COVID

    I don't think there has been an era in my life that had as much of a negative effect on my life as the COVID did...or have. I leave that last part ambiguous because I am not entirely sure the whole thing is over.Most people say it is and that there are a just few cases here and there. 

   Either way, it put life into a strange sort of emotional vacuum for me. Well, not an entire vacuum. It left me with feelings of anxiety, obsessiveness, anger, and a good amount of withdrawal. Maybe the better thing to say is a HAPPINESS vacuum.

   Before the whole debacle began, I wasn't doing all that great, either. It's not like the pandemic suddenly thrust me into hell, I was kind of there to start with. My weight was not good and I looked horrible. The summer of 2019 had me diagnosed with a kidney stone and an uncertainty of  what I would be teaching in the fall. Not much exercise going on, either. In fact I remember a photo taken of me and Vickie at the Christmas party at a colleague's house. I looked atrocious. In fact, now when I see a photo of me anytime between 2012 and 2019, I feel a bit sad that I let myself get to that point. Very carb addicted, no self control when there were sweets in the house...and I sought them out at the store. Strange that about 15 years before, I was going to the gym and for a time was looking damn good. Also we had spent a good part of the fall raising a rescued baby kitten from two days old, menaing late night feedings. That had an impact on health as well.

   Right before the 2019 Christmas break, some people at work decided to lead a Biggest Loser challenge for the staff. I figure what was there to lose (except weight). I had already gotten an iWatch for my 47th birthday. The trick was to how to start things right. Someone from back home in Pennsylvania gave me a tip on low carbing my diet. I let the rest of 2019 roll by, getting the bad stuff for the last time for a while. 

   After some early stumbles in terms of my body adjusting (including a bout of gout when I didin't monitor my beef intake), I finally got into a groove of good fats, protein, and low carb snacks. 

   I preface the COVID era with all this because it was what had a major impact for the next few years. 

   In late 2019, I was 226 pounds. By mid March of 2020, I was 202 pounds. A triumph for sure. 

   And then COVID came.

   Well, let's back that up. The various sketchy news reports were starting in early February, translated by Trump as a "no problem, carry on" thing. 

   On March 13, nobody knew what was happening as more cases were reported nationwide and worldwide.

   On March 14, Vickie and I were given tickets for Billy Idol that very night. Not seats, right on the floor standing about ten feet from the man himself! Vickie and I took photos of each other ready for a good time. I was looking so much better than that Christmas party photo already! We had a great time!

   On March 15, Natalie had learned that school was canceled for the next week from her friend's mom and the news came within an hour of that officially.

   The next week was nothing except making sure we had good supplies of necessities in the house. I remember people hoarding water and toilet paper. I just wanted good food in the house.

   For the next two months aside from Spring Break week, we teachers were checking in with our kids weekly, sometimes giving assignments that mattered not whether they were done or not. It was already weird for me. Aside from the well checks and occasional Google Meet, I was doing puzzles and going to the store and watching whatever on the tube. My good eating slipped a bit but not badly.

   After the impromptu "drive thru" 5th grade graduation ceremony in mid to late May, I began what I now consider the insane walking program. It started with some simple walks to the mile-away Starbucks and back. The walks slowly increased to five miles, then six, seven, eight, and finally just one time a ten mile walk! I did this a few times a week, alternating with a "foot rest" day doing practically nothing. 

   All the while, I was still eating pretty well....wait! Not so fast. In my quest for low carb goodies, I got into a bad habit of listening to and reading ads for "healthy low carb" food and snacks. What I did not realize was that many of these snacks were filled with salt, the pork rinds in particular. Still, by July I was down to 185, my lowest in 16 years.

   I had also shaved my head in April, the reasoning being that I hated hair maintenance and if COVID was the end of times, I wouldn't be worrying about hair care. This look would continue for two and a half years.

   Mask mandates began in the summer. They are not missed.

   Our nice next door neighbors moved due to being kicked out unfairly by their landlords.

   In August, we were getting ready for a virtual school year, learning to combine "synchronous leanring time" with "asynchronous learning time" along with creating templates for a system called Canvas that wasn't really used until the next year. For the next three months I taught my kids for small bursts of time on Google Meet, then have a lot of nothing in between. I was sitting in my classroom alone, sometimes going outside for a quick stroll.

   Masks and daily health checks online were mandatory for work.

    And I walked and walked and walked, sometimes going into a short jog for a few feet. I am understanding better now that this was due to a lot of anxiety about myself. One of the things keeping me sane  on the work end was my weekly coffee rotations and brief chats with my friend and colleague Candice.

   In November, on our 14th wedding anniversary, I found out that with the COVID cases on the high rise, all of the teachers were being sent home to work from there for the time being. This was not to be the best time. We had two warring cats that I cussed at in front of my Google Meet. Coffee with Candice was also done as a result until we were all back at school.

   Alex Trebek passed.

   We got new next door neighbors who smoked regularly on their front porch, just 10 feet from our front door. It was to be an acrimonious year and a half.

   My stepdad Don passed on New Year's Day 2021. The odd thing still, to me, is that I shed a few tears when watching Alex's final Jeopardy episode and had not shed a tear over Don.

    In January, Vickie and I got 2 bikes for a total of $100 from an independent seller.

   And a new kidney stone from all of those salty snacks. Tried decaf for a while. Not fun.

   The day after that stone blast, Vickie had a hysterectomy. A week off for both recoveries.

    I finally met all of my kids in person in April. I had met with one over Christmas break at Starbucks. It was a fun almost two months. Even though we were online most of the year, that was one of my best groups ever.

   Another drive through graduation in May.

   With lots of Federal COVID money available, summer school was offered for all of June. I took the whole month for a good amount of pay. Deprived me of a full summer, which in hindsight might have been a mistake. I transitioned from walking to bike rides, including a massive 22 miler one morning, similar to my 10 mile walk a year before. Once again something to prove to myself.

   With that extra money, Vickie and I finally had a chance to stay at one of the Mt Charleston cabins for a night. We also went to Laughlin with our friend Kimberly for a couple of days.

   The new school year began in-person in mid August. Same mask crap, same daily check ins.

   And a new kidney stone from apparently not enough lemon water. Switched back to caffeinated.

   It was around this period, mid to late 2021 that I wasn't acting like myself. Spending way more time online, longer bike rides, avoiding quality family time. Natalie was changing from cheerful kid to  preteen, kind of like Riley in Inside Out.

   In early December, I accidentally backed into the neighbor's car as he was backing into his driveway. Nothing like adding fuel to a cold war!

   In early 2022, all the anxieties over masks, online checkins, available funds and what not, adding in my increasing withdrawal from life, was causing a depression. A few free sessions with a therapist over the phone hit at the iceberg's tip but really didn't resolve anything. My Dad reached out with some money for a fun Spring break and an offer to help with a new car, which came in June.

   Final drive through graduation in May. Mask mandates has gone away unless otherwise directed.

   Only three weeks of summer school offered and taken. 

   Asshole neighbor moved away. Left a bag of cigarette butts in my backyard as a memento.

   In the fall, the daily check-ins went away.

   You'd think with all of that strange hell leaving that I'd be feeling better. I wasn't. In fact, the worst was to come in 2023. 

   I am sure I am not the only person by far who this COVID era traumatized. 

   But then I am also figuring out things started further back than I realized. And it's helping to know that. I'm turning 52 this year and whatever time God has allowed me to have, I want to enjoy that time with my wife and daughter. Before we know it, Natalie will begin to drive and then down the road, leave the nest. I do not look forward to that. 

   Then again, how many parents do?

   To those who made it physically but are struggling emotionally from the COVID era, my heart is with you and wishes you peace.