions that I have not thought of? Well, comment to tell me!
Now to the good. I have fond Christmas memories from childhood and have 1 or 2 recent finds that are good to my ears. Highlights are:
1. Anything except "Silent Night" by Gene Autry
2. Bing all the way! Backed up by the Andrews Sisters makes it better. ( a side note: I know it's been alleged that he was a child beater. Well, it doesn't affect his music prowess and that was before my time.)
3. Frank Sinatra
4. Dean Martin
5. "What Child Is This?" by Vikki Carr
6. "Mary Did You Know" by Sonia Isaacs
7. "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" by Tony Bennett
And, if you can find them, there's a couple of CD's of Christmas novelty songs and skits put out by Dr. Demento. I have one, I need the other (and I do mean NEED)
So, just sit back this holiday season, forget your troubles, listen to some great music....and if you have a moment send a few X Wings down Air Supply's trench, if you get my drift!
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Northwest or Bust!
It's been a while since I've posted about a road trip...actually it's been a while since I've posted anything...a school year tends to do that! It is amazing how one can sit relaxed for a little while and let the mind go anywhere. With me, it's either to a fond memory or a wish to get paid soon! In this case, the fond memory won out.
It is amazing when you live somewhere for a little bit...in my case, about 10 minutes....and have a desire to explore. Once I'd been in the dorms at Sonoma State University for a day or so, I wanted to get to know the area better. The only problem was, I didn't have a car with me, at least not yet. For the first few months in 1994, I relied on my friend Scott for transportation. We took quite a few drives, actually. We got to know the back roads of Sonoma and Marin counties extremely well. Occasionally, we'd also tackle Napa County, too.
In the summer of 1996, we decided to tackle new territory altogether...Oregon! That was one of the really cool things about our friendship. We could just take some free time and go someplace. Two geeks in college without girlfriends, yep! Road trips saved us from insanity!
One day in late June (or early July, I have no idea anymore!) we set off on our trip. The first part was, of course, familiar territory to us: U.S. 101 up to Ukiah. It was a pretty drive. Actually, no part of 101 in those parts is bad at all, but the anticipation of new land and sights was in us. A smooth road passing through rural wine country was relaxing. Scott's guitar rock tapes courtesy of the Time-Life mob syndicate just made it all the more fun.
North of Ukiah and the CA 20 turnoff, 101 narrowed down as it climbed into the tree-blessed territory of Mendocino County. The highway climbed, dipped downhill, and twisted and turned often. The air was fresh and surprisingly cool in those parts, just right to keep the windows rolled down. Soon, we reached Leggett and the northern end of CA 1, the true coast highway of California. At that junction was the drive-through tree with a sign telling the mileage to Mexico and Canada....Mexico was still closer, but not by much.
101 winded its way into Humboldt County. It was here that redwoods began to appear. If it weren't for the dinner choices coming up in Eureka, we would have turned onto the Avenue of the Redwoods. We would do that on a future trip and it was well worth it. 101 wound through the Humboldt forests until it got into Eureka. Eureka is kind of a strange town, especially downtown where it's a bit ratty. The gas is also pricier there. We ate at a Denny's, which, in those days, still had a counter. We took the counter where we could eat and converse with our server.
After dinner, we got back on the road. The clouds were coming in as is common in coastal California. Just outside of Eureka proper, 101 turned into a freeway for the first time in about 180 miles, serving the Arcata and Humboldt State University area. After only 20 miles, however, the freeway narrowed back to 2 lanes as 101 went further north into beautiful and aromatic forested areas, with occasional ocean views rewarding us. After much climbing and winding, we arrived in Crescent City, a town with even pricier gas than Eureka! Crescent Wrench City was also home to Pelican Bay Prison, home to the worst of the worst in terms of violent criminals. We gassed up here and grabbed a drink.
Just outside of town, we turned off 101 and onto U.S. 199, the last remaining Federally-maintained offshoot of U.S. 99. 199 heads into more forested areas of California while 101 straightens out and reaches Oregon 20 minutes later. 199 winds through the Smith River area and even goes through a short tunnel before entering Oregon, and we all know how much I live for those!
Entering Oregon, 199 flattens out a bit but still goes through pretty country. After a little over 40 miles, 199 ends in Grants Pass. It was here we decided to stay for the night, finding a nice fleabag suited for college students. It was run by what seemed to be an Arabic guy who liked his rooms like the desert because that room was HOT!!!
The next morning, we got up and ate breakfast at a local diner, then hit I-5. This excursion was getting better and better! Interstate 5 just east of Grant's Pass ran through the Rogue River Valley, which butts against the north side of the Siskiyou Mountains. The scenery was to die for. After a little while, 5 came into Medford, the biggest town in southern Oregon., then a few small towns like Phoenix and Talent, then Ashland, the home of a decent Shakespeare festival. After Ashland, 5 begins a steep ascent into the Siskiyou Mountains, and reaches I-5's highest point in its entire length right before the California border.
Inside California, the mileage signs begin counting down the, er, miles to Redding and Sacramento. 5 winds through mountain passes and valleys for the next 100 miles and most of it is scenic. We make a little detour close to Redding to check out the Shasta Lake Caverns. Caves are to Scott what tunnels are to me: something to be seen whenever you can. They were pretty neat, and a boat ride across the lake was part of the fun. Afterward, we drove through Redding and grabbed a much-needed drink. After Redding, I-5 descended gradually into the vast and desolate Central Valley, full of agriculture to be sure, but 5 goes through the least populated areas with the exception of Sacramento and Stockton. Still, the good rock music helped. We took 5 all the way to Dunnigan where we got onto 505, a desolate yet fast shortcut to I-80. From 80, we made a stop in Fairfield to see Scott's lovable parents, then headed home to our apartment in Rohnert Park.
This was just one of our several voyages over the next 6 years...yep, 1 year short of a common-law marriage. 17 years later, we are much more domesticated and family-oriented, but I'd give anything to do one more road trip with that guy! I know you can't really go back (2 trips back to PA taught me that!) but one can make a new adventure in a new place anytime.
It is amazing when you live somewhere for a little bit...in my case, about 10 minutes....and have a desire to explore. Once I'd been in the dorms at Sonoma State University for a day or so, I wanted to get to know the area better. The only problem was, I didn't have a car with me, at least not yet. For the first few months in 1994, I relied on my friend Scott for transportation. We took quite a few drives, actually. We got to know the back roads of Sonoma and Marin counties extremely well. Occasionally, we'd also tackle Napa County, too.
In the summer of 1996, we decided to tackle new territory altogether...Oregon! That was one of the really cool things about our friendship. We could just take some free time and go someplace. Two geeks in college without girlfriends, yep! Road trips saved us from insanity!
One day in late June (or early July, I have no idea anymore!) we set off on our trip. The first part was, of course, familiar territory to us: U.S. 101 up to Ukiah. It was a pretty drive. Actually, no part of 101 in those parts is bad at all, but the anticipation of new land and sights was in us. A smooth road passing through rural wine country was relaxing. Scott's guitar rock tapes courtesy of the Time-Life mob syndicate just made it all the more fun.
North of Ukiah and the CA 20 turnoff, 101 narrowed down as it climbed into the tree-blessed territory of Mendocino County. The highway climbed, dipped downhill, and twisted and turned often. The air was fresh and surprisingly cool in those parts, just right to keep the windows rolled down. Soon, we reached Leggett and the northern end of CA 1, the true coast highway of California. At that junction was the drive-through tree with a sign telling the mileage to Mexico and Canada....Mexico was still closer, but not by much.
101 winded its way into Humboldt County. It was here that redwoods began to appear. If it weren't for the dinner choices coming up in Eureka, we would have turned onto the Avenue of the Redwoods. We would do that on a future trip and it was well worth it. 101 wound through the Humboldt forests until it got into Eureka. Eureka is kind of a strange town, especially downtown where it's a bit ratty. The gas is also pricier there. We ate at a Denny's, which, in those days, still had a counter. We took the counter where we could eat and converse with our server.
After dinner, we got back on the road. The clouds were coming in as is common in coastal California. Just outside of Eureka proper, 101 turned into a freeway for the first time in about 180 miles, serving the Arcata and Humboldt State University area. After only 20 miles, however, the freeway narrowed back to 2 lanes as 101 went further north into beautiful and aromatic forested areas, with occasional ocean views rewarding us. After much climbing and winding, we arrived in Crescent City, a town with even pricier gas than Eureka! Crescent Wrench City was also home to Pelican Bay Prison, home to the worst of the worst in terms of violent criminals. We gassed up here and grabbed a drink.
Just outside of town, we turned off 101 and onto U.S. 199, the last remaining Federally-maintained offshoot of U.S. 99. 199 heads into more forested areas of California while 101 straightens out and reaches Oregon 20 minutes later. 199 winds through the Smith River area and even goes through a short tunnel before entering Oregon, and we all know how much I live for those!
Entering Oregon, 199 flattens out a bit but still goes through pretty country. After a little over 40 miles, 199 ends in Grants Pass. It was here we decided to stay for the night, finding a nice fleabag suited for college students. It was run by what seemed to be an Arabic guy who liked his rooms like the desert because that room was HOT!!!
The next morning, we got up and ate breakfast at a local diner, then hit I-5. This excursion was getting better and better! Interstate 5 just east of Grant's Pass ran through the Rogue River Valley, which butts against the north side of the Siskiyou Mountains. The scenery was to die for. After a little while, 5 came into Medford, the biggest town in southern Oregon., then a few small towns like Phoenix and Talent, then Ashland, the home of a decent Shakespeare festival. After Ashland, 5 begins a steep ascent into the Siskiyou Mountains, and reaches I-5's highest point in its entire length right before the California border.
Inside California, the mileage signs begin counting down the, er, miles to Redding and Sacramento. 5 winds through mountain passes and valleys for the next 100 miles and most of it is scenic. We make a little detour close to Redding to check out the Shasta Lake Caverns. Caves are to Scott what tunnels are to me: something to be seen whenever you can. They were pretty neat, and a boat ride across the lake was part of the fun. Afterward, we drove through Redding and grabbed a much-needed drink. After Redding, I-5 descended gradually into the vast and desolate Central Valley, full of agriculture to be sure, but 5 goes through the least populated areas with the exception of Sacramento and Stockton. Still, the good rock music helped. We took 5 all the way to Dunnigan where we got onto 505, a desolate yet fast shortcut to I-80. From 80, we made a stop in Fairfield to see Scott's lovable parents, then headed home to our apartment in Rohnert Park.
This was just one of our several voyages over the next 6 years...yep, 1 year short of a common-law marriage. 17 years later, we are much more domesticated and family-oriented, but I'd give anything to do one more road trip with that guy! I know you can't really go back (2 trips back to PA taught me that!) but one can make a new adventure in a new place anytime.
Friday, August 16, 2013
Coming this season....seasons past!
I don't know about the majority of you...well, because I happen to be in the minority of a lot of taste issues. Seriously, when a good semi-healthy food comes to the store, I tend to be one of the 5 people in America that buy it for the three months it's offered. Whenever a new Will Ferrell movie infects theaters, I am one of seven people in the country injecting the newspaper ads for it with penicillin. Whenever a cool funny TV show comes on, I get to see it for maybe 2 months until it's yanked from the air...and it's not even a network show!
We all know what happens in the new TV season: they introduce a bunch of new shows when the reruns of summer crap have been exhausted. The old crap is replaced with a bunch of replacement crap, essentially. And if you have, say, 40 new shows being introduced, we are lucky if 10 make it past Christmas. Often, we are lucky that they DON'T make it past the holidays. We need to face the facts: there are very little new sitcom ideas that are funny, we don't need any more government agency action dramas (NCIS makes all pale in comparison anyway!), I think I'm numb to crime lab specifics, so another CSI will just plain suck. All in all, new TV show ideas are rarely ingenious and innovative. I look for wit, clever repartee, and engaging mysteries in my network lineup....CBS still insists that "2 1/2 IQ Points"(er, Men) has life in it, and we know they're appealing to the moron crowd. "CSI" is still fun but rather predictable. Its only gems are "NCIS" and "Big Bang Theory". I don't know yet if "Mike & Molly" will return, since they never aired the season finale that included a tornado (because we Americans are too sensitive to handle a show about a tornado right after a major one hits). And I've just discussed 1 channel! I don't even know what the other "majors" have.
OK, I do have a solution, but it is rather drastic. First, I have some innovative ideas, but they will require intelligent writing. And since I'm going to be busy writing weekly lesson plans, my free time will be available only to my family and Angry Birds.
One idea is inspired by the success of "Lincoln". A 20+ episode adaptation of presidents' lives, done accurately yet cleanly, would be an intelligent, educational, and, in the case of Bush #1, funny at times. One president per season would rival the life of Law and Order!
Another: you want reality TV? Let's go into the classroom with a hidden camera and film actual teachers, a different one each week, and show America what they really do. It may just bump salaries up if America sees the reality. Yes, I know the kids' faces need to be blurred (I suggest CGI inserts of Peanuts characters). No side interviews and reflections here, it'll ruin the effect.
Here's a good government agency action drama if you're still insistent on them: the adventures of an agent of the National Labor Review Board chasing labor rights violators. I can just see the chase scene now...the agent chasing down the accounting manager who refuses to give backpay to a former employee at a paint factory....all right, I give this one a month.
More reality but this time not a hidden camera: the kitchen in a fast-food establishment. If we really want to know what we're eating, then this will provide the answer..... Once more, no reflections, but the cooks will look at the camera and explain exactly what they're doing. The court cases coming out of this will just make the show all more riveting!
Courtroom drama? How about a jury room drama where we see twelve different people every week trying a contrived case. Yes, I know, this is not totally original, it's inspired by the Pauly Shore classic "Jury Duty!".....just kidding, but check out "12 Angry Men" sometime. It may be black and white and several shades in between, but quality is quality.
Let's bring some daytime-quality fitness into the prime time arena. It would be the fitness equivalent of Dr. Phil. It would be our friend "Dr." Ron. It would be set in a real gym, and Ron would spend the episode talking about various fitness techniques, practices, and the right way to do various exercises. As he himself will have the attention span and energy of a rabbit on Red Bull (as a result, he burns 10,000 calories a minute), it will appeal to most viewers because Dr. Ron will spend only 1 to 3 minutes on each topic so there's no fear of lengthy lectures on health habits.
Sitcom? Let's see, how about a show about 4 30-somethings acting like they're 20-something. They'll hang out at a café most of the time and lament about their pathetic love lives....what? They did that already? And it lasted for ten whole years? Must have been on NBC, I never saw it.
Chuckle chuckle, just kidding. Yes, "Friends" was indeed a ratings and actors' overpaid per episode success. Every year they (sweating weasels in charge of "new" ideas) try to find some magic combination of semi-young "talented" actors that will prove to be a ratings smash weekly. Want to know the secret? Get a catchy theme song that won't leave people's brains except for intense ECT sessions!
OK, my innovative ideas are over, with no sitcoms, but see what we have here: real people in actual jobs require just a little money boost, not overblown, exaggerated salaries. The production costs are very low on all except for the presidential show, and even then we can have unagented actors playing the presidents in their various points in life.
Well, that was part A. Now here's part B. My innovative ideas will cover only 1-2 night of programming, and we need to spread it out. A night represented by my ideas only will make even me puke. No, we need to put the old back into the schedule. As much as I'd like to try to list a full schedule of network shows for the week, I have neither the time, inclination, nor coke habit to try it. However, I will list my ideas for the old by genre:
Westerns: "The Lone Ranger", "Gunsmoke", "Little House on the Prairie" and "The Wild Wild West" (not precisely a western, but a combo of sci-fi, western, and spy)
Game shows for the early hours: original Hollywood Squares and Match Game, Wheel of Fortune with Chuck Woolery, and Family Feud where fast money only goes 15 and 20 seconds). Some classic "Concentration " episodes would also be fun
Soaps: "Dallas" is a must..."The Edge of Night" would be good as an 11:30p.m. show....in fact this should replace Jimmy Fallon after one "Tonight" show next year!
Sitcoms: "The Cosby Show", "Dragnet", "Barney Miller", "Night Court", "Cops", "All in the Family", and "WKRP in Cincinnati", and "Get Smart"
Kids: "Speed Racer", "Electric Company", "Superfriends", "Ultraman", and every Looney Tunes short ever produced pre-1950.
General fun: "The Muppet Show", "Who's Line Is It Anyway?" and "Monty Python's Flying Circus"
I know my list of shows is my own personal opinion. If yours is different, well, it's wrong! Nah, I think if the viewing public had a say in what's on TV, we all may have our own channels. Yes, I can see it now: Bryan TV! I'd restore old EBS tests, test patterns, and old pre-1980 commercials that lasted less than 3 minutes, even if the products no longer exist. The only infomercial would be a product that, when put to your eyes, would block out any harmful Will Ferrell and Catherine Heigl images (which is all of them!). Until that day comes, I will sit back in my deep armchair, put my feet up, and eat a Spam sandwich (Vikings singing "Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam..." as I eat).
We all know what happens in the new TV season: they introduce a bunch of new shows when the reruns of summer crap have been exhausted. The old crap is replaced with a bunch of replacement crap, essentially. And if you have, say, 40 new shows being introduced, we are lucky if 10 make it past Christmas. Often, we are lucky that they DON'T make it past the holidays. We need to face the facts: there are very little new sitcom ideas that are funny, we don't need any more government agency action dramas (NCIS makes all pale in comparison anyway!), I think I'm numb to crime lab specifics, so another CSI will just plain suck. All in all, new TV show ideas are rarely ingenious and innovative. I look for wit, clever repartee, and engaging mysteries in my network lineup....CBS still insists that "2 1/2 IQ Points"(er, Men) has life in it, and we know they're appealing to the moron crowd. "CSI" is still fun but rather predictable. Its only gems are "NCIS" and "Big Bang Theory". I don't know yet if "Mike & Molly" will return, since they never aired the season finale that included a tornado (because we Americans are too sensitive to handle a show about a tornado right after a major one hits). And I've just discussed 1 channel! I don't even know what the other "majors" have.
OK, I do have a solution, but it is rather drastic. First, I have some innovative ideas, but they will require intelligent writing. And since I'm going to be busy writing weekly lesson plans, my free time will be available only to my family and Angry Birds.
One idea is inspired by the success of "Lincoln". A 20+ episode adaptation of presidents' lives, done accurately yet cleanly, would be an intelligent, educational, and, in the case of Bush #1, funny at times. One president per season would rival the life of Law and Order!
Another: you want reality TV? Let's go into the classroom with a hidden camera and film actual teachers, a different one each week, and show America what they really do. It may just bump salaries up if America sees the reality. Yes, I know the kids' faces need to be blurred (I suggest CGI inserts of Peanuts characters). No side interviews and reflections here, it'll ruin the effect.
Here's a good government agency action drama if you're still insistent on them: the adventures of an agent of the National Labor Review Board chasing labor rights violators. I can just see the chase scene now...the agent chasing down the accounting manager who refuses to give backpay to a former employee at a paint factory....all right, I give this one a month.
More reality but this time not a hidden camera: the kitchen in a fast-food establishment. If we really want to know what we're eating, then this will provide the answer..... Once more, no reflections, but the cooks will look at the camera and explain exactly what they're doing. The court cases coming out of this will just make the show all more riveting!
Courtroom drama? How about a jury room drama where we see twelve different people every week trying a contrived case. Yes, I know, this is not totally original, it's inspired by the Pauly Shore classic "Jury Duty!".....just kidding, but check out "12 Angry Men" sometime. It may be black and white and several shades in between, but quality is quality.
Let's bring some daytime-quality fitness into the prime time arena. It would be the fitness equivalent of Dr. Phil. It would be our friend "Dr." Ron. It would be set in a real gym, and Ron would spend the episode talking about various fitness techniques, practices, and the right way to do various exercises. As he himself will have the attention span and energy of a rabbit on Red Bull (as a result, he burns 10,000 calories a minute), it will appeal to most viewers because Dr. Ron will spend only 1 to 3 minutes on each topic so there's no fear of lengthy lectures on health habits.
Sitcom? Let's see, how about a show about 4 30-somethings acting like they're 20-something. They'll hang out at a café most of the time and lament about their pathetic love lives....what? They did that already? And it lasted for ten whole years? Must have been on NBC, I never saw it.
Chuckle chuckle, just kidding. Yes, "Friends" was indeed a ratings and actors' overpaid per episode success. Every year they (sweating weasels in charge of "new" ideas) try to find some magic combination of semi-young "talented" actors that will prove to be a ratings smash weekly. Want to know the secret? Get a catchy theme song that won't leave people's brains except for intense ECT sessions!
OK, my innovative ideas are over, with no sitcoms, but see what we have here: real people in actual jobs require just a little money boost, not overblown, exaggerated salaries. The production costs are very low on all except for the presidential show, and even then we can have unagented actors playing the presidents in their various points in life.
Well, that was part A. Now here's part B. My innovative ideas will cover only 1-2 night of programming, and we need to spread it out. A night represented by my ideas only will make even me puke. No, we need to put the old back into the schedule. As much as I'd like to try to list a full schedule of network shows for the week, I have neither the time, inclination, nor coke habit to try it. However, I will list my ideas for the old by genre:
Westerns: "The Lone Ranger", "Gunsmoke", "Little House on the Prairie" and "The Wild Wild West" (not precisely a western, but a combo of sci-fi, western, and spy)
Game shows for the early hours: original Hollywood Squares and Match Game, Wheel of Fortune with Chuck Woolery, and Family Feud where fast money only goes 15 and 20 seconds). Some classic "Concentration " episodes would also be fun
Soaps: "Dallas" is a must..."The Edge of Night" would be good as an 11:30p.m. show....in fact this should replace Jimmy Fallon after one "Tonight" show next year!
Sitcoms: "The Cosby Show", "Dragnet", "Barney Miller", "Night Court", "Cops", "All in the Family", and "WKRP in Cincinnati", and "Get Smart"
Kids: "Speed Racer", "Electric Company", "Superfriends", "Ultraman", and every Looney Tunes short ever produced pre-1950.
General fun: "The Muppet Show", "Who's Line Is It Anyway?" and "Monty Python's Flying Circus"
I know my list of shows is my own personal opinion. If yours is different, well, it's wrong! Nah, I think if the viewing public had a say in what's on TV, we all may have our own channels. Yes, I can see it now: Bryan TV! I'd restore old EBS tests, test patterns, and old pre-1980 commercials that lasted less than 3 minutes, even if the products no longer exist. The only infomercial would be a product that, when put to your eyes, would block out any harmful Will Ferrell and Catherine Heigl images (which is all of them!). Until that day comes, I will sit back in my deep armchair, put my feet up, and eat a Spam sandwich (Vikings singing "Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam..." as I eat).
Friday, August 2, 2013
Back to School...and back to back redundancy and Torture
Let's look back at an incredibly active summer. We took a nice active trip to Colorado Springs in early June. This was followed by 7 weeks of my eyes actively engaged in crosswords, eyes actively watching "The Edge of Night" discs or "Star Blazers" on Hulu...or the back of my eyelids when Natalie or Vickie are watching endless reruns of "CSi Miami", "Sofia the First" or whatever mind-numbing program we come upon. When the air wasn't incredibly hot or humid or smoky, we'd get to the pool. Yep, very relaxing, my mind is at rest....meaning it is time to return to work.
Hold on there, pardner! Before ya git yer spurs up yer keister (SLAP! Had to turn off Bonanza!), there is a major obstacle standing between me (and the majority of teachers in this galaxy) and the first day of school with the kiddies! It is called STAFF DEVELOPMENT! Sounds positive, doesn't it? It sounds like we're going to learn a whole bunch of new information that will enhance our teaching and bring ourselves closer to our students' minds and hearts for a better learning experience to be shared, along with better bonding and communication among teachers. Let me put it this way:
I'm looking for someone
Who has a map
So that I may quickly
GET AWAY FROM THAT CRAP!!
I hope I don't get sued by the Seuss family for that plagiarism, but I have a serious issue with what is about to happen in just less than 3 full weeks. According to an article posted by a colleague, staff development days, especially early in the year, are yawn-inducing, puke-filled, earwax-spewing, dandruff-flying, Tylenol-popping wastes of our time. Let's look at a typical staff development day schedule, at least experienced by me:
8:30-Breakfast consisting of lots of simple carbs that will drain your energy by 9:30
9:00- Meeting in the library ALL STAFF- watch video of guy in Denmark using an incredible strategy identifiable only by people who mastered calculus to read data from 2002-2003 test scores...after all our past determines our future!
9:15- meet in small groups heavily watched over by administration to learn basic Danish from a printed Powerpoint file
10:00- 5 minute break to refill on carbs
10:05-Grade levels K and 5 meet in library to conjugate Danish verbs
Grade levels 1 and 3 meet in custodian's closet to learn calculus
Grade Levels 2 and 4 meet in teachers' lounge to diagram Danish sentences.
-ROTATE EVERY 20 MINUTES
11:05- 2 minute break
11:07- required attendance in Multi Purpose Room (or Messy Piles of Refuse) for lunch catered by Jim's Trans-Fatty Subs....bring your own chips and drink and cholesterol meds
12:02- Grade levels have 3 minutes to meet and strategize for a rumored nuclear holocaust tomorrow and document the procedures discussed
12:05- Staff meets in library to practice their mastery of Danish by working in pairs to learn to say "Where is the phone booth?" with a perfect accent on syllables
12:15- Music teacher presents (with obvious prodding) lesson on how to teach reading comprehension while singing in the B key. No-Doze (bought by student-generated funds)will be distributed as needed
1:00- The U.S. Department of Illegible Writing will present in the art room a lesson on teaching proper cursive writing to teach from 2nd grade on up. Anyone who brings up the point that cursive is no longer required will be forced to translate the cursive lesson into Danish.
2:00- The Nevada Department of Coyote Affairs will provide extensive training in the computer lab for teaching multiplication facts using coyote dung....implementation during the year is mandatory for a satisfactory evaluation.
3:15-Time to work in rooms
3:18-Training evaluation in Library
3:35-End of contracted day
Is this what teaching is reduced to? Aside from a few mild exaggerations, yes! Every year, a few days before we meet the kids, and 4-5 times throughout the 9-month year, we are subjected to a variety of trainings. Some of them are examinations of test score data that, despite promises that data analysis will help our teaching, actually dilate our pupils to the size of snow peas! You look at too many numbers and percentages and the brain does start detonating synapses!
Other times, we get 3 hour trainings that reteach us how to implement software that never gets used the right way or has any desirable effect on learning.
And then there are the endless binders with papers full of information on how to teach in a new way, presented by someone who just reads the information verbatim with no personal insight at all. These people get nervous when asked a question that isn't directly answered in the binder. They just love when you smile and nod enthusiastically, not knowing you are plotting their intense torture using a weasel on Red Bull.
No, in order to make a staff development day completely worth the taxpayers' money, a new schedule needs to be formed. Here's an example, using the same 8:30-3:35 schedule
8:30- protein- and caffeine-rich breakfast in the teachers' lounge
9:00- Grade levels meet to review any new standards and ways to effectively teach them. Allow ample time to find usable materials in file cabinets or online.
10:30- Introduction of "Math +", a new math series that meets ALL of the standards and breaks up lesson into effective components and is designed for 179 lessons (that 1 day before Christmas break is useless for learning, let's be honest!)
11:30- lunch from Olive Garden provided by superintendent. Or, you can go off on your own! Be back at 1 (because we all know how slow restaurants can be).
1:00- Grade levels meet to discuss opinions of the new math series if they want; otherwise, use the bathroom
1:10- Meet back in library to receive "Language Ultimate", the brand-new reading series that skillfully utilizes reading comprehension, phonics, spelling, and writing skills within engaging stories. Complete small-group plans for any conceivable size or level are included!
2:30- Grade levels meet to discuss opinions of new reading series if they want....otherwise work in rooms
3:35-end of day
See how meaningful that all was? See how unrealistic that kind of day is? Oh well, for now we have to deal with the cards that are dealt to us. That's ok....my weasels are more than ready!
Hold on there, pardner! Before ya git yer spurs up yer keister (SLAP! Had to turn off Bonanza!), there is a major obstacle standing between me (and the majority of teachers in this galaxy) and the first day of school with the kiddies! It is called STAFF DEVELOPMENT! Sounds positive, doesn't it? It sounds like we're going to learn a whole bunch of new information that will enhance our teaching and bring ourselves closer to our students' minds and hearts for a better learning experience to be shared, along with better bonding and communication among teachers. Let me put it this way:
I'm looking for someone
Who has a map
So that I may quickly
GET AWAY FROM THAT CRAP!!
I hope I don't get sued by the Seuss family for that plagiarism, but I have a serious issue with what is about to happen in just less than 3 full weeks. According to an article posted by a colleague, staff development days, especially early in the year, are yawn-inducing, puke-filled, earwax-spewing, dandruff-flying, Tylenol-popping wastes of our time. Let's look at a typical staff development day schedule, at least experienced by me:
8:30-Breakfast consisting of lots of simple carbs that will drain your energy by 9:30
9:00- Meeting in the library ALL STAFF- watch video of guy in Denmark using an incredible strategy identifiable only by people who mastered calculus to read data from 2002-2003 test scores...after all our past determines our future!
9:15- meet in small groups heavily watched over by administration to learn basic Danish from a printed Powerpoint file
10:00- 5 minute break to refill on carbs
10:05-Grade levels K and 5 meet in library to conjugate Danish verbs
Grade levels 1 and 3 meet in custodian's closet to learn calculus
Grade Levels 2 and 4 meet in teachers' lounge to diagram Danish sentences.
-ROTATE EVERY 20 MINUTES
11:05- 2 minute break
11:07- required attendance in Multi Purpose Room (or Messy Piles of Refuse) for lunch catered by Jim's Trans-Fatty Subs....bring your own chips and drink and cholesterol meds
12:02- Grade levels have 3 minutes to meet and strategize for a rumored nuclear holocaust tomorrow and document the procedures discussed
12:05- Staff meets in library to practice their mastery of Danish by working in pairs to learn to say "Where is the phone booth?" with a perfect accent on syllables
12:15- Music teacher presents (with obvious prodding) lesson on how to teach reading comprehension while singing in the B key. No-Doze (bought by student-generated funds)will be distributed as needed
1:00- The U.S. Department of Illegible Writing will present in the art room a lesson on teaching proper cursive writing to teach from 2nd grade on up. Anyone who brings up the point that cursive is no longer required will be forced to translate the cursive lesson into Danish.
2:00- The Nevada Department of Coyote Affairs will provide extensive training in the computer lab for teaching multiplication facts using coyote dung....implementation during the year is mandatory for a satisfactory evaluation.
3:15-Time to work in rooms
3:18-Training evaluation in Library
3:35-End of contracted day
Is this what teaching is reduced to? Aside from a few mild exaggerations, yes! Every year, a few days before we meet the kids, and 4-5 times throughout the 9-month year, we are subjected to a variety of trainings. Some of them are examinations of test score data that, despite promises that data analysis will help our teaching, actually dilate our pupils to the size of snow peas! You look at too many numbers and percentages and the brain does start detonating synapses!
Other times, we get 3 hour trainings that reteach us how to implement software that never gets used the right way or has any desirable effect on learning.
And then there are the endless binders with papers full of information on how to teach in a new way, presented by someone who just reads the information verbatim with no personal insight at all. These people get nervous when asked a question that isn't directly answered in the binder. They just love when you smile and nod enthusiastically, not knowing you are plotting their intense torture using a weasel on Red Bull.
No, in order to make a staff development day completely worth the taxpayers' money, a new schedule needs to be formed. Here's an example, using the same 8:30-3:35 schedule
8:30- protein- and caffeine-rich breakfast in the teachers' lounge
9:00- Grade levels meet to review any new standards and ways to effectively teach them. Allow ample time to find usable materials in file cabinets or online.
10:30- Introduction of "Math +", a new math series that meets ALL of the standards and breaks up lesson into effective components and is designed for 179 lessons (that 1 day before Christmas break is useless for learning, let's be honest!)
11:30- lunch from Olive Garden provided by superintendent. Or, you can go off on your own! Be back at 1 (because we all know how slow restaurants can be).
1:00- Grade levels meet to discuss opinions of the new math series if they want; otherwise, use the bathroom
1:10- Meet back in library to receive "Language Ultimate", the brand-new reading series that skillfully utilizes reading comprehension, phonics, spelling, and writing skills within engaging stories. Complete small-group plans for any conceivable size or level are included!
2:30- Grade levels meet to discuss opinions of new reading series if they want....otherwise work in rooms
3:35-end of day
See how meaningful that all was? See how unrealistic that kind of day is? Oh well, for now we have to deal with the cards that are dealt to us. That's ok....my weasels are more than ready!
Monday, July 22, 2013
Ain't Hip to Be a Square!
I'm not really into doing odes, especially when I don't get what a Greek body ash holder is. I've done a major one recently, to The Edge of Night, by far my favorite TV show (my wife snickers at its cheesiness, which is ok). Looking at the snobbish celebrity world that is constantly thrown at us even when I duck, it brings to mind another of my favorites: The Hollywood Squares.
When I talk about Hollywood Squares, I mean the 1966-81 REAL version with Peter Marshall as host. I definitely do not refer to the Match Game-Hollywood Squares Hour, or the 1986-89 version with John Davidson, and hell no, I got quickly disenchanted with the Tom Bergeron version, even though he was a great emcee. There are reasons I love the one and not the others. Like a good writer, I will now transition to the reasons.
1. The real version had a variety of celebrities. Some of them were up-and comers, some were current (then) actors and musicians in their prime, and some were in their show biz decline and getting rent and food money for the week Bill Bixby once said the Squares were a help during the lean years in his career, according to my HS book, and big-time celebrity Burt Reynolds in his star status days still went on the show because it had helped early in his career. So did Mel Brooks. That's class!
2. The humor was almost no-holds-barred. I mean, there wasn't any cursing, but there was no political correctness. The stars could joke about anything and pretty much get away with it. The Tom Bergeron-Whoopi Goldberg version was pretty tame and afraid to touch certain subject matter.
3. The host Peter Marshall was an established show biz guy who'd done comedy, movies, and musicals and often laughed when there was a funny line from the stars. You don't find many like him anymore.
4. There were about 3 regular stars at any given time: Paul Lynde in the center, Charlie Weaver, Wally Cox, and George Gobel after Weaver left us, and those Cox reruns made me laugh when they were on Game Show Network. There were 6 wild cards each week, adding a bit of mystery as to who'd be on the following week. The John Davidson version tried this and was successful, there was just something missing.
The Bergeron-Goldberg version had about 5 regulars, it seemed, and 4 wild cards, and their regulars weren't comedy gold, in my humble but correct opinion. I've never been a Whoopi Goldberg fan, I don't think Gilbert Gottfried, Jeffrey Tambor, or Caroline Rhea were that funny.
And I think that brings me (why else would I be in this paragraph?) to the point of celebrity. Back in the 60s and 70s, actors and musicians were more willing to work for a meager wage of $750 a week on a game show, and they were willing to poke fun at even themselves. In other words, those people looked like (for the most part) they were having a great time.
A show like Hollywood Squares wouldn't work today. There's just too much cost to get a "star" to commit for a week, even if they were just finished shooting in the next studio over. I say "star" because, well, some people who think they're stars really are hopeful has-beens who think they deserve lots of money because their time is apparently precious. No, the only way Hollywood Squares would work now is to get celebrities through utter extortion and blackmail, something lots of performers could use to take them down a notch anyway.
There's also the dumb-down factor. Anyone see what's happened to Family Feud in the 21st century? The families need more time for fast money than Richard Dawson gave them in the 70s and 80s. I think Squares would be the same, for both the actors and contestants. Try past references, intelligent pop culture nuances and any high-level vocabulary words and those people would be the proverbial deer in my headlights!
So, I hope they put the old show back on or at least on DVD since GSN chickened out on it after only a year. That and Edge of Night would make a happy collection together!
When I talk about Hollywood Squares, I mean the 1966-81 REAL version with Peter Marshall as host. I definitely do not refer to the Match Game-Hollywood Squares Hour, or the 1986-89 version with John Davidson, and hell no, I got quickly disenchanted with the Tom Bergeron version, even though he was a great emcee. There are reasons I love the one and not the others. Like a good writer, I will now transition to the reasons.
1. The real version had a variety of celebrities. Some of them were up-and comers, some were current (then) actors and musicians in their prime, and some were in their show biz decline and getting rent and food money for the week Bill Bixby once said the Squares were a help during the lean years in his career, according to my HS book, and big-time celebrity Burt Reynolds in his star status days still went on the show because it had helped early in his career. So did Mel Brooks. That's class!
2. The humor was almost no-holds-barred. I mean, there wasn't any cursing, but there was no political correctness. The stars could joke about anything and pretty much get away with it. The Tom Bergeron-Whoopi Goldberg version was pretty tame and afraid to touch certain subject matter.
3. The host Peter Marshall was an established show biz guy who'd done comedy, movies, and musicals and often laughed when there was a funny line from the stars. You don't find many like him anymore.
4. There were about 3 regular stars at any given time: Paul Lynde in the center, Charlie Weaver, Wally Cox, and George Gobel after Weaver left us, and those Cox reruns made me laugh when they were on Game Show Network. There were 6 wild cards each week, adding a bit of mystery as to who'd be on the following week. The John Davidson version tried this and was successful, there was just something missing.
The Bergeron-Goldberg version had about 5 regulars, it seemed, and 4 wild cards, and their regulars weren't comedy gold, in my humble but correct opinion. I've never been a Whoopi Goldberg fan, I don't think Gilbert Gottfried, Jeffrey Tambor, or Caroline Rhea were that funny.
And I think that brings me (why else would I be in this paragraph?) to the point of celebrity. Back in the 60s and 70s, actors and musicians were more willing to work for a meager wage of $750 a week on a game show, and they were willing to poke fun at even themselves. In other words, those people looked like (for the most part) they were having a great time.
A show like Hollywood Squares wouldn't work today. There's just too much cost to get a "star" to commit for a week, even if they were just finished shooting in the next studio over. I say "star" because, well, some people who think they're stars really are hopeful has-beens who think they deserve lots of money because their time is apparently precious. No, the only way Hollywood Squares would work now is to get celebrities through utter extortion and blackmail, something lots of performers could use to take them down a notch anyway.
There's also the dumb-down factor. Anyone see what's happened to Family Feud in the 21st century? The families need more time for fast money than Richard Dawson gave them in the 70s and 80s. I think Squares would be the same, for both the actors and contestants. Try past references, intelligent pop culture nuances and any high-level vocabulary words and those people would be the proverbial deer in my headlights!
So, I hope they put the old show back on or at least on DVD since GSN chickened out on it after only a year. That and Edge of Night would make a happy collection together!
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