It is time once again to dig into my bookshelf for a classic Bryan Moore book review. I don't do it as often as I should. OK, Bryan, cut the crap and get to it!
Tonight's entry: "Confess, Fletch". It is the second entry in the Fletch book series by the late Gregory McDonald and, for a change, not source material for a movie. Chronologically, it would be the 6th book in the Fletch series, as Mr. McDonald jumped around the Fletch timeline frequently during the 9-book series between 1974 and 1986. "Confess" was published in 1976. Personally, I believe this to be the best work in the series, with the original book coming in at a close second. This is due to two major characters instead of one.
The major character is Irwin Maurice Fletcher, known more colloquially as Fletch. An instinctual former reporter who previously came upon $3 million in the original novel, he is now a man of independent means, though by no means a tacky representative of the nouveau riche. He is greatly appreciative of fine art and respects the value of a dollar, having previously lived on a reporter's salary and owed 2 ex-wives back and front alimony.
That is his past life, and now he is in Boston searching for a vast, stolen art collection belonging to Italian count Clementi Arbogastes de Grassi, presumably kidnapped and murdered shortly before the book began. Fletch is also engaged to "Menti's" daughter Angela and is looking for the de Grassi collection on her behalf. There is one hitch to his search: in the apartment he has just rented is the slain naked body of a young woman. In the first of many great scenes, he calls the police business line instead of police emergency, as the emergency is over.
In comes the second major character, Inspector Francis Xavier Flynn, to investigate. He is Irish, a large-built man with a smaller head and a voice played like a soft woodwind. He is wry, quite intelligent, and a perfect match for Fletch's innately dodgy nature. He earns Fletch's respect quickly. Flynn is shown as a good man, a cop who solves cases on his own meticulous nature and time, never bowing to political pressure. He is also a firm but loving husband and father of 4.
Along with Flynn comes Sergeant Richard T. Whelan, who is dubbed "Grover" by Flynn throughout the book. Grover is a classic example of a hard-charging cop, preferring to arrest on circumstantial evidence and let the law take its course. He reminds me of Wojciehowitz on "Barney Miller". Flynn treats him as a necessary but unwanted presence. Grover's respect for him is even lower.
Throughout the book, Fletch, going under the moniker of Peter Fletcher (a ruse quickly uncovered by Flynn), is alternately trying to solve the woman's murder to get himself off the hook, as his fingerprints were the only ones on the murder weapon (a wine bottle), while also coming into contact with Professor Ronald Risom Horan, an arrogant art dealer whom Fletch almost immediately dislikes and suspects of having the de Grassi collection.
There are many other supporting characters adding much flavor to Fletch's world.
Angela de Grassi: Fletch's young fiancee who is determined to reclaim the de Grassi art collection in order to take care of her home and servants in Italy.
Sylvia de Grassi: Angela's stepmother, quite busty, 40ish, and hot-tempered. She is also determined to get the art collection, but mostly for herself. In the middle of the book, she "rapes" Fletch in order to curry favor with him. This scene is important because it re-establishes Fletch as a believer in free love.
Jack Saunders: An editor at the Boston Globe and Fletch's old boss from when they worked at a Chicago newspaper. He loves work more than his family, and calls Fletch in one late night to cover a series of fires. Fletch has a quick theory about the cause, which Flynn later disproves. This part does 2 things. One, it shows how good an investigator Fletch is, and two, it shows Flynn as a competent detective.
Bart Connors: The owner of the apartment Fletch is living at. Bart has taken residence in Fletch's home in Italy in turn through a homeswapping service. Connors is a middle-aged lawyer going through a painful divorce. He and Angela engage in coitus, showing Angela to be as liberated at Fletch. Bart is the singular focus of Fletch's suspicion of the woman's murder, Fletch believing that Bart killed her before leaving for Italy.
Lucy Connors: Bart's soon-to-be-ex-wife. A recently de-closeted lesbian, she has taken residence with her lover Marsha Hauptmann. Through a clever Fletch ruse, he learns that Lucy has a history of sexual violence and anger. She is another suspect of murder in Fletch's eyes.
Clay Robinson: The murder victim's fiance, he comes to confront and kill Fletch. Fletch quickly disarms and comforts Clay in his distraught grief. I like this scene because it shows Fletch as a compassionate understanding character, adding to his complex nature.
Over the course of the book, there are many funny and witty scenes as Fletch consistently loses his police tail, speaks with Flynn, and sets up the suspected art thief for a fall.
Probably the two best scenes are between Fletch and Flynn. In the first, Flynn makes a genuinely friendly visit to Fletch in order to get to know his number one suspect better. He cannot arrest Fletch until he has all of the evidence and there is just something about his suspect that makes him reluctant. in the same visit, Fletch (and we) learn that Flynn was a member of the Jugendfuhrer (Hitler youth) as a spy for the British government. The other scene is where Fletch visits Flynn's home near the airport. There he meets Elsbeth (Flynn's wife), Randy, Todd, Jennifer, and Winnie (Flynn's kids), and watches them perform a 40-minute concert of Beethoven music.
The murder case and art thievery are resolved at the end with a few twists and turns and a surprise at the end. I have read this book many times and enjoy it thoroughly each time. It is a great example of witty dialogue, the rival of Robert B. Parker's Spenser novels.
Highly recommended to all...if you can find a copy! Thank heaven for Amazon and used book stores!
Friday, July 28, 2017
Saturday, July 22, 2017
Teachers on Tap
Speaking as an educator of 15 years...well, actually 19 1/2 if you count substitute teaching, which most don't rate above shrimp fryer at Long John Silver's...I've had it with the dichotomy of "we need more teachers...they're just not worth what other professions make."
Now, I will not get up on my Zest soapbox to say "HOW DARE YOU?! DON'T YOU KNOW THAT TEACHERS GIVE CHILDREN AN EDUCATION SO THEY CAN HAVE A FUTURE?! AND BY THE WAY, I DON'T USE ZEST! I'M JUST STANDING HERE BECAUSE IT WAS THE ONLY SOAPBOX AROUND!!" I have heard it all before and nothing changes, probably never will.
Instead, I want to present: MR. MOORE MASTERPIECE YET ABSURDIST THEATER! I will present a completely nonsensical scenario because you all know how my head works: like a Great Value trash bag, it needs to be emptied more often than the leading brand.
Tonight's episode: Teachers on Tap
It is present day in anywhere U.S.A. The teachers in town and the rest of America are dealing with too much stress than they can handle. Rallies for raises are failing even in unionized areas. Class sizes are increasing...not the actual classroom but the room population, with no relief in sight. Parents have been given power to sue individual teachers just for speaking firmly to their child. Even in charter schools, once considered the enemy, teachers have even less rights than in the public schools. The only schools that appear to be working are private high-tuition schools that only the richest can afford.
Sounds realistic so far, doesn't it?
In the summer of 2020, there is a massive gold and silver rush on the Montana-Saskatchewan border and throughout western Canada in general. Plenty of work for all as miners or even teachers of children in the new mining camps. This is even bigger than the mid 19th century rushes, and there are not enough Canadians to work and manage the mines.
The call is made to educators in particular and there is a massive exodus of teachers from the nation's schools. Emergency Canadian citizenship is granted to the new workers. It is a new life for many. There are no longer the hassles of Common Core, large class sizes, and an ever-increasing bureaucracy determined to keep teachers "in their place". The new wealth is modest, but soon those ore strikes are bringing in new homes with real yards, and a good life. Not a rich life, but just enough to not stress over. That is not to say there is no strife. Cancer and heart disease ad bad nutrition are as rampant as ever, but overall the lives of formerly-beleaguered educators are completely turned around for the better. Being Canadian becomes great, eh?
However, that is telling only half the story. Back in the States, there are school districts with bureaucracies that never learned to quit the power trip. As class sizes increase due to a lack of teachers, administrators have to step down to become teachers themselves, and inner school district higher-ups in the "big offices" have to step in to become principals and heaven forbid TEACHERS....it is not enough and the whole system is in chaos!
Many schools have to turn kids away because there is no more room in the classrooms to take even half a breath. Parents are frantic because there is nobody to educate, hell just WATCH their kids while they work. Many parents are fired because they take too much time off to search for a school with breathing room or just spend the day with their kids. They look to move to Canada, but the rush is coming to a close, the fortunes have been landed, and Canada and Montana are enjoying economic circuitry like never before.
The President (I won't assume it is the guy who rhymes with dump), after meeting with Congress in an unusual time of cooperation, decides to enact Executive Order 6666- The Teacher Draft Act. Similar to the military draft pre-1975, people over the age of 21 will get a boot camp-style teacher training in "proper" education (Common Core, low salaries, big bureaucracy,etc.) for a few weeks, then be sent ANYWHERE in the country to serve at pretty much military noncom wages.
According to the government, the system is working. More teachers are filling classrooms, the higher-up admins return to their glory offices and glory salaries. Re-elections seem imminent. Everything is calm and settled down...and IN CONTROL...seemingly.
The draft philosophy slowly begins to unravel when two reporters, we'll call them Woolworth and Boscov (sorry, Woodward and Bernstein threatened to sue), catch a whiff of scattered arrests of teachers involved in physical and sexual abuse of students. There is also an uprising of student AND teacher pregnancies. Seems that the emergency draft, like other hastily organized government actions, neglected to incorporate psychological exams and background checks. Mass teacher firings and arrests abound. Sure, there are those who can do the job, but they are slim in number.
More teachers are drafted, and the cycle continues. Hastily-organized (are you shocked?) psych evals consisting of social media quizzes attempt to weed out the lowlifes, because we all know how accurate those quizzes are ("click TRY ANOTHER ANSWER if you didn't like this one") and minimal background checks occur in the form of confirming they have a social security number and a salad shooter. Still, legal problems arise. As this was a Federal solution, the government of course blames the states and school districts for the failure. All in all, the higher-up administrators return to schools and the nation's children get dumber through electronic devices and weak physical abilities. Dissolve to Canada and Montana where the formerly stressed teachers are living happy lives, and not even concerned with what is happening "down there" (so to speak).
At the end of this episode, Mr. Moore is revealed, sitting at his computer with a cup of coffee, trying to jut out his lower lip like Rod Serling. "Ladies and gentlemen and ladies who want to be gentlemen and gentlemen who want to be ladies but still identify with really wanting to be a head of romaine lettuce, what you have just seen was a dramatization of what could happen if our political leaders state and Federal don't get their heads out of their collective hairy ankles. Next week, the life and times of funnyman Sean Penn!"
Now, I will not get up on my Zest soapbox to say "HOW DARE YOU?! DON'T YOU KNOW THAT TEACHERS GIVE CHILDREN AN EDUCATION SO THEY CAN HAVE A FUTURE?! AND BY THE WAY, I DON'T USE ZEST! I'M JUST STANDING HERE BECAUSE IT WAS THE ONLY SOAPBOX AROUND!!" I have heard it all before and nothing changes, probably never will.
Instead, I want to present: MR. MOORE MASTERPIECE YET ABSURDIST THEATER! I will present a completely nonsensical scenario because you all know how my head works: like a Great Value trash bag, it needs to be emptied more often than the leading brand.
Tonight's episode: Teachers on Tap
It is present day in anywhere U.S.A. The teachers in town and the rest of America are dealing with too much stress than they can handle. Rallies for raises are failing even in unionized areas. Class sizes are increasing...not the actual classroom but the room population, with no relief in sight. Parents have been given power to sue individual teachers just for speaking firmly to their child. Even in charter schools, once considered the enemy, teachers have even less rights than in the public schools. The only schools that appear to be working are private high-tuition schools that only the richest can afford.
Sounds realistic so far, doesn't it?
In the summer of 2020, there is a massive gold and silver rush on the Montana-Saskatchewan border and throughout western Canada in general. Plenty of work for all as miners or even teachers of children in the new mining camps. This is even bigger than the mid 19th century rushes, and there are not enough Canadians to work and manage the mines.
The call is made to educators in particular and there is a massive exodus of teachers from the nation's schools. Emergency Canadian citizenship is granted to the new workers. It is a new life for many. There are no longer the hassles of Common Core, large class sizes, and an ever-increasing bureaucracy determined to keep teachers "in their place". The new wealth is modest, but soon those ore strikes are bringing in new homes with real yards, and a good life. Not a rich life, but just enough to not stress over. That is not to say there is no strife. Cancer and heart disease ad bad nutrition are as rampant as ever, but overall the lives of formerly-beleaguered educators are completely turned around for the better. Being Canadian becomes great, eh?
However, that is telling only half the story. Back in the States, there are school districts with bureaucracies that never learned to quit the power trip. As class sizes increase due to a lack of teachers, administrators have to step down to become teachers themselves, and inner school district higher-ups in the "big offices" have to step in to become principals and heaven forbid TEACHERS....it is not enough and the whole system is in chaos!
Many schools have to turn kids away because there is no more room in the classrooms to take even half a breath. Parents are frantic because there is nobody to educate, hell just WATCH their kids while they work. Many parents are fired because they take too much time off to search for a school with breathing room or just spend the day with their kids. They look to move to Canada, but the rush is coming to a close, the fortunes have been landed, and Canada and Montana are enjoying economic circuitry like never before.
The President (I won't assume it is the guy who rhymes with dump), after meeting with Congress in an unusual time of cooperation, decides to enact Executive Order 6666- The Teacher Draft Act. Similar to the military draft pre-1975, people over the age of 21 will get a boot camp-style teacher training in "proper" education (Common Core, low salaries, big bureaucracy,etc.) for a few weeks, then be sent ANYWHERE in the country to serve at pretty much military noncom wages.
According to the government, the system is working. More teachers are filling classrooms, the higher-up admins return to their glory offices and glory salaries. Re-elections seem imminent. Everything is calm and settled down...and IN CONTROL...seemingly.
The draft philosophy slowly begins to unravel when two reporters, we'll call them Woolworth and Boscov (sorry, Woodward and Bernstein threatened to sue), catch a whiff of scattered arrests of teachers involved in physical and sexual abuse of students. There is also an uprising of student AND teacher pregnancies. Seems that the emergency draft, like other hastily organized government actions, neglected to incorporate psychological exams and background checks. Mass teacher firings and arrests abound. Sure, there are those who can do the job, but they are slim in number.
More teachers are drafted, and the cycle continues. Hastily-organized (are you shocked?) psych evals consisting of social media quizzes attempt to weed out the lowlifes, because we all know how accurate those quizzes are ("click TRY ANOTHER ANSWER if you didn't like this one") and minimal background checks occur in the form of confirming they have a social security number and a salad shooter. Still, legal problems arise. As this was a Federal solution, the government of course blames the states and school districts for the failure. All in all, the higher-up administrators return to schools and the nation's children get dumber through electronic devices and weak physical abilities. Dissolve to Canada and Montana where the formerly stressed teachers are living happy lives, and not even concerned with what is happening "down there" (so to speak).
At the end of this episode, Mr. Moore is revealed, sitting at his computer with a cup of coffee, trying to jut out his lower lip like Rod Serling. "Ladies and gentlemen and ladies who want to be gentlemen and gentlemen who want to be ladies but still identify with really wanting to be a head of romaine lettuce, what you have just seen was a dramatization of what could happen if our political leaders state and Federal don't get their heads out of their collective hairy ankles. Next week, the life and times of funnyman Sean Penn!"
Wednesday, July 19, 2017
Mr. Moore Mysteries
I don't know about you, but I've come to the conclusion that the cable industry has over-expanded to the point where Raymond Burr would have looked to be in shape by comparison. There are channels and offshoots of those channels that air marathons of the same show for hours on end. My wife can channel surf at any given time and find a MASH episode on one of them. Reba and The Golden Girls are other sure-fire candidates for eternal reruns.
I remember a day, a very magical day, in 1986. Before that magical day, we had a total of 11 channels on a system called BerksCable, which I long suspected of being operated from a tech geek's basement on Penn Avenue in Sinking Spring.To my recollection, those channels were 3 and 8(both NBC), 6 (ABC), 10 and 15 (both CBS), 12 and 44 (both PBS), 17, 29, 69, (both independents), and USA. Also, via a bizarre device called a switcher box, we got a regional pay service called PRISM, which aired movies, Philly sports, and softcore porn (so I've heard, wink wink).
On that magical day, a guy from the updated BerksCable, now housed in the Reading Airport's hangar, delivered a new cable box and got access to Nickelodeon, ESPN, A&E, Bravo, BET, Discovery, along with more premium channels. We soon found out, however, that there was a lot of crap on most of those channels most of the time, so we stuck to the local stuff most of the time.
As time has gone on, more channels have entered the fray. From what I can tell, most of these new channels exist primarily to offer hours of the same show at a time. I don't know how these channels make any money, as these shows probably come with a low rental fee anyway.
A few of these channels seem to exist to offer cable-only mystery and heartstring-pulling movies. That is to say, if you want hours of Christmas tree sap, cheeky yet cheesy mysteries, or the disease-bringing-a-torn-apart-family-together tearjerker via red onion, then the Hallmark channels are the way to go! Those mysteries, really comedies, star Candace Cameron-Bure, Lori Loughlin, Jewel, or some other TV or music has-been that thinks she can pull off amateur detective work, while maintaining a real job, with full credibility.
Well by golly I meet the qualifications to have my own cable mystery movie! I've done some cheesy camcorder-made movies and sung badly in the car and in the shower, and I maintain a real job.
PRESENTING: THE MR. MOORE MYSTERIES, STARRING MR. MOORE HIMSELF!
Seriously, nobody can capture my humorous, fun-loving yet sociopathic personality like yours truly!
A typical entry will begin with the view of an unsuspecting victim's hairy ankle(feet have been overdone) as they move in some dark place, or perhaps the bathroom. We need to be a bit risque, so we'll need the sound of a flushing toilet while maintaining the view of the ankle. Within a minute, we'll hear a dull thud as the ankle rotates quickly to a horizontal position, along with a loud "OUCH!", because the typical death groan has been overdone. I know I know, some audiences will complain that the naked ankle needs to be covered with a sock, but this IS cable, dammit!
CUT TO:
Mr. Moore sitting at his computer desk, sipping his coffee while playing some stupid online slot or looking at Edge of Night videos, trying to decide which will wake him up quicker. Suddenly a chat window pops up on social media. It is his friend and colleague Candice, bemoaning the fact that it's Thursday and that means early staff training day. Moore curses, now fully awake, realizing he should be at work already! Candice advises him to move his ass.
As Mr. Moore dashes to the car, he realizes that his daughter is still asleep. He then realizes there was no room for her in the movie budget, so he continues on his way. As he speeds toward work, the Commissioner of Something or Other calls and says she (we try to be politically correct) has a feeling someone with hairy ankles died, but can't spare anyone to investigate.
Moore hurries into the workplace library, being given the death stare by both bosses as some teacher trying to get professional growth brownie points shows the staff how to connect dental floss to reading comprehension. Moore sits subtly in the back, daydreaming about dead hairy ankles when suddenly he has an inspriation. He dashes to the men's room, remembering he didn't go at home. While there, he sees...DEAD HAIRY ANKLES ON THE FLOOR!
DISSOLVE TO:
Mr. Moore antagonizes everyone in the library, subtly accusing each one of murdering the person with the ankles (we'll call him Mortimer) through seemingly innocent questions such as "What do you have against hairy ankles?" and "What would a woman like you be doing in the men's room? If you ARE a woman!" This part, along with being chewed out by both the bosses AND the cops for interfering in the investigation, goes through 4 commercial breaks.
Of course, we need to have a homey feeling, so Mr. Moore dashes home for a quickie lunch or a quickie with the wife. If it's lunch, it'll be a quick sandwich and rehashing of the morning's events. If it's a quickie, only ankles will be shown.
CUT TO:
Moore returns to the workplace, but no kids are seen due to the damn cable budget. Instead we see him teaching some lesson about dental floss as the boss is watching to a group of 40 ankles (obviously mannequins upon close examination). In the middle of the lesson, Moore stops midsentence, realizing in flashback that there was a thread of floss on the bathroom floor next to Mortimer! Excusing himself for a restroom break (infuriating the boss even further), he instead goes to confront the substitute custodian. There is a furious struggle as the custodian tries to kill Moore with his screwdriver. For some reason this substitute is wearing a ski mask, but hey, all cheesy mysteries have ski masks in the wardrobe budget!
Moore defends himself through witty homicidal one-liners and really bad martial arts moves learned from rice cooker instructions. Somehow, his opponent gives up, admitting he killed Mortimer because he was in line for the custodian day job and he needed the job desperately.
As the cops lead the custodian away, Mr. Moore is ready to call it a day, not remembering he still has students in the classroom. This is one angle that will make the movie series a success: Moore keeps getting fired at the end of every movie and get into a new profession in the next entry, but is satisfied he got his man (or woman if certain groups protest too much).
I remember a day, a very magical day, in 1986. Before that magical day, we had a total of 11 channels on a system called BerksCable, which I long suspected of being operated from a tech geek's basement on Penn Avenue in Sinking Spring.To my recollection, those channels were 3 and 8(both NBC), 6 (ABC), 10 and 15 (both CBS), 12 and 44 (both PBS), 17, 29, 69, (both independents), and USA. Also, via a bizarre device called a switcher box, we got a regional pay service called PRISM, which aired movies, Philly sports, and softcore porn (so I've heard, wink wink).
On that magical day, a guy from the updated BerksCable, now housed in the Reading Airport's hangar, delivered a new cable box and got access to Nickelodeon, ESPN, A&E, Bravo, BET, Discovery, along with more premium channels. We soon found out, however, that there was a lot of crap on most of those channels most of the time, so we stuck to the local stuff most of the time.
As time has gone on, more channels have entered the fray. From what I can tell, most of these new channels exist primarily to offer hours of the same show at a time. I don't know how these channels make any money, as these shows probably come with a low rental fee anyway.
A few of these channels seem to exist to offer cable-only mystery and heartstring-pulling movies. That is to say, if you want hours of Christmas tree sap, cheeky yet cheesy mysteries, or the disease-bringing-a-torn-apart-family-together tearjerker via red onion, then the Hallmark channels are the way to go! Those mysteries, really comedies, star Candace Cameron-Bure, Lori Loughlin, Jewel, or some other TV or music has-been that thinks she can pull off amateur detective work, while maintaining a real job, with full credibility.
Well by golly I meet the qualifications to have my own cable mystery movie! I've done some cheesy camcorder-made movies and sung badly in the car and in the shower, and I maintain a real job.
PRESENTING: THE MR. MOORE MYSTERIES, STARRING MR. MOORE HIMSELF!
Seriously, nobody can capture my humorous, fun-loving yet sociopathic personality like yours truly!
A typical entry will begin with the view of an unsuspecting victim's hairy ankle(feet have been overdone) as they move in some dark place, or perhaps the bathroom. We need to be a bit risque, so we'll need the sound of a flushing toilet while maintaining the view of the ankle. Within a minute, we'll hear a dull thud as the ankle rotates quickly to a horizontal position, along with a loud "OUCH!", because the typical death groan has been overdone. I know I know, some audiences will complain that the naked ankle needs to be covered with a sock, but this IS cable, dammit!
CUT TO:
Mr. Moore sitting at his computer desk, sipping his coffee while playing some stupid online slot or looking at Edge of Night videos, trying to decide which will wake him up quicker. Suddenly a chat window pops up on social media. It is his friend and colleague Candice, bemoaning the fact that it's Thursday and that means early staff training day. Moore curses, now fully awake, realizing he should be at work already! Candice advises him to move his ass.
As Mr. Moore dashes to the car, he realizes that his daughter is still asleep. He then realizes there was no room for her in the movie budget, so he continues on his way. As he speeds toward work, the Commissioner of Something or Other calls and says she (we try to be politically correct) has a feeling someone with hairy ankles died, but can't spare anyone to investigate.
Moore hurries into the workplace library, being given the death stare by both bosses as some teacher trying to get professional growth brownie points shows the staff how to connect dental floss to reading comprehension. Moore sits subtly in the back, daydreaming about dead hairy ankles when suddenly he has an inspriation. He dashes to the men's room, remembering he didn't go at home. While there, he sees...DEAD HAIRY ANKLES ON THE FLOOR!
DISSOLVE TO:
Mr. Moore antagonizes everyone in the library, subtly accusing each one of murdering the person with the ankles (we'll call him Mortimer) through seemingly innocent questions such as "What do you have against hairy ankles?" and "What would a woman like you be doing in the men's room? If you ARE a woman!" This part, along with being chewed out by both the bosses AND the cops for interfering in the investigation, goes through 4 commercial breaks.
Of course, we need to have a homey feeling, so Mr. Moore dashes home for a quickie lunch or a quickie with the wife. If it's lunch, it'll be a quick sandwich and rehashing of the morning's events. If it's a quickie, only ankles will be shown.
CUT TO:
Moore returns to the workplace, but no kids are seen due to the damn cable budget. Instead we see him teaching some lesson about dental floss as the boss is watching to a group of 40 ankles (obviously mannequins upon close examination). In the middle of the lesson, Moore stops midsentence, realizing in flashback that there was a thread of floss on the bathroom floor next to Mortimer! Excusing himself for a restroom break (infuriating the boss even further), he instead goes to confront the substitute custodian. There is a furious struggle as the custodian tries to kill Moore with his screwdriver. For some reason this substitute is wearing a ski mask, but hey, all cheesy mysteries have ski masks in the wardrobe budget!
Moore defends himself through witty homicidal one-liners and really bad martial arts moves learned from rice cooker instructions. Somehow, his opponent gives up, admitting he killed Mortimer because he was in line for the custodian day job and he needed the job desperately.
As the cops lead the custodian away, Mr. Moore is ready to call it a day, not remembering he still has students in the classroom. This is one angle that will make the movie series a success: Moore keeps getting fired at the end of every movie and get into a new profession in the next entry, but is satisfied he got his man (or woman if certain groups protest too much).
Friday, July 14, 2017
Summer 2017 Road Trip Conclusion...er part 7
It had been quite the trip, in fact it was a dream trip to me. I had seen many fine points of the American West, and quite frankly I would have loved another week and a thousand bucks more to afford it, as we had not seen everything .Yellowstone and the Tetons would have been a terrific finale to this adventure. However, there comes a time when you want to be in familiar surroundings, LIKE YOUR OWN BED! Also, the Mustang was due back Saturday, so Thursday was a good day to head back with plenty of time cushion "just in case".
On Thursday morning, Natalie and I woke up and had a little breakfast in the Econolodge office. Good thing the desk clerk had no idea we weren't even guests there! Haha just kidding, that free continental assortment would serve a freeloader right! It's a violation of the Geneva Convention to foist it upon paying customers like us. After a while, we got packed, turned in the key, gassed up, and got onto I 80 west toward Salt Lake City.
Interstate 80 has some meaning for me. It was the majority of the Ohio Turnpike when we traveled from Pennsylvania to Michigan and back for so many years. When I lived in northern California, my buddy Scott and I took it going to his parents' house in Fairfield and also occasional excursions to Reno. One could almost call it transcontinental as it heads from San Francisco to New Jersey, but it doesn't end near the coast, but just short of New York City. Close but no cigar. It lightly touches upon Sacramento and the Chicago area and goes through Des Moines and Omaha. but 80 is mostly rural with several small towns scattered here and there. 80 in Wyoming is a bunch of nothing, albeit pretty nothing.
Heading down the pike, we kept seeing signs for a place called Little America. In fact there werre so many signs we thought it might be a megacomplex. It didn't matter to us, we were hungry so we decided to stop and have a bite, thinking there'd be a sitdown place. For all that billboard hoopla, Little America was a disappointment. It was merely a huge Sinclair gas stop for cars and trucks alone with a large convenience store with a snack bar. We grabbed some small road eats and headed out.
Down a little further, we saw an exit with a "Business loop 80" designation. Now, when one sees that, one expects at least some fast food goodness, but all we got was a 15-mile stretch with 3 small burgs: Lyman, Urie, and Fort Bridger. Oh we saw life, but not the life with sit-down service. Coming back to the interstate, we settled on some Taco Bell, which satisfies me never.
Back to the road, we eventually passed through Evanston and then crossed into Utah. It was already the afternoon and we were still almost 500 miles from home. After 50 miles of more curves and peaks, well I hate to say it, but my mind was on home, not exploring. Sure, I'd never been in these parts before, but Taco Bell was running thin! We got onto U.S. 40 east. This was actually the western end of 40, the eastern end is in Atlantic City, New Jersey. After about 20 miles, we entered Heber City and got onto U.S. 189 toward Provo.
At least this road was interesting! It wound through several canyons within the Wasatch Mountains, passing along a beautiful deep blue lake. After all that beauty, we entered Orem. The signs told us to get to I 15 via Orem, but I later found out that I could have kept on 189 and still ended up at 15 in Provo. Ah, the exhaustion of the road was getting to me!
Upon getting onto 15, we were in familiar territory. There were about 30 miles of small towns in Utah County in a row, which make it feel like one large spread-out town. After Santaquin, 15 entered rural Utah. I like this area because it goes fast via an 80 mile per hour speed limit, and the 3 hours to the Arizona line go by quickly. In the 55 mph days, this would have been a 4-5 hour affair!
We stopped at an old haunt called Lisa's in Nephi. At last we could have a real meal and I was not stingy on cost, we deserved this! After the meal and a gas touch-up, we got back on the road. After Scipio and Fillmore, we eventually passed the exit for I 70. I could not help but feel a bit sad as we passed this exit. There was a small temptation to get back on just to relive the sense of adventure from the previous Friday when we'd taken 70 to Richfield to camp for the night. It was just another indication that our adventure was coming to a close.
A stop in Beaver gave a thirst for ice cream...well at least Dairy Queen ice cream. It's not the same, but it was what we had to work with. A hot coffee was also in order as I was feeling the drain from hours of driving. Before long, we went once again through gorgeous Cedar City and then downhill to St. George. It really is a temperature difference of about 20 degrees between the two towns. Cedar City is cooler uphill and St George is more like Las Vegas. Into Arizona and the Virgin River Gorge we drove and then it was back in Nevada soon after. We stopped at the first Mesquite exit for a McNugget touch-up, then headed home.
This was an adventure I could relive, with a couple of changes, like not losing or damaging my wife's things, and getting a more worthy car for such a trek. It was certainly the highlight of my summer.
I know that words do not give a complete view of what I saw and did in that week, but rather a few snapshots. I encourage everyone who can to take a year off of air travel and see America from the ground. It really is worth the time to see something you have always wanted to see. For me it was The Bear Lodge (Devil's Tower for the uneducated). For others it could be the Grand Canyon, Yellowstone, Yosemite, the ocean, hell even a Disney compound. But make the time to have an adventure where your luggage won't get lost, where you can find local eateries, where you can see the great land of ours. It's worth it, believe me!
On Thursday morning, Natalie and I woke up and had a little breakfast in the Econolodge office. Good thing the desk clerk had no idea we weren't even guests there! Haha just kidding, that free continental assortment would serve a freeloader right! It's a violation of the Geneva Convention to foist it upon paying customers like us. After a while, we got packed, turned in the key, gassed up, and got onto I 80 west toward Salt Lake City.
Interstate 80 has some meaning for me. It was the majority of the Ohio Turnpike when we traveled from Pennsylvania to Michigan and back for so many years. When I lived in northern California, my buddy Scott and I took it going to his parents' house in Fairfield and also occasional excursions to Reno. One could almost call it transcontinental as it heads from San Francisco to New Jersey, but it doesn't end near the coast, but just short of New York City. Close but no cigar. It lightly touches upon Sacramento and the Chicago area and goes through Des Moines and Omaha. but 80 is mostly rural with several small towns scattered here and there. 80 in Wyoming is a bunch of nothing, albeit pretty nothing.
Heading down the pike, we kept seeing signs for a place called Little America. In fact there werre so many signs we thought it might be a megacomplex. It didn't matter to us, we were hungry so we decided to stop and have a bite, thinking there'd be a sitdown place. For all that billboard hoopla, Little America was a disappointment. It was merely a huge Sinclair gas stop for cars and trucks alone with a large convenience store with a snack bar. We grabbed some small road eats and headed out.
Down a little further, we saw an exit with a "Business loop 80" designation. Now, when one sees that, one expects at least some fast food goodness, but all we got was a 15-mile stretch with 3 small burgs: Lyman, Urie, and Fort Bridger. Oh we saw life, but not the life with sit-down service. Coming back to the interstate, we settled on some Taco Bell, which satisfies me never.
Back to the road, we eventually passed through Evanston and then crossed into Utah. It was already the afternoon and we were still almost 500 miles from home. After 50 miles of more curves and peaks, well I hate to say it, but my mind was on home, not exploring. Sure, I'd never been in these parts before, but Taco Bell was running thin! We got onto U.S. 40 east. This was actually the western end of 40, the eastern end is in Atlantic City, New Jersey. After about 20 miles, we entered Heber City and got onto U.S. 189 toward Provo.
At least this road was interesting! It wound through several canyons within the Wasatch Mountains, passing along a beautiful deep blue lake. After all that beauty, we entered Orem. The signs told us to get to I 15 via Orem, but I later found out that I could have kept on 189 and still ended up at 15 in Provo. Ah, the exhaustion of the road was getting to me!
Upon getting onto 15, we were in familiar territory. There were about 30 miles of small towns in Utah County in a row, which make it feel like one large spread-out town. After Santaquin, 15 entered rural Utah. I like this area because it goes fast via an 80 mile per hour speed limit, and the 3 hours to the Arizona line go by quickly. In the 55 mph days, this would have been a 4-5 hour affair!
We stopped at an old haunt called Lisa's in Nephi. At last we could have a real meal and I was not stingy on cost, we deserved this! After the meal and a gas touch-up, we got back on the road. After Scipio and Fillmore, we eventually passed the exit for I 70. I could not help but feel a bit sad as we passed this exit. There was a small temptation to get back on just to relive the sense of adventure from the previous Friday when we'd taken 70 to Richfield to camp for the night. It was just another indication that our adventure was coming to a close.
A stop in Beaver gave a thirst for ice cream...well at least Dairy Queen ice cream. It's not the same, but it was what we had to work with. A hot coffee was also in order as I was feeling the drain from hours of driving. Before long, we went once again through gorgeous Cedar City and then downhill to St. George. It really is a temperature difference of about 20 degrees between the two towns. Cedar City is cooler uphill and St George is more like Las Vegas. Into Arizona and the Virgin River Gorge we drove and then it was back in Nevada soon after. We stopped at the first Mesquite exit for a McNugget touch-up, then headed home.
This was an adventure I could relive, with a couple of changes, like not losing or damaging my wife's things, and getting a more worthy car for such a trek. It was certainly the highlight of my summer.
I know that words do not give a complete view of what I saw and did in that week, but rather a few snapshots. I encourage everyone who can to take a year off of air travel and see America from the ground. It really is worth the time to see something you have always wanted to see. For me it was The Bear Lodge (Devil's Tower for the uneducated). For others it could be the Grand Canyon, Yellowstone, Yosemite, the ocean, hell even a Disney compound. But make the time to have an adventure where your luggage won't get lost, where you can find local eateries, where you can see the great land of ours. It's worth it, believe me!
Wednesday, July 12, 2017
Summer 2017 Road Trip Part 6: Wyoming is Heaven
I love Wyoming!
With solid determination for a great day, we woke up in our Spearfish motel at a decent time Wednesday morning. The original plan was to first go east a few miles so that Vickie could visit her grandfather's grave near Sturgis, then head west to Wyoming. It didn't happen that way. Vickie decided to forgo the cemetery visit as she didn't see a point to it anymore. I wasn't going to push her and it was her decision.
So, we just went right into Wyoming after 14 miles. Wyoming still retained its beautiful hills and a healthy blend of greenery and golden land. After 22 miles, we entered Sundance. We got gas then got a tip on a good place to eat breakfast, right in downtown Sundance! It's a typical Wyoming town in terms of population and coziness. Our tip was a small but nice breakfast and lunch place called Higbee's. It was the kind of place where the locals gather to just drink coffee and shoot the breeze. I could see us going there once a week for breakfast if we lived there.
Back on the road, we got off the freeway for a while so we could see what we used to call Devil's Tower. After a little road work delay and some nice road curves, we caught sight of it. I almost had tears in my eyes as I gazed upon the real thing for the first time in my life. I was actually going to be near it! After 10 more miles we were finally there. Waiting in line to pay admission was not irritating for a change, I could still see it.
The Bear Lodge, as the Tower should be named, is hypnotic. Spielberg chose the place wisely because it truly does draw people to it. There is a spiritual Earth energy there when you gaze upon it, climb to it, walk among the trees surrounding it. It is an experience that is hard to describe in words, and it was tough leaving, for we had many miles to travel. However, Natalie and I climbed toward it on a path for a few hundred feet, all uphill. We also examined the gift shop and got a trinket or two, and then listened to a park ranger tell us a legend about how the Bear Lodge got to look the way it does.
I regretted not being able to camp there for one night, for I could imagine the plethora of stars above us. Well, I could imagine it on a CLEAR night, but northeastern Wyoming was a sporadically rainy day Wednesday.
After an ice cream at the park exit, we headed back to U.S. 14 and meandered to Moorcroft. "Close Encounters" made it seem like Moorcroft was closer to the Tower, but Sundance actually is closer. At Moorcroft we took a stretch break and headed back onto I 90. Down the road was Gillette, where we stopped for some nuggets. We thought there was a Sonic in town but no dice. Back on 90, we proceeded to Buffalo where we exited back on to old Black Hills friend U.S. 16.
On an historical note, U.S. 16 used to extend all the way to Wisconsin and then, via ferry, it continued in Michigan and ended in downtown Detroit. My parents remember it as the main road Grand River Avenue going between the Detroit area and Lansing.
We took 16 into the Bighorn Mountains, winding around for several miles through beautiful country. We passed through a few small towns like Ten Sleep and Worland, taking on U.S. 26 for a bit then picking up U.S. 20 into Thermopolis. Thermopolis is a town containing hot springs. If we had thought about it, we would have stayed there overnight, but not for the springs.
There is a canyon that had been experiencing rock, or rather BOULDER slides just south of Thermopolis. There was a 3 hour period when the road was closed in that area and we came just at the wrong time. So, we hung at a Taco John's for 2 1/2 hours.
Just before 10, we got back on the road, experiencing no problems. We were even treated to a tunnel or two. We passed through Shoshoni and Riverton and then a lot of nothingness besides a grand orange moon setting in front of us. At 1:30, we pulled into Rock Springs and quickly got into our motel for much needed rest. The next day we'd arrive home.
Did I mention I love Wyoming?
With solid determination for a great day, we woke up in our Spearfish motel at a decent time Wednesday morning. The original plan was to first go east a few miles so that Vickie could visit her grandfather's grave near Sturgis, then head west to Wyoming. It didn't happen that way. Vickie decided to forgo the cemetery visit as she didn't see a point to it anymore. I wasn't going to push her and it was her decision.
So, we just went right into Wyoming after 14 miles. Wyoming still retained its beautiful hills and a healthy blend of greenery and golden land. After 22 miles, we entered Sundance. We got gas then got a tip on a good place to eat breakfast, right in downtown Sundance! It's a typical Wyoming town in terms of population and coziness. Our tip was a small but nice breakfast and lunch place called Higbee's. It was the kind of place where the locals gather to just drink coffee and shoot the breeze. I could see us going there once a week for breakfast if we lived there.
Back on the road, we got off the freeway for a while so we could see what we used to call Devil's Tower. After a little road work delay and some nice road curves, we caught sight of it. I almost had tears in my eyes as I gazed upon the real thing for the first time in my life. I was actually going to be near it! After 10 more miles we were finally there. Waiting in line to pay admission was not irritating for a change, I could still see it.
The Bear Lodge, as the Tower should be named, is hypnotic. Spielberg chose the place wisely because it truly does draw people to it. There is a spiritual Earth energy there when you gaze upon it, climb to it, walk among the trees surrounding it. It is an experience that is hard to describe in words, and it was tough leaving, for we had many miles to travel. However, Natalie and I climbed toward it on a path for a few hundred feet, all uphill. We also examined the gift shop and got a trinket or two, and then listened to a park ranger tell us a legend about how the Bear Lodge got to look the way it does.
I regretted not being able to camp there for one night, for I could imagine the plethora of stars above us. Well, I could imagine it on a CLEAR night, but northeastern Wyoming was a sporadically rainy day Wednesday.
On an historical note, U.S. 16 used to extend all the way to Wisconsin and then, via ferry, it continued in Michigan and ended in downtown Detroit. My parents remember it as the main road Grand River Avenue going between the Detroit area and Lansing.
We took 16 into the Bighorn Mountains, winding around for several miles through beautiful country. We passed through a few small towns like Ten Sleep and Worland, taking on U.S. 26 for a bit then picking up U.S. 20 into Thermopolis. Thermopolis is a town containing hot springs. If we had thought about it, we would have stayed there overnight, but not for the springs.
There is a canyon that had been experiencing rock, or rather BOULDER slides just south of Thermopolis. There was a 3 hour period when the road was closed in that area and we came just at the wrong time. So, we hung at a Taco John's for 2 1/2 hours.
Just before 10, we got back on the road, experiencing no problems. We were even treated to a tunnel or two. We passed through Shoshoni and Riverton and then a lot of nothingness besides a grand orange moon setting in front of us. At 1:30, we pulled into Rock Springs and quickly got into our motel for much needed rest. The next day we'd arrive home.
Did I mention I love Wyoming?
Monday, July 10, 2017
Summer 2017 Road Trip part 5: Black Hills Boogie
Happy 80th blog post to me! Okay, moving on!
Waking up in a tent for the 2nd time on the trip proved to be less painful this time around. For one thing, the air mattress was blown to full capacity and sealed right, giving much better cushion. Also, I had not partaken in major caffeine beforehand. I still woke up at 6:30, but better rested. It was a beautiful morning in Spearfish, South Dakota.
After getting our gear stowed away, we decided to eat breakfast right away. Our dinner of Taco Bell was not sufficient the previous night. Down the road was Perkin's,a Coco's-like eatery, which pretty much means snobby Denny's. While eating, I texted Vickie's Uncle Dan and Aunt Kim, who had recently moved from the Vegas area to Spearfish. They joined us for a little bit later. Their kids also live in Spearfish. Interesting migration patterns! Foreshadowing for us?
After breakfast, we high-tailed the 40 miles on I-90 to Rapid City so that we could meet up with Vickie's Aunt Leanna. She gave us a package with some of Vickie's grandfather's things to give to Vickie's mom, then slipped Natalie a $20 bill for souvenirs. It was a quick visit in a parking lot, but she had to get to a golf game.
From Rapid City, we headed east on U.S. 16 toward Keystone and Mount Rushmore. This uphill drive has a little something for everyone. There are shops, an in-car trail called Bear Country, which has much more than just bears! There is also Reptile Gardens, a magnificent place to walk around and see all sorts of animals, and they are not just reptiles.
Also in this area is an establishment known as the cowboy supper. We've done this Nazi torture twice. First, you get a so-so meal of dry beef or dry chicken, a roll, apple sauce, and some sort of veggie and lemonade. After the "banquet", you sit and watch a corny live version of Hee Haw. For this you pay $30 per head. We vowed not to do this on the trip for strictly budgetary and mental health reasons.
A few miles down, 16 splits into 16 and 16a. We took 16a into the town of Keystone, which is a frontier version of Estes Park, with shops and eateries all around. Pretty fun, really. There is also an area where you can zip-line, go down an Alpine slide, and head up an aerial tram to a viewpoint to see Rushmore. I had assumed the tram was like a small train car cube entirely enclosed. Au contraire, you stand still while the car comes at you from behind. You have to sit quickly and pull a safety bar down and let your legs hang. Natalie was not all that fond of the ride. Once it starts, though, it is actually pretty fun.
At the top, we took a few shots of Mount Rushmore, though one of the faces was hard to see. Most people think that the faces are huge, while they are fairly small. It is a place I recommend to all citizens, though. After photos, we grabbed a snack at the snack stand. I opted for a hot dug, not realizing it was a big fat beef dog. For those who do not know, I suffer form occasional gout bouts, and beef dogs are a major trigger.
Afterward, we headed down. It was the same ritual getting on the car, except that my wallet fell out! Luckily, one of the employees grabbed it and headed down the Alpine slide. She got to the bottom before we did. Whew! We looked in a few shops, got our baubles (including a nice Sean Connery fake ID for me to screw with people) and Natalie got a tee shirt from another shop.
From Keystone, I decided to take a scenic route and continue on 16a. This proved to be a bad idea, as the road has lots of hairpin turns and elevation changes for over 30 miles. Also, we were stuck behind many slower vehicles from further east. We were relieved to return to 16 in Custer.
Heading back to Rapid City, we stopped at a Christmas decorations store where Vickie showed remarkable restraint spending-wise. After that, we headed back into Rapid and then back on 90 west. We stopped in Sturgis to visit with her Uncle Pat and his girlfriend at her house for a few minutes, then continued back to Spearfish.
Once there, we went to the Dairy Queen where cousin Lizzie works. She was happy to see us and she and Natalie have been close buds since Natalie was very little. Afterward, we found a motel room as it was getting too stormy for camping. Dinner was Applebee's. A little pricy, but we needed something familiar. Afterward, we returned to the motel room and retired for the night.
I love western South Dakota. It is rich with history, though much of the history is not pretty. The scenery is downright gorgeous! Up next, Devil's Tower!
Waking up in a tent for the 2nd time on the trip proved to be less painful this time around. For one thing, the air mattress was blown to full capacity and sealed right, giving much better cushion. Also, I had not partaken in major caffeine beforehand. I still woke up at 6:30, but better rested. It was a beautiful morning in Spearfish, South Dakota.
After getting our gear stowed away, we decided to eat breakfast right away. Our dinner of Taco Bell was not sufficient the previous night. Down the road was Perkin's,a Coco's-like eatery, which pretty much means snobby Denny's. While eating, I texted Vickie's Uncle Dan and Aunt Kim, who had recently moved from the Vegas area to Spearfish. They joined us for a little bit later. Their kids also live in Spearfish. Interesting migration patterns! Foreshadowing for us?
After breakfast, we high-tailed the 40 miles on I-90 to Rapid City so that we could meet up with Vickie's Aunt Leanna. She gave us a package with some of Vickie's grandfather's things to give to Vickie's mom, then slipped Natalie a $20 bill for souvenirs. It was a quick visit in a parking lot, but she had to get to a golf game.
From Rapid City, we headed east on U.S. 16 toward Keystone and Mount Rushmore. This uphill drive has a little something for everyone. There are shops, an in-car trail called Bear Country, which has much more than just bears! There is also Reptile Gardens, a magnificent place to walk around and see all sorts of animals, and they are not just reptiles.
Also in this area is an establishment known as the cowboy supper. We've done this Nazi torture twice. First, you get a so-so meal of dry beef or dry chicken, a roll, apple sauce, and some sort of veggie and lemonade. After the "banquet", you sit and watch a corny live version of Hee Haw. For this you pay $30 per head. We vowed not to do this on the trip for strictly budgetary and mental health reasons.
A few miles down, 16 splits into 16 and 16a. We took 16a into the town of Keystone, which is a frontier version of Estes Park, with shops and eateries all around. Pretty fun, really. There is also an area where you can zip-line, go down an Alpine slide, and head up an aerial tram to a viewpoint to see Rushmore. I had assumed the tram was like a small train car cube entirely enclosed. Au contraire, you stand still while the car comes at you from behind. You have to sit quickly and pull a safety bar down and let your legs hang. Natalie was not all that fond of the ride. Once it starts, though, it is actually pretty fun.
At the top, we took a few shots of Mount Rushmore, though one of the faces was hard to see. Most people think that the faces are huge, while they are fairly small. It is a place I recommend to all citizens, though. After photos, we grabbed a snack at the snack stand. I opted for a hot dug, not realizing it was a big fat beef dog. For those who do not know, I suffer form occasional gout bouts, and beef dogs are a major trigger.
Afterward, we headed down. It was the same ritual getting on the car, except that my wallet fell out! Luckily, one of the employees grabbed it and headed down the Alpine slide. She got to the bottom before we did. Whew! We looked in a few shops, got our baubles (including a nice Sean Connery fake ID for me to screw with people) and Natalie got a tee shirt from another shop.
From Keystone, I decided to take a scenic route and continue on 16a. This proved to be a bad idea, as the road has lots of hairpin turns and elevation changes for over 30 miles. Also, we were stuck behind many slower vehicles from further east. We were relieved to return to 16 in Custer.
Heading back to Rapid City, we stopped at a Christmas decorations store where Vickie showed remarkable restraint spending-wise. After that, we headed back into Rapid and then back on 90 west. We stopped in Sturgis to visit with her Uncle Pat and his girlfriend at her house for a few minutes, then continued back to Spearfish.
Once there, we went to the Dairy Queen where cousin Lizzie works. She was happy to see us and she and Natalie have been close buds since Natalie was very little. Afterward, we found a motel room as it was getting too stormy for camping. Dinner was Applebee's. A little pricy, but we needed something familiar. Afterward, we returned to the motel room and retired for the night.
I love western South Dakota. It is rich with history, though much of the history is not pretty. The scenery is downright gorgeous! Up next, Devil's Tower!
Thursday, July 6, 2017
Summer 2017 Road Trip Part 4: This Bud's for You!
It felt great to wake up once again in Colorado! The sun was out, the air felt great, and the pillow business was for the moment forgotten. In fact the only thing that bugged me that morning was eating breakfast at IHOP!
Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with IHOP apart from overpriced meals. It was just that after 2 mornings of eating at locally unique establishments, IHOP is a letdown. Oh well, it was time to grab some gas (not IHOP-sourced!) and head to I-25.
In fact, the next exit gave us access to the Budweiser brewery. We parked in the lot, went inside, and learned with great joy that tours are free! While waiting for our 1pm tour to start, we looked around the gift shop and found quite a few neat things. I did end up getting some dry rub and a cold drink, and Natalie got a trinket or 2 as well. Soon our tour began. The first stop was the stables that hold the Clydesdales when they're in town...smelled like it, too!
After that we went into the main brewhouse and learned all about the process of making beer from start to finish. If you want to know, go to a brewery yourself, there's only so much detail this 44-year old brain can hold. I can say, though, that the process is quite meticulous and is very dependent on a particular crop strain remaining intact. The tasting part was fun. I had a sample of Shock Top, a thick citrusy brew for sure.
Leaving the brewery soon after, we hopped back on to I 25 and soon entered Wyoming. We were hungry, so we began looking for a place to eat in Cheyenne. Working on a local tip, we found the Down Home Diner. Once again we were dealing with local establishments. After a hearty lunch, we returned to 25 for several miles, then began a series of turns and long stretches on local highways.
This is when I fell in love with Wyoming. There is an openness to that state, particularly in the eastern part. Gentle turns, rolling hills, and just beautiful countryside made it onto my list of favorite states. It made me realize how much I miss the blend of green and golden earth, I've been around brown too long now.
At one point, we stopped at the Lusk rest area. We learned something interesting there, that President LBJ and his wife enacted the construction of highway rest areas around the nation. Highways had apparently been overrun with billboards and needed beautification. The Lusk one was the first to be built in Wyoming. We let Natalie play in the playground area for a few minutes. We needed a rest and she needed to move around. It was 6pm and we had many miles to go.
Returning to the highway, the beauty of Wyoming continued.At one point, I made a decision to take a shorter route to Spearfish. It was a mistake! We could have been in Spearfish by 9:30 at the latest. Instead, we entered South Dakota on U.S. 85 on a VERY windy road. Not only was it windy and dark, but it was also populated with deer on the road. I had to hit the brakes many times to avoid a disaster. Later, we took U.S. 14a to Spearfish, encountering the same hazards.
At long last, around 10:30, we got into Spearfish. As it was later on a Monday night, we settled for Taco Bell dinnerwise. Afterward, we found our KOA campground and had a slightly easier time than previous setting up the tent. We also had an easier time blowing up the air mattress. Our sleep came much easier that night!
I will say it again, I LOVE Wyoming! However, the best was yet to come!
Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with IHOP apart from overpriced meals. It was just that after 2 mornings of eating at locally unique establishments, IHOP is a letdown. Oh well, it was time to grab some gas (not IHOP-sourced!) and head to I-25.
In fact, the next exit gave us access to the Budweiser brewery. We parked in the lot, went inside, and learned with great joy that tours are free! While waiting for our 1pm tour to start, we looked around the gift shop and found quite a few neat things. I did end up getting some dry rub and a cold drink, and Natalie got a trinket or 2 as well. Soon our tour began. The first stop was the stables that hold the Clydesdales when they're in town...smelled like it, too!
After that we went into the main brewhouse and learned all about the process of making beer from start to finish. If you want to know, go to a brewery yourself, there's only so much detail this 44-year old brain can hold. I can say, though, that the process is quite meticulous and is very dependent on a particular crop strain remaining intact. The tasting part was fun. I had a sample of Shock Top, a thick citrusy brew for sure.
Leaving the brewery soon after, we hopped back on to I 25 and soon entered Wyoming. We were hungry, so we began looking for a place to eat in Cheyenne. Working on a local tip, we found the Down Home Diner. Once again we were dealing with local establishments. After a hearty lunch, we returned to 25 for several miles, then began a series of turns and long stretches on local highways.
This is when I fell in love with Wyoming. There is an openness to that state, particularly in the eastern part. Gentle turns, rolling hills, and just beautiful countryside made it onto my list of favorite states. It made me realize how much I miss the blend of green and golden earth, I've been around brown too long now.
At one point, we stopped at the Lusk rest area. We learned something interesting there, that President LBJ and his wife enacted the construction of highway rest areas around the nation. Highways had apparently been overrun with billboards and needed beautification. The Lusk one was the first to be built in Wyoming. We let Natalie play in the playground area for a few minutes. We needed a rest and she needed to move around. It was 6pm and we had many miles to go.
Returning to the highway, the beauty of Wyoming continued.At one point, I made a decision to take a shorter route to Spearfish. It was a mistake! We could have been in Spearfish by 9:30 at the latest. Instead, we entered South Dakota on U.S. 85 on a VERY windy road. Not only was it windy and dark, but it was also populated with deer on the road. I had to hit the brakes many times to avoid a disaster. Later, we took U.S. 14a to Spearfish, encountering the same hazards.
At long last, around 10:30, we got into Spearfish. As it was later on a Monday night, we settled for Taco Bell dinnerwise. Afterward, we found our KOA campground and had a slightly easier time than previous setting up the tent. We also had an easier time blowing up the air mattress. Our sleep came much easier that night!
I will say it again, I LOVE Wyoming! However, the best was yet to come!
Tuesday, July 4, 2017
Summer 2017 Road Trip part 3: Rocky Mountain Highs and Lows
I have to admit that waking up in a motel room had provided me with a better rest than the previous night in the tent. Granted it was the first time since my Boy Scout days I had camped like that, but we needed a real rest. I got up and dressed, then headed to the office with Natalie to see what was for eats. As it was the first time I'd seen Parachute in the daytime, I was pleased to see it was in a beautiful setting. The morning had a mildly crisp coolness to it. In the office we found cereal and bagels and coffee and juice, great stuff to get started. Afterward, we packed up and headed out. Little did I know that something had gotten left behind.
A few miles down I 70, we came across a sign for the New Castle Diner, which had a 50s theme to it. Well, the Moore family is all about those! There's something about eating with oldies playing in the background that makes for a pleasant experience, and by golly this sure was! This was a morning for a Denver omelet, home fries, and English muffin for me. Inside the men's room was a large cardboard cutout of the Lone Ranger and Tonto. We have to return some day!
After filling up the car at $2.39/gallon and refilling the cooler with ice, we proceeded down I 70 and soon went through Glenwood Springs, an exquisite town situated in a narrow canyon. Vickie and I had once had dinner there on a previous trip. After the town had passed, we entered Glenwood Canyon, a 20-mile long stretch with the Colorado River rushing beside us. There were tight curves, several tunnels, and just everything a road enthusiast dreams of! Needless to say, this was a highlight of the day!
After the canyon, 70 goes through a long valley of small towns and then enters the resort area of the valley. We stopped in Vail for a bathroom and drink stop, then proceeded to climb to the highest point on the Interstate system!
Wait! Not so fast there, boy! Traffic began to slow and then eventually stopped. I'd read that 70 east backs up regularly on Sundays as people living around Denver often head to the mountains for biking, camping, fishing, whatever. Sunday is the day many head back, so slowdowns are expected. After some online searching, we discovered that there was a crash in the Eisenhower Tunnel! After roughly an hour during which I got out of the car to stretch my legs, traffic began to move. After a few minutes, we went through the massive tunnel. I've always been a tunnel person, so this day was a diamond ring to me, despite the delay!
Coming out of the tunnel, we needed a bathroom break and some food. We got off in Georgetown and entered Cooper's on the Creek. Natalie had some mac n cheese, Vickie had chicken skewers with a really good sweet chili sauce, and I had elk tartare. All were quite good and a needed respite from the road. Turns out, we needed it for what was to come!
My plan was to get off in Central City, find highway 119, then proceed toward Estes Park. Life is never that simple. Central City is not well marked with highway signs, and we ended up on a local road which turned into a dirt road all the while promising it would lead to 119. Ten miles later, it did. 119 wound around small peaks and foothills for several miles, then turned east toward Boulder. 72 picked up from there, and then finally route 7 took us on a very curvy, steep adventure until we finally reached Estes Park, a beautiful town just to the east of Rocky Mountain National Park.
Estes Park is a fun town to park in and just walk up and down the main thoroughfare. We got some chocolate from one shop, and world famous taffy from the Estes Park Taffy Shop. We also ate pizza at Bob and Tony's. The pizza was very good with a thick layer of cheese. After some more light shop-scouting for Natalie to spend money, we headed down U.S. 34. 34 is a pleasantly curvy road with the smell of fireplaces burning wood all the way down the road even in June. I had to roll down the window and take it all in.
34 took us into Loveland, a really sweet little town in a long string of Front Range cities. Vickie lived there for a while so she commented on what had stayed and what had changed. We turned on to U.S. 287 and headed north 10 miles to Fort Collins where we found our Budget Host Inn. A little pricey but hey, it's Colorado! It was there that we discovered that, to our horror, that I'd accidentally left Vickie's pillow in Parachute and took one of theirs! Yep, it was doghouse time for the husband! I am amazed it did not happen earlier because, well, I'm good at being a bumbling hubby at times. I had a dream that night that Vickie forced us at gunpoint to return to Parachute to get the pillow! That's what a pizza dinner does for my dreams.
In the end, it was a good day. The traffic jam, endless twisty roads to Estes Park, and the pillow loss were unfortunate incidents, but everything else made up for it! Colorado has always been a source of fun for us and I want to come back.
A few miles down I 70, we came across a sign for the New Castle Diner, which had a 50s theme to it. Well, the Moore family is all about those! There's something about eating with oldies playing in the background that makes for a pleasant experience, and by golly this sure was! This was a morning for a Denver omelet, home fries, and English muffin for me. Inside the men's room was a large cardboard cutout of the Lone Ranger and Tonto. We have to return some day!
After filling up the car at $2.39/gallon and refilling the cooler with ice, we proceeded down I 70 and soon went through Glenwood Springs, an exquisite town situated in a narrow canyon. Vickie and I had once had dinner there on a previous trip. After the town had passed, we entered Glenwood Canyon, a 20-mile long stretch with the Colorado River rushing beside us. There were tight curves, several tunnels, and just everything a road enthusiast dreams of! Needless to say, this was a highlight of the day!
After the canyon, 70 goes through a long valley of small towns and then enters the resort area of the valley. We stopped in Vail for a bathroom and drink stop, then proceeded to climb to the highest point on the Interstate system!
Wait! Not so fast there, boy! Traffic began to slow and then eventually stopped. I'd read that 70 east backs up regularly on Sundays as people living around Denver often head to the mountains for biking, camping, fishing, whatever. Sunday is the day many head back, so slowdowns are expected. After some online searching, we discovered that there was a crash in the Eisenhower Tunnel! After roughly an hour during which I got out of the car to stretch my legs, traffic began to move. After a few minutes, we went through the massive tunnel. I've always been a tunnel person, so this day was a diamond ring to me, despite the delay!
Coming out of the tunnel, we needed a bathroom break and some food. We got off in Georgetown and entered Cooper's on the Creek. Natalie had some mac n cheese, Vickie had chicken skewers with a really good sweet chili sauce, and I had elk tartare. All were quite good and a needed respite from the road. Turns out, we needed it for what was to come!
My plan was to get off in Central City, find highway 119, then proceed toward Estes Park. Life is never that simple. Central City is not well marked with highway signs, and we ended up on a local road which turned into a dirt road all the while promising it would lead to 119. Ten miles later, it did. 119 wound around small peaks and foothills for several miles, then turned east toward Boulder. 72 picked up from there, and then finally route 7 took us on a very curvy, steep adventure until we finally reached Estes Park, a beautiful town just to the east of Rocky Mountain National Park.
Estes Park is a fun town to park in and just walk up and down the main thoroughfare. We got some chocolate from one shop, and world famous taffy from the Estes Park Taffy Shop. We also ate pizza at Bob and Tony's. The pizza was very good with a thick layer of cheese. After some more light shop-scouting for Natalie to spend money, we headed down U.S. 34. 34 is a pleasantly curvy road with the smell of fireplaces burning wood all the way down the road even in June. I had to roll down the window and take it all in.
34 took us into Loveland, a really sweet little town in a long string of Front Range cities. Vickie lived there for a while so she commented on what had stayed and what had changed. We turned on to U.S. 287 and headed north 10 miles to Fort Collins where we found our Budget Host Inn. A little pricey but hey, it's Colorado! It was there that we discovered that, to our horror, that I'd accidentally left Vickie's pillow in Parachute and took one of theirs! Yep, it was doghouse time for the husband! I am amazed it did not happen earlier because, well, I'm good at being a bumbling hubby at times. I had a dream that night that Vickie forced us at gunpoint to return to Parachute to get the pillow! That's what a pizza dinner does for my dreams.
In the end, it was a good day. The traffic jam, endless twisty roads to Estes Park, and the pillow loss were unfortunate incidents, but everything else made up for it! Colorado has always been a source of fun for us and I want to come back.
Sunday, July 2, 2017
Summer 2017 Road Trip part 2: Golden Arches
Nothing like an early morning after a nearly sleepless night to start one's day! Our first night of camping was not exactly a success, and not precisely a disaster, either. We'd proven ourselves to be a great team in putting up the tent and setting our makeshift sleeping surface up. The one big problem was our air mattress, which had not been fully sealed up. Therefore, we'd struggled to sleep on a pretty flat surface. I'd woken up several times during the night and finally gave up on sleep at about 6:30. My philosophy was, if I'm up, everyone's up!
The KOA site was pretty nice. Bathrooms were easily accessible. We were one of the few tenting families while the rest were RV campers. Resigned to our fate of sleep deprivation, we packed up and rolled out by 7:15. Down the road, we stopped at a diner for breakfast and gassed up. The nice thing about fueling a rental car is that you don't give a rat's ass what you put in as long as its the cheapest. $2.39 worked well for me, little knowing it would get cheaper later!
On to I 70 east, we soon came to Salina, the last source of gas and food and lodging for 105 miles. We stopped, but only to get the music synced in the car. We could have easily waited until this town to eat breakfast at Mom's Diner, but the restless night had increased the need for immediate coffee!
After Salina, I 70 is quite curvy and hilly for several miles within the Wasatch Plateau, then opens up into the vast San Rafael Swell. This large area gives spectacular views of sharp rocky cliffs for miles around. It really does feel like a completely different Utah, which makes the state so unique and beautiful. One almost forgets that they've traveled 60 miles already with no motorist services. There are, however, some exits for scenic views and natives hawking rugs and jewelry. Hey, everyone needs to make a living!
Finally coming to Green River, we stopped for a snack and bathroom break, then returned to the freeway and exited onto U.S. 191. 191 is fairly empty for a while, then enters a region full of gorgeous red rock canyons. We had arrived at Arches National Park! In one word, WOW! The vast array of cliffs, rock formations, and natural rock arches and windows made for quite a viewing experience. We stopped at several spots to take pictures and finally stopped to make sandwiches for a quick lunch. The gift shop was our final stop, and we bought a few trinkets, notably a keychain and magnet, Vickie's mementos of most trips we've taken together. Arches is by far, in my opinion, greater than the Grand Canyon! Quite frankly, most national parks I've visited are better than that!
Leaving Arches, we crossed the Colorado River and turned on to Utah route 28. This road followed the river for many miles and would be the first in a running theme of our week-long trip: sharp, curvy roads requiring the utmost driver attention! After about 40 miles, the road opened up into the desert again. Access to I 70 via 28 came up, but due to my Google Earth research, I took a different road which saved backtracking and still ended up on 70!
Twenty miles later, we entered Colorado. I always enjoy this state, as there is so much to see and do no matter where you are. Soon after entering the state, we rolled through the Grand Junction area and stopped for a quick bite and leg stretch at Taco John's, one of Vickie's favorite places to eat. It is a shame we don't have one here because their food is quite good.
We got back on to 70 and exhaustion was hitting me fast due to lack of sleep and heavy concentration on the curvy route 28. Vickie had made reservations in Parachute for a motel. We had tried to find a campsite, but nothing was available spacewise. I was grateful, for a real bed was what I needed. At exit 75, we entered Parachute, checked in to the Parachute Inn, and quickly got comfy. After being sent out for water for the Waterpik, I was asleep in quick order. I never even bothered to check what was in the office crockpot for free dinner.
Despite the lack of sleep, this was a great day and I have the pics to show for it!
The KOA site was pretty nice. Bathrooms were easily accessible. We were one of the few tenting families while the rest were RV campers. Resigned to our fate of sleep deprivation, we packed up and rolled out by 7:15. Down the road, we stopped at a diner for breakfast and gassed up. The nice thing about fueling a rental car is that you don't give a rat's ass what you put in as long as its the cheapest. $2.39 worked well for me, little knowing it would get cheaper later!
On to I 70 east, we soon came to Salina, the last source of gas and food and lodging for 105 miles. We stopped, but only to get the music synced in the car. We could have easily waited until this town to eat breakfast at Mom's Diner, but the restless night had increased the need for immediate coffee!
After Salina, I 70 is quite curvy and hilly for several miles within the Wasatch Plateau, then opens up into the vast San Rafael Swell. This large area gives spectacular views of sharp rocky cliffs for miles around. It really does feel like a completely different Utah, which makes the state so unique and beautiful. One almost forgets that they've traveled 60 miles already with no motorist services. There are, however, some exits for scenic views and natives hawking rugs and jewelry. Hey, everyone needs to make a living!
Finally coming to Green River, we stopped for a snack and bathroom break, then returned to the freeway and exited onto U.S. 191. 191 is fairly empty for a while, then enters a region full of gorgeous red rock canyons. We had arrived at Arches National Park! In one word, WOW! The vast array of cliffs, rock formations, and natural rock arches and windows made for quite a viewing experience. We stopped at several spots to take pictures and finally stopped to make sandwiches for a quick lunch. The gift shop was our final stop, and we bought a few trinkets, notably a keychain and magnet, Vickie's mementos of most trips we've taken together. Arches is by far, in my opinion, greater than the Grand Canyon! Quite frankly, most national parks I've visited are better than that!
Leaving Arches, we crossed the Colorado River and turned on to Utah route 28. This road followed the river for many miles and would be the first in a running theme of our week-long trip: sharp, curvy roads requiring the utmost driver attention! After about 40 miles, the road opened up into the desert again. Access to I 70 via 28 came up, but due to my Google Earth research, I took a different road which saved backtracking and still ended up on 70!
Twenty miles later, we entered Colorado. I always enjoy this state, as there is so much to see and do no matter where you are. Soon after entering the state, we rolled through the Grand Junction area and stopped for a quick bite and leg stretch at Taco John's, one of Vickie's favorite places to eat. It is a shame we don't have one here because their food is quite good.
We got back on to 70 and exhaustion was hitting me fast due to lack of sleep and heavy concentration on the curvy route 28. Vickie had made reservations in Parachute for a motel. We had tried to find a campsite, but nothing was available spacewise. I was grateful, for a real bed was what I needed. At exit 75, we entered Parachute, checked in to the Parachute Inn, and quickly got comfy. After being sent out for water for the Waterpik, I was asleep in quick order. I never even bothered to check what was in the office crockpot for free dinner.
Despite the lack of sleep, this was a great day and I have the pics to show for it!
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