As I sit in my computer chair trying to come up with some clever bullshit to fill a few paragraphs so that my head's trash can gets emptied on time, I think back to the days, rather nights, when I would stay up late. The last program on a certain channel was over, the National Anthem would play, then the station would either go to static snow or to a test pattern with an EBS test-like beep.
No longer. I mean, I am still thinking of those days fondly, but they are no longer here. The programmers of stations both local and cable decided that money was being wasted during those non-programmed hours, much like Federal money is wasted regulating the hole circumference in Swiss cheese. No, instead of glorious white noise, we have what is known as "paid programming".
We all know, of course, that ALL programming pays or gets paid in one way or another. The normal term for this money-making gimmick is infomercials, a disgusting amalgamation mixing information and commercials. On any given night, I can flip through a few channels and find an infomercial lasting 30 minutes telling me the advantage of buying a 40-CD set of songs "digitally remastered" that I already own apparently unmastered. I can also find infomercials trying to sell to me, for a ransom of $29.95 per minute, kitchen appliances I will never find a use for.
Well, by golly, if it's that easy, then Mr. Moore has a few infomercials guaranteed to not only make the station money, but also maybe replace the sun visor on the passenger side of my car, it's a win-win deal!
1. TIRED OF YOUR COLLECTION OF GOOD MUSIC? WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO HEAR SOME USELESS CRAP FOR A CHANGE? HOLD ON TO YOUR PLASTIC SOFA COVERS EVERYONE! COMING TO YOU FROM LIMETIFE RECORDS IS THE LONG AWAITED RELEASE OF THE MOST CURIOUS AND UNWELCOME PAIRING OF MEDIOCRITY EVER TO HIT THE HIGHEST FREQUENCY ON THE AM DIAL. IT'S RICK ASTLEY AND SHA NA NA TOGETHER, WHY, WE HAVE NO DAMN CLUE! YES IT'S RICK ASTLEY,, THE ARTIST WHOSE ASS WAS CREAMED BY BANANARAMA ON A WEEKLY BASIS, BELTING OUT HITS WITH SHA NA NA, THE GROUP WHO SOMEHOW CAPITALIZED ON AN APPEARANCE IN GREASE WITH A 4-YEAR SYNDICATED PROGRAM NEVER AIRED AGAIN AFTER 1981! YES, IT'S ALL HERE, ALL 6 SONGS NOT EVEN DIGITALLY REMASTERED BECAUSE WE DIDN'T KNOW THE MASTERS WERE EVER IN EXISTENCE IN THE FIRST PLACE! PRESENTING TO YOU FOR ONLY THE NEXT 5 MINUTES, RICK ASTELY AND SHA NA NA "I'M NEVER GONNA GIVE UP YOUR WITCH DOCTOR". HOW MUCH WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO PAY FOR THIS DUNG? $59.99? $29.99? HELL NO, MY MOM WOULDN'T EVEN GIVE ME THAT TO SHUT ME UP! NO, THIS COLLECTION IS BEING OFFERED AT THE LOW PRICE OF $1.99! YES YOU READ ME RIGHT,, $1.99! THIS WAS DUMPED IN MY GARAGE JUST 10 MINUTES AGO AND I HEARD IT AND MY EARS ARE STILL BLEEDING FROM DEPRESSION! YES, $1.99 WILL GET YOU THIS 6 SONG COLLECTION! I'LL EVEN PAY THE POSTAGE! GET IT WHILE IT'S STILL ONLY 20 FEET FROM THE TRASH COMPACTOR! ORDER NOW! PLEASE!
2. REMEMBER THE GINSU KNIVES? THOSE WONDERFUL BLADES OF SHARPLY HONED STEEL THAT WERE ABLE TO, FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON, CUT THROUGH A SOUP CAN? WELL THROW THAT 40-YEAR OLD CRAP AWAY, WE HAVE SOMETHING BETTER! HOW MUCH BETTER? DON'T RUSH ME, BOY! (cut to a Honda Civic in the mall parking lot). SEE THIS CAR? ITS LICENSE PLATE SAYS "CLASSIC ROD" JUST BECAUSE IT'S FROM 1990! DOESN'T THAT PISS YOU OFF? ISN'T IT A TRAVESTY THAT THIS FAMILY SEDAN GETS A RATING OF CLASSIC UP THERE WITH A 1966 MUSTANG? WELL I HAVE THE TOOL FOR YOU, THE WASABI-SAN 3000! YES THAT'S RIGHT, THE WASABI-SAN 3000! THIS FINEST CRAFTMANSHIP, COURTESY OF A COMBINED TEAM OF JAPANESE ENGINEERS AND JEDI MASTERS, HAS LASER PRECISION SO PRECISE THAT IT CAN CUT THROUGH THIS 20TH CENTURY TRAVESTY! WATCH CLOSELY AS MY ASSISTANT TAKES THIS SIMPLE PARING KNIFE AND CUTS RIGHT THROUGH THE CHASSIS OF THIS HONDA CIVIC! BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! IT CAN CUT THROUGH SEMIS! AIR FORCE 1! THE SPACE SHUTTLE! FORT KNOX! WE ONLY CHOSE THE CIVIC BECAUSE IT WAS ABANDONED BY A CARJACKER JUST YESTERDAY! HOW MUCH WOULD YOU EXPECT TO PAY FOR THIS FINE EXAMPLE OF INTERPLANETARY CRAFTMANSHIP? $29.99? $129.99? NO WAY JO-SE! THIS POTENTIAL MUGGING TOOL IS WORTH SO MUCH MORE, AND THAT IS WHAT WE'LL CHARGE YOU! THINK FIRST-BORN! BUT FEAR NOT, THE WASABI-SAN WILL PAY FOR ITSELF OVER TIME! JUST THINK OF THAT NEIGHBOR WHO'S HAD YOUR DRILL FOR 4 WEEKS! THINK OF THE NEIGHBOR THAT'S BEEN DRILLING YOUR WIFE! THINK OF THAT DENTIST WHO DRILLED THE WRONG TOOTH LAST YEAR! PAYBACK IS AT HAND! ORDER NOW!
3. TIRED OF BEING DEAF? TIRED OF HEARING AIDS THAT COST A FORTUNE AND DON'T LET YOU EVEN HEAR YOUR HUSBAND SNORING? LET ME ASK YOU THIS: CAN YOU DECIPHER MORSE CODE? NO? WHO CAN? WELL FEAR NOT! COMING FROM THE TECHNOLOGY OF MALWART ENGINEERS WHO COULDN'T EVEN CUT IT AT IKEA COMES THE HEARING AID OF HEARING AIDS! YES, THAT IS RIGHT! NOT ONLY WILL YOU HEAR YOUR HUSBAND SNORE, NOT ONLY WILL YOU HEAR THE NEIGHBOR'S DOG BARKING WHILE THE NEIGHBOR SCREWS HIS WIFE,NOT ONLY WILL YOU HEAR ANNOYING INFOMERCIALS LIKE THIS ONE...NOT ONLY...WHERE WAS I? OH YES! NOW, FOR THE FIRST TIME, THIS HEARING AID WILL ALSO LET YOU DECIPHER MORSE CODE! ISN'T THAT EXCITING? IF YOU'RE ON A NAVAL VESSEL AND THE CAPTAIN IS SENDING A CODED MESSAGE TO ANOTHER SHIP, YOU'LL BE ABLE TO ACT CLUELESSLY DEAF AS THE MESSAGE IS INSTANTLY DECODED FOR YOU TO TAKE TO ANY FOREIGN EMBASSY AND REQUEST ASYLUM! IT'S THAT EASY! HOW MUCH DO YOU EXPECT TO PAY FOR THIS DEVICE? $39.99? NAH, YOU'LL PAY THAT IN THE FIRST 5 MINUTES ALONE! NO, THIS BABY IS WORTH 10 TIMES THAT AND THEREFORE WE'LL TACK ON AN ADDITIONAL $50 JUST BECAUSE WE'RE GREEDY BASTARDS! BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! IF YOU ACT IN THE NEXT 48 SECONDS, WE'LL THROW IN A BOTTLE OF AUNT JEMIMA SYRUP ABSOLUTELY ALMOST FREE, JUST 75 CENTS MORE! ORDER NOW! I SAID RIGHT NOW YOU DEAF BASTARD!
So you see, my financial future is planned quite well. So well that after I am done being sued by every conceivable consumer advocate group, I might be able to afford half of that sun visor. So maybe those test patterns actually protected us rather than wasted good money. Well by golly if you order in the next minute, I'll send you a test pattern absolutely free, just pay the $75 shipping and handling.
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