Dads

    Well, today I celebrate my 15th true Father's Day....16 if you include the one just a month and a half before we were introduced to Natalie. Nobody ever really counts that one, but the excitement was there. I couldn't wait to meet her!

   So what has fatherhood been like?

   Hell? Sure!

   Heaven? Absolutely!

   There are times when it has been both simultaneously.

   The bad times were usually a direct result of how I was doing with myself. I'm not one who fakes it well. If I'm doing badly with myself, I'm not projecting a convinving mirage to others, especially my own family.

   I look at some of the best TV dads (or at least the ones who TV Guide rated as the best)...some I agree with, others not.

   The one I wished I could be like was Ward Cleaver. That guy had it all: stories of when he was a boy, sound advice, and a pretty good temperament even when he was pissed off...which was often with Beaver, not so often with Wally.

   Jim Anderson was kind of up there with Ward, but way too well scripted for any real dad...you could almost see Robert Young's desire for a few drinks behind that gentle smile.

   Mike Brady was kind of another too-well-scripted dad, never really lost his cool.

   To me, Al Bundy was more well rounded. So was Howard Cunningham. 

   Cliff Huxtable, despite his faults, was also just a bit too perfect for me. And the later scandals involving Cosby explained that facade nicely...or darkly.

   If you want to go frontier, there's always Charles Ingalls or John Walton. 

   So what makes a good dad? 

   Quite frankly, it's about being there emotionally and physically, plus and letting things come naturally. I think it's important to have both, because if one is lacking, there will be a missing element. 

   On one of my favorite shows The Edge of Night, the Whitney's manservant Gunther Wagner seemed to just naturally know how to get along with Raven Whitney's recently returned boy. When Raven's husband Sky asked what the secret was, Gunther told him it wasn't what you do, it's how you do it.

   I couldn't agree more. I think back to all the times when Natalie was an infant and we played on the floor, or when she was a bit older and we played horsey...or even when she climbed into my lap and fell asleep. Or all the times we rode in the car to school. Most of our car chats were good, some of them were not so good. But the not so good chats led to better ones later. 

   There was a time a couple of years ago when our relationship wasn't as good as it should have been. It wasn't until some sessions on a shrink's couch and me watching Inside Out 2 that I understood that my bad times were really affecting her, so I made damn sure I was going to do better.

   Sometimes I think of all those baby daddies who never get a chance to meet their kids, either by their fault or mom's fault. As a teacher, I can see usually who has had the benefit of having moms and dads on board with their upbringing. It makes the teaching a ton easier.

   Maybe it's nerdy me, or maybe it's just coming into the marriage/family era of life a bit later (my 30s), but I cannot picture making a child and not wanting to be part of its life in a personal one on one way. I kinow there are a ton of guys out there who are merely seed planters, and I wish they'd plant trees or tomatoes, but not their own seed, because in many cases they have helped spawn unbalanced kids...not always, but in many cases.

   I'm proud to be a dad and I will feel that way right up until my last breath.

   I love you, Natalie!