Sequel King at His Throne

   I've decided to take a side job. I could use the diversion, after all. Sure, I could recreate lesson plans and copy materials into the dead of night, but ripping my toenail cuticles off sounds more entertaining.

   So I've decided to make myself in charge of all movie sequels. I've sent out resumes to all of the studios and have heard from all of them. Granted, they all offered to shove a boom mike up my shorts, but this is merely a salary negotiating ploy.

   You may be asking, "What makes you qualified to be in charge of deciding on movie sequels to be made?" Well, I recently caught Anchorman 2...and from what my college- and NY Times Crossword-trained mind could gather, an ocelot approved that idea.And if an ocelot can make those decisions, I can too...er, let's move on!

   The first strategy to consider is, what movies should be greenlit for a high-budget sequel and/or remake? I think the perfect example here is "Meatballs", a 1979 Canadian "feel-good" camp comedy featuring a high-on-his-keister-from-SNL Bill Murray. In fact, his mere presence was the only thing keeping our VCR from exploding when I rented it back in 1986 from the local video store. From my subsequent research after the rental, I gathered 2 facts.

1. The lone copy I rented proceeded to gather dust until it either was taken off or "accidentally" made it into the curtained-off porn section.

2. The original spawned 3, count them, 3 sequels, most of which haven't been seen by anybody outside the screening room.

   So what, then, makes a film sequel-worthy? From what I can see, earnings are the bottom line, pure and simple. The movie moguls don't appear to research their audience. For all they know, a bunch of drunk college football players attended "Pee Wee's Big Adventure" but they couldn't remember any of it later, much less the theater they randomly chose to puke in. It doesn't matter, ticket sales are ticket sales, so the moguls approved "Big Top Pee Wee", another cassette that got into the curtained porn section.

   I think the same general strategy goes for remakes. Take Spider Man, for example, a highly successful trilogy starring Tobey Maguire as Marvel Comics's favorite web-slinging nerd. Five years after the third installment, "The Amazing Spider Man" was released! Why? Money! The first trilogy was a hit, so why not remake the 2002 hit with a new cast and angle? Same with the Incredible Hulk...one in 2003 and another complete remake 5 years later, as if the original had never been made.

   I can picture it now, I'm sitting on my Sequel Master Throne....yes THAT throne, where else can sequels be approved? I'm on a conference call with 2 of my associates.

Me: OK, what do you have for me today? (subsequent grunt)
Associate 2: We have lots of ideas for you.
Associate 1: Wait, you took my line!
Associate 2: I'm bucking for your spot.
Me: (grunting more) I don't pay you for arguing.
Associate 1: You don't pay us at all! We're interns.
Me: Oh yes . (a fine movement happens at last)Ahhh, nice! Proceed.
Associate 2: First up is "Ferris Bueller's Son's Week Off".
Me: (grunting again). Damn that Hormel!
Associate 1: Pardon sir?
Me: I meant, the original Ferris Bueller was 30 years ago. Is Broderick up for this?
Associate 2: Well...
Associate 1: We have no knowledge of anyone named Broderick.
Me: So who's playing Ferris Bueller?
Associate 2: Jason Biggs is our top pick, going by "American Pie" grosses.
Associate 1: I thought it was Jason Priestly based on "Tombstone" grosses.
Me: (following a loud plop): Denied. Next!
Associate 1 or 2: Remember "Swamp Anchorman" last year?
Me: (grunting big time) Like a Del Taco cheeseburger, why?
1 or 2: It grossed $52.67 above the total cost.
Me: (huge movement happening)Yeah baby!
1: Cool isn't it?
Me: What? Oh, yeah, right, the movie. What was it's final cost?
2: $15,000
Me: It was at theatres?
1: Good one, sir. No, anything with Steven Seagal is now straight to Netflix.
2: And Seagal pretty much works for Slurpees now.
Me: And he wants to do a sequel?
2: What can we say? Slurpees rock.
Me: If he agrees to one kid size a day, let's set the budget at $5,000
1 or 2: He also wants a Slim Jim per week.
Me: No! Who does he think this studio is? These damn celebrities think they own the world! We have to draw the line somewhere.
1 and 2: You rock, boss!
Me: Grunt!!
1 and 2: You grunt, boss!

   Well, judging from that possible scenario, I think we can make some decent, simple, and hopefully unseen sequels. That way I won't get sued for puke in the theatre lobby.