While Dr. Delighted is out on a drunken rampage, let's visit Mr. Moore, ultimate film picker. No, I am not referring to the inner nose film. I mean, I am going to literally be in charge of what movies get financed. From what I see in the 57 minutes of trailers before watching the fucker I PAID to see, the job really is not too difficult. It has to do with trends, it has to do with giving the public what Hollywood THINKS the public wants. Just this past weekend, I learned all I needed to learn.
Quality: Nobody cares
Oscar worthiness: Even Martians don't give 3 rats' ass hairs.
Fresh ideas: Pulllease!
Something New for Will Ferrell and John C. Reilley to screw around in: Dang boy, we're in!
A rehash of a classic tale bringing some of the original surviving actors in for at least 5 minutes of screen time: Oh yeah, bring on the bacon!
It is a pretty simple formula, really.
All right, ladies and gents, let's get-
Lady 1: Are you assuming our genders?!
Yes! Now, let's get down to brass tacks. Bob, you've had 7 minutes since I assigned you to come up with something.
Bob: Well, I was thinking of an epic retelling of Pinocchio.
Hmm...sounds promising.
Bob: Really?
Nah! Just pullin' your fake leg! When you use the word epic, it screams of over-budget and pampered actors.
Bob: Well, I also thought of Nicolas Cage in a remake of "Police Academy".
Aha! Now THAT's possible! Except leave out the actors. We'll go through 5 leads before one of them sinks to our level. Sally, you non-gender genius, you left a month ago to do some soul-searching. I take it from your early return that you either found your soul or left it at the TSA checkpoint. No matter, I want ideas!
Sally: This one is killer! It's about the rise of an a capella metal band called the Asthmatics. Their hook is that they all use their inhalers on stage.
Sally, that is one of the most idiotic ideas I have ever heard! It is so low, even ants would stomp on it! No actors in their right mind would even come near it! Do you get my point?
Sally: It'll be a hit?
You read me like an open cook book! Go for it! I know what I said about actors, but I predict Haley Joel Osment will want the part of the manager. Ken, talk to me!
Ken: Nothing solid, just another vehicle for Adam Sandler and Kevin James.
Go for it! Eva, make me happy and not like last night.
Eva: I can't believe what I'm hearing!
Oh don't be so damn sensitive, you seemed to have a good time!
Eva: I did! I meant, have you no standards?Why would you throw this crap into theatres?
Eva, Eva, Eva! You have to face it. The days of great directors making great productions are long over! John Huston, George Lucas, Steven Spielberg, Clint Eastwood is almost done...and the actors? Hell, I don't even know who acts anymore, and I don't care.
Eva: But there are so many great ideas out there! Think of Star Wars! Think of Gone With the Wind! Think of Gigli!
Umm, you almost had me feeling good until that last one, nice fake-out!
Eva: I meant Gigi
Whatever. Somebody DID think of Star Wars, someone DID think of Gone With the Wind...and good luck getting a movie-goer to sit still for 4 hours! And don't even start of the re-telling of history! We could have 10 flicks directed by Oprah about courageous escaped slaves and likely one would win an Oscar, but they do nothing for sales.
Eva: You're a whore!
Yes I am. I never denied it.
Eva: You're also hot!
And I think we're done for today. Upstairs!
So, I don't think I am the best person to decide which films get made. I don't think most people are, because there is no real vision anymore. There are no more film Everests to climb. We're even to the point where technology can create a character that looks real and is merely voiced by someone, not really in-person. It's frightening. It's terrifying! It's time for Dr. Delighted to return soon!
Tuesday, November 27, 2018
Sunday, November 18, 2018
Dr. Delighted On The Air!
It is Christmas season again. How can I tell? On the assigned Christmas music station in Vegas we have Delilah listening to tree sap spewing their emotional problems all over whoever is listening. Delilah then responds with (supposedly) sympathetic words while as far as we know she's doing a crossword puzzle or stabbing a voodoo doll. That is the wonder of radio still to this day. From the golden age of radio comedies, westerns, soap operas, and game shows, we never quite knew what the hell really went on in the studios. I have always suspected a great deal of Captain Morgan, a donkey, and tons of Cool Whip were involved, and you can do the math on your own!
I am through imagining, so let me welcome you to the Dr. Delighted Show! I am your congenital (er congenial) avuncular pal and host Dr. Delighted! We will have all sorts of sick twisted and depressing people call in with their problems and we couldn't be more delighted! Along the way I will select tunes which I believe are directed at you...er, designed to help you with your problem, or multitudes thereof!
Tonight's show is sponsored by Martinique Bay Everclear and Smith & Wesson.
Our first guest is an interracial paraplegic plumber from East Rutherford. Welcome to Dr. Delighted, what is your name?
(echoing)"Harvey (Harvey)"
What?
"Harvey, (Harvey,) dammit (dammit)!(!)"
Harvey, dammit, turn your radio off!
"Oh, sorry. Dr. Delighted, I have a huge problem."
And I am hugely delighted. What's cookin?
"My girlfriend of 5 years just ran off with my best friend of 25 years."
So that makes 30 total wasted years, got it.
"What?"
Nothing, just remembering a joke I heard yesterday. So how was it with your girlfriend recently?
"I don't understand."
Sure you do. Were you 2 at it good or were you 2 at it bad?
"Oh! Well, I guess it was ok..."
OK OK stop right there Harvey! You're already doubting things, which explains why she left.
"Huh?"
Huh right back at ya! You guess it was ok! That means you 2 got in a rut, or you weren't being the best sack buddy you could be, or both!
"Umm...maybe, but here's the thing-"
And let's talk about this so-called best friend! 25 years, eh? Yet he's willing to pork it over to her and throw it all away? You're some catch, I imagine!"
"Actually, my best friend is, er was a she."
AHA!
"Aha? You can help me?"
What? Oops, sorry, was testing my new mouthwash on the producer. However, Harvey, hell hath heaven's hordes in horrendous Hartford.
"Gotcha, gotcha. Was that Shakespeare?"
No, you dope, it was me proving I suck at alliteration. And what you suck at, my boy, is being pissed off.
"Well, I AM pissed!"
No, Harv, you're wondering how you can salvage both relationships. Buddy boy, you can't. There is no friend zone to be found here. You should be angry! You should get drunk! You should wake up tomorrow with some stranger wondering how your briefs became her bedside lampshade!
"Not a bad idea, thanks Dr. Delighted!"
You're welcome, my limp-limbed friend! And here is a tune to further make my point ("Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" plays)
(A commercial break, followed by the "Shaft" theme where the word Shaft is replaced by Delighted)
Welcome back to the Dr. Delighted Show! Up next, we have a former department store Santa's elf named Amber. Hi Amber!
(a low husky seductive voice) "Hi Doctor!"
Oh wow! Amber! Do you happen to work at Treasures in Las Vegas?
"Um, no, I'm in Salt Lake City."
Oh ok, just wondering. Then again, there's over ten dozen Ambers, Tiffanys, Jewels, and what have you in that place. So what's your trouble, Amber?
(sobs) "My boyfriend, (sniffs) my dear boyfriend is in the military, and he's been overseas for 6 months."
I see.
(seductive again)"Aren't you going to offer soothing words?"
Not yet. Keep going.
"Oh. Well, I miss him a lot, and this will be such a lonely Christmas."
Amber, or whatever your non-stage name is, get a puppy!
(sobbing again) "Dr. Delighted, I waited a long time to get on the air so I could talk to you, and this is all I get?"
Did you wait 6 months?
"No."
Did you wait 6 weeks? Days? Hours? My point is, I get that you're lonely, and being dedicated to your man is quite a noble thing. Let me ask you, what do you do while he is away?
"I work for a dentist while seeking another elf gig, and I hang with my girlfriends pretty often. That helps."
Ah! And what do you and your girlfriends do?
(giggling) "We get wasted a lot!"
Yeah? What do you drink?
"Cosmopolitans."
Sweet! Where do you go?
"Oh sometimes one of our houses or P.T.s"
Yeah! And who did you sleep with last night?
"A guy named Vince. He was...hey wait-"
I should have been a prosecutor! Amber, you're feeling guilty and wanted a sympathetic...or just pathetic...ear! You miss your man but you're not willing to miss HIS man til HE gets back.
(sobbing) "You don't understand! I NEEDED something so bad that my girls couldn't give me. "
Oh Amber, I do understand. And that's why I have this tune picked out for you. But before, that, stay on the phone Amber, I have a gift card for Salt Lake City's favorite dildo shop ready to send to you (plays "Barking Dogs Jingle Bells").
(a commercial break for the Adult Superstore and vasectomy.com) followed by the "Welcome Back" theme.
And we're back! Time for one more call....oh crap it's one of these little kids again. Oops, I said that out loud. Inside voice, outside voice, inside voice, outside voice. And you're on, little kid.
(little boy/girl) "Hi, Dr. Delightful!"
Hi!
"Hi!"
Hi. Kid, I can't get hammered til I'm done, can we get on with this?"
"Hi! I have a problem."
Yeah, it's called wasting minutes.
"No, that's not my problem. I'm boy, but my mommy and daddy dress me like the girls at school and give me dolls for my birthday and the Solstice."
I see. So tell me about daddy. What's he like?
"My daddy is a she."
No surprise. What bathroom do you use?
"The girl's room."
Like shooting fish in a barrel here.
"I'm not allowed to even talk about guns."
What's your name?
"Bubba."
And the pattern breaks! All right, Bubba, I'm gonna ask this as delicately as possible. You Mounds or Almond Joy in spirit?
"The second one."
Good. So there's not a whole lot you can do on the homefront besides moan and groan. They want to make you a girl and-
"Actually they said I'm neither, they said something...wait a minute I wrote it down...gender neutral."
Bubba, gender neutral really means you have neither girl nor boy characteristics. It's a fad, after thousands of years, people in the liberal zones are now thinking its bad to be labeled a boy or girl, even though it's been standard operating procedure for quite a bit.
"But what should I do?"
Nothing, at least not at home. You think of yourself as a boy or think of yourself as a girl?
"Um, I meant should I put a on purple shirt with a mauve skort?"
I have a song for this! (plays "Dude Looks Like a Lady")
(commercial break for Claire's and The Pro Gun Club)
And that's all the time we have left today! Remember, Dr. Delighted is always delighted to hear your problems and help you out, in ways you couldn't possibly imagine, or want! Good night, folks!
I am through imagining, so let me welcome you to the Dr. Delighted Show! I am your congenital (er congenial) avuncular pal and host Dr. Delighted! We will have all sorts of sick twisted and depressing people call in with their problems and we couldn't be more delighted! Along the way I will select tunes which I believe are directed at you...er, designed to help you with your problem, or multitudes thereof!
Tonight's show is sponsored by Martinique Bay Everclear and Smith & Wesson.
Our first guest is an interracial paraplegic plumber from East Rutherford. Welcome to Dr. Delighted, what is your name?
(echoing)"Harvey (Harvey)"
What?
"Harvey, (Harvey,) dammit (dammit)!(!)"
Harvey, dammit, turn your radio off!
"Oh, sorry. Dr. Delighted, I have a huge problem."
And I am hugely delighted. What's cookin?
"My girlfriend of 5 years just ran off with my best friend of 25 years."
So that makes 30 total wasted years, got it.
"What?"
Nothing, just remembering a joke I heard yesterday. So how was it with your girlfriend recently?
"I don't understand."
Sure you do. Were you 2 at it good or were you 2 at it bad?
"Oh! Well, I guess it was ok..."
OK OK stop right there Harvey! You're already doubting things, which explains why she left.
"Huh?"
Huh right back at ya! You guess it was ok! That means you 2 got in a rut, or you weren't being the best sack buddy you could be, or both!
"Umm...maybe, but here's the thing-"
And let's talk about this so-called best friend! 25 years, eh? Yet he's willing to pork it over to her and throw it all away? You're some catch, I imagine!"
"Actually, my best friend is, er was a she."
AHA!
"Aha? You can help me?"
What? Oops, sorry, was testing my new mouthwash on the producer. However, Harvey, hell hath heaven's hordes in horrendous Hartford.
"Gotcha, gotcha. Was that Shakespeare?"
No, you dope, it was me proving I suck at alliteration. And what you suck at, my boy, is being pissed off.
"Well, I AM pissed!"
No, Harv, you're wondering how you can salvage both relationships. Buddy boy, you can't. There is no friend zone to be found here. You should be angry! You should get drunk! You should wake up tomorrow with some stranger wondering how your briefs became her bedside lampshade!
"Not a bad idea, thanks Dr. Delighted!"
You're welcome, my limp-limbed friend! And here is a tune to further make my point ("Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" plays)
(A commercial break, followed by the "Shaft" theme where the word Shaft is replaced by Delighted)
Welcome back to the Dr. Delighted Show! Up next, we have a former department store Santa's elf named Amber. Hi Amber!
(a low husky seductive voice) "Hi Doctor!"
Oh wow! Amber! Do you happen to work at Treasures in Las Vegas?
"Um, no, I'm in Salt Lake City."
Oh ok, just wondering. Then again, there's over ten dozen Ambers, Tiffanys, Jewels, and what have you in that place. So what's your trouble, Amber?
(sobs) "My boyfriend, (sniffs) my dear boyfriend is in the military, and he's been overseas for 6 months."
I see.
(seductive again)"Aren't you going to offer soothing words?"
Not yet. Keep going.
"Oh. Well, I miss him a lot, and this will be such a lonely Christmas."
Amber, or whatever your non-stage name is, get a puppy!
(sobbing again) "Dr. Delighted, I waited a long time to get on the air so I could talk to you, and this is all I get?"
Did you wait 6 months?
"No."
Did you wait 6 weeks? Days? Hours? My point is, I get that you're lonely, and being dedicated to your man is quite a noble thing. Let me ask you, what do you do while he is away?
"I work for a dentist while seeking another elf gig, and I hang with my girlfriends pretty often. That helps."
Ah! And what do you and your girlfriends do?
(giggling) "We get wasted a lot!"
Yeah? What do you drink?
"Cosmopolitans."
Sweet! Where do you go?
"Oh sometimes one of our houses or P.T.s"
Yeah! And who did you sleep with last night?
"A guy named Vince. He was...hey wait-"
I should have been a prosecutor! Amber, you're feeling guilty and wanted a sympathetic...or just pathetic...ear! You miss your man but you're not willing to miss HIS man til HE gets back.
(sobbing) "You don't understand! I NEEDED something so bad that my girls couldn't give me. "
Oh Amber, I do understand. And that's why I have this tune picked out for you. But before, that, stay on the phone Amber, I have a gift card for Salt Lake City's favorite dildo shop ready to send to you (plays "Barking Dogs Jingle Bells").
(a commercial break for the Adult Superstore and vasectomy.com) followed by the "Welcome Back" theme.
And we're back! Time for one more call....oh crap it's one of these little kids again. Oops, I said that out loud. Inside voice, outside voice, inside voice, outside voice. And you're on, little kid.
(little boy/girl) "Hi, Dr. Delightful!"
Hi!
"Hi!"
Hi. Kid, I can't get hammered til I'm done, can we get on with this?"
"Hi! I have a problem."
Yeah, it's called wasting minutes.
"No, that's not my problem. I'm boy, but my mommy and daddy dress me like the girls at school and give me dolls for my birthday and the Solstice."
I see. So tell me about daddy. What's he like?
"My daddy is a she."
No surprise. What bathroom do you use?
"The girl's room."
Like shooting fish in a barrel here.
"I'm not allowed to even talk about guns."
What's your name?
"Bubba."
And the pattern breaks! All right, Bubba, I'm gonna ask this as delicately as possible. You Mounds or Almond Joy in spirit?
"The second one."
Good. So there's not a whole lot you can do on the homefront besides moan and groan. They want to make you a girl and-
"Actually they said I'm neither, they said something...wait a minute I wrote it down...gender neutral."
Bubba, gender neutral really means you have neither girl nor boy characteristics. It's a fad, after thousands of years, people in the liberal zones are now thinking its bad to be labeled a boy or girl, even though it's been standard operating procedure for quite a bit.
"But what should I do?"
Nothing, at least not at home. You think of yourself as a boy or think of yourself as a girl?
"Um, I meant should I put a on purple shirt with a mauve skort?"
I have a song for this! (plays "Dude Looks Like a Lady")
(commercial break for Claire's and The Pro Gun Club)
And that's all the time we have left today! Remember, Dr. Delighted is always delighted to hear your problems and help you out, in ways you couldn't possibly imagine, or want! Good night, folks!
Monday, November 12, 2018
Satan's Chefs
Welcome to tonight's episode of "Moore's Chefs From Hell" (I tried "New Zoo Revue", but there was an implied copyright lawsuit threat). We gathered 3 chefs from all walks of life along with 3 judges we literally kidnapped via a clever timeshare presentation gimmick: come to our presentation or we'll wire your TV to receive only Bea Arthur shows).
Please welcome our chefs: Dale, a busser at a Sizzler in Kingman, Arizona. Chet, a roach coach driver in Fresno. Finally, Charlene who makes the best shoo fly pie in her trailer park in Topeka.
Tonight's challenge: create an entree using the following ingredients: a half-eaten Twinkie thrown out by Keith Richards, Velveeta, Clamato, maggots from my back porch, Tab Cola, and day-old McNuggets.
Dale: I've been waiting to do this!
Chet: This will make a great burrito!
Charlene: Shit, I hate Tab!
Me: And, as an extra challenge, you'll be using cookware purchased at Dollar Tree and a kitchen from a studio apartment. You have 45 minutes and 18 1/2 seconds. Go!
While our chefs fumble about trying to remember how to turn on an oven, let us step back and take a look at cooking shows. In the good old days, we had one chef on TV, a large loving woman named Julia Child, who would make dishes with absolutely no problems and made housewives salivate with thoughts of murder when their crepes suzette morphed into green Ho Hos.
Then there were cook books by Betty Crocker that always left out something so obvious (to Betty anyway) that made the difference between meat loaf and KFC cole slaw. Of course, we cannot forget grandma's handwritten recipes for stuffing in their own form of cursive that only forensic experts can decipher! Yes, I LOVE old traditions!
However, in recent years there has been an influx of "celebrity chefs" who not only compete for prizes their egos don't really need, but also judge poor upcomer chefs on the littlest things, from underdone meat to overboiled orange Kool Aid. In other words, they make every day kitchen mishaps into major sins. The advent of the Food Network has made home cooking into something of a challenge for many Americans. We don't need this crap! Sub-par home cooking is the cornerstone of American society! When I invite someone over for dinner, it is just not right if they don't back up 10 feet before turning into an outright run to the Mexican border to avoid my baked chicken!
All right, back to the show.
Me: All right chefs, as an added challenge, you are required to add minty waxed dental floss into your entree.
Charlene: I do that all the time!
Chet: That usually holds my truck's engine together.
Dale: You're a dick!
Me: Just for that, you have 6 minutes left! REAL chefs can do this! All right, while they sweat over this, let me introduce our judges: my wife Vickie, William Shatner, and Joe Walsh. A quick look back at our chefs. Uh oh, Dale set the sink on fire...Charlene is being strangled by the Clamato bottle, and Chet's hand is melting after touching the Velveeta without gloves.
TIME'S UP EVERYONE! Chet, what did you make?
Chet: A peanut butter English muffin.
Me: Chefs?
Vickie: Well, I don't care about your plating because I just eat it, it's not a museum exhibit.
Shatner: I love how you mixed the Clamato with the Twinkie, though you should have KNOWN the VELVEETA would MELT your HAND!
Walsh: Hope your life's been good, because this shit ain't!
Me: Thank you! Charlene, what did you make?
Charlene: I made a chocolate ganash with a Tide Pod finish.
Me:Although this isn't a dessert round, we'll let it pass since all of these cooking shows have a ganash in there somewhere and it's fun to say. GANASH! Judges?
Vickie: The ganash is crap, but the Tide Pod bit is genius!
Shatner: (snoring)
Walsh: I agree, more people should make their own Tide Pods. It's economical and easy, eaten many myself.
Me: And finally Dale.
Dale: Well, having worked at Sizzler and stealing regularly from the salad bar, I made fried chicken wings.
Me: Ooh! I always wondered if there was any leftover Twinkie in those. Judges?
Vickie: Me too, but unfortunately my 9 year old could do better than this with peanuts and bread crumbs.
Shatner (mumbling about Takei)
Walsh: Man, you could open a wing joint with this! Awesome job!
Me: And there you have it, folks. You can gather whomever to cook and whomever to judge and in the end, it makes no difference. TV food is a fantasy never to be attained, while real food is a nightmare we are all used to, why change it? Good night everybody!
Please welcome our chefs: Dale, a busser at a Sizzler in Kingman, Arizona. Chet, a roach coach driver in Fresno. Finally, Charlene who makes the best shoo fly pie in her trailer park in Topeka.
Tonight's challenge: create an entree using the following ingredients: a half-eaten Twinkie thrown out by Keith Richards, Velveeta, Clamato, maggots from my back porch, Tab Cola, and day-old McNuggets.
Dale: I've been waiting to do this!
Chet: This will make a great burrito!
Charlene: Shit, I hate Tab!
Me: And, as an extra challenge, you'll be using cookware purchased at Dollar Tree and a kitchen from a studio apartment. You have 45 minutes and 18 1/2 seconds. Go!
While our chefs fumble about trying to remember how to turn on an oven, let us step back and take a look at cooking shows. In the good old days, we had one chef on TV, a large loving woman named Julia Child, who would make dishes with absolutely no problems and made housewives salivate with thoughts of murder when their crepes suzette morphed into green Ho Hos.
Then there were cook books by Betty Crocker that always left out something so obvious (to Betty anyway) that made the difference between meat loaf and KFC cole slaw. Of course, we cannot forget grandma's handwritten recipes for stuffing in their own form of cursive that only forensic experts can decipher! Yes, I LOVE old traditions!
However, in recent years there has been an influx of "celebrity chefs" who not only compete for prizes their egos don't really need, but also judge poor upcomer chefs on the littlest things, from underdone meat to overboiled orange Kool Aid. In other words, they make every day kitchen mishaps into major sins. The advent of the Food Network has made home cooking into something of a challenge for many Americans. We don't need this crap! Sub-par home cooking is the cornerstone of American society! When I invite someone over for dinner, it is just not right if they don't back up 10 feet before turning into an outright run to the Mexican border to avoid my baked chicken!
All right, back to the show.
Me: All right chefs, as an added challenge, you are required to add minty waxed dental floss into your entree.
Charlene: I do that all the time!
Chet: That usually holds my truck's engine together.
Dale: You're a dick!
Me: Just for that, you have 6 minutes left! REAL chefs can do this! All right, while they sweat over this, let me introduce our judges: my wife Vickie, William Shatner, and Joe Walsh. A quick look back at our chefs. Uh oh, Dale set the sink on fire...Charlene is being strangled by the Clamato bottle, and Chet's hand is melting after touching the Velveeta without gloves.
TIME'S UP EVERYONE! Chet, what did you make?
Chet: A peanut butter English muffin.
Me: Chefs?
Vickie: Well, I don't care about your plating because I just eat it, it's not a museum exhibit.
Shatner: I love how you mixed the Clamato with the Twinkie, though you should have KNOWN the VELVEETA would MELT your HAND!
Walsh: Hope your life's been good, because this shit ain't!
Me: Thank you! Charlene, what did you make?
Charlene: I made a chocolate ganash with a Tide Pod finish.
Me:Although this isn't a dessert round, we'll let it pass since all of these cooking shows have a ganash in there somewhere and it's fun to say. GANASH! Judges?
Vickie: The ganash is crap, but the Tide Pod bit is genius!
Shatner: (snoring)
Walsh: I agree, more people should make their own Tide Pods. It's economical and easy, eaten many myself.
Me: And finally Dale.
Dale: Well, having worked at Sizzler and stealing regularly from the salad bar, I made fried chicken wings.
Me: Ooh! I always wondered if there was any leftover Twinkie in those. Judges?
Vickie: Me too, but unfortunately my 9 year old could do better than this with peanuts and bread crumbs.
Shatner (mumbling about Takei)
Walsh: Man, you could open a wing joint with this! Awesome job!
Me: And there you have it, folks. You can gather whomever to cook and whomever to judge and in the end, it makes no difference. TV food is a fantasy never to be attained, while real food is a nightmare we are all used to, why change it? Good night everybody!
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