2017

2017...It would be easy for me to rate this year simplistically, but it was a different year for many people. Well, all years really are like that, but this particular one was tumultuosity (I made that one up) at its best.

For the celebrity world, we lost a SHITLOAD of people, more than other years, it seems. Mary Tyler Moore, Tom Petty, Bill Paxton, Judge Wapner, Chuck Berry AND Chuck Barris ( conspiracy there?), Don Rickles, J. Geils, Powers Boothe, Roger Moore, Greg Allman, Adam West, Martin Landau, Glen Campbell, Jerry Lewis, Don Williams, Hugh Hefner, Fats Domino, Robert Guillaume, Rose Marie, Della Reese, and now author Sue Grafton, to name many (but not all). I know that a lot of the older folks will leave us as time goes on, which is still sad as they are forever beloved, but the ones who went before their time, well, I can only imagine it was part of God's plan, and therefore must accept it.

For the political world, it was chaotic, to put it nicely, and 2018 looks to be even more so. Many people did not believe that Donald Trump would make it to the White House, but he did. Social media has been abuzz with propaganda on both sides, either condemning the right or left. I can't even comment on those anymore as they contain half-truths or outright lies most of the time. A lot of the population is scared because Trump appears to want to undo what Obama had done. I could go into a lot of those policies and laws, but by golly some people want to keep reading and I will not get mired in such molasses-laden goo.

In the entertainment world, well, I cannot really say much because I really haven't SEEN much. Boss Baby, Guardians of the Galaxy 2, and The Last Jedi are about it. TV is a wasteland save for a few shows.

On that note, though, I will say that The Big Bang Theory crew might want to hold on to that show as long as they can, because there is a syndrome of long-running ensemble comedy shows where the stars try to maintain their fame in other shows or movies and end up falling from the spotlight...not that I feel sorry for people who make more than quadruple my salary, but soul-crushing experiences are hard to see...so I change the channel to...

Terror. There has been a lot of it this year. From weather to mass shootings, people are scared. Hell, I'm scared some days, and that's just going to the store to get milk! Until the political world learns to work together and try to find a happy medium, the weather will continue to terrorize us. Er, I mean there will be unrest among everyone, and some prefer to end it all and take others with them. I have some tough days, grant you, and there are times when I wonder if it is worth getting out of bed or leaving the house.

But then I realize I am the man of the house (and the only driver) and I can't let my fears take me over, because Vickie and Natalie depend upon me to get the job done. It's a good feeling to be needed.

On the job front, I have been with the same school district for 16 years. There are teachers who are fed up with the system and dread coming to work. There are others getting near retirement and give less of a shit. And then there are those like me who can find someplace else to work. Oh, I know there are problems everywhere, but I think there are districts that have more balance. I am talking other states here, not staying in Nevada.

What is wrong with the system? Once again, it is a long narrative. but to simplify it...nah, there is no simplification. Overstuffed higher administration depletes funds that should go to students' needs, continued testing up the ass takes away from teaching time, educators' salaries not keeping up with the times, and parents who guard their children's every move lest they get a boo-boo and if they get a boo-boo, it's the teacher's and/or school's fault. You can't function in a system like that without going crazy.

And then there is the personal front....which I cover up to not damage your eyes! Nah, I'll let you suffer...

I love my family! They are the constants who make me who I am, for better or worse. Vickie struggles with many things health-wise and has been seeing the doctor more often to take care of things. A positive sign. Natalie continues to flourish in life, though her wild but fun spirit needs to be tempered at times... all part of childhood!

My relationship with my in-laws is a forever-fluctuating status. Really, it all comes down to how Vickie is treated. My relationship with her brother is pretty consistent always, which is good. As for her mom, that is a rollercoaster that has been up and down for almost 12 years now, and that is always due to how Vickie is treated. This year has been MOSTLY an up. When the time comes for us to move, the fluctuation will become moot.

As for myself, I am still thrilled to have taken such a great road trip this past summer, and would like to take another one if possible next year. I want to move, but will not move until an opportunity comes to make it possible, and the only person who can make an opportunity happen is me. It is time.

HAPPY 2018 EVERYONE! AND COVER YOUR FRONTS!

The Last Jedi, or the Last film of Carrie Fisher!

   Yes, I have seen it. Today. Finally. So stop asking me!

   Sorry, for the uptight tone, but people have to understand what a trauma I have been through in my life! From the ages of 4-10, I awaited the showtimes for Star Wars and its 2 sequels. I also eagerly awaited their rereleases for years after, and the "special editions" in 1997. Of course, I never saw any problem with the original versions, though "Empire" made some better use of its soundtrack in places in the 1997 recut.

   Then, I came upon the dark side of Star Wars, known as the udderly (because it leaked so much) disgusting Prequel Trilogy...ugghhh, I could hardly stand to even make those proper nouns! You may retort, "Well if they were so horrible, why did you go see them? Huh? Huh?"  Simple! We fans were hoping things would improve. However, the producers saw that we were so gullible after watching a movie with a long-ass pod race that we'd be dumb enough to stomach "Attack of the Clones". Granted, "Revenge of the Sith" had a few redeeming factors, but we'd come to learn many things from those Prequels:

1. Obi Wan always seemed to need rescuing at least once in each movie, making him less credible as a wise old desert hermit and later wise apparition in the originals. That just did not do.

2. Even as a lad, Anakin was pretty despicable. No sympathy for him at all.

3. Yoda wasn't a whimsical Muppet but rather a downer. Simply unacceptable.

4. Samuel L. Jackson does not sound credible without uttering "mother-fucker" at least 6 times in a 20 minute period!

5. Fast-paced lightsaber duels aren't cool, they give me a headache.

6. Massive CGI will always lose over good story and good dialogue.

   I thought that was the end and therefore was relieved. Then 2 years ago I got an even worse shock...George Lucas had sold Lucasfilm to Disney and they were going to make Episode 7! Nooooo, I can't do Star Wars with annoying music numbers and teeny-boppers who will be pop music stars and sluts in 5 years! I was frightened, petrified, disgusted, even mildly concerned the new movie would be a flop. Then I saw "The Force Awakens" and I was pleasantly amazed, thrilled, even half-smiling, that not only was the CGI not thrown at me, but the lines were good, the story was decent, and we had a return of favorite characters that we thought we'd never see again. My hopes were raised. The best part was that Mark Hamill got top billing for just appearing at the end and didn't say a damn thing! That beats Marlon Brando for the first few minutes of 1978's "Superman"

   Of course, there was the interim "Rogue One" last year....I am still in therapy over that one, let's move on.

   Tonight I saw "The Last Jedi" and was pleasantly amazed that it was better than episode 7 and had a lot of different facets and story arcs that came together at the end. I still wonder who the hell Snoke is and where he came from...he sounds like an early 1980s Saturday morning cartoon with a breakfast cereal tie-in! Aside from that...

1. Glad to see Luke one with the Force again. He is wittier and more fun to watch. Not exactly a joke on his younger self, just what age and trauma can do to a Jedi...kind of like 16 years as a Las Vegas teacher!

2. Leia is great, but the old banter that made her and Han fun to watch is gone. (SPOILER) She is alive at the end, but Carrie Fisher is no longer with us...how will they handle this in Episode IX?

3. The lightsaber action is less fast-paced...actually pretty minimal, kind of disappointing in a way.

4. The Millennium Falcon is the symbol of rescue, coolness, and quick getaways...she holds it together better than ever here!

5. Rey kind of annoys me (the accent maybe?)but I root for her. She is that lost soul that proves that the Force is throughout the galaxy, not just with the Skywalkers.

6. General Hux, the Nazi-ish commander of the First Order fleet, reminds me of a guest German on a "Hogan's Heroes" episode. His death would be nice.

7. Po is fun to watch, brash and undisciplined, but knows a no-win when he sees one. Finn always looks like he accidentally wandered into the ladies room and doesn't know how to smoothly get out.

To end, I'd recommend this movie to anyone who is a true Star Wars fan. The series is not overly-Disney-fied, in fact quite the opposite, it gets intense at times. But you do understand how my emotions have rollercoastered from high to low to high again. I can't take anymore extremes! Get me a bowl of Cinnamon Snokes!

Santa: Customer Complaints

   Today I came home, had a snack, then went about doing my favorite activity in the world...napping until bedtime! No, in all seriousness, I looked up one of those many articles floating around on social media about customer service nightmares...this time regarding the customers themselves. The old adage about the customer always being right is, in reality, a load of shit. A lot of your Joe Consumers are scamming, greedy, assholes whose sole intent is getting free stuff no matter what.

   So, it occurs to me that our friendly neighborhood Santa Claus, the greatest source of generosity and good humor in the world second only to Harvey Keitel, has a list of the naughty and nice experiences he's had on his one big night of sustained employment per year. As this is me, I will focus on the naughty.

Enough HO HO HOs without the HOE HOE HOEs!

   Look, I may be a jolly old elf, but I'm also a guy and I do enjoy looking at a gorgeous woman now and then. Yes, my wife knows this about me. Heck, I've seen a few sights on Christmas Eve that spice  my marriage up to at least April. That being said, I AM a happily married man! Every year there are at least 150 HOE HOE HOES waiting for me when I scramble out of the chimney and it's not the sack of toys they're reaching for! Ladies, please, I appreciate you wanting to warm me up, but some hot cocoa will do, thank you.

It's a Trap!

   You kids want your presents? Well, you need to stop trying to imprison me. You made it on the nice list, okay? That means you were GOOD! You earned your presents. Trying to keep me longer at your house is by far the stupidest thing you try, and believe me, I have several of you in my files who have tried locking me in a cage, trapping me with your St. Bernard in his house...one of you tried rigging your couch to drop on me when I walked under it! What do you think will happen? Are you trying to get more presents in a ransom ploy? Do you just want to see me? Well, knock it off, that magical clock on Christmas Eve is NOT eternal! Besides, after all the milk and cookies I've scarfed down, you don't want to SMELL me! Speaking of which...

No Gourmet for the Good Elf!

   Look, people, we've had a nice system for a few centuries now. Milk and cookies for me, some carrots for the reindeer. I'm actually pretty happy with some iced oatmeal cookies from a box. I'm pretty easy to please. That being said, STOP WITH THE FANCY GOURMET JUNK! Every year, I stop at the home of some Paula Deen or Rachael Ray that tries to slip me some carrot caramel muffins or oatmeal ganache or some carrot souffle touched with extract of dragonfruit! You have to understand, I have in my sleigh a supply of Pepto, Gas X, and other gastro shields that get me through the night, and these fancy schmancy dishes you learned from Food Network make it harder for the meds to work! Keep it simple, stupid!

Gift Lists From, er, Down Under!

   I do enjoy getting your lists of things you want. Heck, I get a good laugh out of some of the challenges you set forth for the toy factory. However, I think there is a limit. Sure, we can do the video game system or the tablet and forge the company logos on them. We're tech-savvy. We are NOT in the human cloning business, though. Asking for a new daddy or a new mommy is just something we're not equipped for. We can manage something INFLATABLE, though, and I'm pretty sure mommy or daddy can make some use out of it. But let's keep the match-making to Tinder until further notice.

Home Security Blues

   Umm, it's Christmas Eve. I think just this one night in the year, we can turn the laser grid off. I'm Santa Claus, not Tom Cruise's stunt double. It's hard enough to get to the tree among your other obstacles without having to become an acrobat. And when that, er, "jolly" sound comes on, I have to haul Santa Butt and get up the chimney before the alarm police (people I gave plastic badges to when they were kids and they missed the mark somewhere) make a nuisance of themselves. Trying to get up a chimney while being asked your password is a jolly pain!

About All my Street Elves ...

   We need to talk about the schmucks (yes, Santa can say that) who you see at stores, malls, and on street corners. Hate to let you know this but they're not....wait, yes, of COURSE they're my people! Don't be silly. However, I have some elves who need some, well, remedial, perhaps medieval, discipline. Some are not meeting the jolly standards I expect at the North Pole. So I quality control them by making them listen to all the kids' wishes, feel the urine flow, and ring bells to get money for charity. Some have returned to me reformed and jolly. Some have remained down there for decades, even centuries. But an elf is an elf, and is always welcome home when they get their act straight....IF they get their act straight.

Mrs. Claus

   Oh yes, in those letters those wonderful kids send me, about one in four asks about Mrs. Claus. Umm, exactly what do you want to know? Yes, she sews socks and underwear like Betsy Ross on crack! Yes, she cooks and force-feeds me for a month until the LDL level requires statin meds. What else do you want to know? You think we sit in rocking chairs and play bingo for the rest of the year like we're in some Sun City retirement prison? No, my wife has a few tricks that make a year fly pretty quick. See? I gain the weight in a month, lose it through, er, EXERCISE for 11 months, then repeat the cycle. You want me to paint a picture? It ain't Norman Rockwell, folks!

And Finally, The Fire Hazard!

   Yes, I come down a fireplace, I magically make one just to enter when your home has none. I prefer this, actually because my creations have no flames. And then there are those of you who not only leave some embers burning, you apparently poured enough lighter fluid to attract a satellite's attention! Contrary to Tim Allen holiday fantasies, my suit is NOT the most flame retardant material in the North. Put out the fires before midnight, folks, 3rd degree burns are not the best way to celebrate Christmas Day!