I've decided to become a stand up comedian. And why not? After 12 years of marriage and 16 years of teaching, I think I have enough material to fill Godzilla's neck pillow! The only problem here is how to present myself onstage. Should I use Bob Newhart's stuttering stammering persona? Maybe Rodney Dangerfield's sweating, self-deprecation? Throw in some George Carlin straight-at-your-face brutal honesty? How about some Steven Wright monotone non sequiturs?
No, all that mixed in would get me maybe 5 minutes on Fremont Street before a zipliner sacrifices himself upon my skull! I need something fresh and guaranteed to get an audience's attention. Coming just as myself isn't such a hot idea, because I have no desire to pay money to see a short, pear-shaped, middle aged dweeb talk about marriage, fatherhood, and work, why would anyone else? I think a clever disguise as a TICKING NUCLEAR WEAPON talking about marriage, fatherhood, and work would have more appeal! Plus the "donations" would pretty much pay for my tour.
The next thing to do is get an agent. My disguise would most likely get me any agent I want. However, I think most everyone would be petrified with having a ticking bomb as a client, so I need to go with someone who has no fear of my antics, so my wife it is! She'll be fantastic because she knows how to comparison shop for everything from houses to sticks of butter.
Vickie will book me into the small venues first, and Vegas has more of those than drinkable water sources. Because, quite frankly, my "explosive" comic persona won't get on to HBO or late night talk shows right away. It'll take at least one local club to see my instant appeal. After that, to the mainstream I go, along with my entourage of Federal bomb squad nudniks!
Skipping ahead about 5 appearances on Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel, 60 Minutes, NCIS, and Cops, I am approached by all major networks to create my own TV show, told by all those ass-kissers that my routine is "dynamite!", "a ticking bomb of laughs!", "about to detonate at any moment!", and all those other cheap ploys designed to make me drool with greed. The question is, what kind of TV show should it be? All those Hollywood slime buckets think I should have a typically quirky sitcom and that Betty White should be my co-star.
Nah, those shows are a dime a dozen, I was thinking more along the lines of "Leave It To Beaver", where my Ward Cleaver-style dad would be doing more than just verbal reprimands. Or, perhaps, a game show like "Beat the Clock", where my schtick will definitely having contestants slipping on their own perspiration to make it before the clock hits 0! Even better, I think my "timing" would be put to better use as a political talk show moderator. I just know that I would get people to agree to my views using my unique chemistry.
However, I just know the ride would be over soon, as my mouth would get the worst of me. I'd start spewing my opinions all over the place. I'd be Tweeting about anything and everything, threatening to "blow away" any opposition to my views when, suddenly, my disguise is removed by some Toto-wannabe and I am exposed for the Bosc pear that I am! I'd be shamed away from the lime or lemon light for at least 45 minutes before I could pull off my next cheap publicity stunt and make my way back to the top... or at least out of the garage level where I was thrown after the disguise was removed.
So, maybe I should keep myself humble and entertain on a small scale...well, maybe a larger scale because our small scale creaks after 2 onions are put on it!
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