The Real Prequels

I have a dream! I have a dream where our children will enjoy the prequel trilogy AS MUCH AS the original trilogy, and NOT deem it to be superior!I have a dream where the only time I hear the words "jar jar" are from a cute toddler pointing to strawberry jelly! I have a dream where CGI technology is toyed with, but ultimately goes the way of Pauly Shore's career!

Folks, sometimes it is necessary to look at something through someone else's eyes to understand just how much is really does suck. I was recently watching one of my favorite Youtube series, "Everything Wrong With", which takes popular movies and lists their "sins". In the case of the Star Wars prequel trilogy, these folks had a field day...and they were right! There were so many neat ideas alluded to in the REAL trilogy that didn't seem quite as cool when shown 20+ years later.

And why is that? Simply, way too much damn time off! After "Return of the Jedi", which wasn't exactly the gripper we thought it would be (death star 2, Ewoks, speeder chase didn't inspire so much as sell merchandise), George Lucas gave us 2 more Indiana Jones flicks ( 1 epic, 1 Kate Capshaw elongated scream, but acceptable), not to mention Howard the Duck, Labyrinth, and Radioland Murders, and the re-edited original trilogy to show off how ILM learned how to use Kid Pix and re-edit back in rejected footage.

Once he was done with that (or rather, while he was distracting his crew with that), he wrote the prequel trilogy. I am thinking he wrote it all at once during a 1 night session like cramming for the biology final...you know how that goes, confusing RNA with DNA,  protozoa with amoeba, chimps with presidents...you get lost somewhere with all that work and sweat. Plus, he had forgotten that he still had a core audience who were in their 20s and 30s by then and expected the same genius.

But they didn't get genius. They got...

Midichlorians
Jar Jar
The Trade Federation (who seemed oddly Japanese in accent)
Gungans
Count Dooku
Galactic politics
General Emphysema Grievous
A shitload of bad continuity
Hayden Christensen
Bad character aging (and some lack thereof)
Qui Gon
Fake and not at all entertaining Yoda

The kids who were experiencing Star Wars for the first time thought this was it: corny characters, a shit ton of CGI, and Jar Jar. They didn't get to see the real 1977-83 movies that began it all...and set the gold standard for the series. Lucas tried to RECREATE the gold standard, which ended up being a level below bronze. He forgot some basic ideas.

Dos:
1. Obi Wan is a cool, wise warrior
2. Yoda is a funny, whimsical, yet highly wise jedi master
3. Darth Vader is a cold, calculating fearsome agent of the Empire...he doesn't whine like Dante in "Clerks"!
4. Committee meetings are kept to 2 per movie tops and BRIEF
5. Lightsaber duels have exciting BUT NOT TOO FAST ACTION (Empire set the gold standard there)

Don'ts:
1. Whining
2. Important characters coming out of nowhere with no previous mention
3. Supposedly powerful Jedi mown down too easily
4. Boring romances with too much screen time
5. Long-ass speeches putting audience members to sleep

With that, I bring you the REAL prequel saga with the original titles intact

Episode 1: A Phantom Menace

We start with a scene on Dagobah (strong with the Force) where an old Yoda-like creature who is a Jedi gets slain tragically by Darth Maul (he was totally cool so we keep him) after a fierce Force powers battle. Maul takes the Jedi's lightsaber as a trophy. He then reports this to his boss Count Dooku. Meanwhile, Jedi Knight (no padawan crap) Obi Wan Kenobi and his friend Mace Windu are putting out galactic fires on behalf of the Republic. They encounter a group of mysterious starships attacking a small group of fighters. The leader of this small group is YOUNG ADULT Anakin Skywalker who is an awesome pilot. The Jedi in this ships assist this small band in escaping, even destroying one of the starships during escape.

Obi Wan accompanies Anakin to his home planet of Tatooine, sensing his Force affinity. He also gets a load of Anakin's cantankerous moisture farmer much older brother Owen who is mad at Anakin for becoming a pilot instead of boring farming. Their mother Shmi wants her boys to be happy. One night while she is stupidly out alone at night, she is attacked by Sandpeople. Luckily, Anakin and Obi Wan rescue her, Obi Wan even gets in some lightsaber use with a fairly belligerent Tusken Raider. Anakin proves powerful in fighting a few off himself. Obi Wan convinces him that he should be a Jedi. He takes Anakin to Coruscant to meet with Yoda and ask if Anakin could be trained. Yoda gives his permission, noting how strong Anakin is with the Force.

After many training sessions at the Jedi Temple, however (with many training scenes), a wave of the mysterious starships led by Dooku appears above Coruscant, planning a siege of the entire Senate. Obi Wan, Mace Windu, and other Jedi engage these troops in an awesome blaster against lightsaber battle. Meanwhile, trainee Anakin has been assigned to protect Senators Palpatine and Padme Amidala and notices her beauty WITHOUT WHINING about being held  back. Suddenly, the leader of the siege Darth Maul shows up, intending to take Padme and Palpatine prisoner. Anakin, using his freshly found Jedi powers, calls the dead Jedi's lightsaber to him and proves to be a challenge to Maul in a cool duel. However, he ends up getting a hand sliced off. Obi Wan shows up after successfully defeating the group  of mysterious (hence PHANTOM) warriors and engages Maul in another duel which shows Obi Wan to be an awesome fencer. He WINS by cutting off Maul's feet. Maul suddenly vanishes and the mysterious fleet flies away in defeat. The end of the movie is a celebration of the victory, with Anakin getting a new hand.  We see Palpatine is none too pleased when he looks away from the group.

Episode 2: Attack of the Clones

We open with Obi Wan and Anakin pursuing a ship from the mysterious fleet to find its source. During this pursuit, we are seeing Anakin's growing impatience and anger to take care of the bad guys, but also see fear of his mother's fate (he doesn't give a rat's ass about Owen, though). When the mystery ship docks at a city on the planet Kamino. There, they see that the pilot of the ship they were following is wearing a white outfit of armor. Not only that, they also see that others there look exactly like him! Anakin wants to attack, but Obi Wan prevents him, as it is a recon mission. However, they are noticed and taken hostage, but not before Obi Wan has alerted FUN SMILING COOL Mace Windu of their location. Windu and the Jedi clan arrive in a massive rescue of Jedi and, surprisingly, Padme Amidala who, concerned for her hero Anakin, stowed away on one of the Jedi ships.

After the rescue, Anakin feels a disturbance in the Force. He convinces Obi Wan to let him go to Tatooine to see mom. Obi Wan relents as long as Padme accompanies his student (in my version, the Jedi are NOT monks). On Tatooine, Anakin encounters toaster level 4 crusty Owen who is angry Anakin left again while mom is dying from an attack by one of the white troopers. Anakin is just in time to say goodbye as mom dies. He and Padme then travel to Mos Eisley on  a clue left near the farm and finds a group of the, holy crap, CLONE TROOPERS amassed in town. All the while, he and Padme are engaged in witty dialogue written by Lawrence Kasdan, NOT George Lucas, which is indicating some deep sexual tension while keeping it PG. He lets Obi Wan know.

Obi Wan, Mace Windu, and Yoda inform Palpatine of the clone development. Palpatine pretends shock and anger and "realizes" that Count Dooku is leading this group. Obi Wan and his crew head to Tatooine where they see the ships led by Dooku. Mace Windu and other Jedi head to the planet to aid Anakin in taking out the troops while others, led by Obi Wan, steal into the head ship to deal with Dooku. Dooku is revealed to be a Sith lord and is adept with a lightsaber. While the other Jedi battle the clone troops, Obi Wan has an AWESOME duel with Dooku. Obi Wan is mildly injured when someone attacks him with a LIGHTSABER. He is revealed to be Darth Maul with new mechanical feet. Obi Wan manages to FINALLY kill him while Dooku, seeing the situation is helpless, alerts "Master" who looks remarkably like Palpatine. Dooku sets his ship to self destruct then escapes in his personal ship. Obi Wan and the gang are rescued by Mace Windu, Anakin and their successful group who wiped out the clones on the surface. At the end, we see Anakin and Padme in a not-at-all cheesy but hot embrace while we  also see Palpatine seething over his defeat, but seeing his need for a new "apprentice".

Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith

We open with the Jedi raiding Kamino only to see a few remaining clones since the base was abandoned. After the last clones on the planet are eliminated, the Jedi are alerted by Senator Palpatine that Count Dooku is holding him hostage on his ship. While heading that way, Anakin is getting pretty damn frustrated over not seeing his pregnant girl Padme (not married) for a long time and is picking fights with his master Obi Wan (words, not lightsabers, not yet anyway). When they finally reach Dooku's ship, Obi Wan and Anakin fight clones in a heavy battle. Anakin senses Palpatine's presense and races to rescue him against Obi Wan's orders. Anakin and Dooku have quite the duel where Dooku tries to turn Anakin to the dark side. Anakin is getting angry and kills Dooku, pleasing the lurking Palpatine to no end. Anakin forsakes his blue lightsaber for Dooku's red one. Palpatine reveals himself to be a Sith master and starts filling Anakin's head with pretty wicked ideas as they go back to Coruscant.

Obi Wan and the crew are alerted to several clone attacks on many Republic planets. Yoda is distressed that this will make the Jedi vulnerable when spread apart but it must be done. Anakin is scaring the crap out of Padme, who does not want her child born around such anger. While Anakin is called away on business, she escapes. Anakin is increasingly under the influence of Palpatine WITHOUT ANY LONG STORIES THAT BORE US!  Using a fear of losing his child, Palpatine convinces him that the Jedi are bad bad bad.

Anakin then goes on a misison with two other Jedi to Planet (put your name here) where they take on a whole troop of clones, but Anakin has been given a command to turn on his compatriots and murders them, helping the clones win. On the other planets, the clones overtake and kill the other Jedi. Obi Wan barely escapes after killing several clones, but knows he can't defeat them all after losing his buddies. Mace Windu is alerted to Palpatine's true nature by a Force disturbance and encounters him in a fierce battle of  lightning vs lightsaber, during which Palpatine's kindly facade is melted away to reveal an old, evil face.. Windu is about to win when Anakin returns to his new master. His lightsaber and Palpatine's lightning are too much for Mace Windu and he dies.

In a BRIEF senate meeting, Palpatine claims rulership and ends the Republic, replacing it with the Galactic Empire. Yoda senses the remaining few Jedi have no chance and decide to hide throughout the galaxy. Yoda goes to Force-rich Dagobah, while Obi Wan decides to hide on beloved Tatooine. Before that, he visits Padme on request. On the way, his ship is damaged by angry Anakin and they botrh land on volcanic Mustafar where they engage in an EPIC and NOT TOO FAST duel of blue vs red light lightsabers. Anakin is powerful but the master Obi Wan is more powerful and knocks his now evil pupil into a hot lava pool. After a brief and not badly acted farewell, Obi Wan leaves his fallen pupil, who is rescued by Palpatine and reconstructed and supported by a heavy suit of black armor and machinery and dubbed Darth Vader.

Obi Wan visits Padme with fatherly Senator Bail Organa. She has had twins and is afraid of Anakin finding them. Obi Wan is not sure Anakin is still alive, but agrees to hide the boy Luke with Anakin's burnt toast brother Owen and his June Cleaver-like wife Beru, while Organa takes Padme and girl Leia to his home Alderaan.

The film ends with montages of the Death Star beginning construction and the new clone troopers known as stormtroopers invading planets, the mystery ships (that we know as Star Destroyers) attacking old Republic freighters....a dark end for sure, but it kind of leads to "A New Hope" better.

You see how those cinematic events glue better together? Maybe make sense? And hey, I kept in Mace Windu and Dooku. No cute creatures thrown in for kids' sake. I know I left out R2D2 and C3PO, but I suspect the original scripts from the 70s did as well, thrown in later as plot transportation specialists. You can put them in here, too.

To conclude, may the real prequel be with you!

Rest Stop Closed!

Lieutenant's log, Stardate 3456789. I really have no clue what the stardate is, and quite frankly I don't think the time experts do either! I am sitting in for the Captain, who has been struck with transporter sickness. That ususally doesn't happen, but hey, if you use the transporter for sexual purposes, you get what you get!

Our ship the Nebula 6 has just passed a pretty cool looking planet. Well, the planet itself is pretty boring, but it has THE most awesome set of rings I've seen in the past 3 galaxies. That's not saying much, it's been pretty boring for months. This space desert makes you feel so cold, it's got so many asteroids but it's got no soul...scratch that, that was pretty cheesy!

Our mission is to seek out new life forms, hopefully intelligent ones, with which to communicate and share technology. Space is pretty big and it gets lonely on Planet Nixon sometimes. You can only do so many talk shows and game shows and cartoons to pass the time before you get planet fever.

Status, Lt. Smith!

"We're floating in space, nothing around us life-wise...same as a day ago!"

Well, regulations say we have to do this daily when we're not being particularly productive OR destructive.

"Yeah ok, do regulations state you get to be in charge while the captain is sick as usual?"

As a matter of fact, yes. Whoever draws the longest head tentacle is in charge! That WAS  on the sergeant exam when you took it...LIEUTENANT!

"Yes, sir."

That's better! Carry on! By the way, what are you carrying on with?

"Oh, some game where you break blocks with a ball and paddle. Pretty addicting."

Sounds a little too high-tech for me! Have fun with that.

"Sir! I have a life form reading on a planet not very far from here!"

Excellent, Lieutenant Yankovic!

"Sir, you can call me Al."

A little casual today, aren't we, 'Al'?

"Yes, sir."

Fine. Can you get a better reading yet?

"Not yet, we need to get closer."

Make it so...wait, that sounded dumb....just get closer, will you? Just don't make our presence too obvious, we know nothing about them and the last time we just dropped on a planet, they crapped all over themselves. Lieutenant Green, let's warp.

"Yes sir. Hyperspace or warp speed?"

Is there a difference?

"Just how the stars move past, it's all visual. No difference in speed."

You choose.

"Warp speed it is, sir! Is everyone strapped in?"

As opposed to strapped on? Yes. (ship shoots off) Whoa! Those wavy lives rock! How long?

"45 seconds, sir."

Aww, that's shorter than I expected!

"Small sun system, sir! And.....we're done!"

Excellent, let me call the captain. (hits a button). Captain! I think we finally might have found a good rest stop. We could all use a stretch, don't you think?"

(grumbling) "Who put you in charge? Wait, never mind, that stupid tenatcle regulation. How do you think I drew the SHORT tentacle to get this command?"

How are you feeling, sir?

(mocking) "How are you feeling sir? I know you're enjoying this, so enjoy it while it lasts! Let me know when we're there."

Yes sir! Lieutenant....whoever, give me a scan of this world.

"Lieutenant whoever? Look, I apologized for messing up the food computer several times!"

Tell you what, if you are ever on the toilet for 4 days without sleeping, THEN I'll remember your name. Scan!

"Yes sir...oh wow, this is a strange place."

How so?

"Several billion beings who love to fight over who to worship and kill each other over that matter."

Sounds stupid, go on.

"They have a technological entertainment system similar to ours called TV. Decent game shows, but mostly garbage called informercials."

Yuck. Go on.

"A huge amount of pollution. There are a few intelligent beings trying to push for planetary use of solar power, but too many beings in power want to squander their what appears to be few remaining natural resources."

Unbelievable!

"There are those who eat animal life, those who eat plant life, and those who eat both. Some kill animal life just for fun."

Without using them for food?

"They sell animal parts for profit."

This is too horrible to imagine!

"Sir, from what I can gather, any life forms not native to their planet would likely be destroyed by military and strange beings called 'rednecks' due to paranoia and wish for superiority. Only a few intelligent beings anticipate arrivals from those like us."

Quite sad. (hits comm button) Captain?

"Well? Can we stop there?"

Sorry sir, the rest stop is closed.

"Understood. Drive on! Hey, I once heard about a planet named Ceti Alpha 5 that's supposed to be populated. Let's see about that!"

Aye sir!