"Some jerk named Earl, come on down! Some overly bubbly college student on crack named Mandy, come on down! Some old person named Jake, come on down! And one of the creeps who got here at 5:30 a.m. just to be first in line named Vince, come on down! These are the four schmucks to play on The Price is Random!! And here is your magnanimous emcee, Dr. Delighted!!"
Welcome to another episode of The Price is Random! Once again, I have an opportunity to pay down my debts by using my annoying public persona to personal advantage. Right now, while my models try to finagle a million bucks by posing nude online, let's meet our 4 contestants. Whoa! What hole in hell did you 4 crawl out of? Sheesh, I really need to stop drinking my breakfast, you're a shock for bloodshot eyes! All right Earl, where are you from?
Earl: Do you care?
Not really, and you really know how to establsih a relationship, don't you? And how about you, Mandy?
Mandy: Oh wow! I want to win! WIN WIN WIN!!
I meant where are you from?
Mandy: I am from MY MOTHER, YEAH!!!!!!
I bet she's wishing you took out student loans to owe for life! And Jake, how are you today?
Jake: What?
Glad to hear! And Vince, maybe I should have shared my breakfast with you, guy, you look starved!
Jake: I'm totally cool, dude! Ready to spin that wheel!
I think it's still at the shop, Verna the 100 year old yesterday almost ripped it off its axle. She was a little high on the Metamucil and prune juice! All right, here is our overly skinny blonde model Chelsea with the first item to make a random price guess on.
"It's a can opener! Not electric, you actually have to use a little hand muscle to work this one! Anyone with a knowledge of simple machines can figure it out!"
All right, thank you, mysterious announcer! Earl, how much do you think that costs?
Earl: $400
Dude, you ever been to Dollar Tree? Mandy?
Mandy: Umm, I think it's....$402!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!
Mandy, who exactly are you shouting at every time you're asked to speak?
Mandy: My sorority sisters, baby!!!!!!!
Coooooool.....NOT! And Jake, how much would you pay?
Jake: What?
HOW MUCH WOULD YOU PAY?!
Jake: Oh, for what?
Yeah, we'll put you at $405 And Vince?
Vince: Oh wow....I think I'll bid $399
Interesting move. We don't do overbid do-overs here, they're stupid. The real price for the can opener is...$3.99, VINCE WON!!! Come on up, buddy! So you stood first in line for how long?
Vince: Like 4 hours!
Oh man, just to get on this Game Show Channel ripoff! You have guts, man! All right, Chelsea is coming back on the stage showing off a recently expanded rack and reduced can in that red bikini. Between you and me, Vince, from the hits she already has on Pornhub, there was nothing that needed fixing!
All right, Chelsea has set up the mud game! Above you is a cauldron of boiling mud. Over here is a new car. Actually, it's a used piece of crap from the Compton Car Max. All you need to do is take a stab at how much it's selling for. If you're within a $2,000 range of the price you get the car, the money representing the cost which you'll use to pay the taxes. If you're way above or way below, the mud will spill onto you, causing severe burns and possibly death.
Vince: Isn't that illegal?
You signed a waiver, my good man. OK, because I like you and you've answered my questions somewhat intelligently, I will give you 3 shots at this. Go!
Vince: Er, um, $3,200!
Wrong!
Vince: Ouch! What was that?"
Just a small drop of mud on your shoulder. Better get this right soon!
Vince: Oh crap! Hmm...I'l say $5,000!
Oh no! Feel that on your shoe?
Vince: Damn, man! Those were new Adidas! I'll say....$1,500!
YES!!! The actual price was $945! You get that and the car! Wait a minute....I just heard the wheel is back in action. See you in a bit. Try to eat something from the snack bar if you can, you look emaciated!
"You want me to announce the next contestant?"
NO! I think these 3 are all I can handle with a fake smile. Give us the next item!
"Next up is a blender! Yes, this is one you have to plug in! You can mix, blend, whip, crush ice, whatever the hell you want to do if you can read buttons! Furnished by Salvation Army!"
I love these high end items. Earl, what do you say?
Earl: I'd say $43!
I swear nobody listens here. Mandy?
Mandy: $44, YEAH BABY!!!!!
I've heard Chelsea say that in reverse cowgirl position! And Jake? JAKE!
Jake: I heard you, you loudmouthed weasel! $5500!
That'll be a long bus ride home! Actual price....$5.50! Earl, you won! Come on up!
Earl: Thanks. Where's that hot momma Chelsea?
She went backstage to get away from you drooling. Thanks a lot, man! So now we have our older heavier model who works at Steve's Coffee Shop at night. And here she is, already dressed in her turquoise uniform already. Meet Louise!
Earl: Damn!
You look once, Earl, just once and commit the bodies to memory. Your fault, man. All right, step over to this red circle and step right inside it. Almost like it was a trap, right?
Earl: My feet are stuck!
Small coincidence. As you see over there, Louise is modeling, to put it nicely, a pool table without much felt left on it. Therefore, it is heavily discounted. Since you've been pretty surly toward me, I am giving you one shot here. All you have to do is give me any price that is below what we bought it for. If you get it right, you get the table and a chance at the wheel. If not, you drop through the floor, down a long chute that leads to one of three locations: the studio dumpster, the Denny's parking lot, or the set of "The View" in the studio next door.
Earl: Oh crap....wow...that table can't be worth more than....oh wait...
SAY IT ALREADY!!!
Earl: $250?
Oh no, Earl! We paid a measly $45 just to get it out of some dead guy's home during an estate sale. Bye bye now! Whoa, I wonder where he went? Ah, I hear Joy Behar shouting. Best of luck to Earl there.
All right, I'm holding here a clock, an analog clock. All Mandy and Jake have to do is give me the right time. Mandy?
Mandy: Oh wow, WHAT IS THAT THING???
I just told you, you twit!
Mandy: I wasn't listening, could you say it again?
It again. Jake, WHAT TIME IS IT ON THE CLOCK?
Jake: 6:17! I'm good now, my hearing aid was off.
Way to go, Jake! We don't have time for another elimination game, so come join Vince at the wheel. The object here is to land on a number, any number. No second spin. Vince, go.....and it lands on......7! Jake, spin........you got 8! You won!
Jake: What did I win?
You won Chelsea for the night, the pool table, and no taxes on any of them! And goodbye to our audience. Remember, keep your pets in your own damn yard so they don't get run over! Til next time!
Friday, June 28, 2019
Tuesday, June 11, 2019
Come on down....I mean it!
"Ladies and pretend ladies and gentlemen and assholes and anyone else who is tuning into us for some reason, it is time for America's least favorite game show. That's right, your remote battery just died, so you are now stuck watching...
SERIOUS AND HONEST TRIVIA. And here is your host... DR DELIGHTED!"
Thank you! And thank you to my agent who got me this gig to help me pay off my student loans in just 25 years instead of 55. And now it's time to play our game. Sitting in contestant row, we have 3 souls who think they know what's what. I am about to show them what is what.
First up is Doug, a surfer who lives in Omaha. Next is-
Doug: Aeren't you going to ask me about myself?
No.I already gave enough info. In all honesty I don't care, the audience doesn't care, and the morons who didn't change the remote batteries really don't give a flying crap, especially since we won't see you on the next episode...IF there is a next episode. Now, if I may continue, next is Hillary, a corn farmer from Yuma. Finally, we have Chuck, a former stock analyst teaching drama at some community college nobody has ever heard of.
The rules are this: I ask a question, you buzz in by trying to press a really light-triggered button first and answer correctly. If you answer correctly, you will win some money. If you answer incorrectly, a trap door will open under you and you will be escorted by top-notch trigger-happy former mall cops to the parking garage.
Chuck: What happens if we don't buzz in on time?
Then nothing, you'll have to wait for the next question, you moron. Granted, I did try for electric current under your seats to teach you to buzz in faster, but you know those legal teams, always killing the fun.
Hillary: How much money do we win for answering right?
Answering CORRECTLY! You will get more than you deserve, which is $500 for each question. At the end of the game whoever is left wins. After you win, there is the usual bonus round where yoiu have a chance to win $6,437.54.
Hillary: Why such a strange amount?
It is not a strange amount, it is an HONEST amount, meaning it is what is left after we cut out what the state and federal tax agencies demand. Before we start, let's have some dog food commercials as they were the only ones who would sponsor this farce.
While those imaginary ads play, I have to say, I used to be a fan of game shows. The contestants were fairly intelligent, especially when it came to quizzes like Tic Tac Dough and Jeopardy. Celebrity game shows were good but only because we wanted to listen to how funny the stars were after the Wednesday taping recess when everyone got hammered.
Now we have idiots. Many of these idiots can be found on GSN-produced shows, where the prize is thankfully not above what they deserve, usually $15,000 tops. We have of course always had morons on Wheel of Fortune who don't want to challenge themselves beyond basic letter knowledge.
I think we can finally put Family Feud to rest. The whole object now is to make Steve Harvey make his classic faux-shocked face. It is beyond corny, it is completely stupid. Female-pawing and kissing Richard Dawson is rolling in his grave I am sure! OK, the dogs are fed their Alpo, let us return to the good doctor!
All right, let's do this. Your first question is, Who played Gerard in "The Fugitive"?
Doug buzzes in: Will Ferrell?
No! Goodbye! (Doug drops away) Anyone else? No? I would have accepted Barry Morse for the original TV version, Tommy Lee Jones for the movie, or Mykelti Williamson for the pathetic TV remake in 2000. Wow, this will be a faster game than I imagined!
All right, which letter in our alphabet has a Greek equivalent as Alpha?
Hillary buzzes in: A?
Yes! Would you like to get an additonal $500 to name our equivalent for Beta?
Hillary: Do I have to buzz in?
No, this is a freebie, practically given on a platter.
Hillary: Um, D?
No, it is Beta.
Hillary (looking down): I'm not dropping?
Unfortunately not, since you didn't have to buzz in for it. All right, here we go. What is the name for an answer in a subtraction equation?
Chuck buzzes in: Sum.
No and goodbye to you! (Chuck drops down). That was "some" kind of dumb, the answer was difference! All right, Hillary! You have won $500, which is below the revenue agency radar, so it is yours to keep. However, you now have a chance to win $6,437.54, bringing your total to $6,937.54. Yes, I can do head math without the help of an announcer.
Hillary: Ooh, what's the bonus round about?
Ooh, nothing to ooh about. I give you a multiple choice question while the studio lights change to a red hue to make it look and seem more dramatic. Some light drums making my hangover worse somehow adds to it according to the producer. Are you ready?
Hillary: Uh huh.
High schools, you need to stress public speaking more. Just 15 seconds, here we go! Which one of these was not one of the Musketeers?
a. D'Artagnan
b. Athos
c. Star Lord
Hillary: Oh geez...golly...ohhhhh....ummm.....I'll pick a.
You should have picked your nose, you would have gotten more gold. No, it was c. Well, you won $500. That should pay for a Burger King combo and gas back to Yuma, then take your friends for a celebratory hammering for winning what might be one of the lowest amounts in game show history. Good night, everyone!
SERIOUS AND HONEST TRIVIA. And here is your host... DR DELIGHTED!"
Thank you! And thank you to my agent who got me this gig to help me pay off my student loans in just 25 years instead of 55. And now it's time to play our game. Sitting in contestant row, we have 3 souls who think they know what's what. I am about to show them what is what.
First up is Doug, a surfer who lives in Omaha. Next is-
Doug: Aeren't you going to ask me about myself?
No.I already gave enough info. In all honesty I don't care, the audience doesn't care, and the morons who didn't change the remote batteries really don't give a flying crap, especially since we won't see you on the next episode...IF there is a next episode. Now, if I may continue, next is Hillary, a corn farmer from Yuma. Finally, we have Chuck, a former stock analyst teaching drama at some community college nobody has ever heard of.
The rules are this: I ask a question, you buzz in by trying to press a really light-triggered button first and answer correctly. If you answer correctly, you will win some money. If you answer incorrectly, a trap door will open under you and you will be escorted by top-notch trigger-happy former mall cops to the parking garage.
Chuck: What happens if we don't buzz in on time?
Then nothing, you'll have to wait for the next question, you moron. Granted, I did try for electric current under your seats to teach you to buzz in faster, but you know those legal teams, always killing the fun.
Hillary: How much money do we win for answering right?
Answering CORRECTLY! You will get more than you deserve, which is $500 for each question. At the end of the game whoever is left wins. After you win, there is the usual bonus round where yoiu have a chance to win $6,437.54.
Hillary: Why such a strange amount?
It is not a strange amount, it is an HONEST amount, meaning it is what is left after we cut out what the state and federal tax agencies demand. Before we start, let's have some dog food commercials as they were the only ones who would sponsor this farce.
While those imaginary ads play, I have to say, I used to be a fan of game shows. The contestants were fairly intelligent, especially when it came to quizzes like Tic Tac Dough and Jeopardy. Celebrity game shows were good but only because we wanted to listen to how funny the stars were after the Wednesday taping recess when everyone got hammered.
Now we have idiots. Many of these idiots can be found on GSN-produced shows, where the prize is thankfully not above what they deserve, usually $15,000 tops. We have of course always had morons on Wheel of Fortune who don't want to challenge themselves beyond basic letter knowledge.
I think we can finally put Family Feud to rest. The whole object now is to make Steve Harvey make his classic faux-shocked face. It is beyond corny, it is completely stupid. Female-pawing and kissing Richard Dawson is rolling in his grave I am sure! OK, the dogs are fed their Alpo, let us return to the good doctor!
All right, let's do this. Your first question is, Who played Gerard in "The Fugitive"?
Doug buzzes in: Will Ferrell?
No! Goodbye! (Doug drops away) Anyone else? No? I would have accepted Barry Morse for the original TV version, Tommy Lee Jones for the movie, or Mykelti Williamson for the pathetic TV remake in 2000. Wow, this will be a faster game than I imagined!
All right, which letter in our alphabet has a Greek equivalent as Alpha?
Hillary buzzes in: A?
Yes! Would you like to get an additonal $500 to name our equivalent for Beta?
Hillary: Do I have to buzz in?
No, this is a freebie, practically given on a platter.
Hillary: Um, D?
No, it is Beta.
Hillary (looking down): I'm not dropping?
Unfortunately not, since you didn't have to buzz in for it. All right, here we go. What is the name for an answer in a subtraction equation?
Chuck buzzes in: Sum.
No and goodbye to you! (Chuck drops down). That was "some" kind of dumb, the answer was difference! All right, Hillary! You have won $500, which is below the revenue agency radar, so it is yours to keep. However, you now have a chance to win $6,437.54, bringing your total to $6,937.54. Yes, I can do head math without the help of an announcer.
Hillary: Ooh, what's the bonus round about?
Ooh, nothing to ooh about. I give you a multiple choice question while the studio lights change to a red hue to make it look and seem more dramatic. Some light drums making my hangover worse somehow adds to it according to the producer. Are you ready?
Hillary: Uh huh.
High schools, you need to stress public speaking more. Just 15 seconds, here we go! Which one of these was not one of the Musketeers?
a. D'Artagnan
b. Athos
c. Star Lord
Hillary: Oh geez...golly...ohhhhh....ummm.....I'll pick a.
You should have picked your nose, you would have gotten more gold. No, it was c. Well, you won $500. That should pay for a Burger King combo and gas back to Yuma, then take your friends for a celebratory hammering for winning what might be one of the lowest amounts in game show history. Good night, everyone!
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