Is this thing on? Oh yes! Hello fellow listeners and welcome to another installment of the Dr Delighted Show! I am your ever so delighted host, delighted because I'm pretty well gassed before illegally parking in the studio handicapped spot!
I am glad to finally be able to produce an original show for a change. We've been airing reruns for the past several months. While that may seem strange, keep in mind that the average attention span these days provides for so little recall of anything within 24 hours that nobody notices the difference...and I still get a check. That said, let me look at all of my mail that's accumulated!
Hmm, bills, a great offer from Omaha Steaks, coupons for carpet cleaning, coupons for furnace checks, teeth whitening, oh here we go, an ad from the Adam and Eve Store....I'll file that one! DirecTv, Dish, oh here we are, the letters that make the FCC cringe whenever I read them! Or maybe how I respond to them. Whatever! Here's one from Las Vegas.
"Dear Dr Delighted,
I am a single mom of 4 kids, 2 of whom are grown and 2 who are still in elementary school. I'm not too worried about the older 2, but the younger 2 have a dad whom I am unfortunate enough to wait for support checks from. No matter how many times I take him to court, he still manages to dodge his responsibilities. I do ok on my own, but the kids deserve more. I guess my question is, is a flat ended shovel better to whack him with or is a pointed spade better? Asking for a friend.
Yours always, maybe tomorrow night,
Thelma"
Wow, Thelma, you must really think I'm stupid. I mean, with all that BS, did you really think I didn't see where you were going? For heaven sake, woman, a nice metal bow rake will make sure the job is done right! You use the shovel for burying the body 10 miles west of Indian Springs!And tell your 'friend' to not be stupid and bury it too near all the other bodies that are there! With that, here's one that fits the bill!
(plays "Janie's Got a Gun", followed by an erectile dysfunction ad)
Yeah, erectile dysfunction, otherwise known as ED. It isn't enough that we guys (well, not me personally) have to experience a cease fire 5 minutes before even firing, but we have to hear about this on the radio like it's the new rabies! Try being subtle! Try this: 'If your soldier can't salute, give the doc a hoot!'...or, 'A balloon deflated don't mean your sex life is exterminated!' Weget the point without the point being directly referenced, you cruel fiends!
And speaking of male performance problems, our next call is from 'Sandy', and the voice is a bit, let us say, ambiguous. Sandy, you are on the air!
"Hi, Doctor!"
Yo!
"So, I have a problem."
So I figure. Problem 1 is starting your sentences with 'so', but I'll leave the grammar to the school hours. Go on.
"So I was born with a penis and-"
Ooooo-K! Hang on. If I pick you up for a date, should I just ram my tongue down your throat at your door?
"What? No! I mean..."
Then don't ram your penis into my ear! Start slow, celebrity DJs love that.
"Oh, sorry. Well, I was born as what most people assume is male."
Much better! Keep going.
"But I don't feel male."
Aha!
"Yes?"
Oh, I was feeling my mail as you said that, nothing magical, you're not missing much. Keep rolling.
"I was done."
Okey-doky...you have male parts but you don't feel male. Do you feel like you are a female?
"Not exactly."
A fish perhaps?
"No, no, please don't kid."
Sandy, I never kid on hot issues, particularly the 90s issues of Penthouse. The big question is, what gender do you feel you are?
"Well, after talking with friends, I think I am feminine male-bodied nadleeh."
......................................
"Dr. Delighted?"
Yes?
"Did you hear me?"
I heard it, but understood nothing. What is female guy bodied Natalie?
"No no, feminine male-bodied nadleeh. It's a Navajo term."
Oh, I see. Are you a Navajo?
"No."
Then once again I am at sea. What exactly is this of which you speak?"
"Well, I have the guy parts but I am truly a female."
Oh. Do you look female?
"No, I look like a guy."
Uh-huh....do you use the dama or caballero restroom?
"Well, that's not really the question."
Oh, I forgot that part with all this 21st century lingo. What is your question?
"What?"
That sounds like a question to me. In the future, folks, when you call, have a question or a court order, it makes the show flow much better! While I play some Prince, I'm going to try to go back to 1977 when things made sense!
("Purple Rain" followed by an EAS test)
All right, so sometimes we get those static sounds, and sometimes we get the static with the classic EBS beep that scared hell out of me as a kid. Whatever, I think the tests have run their course because they all come back negative. And with that, here's a Thanksgiving letter from Bernie. Now that's an odd one...Bernie my shrink, Bernie my Jewish brother in law, or Bernie my tax man? Anyhow, here it goes.
"Dear Dr Delighted,
I am very distraught. My family always celebrated Thanksgiving when I grew up. We had all the great meals with turkey and stuffing and cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie. We said what we were thanksful for and enjoyed the time together. Now I am in my mid 20s and have studied in college all about why Thanksgiving is a big lie and how the Pilgrims were vicious people who were mean to the natives who helped them. Quite frankly, I don't know what to believe in anymore. Can you help me?
Happy Thanksgiving,
Bernie"
Well, Bernie, if you are listening, your letter closing said it all. You wished me a happy Thanksgiving. The day is not about Pilgrim appreciation, for if you look at their clothes, there isn't much to appreciate. It is about being with family and being thankful for what and who are in your life. It matters not what you eat or where you eat...and if you get lucky, who you eat when all is said and done and I don't mean cannibalism. The day off was created for that family time or even time of self reflection and relaxation. With that, I wish you a Happy Thanksgiving as well, and I wish all of my listeners the same. And by golly, stay the hell out of the stores on Friday! You can't be thankful one day and be greedy the next, it's a hypocrisy one way or the other. Salut!
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