Delighted in 2019

   Is this thing on? Oh yes! Hello fellow listeners and welcome to another installment of the Dr Delighted Show! I am your ever so delighted host, delighted because I'm pretty well gassed before illegally parking in the studio handicapped spot!

   I am glad to finally be able to produce an original show for a change. We've been airing reruns for the past several months. While that may seem strange, keep in mind that the average attention span these days provides for so little recall of anything within 24 hours that nobody notices the difference...and I still get a check. That said, let me look at all of my mail that's accumulated!

   Hmm, bills, a great offer from Omaha Steaks, coupons for carpet cleaning, coupons for furnace checks, teeth whitening, oh here we go, an ad from the Adam and Eve Store....I'll file that one! DirecTv, Dish, oh here we are, the letters that make the FCC cringe whenever I read them! Or maybe how I respond to them. Whatever! Here's one from Las Vegas.

"Dear Dr Delighted,

   I am a single mom of 4 kids, 2 of whom are grown and 2 who are still in elementary school. I'm not too worried about the older 2, but the younger 2 have a dad whom I am unfortunate enough to wait for support checks from. No matter how many times I take him to court, he still manages to dodge his responsibilities. I do ok on my own, but the kids deserve more. I guess my question is, is a flat ended shovel better to whack him with or is a pointed spade better? Asking for a friend.

Yours always, maybe tomorrow night,
Thelma"

Wow, Thelma, you must really think I'm stupid. I mean, with all that BS, did you really think I didn't see where you were going? For heaven sake, woman, a nice metal bow rake will make sure the job is done right! You use the shovel for burying the body 10 miles west of Indian Springs!And tell your 'friend' to not be stupid and bury it too near all the other bodies that are there! With that, here's one that fits the bill!

(plays "Janie's Got a Gun", followed by an erectile dysfunction ad)

Yeah, erectile dysfunction, otherwise known as ED. It isn't enough that we guys (well, not me personally) have to experience a cease fire 5 minutes before even firing, but we have to hear about this on the radio like it's the new rabies! Try being subtle! Try this: 'If your soldier can't salute, give the doc a hoot!'...or, 'A balloon deflated don't mean your sex life is exterminated!'  Weget the point without the point being directly referenced, you cruel fiends!

And speaking of male performance problems, our next call is from 'Sandy', and the voice is a bit, let us say, ambiguous. Sandy, you are on the air!

"Hi, Doctor!"

Yo!

"So, I have a problem."

So I figure. Problem 1 is starting your sentences with 'so', but I'll leave the grammar to the school hours. Go on.

"So I was born with a penis and-"

Ooooo-K! Hang on. If I pick you up for a date, should I just ram my tongue down your throat at your door?

"What? No! I mean..."

Then don't ram your penis into my ear! Start slow, celebrity DJs love that.

"Oh, sorry. Well, I was born as what most people assume is male."

Much better! Keep going.

"But I don't feel male."

Aha!

"Yes?"

Oh, I was feeling my mail as you said that, nothing magical, you're not missing much. Keep rolling.

"I was done."

Okey-doky...you have male parts but you don't feel male. Do you feel like you are a female?

"Not exactly."

A fish perhaps?

"No, no, please don't kid."

Sandy, I never kid on hot issues, particularly the 90s issues of Penthouse.  The big question is, what gender do you feel you are?

"Well, after talking with friends, I think I am feminine male-bodied nadleeh."

......................................

"Dr. Delighted?"

Yes?

"Did you hear me?"

I heard it, but understood nothing. What is female guy bodied Natalie?

"No no, feminine male-bodied nadleeh. It's a Navajo term."

Oh, I see.  Are you a Navajo?

"No."

Then once again I am at sea. What exactly is this of which you speak?"

"Well, I have the guy parts but I am truly a female."

Oh. Do you look female?

"No, I look like a guy."

Uh-huh....do you use the dama or caballero restroom?

"Well, that's not really the question."

Oh, I forgot that part with all this 21st century lingo. What is your question?

"What?"

That sounds like a question to me. In the future, folks, when you call, have a question or a court order, it makes the show flow much better! While I play some Prince, I'm going to try to go back to 1977 when things made sense!

("Purple Rain" followed by an EAS test)

All right, so sometimes we get those static sounds, and sometimes we get the static with the classic EBS beep that scared hell out of me as a kid. Whatever, I think the tests have run their course because they all come back negative. And with that, here's a Thanksgiving letter from Bernie. Now that's an odd one...Bernie my shrink, Bernie my Jewish brother in law, or Bernie my tax man? Anyhow, here it goes.

"Dear Dr Delighted,

   I am very distraught. My family always celebrated Thanksgiving when I grew up. We had all the great meals with turkey and stuffing and cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie. We said what we were thanksful for and enjoyed the time together. Now I am in my mid 20s and have studied in college all about why Thanksgiving is a big lie and how the Pilgrims were vicious people who were mean to the natives who helped them. Quite frankly, I don't know what to believe in anymore. Can you help me?

Happy Thanksgiving,
Bernie"

Well, Bernie, if you are listening, your letter closing said it all. You wished me a happy Thanksgiving. The day is not about Pilgrim appreciation, for if you look at their clothes, there isn't much to appreciate. It is about being with family and being thankful for what and who are in your life. It matters not what you eat or where you eat...and if you get lucky, who you eat when all is said and done and I don't mean cannibalism. The day off was created for that family time or even time of self reflection and relaxation. With that, I wish you a Happy Thanksgiving as well, and I wish all of my listeners the same. And by golly, stay the hell out of the stores on Friday! You can't be thankful one day and be greedy the next, it's a hypocrisy one way or the other. Salut!

George and Shannon

   Once in a while I go through some of my old writing....some are short storries, some are chapters from an unpublished book....actually all are unpublished, I'm not quite in the Clancy or Patterson world of cranking out bestsellers a few times a year. They do that for a living. I am a teacher and my time for sitting down and putting out a chapter or even short story with my family in constant wonderful distraction is slimmer than most might think.

   I do not remember exactly when I wrote this, but it was sometime after being with Vickie for a while. Enjoy and vomit as needed!
*******************************************************************************

  George Deacon was no hero, at least he didn’t think so. Not the sort of hero most people have in mind. He was a computer techie, and was extremely talented in that profession. He had probably saved thousands of jobs and financial lives with his expertise, knowing how to derail Trojan horses, worms, and other destructive influences that harm workplaces and personal bank accounts every day. He supposed he could be called an anonymous hero, like blood donors. Simply, though, he did his job and was done for the day when he wanted to be. The real hero bit would come when he never suspected it would.

   One August afternoon George had decided to take a day off and walk on The Strip. He was one of the few people who could stand the heat of the Las Vegas summer with no complaint. He was walking past the Venetian entrance when he saw it about to happen. A driver with California plates was alternately moving slowly then fast, slowly then fast, looking at the scenery and obviously having no clue where he was going. The young, thin woman on the curb was on her cell facing away from the street, oblivious. The car swerved toward the curb as the driver looked to the other side of the street. George dropped his cup of soda and ran toward the woman. He grabbed her and moved her out of the way as people screamed.

   The driver of the car tried too late to compensate and smashed into the cab in front of him. The woman, indignant about the hands on her at first, turned to see where she’d been. Her mouth fell open with shock. The driver got out of his car, dazed. He had the nerve to shoot a dirty look at the cab that was, in his mind, in the way. That look disappeared when the small crowd looked at him with angry glares. The cab driver got out, and it looked like trouble.

   George paid no attention. He looked at his damsel in distress. “Sorry I had to do that, I just didn’t want you to get hurt, or killed.”

   The woman smiled weakly, still shocked. “It’s ok.”

   George looked at her for a long moment. She was looking familiar to him for some reason. He knew he had seen her somewhere before.

   She interrupted his thoughts. “I’m Shannon.”

  “I’m George.”

   They shook hands, then Shannon pulled his arm to her and gave him a hug. “You saved my life!”

  “I would have done it for anyone.”

  “That makes it even greater.”

   George blushed. “You sure you’re all right?”

  “I am now, thank you, George.”

   He kept blushing as he looked at her. A nice figure, red hair, decent curves, though she was a bit taller than he was. He shrugged. “Well, I better get going. If I were you, I’d stay a few feet from the curb from now on.”

  “I will. Can I have your number?”

  “Why do you need that? I think you should get that driver’s number instead.” He pointed to the bad driver, who was having a heated argument with the cabbie. Violence seemed to be imminent unless a cop showed.

  “No, I’m ok. But I really feel I should have a way to contact you, to say thank you again.”

  “You just did.”

  “Please?”

   George shrugged, took out his wallet and gave Shannon his business card. She looked at it carefully. “Computer consultant?”

  “That’s me.”

   She put it into her purse, then put out her hand again. “Thank you again, George.”

  “You’re welcome.” He moved along, forgetting his spilled soda on the sidewalk. A few people cheered him as he passed them. George Deacon, the lifesaver.

   George got back to his apartment on the east side of Las Vegas an hour later. He put on a pot of coffee and looked in the mirror in the kitchen. He was definitely no stud. He was average-looking, and wasn’t in bad shape but could stand to lose a few pounds. Today, though, he was the man. He had made a difference.

   Minutes later he sat at his computer with the coffee mug next to him. He logged in and then went to www.greatdates.com, one of the sites where he had maintained a personal ad. He searched the site for a few minutes, but found there were too many local profiles to sift through. On a hunch, he looked at his inbox and there it was! A mail from SexyShan, dated three months ago. He opened it and read it again. Of all the dames in the world, he thought in an inner Bogart voice.

   Two days later, while writing a report on new viruses, his cell phone rang. He let it ring twice while he studied the number. He didn’t know it, but decided to answer anyway. “Hello?”

  “George Deacon?”

  “Yes.”

  “This is Shannon.”

   George paused a moment. He had not really expected a call from her. “Hi.”

  “Are you busy?”

  “I am working.”

  “Do you have any lunch plans?”

  “I do.”

  “What are you doing for lunch?”

  “Eating.”

  “I mean, are you going anywhere?”

  “I wasn’t planning on it. My afternoon is full of catch-up work.”

  “Well, would you like to have lunch tomorrow?”

   George sighed. He knew this was coming. “Shannon, you don’t have to invite me to lunch.”

  “I do, though. You saved my life.”

  “I did, and I was happy to do it. But you don’t have to reward me.”

  “Just lunch, ok?”

  “Ok.”

   George hung up the phone and stared at it, like it was growing a fungus. He put it down and then went back to work.

   The next day they met at Won Bing’s, an upscale Chinese restaurant in Summerlin. The food was not upscale, but the prices were. George and Shannon sat and talked for an hour, he telling about his job and how boring it would be if he didn’t make good money at it. She told about her job at a law office, and how she was under constant pressure to have contracts drawn up on time and to keep the schedule updated. He showed the proper interest in what she said without getting overly involved, yet she seemed fascinated by what he did. He knew she was faking it, because her eyes glazed over when he described the complicated world of computer code. Yet, she remained focused.

   Finally, the check came and Shannon grabbed it right away. “This is on me.”

   George nodded. She invited, she paid, simple math there. After the bill was taken care of, George stood. “Shannon, thank you for lunch. I need to get some work done today, though.”

   Shannon looked puzzled. “You’re leaving?”

  “That’s what standing up usually implies.”

  “Did I do something wrong?”

  “No. This was a great break in the day. But I do work freelance, and my clients need me to earn my pay.”

  “A few more minutes? Coffee?”

   George shrugged and sat down. It wasn’t as though she were an ogre, but she did bother him. He was curious, though, about something. “Do I look familiar to you?”

   Shannon looked at him, studying his face. “You mean, did I recognize you a few days ago?”

  “Yes.”

  “No, that was the first time I ever saw you.”

   George nodded and smirked to himself. Nice choice of words, he thought. “I was just wondering.”

  “Do you think we’ve met before?”

  “No. I thought we had at first, but you are not the same person I thought you were.”

   She nodded. “Yeah, I saw you were staring at me the other day.”

  “Sorry, I don’t mean to stare.”

  “It’s ok! I’ll tell you something, though. I think you are handsome.”

   George smiled. “Really?”

  “Yes. You have a lot more character than the other creeps in this town, too.”

   George shrugged. He seemed to be doing a lot of that around her. “I couldn’t be a player if I tried.”

  “Good, keep it that way.” Shannon stared at her coffee uncertainly for a minute. “George, can I ask something?”

  “Shoot.”

  “How would you feel about a movie?”

  “Shannon, that’s nice to ask, but I don’t think I’m your type.”

   She looked up sharply. “My type?”

  “Yes.”

  “And what’s my type, George?” There was an angry edge to her voice.

  “I think you go for taller guys with the fake charm, the ones who buy women drinks at the clubs and expect to get laid in return, the ones who will buy you what you want and expect to get laid in return. In other words, you go for guys who will do what you ask, and whether or not they get what they want means nothing to you. That guy isn’t me by any means.”

   Shannon looked shocked for a minute. George said nothing more, just sipped at his coffee. Finally, she nodded slowly. “You’re right. I’ve dated the man you just described probably a thousand times.”

  “There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s just who you like. Tall, dark, handsome. That’s not me by a long shot.”

  “But you’re a good man. And I’m thinking I’ve been looking in the wrong place.” She reached out and grabbed George’s hand. He accepted the grab awkwardly. “Come to a movie with me, please?”

  “What’s today?”

  “Wednesday.”

  “Friday night is the only time I can go.” He said that just for the reaction.

   Shannon looked thoughtful for a moment. George could tell she had made her usual plans for that night, but she nodded. “It’s done.”

   George nodded.

   Friday night, the two went to see a new science fiction adventure based on some comic book series. They sat together, sharing a medium popcorn at high prices, and each had a soda. George concentrated as much as he could on the movie, but Shannon’s hand on his was quite a distraction. Occasionally she leaned over to put her head on his shoulder. He didn’t take the cue to put his arm around her.

   After the movie was over, the two walked to their cars in the parking garage. He was a gentleman and walked her to her car first. When they reached it, she turned around to face him. “George, why don’t you like me?”

  “I do like you.”

  “I mean, LIKE me.”

  “Well, you can’t rush stuff like that. It takes time.”

  “George, I’m not talking about feelings, I’m talking about sex.”

  “I know.”

  “You don’t want me?”

   George looked down for a moment, trying to find the right words. “Shannon, you don’t want me. If I hadn’t pushed you away from the car, you wouldn’t have even noticed me on the street.”

  “If you hadn’t pushed, I might not be alive!”

   George smiled gently. “Look, we’ve become friends. I wasn’t even expecting that. The truth is, I found someone a month ago. She’s really great.”

  “Oh. Where did you find her?”

  “Online.”

   Immediately, Shannon’s face turned a bright pink. “I tried that once. I hated it. All those guys ever wanted was sex. Most weren’t my type.”

  “Most your type don’t need to use the Internet. A lot of guys like me do.”

  “Really? What sites were you on?”

   George quickly rattled off a few names, including the one she had sent an email on, but she did not register recognition. The two stood silent for a moment before George spoke again. “Chris didn’t like it that we went out tonight, but I told her we were just going out as friends.”

   Shannon’s face turned a deeper red. “Just friends? I want it to be more than that.”

  “I know, but it can’t be.”

   She reached over and pulled him into a kiss, he resisted gently, not pushing her away, but keeping her tongue out of his mouth just the same. Finally she backed away and took a breath. “Did Chris ever kiss you like that?”

   George nodded. “Yes.”

  “Oh. Well, I guess I’d better get home.” Shannon looked crestfallen, her plans for the night had not gone well at all. She opened her door and slowly got in. George watched her as she pulled away, then headed toward his car on a different level.

   It was a week later, and George had pretty much moved on when his cell phone rang. It was Shannon. He had programmed her number so he wouldn’t be surprised. He answered, “Hello?”

  “Hi George.”

  “Hi! How are you?”

  “I’m good.”

  “Glad to hear.”

  “You doing all right?”

  “Always.”

  “Do you miss me?”

  “Hard to answer that one.”

  “I know, just putting you on the spot.”

  “What’s up?”

  “Dinner.”

  “No.”

  “No, wait a minute. I want to have it with you and your girlfriend Chris.”

   That stopped George. “Really?”

  “Yes. I thought about what you said. I like the idea of friends rather than the idea of nothing.”

  “I’m glad to hear that.”

  “How’s Saturday for you two?”

  “I’ll ask her, but it should be all right.”

  “Same restaurant, say 6:00?”

  “Sounds great, Shannon. See you then.”

   At dinner on Saturday night, George was thoroughly enjoying being with Chris. Shannon watched them, trying to look like she was having a good time. She listened to Chris describe her job and what she did. When Chris asked her about herself, Shannon answered very politely and matter-of-factly. All she saw was how round Chris was, with round cheeks, a bit portly in the middle, and thick thighs. However, whenever George asked Shannon a question, Shannon answered brightly and cheerfully.

   At 7:00, Chris had to go to her father’s house to help him out. He was in a wheelchair and needed help getting around when her mom was at work. George kissed Christina warmly goodbye and she left with a happy smile.

   Shannon looked at George. “What do you see in her?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, do you find her attractive?”

  “I do.”

  “How can you?”

  “Because she makes me smile and laugh, because she listens to what I say. I listen to what she says, and I make her smile and laugh. We have good times together.”

  “But, she’s HUGE!”

   George’s face darkened. “Stop! You don’t know her.”

  “I think you deserve better than her.”

  “And who the hell would that be?”

  “I keep trying to tell you, it’s ME!”

   George closed his eyes. “Do you know how long it took me to find a woman who would accept me for me? Do you?”

  “No.”

  “A long time, Shannon! I was ready to give up when I found her. I’d emailed a lot of people and gotten some responses, and a few actual meetings. Nothing ever really panned out. All they saw was that I’m a computer tech geek standing at 5’5. They didn’t bother listening to me, they just saw the outside. Christina saw the inside, liked what she saw, and gave me a chance, and I have made sure that I do not disappoint her. All she asks is acceptance for who she is, and I accept her with my heart and my soul.”

    Shannon’s voice softened. “I don’t see a geek, George.”

  “Yes you do. You’re confusing gratitude with something else. You have thanked me for saving your life in so many ways, and I think you’ve thanked enough. You don’t need to try to save my life, because it doesn’t need saving.”

  “It does! Let me show you! I accept you for who you are. I LOVE you for who you are.”

   George wanted to lash out when he heard that word, but he stopped himself. He looked at her curiously, keeping under control. “I want you to come to my place.”

  “Really?”

  “Really. I think that only there can we make things right between us.”

  “I agree!”

  “I have the check tonight, all right?”

  “Are you sure?”

  “I think I can handle it.”

   An hour later, they walked into George’s apartment. Shannon looked around, trying to find something to admire. But she was not there to admire the apartment. She wanted George. George knew that. He invited her to sit down. She did.

  “In the time we’ve known each other, have you ever figured out where we met?”

  “We never met, George!”

  “We did meet.” He turned to his computer and found the website. After logging into it, he found the email, but first clicked the link to her profile. It popped up. “Look.”

   Shannon got up and looked at the screen. “I never erased that profile. I meant to, I meant to erase all of them.”

  “I’m sure you did. I’m sure you also don’t remember an email I sent telling about myself and saying I was interested in meeting you.”

  “You never sent an email.”

   George clicked on his profile and showed her. “That doesn’t look familiar?” he said forcefully.

  “No!”

   He finally returned to the email from her. Luckily it contained a carbon copy of his original message. “Read that!”

   Shannon sat down and read:

   “George,

        Sorry, but I do not even talk to guys like you. There would be no chance in hell of us even chatting online. Do me a favor and get off this site and get others like you off so I can meet some real men.

     SexyShan”

  

   Shannon sat back as she scrolled down to read the original email. “George, let me explain.”

   He shook his head. “Nothing to explain. You meant what you said in that note. And if another one like me were to pass you on the street, you wouldn’t even notice. Hell, if a car came at them, you wouldn’t try to save THEM. I’m only special because I did choose to save you. If I had to do it again, I would. That’s who I am.”

  “George, please. I was a different person then.”

  “No. I saw the way you treated Chris tonight: with utter disrespect. I’m glad I met you finally, and I’m glad you rejected me, because it allowed me to find the right one.”

  “You rejected me first.”

  “Not according to that email.”

  “But that was online! That doesn’t count.”

  “I found you and you rejected me. Then somehow you found me and chose to accept me out of gratitude.”

   Shannon said nothing.

  “I want you to leave, Shannon. Thank you for turning me down back then. You let me find the one for me.”

   Silently, slowly, Shannon rose from the computer chair, tears running down her cheeks. She looked pleadingly at George, but he stood still. Finally, she walked to the door, opened it, and closed it from the other side.

   George sat at his computer, read the email one more time, and finally deleted it. Then he picked up his cell and called Chris.