Recently, the state of Nevada made a HUGE miscalculation in terms of common sense....AGAIN! Yep, they decided to renew my teaching license for another 5 1'2 years. Will these bums never learn?
Of course, they didn't just GIVE me a new license to recommence inflicting psychological torture in terms of playing old music during morning announcements. No, the state has the foresight to at least charge me $150 for this misguided courtesy. Not only THAT, but there are a series of learning credits that I must achieve in order to have the honor of paying that money. The last time I went through all of this (6 years ago). I took a lot of classes, both online and a couple in-person, to renew...pretty much in the last minute before the license was up. This time around, I took 1 class and the rest of the credits came from in-school trainings.
Now, let's take a look at this whole scenario. For a TEACHING license, I have to do a bunch of shit to get a new license. For a DRIVER'S license, it is pretty much the same amount of time, though the only thing I have to do is not hit people on the road in all that time....sometimes a bigger pain than those classes!
Then there are hunting and fishing licenses, which need to be renewed yearly and all you have to do is catch/shoot animals/fish you are allowed to catch/shoot.
The one thing all of these licenses have in common is money. If you want a license, all you have to do is pay for most of them. In fact, teaching seems to be the hardest to maintain in terms of license. There are requirements for renewal besides money. Imagine, just imagine if one of the oldest institutions in the world that you need a license for, but just once, had to go through a regular renewal process. That's right, I'm talking about the institution of MARRIAGE!
Can you imagine the divorce rate that would come about if married couples had to meet a certain set of requirements in order to renew the marriage LICENSE? I'm not talking about the vows...those are often treated with such trivial flair that couples renew their vows about as regularly as I renew my other licenses! No, let's just focus on the LICENSURE process.
Husband: Ah shit!
Wife: What is it, dear?
Husband: 'What is it dear'...very funny. I can't believe two years is up already.
Wife: Oh no! You mean...
Husband: Yup, we need to renew the damn marriage license again.
Wife: Oh, the 'damn ' marriage license, is it? Well we can just let it lapse if you like and find other people!
Husband: We might have to anyway. Did we do any of the requirements?
Wife: I don't know, and the inspection is probably coming up, isn't it?
Pause for clarification. In some states, like Pennsylvania, in order to get your car's registration renewed, you have to get a safety inspection at a PennDOT-approved garage. In other states like California and Nevada, you have to get an emissions test for smog output. This is almost like the teaching license thing. Someone goes over my transcripts and checks out my fingerprints for probably their sexual appeal.
Now that begs the question: what should the requirements be for renewing a marriage license? Well, screw classes. I've had those up the wazoo. And I think we can agree marriage upkeep classes would end up causing trouble where there originally was none. Your marriage is yours to maintain, not managed by someone doing research for their sociology doctorate.
So let's keep it as straight and easy as possible.
Requirement 1: The marriage is a faithful one overall. Sure, he is around other women at work often and she is around other guys at her job (this category can get a bit tricky in the LGBTQI whatever other letters they keep adding, but the idea is the same), but the love and sex is between spouses....YOUR OWN spouse, dumbass!
Requirement 2: Cooking and Cleaning. Folks, it is the 21st century and we are long past the Cleaver era when June cooked all the meals while Ward likely was busy carrot-waxing in his study...and SHE was likely the 'mopper' after he was through. No, in this day and age men carry a certain responsibility here...I'm not saying they assume a high COMPETENCE, but that's apples and oranges.
Requirement 3: Movie selection: keep it balanced.. Face it, while there are some mutually enjoyed movies for both spouses, there are some he likes and some she likes...and it's not an even split. Yes, he wants to sometimes catch a shoot-em-up classic...that or something with graphic gratuitous nudity and damnit, he does not WANT to see the damn Notebook flick for the 78th time! There are 2 TV's with disc players connected, she can watch it alone if she wants! But he wants to see Dirty Harry for the first time in three years because he finally found it buried under The Notebook, English Patient, Ghost, Titanic, and other weep-monsters that ironically end up being mood killers.
Now that's 3, and I'll keep it there. Of course, there are other areas, like trust and communication, finances, diaper-changing (the KID'S, not your own!) and what not, but those ought to be figured out before the ORIGINAL license is issued. Now back to the spouses at their "inspection"
Inspector: Well, hello. It's that time again isn't it? (evil chuckle)
Husband: Er, yeah.
Wife: You're creepy.
Inspector: Of course I am. (holds up a paper) Now, let's see what we have here...oh my...15 viewings of The Notebook in 2 years?
Husband: Umm, it's kind of a barter deal.
Inspector: Oh, I see. In this office we call that a classic carrot dangle.
Husband: Yeah, well it gets old WAXING the damn carrot, you know?
Inspector (another chuckle): Of course. As for you, sir...
Wife: Oh good, here we go...
Inspector: Four months of laundry and you've managed to shrink most of your and her shirts in the dryer.
Husband: At least I'm TRYING!
Inspector: Well TRY hitting the delicate setting.
Wife: All right, creepo, do we get renewed or not?
Inspector: Well, it looks like you've remained faithful at least...but then looking at you two I see marriage all over you.
Husband: Huh?
Inspector: I mean you 2 look married, like you've been married forever. Just that vibe, that aura that would drive any potential sexual or romantic interlopers away.
Wife: Bottom line?
Inspector: Share the movies, hit the delicate button, and keep on going, see you in year 17.
Now, that was an example of success, but we all know there'd be a lot of nonrenewal examples out there. Fifteen years together, we still have our quirks, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Until then, keep the study door closed while in carrot time!
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