Inside Out

    Whoa, this is a heavy set of baggage when it comes to movies. It’s heavy emotion wise for me, both movies, actually. 

   I know I usually have some witty starter to my entries, but I don’t really feel witty of late. It’ll come back, I am sure, hopefully soon, because writing about “heavy” stuff isn’t my usual style. Of late, I have been bogged down with a lot of emotions. All I can say of that is, IT’S ABOUT DAMN TIME!

   For a long time now, I can’t even pinpoint exactly when it started, I have had an emotional wall around me, a strong one that kept a lot inside. I think it was designed to protect myself from, well, whatever. Not a lot was getting out except a few moments of anxiety. But once those moments were down, the wall repaired itself. 

   I was not even aware there was a wall. I should have been. Looking back on the recent past , I see where I wasn’t being myself, not opening up to people who are important to me, especially my own family.

   Then I saw “Inside Out 2”…and a few days later I saw the first one. The wall crumbled. Slowly at first, but a week later I rewatched some parts of both and after a talk with my counselor, I began to understand that I was finally beginning to feel liberated in terms of feelings.

   I’ve been crying a lot at odd moments. My biggest moment, though was to my daughter. With my wall up, I was sharing things with her that a teenager did not need to hear from her dad. I apologized for that. A moment in the second movie when the main character Riley was having a panic attack struck me immediately and I made the connection to Natalie’s own struggles as a teen. I had no right to add to them.

   And in the first one when Riley is finally able to tell her parents she is sad, wow, I think that moment will elicit tears from me every time I see it. That’s ok, that’s my personal connection. Really, I see that moment in the movie and I want to hug that girl myself and let her know her feelings are normal and right to have.

   Some might think it’s only a Pixar movie, why am I getting so worked up and emotional? I guess the answer is that it had to happen. I have been reading about these movies and that I am not the only one reacting this way.

   The main musical theme in Inside Out is also a touching one for me, evoking a lot of emotions about my daughter and the carefree innocence she once had before becoming a "moody" teenager. Believe me, I feel that sense of loss now regularly. I know that childhood innocence and fun is an era I will not feel again nor see again in Natalie. Another sad feeling, but one I really have no choice but to accept. Thank heaven for all the recorded bits we have of her.

   A lot of sadness and grief in a short time. Playing catch-up I guess.

   I am happy to be experiencing these feelings again and to be enjoying a better relationship with Natalie. She is the best thing I ever created and the best part of me. So if a couple of animated movies get the tear ducts going, so be it.