The Mogul

This morning as I drank my coffee and scoured social media for the latest in political skullduggery, friends' pics from the hockey game, and classic Far Side comics, I came upon something so hideous, so evil...it really gave me a full body shiver. I just couldn't believe that society could stoop so low as to even give this idea any real thought past a Taco Bell shart. You guessed it, someone wants to create a BRADY BUNCH REVIVAL!

I know, I know, it is an absolutely demonic idea, almost to the depths of "Cop Rock" 30 years ago. If you want the Bradys ,there are TV channels, streaming services, and DVDs that give you all the Brady Bunch your sap tooth can handle. And if you really look hard, you can find their later incantations of "Brady Kids", "Brady Bunch Variety Hour", "Brady Brides", "A Very Brady Christmas", "The Bradys", and the recent home renovation of the house that served as the outer facade to make the inside look like the set they once cavorted in.

My question then is, who the hell wants to revive it? Is it a Gen Xer like myself who so loved the Brady family growing up? Is it a Schwartz heir who wants to do their patriarch Sherwood Schwartz honor by recreating his classic monster? Is it a diabolical science fair project designed to test the limits of withholding vomit?

I suspect it is none of these categories. No, I believe there is a more evil presence lurking about, a millenial "genius" that believes it can take an old idea and give it a modern spin. No, the modern spin doesn't mean exhuming bodies of the dead actors and pumping life back into them (though seeing a zombie Robert Reed would be fun). It doesn't merely mean recasting with a whole new set of fun-loving kids playing football in the astroturf back yard. No, these kids will have a whole new set of weekly problems: Jan wishing she were a boy and pondering a sex change, Peter and Bobby feuding over who is the best Fortnight player, Carol's secret affair with Alice, Greg suspended over being a bully, and Cindy's angst and despair over her lisp despite her therapist's best efforts. Mike, well, he's an architect still, but now designing evil fast food micro-restaurants (so HE'S the one!).

I truly believe the one behind all this is the classic "entertainment mogul", the one who sits in an office and has to listen to ideas part of the day and comes up with a few of their own monsters here and there, resting on the "casting couch" during lunch, if you get my drift. I have a feeling an average day for the mogul goes like this.

Mogul: All right, Johnson, lets hear the ideas..

Johnson: Before the Taco Bell sharts hit? Well, sir-

Mogul: Did you just assume my gender?

Johnson: You used the men's room, so yeah.

Mogul: Oh. Did you just assume my diet?

Johnson: The wrapper is still on your desk.

Mogul: Oh. Er...um...proceed.

Johnson: Yes sir. First, we have a script for a spy film. The writers want Lady Gaga as the star.

Mogul: Does she sing in it?

Johnson: Of course! It would be filmdom's first singing spy.

Mogul: Please don't say filmdom. All right, send it over. Next.

Johnson: We have a script here chronicling the creation of Bananarama, but it is set during the Spanish-American War.

Mogul: An 80s British girl band forming before they were born? Who the hell thought that up?

Johnson: You did, sir.

Mogul: Oh...margarita night, I remember. Toss it. Next?

Johnson: Well, we have the career revamping pile for the week.

Mogul: Huh?

Johnson: You know, when the cast from a long-since-ended hit TV show can't make it past that and want to "come home".

Mogul: Oh crap, is David Schwimmer whining again?

Johnson: Always, sir. He still thinks "Friends" has 20 years worth of Ross and Rachel worth telling.

Mogul: My colon has 20 years worth of McNuggets, doesn't make them worth reliving.

Johnson : Speaking of deep-fried mystery meat, that millenial kid Evan had some idea about the Bradys.

Mogul: Yeah?

Johnson: He wants a whole new version, new cast, new plotlines, the works.

Mogul: Aren't we supposed to go for "new and different"?

Johnson: Overrated, sir, at least until the Gaga spy numbers are in.

Mogul: Splendid. Anything else?

Johnson: Well, there are a lot of holes in the schedule in the schedule on Saturday night.

Mogul:On which network?

Johnson: All of them. Ratings are down everywhere and most of the fall schedule has been canceled.

Mogul: Wait, I have an idea. Let's take a current sports star like LeBron James and give him his own TV special. We'll toss in some bands like Imagine Dragons and the Rolling Stones, and even give Schwimmer and another has-been a skit or 2.

Johnson: How 1970s of you, sir.

So you can see just how troubled the TV and movie industry are in. Judging from the number of crap previews I had to endure before The Rise of Skywalker began, it's not getting any better. Until things get better..."Here's the story of a lovely person, who was bringing up 3 very lovely people...." Time to shart!