Let's look back at an incredibly active summer. We took a nice active trip to Colorado Springs in early June. This was followed by 7 weeks of my eyes actively engaged in crosswords, eyes actively watching "The Edge of Night" discs or "Star Blazers" on Hulu...or the back of my eyelids when Natalie or Vickie are watching endless reruns of "CSi Miami", "Sofia the First" or whatever mind-numbing program we come upon. When the air wasn't incredibly hot or humid or smoky, we'd get to the pool. Yep, very relaxing, my mind is at rest....meaning it is time to return to work.
Hold on there, pardner! Before ya git yer spurs up yer keister (SLAP! Had to turn off Bonanza!), there is a major obstacle standing between me (and the majority of teachers in this galaxy) and the first day of school with the kiddies! It is called STAFF DEVELOPMENT! Sounds positive, doesn't it? It sounds like we're going to learn a whole bunch of new information that will enhance our teaching and bring ourselves closer to our students' minds and hearts for a better learning experience to be shared, along with better bonding and communication among teachers. Let me put it this way:
I'm looking for someone
Who has a map
So that I may quickly
GET AWAY FROM THAT CRAP!!
I hope I don't get sued by the Seuss family for that plagiarism, but I have a serious issue with what is about to happen in just less than 3 full weeks. According to an article posted by a colleague, staff development days, especially early in the year, are yawn-inducing, puke-filled, earwax-spewing, dandruff-flying, Tylenol-popping wastes of our time. Let's look at a typical staff development day schedule, at least experienced by me:
8:30-Breakfast consisting of lots of simple carbs that will drain your energy by 9:30
9:00- Meeting in the library ALL STAFF- watch video of guy in Denmark using an incredible strategy identifiable only by people who mastered calculus to read data from 2002-2003 test scores...after all our past determines our future!
9:15- meet in small groups heavily watched over by administration to learn basic Danish from a printed Powerpoint file
10:00- 5 minute break to refill on carbs
10:05-Grade levels K and 5 meet in library to conjugate Danish verbs
Grade levels 1 and 3 meet in custodian's closet to learn calculus
Grade Levels 2 and 4 meet in teachers' lounge to diagram Danish sentences.
-ROTATE EVERY 20 MINUTES
11:05- 2 minute break
11:07- required attendance in Multi Purpose Room (or Messy Piles of Refuse) for lunch catered by Jim's Trans-Fatty Subs....bring your own chips and drink and cholesterol meds
12:02- Grade levels have 3 minutes to meet and strategize for a rumored nuclear holocaust tomorrow and document the procedures discussed
12:05- Staff meets in library to practice their mastery of Danish by working in pairs to learn to say "Where is the phone booth?" with a perfect accent on syllables
12:15- Music teacher presents (with obvious prodding) lesson on how to teach reading comprehension while singing in the B key. No-Doze (bought by student-generated funds)will be distributed as needed
1:00- The U.S. Department of Illegible Writing will present in the art room a lesson on teaching proper cursive writing to teach from 2nd grade on up. Anyone who brings up the point that cursive is no longer required will be forced to translate the cursive lesson into Danish.
2:00- The Nevada Department of Coyote Affairs will provide extensive training in the computer lab for teaching multiplication facts using coyote dung....implementation during the year is mandatory for a satisfactory evaluation.
3:15-Time to work in rooms
3:18-Training evaluation in Library
3:35-End of contracted day
Is this what teaching is reduced to? Aside from a few mild exaggerations, yes! Every year, a few days before we meet the kids, and 4-5 times throughout the 9-month year, we are subjected to a variety of trainings. Some of them are examinations of test score data that, despite promises that data analysis will help our teaching, actually dilate our pupils to the size of snow peas! You look at too many numbers and percentages and the brain does start detonating synapses!
Other times, we get 3 hour trainings that reteach us how to implement software that never gets used the right way or has any desirable effect on learning.
And then there are the endless binders with papers full of information on how to teach in a new way, presented by someone who just reads the information verbatim with no personal insight at all. These people get nervous when asked a question that isn't directly answered in the binder. They just love when you smile and nod enthusiastically, not knowing you are plotting their intense torture using a weasel on Red Bull.
No, in order to make a staff development day completely worth the taxpayers' money, a new schedule needs to be formed. Here's an example, using the same 8:30-3:35 schedule
8:30- protein- and caffeine-rich breakfast in the teachers' lounge
9:00- Grade levels meet to review any new standards and ways to effectively teach them. Allow ample time to find usable materials in file cabinets or online.
10:30- Introduction of "Math +", a new math series that meets ALL of the standards and breaks up lesson into effective components and is designed for 179 lessons (that 1 day before Christmas break is useless for learning, let's be honest!)
11:30- lunch from Olive Garden provided by superintendent. Or, you can go off on your own! Be back at 1 (because we all know how slow restaurants can be).
1:00- Grade levels meet to discuss opinions of the new math series if they want; otherwise, use the bathroom
1:10- Meet back in library to receive "Language Ultimate", the brand-new reading series that skillfully utilizes reading comprehension, phonics, spelling, and writing skills within engaging stories. Complete small-group plans for any conceivable size or level are included!
2:30- Grade levels meet to discuss opinions of new reading series if they want....otherwise work in rooms
3:35-end of day
See how meaningful that all was? See how unrealistic that kind of day is? Oh well, for now we have to deal with the cards that are dealt to us. That's ok....my weasels are more than ready!
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