I've decided to take a side job. I could use the diversion, after all. Sure, I could recreate lesson plans and copy materials into the dead of night, but ripping my toenail cuticles off sounds more entertaining.
So I've decided to make myself in charge of all movie sequels. I've sent out resumes to all of the studios and have heard from all of them. Granted, they all offered to shove a boom mike up my shorts, but this is merely a salary negotiating ploy.
You may be asking, "What makes you qualified to be in charge of deciding on movie sequels to be made?" Well, I recently caught Anchorman 2...and from what my college- and NY Times Crossword-trained mind could gather, an ocelot approved that idea.And if an ocelot can make those decisions, I can too...er, let's move on!
The first strategy to consider is, what movies should be greenlit for a high-budget sequel and/or remake? I think the perfect example here is "Meatballs", a 1979 Canadian "feel-good" camp comedy featuring a high-on-his-keister-from-SNL Bill Murray. In fact, his mere presence was the only thing keeping our VCR from exploding when I rented it back in 1986 from the local video store. From my subsequent research after the rental, I gathered 2 facts.
1. The lone copy I rented proceeded to gather dust until it either was taken off or "accidentally" made it into the curtained-off porn section.
2. The original spawned 3, count them, 3 sequels, most of which haven't been seen by anybody outside the screening room.
So what, then, makes a film sequel-worthy? From what I can see, earnings are the bottom line, pure and simple. The movie moguls don't appear to research their audience. For all they know, a bunch of drunk college football players attended "Pee Wee's Big Adventure" but they couldn't remember any of it later, much less the theater they randomly chose to puke in. It doesn't matter, ticket sales are ticket sales, so the moguls approved "Big Top Pee Wee", another cassette that got into the curtained porn section.
I think the same general strategy goes for remakes. Take Spider Man, for example, a highly successful trilogy starring Tobey Maguire as Marvel Comics's favorite web-slinging nerd. Five years after the third installment, "The Amazing Spider Man" was released! Why? Money! The first trilogy was a hit, so why not remake the 2002 hit with a new cast and angle? Same with the Incredible Hulk...one in 2003 and another complete remake 5 years later, as if the original had never been made.
I can picture it now, I'm sitting on my Sequel Master Throne....yes THAT throne, where else can sequels be approved? I'm on a conference call with 2 of my associates.
Me: OK, what do you have for me today? (subsequent grunt)
Associate 2: We have lots of ideas for you.
Associate 1: Wait, you took my line!
Associate 2: I'm bucking for your spot.
Me: (grunting more) I don't pay you for arguing.
Associate 1: You don't pay us at all! We're interns.
Me: Oh yes . (a fine movement happens at last)Ahhh, nice! Proceed.
Associate 2: First up is "Ferris Bueller's Son's Week Off".
Me: (grunting again). Damn that Hormel!
Associate 1: Pardon sir?
Me: I meant, the original Ferris Bueller was 30 years ago. Is Broderick up for this?
Associate 2: Well...
Associate 1: We have no knowledge of anyone named Broderick.
Me: So who's playing Ferris Bueller?
Associate 2: Jason Biggs is our top pick, going by "American Pie" grosses.
Associate 1: I thought it was Jason Priestly based on "Tombstone" grosses.
Me: (following a loud plop): Denied. Next!
Associate 1 or 2: Remember "Swamp Anchorman" last year?
Me: (grunting big time) Like a Del Taco cheeseburger, why?
1 or 2: It grossed $52.67 above the total cost.
Me: (huge movement happening)Yeah baby!
1: Cool isn't it?
Me: What? Oh, yeah, right, the movie. What was it's final cost?
2: $15,000
Me: It was at theatres?
1: Good one, sir. No, anything with Steven Seagal is now straight to Netflix.
2: And Seagal pretty much works for Slurpees now.
Me: And he wants to do a sequel?
2: What can we say? Slurpees rock.
Me: If he agrees to one kid size a day, let's set the budget at $5,000
1 or 2: He also wants a Slim Jim per week.
Me: No! Who does he think this studio is? These damn celebrities think they own the world! We have to draw the line somewhere.
1 and 2: You rock, boss!
Me: Grunt!!
1 and 2: You grunt, boss!
Well, judging from that possible scenario, I think we can make some decent, simple, and hopefully unseen sequels. That way I won't get sued for puke in the theatre lobby.
Friday, October 30, 2015
Monday, October 12, 2015
And a goal full of jelly
It's October at the workplace. That means the smell of pumpkin latte farts! It means September the dreaded first month is now done. It means it is cooling off (southwesterners, this does not apply to you). It means it is the time for....goal-setting!
What? Yes, you heard me, it is goal-setting time. This is the time of year when we teachers are supposed to set goals to attain during the year. We've been doing it this way for 2 or 3 years now. Basically what happens is, we as teachers are supposed to decide what we want to accomplish for the year. Well, when you think about it our goals are simple
1. Stay out of rehab until mid June
2. Keep from calling strategic air strikes on parents who don't respond to our calls and emails regarding their kids' futures as fry salters.
3. Either get the salaries to just below the tax hike line or below the food stamps limit, either will work.
Now I'm not getting into the salary debate, it is a no-win. However, if you want to pay babysitting wages, $10 per hour per kid, I think you'll find that hiking us up the salary food chain is quite reasonable after all.
Anyhow, we are not allowed such realistic goals. Instead, a transmission sent from Krypton, just after it jettisoned Superman, landed on Earth last year with a whole set of "attainable and measurable goals". This pretty much means more work for us as we decide what we can attain and measure in 6 months when we meet with the boss to see what was attained and measured. It's not like the old days when our goals were determined for us. My goals were pretty straightforward:
1. Bryan's toenail clippings shall land no more than 5 inches from the trash can.
2. Bryan shall remember that he is a (barely) licensed professional and not come to the workplace with mustard stains on his forehead.
3. Bryan will strive to directly teach his students at least for 20 minutes a week using district-approved materials at least in the morning.
4. Bryan shall refrain from psychological torture by exposing the students to goofy Stan Freberg comedy bits.
No, seriously, the real goals were attainable and occasionally measured. The problem was, they were often measured at "off" moments. My first few years as a teacher probably had more off moments than a dead cell phone. Face it, teaching is not a profession that a "Dummies" book can help one master, although between 2002-2005 I probably could have used one.
The California college system had some strange methods of teaching the educators-to-be. Instead of practical advice and knowledge that would help us to immediately know what to do upon signing our first W-4 forms as teachers, they strove to make us independent thinkers, to "think outside the box" in order to be stellar teachers who would rise to fame and receive international acclaim as universal geniuses at teaching 50 different ways to add 2+3.
The problem here is that those methods turn the brain into a bowl of moldy currant jelly. We attended these classes at night, many of us working jobs in the daytime as well. Our brains were already jelly-like in terms of the high carb counts needed to keep us awake past 7! What we needed were classes such as:
Ed 101: Staying out of rehab until mid June
Ed 102: Planning field trips to Nolde Forest for most of the elementary years and not make them seem like retreads
Ed 103: How to become a fun yet useful teacher the kids will remember
Ed 104 How to make watching "The Electric Company" a vital phonics program
Instead we got things like,
Ed101: How to spend hours designing a 15-minute lesson
Ed102: Taking the fun out of using textbooks by removing them altogether and making you find the materials and copy them when there isn't a working copier for miles around
Ed103: The facts of education: say goodbye to a regular sex life
Ed104: Guilting your former ideas of teaching away
Getting the picture? When I finally got out of northern California like Luke and the gang from Jabba's exploding stronghold, and into Las Vegas with a school already assigned to me (er, vice versa on that one) and an apartment waiting for my farts, I was virtually clueless about what to do first. Despite 3 days of orientation (during which I was interviewed on TV for the 6:00 news), I learned nothing about being a teacher and more about desert skin survival for women and cute little crafts that my lefty nature has no way of accomplishing.
What I came to realize after a few years was, the orientation crew had no idea how to make us feel like teachers because they'd probably screwed up meeting their goals as well. They don't do that fancy schmancy orientation crap anymore probably because the district realized they were screwing up the plebes far too early. When I got to my assignment, I noticed a lot of cliqueyness among the veterans. I realized later that it wasn't out of a lack of friendliness, it was survival instinct in a war zone...and as I wasn't ever in a clique, I was pretty much alone in that zone...and had no clue as to proceed. Putting me on the 5th grade front lines 2 years later was like putting Klink on the Russian front on "Hogan's Heroes".
Despite ups and downs in a normally up and down profession, I've come to a point of semi-comfort in my career, maybe too semi-comfortable. That's why we have to make these goals...comfort leads to complacency and complacency leads to a smugness that is dangerous in terms of having embarrassing "off" moments, often happening when scheduled for an observation.
Observation (noun): a random moment when your supervisor comes with with an iPad just as you finish telling about a dark era called "corporal punishment" to the kids, merely to let them know how lucky they are to live now...and the supervisor then types everything you say, notes every eye twitch and sweat stain on the armpit...and you have to justify every sweat bead and connect it to a learning standard during a later conference.
In conclusion, my real inner goals are to be the best teacher I can be and for my kids to remember me fondly, something I can positively predict as reality more than 10 years ago. On paper, it's more specific, but pretty close, just in "edu-speak", a language also originated from a Kryptonian ship...now if you'll excuse me, I'll finish typing up my goals, then see if Betty Ford has a June 15 opening...that is if my food stamps application is turned down!
What? Yes, you heard me, it is goal-setting time. This is the time of year when we teachers are supposed to set goals to attain during the year. We've been doing it this way for 2 or 3 years now. Basically what happens is, we as teachers are supposed to decide what we want to accomplish for the year. Well, when you think about it our goals are simple
1. Stay out of rehab until mid June
2. Keep from calling strategic air strikes on parents who don't respond to our calls and emails regarding their kids' futures as fry salters.
3. Either get the salaries to just below the tax hike line or below the food stamps limit, either will work.
Now I'm not getting into the salary debate, it is a no-win. However, if you want to pay babysitting wages, $10 per hour per kid, I think you'll find that hiking us up the salary food chain is quite reasonable after all.
Anyhow, we are not allowed such realistic goals. Instead, a transmission sent from Krypton, just after it jettisoned Superman, landed on Earth last year with a whole set of "attainable and measurable goals". This pretty much means more work for us as we decide what we can attain and measure in 6 months when we meet with the boss to see what was attained and measured. It's not like the old days when our goals were determined for us. My goals were pretty straightforward:
1. Bryan's toenail clippings shall land no more than 5 inches from the trash can.
2. Bryan shall remember that he is a (barely) licensed professional and not come to the workplace with mustard stains on his forehead.
3. Bryan will strive to directly teach his students at least for 20 minutes a week using district-approved materials at least in the morning.
4. Bryan shall refrain from psychological torture by exposing the students to goofy Stan Freberg comedy bits.
No, seriously, the real goals were attainable and occasionally measured. The problem was, they were often measured at "off" moments. My first few years as a teacher probably had more off moments than a dead cell phone. Face it, teaching is not a profession that a "Dummies" book can help one master, although between 2002-2005 I probably could have used one.
The California college system had some strange methods of teaching the educators-to-be. Instead of practical advice and knowledge that would help us to immediately know what to do upon signing our first W-4 forms as teachers, they strove to make us independent thinkers, to "think outside the box" in order to be stellar teachers who would rise to fame and receive international acclaim as universal geniuses at teaching 50 different ways to add 2+3.
The problem here is that those methods turn the brain into a bowl of moldy currant jelly. We attended these classes at night, many of us working jobs in the daytime as well. Our brains were already jelly-like in terms of the high carb counts needed to keep us awake past 7! What we needed were classes such as:
Ed 101: Staying out of rehab until mid June
Ed 102: Planning field trips to Nolde Forest for most of the elementary years and not make them seem like retreads
Ed 103: How to become a fun yet useful teacher the kids will remember
Ed 104 How to make watching "The Electric Company" a vital phonics program
Instead we got things like,
Ed101: How to spend hours designing a 15-minute lesson
Ed102: Taking the fun out of using textbooks by removing them altogether and making you find the materials and copy them when there isn't a working copier for miles around
Ed103: The facts of education: say goodbye to a regular sex life
Ed104: Guilting your former ideas of teaching away
Getting the picture? When I finally got out of northern California like Luke and the gang from Jabba's exploding stronghold, and into Las Vegas with a school already assigned to me (er, vice versa on that one) and an apartment waiting for my farts, I was virtually clueless about what to do first. Despite 3 days of orientation (during which I was interviewed on TV for the 6:00 news), I learned nothing about being a teacher and more about desert skin survival for women and cute little crafts that my lefty nature has no way of accomplishing.
What I came to realize after a few years was, the orientation crew had no idea how to make us feel like teachers because they'd probably screwed up meeting their goals as well. They don't do that fancy schmancy orientation crap anymore probably because the district realized they were screwing up the plebes far too early. When I got to my assignment, I noticed a lot of cliqueyness among the veterans. I realized later that it wasn't out of a lack of friendliness, it was survival instinct in a war zone...and as I wasn't ever in a clique, I was pretty much alone in that zone...and had no clue as to proceed. Putting me on the 5th grade front lines 2 years later was like putting Klink on the Russian front on "Hogan's Heroes".
Despite ups and downs in a normally up and down profession, I've come to a point of semi-comfort in my career, maybe too semi-comfortable. That's why we have to make these goals...comfort leads to complacency and complacency leads to a smugness that is dangerous in terms of having embarrassing "off" moments, often happening when scheduled for an observation.
Observation (noun): a random moment when your supervisor comes with with an iPad just as you finish telling about a dark era called "corporal punishment" to the kids, merely to let them know how lucky they are to live now...and the supervisor then types everything you say, notes every eye twitch and sweat stain on the armpit...and you have to justify every sweat bead and connect it to a learning standard during a later conference.
In conclusion, my real inner goals are to be the best teacher I can be and for my kids to remember me fondly, something I can positively predict as reality more than 10 years ago. On paper, it's more specific, but pretty close, just in "edu-speak", a language also originated from a Kryptonian ship...now if you'll excuse me, I'll finish typing up my goals, then see if Betty Ford has a June 15 opening...that is if my food stamps application is turned down!
Monday, October 5, 2015
New/Old America...I always like oldies but goodies
So once again I was listening to AM radio coming home from work. You may say, "Bryan you are becoming an old fart, listening to that garbage!" As I fart in response, I also point out that FM radio has become its own corporate joke. I once enjoyed the oldies station because there was a range of oldies years, at least 20 years ago. It was once 1955-75. As time went on, the early base got later as did the recent cap. Now I am lucky if I hear any late 60s and if I do it is all repetitive. It all is. Even when my wife puts on the metal station, I hear a lot of the same songs, some old, some within the last ten years. Rarely do we hear a plethora of the new...so generally when my wife is in the car, her music is played on the phone. If it is just me, I play AM talk.
It is indeed nothing to get riled up over, but I do get some tidbits that the regular news leaves out, and as a lot of my FB friends post the extreme left or right repetitive shares about the evil right or evil left, AM talk is my source for items of interest. 20 years ago I listened often to Rush Limbaugh before I realized the Emergency Broadcast System had a higher IQ, and he was so far on the right his views were even out of my right-side peripheral vision. In fact, I think he contributed to me supporting Clinton because he tried to argue every good thing Clinton was doing was bad because of the ongoing scandals. Like Limbaugh's party had a clean record! So, I left AM radio for quite a long time.
In the past few years I've picked it up again. One station has a lot of good local talk and it is not one side or the other, it criticizes pretty much everyone who does or says something boneheaded....which is pretty much anybody in a position of national power anymore. I don't take their word as the truth, I do look up what they said before I stick my neck out...but then hours later I share a scam post that my wife's uncle shared, so you know my research brain cells are selective.
Sadly, what I get from all the talk is that we are in a new America, and I don't like it much. I am not quite sure when we evolved into this monster, but I think 9/11 was the culprit. Change always happens: I see different classes every year, businesses come and go, as do colleagues and, sadly, friends, either by death or plain old time and distance. I accept all this as life in motion. But there is a darkness now that is scary, and it has spread into all facets of American life.
Education
In the days of film projectors and ditto machines, school was a place where we learned the basics, and we learned them with regular sunshine, semi-decent lunches, rough recess, and teachers who had a say in how they taught the material. Coming from the receiving end to the giving end, I have seen the "Central Committee" in D.C. put their politicized hands into matters they have no idea about. Granted, something happened between 1991 and 2002 that made these disasters come about. First there was "No Child Left Behind", a political measure designed to drive teachers crazy and then out of the business altogether. The basic concept, as I understood it, was to have teachers promote their kids all the way up to 5th grade despite the fact they couldn't read even "Curious George" all the way through by 4th grade. It was then my job to bring them up 5 grade-levels in reading and math before they joined their middle school gangs, or I was considered an ineffective teacher.
Then they brought about the Common Core, which was in theory a way to combine all extant teaching standards into a consolidated and doable yearly teaching plan. The reality was, they wanted to twist all accepted math and reading teaching methods into a undecipherable mix of gob and blob that when microwaved turned into an Obama bobble-head toy. And somewhere in the mix, teachers had to explain why their kids weren't getting it. Yes, parents are only responsible for over-sugaring their kid and giving them technology too early, but not responsible for reading to and with their kids.
Food
At one time, we ate and drank whatever we wanted, got our exercise, then dumped whatever we ingested. The system worked. I downed quite a load of sugar in the form of crumb buns and Tastykake jelly krimpets, and nitrates in the form of hot dogs on a daily basis. Of course, I also played with my friends and rode my bike often so I worked off what I ate, at least in the younger years.
Along the way, some strange things happened. Butter became evil and vegetable oil-based margarine became healthy. Low-fat snacks with enough chemicals to create the Joker many times over were considered to be healthy between-meal treats. And then people named Atkins, Oz, Scarecrow,Tin Man, and South Beach all came forward telling us how to eat right. It was all, and still is, confusing. Butter came back into vogue and bacon got popular for some reason. I honestly don't know what to make of it.
Fear
Simply said, there was one thing we as Americans used to fear, and that was Communism. Growing up in the 80s, we as kids didn't really understand what is was, we just "knew" it was what the evil Soviets practiced, and anything Soviet was bad; that is, until Reagan "tamed" them and their benevolent leader Gorbachev. When the Berlin Wall fell, and likewise the Soviet Union 2 years later, we felt victorious. However, that victory was shadowed by Saddam Hussein the year previous, when gas shot up over $1 a gallon for the first time in forever. As time moved, so did villains that were subdued under the Soviets. By the time the new century/millenium was in full gear, we encountered the greatest challenge yet: Survivor! No, seriously, it was 9/11/2001, when a terrorist attack on U.S,. soil stunned us beyond belief. Since then, we as a nation have gradually become afraid of offending anyone, lest they hurt us individually or as a nation. The trouble is, even if we walk on eggshells, we are in no less danger. We also seem to be afraid to rise against offensive government acts that take away our basic freedoms in exchange for "safety". I feel no safer after 14 years than a Prius on the Autobahn!
I prefer the old America, although my eyes are more open to the old realities now. As kids we cared only about TV cartoons, biking in the neighborhood, the newest Atari or Coleco game, and when the newest Star Wars, Star Trek, or Indiana Jones movie was coming out. I'd go back and invest in sure-fire companies like Coca Cola and Apple, to make sure my family was financially secure. Who knows, maybe I'd even start my own AM talk show and discuss our basic freedoms...life, liberty and the pursuit of "Sea of Love" on the oldies station once in a while!
It is indeed nothing to get riled up over, but I do get some tidbits that the regular news leaves out, and as a lot of my FB friends post the extreme left or right repetitive shares about the evil right or evil left, AM talk is my source for items of interest. 20 years ago I listened often to Rush Limbaugh before I realized the Emergency Broadcast System had a higher IQ, and he was so far on the right his views were even out of my right-side peripheral vision. In fact, I think he contributed to me supporting Clinton because he tried to argue every good thing Clinton was doing was bad because of the ongoing scandals. Like Limbaugh's party had a clean record! So, I left AM radio for quite a long time.
In the past few years I've picked it up again. One station has a lot of good local talk and it is not one side or the other, it criticizes pretty much everyone who does or says something boneheaded....which is pretty much anybody in a position of national power anymore. I don't take their word as the truth, I do look up what they said before I stick my neck out...but then hours later I share a scam post that my wife's uncle shared, so you know my research brain cells are selective.
Sadly, what I get from all the talk is that we are in a new America, and I don't like it much. I am not quite sure when we evolved into this monster, but I think 9/11 was the culprit. Change always happens: I see different classes every year, businesses come and go, as do colleagues and, sadly, friends, either by death or plain old time and distance. I accept all this as life in motion. But there is a darkness now that is scary, and it has spread into all facets of American life.
Education
In the days of film projectors and ditto machines, school was a place where we learned the basics, and we learned them with regular sunshine, semi-decent lunches, rough recess, and teachers who had a say in how they taught the material. Coming from the receiving end to the giving end, I have seen the "Central Committee" in D.C. put their politicized hands into matters they have no idea about. Granted, something happened between 1991 and 2002 that made these disasters come about. First there was "No Child Left Behind", a political measure designed to drive teachers crazy and then out of the business altogether. The basic concept, as I understood it, was to have teachers promote their kids all the way up to 5th grade despite the fact they couldn't read even "Curious George" all the way through by 4th grade. It was then my job to bring them up 5 grade-levels in reading and math before they joined their middle school gangs, or I was considered an ineffective teacher.
Then they brought about the Common Core, which was in theory a way to combine all extant teaching standards into a consolidated and doable yearly teaching plan. The reality was, they wanted to twist all accepted math and reading teaching methods into a undecipherable mix of gob and blob that when microwaved turned into an Obama bobble-head toy. And somewhere in the mix, teachers had to explain why their kids weren't getting it. Yes, parents are only responsible for over-sugaring their kid and giving them technology too early, but not responsible for reading to and with their kids.
Food
At one time, we ate and drank whatever we wanted, got our exercise, then dumped whatever we ingested. The system worked. I downed quite a load of sugar in the form of crumb buns and Tastykake jelly krimpets, and nitrates in the form of hot dogs on a daily basis. Of course, I also played with my friends and rode my bike often so I worked off what I ate, at least in the younger years.
Along the way, some strange things happened. Butter became evil and vegetable oil-based margarine became healthy. Low-fat snacks with enough chemicals to create the Joker many times over were considered to be healthy between-meal treats. And then people named Atkins, Oz, Scarecrow,Tin Man, and South Beach all came forward telling us how to eat right. It was all, and still is, confusing. Butter came back into vogue and bacon got popular for some reason. I honestly don't know what to make of it.
Fear
Simply said, there was one thing we as Americans used to fear, and that was Communism. Growing up in the 80s, we as kids didn't really understand what is was, we just "knew" it was what the evil Soviets practiced, and anything Soviet was bad; that is, until Reagan "tamed" them and their benevolent leader Gorbachev. When the Berlin Wall fell, and likewise the Soviet Union 2 years later, we felt victorious. However, that victory was shadowed by Saddam Hussein the year previous, when gas shot up over $1 a gallon for the first time in forever. As time moved, so did villains that were subdued under the Soviets. By the time the new century/millenium was in full gear, we encountered the greatest challenge yet: Survivor! No, seriously, it was 9/11/2001, when a terrorist attack on U.S,. soil stunned us beyond belief. Since then, we as a nation have gradually become afraid of offending anyone, lest they hurt us individually or as a nation. The trouble is, even if we walk on eggshells, we are in no less danger. We also seem to be afraid to rise against offensive government acts that take away our basic freedoms in exchange for "safety". I feel no safer after 14 years than a Prius on the Autobahn!
I prefer the old America, although my eyes are more open to the old realities now. As kids we cared only about TV cartoons, biking in the neighborhood, the newest Atari or Coleco game, and when the newest Star Wars, Star Trek, or Indiana Jones movie was coming out. I'd go back and invest in sure-fire companies like Coca Cola and Apple, to make sure my family was financially secure. Who knows, maybe I'd even start my own AM talk show and discuss our basic freedoms...life, liberty and the pursuit of "Sea of Love" on the oldies station once in a while!
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