That does not compute!

    As I sit here typing what drivel has to come out of my head from time to time, I cannot help but marvel at the splendid progression of technology...and how I am always about 10 steps behind that progression! Seriously, even though my wife has supplied me at various times with color-changing speakers and color-enhanced keyboards, my machine is state of the art...for 1999 almost!

    Well ok, that is quite an exaggeration. The thing is, 1999 seems so yesterday to me, like I was still 27! That's how time flies. One day I'm a swinging ( as in by a thread) bachelor and the next day I'm a husband of 15 years and father of 12 years. Somewhere in this time warp I was using this damn computer to run a virtual classroom for a bit over 2 months of physical classroom exile. Still, I am fairly attached to my computer...for I built it. I have actually build a few incarnations of a personal computer over the past 13 years.

    Oh hell no, Moore! You didn't....you wouldn't! Oh shit you did....you tricked us via text hypnosis into following you down another f'n memory lane traffic jam! (sigh). Fine, let's get this over with!

    The first computer we had actually belonged to me. On Christmas of 1985, my father had apparently seen "A Christmas Story" for the first time and decided to enhance the Darren McGavin's "Hey, what's that over there?" ruse.  After putting me on a seemingly endless wild goose chase via "Look over here" notes, I was finally awarded a complete Commodore 64 hardware suite consisting of the keyboard/CPU unit, floppy disk drive, monitor, and dot matrix printer. All of those components except 1 were pretty good...except for the printer. Apparently Commodore had a jump start on the jamming tradition that has caused so much office and school alcohol consumption spikes. I believe we ended up getting a compatible yet non Commodore printer later as I did use my computer for school work as well when needed.

    My dad's office had a whole library of Commodore games and I got loaded up pretty fast on disk copies. Of course, this was long before the age of point and click ease of use with a mouse. One had to type such pesky commands as 

LOAD "NERDGAMES",8,1

and hope that the disk was of decent quality. Most of the time it was. My old Atari joystick could be lugged into the machine to play arcade-style games, so that was a lot of fun for a while. About a year later, I got a 300 "baud" modem. I believe baud was a Euro-originated word for slow as Granny's molasses, for when I called into online BBS's (bulletin board services) that had game downloads, the download speed was abysmal! I later got a higher speed one, but after a couple of years I had gotten past those as a fun pastime.

    One other thing the computer got me good at was typing. I actually taught myself to type as I created stories, many early ones influenced by my favorite show at the time, "The Edge of Night".

    I actually held on to the Commodore for several years, finally retiring it in late 1992. I don't remember if it just died or what, but my dad had already brought an older PC from work. It was monochrome to be sure, but I did some papers for school on it as well as writing more stories. I held on to that one for a long time, I believe it was retired in the early 21st century. Most of the time in the late 90s, though, I tended to use my friend/roommate Scott's iMac more than my own.

    My dad gave me another used office model when I moved to Las Vegas. It was ok, but those pesky work numbers always wanted a special password. I had enough of that so I went to CompUSA and a computer of my own...CPU, monitor, printer, and the works. Combined with my Earthlink dialup credentials, I was Internet bound on my own at last, doing lesson plans and looking for women! I was successful in the former, hit and miss on the latter.

    One thing I was not ready for with a Windows PC was the number of shady websites that had viruses and eventually the computer didn't even turn on despite the various virus scanners and "protections" I had put on. A new hard drive seemed to resolve this, and I learned to be more cautious in the sites I was navigating.

    Then came the Lesley masters program that I began in early 2008. Of the many tech related subjects I studied, the anatomy of a computer course that I took was my favorite. As a final project, I opted to build my own computer from a "barebones" kit I bought from TigerDirect for about $200. For that price I got a case, hard drive, and associated wires. All I needed was an optical (CD-rom) drive on my own. From then on I was occasionally buying a new hard drive or operating system. A few years ago, I upgraded almost entirely with a new case. That said, I think the novelty of building my own has worn off. Its just too tough to keep up with what works anymore. Granted a new computer can be expensive, so this old thing will have to do for now, provided we aren't tossed back home again..

    All right, flashbacks are now over, you may resume crash position!

The Divorcé Part 5

    The door opened. Dr. Friedman waved me in with a smile. "Sam, right on time as always." He closed the door behind me and waved at the proverbial shrink couch. "Take your favorite seat."

   I sat in the big soft lumpy sofa and relaxed. I'd been seeing Friedman since a bit before the divorce, when I knew things were coming at me. 

   Friedman checked his notes as he sat in his swivel chair, then looked up. "Last time we spoke, you were getting back into the dating world."

   "I've been wading in, testing the waters so to speak."

  "And how does the water feel?"

  "Good at times...other times cold."

  "Might depend on which end of the pool you're in."

  "Brad, I'm not even going tot try to analyze that."

   Friedman laughed. "Well, the shallow end tends to warm faster as its the safer end...on the other hand, the deep end has more variety but can take longer to navigate." He stopped. "Forget it...I'm no good at ad lib analogies." He checked his notes again. "There's a topic you and I didn't grab tightly on , and this is 2 sessions ago. You were so excited about your dating that we didn't touch on it again at all."

  "Which is?"

  "The woman at work. Natasha was her name, right?"

  "Oh yeah, we're going way back!"

  "You brought me there, I never left." Friedman sat forward. "You indicated that you'd fallen for her."

   I sat back and looked up at the ceiling, the memory coming back. "Yeah, this is 6 years ago."

  "Tell me about her."

  "I didn't tell you last time?"

  "You told me her name and that you were in love with her, but that's as far as we got. No, wait, you told me she was also married, right?"

  "Right. You know I'm thinking on that time and realizing something right off the bat...I was more in love with the idea of her than actually being in love with her."

  "All right. What idea of her was so appealing?"

  "Now that's a question I've asked myself time and time again...but I don't have a solid clue. SHe was pretty enough. Had the most kissable lips I'd ever seen, that's for sure."

  "Did you ever kiss them?"

  "Oh no, not even a cheek peck. Despite my feelings, I still respected her marriage."

   Friedman sat back and folded his arms. "All right, let's go back to then. What was it about her that got those feelings going?"

  "Hoo boy! Well, when I first started at the office, it took a bit to fit in. You know, new guy and all coming into an established colleague web. Well, at a staff lunch function, I was sitting by myself...this was about 3 months in...and she asks me to come sit with her and some of her friends. I wasn't precisely involved in their conversation, ladies and all, but I wasn't alone. That was the start."

  "Sounds friendly but it doesn't exactly spell out love to me."

  "Not to me, either. Just as time went, we talked more and got to know each other. Before I knew it I was thinking a lot about her. At first I thought it was pure lust. There was some of that, but not overwhelming. No, this was a heart matter. My day was definitely improved when I'd had some contact with her, either in person or even text. Luckily for me, she never really knew my feelings, at least I don't think she did. Then something happened...some crisis in her husband's family and she took a little time off so they could travel."

   Friedman nodded. "Did she come back?"

  "Yeah, but she was a lot more reserved...very inward...after. I tried to offer an ear of support, but she kept it inside, so I backed away. After about a year, no it was two years, she transferred to another office in another town. It was quiet, no going away party or anything, in fact quite sudden."

  "I see. So you developed some friendly, I'll go with FOND, feelings for another woman. Sounds perfectly normal and nothing to feel ashamed of...if you feel ashamed."

  "I don't now, I did a little then, probably because I mentioned Natasha more than a healthy mention at home."

  "And your wife didn't care for that."

  "We had a few fights about it."

  "And when Natasha left, did it get back to normal?"

   I looked at Brad with a frown. "Normal? I did get a divorce not all that long after."

  "Right. So here's a question: do you think your feelings for Natasha were a factor in your divorce?"

   I looked back at the ceiling. "That is hard to say. My marriage was never normal, whatever that word means. Three years passed between Natasha leaving and my wife leaving, so somehow I doubt it was a main factor."

  "But it might have been one."

  "Could be. I doubt it."

   Friedman closed his notebook. "Sam, we've been dancing around this for a while. We never really hit at it, though."

  "Right, the why of it all."

  "Your feelings for Natasha, innocent as they seem to me, are the first clues as to cause. Apart from that, nothing on your end seems to justify any of it. Although, when she left, you didn't seem too anguished over it apart from the change in life."

  "So ok, I developed feelings for another woman, my wife languished over it for 3 years, then decided I wasn't worth fighting to save our marriage, so she split. Simple, right?"

   Friedman laughed. "Nah, this will take some more cracking. Collecting a $20 copay from you weekly was in fact my life's ambition, so we will look more into this next week. Same time?"

  "Same Bat channel!"

Rest In Peace, Mr. Bond

    This weekend my family and I went to see the latest...and quite honestly last, movie of the James Bond Franchise. It was a really touching end and Daniel Craig pulled it off well. 

   Now, when I mean franchise, I mean a single production company's produced series of films. In this case, I mean the James Bond film franchise that has been in existence since the release of Dr. No in 1962. Yes, the James Bond film franchise has been in existence for nearly 60 years.

   When the series began, it starred Sean Connery as Britain's favorite secret agent with the number 007, the license to kill, created by Ian Fleming. The first movie story began simply, with Bond traveling to Jamaica to find out what happened to Professor Strangways. In that movie we meet many of the regulars that were to be included in the series: Bond's superior M, a gruff old naval admiral whom Bond respected and annoyed quite frequently; Miss Moneypenny, M's secretary who carried an innocent flirtation with Bond over the course of many films; Q, the British Secret Service armorer who supplied Bond with many weapons and oddly futuristic gadgets and who was frequently annoyed by Bond's lack of respect for said equipment, particularly cars; and Felix Leiter, Bond's CIA counterpart, who appeared infrequently over the course of the series...seen just once in the Roger Moore era and never in the Pierce Brosnan era.

   From the success of Dr. No, fans of Britain's new superhero were treated to a movie a year from 1962 to 1965, then every other year as a pattern most of the time for a while. After Thunderball, there was a 2-year wait until the release of You Only Live Twice, which set a new precedent for creating an almost entirely new story from the existing book source. The previous 4 movies had probably 80% source material intact if not more. I've written about that movie and book before, and to briefly repeat, I enjoy both about equally, which is a lot.

   After Connery took the reins for 5 films, he was getting tired of playing Bond and quit after You Only Live Twice. The producers found a new face in Aussie George Lazenby for On Her Majesty's Secret Service. This movie is fantastic by my standards even though Lazenby was not Connery, a fact many took a huge disliking to. Yet, if one puts aside the man's lack of acting experience, the movie is great and returns to the book faithfulness. On Her Majesty's Secret Service saw James Bond falling in love with a troubled woman whom he rescues a few times and she later rescues him. She tragically dies from an attempt on Bond's wife from Ernst Stavro Blofeld, the SPECTRE chief who, in my opinion, is probably Bond's greatest foe of all time.

   Sean Connery was coaxed to return for Diamonds Are Forever, a film that really delved into silly antics in its second half. It was once a favorite of mine, but is now viewed just for its Las Vegas scenes.  The next movie, Live and Let Die, introduced the Roger Moore era of Bond...an era that with maybe one or two exceptions, represented the low end of the franchise for 7 films. The Moore era consisted of a lot of silly 1 liners, extravagant gadgets, and some pretty silly stories.

   Then in 1987, we were introduced to the short Timothy Dalton era...I say era because he got 2 films under his belt unlike Lazenby's single entry. Dalton was a breath of fresh air to Bond fans, particularly fans of the books, since he used the source material to model his portrayal, a return to the brutal agent we met in 1962. Bond in the Dalton era had a penchant for avenging the deaths of friends and colleagues, giving Bond a new dark edge. 

   After those 2 entries, the series fell to the wayside due to legal problems for 6 years. When te problems were over, fans were introduced to Bond #5, Pierce Brosnan,,,yes, Remington Steele himself.  In fact, his first entry Goldeneye was quite enjoyable. Brosnan didn't have the hard edge of early Connery or both Dalton entries, but he held his own. However, the new coolness couldn't help the lackluster stories that ensued, and by the time we got Die Another Day, the Brosnan era was long stale.

   And then came Daniel Craig, who brought a new hard edge that surpassed Dalton's big time, and Bond was alive again in 2006 with Casino Royale, the best on-screen vision of that story since a 1954 teleplay featuring an American as Bond....and the 1967 Bond spoof with that title starring David Niven deserves no mention. After that came Quantum of Solace, which seemed like one huge chase scene to me and not much story, so I didn't watch all of it. Skyfall was much better...and then came SPECTRE, which tied the previous 3 films together, a first for the franchise. 

   I'd like to mention the latest film No Time to Die a bit more, but it's too new, and it is too early to tell if it is truly the end or not. ONe thing I do want to note, though, is the return of Bond feeling love again, only losing it but in an entirely, and heroically self-sacrificing, way. This is shown thematically and musically connected to On Her Majesty's Secret Service.

   One thing I need to mention with the franchise is the retconning of a few key characters. The old gruff M was replaced at the start of the Brosnan era with Dame Judi Dench, who was referred as the old man's replacement. After her death in Skyfall, Joint Intelligence Committee chairman Gareth Mallory (played by Ralph Fiennes) became the new M.

   Then there is the villain Blofeld, who in the 60s and early 70s was played by different actors each time, and was last seen being rammed in his bathosub into a control building on an oil rig in Diamonds Are Forever, his fate unknown. In 2015's SPECTRE, his story was rewritten as having a childhood connection to Bond. Felix Leiter was also reintroduced as an African American in Casino Royale.  

   Miss Moneypenny was also rewritten as an agent who retires from active duty to become M's secretary. Q went from a crusty old coot to R (John Cleese) in the final Brosnan films to a much younger man played by Ben Whishaw in the Craig films...I liked this later version, actually.

    Of course, many of the early stories, right up to 2006's Casino Royale had at least some if not more source material to use. The source material was quite British and often very dry. I read most of them and while more than half were pretty easy to get through, a few I couldn't finish, 1955's Moonraker in particular. The early novels had the Soviet group SMERSH as the antagonists, but by 1961 SPECTRE had emerged. The last novels also showed a change of style to longer in depth of description or emotional narrative in the form of long-ass paragraphs. Still, they were enjoyable. I reread a few often and picture Daniel Craig in the role now...and his portrayal fits just about all of them. Another author named John Gardner picked up the Bond book writing in 1981. I liked them for a while, but my current tastes have left those behind.

   With all that said, is there a future for Bond? I'd like to say no, we have many films to enjoy with several different interpretations...yes, even Roger Moore fans have a place (preferably at the bottom of a canyon). However, we all know that the film world is having trouble in the area of originality, and we might see another form of Bond again in my lifetime, probably made by a different production company and likely non-book source material.

   To conclude, Rest in Peace, Mr. Bond.

Six (or Whatever) Degrees of Me

    A question: how many of you do you have?

   Now before you lock me up for spouting off bad riddles, think about those words...and no, I am not implying schizophrenia by any means...unless it applies to you and then absolutely I am!

   These are the thoughts going through my brain once again and BOY am I FUCKING HAPPY!

    For those who don't quite read me at this moment, well, you fall into 2 categories. One, you stumbled upon this post looking for Alura Jenson porn clips and got completely lost, or you totally understand that I recently got on caffeine again after many months of fearing caffeine was causing my kidney stones. For a long period due to that lack, my ideas were not flowing...now the flow seems to be back on...I just hope not to the point of needing a neurological maxi pad to catch it all!

   All right, I've stalled long enough. How many of you do you have? 

   Personally, I think I have more than 10. And no, I am not implying that a brilliant yet criminal plastic surgeon in Switzerland made duplicates of me like the multitude of wallet sized ugly family shots you are burdened with every Christmas because nobody wants them. 

   No, I mean how many of you have you lived with in your entire life? The you that is in your body, your soul.  

   I think we all know that we as humans evolve over time (to the Christian Fundamentalists who might have stumbled in here looking for Ms Jenson, no I ACCIDENTALLY spewed out the E word, my profound apolo- oh fuck it, MOVE ON!). We all EVOLVE as ourselves over time, and I think in adulthood, at least for me, I have experienced several different versions of myself. In the pre-18 years, I probably experienced a few as well.

   Here's an example. If you have a teenaged or preteen kid who suddenly goes from happy go lucky kid to morosely hiding in their room for several months, only to emerge as a neorevolutionary philosopher telling you your old music and old movies have no place in this brave new world of Tik Tok knowledge, you see exactly what I mean...the caterpillar has made the transformation. 

    The changes don't end there, though. The question for me then is this...are the changes merely biological, psychological, a combo of both, or do I need to go back to iced fucking green tea? I think it is probably a combo, for me psychological most of the time, and purely an EVOLUTION of what I recently experienced.

     Let's go into the many degrees/versions of Bryan over almost 49 years....have something over 50 proof handy just in case! Since there are so many versions, I decided to put it into Apple ios update terminology.

1. Little Kid Bryan: (1.0-1.82818) This guy was pretty nerdy, though generally happy go lucky in nature. Often taken for granted or advantage of BECAUSE of that nature. Liked girls pretty early on, which probably creeped a lot of girls out! This version was updated in mid teen years (not quite sure when) to

2. Teen Angst Bryan (2.0- 2.71940):This was definitely a BUG-INFESTED version! This guy had a really bad habit of taking a liking to a girl and going absolutely overboard without testing the waters first. The resulting emotional fall was quite devastating. There was also a glitch that involved assholish and destructive behavior that turned off people closest to him. Unfortunately, the inner programmer, under heavy budget constraints, took a LONG TIME  to create a "fix". After a while, we finally got treated to...

3. Lost At Sea Bryan (2.2- 2.51953): This version was created under heavy emotional duress and essentially created a fairly empty Bryan for a luckily brief time. This was a period when I lived in San Diego and had no prospects or future of any sort, essentially playing video games and watching TV. Thankfully, this version was temporary as the inner coding department finally got more staff and a contract for paid coffee breaks. It wasn't too long before we hit...

4. College Ready Bryan (3.0-3.32979): This update was long-awaited and well-received. This Bryan was more happy and less emotionally shut down, making some new, if short-lived, friendships in San Diego. This Bryan also came with a mullet-growing app that had mixed reviews. 

5. Early Sonoma State Bryan (3.4-3.53878): A mild update taking me away from the toxic environment of my parents' dying marriage and finally making some more permanent connections in life. This version kept the mullet app and was probably one of the better versions of myself.

6. Mid to Late Sonoma State Bryan (3.5- 3.61669): Sometimes the coding department gets ahead of itself and makes seemingly unneeded modifications, such as parents divorcing. While the new happiness wasn't completely gone, this version carried a bad morosity bug that also had an asshole bug and an unexpected and never-before-seen cruelty bug. Yeah, that divorce really fucked me up inside for a while.

7. Post College Limbo Bryan (4.0-4.41146): This one had a lot of updates and fixes, especially when its premiere had me graduated, unemployed, and sitting around the apartment in Santa Rosa not doing much besides eating crap and watching TV. Luckily a fix was put in that had me working some temp jobs later that fall and an even better fix had me entering the substitute teaching business. That was the money-making aspect. On the personal front, it was quiet for a bit before I did some dating here and there. An even bigger update got me back into school to study to be an actual teacher. That gave me some focus, but these overall 5 years of version 4 point whatever was a particularly devil-may-care era that often came back to bite me for my lack of maturity and caution.

8. New to Vegas/Getting Laid Bryan (5.0- 5.8675309: This long-awaited version was a definite improvement, yet not without its flaws. Bryan was finally on his own for the first time in life. The devil-may-care attitude was eased off and there was a focus on learning how to be a good teacher without stressing out. This had varying degrees of success and failure over time. On the personal side, I was determined to get the ball(s) rolling with the ladies, though my definite lack of successful experience and "polish", so to speak, led to several disasters, although in the sex department I was catching up on wasted time from my 20s. As a result of the rollercoaster personal and professional life, there was a "system crash" a couple years in, a crash that did not recover too quickly.

9. Ready for Love Bryan (6.0-6.321 Contact): This version fixed a lot of previous problems, especially in the area of commitment. I finally found a woman I loved and decided to commit to and marry. Of course, not all was perfect. Having had a lack of positive role models in the marriage department, there were some bumps along the road in terms of learning to be a good husband and get rid of the personality trait known as "bachelor teacher guy", as Vickie called it. On the teacher side, things had improved quite a bit...not perfect, but a smoother sailing for a while.

10. Dad Crash Bryan (6.4-6.45789): An update with a few big flaws. While I embraced the new fatherhood phase of my life, I let my teacher aspect lapse and some fallout came from that, leaving one school and not doing well at the next one either. Another "system crash" resulted here...worse than the first, majorly affecting marriage, fatherhood, and teaching!

11. Darnell Bryan Phase 1 (6.5-6.94533): A new start at a new school was awkward at first, coinciding with a move to a better apartment. This was definitely a recovery phase while a new version was awaiting. Marriage, fatherhood, and teaching were all on the mend. This version lasted just under a year.

12. Darnell Bryan Phase 2 (7.0-7.10446): A LOT of bugs ironed out here as I began a 6-year run as a 2nd grade teacher, my longest stretch in any grade level. I was on a very supportive team and I was getting better integrated in my new digs, making friends with new people, and feeling much better about myself in all aspects of life. 

13. Homeowner Bryan  (7.2- 7.81072): This is the new homeowner phase. A lot of fixes in this one through new challenges and responsibilities...and added marriage stress through it. Two grade level changes added to that along with a kidney stone.

14. Getting in Shape/COVID Bryan (8.0-8.whatever...current phase): Version 8 couldn't have come at a better time. I weighed more than I ever had before and how our team was doing 5th grade was not working well. Two things happened to turn it all around. 1) A Biggest Loser Challenge was taking place at school after New Year and I was determined to make a big change. 2) The new COVID quarantine 2 months later essentially put a halt to a fairly disastrous school year. I was losing weight and feeling much better about myself in terms of appearance and general energy. I was also getting better about being a 5th grade teacher again even though I was practicing in an online fashion. 

   With all those versions, and others to come for sure, I can certainly conclude that my overall self has changed in some ways, yet stayed the same on other planes. 

   The question to ask then is this: can anybody take the time to think back to how many "versions" and "fixes" there have been in their lives? If you can, then you have WAY too much time on your hands!

Broccoli Salad

Renewing the License

    Recently, the state of Nevada made a HUGE miscalculation in terms of common sense....AGAIN! Yep, they decided to renew my teaching license for another 5 1'2 years. Will these bums never learn? 

   Of course, they didn't just GIVE me a new license to recommence inflicting psychological torture in terms of playing old music during morning announcements. No, the state has the foresight to at least charge me $150 for this misguided courtesy. Not only THAT, but there are a series of learning credits that I must achieve in order to have the honor of paying that money. The last time I went through all of this (6 years ago). I took a lot of classes, both online and a couple in-person, to renew...pretty much in the last minute before the license was up. This time around, I took 1 class and the rest of the credits came from in-school trainings.

   Now, let's take a look at this whole scenario. For a TEACHING license, I have to do a bunch of shit to get a new license. For a DRIVER'S license, it is pretty much the same amount of time, though the only thing I have to do is not hit people on the road in all that time....sometimes a bigger pain than those classes!

   Then there are hunting and fishing licenses, which need to be renewed yearly and all you have to do is catch/shoot animals/fish you are allowed to catch/shoot.

  The one thing all of these licenses have in common is money. If you want a license, all you have to do is pay for most of them. In fact, teaching seems to be the hardest to maintain in terms of license. There are requirements for renewal besides money. Imagine, just imagine if one of the oldest institutions in the world that you need a license for, but just once, had to go through a regular renewal process. That's right, I'm talking about the institution of MARRIAGE!

   Can you imagine the divorce rate that would come about if married couples had to meet a certain set of requirements in order to renew the marriage LICENSE? I'm not talking about the vows...those are often treated with such trivial flair that couples renew their vows about as regularly as I renew my other licenses! No, let's just focus on the LICENSURE process.

Husband: Ah shit!

Wife: What is it, dear?

Husband: 'What is it dear'...very funny. I can't believe two years is up already.

Wife: Oh no! You mean...

Husband: Yup, we need to renew the damn marriage license again.

Wife: Oh, the 'damn ' marriage license, is it? Well we can just let it lapse if you like and find other people!

Husband: We might have to anyway. Did we do any of the requirements?

Wife: I don't know, and the inspection is probably coming up, isn't it?

   Pause for clarification. In some states, like Pennsylvania, in order to get your car's registration renewed, you have to get a safety inspection at a PennDOT-approved garage. In other states like California and Nevada, you have to get an emissions test for smog output. This is almost like the teaching license thing. Someone goes over my transcripts and checks out my fingerprints for probably their sexual appeal.

   Now that begs the question: what should the requirements be for renewing a marriage license? Well, screw classes. I've had those up the wazoo. And I think we can agree marriage upkeep classes would end up causing trouble where there originally was none. Your marriage is yours to maintain, not managed by someone doing research for their sociology doctorate. 

   So let's keep it as straight and easy as possible.

Requirement 1: The marriage is a faithful one overall. Sure, he is around other women at work often and she is around other guys at her job (this category can get a bit tricky in the LGBTQI whatever other letters they keep adding, but the idea is the same), but the love and sex is between spouses....YOUR OWN spouse, dumbass!

Requirement 2:  Cooking and Cleaning. Folks, it is the 21st century and we are long past the Cleaver era when June cooked all the meals while Ward likely was busy carrot-waxing in his study...and SHE was likely the 'mopper' after he was through. No, in this day and age men carry a certain responsibility here...I'm not saying they assume a high COMPETENCE, but that's apples and oranges.

Requirement 3: Movie selection: keep it balanced.. Face it, while there are some mutually enjoyed movies for both spouses, there are some he likes and some she likes...and it's not an even split. Yes, he wants to sometimes catch a shoot-em-up classic...that or something with graphic gratuitous nudity and damnit, he does not WANT to see the damn Notebook flick for the 78th time! There are 2 TV's with disc players connected, she can watch it alone if she wants! But he wants to see Dirty Harry for the first time in three years because he finally found it buried under The Notebook, English Patient, Ghost, Titanic, and other weep-monsters that ironically end up being mood killers.

Now that's 3, and I'll keep it there. Of course, there are other areas, like trust and communication, finances, diaper-changing (the KID'S, not your own!) and what not, but those ought to be figured out before the ORIGINAL license is issued. Now back to the spouses at their "inspection"

Inspector: Well, hello. It's that time again isn't it? (evil chuckle)

Husband: Er, yeah. 

Wife: You're creepy.

Inspector: Of course I am. (holds up a paper) Now, let's see what we have here...oh my...15 viewings of The Notebook in 2 years?

Husband: Umm, it's kind of a barter deal.

Inspector: Oh, I see. In this office we call that a classic carrot dangle.

Husband: Yeah, well it gets old WAXING the damn carrot, you know?

Inspector (another chuckle): Of course. As for you, sir...

Wife: Oh good, here we go...

Inspector: Four months of laundry and you've managed to shrink most of your and her shirts in the dryer.

Husband: At least I'm TRYING!

Inspector: Well TRY hitting the delicate setting.

Wife: All right, creepo, do we get renewed or not?

Inspector: Well, it looks like you've remained faithful at least...but then looking at you two I see marriage all over you.

Husband: Huh?

Inspector: I mean you 2 look married, like you've been married forever. Just that vibe, that aura that would drive any potential sexual or romantic interlopers away.

Wife: Bottom line?

Inspector: Share the movies, hit the delicate button, and keep on going, see you in year 17.

   Now, that was an example of success, but we all know there'd be a lot of nonrenewal examples out there. Fifteen years together, we still have our quirks, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Until then, keep the study door closed while in carrot time!

   

A Dynamic Duo

    Over the years I have read a somewhat limited scope of books, at least in terms of series. On an independent scale, I've done pretty well, usually focusing on source materials for famous movies. Some highlights from those adventures are The Godfather, Nothing Lasts Forever (which became Die Hard), 58 Seconds (Die Hard 2), Ordinary People, The Ice Storm, several John Grisham books, both print and audiobook formats, James Patterson (Alex Cross) and The Princess Bride.

   In terms of series, my first tackling was the Ian Fleming set of James Bond novels. Many of them were good, while a select few like Moonraker were dry and hard to get through...in fact I never DID finish Moonraker. Diamonds Are Forever still holds a place in my bookshelf since a good portion takes place in old Las Vegas. His final 3 books, On Her Majesty's Secret Service, You Only Live Twice, and The Man With The Golden Gun, had taken on a slightly different, longer-paragraph format that also contained smaller print, at least in paperback. I also read the updated Bond novels by John Gardner written mostly in the 1980s. That Bond was almost certainly designed with the stunt-laden movies as inspiration.

   After the Bond phase, I got into the Fletch books by Gregory McDonald. Those books taught me a LOT about writing witty dialogue. There were 9 total original Fletch books, my favorite being Confess, Fletch (probably my most reread book). If one thinks they are getting a Chevy Chase-like character, they are to be disappointed. Fletch does have his wit, but his other character traits are fleshed out better on paper better than Clark W Griswold could muster. 

   In the mid to late 90s, I got into Elmore Leonard books quite a bit, and even though they weren't a series about a single character, his stories were intriguing and quite well-written. Several of his stories were made into movies on a small AND grand scale, the most famous being maybe Get Shorty and Jackie Brown, though the early 70s' Mr Majestyk with Charles Bronson was pretty good.

   I took a break from new reading during the early 2000s for a variety of reasons (depression, starting my school career....not necessarily in that order). In late 2005, I don't remember why, I looked into the Spenser series by Robert B. Parker and picked up an audiobook to listen to coming back from Phoenix. I'm not sure what it was, maybe the voice talent on Joe Mantegna, but I was immediately hooked on this character and started getting more books (print) to get into it more. In my bookshelf, I probably have more Spenser than anything else!

   So who is Spenser? Well, he doesn't really have a first name, for one thing. He is a Boston private dick who is a wiseass when it comes to dealing with authority. He is also a gourmet cook who can whip up a great meal with just what he has in his apartment. He was once a police officer who was let go for 'being too much of a fucking hot dog' (Bad Business). 

   In the early books, Spenser resembles Phillip Marlowe in terms of mood. In the first book The Godwulf Manuscript(1973), Spenser in the course of duty ends up not only bedding his college-age unofficial client, but also her mother, leaving him feeling low about himself. In the next book God Save The Child, he meets the woman who is to become the love of his life, Susan Silverman. They develop a 2-part relationship, in the middle of which she took a self-prescribed break from Spenser to find more out about herself and how she is. The break started in one book and they were reunited in the next one. Through it all, they have never gotten married to each other. They tried living together in one book, but it did not work out the way Susan thought it would. Spenser and Susan have a one of a kind love that requires independence for both of them, though they see each other most days of the week, unless Spenser is on a case requiring overnight work or going out of town.

   In 1976's A Promised Land, Spenser encounters a shady old acquaintance named Hawk, a formidable black  thug who is working for a gangster. Spenser and Hawk circle each other a bit throughout the book, but at a pivotal moment before police arrive, Spenser tells Hawk to go. In my view, that really set up a truly dynamic duo for the course of 30+ years of Spenser books.

   The question is, what makes them so dynamic? Spenser works on the side of the law (most of the time) while Hawk has many underworld connections and is often employed by them as a leg-breaker or otherwise enforcer. Still, while tracking down terrorists in Europe in The Judas Goat (1978), Spenser hires Hawk as extra muscle. In this story, Hawk states that he trusts Spenser and, strangely enough, police lieutenant Martin Quirk because he's a straight shooter. For a few stories afterward, Hawk is still working for the bad guys here and there for good pay, and sometimes requires money from Spenser in exchange for assistance, but that does not last long.

   In A Catskill Eagle (1985), Spenser travels to California to break Hawk out of jail so that they can both find Susan (part 2 of their short break). In the course of their search, they end up killing many employees of arms dealer Jerry Costigan as well as some cops owned by Costigan and a pimp and his bodyguard to protect two hookers they forced to let them stay at their apartment. There are many Spenser stories that deal with a certain theme, and this is one of those books. Spenser doesn't really like killing, and he will often opt to let someone go if it is a possibility.  Hawk, while respecting Spenser, views this as a moral weakness that could get Spenser killed one day. 'We gonna have to kill him/them' is advice given by Hawk more than once in this friendship.

   In 1997's Small Vices, Spenser is shot almost to death by Rugar, a gray-attired/skinned assassin while working on a case. Spenser, Susan, and Hawk travel to Santa Barbara so that Spenser can rehabilitate his body and spirit. Hawk is truly at his best in this story, as he does what he can for his friend, but when it comes time to face Rugar, Hawk knows Spenser has to do it on his own, an almost John Wayne-like 'a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do'  philosophy. Eight years later in Cold Service, Spenser helps to rehabilitate Hawk in almost the same way.

   In the course of these stories, Spenser and Hawk work out together at Henry Cimoli's gym, often dine together, and quite frequently exchange racial epithets that modern audiences might take offense to ('dumb jigaboo' has been uttered a few times by Spenser in jest). However, while Black, Hawk doesn't have the standard shoulder chip that would otherwise anger someone else. These two men trust each other with their lives, hands down. On this note, Hawk is very loyal to Susan and would die for her if necessary even though she is Spenser's woman. Hawk has been with many nameless women in the series, usually unseen. He does have a brief relationship with a surgeon named Cecile, but after he is shot, she cannot deal with his unwillingness to let his guard down emotionally. It shows that any relationship has to be strictly on his terms. That said, he has chosen Spenser and Susan as his family because they do respect his terms. Susan does not always get it, but even as a therapist she chooses not to dig deeper...what ain't broke does not need fixing.

   In the Spenser series there is a plethora of regular characters to back up this motley crew.

Lt/Captain Martin Quirk- a by the book (usually) cop who forms an uneasy relationship with Spenser early on, but several books later Quirk is often bringing donuts and coffee to Spenser's office to discuss business.

Sergeant Frank Belson- a less by the book and more sarcastic cop who has liked Spenser since book one.

Paul Giacomin- Spenser's surrogate son who is introduced in An Early Autumn. His divorced parents  toss Paul back and forth like a bargaining chip. Spenser takes this 'unlovely little bastard' who has no social or coping skills and teaches him how to box, work out, and build. Paul appears occasionally in later books, a much more confident and happy young man.

Joe Broz- Joe is a gangster in the early books who frequently clashes with Spenser and often tries to have him killed. As the years go by, Joe is getting too old and losing his once firm control. This is demonstrated by the emergence of his ne'er do well son Gerry, whom Joe tries to groom to take over. When Gerry makes a pathetic run at Spenser and gets a bullet in the knee for his effort, Joe is essentially finished, Gerry is never heard from again.

Vinnie Morris- Joe Broz's bodyguard for a time, but he quits so that he doesn't have to work for Gerry. He is ultra-fast with a gun, faster than Spenser or Hawk. He often helps the two on cases, usually as a bodyguard for clients or a quick gun.

Henry Cimoli- a gym owner who once had a classic style gym for boxers but updated reluctantly with the times. He is a short Italian who can banter with Spenser or Hawk quite well. 

Captain Healy- a Massachusetts State cop who occasionally collaborates with Spenser on cases. Like Quirk, he at first maintained an uneasy alliance with Spenser that evolved into good ol sarcastic banter and trust.

   Original Spenser creator Robert B. Parker passed over 10 years ago and author Ace Atkins took over the series. I have only read one of his books so far, but it was good enough for me to want to read more.

   Who knows what characters I might find next?