Bulletin!
This just in. The Commission of Healthy Eating, as founded by Raymond Burr, has determined that the best course for a healthy body is to douse everything, and we mean EVERYTHING you eat, in vinegar as well as carbonated water. Plain tea is allowed as a substitute for the water. This will ensure the best quality body that you can attain! After all, Lord Byron did it!
Special news update!
Forget that vinegar crap! Our prized inventor Sylvester Graham has issued a suggestion (and we make ALL suggestions social law!) to eat lots of whole grains and raw foods based on vegetables. Plus, the guy is hawking his own crackers, so buy buy buy!
This just in! Drop everything, including your drawers!
Forget Graham, he ended up being a total crackpot as well as a major cracker! Horace Fletcher, whoever he is, maybe he was on Hollywood Squares once, wants us to Fletcherize. No, it doesn't involve puking, but rather chewing your food to that consistency, roughly 32 times per bite. And, to save money, eat only when hungry! You may be so tired of chewing that you'll drop eating entirely, saving you LOTS of money.
Holy Ford Pinto! It's Calories!
Have you ever heard of Lulu Hunt Peters? Neither have we! Yet, she has a revolutionary idea. What makes it revolutionary? It made us walk around the office building several times trying to figure out why we keep falling for this crap! Anyway, Ms Peters has invented calories, an imaginary set of numbers calculated by rolling 10 dice and counting the total, and attributed to random foods. For example, an Oreo could be 1 calorie, and a carrot stick could be 47 calories! Always remember, the less calories you eat, the more healthy you will be. Because we believe every screwball that comes up with a health idea as we can't think for ourselves. Who wants to? Thinkers aren't cool.
Extraordinary news!
Some jerk at a cigarette company makes the really cool suggestion for ladies to reach for a cigarette instead of sweets! Awesome sauce, we love lung cancer as an alternative to love handles, groovy!
A Must-See! Stay Tuned!
Forget the cancer sticks, ladies, that was a pretty stupid idea that we recommended simply because money corrupts us. This new idea is so cool that you'll feel and look great almost instantly. Don't eat a meal, DRINK a meal! Yes sir (or ma'am), thanks to a guy named Dr. Stoll, who knows everything because he's a DOCTOR,you can now have your fruits, veggies, and proteins pulverized together into one disgusting-looking beverage. Who cares what it looks like, right? Just get yourself a blender and liquefy away. Be like the rest of the sheep and be happy!
Disregard previous bulletin!
Eat grapefruit or grapefruit juice with every meal to burn that ugly uncool fat! It's the Hollywood thing, and we know our Hollywood heroes are the best ever! We'd even go to hotel rooms to be with them with no question! Oh some geek is trying to get us to eat cabbage soup, but we all know cabbage makes us fart and that's not the American way! Go Hollywood!
Emergency Alert!
Our President has just had a heart attack! Upon quick research consisting of asking his wife for 5 minutes, we have discovered that he was eating a LOT of saturated fats!That HAS to be the cause right? Of course it is, we believe anything! So, eat margarine instead. Granted that margarine is next to plastic molecule-wise, but at least it's not evil saturated natural foods! Save yourselves, eat the plastic on your bread and potatoes!
Now hear this! Diet soda!
You have no idea of exciting this is! I almost tossed my salad just upon the first words! There is now something called diet soda! No more unnecessary sugar to get my carbonation intake, now I can have something with a sugar substitute that may or may not deter my health. I can drink loads of this stuff and not gain any weight whatsoever! Hand me that 6-pack of Tab, I'm a-binging!
Dang, another cool fad? We're in!
We just met with some barfly named "Dr" Atkins. He has some really neato idea that you can take in a LOT of protein and fats and eat less carbs. My friend Bryan and his fiancee Vickie are doing this diet before their wedding, I bet they'll look great!
Detox? Delightful!
Holy mother of Adam West! We can have a lot of liquefied fruits and veggies. Why, you say! After all this came up before, but now they say we can DETOX our bodies with this torture, so let's do it! They say our bodies can detox themselves, but they're not COOL like us! And we all want to be cool and healthy and popular, right?
This crap just in, no more eggs!
Throw away those eggs! They have FAT in them! We HATE FAT!!! Fat is a communist! Fat is the devil! Fat is Jeff Probst! Fat is- oh yeah, sorry, EGGS HAVE FAT! Get egg substitute instead, it contains more crap than actual eggs, but that's ok because the substitute has little to no fat, and if it has a little, just do 4000 squats to burn the gram off!
Alert alert! Gerber is our savior!
Finally we have it, the ultimate healthy diet! Eat baby food, 14 jars of it, each day along with maybe an adult dinner. This is the best! People at the store keep asking how old my child is, but I just say I am eating better than them because I am cool and popular! Granted the mushiness can be unpleasant, but I just know this will work for me...I know it...I think...hmm...
Free yourselves folks, free yourselves.
Monday, February 25, 2019
Thursday, February 21, 2019
Tucker's Tale part 2: Halloween
When last we left Mr. Price, the poor bastard had been intellectually assaulted by the parents of little Fucker...er Tucker on Meet n Greet Day.
Since then, he has been challenged daily for pretty much anything that could be harmful physically, emotionally, or psychologically for Tucker by his parents...in other words, his daily existence.
Now we jump forward to Halloween. Mr. Price has almost been dreading this, for it is the first "holiday" of the school year. It is after school, the day before Nevada Day. Price has already made a reservation for a bar stool at a watering hole near his home. Just as he is gathering papers to take home and grade (perhaps burn), in comes Tucker's mom. Price has had many conversations with her, and has concluded that she is a perfect combination of snowflake, raisin, and a brick wall.
"Mr. Price!"
Shit. "Yes, ma'am. How nice to see you again this week."
"I was here yesterday, too."
I had almost blocked that out, thanks for the reminder! "Of course. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I have some concerns."
"Ma'am, I cannot do anything about the cafeteria menu. If it says broccoli, Tucker will just have to deal with it."
The mom laughs. "Oh dear no. We had a long conversation about that with Tucker. He understands."
"Oh, he knows it is broccoli and not wittle twees?"
"Dear no, he just understands that the world is not as smart as he is."
"Well he certainly is on another intellectual plane. Speaking of which, the kids took that test that you tried to get canceled. I applaud your effort, but the governor had the final say."
The face crinkles, then breaks into a fake smile. "Oh really? And how did Tucker do?"
Price consults a chart. "Well, when he wasn't reaching for his handkerchief and emptying his brain cells into it, he had trouble with letter sounds and number values. Needless to say, when it came to reading passages and math computation, he flat-lined."
"What do you mean needless to say?"
"What I mean is that despite your husband's claim that Tucker will rise to the top and race to the 3rd grade by March, Tucker is operating at below a first grade level, and since he is in the 2nd grade, saying we have concerns is the century's understatement."
Tucker's mom sits down. "Mr. Price, I understand your concerns, but we have ours as well."
You should be concerned about when to start building the basement to stick that kid in when he flunks out. "Of course."
The gentle fake smile returns. "I have concerns about this Nevada Day. What is it?"
"Oh, instead of Columbus Day, we celebrate the day Nevada attained statehood."
"Hmm, I am not sure I agree with the idea."
"There's been about 8 weeks since Labor Day, so the kids, and teachers, need a little break, don't you think?"
She shakes her head. "Mr. Price, how will we ever get Tucker to grade level if these frivolous vacations keep coming up?"
"No idea. You have me there. Did you talk to the governor?"
"He won't return our calls anymore."
"Small wonder. Next concern."
A look of deep angst on a raisin. "Mr. Price, you sound as though you do not like our meetings."
"Ma'am, I do like meeting with parents to discuss academic concerns and how we can work together on the school AND home fronts. However, we talk and talk and never get anywhere because you do not want to get to the academics. You want to discuss ways to avoid helping Tucker at the very core of school."
"MR PRICE! I do NOT want to avoid ANYTHING!"
"You want to avoid any testing. Believe it or not, you actually won the battle in not getting him tested for special ed against our best advice. You are against weekly reading and math assessments. You are against grades in general. You are against the idea of competition. And now you are against a holiday that the kids and teachers look forward to."
Tucker's mom looks shocked and appalled, but then a surprising smile comes across her face. "Mr. Price, do you like being a teacher?"
"Of course." Before you raised my alcohol tolerance, that is.
"It seems that you might be happier in another profession, seeing that you cannot meet Tucker's needs."
Ooh, I can almost see what's coming. "Why, whatever do you mean?"
Tucker's mom looks at the closed door. "You really shouldn't close the door during a conference."
"You closed it when you entered."
"You can't prove that. Imagine what the administration would think if I accused you of...harassment?"
Price smiles back. "I think they'd find that quite unbelievable, ma'am." Many of them having met you, they'd find it an ice pond in hell of a chance.
"All I have to do is accuse."
"And all I have to do is play the tape of us talking today."
The smile gone once again. "You're...taping this?"
"Well, not TAPING per se, I'm not that ancient, but recording. In fact, since September I have been recording every single conference between you and me."
"W-w-w-w-why?"
"Insurance and transparency. Our talks are documented and I think that anyone will find that I have tried to cooperate with you on every issue. Now, can we get back to the topic of Tucker?"
Mr. Price has never seen anyone look so defeated, so he smiles and offers, "I know you want the best for him. We can't control the holidays, so let's focus on what we can change."
She looks doubtful, but shrugs and smiles. "All right, let's discuss Halloween."
"Excellent."
"What?"
"An excellent topic, I mean. Will Tucker dress up?"
"Oh dear YES!"
That's a fucking switch! "Oh good. What will he be?"
"Why himself, of course! He needs not disguise himself, he is so wonderful as he is."
Knew that was too good to be true. "Of course he is."
"Will there be a party?"
"We like to call them celebrations, but yes. Just in the afternoon. We'll watch something fun and educational while the kids eat from fruit and vegetable trays. I don't need diabetic comas, so no sweets."
Tucker's mom cracks a true smile. A friendly smile. Price is frightened. "Mr. Price, that is so wonderful!"
Price feels a small chill coming from below. Hell HAS frozen over! "Wow, I am glad we finally agree on something."
"Oh YES! OK, one last question and I will let you go."
The chill is full blown and Price feels the need for thick boots. "Go ahead."
"How can we help Tucker at home?"
To be continued...
Since then, he has been challenged daily for pretty much anything that could be harmful physically, emotionally, or psychologically for Tucker by his parents...in other words, his daily existence.
Now we jump forward to Halloween. Mr. Price has almost been dreading this, for it is the first "holiday" of the school year. It is after school, the day before Nevada Day. Price has already made a reservation for a bar stool at a watering hole near his home. Just as he is gathering papers to take home and grade (perhaps burn), in comes Tucker's mom. Price has had many conversations with her, and has concluded that she is a perfect combination of snowflake, raisin, and a brick wall.
"Mr. Price!"
Shit. "Yes, ma'am. How nice to see you again this week."
"I was here yesterday, too."
I had almost blocked that out, thanks for the reminder! "Of course. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I have some concerns."
"Ma'am, I cannot do anything about the cafeteria menu. If it says broccoli, Tucker will just have to deal with it."
The mom laughs. "Oh dear no. We had a long conversation about that with Tucker. He understands."
"Oh, he knows it is broccoli and not wittle twees?"
"Dear no, he just understands that the world is not as smart as he is."
"Well he certainly is on another intellectual plane. Speaking of which, the kids took that test that you tried to get canceled. I applaud your effort, but the governor had the final say."
The face crinkles, then breaks into a fake smile. "Oh really? And how did Tucker do?"
Price consults a chart. "Well, when he wasn't reaching for his handkerchief and emptying his brain cells into it, he had trouble with letter sounds and number values. Needless to say, when it came to reading passages and math computation, he flat-lined."
"What do you mean needless to say?"
"What I mean is that despite your husband's claim that Tucker will rise to the top and race to the 3rd grade by March, Tucker is operating at below a first grade level, and since he is in the 2nd grade, saying we have concerns is the century's understatement."
Tucker's mom sits down. "Mr. Price, I understand your concerns, but we have ours as well."
You should be concerned about when to start building the basement to stick that kid in when he flunks out. "Of course."
The gentle fake smile returns. "I have concerns about this Nevada Day. What is it?"
"Oh, instead of Columbus Day, we celebrate the day Nevada attained statehood."
"Hmm, I am not sure I agree with the idea."
"There's been about 8 weeks since Labor Day, so the kids, and teachers, need a little break, don't you think?"
She shakes her head. "Mr. Price, how will we ever get Tucker to grade level if these frivolous vacations keep coming up?"
"No idea. You have me there. Did you talk to the governor?"
"He won't return our calls anymore."
"Small wonder. Next concern."
A look of deep angst on a raisin. "Mr. Price, you sound as though you do not like our meetings."
"Ma'am, I do like meeting with parents to discuss academic concerns and how we can work together on the school AND home fronts. However, we talk and talk and never get anywhere because you do not want to get to the academics. You want to discuss ways to avoid helping Tucker at the very core of school."
"MR PRICE! I do NOT want to avoid ANYTHING!"
"You want to avoid any testing. Believe it or not, you actually won the battle in not getting him tested for special ed against our best advice. You are against weekly reading and math assessments. You are against grades in general. You are against the idea of competition. And now you are against a holiday that the kids and teachers look forward to."
Tucker's mom looks shocked and appalled, but then a surprising smile comes across her face. "Mr. Price, do you like being a teacher?"
"Of course." Before you raised my alcohol tolerance, that is.
"It seems that you might be happier in another profession, seeing that you cannot meet Tucker's needs."
Ooh, I can almost see what's coming. "Why, whatever do you mean?"
Tucker's mom looks at the closed door. "You really shouldn't close the door during a conference."
"You closed it when you entered."
"You can't prove that. Imagine what the administration would think if I accused you of...harassment?"
Price smiles back. "I think they'd find that quite unbelievable, ma'am." Many of them having met you, they'd find it an ice pond in hell of a chance.
"All I have to do is accuse."
"And all I have to do is play the tape of us talking today."
The smile gone once again. "You're...taping this?"
"Well, not TAPING per se, I'm not that ancient, but recording. In fact, since September I have been recording every single conference between you and me."
"W-w-w-w-why?"
"Insurance and transparency. Our talks are documented and I think that anyone will find that I have tried to cooperate with you on every issue. Now, can we get back to the topic of Tucker?"
Mr. Price has never seen anyone look so defeated, so he smiles and offers, "I know you want the best for him. We can't control the holidays, so let's focus on what we can change."
She looks doubtful, but shrugs and smiles. "All right, let's discuss Halloween."
"Excellent."
"What?"
"An excellent topic, I mean. Will Tucker dress up?"
"Oh dear YES!"
That's a fucking switch! "Oh good. What will he be?"
"Why himself, of course! He needs not disguise himself, he is so wonderful as he is."
Knew that was too good to be true. "Of course he is."
"Will there be a party?"
"We like to call them celebrations, but yes. Just in the afternoon. We'll watch something fun and educational while the kids eat from fruit and vegetable trays. I don't need diabetic comas, so no sweets."
Tucker's mom cracks a true smile. A friendly smile. Price is frightened. "Mr. Price, that is so wonderful!"
Price feels a small chill coming from below. Hell HAS frozen over! "Wow, I am glad we finally agree on something."
"Oh YES! OK, one last question and I will let you go."
The chill is full blown and Price feels the need for thick boots. "Go ahead."
"How can we help Tucker at home?"
To be continued...
Sunday, February 10, 2019
Tucker's Tale, part 1: Meet n Greet
Once upon a time, there was a teacher named Mr. Price. He was in the public school system for almost 40 years and had seen it all. He was educated and trained by east coast philosophies, namely, "snowflakes melt soon after contact" in combined modern form.
In his early years, the system was working well. He taught a general curriculum with little or no parental interference, the principal stayed in her office smoking and drinking, the school lunch was pretty edible, and the teacher lounge was a refuge for a little while each day during lunch or specials (art, music, gym).. Recess was a nice way to get outside for a bit. The movie projector or film strip projector or even the wheeled-in TV for a special viewing was a treat for Price as well as the kids. This went well into the 1980s and made the low pay almost ignorable.
Then in 2008 it was "meet n greet" time in late August. This was when roughly half the class showed up with their parents to give a false sense of security and wonderfulness that the coming year was about to bring. It was also a day when parents brought the necessary Kleenex to get the year off right.
In came a little redheaded boy with about 2 tons of snot running out of his nose, holding a plush purple elephant. He was followed by 2 of the most smiling parents one could ever imagine. As they entered, the parents began writing things down. Mr. Price was in the middle of talking with another parent over the math curriculum for 2nd grade and didn't notice the new trio at first.
Suddenly the dad stepped in the middle of the two and stuck out his hand. "Hi! I'm Tucker's dad!"
Price shook it, noticing the similarity of the hand to a trout he'd once caught. "Hi. Who's Tucker?"
"My son!"
"He's not on my roster."
"He was just registered this morning. We're from Healdsburg, California."
Price looked around Tucker's dad at the spurned parent to whom he had been speaking. "I look forward to seeing Nancy on Monday."
Nancy's mom smiled and nodded, turned, jiggled her ass a bit as (assumed) insurance for her daughter's grades, then left the classroom.
Price made a mental note to have regular conferences with her, then turned back to Tucker's fish, er father. "Healdsburg. Where is that?"
"North of San Francisco."
Price nodded, maintaining his prided ignorance of anything California related. So tell me about fucker."So tell me about Tucker."
Tucker's dad gushed. "Oh, he is such a wonderful child! You two will hit it off right away, I can just tell."
Price glanced at Tucker, whose snot had accumulated a pile at the listening center. Price smiled inwardly, grateful that his childhood days swimming in the sewage-tempered Schuylkill River made him immune against pretty much everything. "Can he read?"
"Oh, yes, he has almost mastered One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish!"
"Almost mastered...lovely. How about his math?"
"Well...he still struggles with anything above 20, but he can do 3+4 in about 8 seconds now."
Price coughed a hidden "ah shit" then smiled as gently as possible. "And they let him out of first grade just like that?"
The dad nodded a knowing nod. "I know, a lot of teachers think that is low, even his teacher wanted to put him back in Kindergarten for two years. Well, we fought them tooth and nail because we just know that he will thrive this year and make you want to send him to third before March," he added with a nervous giggle.
"Fought tooth and nail?"
"Oh yes, the administration along with the superintendent and the school board fought us hard. But, once we said we were moving east, all the resistance ended and they gave us their blessing."
At that point, Tucker's mom walked over to them. Price gave her a once-over with his eyes, and Nancy's mom definitely won out. "Mr. Price, I have just a few questions for you."
"Shoot."
She made a strange crinkled face. "Ugh, please don't say that word. It makes Tucker upset."
"Why?"
"There are no guns in our house, on our TV, or in any of our books."
"Rriigghht. Ask away."
The crinkle smoothed out quickly. "First, how do you celebrate achievement?"
"Well, we have a bulletin board that measures sight word progress, as well as math fact knowledge."
"Hmm." The crinkle returned. "That almost seems like promoting competition."
Yeah, seeing that half of the class is further than you might make you work your ass off more! "That's one opinion. Our admin supports it and most of the other teachers use it as well."
"Well, wouldn't it be better to make them all feel like winners? It supports self-esteem."
"Kind of like a no-score tee ball game, right?"
The crinkle erased again. "Exactly! It makes all of the kids happy."
"Once again, that's one take."
Tucker's mom was realizing she was not winning this one, at least not yet. "Fine. Also, I know it sounds strange, but..." She glanced at Tucker, wiping his nose on the math bulletin board. "I wonder if you could promise to not say," She paused then whispered "broccoli".
Californians! "If you give me a good reason."
"Well, when he was 3, we had that at dinner and he called them 'wittle twees'."
"Little trees. Yeah, ok, cute at 3 years old."
The crinkles not only returned but multiplied. "Herb, help me here!"
The newly named Herb placed an 'I got this, honey' hand on his wife's flat chest. "No, Mr. Price, she means wittle twees. It was just so cute and we didn't want to confuse him as he got older. You do understand, right?"
"To be honest, no. But I don't have to. If the b word accidentally slips out during a discussion of growing vegetables, it slips out. The lunch room serves it fairly regularly and the menu does NOT say 'wittle twees'."
The mom retained her crinkles. "I will have a talk with the lunch lady about this. I am sure she will understand."
In a pig's ass. "Maybe. Now, before you go, did you happen to bring any tissues? We like to keep a good supply for the cold months as well as allergies."
Dad replied, "No. Tissues promote waste. He uses a handkerchief at all times."
"Huh. Does he have one now?"
"Oh no, he forgot his when we left. He'll have it on Monday."
Before then I will have spent all fucking weekend Clorox-wiped everything he got near. "Fine. Just by curiosity does he use toilet paper?"
"Yes, why?"
"Just taking a survey. Well, if that's all, I have a doctor's appointment in 25 minutes."
Mom looked at her Apple Watch. "But Meet and Greet is supposed to go until 3. It's only 11:00."
Shit, I tried. "Oh, I got my times mixed up. Anything else?"
"Yes. I see that you have your desks set up in rows and columns."
Good eyesight. "And?"
"Well, wouldn't partnerships or cooperative groups be a better way to start?"
"Oh. I form those later when I have a good sense of the class personalities and academic levels."
Mom kept the attempted icy stare with fixed smile on him. "How much later?"
"A week, maybe 2 or 3."
Mom's face now resembled an old California raisin ad from the 80s. "But that will hurt Tucker so badly."
"Not at all. Wait until he gets to know me."
Mom tried to look haughty while Dad kept a frightened silence. "We will see, Mr. Price. We will see if you are blessed with him long enough. Goodbye."
In his early years, the system was working well. He taught a general curriculum with little or no parental interference, the principal stayed in her office smoking and drinking, the school lunch was pretty edible, and the teacher lounge was a refuge for a little while each day during lunch or specials (art, music, gym).. Recess was a nice way to get outside for a bit. The movie projector or film strip projector or even the wheeled-in TV for a special viewing was a treat for Price as well as the kids. This went well into the 1980s and made the low pay almost ignorable.
Then in 2008 it was "meet n greet" time in late August. This was when roughly half the class showed up with their parents to give a false sense of security and wonderfulness that the coming year was about to bring. It was also a day when parents brought the necessary Kleenex to get the year off right.
In came a little redheaded boy with about 2 tons of snot running out of his nose, holding a plush purple elephant. He was followed by 2 of the most smiling parents one could ever imagine. As they entered, the parents began writing things down. Mr. Price was in the middle of talking with another parent over the math curriculum for 2nd grade and didn't notice the new trio at first.
Suddenly the dad stepped in the middle of the two and stuck out his hand. "Hi! I'm Tucker's dad!"
Price shook it, noticing the similarity of the hand to a trout he'd once caught. "Hi. Who's Tucker?"
"My son!"
"He's not on my roster."
"He was just registered this morning. We're from Healdsburg, California."
Price looked around Tucker's dad at the spurned parent to whom he had been speaking. "I look forward to seeing Nancy on Monday."
Nancy's mom smiled and nodded, turned, jiggled her ass a bit as (assumed) insurance for her daughter's grades, then left the classroom.
Price made a mental note to have regular conferences with her, then turned back to Tucker's fish, er father. "Healdsburg. Where is that?"
"North of San Francisco."
Price nodded, maintaining his prided ignorance of anything California related. So tell me about fucker."So tell me about Tucker."
Tucker's dad gushed. "Oh, he is such a wonderful child! You two will hit it off right away, I can just tell."
Price glanced at Tucker, whose snot had accumulated a pile at the listening center. Price smiled inwardly, grateful that his childhood days swimming in the sewage-tempered Schuylkill River made him immune against pretty much everything. "Can he read?"
"Oh, yes, he has almost mastered One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish!"
"Almost mastered...lovely. How about his math?"
"Well...he still struggles with anything above 20, but he can do 3+4 in about 8 seconds now."
Price coughed a hidden "ah shit" then smiled as gently as possible. "And they let him out of first grade just like that?"
The dad nodded a knowing nod. "I know, a lot of teachers think that is low, even his teacher wanted to put him back in Kindergarten for two years. Well, we fought them tooth and nail because we just know that he will thrive this year and make you want to send him to third before March," he added with a nervous giggle.
"Fought tooth and nail?"
"Oh yes, the administration along with the superintendent and the school board fought us hard. But, once we said we were moving east, all the resistance ended and they gave us their blessing."
At that point, Tucker's mom walked over to them. Price gave her a once-over with his eyes, and Nancy's mom definitely won out. "Mr. Price, I have just a few questions for you."
"Shoot."
She made a strange crinkled face. "Ugh, please don't say that word. It makes Tucker upset."
"Why?"
"There are no guns in our house, on our TV, or in any of our books."
"Rriigghht. Ask away."
The crinkle smoothed out quickly. "First, how do you celebrate achievement?"
"Well, we have a bulletin board that measures sight word progress, as well as math fact knowledge."
"Hmm." The crinkle returned. "That almost seems like promoting competition."
Yeah, seeing that half of the class is further than you might make you work your ass off more! "That's one opinion. Our admin supports it and most of the other teachers use it as well."
"Well, wouldn't it be better to make them all feel like winners? It supports self-esteem."
"Kind of like a no-score tee ball game, right?"
The crinkle erased again. "Exactly! It makes all of the kids happy."
"Once again, that's one take."
Tucker's mom was realizing she was not winning this one, at least not yet. "Fine. Also, I know it sounds strange, but..." She glanced at Tucker, wiping his nose on the math bulletin board. "I wonder if you could promise to not say," She paused then whispered "broccoli".
Californians! "If you give me a good reason."
"Well, when he was 3, we had that at dinner and he called them 'wittle twees'."
"Little trees. Yeah, ok, cute at 3 years old."
The crinkles not only returned but multiplied. "Herb, help me here!"
The newly named Herb placed an 'I got this, honey' hand on his wife's flat chest. "No, Mr. Price, she means wittle twees. It was just so cute and we didn't want to confuse him as he got older. You do understand, right?"
"To be honest, no. But I don't have to. If the b word accidentally slips out during a discussion of growing vegetables, it slips out. The lunch room serves it fairly regularly and the menu does NOT say 'wittle twees'."
The mom retained her crinkles. "I will have a talk with the lunch lady about this. I am sure she will understand."
In a pig's ass. "Maybe. Now, before you go, did you happen to bring any tissues? We like to keep a good supply for the cold months as well as allergies."
Dad replied, "No. Tissues promote waste. He uses a handkerchief at all times."
"Huh. Does he have one now?"
"Oh no, he forgot his when we left. He'll have it on Monday."
Before then I will have spent all fucking weekend Clorox-wiped everything he got near. "Fine. Just by curiosity does he use toilet paper?"
"Yes, why?"
"Just taking a survey. Well, if that's all, I have a doctor's appointment in 25 minutes."
Mom looked at her Apple Watch. "But Meet and Greet is supposed to go until 3. It's only 11:00."
Shit, I tried. "Oh, I got my times mixed up. Anything else?"
"Yes. I see that you have your desks set up in rows and columns."
Good eyesight. "And?"
"Well, wouldn't partnerships or cooperative groups be a better way to start?"
"Oh. I form those later when I have a good sense of the class personalities and academic levels."
Mom kept the attempted icy stare with fixed smile on him. "How much later?"
"A week, maybe 2 or 3."
Mom's face now resembled an old California raisin ad from the 80s. "But that will hurt Tucker so badly."
"Not at all. Wait until he gets to know me."
Mom tried to look haughty while Dad kept a frightened silence. "We will see, Mr. Price. We will see if you are blessed with him long enough. Goodbye."
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