2018

2018

2018 has been WILD to say the least!

For the celebrity world, we lost a lot of people. Penny Marshall, Nancy Wilson (jazz, not rock), Sondra Locke, Bernardo Bertolucci, Roy Clark, Stan Lee, Burt Reynolds, Aretha Franklin, Charlotte Rae, Harry Anderson, R. Lee Ermey, Milos Forman, Steven Bochco, Stephen Hwking, David Ogden Stiers, Lewis Gilbert (directed Bond movies), Marty Allen, Vic Damone, John Mahoney, Olivia Cole, Peter Wyngarde, and Jerry Van Dyke.

The political world has become a very hot mess and our nation is quite divided. Donald Trump seems perfectly happy to say whatever he wants and piss anyone off as he pleases. The Democrats won some seats in the midterms, but time will tell what that will do for or to us come January. In the meantime, the world's view of us as a nation is tenuous at best, the worst it has been in a while. Whoever replaces Trump will have a lot of damage to fix.

On that note, I will say that social media has become more of a battlefield in terms of real and fake news, personal opinion, and tons of memes. One person reams Trump and others will defend the man, a person defends Trump and others will tar and feather him. As long as the battle stays in digital text and not on the streets with weapons, I think we are safe.

I find myself watching more old shows on disc and YouTube since the current slate of programs is absolute shit.

Terror. The terror is within our nation, not other countries. Every week it seems like some business, church, or individual is the target of a mad gunner. Talks of gun control pop up, but die down, though it gets longer when there is a school shooting. Quite frankly, nobody feels completely safe unless they are white, straight, and Christian. Even then, nobody is completely safe.

On the personal side, we had quite the year. The big thing was, we bought a house! After years of being slaves to landlords and property management companies, we decided to take a gamble and see if we qualified for any sort of mortgage assistance program for teachers. We actually qualified for one even bigger. We looked at homes 1 day in July and by week's end we'd made an offer. On Labor Day weekend, we moved in. It's been quite the roller-coaster ride since but I would not give this house up for anything!

On the job aspect, I moved back to 1st grade (teaching it, not being a student, I SAW that look!). Luckily I was able to stay in the portable, PLUS I was granted my request to do the morning announcements. It has been a great school year so far.

As for the school system itself, I see nothing positive in terms of real raises or relief as long as the current administration is in power. We have a new superintendent who's superintentions I am not clear on yet. The union fought a funding battle over the summer and won, but I haven't seen much in terms of change yet.

My family is my strength as always, plus a network of friends both in and out of school. My relationship with my in-laws is, as always, fluctuating. I like Vickie's brother. I try to get along with her mom, and I've given her a lot of slack since her longtime live-in whatever died in April. However, I have seen and heard things that make me concerned about Natalie. spending time with her in terms of safety and nutrition. I hope the next year proves to be better in that department.

Travel-wise, we took 2 road trips. 1 was to Phoenix to see my old high school buddy Tris and his family in June. At the end of June, we traveled by rental car to Bremerton to see my sister getting married for the second time. I am glad we took the trip, it gave us a chance to mend fences and start talking again. We didn't have the best of relationships, but we do have each other in times of crisis and happiness.

HAPPY 2019 EVERYONE!

Delighted Is Not The Word

("Riders on the Storm" playing)

Good...evening. Once again, your favorite radio shrink Dr. Delighted is on the air. I wish I felt more delighted, but I got a memo today from the boss. It says that as we are in the Christmas season, well, HOLIDAY season according to the memo, I need to devote one night to reading letters and honoring requests. Well, since I hit the Discount Liquor store on the way to work and stocked up, I figured tonight's the night!

So, let's dig into this unusually large shopping bag of letters. Damn, I thought it'd be a gallon Zip Lock at most! Quite frankly, I thought I had a small core audience of people who's radio tuners were stuck on AM. What will be will be, I suppose. Let's see, let's try this one that looks like a card.

"Dear Dokter Delitd,

   I rely luv your sho. Can yu help me get my daddi bak? He bekam a girl last yer. Luv, Vanessa"

Vanessa, before I begin, I must note your interesting spelling and how I can read it so easily. I will assume you are in third grade or below, so the good doctor and his friend Dr. Bacardi will take it easy on you.Your daddy decided to become a woman, and that tells of a lot of problems that made him want to do that. I can't change him back, but I can help you. The new woman at home is still your daddy at heart, so love him, er her. And believe it or not, Vanessa, being a guy in this hostile world is tough unless you're rich. Maybe being a woman and having that kind of support is what he needed. Merry Christmas to you, Vanessa, and look out for a gift card for you in your mailbox soon.

Whew, these kids have it tough, don't they? Endless electronics, conveniences, and so on, yet their parents can't quite get a grip on being a parent. Poor Vanessa and kids like her have to grow up too damn fast to deal with these life changes. Time for a whiskey sour and we'll be right back.

(plays "Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire" by Bob Rivers)

Aaaand, that last tune was requested by someone. Who, I don't know, but it was a request and dammit I honored it! All right, let's see. It's either 10pm or Mickey's gone disco! Time for another letter...oooh, this one looks big and tasty! Um, did I say tasty? Ooh, those brownies in the staff room DID taste unusually good. Let me just bite this corner off...yeecchh! I hate envelope gum!

"Dear Dr. Delighted, I am 47, and feeling sad and hopeless. Ten years ago up in Canada, my grandmother got run over by a reindeer. I miss her so much, I wish she were here with me now. It was such a tragedy. Doctor, what can I do? Sadly, Ned"

Huh, that sounded like it should come from a Bruce! So, Bruce, er-Nad, I am going to give you some really (belch) sage advice: GET LAID! I mean, seriously, guy, you're pushing 50 and you still miss grandma? I'm not going to go all Freudian on you, Nad, that's for a shrink that has a real degree.  Nad Needs Notorious Nookie Now! I think I'll make you a bumper sticker with that exact phrase, the ladies will just be crawling over you, I'm sure. As for that reindeer bit, well, (belch) at least you didn't say it was an Al-Qaida job. Merry Christmas, Nad!

Damn, all I am hearing is some doom and gloom! I refuse to read another letter on the air until I see happiness! Let's see...sex change, Satan shall prevail, a summons for me to appear in court, which sort of is happy since it's about my divorce but it is not a letter...now HERE's something!

"Dear Dr. Delighted, Why is TV such a piece of crap? I subscribe to cable and see nothing but endless reruns of shit and infomercials. Can we destroy DirecTV together? Yours, Mel"

Mel, you and I are in the same boat, brother! I agree, the entire cable world should go up in a wall of flames. The best way to enjoy TV is to purchase only the things you do like. Sure, you might see some good classics on cable here and there, but they cut out openings and closings. Worry not, though, I have a plan to make the cable companies implode upon themselves, I just need a few billion. I'm talking major telethon here. In the meantime, here's that request I am assuming you're making in this letter.

(plays "57 Channels and Nothing On" by Bruce Springsteen)

Mmm, those brownies make that slightly undercooked turkey taste absolutely delish! All right, let's find a real winner here. Let's see...abducted by aliens....a few X-rated offers....lots of unwarranted name-calling...ah here we go.

"Dear Dr. Delighted, I am a mother of 2 teenagers, both boys that I am aware of. I have given them everything. Electronics, musical instruments, sporting equipment, you just name it. I want them to know they're loved. I even took them out of public school and let them do school online right from home. No matter what I do, I can't seem to earn any respect from them. Signed, Desperate"

Well...let's start with your name. I think you should get it legally changed. As for your kids, not much you can do anymore. Because, quite frankly, you killed them already. They ask and ask and you give and give. No respect to be found there, and certainly no love beyond empty hugs and kisses and "I love you Mommy" overtures. I imagine they don't do chores, either. I probably wouldn't hire those twits to mop my DJ booth's liquor stains from the floor. I suppose if you have a basement you could have the kids live down there for eternity since they're ruined for the real world. Maybe the IRS will let you claim them as dependents forever. Whatever you do, please do NOT let them be fruitful and multiply. I would consider that favor community service.

(plays "We Wish You Weren't Living With Us" by Bob Rivers)

All right, folks, that is all the time we have for this special holiday edition. We'll be back to my usual raw advice tomorrow. Stay off the roads if you're drunk, enjoy family time, get laid if at all possible. And remember, if you have a problem, I am delighted to help you but not enable you. Good night!

Delighted Part 2

(station playing Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer)

Hello, and welcome back to the Dr Delighted Show, where we love to listen to your problems and we couldn't be any more delighted if we were on a nude Brazilian beach. And I see we have a caller with some problem or other. Hello! This is Dr. Delighted, damn delighted to speak with you.

"How dare you!"

Sorry, my mom taught be to be gregarious to guests.

"I mean, how dare you play that song!"

What song?

"Rudolph!"

Actually I didn't play it, I was on the can emptying some early Christmas cheer. What precisely is your all-beef patty?

"That is an offensive song!"

Obviously. That's probably why it's been on the air for 70 years.

"I don't care, it offends me!"

I'll bite, but I'll do Listerine later. Why is it offensive?

"The poor reindeer is bullied. It's a song about a bullied reindeer! What a bad example for our children!"

Yeahhh. Well, have you heard the whole song?

"Well, of course."

Good, and what happens to Rudolph at the end?

"He leads Santa's sleigh."

Sounds like a success story to me.

"But he was BULLIED at the beginning!"

So let me get this straight. If Rudolph were just a normal reindeer without the red nose and got chosen to lead the team, you think it would have been a success?

"No, the red nose was what made him special. But they didn't have to BULLY him."

Hahahahahaha, you jellyfish.

"Excuse me?"

I just laughed and called you a name. And stay tuned for this song, it's quite a fun game.

(plays "The Lonesome Loser")

This portion of the Dr. Delighted Show is sponsored by Prozac and Captain Morgan. And let's see our callers on hold. 5 lesbian breakups, 6 wives of soldiers abroad, 3 who want to hear something by a singer I refuse to play. Damn, forgot the mike was on. To all of you...get over it and Merry Christmas. Remember, if you want maple sap, call Delilah. OK, we have something new. Let er rip, brand new caller!

"Dr. Delighted?"

Delighted as always. What is your name?

"Karen. Dr. Delighted, are you happy?"

Karen, did you actually call here to ask about me?

(shy) "Yes."

Listeners, this is a rare thing for a super broadcaster such as myself. I spend so much time listening to other people's crap...er, problems that nobody ever thinks of me. Well, Karen, I am delighted to say I am a very happy person.

"Oh."

You sound disappointed.

"Well, if you weren't happy, I wanted to recommend Lucifer's Yoga Studio. They really know how to make you smile. All you do is say a prayer for Satan and-"

And what a great suggestion for the denizens of East Rutherford! Remember, East Rutherford, LUCIFER'S YOGA STUDIO. I generally don't do plugs, but this one makes sense.

(plays "Highway to Hell")

And now for tonight's weather report. Baby, it's COLD outside! And...damn, here we go again! Who is this little fu----dge nugget? Barney from somewhere west of the San Andreas Fault. May I lay a guess as to why you jumped on?

"Yeah, go ahead."

You object to even the song title being mentioned?

"What? Ah hell no, I'm a traditionalist. That being said, I do have a gripe."

With whom?

"My boss."

Ooh, something different. Rock the Casbah, Humbug!

"Huh?"

Tell your story before it's ad time!

"Well, it's kind of odd. I mean, I deal with her every day, she's very demanding. Yet, sometimes I see her when she's not looking and...I..."

Want to destroy her, right?

"Not exactly."

Bury her in the desert?

"Er, no."

Rip her a new one without losing your job?

"Well...yes and no...you see-"

Oh, I do see now. Barney, I think I'm going to give you an early Christmas gift of a VIP membership to Pornhub.

"Wait-why?"

Because you need to polish the rocks before your rocks make you do something stupid at work. We don't need another unemployed statistic. And now for a song I believe suits the mood.

(plays "Hots for Teacher")

Ad for Little Darlings.

And we're back. Time for our last loser- er, lost soul. Aha! Speaking of Little Darlings, we have "Amber". Maybe I didn't get ENOUGH holiday cheer. Good evening, Amber!

"Hi you jerk!"

Did I not leave you a $20 last week?

"I'm NOT A STRIPPER!"

M-hmmm. So what's your beef-a-roni?

"You told my boyfriend to leave me!"

Ridiculous, I dispense no such direct advice on here.

"Oh he found a way to interpret your damn advice!"

(Bill Dozier impression) Will Dr. Delighted find a way out of this? Can he weasel out yet another jam? Or will he lose all credibility?

"What is your problem? What are you doing?"

Oh, sounded like a cliffhanger moment. Look, I cannot control what people do with my indirect ramblings. It's what keeps me out of court. But for argument sake, what was this guy's name?

"Stu."

Stu Pididdiot? Stu Pefied? Stu Debaker? Stu Por?

"Stu Schultz."

Oh yes! I surmised you were getting extra stew somewhere else.

"Yeah!"

Well?

"Well what?"

Were you?

"That's not the point, the point is-"

Now, if you'd said no, I would have rethought my position. Now I feel justified. You got it somewhere else, but you want to keep your security blanket. I get that.

"If you get that, why did you interfere?"

Who called me first? Him or you?

"Umm, him."

So he laid out his problem, I interpreted, and he acted on it. Now, if you'd chimed in on that call and denied it, we might have had more than 7 listeners that night hearing the debate. But you're blaming me for steering him toward the truth.

"Yeahhh.....maybe I need to kick myself. That or shoot you."

Both are options. You armed?

"Unfortunately, no."

Then Merry Christmas, learn to be faithful, and as you do, here's a tune for you.

(plays "Janie's Got a Gun")

And that wraps up another episode of Dr. Delighted. I am always delighted to hear your problems and even more delighted to steer you on a new path, one you might need to pay a toll for. Good night, it is time for more holiday cheer...and I'll let you interpret that.