Recently I have been looking at myself and thinking UGH!! No, I am not talking about looks. Well, in a way I am, because I haven't felt really good about my looks in some time. Definitely an image problem, and it definitely comingles with my frequent bouts of depression.
So how do I fix this problem? Well, part of it, a large part of it that is, has to do with my relationship to food. Believe me, it is a damaged and sick relationship, and the food in a way became the narcissist.
I say in a way because the food itself was merely an agent of another narcissist...the food INDUSTRY! I could give hundreds of examples of food ads that told you it was healthier or tasted better or subliminally that the CEO wanted to buy another damn yacht, so buying the Drake Yodels would help with the payment.
A definite up and down history here, so bear with me.
First up, a confession: for more than 4/5 of my life so far, I have been a sugar addict. Even my dad once labeled me as a sugar junkie when I was a kid. He was right. I could go through more than half a box of Tastykake jelly krimpets or a box of Entenman's crumb donuts in one sitting if someone let me alone with it.
There was a balance, though, as I got outside and played with my friends and rode my bike, so it was not as if I was Jabba the Hutt in traning...yet.
Somewhere along the line in high school, I began a vicious cycle in life where I'd build myself up for something, almost always without solid basis, and I set myself up for a crash. This happened with a girl I liked. It wasn't mutual and the resultant crash put me into probably one of the deepest funks I can remember. Within a year of that time, I began consuming more sugar in the form of junk food and soda, and as I wasn't riding as much as I used to, I was starting to gain weight. It went up and down for a bit but when we moved to California, I was weighing about 175...not the best weight for a 5'5 guy.
So what did I do? I went on the Slim Fast diet. I probably did drop a bit just from the change, but I was still consuming sugar in the form of bread.
Why was this? Because the food/medical industry was saying fat was the villain so I dropped that shit big time! Truly, my problems were just starting. For a long time in fact!
Cut forward about 4 or 5 years, right after college graduation, I was at a crossroads and started eating like crap. Lots of chocolate, fast food, anything for that serotonin fix. Even though I tapered off once I started substitute teaching, my weight was at its highest ever in 1998...at that point anyway, in the high 180s. By 2001 I was close to 200. In 2003 I was a bit OVER 200. Small surprise, I was drinking vanilla Coke and Hawaiian Punch Orange Ocean quite regularly. I drank shit and ate shit.
After a few months at the gym, I was down to 175 and felt great as I'd cut out the high sugary content. After a couple of years and tapering off form the gym, the weight crept up again. After meeting a proposing to Vickie, we tried an Atkins style diet...and our wedding photos were not so hot. Soon after we read up on Dr. Oz's advice and got rid of anything with high fructose corn syrup and walked a lot. That took off some weight for sure form the change...but not long term.
A definite pattern here is short term!
A few years later, we both went on Weight Watchers. After a few months we quit because I was losing more (short term again) weight.
For a long time after, I thought I was doing ok, though looking back on past school pictures, I wasn't. I had a definite double, almost triple chin and barely any neck. I didn't look good. Hell, looking back now I looked fairly sick.
Now that I know what I know, which comes later.
In 2019, our school held a biggest loser challenge which, if it had been about the least dates in high school, I would have won hands down! No, it was weight loss. If I didn't know any better, I'd think the whole thing was set up for me. I anted in and, with some advice from a friend, went very low carb! From January 2020 to August 2020, I lost a bit over 40 pounds through diet and lots of walking! My biggest ever, and I was proud of myself. With the recent shaven head and loose fitting Hawaiian shirts, one might have thought I was a cancer patient!
In fact I believe I kept under 200 pounds for another year, but I got lazy and started getting into some bad habits again and this past fall I saw my weight at 216. My double chin was starting to return as well.
As usually I started to stress, which never helps things and pisses off Vickie to no end. And then I started watching some videos by some doctors...not ones on our insurance plan, but ones with really nothing to gain. In fact, I imagine the food and medical industries might have assassins lying in wait to shut them up, because if people in large droves started listening to them, the profits would drop!
By the way, since December I have dropped 10 pounds, so I am on the right track.
What I learned was that I had an underlying evil in me much of the time: seed oils. Sunflower, safflower, and worst of all, vegetable oil, otherwise known as soybean oil...none do the body good. In fact, unless I can help it I will no longer do corn, wheat, or soy, or anything that went under major process.
Process changes the body badly, in the gut, liver, and brain. Hell, even cutting your veggies is a process, but not a bad one.
All bread and starches are essentially sugar. Staying away.
Water, tea, and coffee are my beverages. Diet Dew, no more.
Hell, even limiting my Stevia. Making my own mayonnaise with avocado oil.
If I need a sweetener, I'll use monkfruit until I learn it is dangerous. Nothing yet, though once American know-how gets involved, someone WILL fuck it up. If you have any doubt about that, think about American cheese!
I think what gets me the most is that the medical industry is in on this on the dark side. They still say low fat, high whole grains, low sodium. Folks, I believe that regimen is creating diabetics by the thousands per day, especially in kids.
Just like the food industry, the medical industry counts on repeat business. They want you on their drugs which seemingly combat the evils of food or depression or whatever.
And if you think there isn't a cure for cancer, think about all those doctors and big pharma with their jets, yachts, country club memberships, and influence with our government. Chemo and radiation create new business down the line form the problems they cause.
Whoa, wait a minute, hold on! I seem to have tripped over a soapbox. Not my intention.
My intention was to say I'm going to do things my way here on in, with the best possible advice I can find.
I don't intend to preach. That might lead to followers and believe me, I don't want anyone following me, it might give me a power trip. What I WANT people to do is think before they act on someone's advice, especially food companies and doctors. Get 2nd opinions, or 3rd opinions.
Be healthy. If you want a treat here or there from time to time, have one, enjoy it, and get back on the train, because a treat is really just a train stop until you decide it's your new town and the town is East Rutherford.
That's all. Be good to yourself.
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