Celebrity Price is Right

    I will admit right here and now that I am a huge fan of game shows, always have been, right at the age of two. Yes, I have vague images of that, watching Chuck Woolery host the original version of "Wheel of Fortune". I also loved "High Rollers" as a kid. That show introduced me to Alex Trebek. Other early loves were "Hollywood Squares", where I saw the comic genius of Paul Lynde's bitchiness and the hosting mastery of Peter Marshall; "Joker's Wild", where I got a glimpse of what slot machines were, and "Tic Tac Dough", which used early computer graphics on a tic tac toe board. 

   An old favorite which has since grown stale for me was "Family Feud". What I really looked forward to as a kid was the fast money game, the rest of the show was just filler...kind of like the old "Ultraman" shows were...the first 2/3 of the show was filler until Iota turned into Ultraman to defeat the episode's threat to Japan...er, Earth. Back to Feud, as an adult, I watched the John O'Hurley and and Richard Karn versions with Vickie. When Steve Harvey started, it was pretty cool but as the years have gone by, it's like the answers got dumber and/or raunchier just to get Steve's famous facial reaction and retort.

   One show I did not watch much as a kid but caught more of as an adult was "Match Game". I enjoyed this one less than Hollywood Squares, at least the 1973-82 version. Lately, Vickie and I have been watching the Alec Baldwin era, which is raunchier but funnier and has a better rotation of celebrity panelists than the 1970s version.

   Of course, we have to mention "The Price is Right", a favorite for any kid home sick or faking sickness to stay home to avoid PE. All those pricing games are classics, along with the wheel and showcase showdown. I am old enough to remember when Bob Barker kept his hair artificially dark until I was in 9th grade. The natural gray only helped his ratings and the old ladies loved him even more than they already did.

   And then there is the classic "Jeopardy". I never caught the 1964-75 years with Art Fleming except in rare YouTube clips. To me, there will never be a better emcee of this straight out quiz show than Alex Trebek. His passing still saddens me as I grew up wth the man, as a viewer anyway.

   Sometime in the 1990s, there was a new trend of game shows...letting celebrities be the contestants instead of crap-shoot panelists. I say crap-shoot because it was obvious to me that some celebrities were out to make sure a contestant they did not care for lost. Now, if a contestant had made a pile of money already, this tactic made sense. There was no social media or other media hype of game show contestants back then, so there was no viewer pressure. There was a bit in Peter Marshall's book about Squares when there are times when Paul Lynde didn't like a contestant and he was brutal...of course he was often several drinks in anyway.

   Incidentally, if I ever had the opportunity, I'd host a local version of Squares, with local celebrities. Peter Marshall, John Davidson, and Tom Bergeron always looked like they were hosting the greatest party in the world. That's an enviable gig!

   The first celebrity contestant experiment was Jeopardy, and this was often funny to watch. Quite often we associate actors and reporters as larger than life, but when they try to buzz in or are wrong when they so confidently gave the answer in question form, it made them just a bit more real and down to earth. Of course, the money won went to a favorite charity.

   We also had Celebrity Family Feud when it was on ABC. Lots of retro shows and soaps "battled" it out for charity. The laugh here was seeing our old favorite show actors older.

   Here's what I would like to see...Celebrity Price Is Right! However, there's a catch. These celebrities need to be down-on-their-luck has-beens who never did their own shopping until recently. Also, we need a bit more sarcasm to fit this kind of show. As much as I love Drew Carey, I think Joel McHale would do well here, both as host and announcer.

"Mel Gibson, come on down! Nicolas Cage, come on down! Lindsay Lohan, come on down! Kim Basinger, come on down! You're the first group of has-beens on The Price is Right!"

   I can just picture their difficulty at guessing how much common consumer products cost. I would imagine Donald Trump having the same kind of difficulty and he’s always been well-off.

   Now, as these are has-beens who have experienced financial troubles, they would be their own charity, but having been at the top, the prizes would need to be more humbling. I can just see it:

   Joel: Come on up, Nic. Ready to win something for a change? 

   Nic:Hey, I won an Oscar, asshole!

   Joel: Yeah, 20 years ago. Now you're the king of straight to video.

   Nic: Enough already!

   Joel: Well, let's see if you'll feel enough for a USED CAR!  (an old tan sedan is rolled out) Yes, it's the 1980 Chevy Citation! Shakes when it goes past 55, an AM only radio, and a ceiling that sags on your head. This can be yours IF the price is right!

   The showcase showdown would have none of the frill of what we see daily. "The first showcase is for Mel...where does everyone like to shop? You guessed it: Wal Mart! Enjoy a $500 Wal Mart gift card so you can enjoy the everyday wonders of waiting behind two women in their pajamas arguing over ramen flavors while texting, making your wait for a week's worth of soup dinners interminable. And for Lindsay: the same Chevy Citation that Nicolas Cage didn't win, plus a cash prize of $5,000, which will go directly to those you owe money to."

   Too over the top? Maybe. Too humiliating? Perhaps. It really doesn't matter since this is all fantasy. Just remember to gets your pets spayed or neutered. Bob IS watching!