I was an unwitting victim of a criminal plot this afteroon. It started out so innocently. We went to the state-of-the-art photography studio to get our Christmas (seasonal to the wusses) pictures taken in order to satisfy those around us that we exist, theoretically.
For those who have also partaken in this satanic ritual, you know the drill. You put on something "appropriate" (actual family values may vary), go to the studio, and engage in very uncomfortable poses that will not be seen for at least a week. When the photos do arrive, you really have no choice except to take them home, make a temporary yet satisfying plan to burn them, then instead send them to family members who will do the deed for you. You save one to put in a frame on the mantle....coincidentally just above the fireplace in case the urge hits.
My family pictures from youth were...in laymen's terms...a load of crapola. We didn't really enjoy them as much as one could. Some years, it was all of us, sometimes just me and my sister, and the latter weren't a bundle of sincere joy, either. I think if we'd been allowed to pose strangling each other, the sincerity of the holiday season would have come forth more. Don't get me wrong, I do love my sister...now. but we made for horrible rommates back in the day. My mom never looked like she enjoyed being photographed (and she indeed did not), and my dad put forth that paternal aura that said "this is American middle class tradition and we're not going to buck it, because being different is bad!"
That said, I've taken a different view of having pictures taken in recent years. This is due to being married to someone who likes to have fun. Having our pictures taken is a fun event instead of societal ritual akin to taxes and dental work. We get dressed often in costumes and pose like we are having fun. Sometimes the fun comes out forced. Remember that state-of-the-art studio I mentioned? Its evil lure is the promise of your photo package 30 minutes after shelling out the bucks. It is genius how they lay it all out. Don Vito Corleone could only dream of this simplicity!
1. They mail/email a "coupon", promising a pretty neat package costing only $29 plus "processing fees"....you know, where the real new American economy thrives!
2. You arrive with your family at the studio for an "appointment", which comes from the Latin roots "app" for long time waiting, and "ointment" meaning you were lubed well for this screwing!
3. You wait for 2 hours past the "scheduled" time because other schmucks also came for this pyramid scheme, and pass the time by running your phone battery down on social media or messaging, getting hit by hurled Duplos from unsupervised kids, and watching other families in a similar bind....because $29 plus "processing" is too good to pass up.
4. You get called in for the photo shoot, which is actually the best part. The photographers are pretty open to your suggestions because, hey, you saw the coupon, so some creativity must have struck you. Otherwise, it's the same crap from the old days, but with different props and backgrounds. They take about 60 shots, a quarter of which you're unprepared for.
5. You then sit in front of a computer where they load up all of your shots, put into groups of 3. You begin a painful process of choosing the least hideous of the 3....20 times! Then you have to narrow those choice from 20 to 10 to 6 to 3 to just 1. Then the real violation of the Geneva Convention begins, as shown in this dialogue. You may find some similarities to timeshare presentations.
Agent: Well, here we are.
Me: Forget it, I'm married.
Agent: What?
Me: I mean, I have a coupon.
Agent: Yes sir, of course, sir. But, have you noticed any of these wonderful photo packages, where you can spend upward of $1,000?
Me: I was told not to look, or my face would melt away.
Agent: Please, take a look. Why, we have calendars where we can plug in 12 of your shots today.
Me: We already bought a calendar for next year of oddly shaped surgical scars. Let's stick with the coupon.
Agent: Of course you did. We also have coffee mugs, a collage of every good photo you took...which amounts to 3...ornaments, canvases....really, don't you want your family to remember this experience? This isn't just a family picture, it's building memories.
Me: And I'm going to have a great memory of shoving a canvas where the sun doesn't shine if we don't stick with the coupon...which DOES include a canvas, mind you.
Agent (shaking her head): Ah sir, you do know how to negotiate. Now, here's a magnificent package totaling $562 plus $231 processing. You family and loved ones will cherish this forever...(stares into my eyes)
Me: Well, let me think....nah, the coupon stands alone.
Agent (attempting the Jedi mind trick with a slight hand wave): You will buy a more expensive package.
Eventually, the agent caves to the coupon. They really do expect this eventuality, though there is probably a bell that is rung when a higher sale is made. The "processing fee" is applied, which brings the total to $51....you see where the money is made. We then hit the nearby Freddy's Steakburger, applying for a loan since our money was sucked out for the pictures, which we pick up 30 minutes later.
As for us, we will continue to go there. The immediacy is the draw. Often, having a shoot just for Natalie is better, though her smiles are more forced as she has gotten older. Six years ago, she did a great session laughing and smiling just before turning 4. We didn't even burn them...quite frankly I don't think anyone we sent them to burned them, either....to my knowledge.
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