Le Club Stupide

   Almost a month ago, I turned the ripe old prime number age of 47. Aside from the presents of lower back pain, higher cholesterol, and indigestion, I received a few presents that I could actually open. One of them was a new belt from my wife. Upon inspection of the contents, I saw an advisory paper that shocked me to my very core..."If you need to punch a new hole, don't punch when you are wearing the belt."

   Granted, this is something I would have tried when I was a teenager because, well, I was not what you would consider a safety-minded individual. Yet, over the past 30 years I have developed into an individual who does not need to invite any more pain than already gifted to me. Still, I shudder at the message, that people need to be told this. I shuuder, then I think...then I plan....

   Why of course! It's just one of those many things that are given away for free when people could be paying good money for it: advisories for the stupid.  You know, belts, cigarettes, McDonald's coffee, motorcycle helmets, seat belts. Why the hell are the warnings given away for free or even made into laws? Let's make this a side business, we'll call it The Stupid Club...well, maybe not so direct. You know how damned sensitive stupid people are to being called on their intelligence lack. Let's instead call it Le Club Stupide, for anything in French gives it an air of sophistication, snobbery, and a high price to attain that status.

It will be like the Dollar Shave Club (which isn't really a dollar anymore), but if you are looking for possible warnings to products you are using, it will no longer be on the original packaging. Through various pressure campaigns on Congress, the Federal Trade Commission, and Pauly Shore, who even today looks like he NEEDS warning labels, we have removed all warnings from consumer products and are instead selling them at the appropriate rates.

What is an appropriate rate, you may ask? Simply, the safer the product, the steeper the price, for you make us work harder to come up with something. Take this sample chat session.

Agent: Hello, I am Nick (really Shaheef). How may I assist you today?
Pathetique: Hi, Nick. Where are you?
Agent. Yes, I can help you with that....one moment (2 minutes) Thank you for waiting while I find that information (3 minutes)....I am at a computer.
Pathetique: Right. Ok, so I am at an Arby's and I got a packet of horsey sauce.
Agent: I can understand your problem. Please continue.
Pathetique: I need to know if this product is dangerous in any way.
Agent: I can definitely help you with that. Do you have a credit card available?
Pathetique: For what?
Agent: It is a sauce packet. It's not like it was a Tide Pod.
Pathetique: But I don't know if I can get hurt by this.
Agent: FIne, that will be $50.
Pathetique: $50? Why?
Agent: Processing, my pay, health insurance.
Pathetique: Ok (gives number)
Agent: Here is your warning label: "Warning: opening sauce packet improperly may result in soiled clothes." For $5 more I can add another.
Pathetique: Oh, yes please!
Agent: "Warning: this product contains a lot of factory-processed crap disguised as a real sauce. Consume at your own risk."
Pathetique: Oh thank you!
Agent: Please stay online to complete our customer dissatisfaction survey.

   As you can see, there are indeed millions of morons in the nation that will need this service. And it won't be just sauce packets, it'll be remote controls, clothes, keys, teeth, fingernails, and even your own hair.

   Act now and you will receive our not-free brochures that you will probably just toss in the trash along with your bills. And remember, if you can't figure it out on your own, pay us to do it for you!