Santa's Agent

One of my favorite comedians of all time is Bob Newhart. Not really because of his shows, which were indeed funny in their own right, but I mean his comedy albums. His style was that of a conversation between two people, but you heard only 1 side of it with lots of pauses in between. So, I was thinking about writing something in his style.

I was watching a special on Johnny Carson and I noted just how sweet a deal that guy got over time. Eventually, he got to work only 3 days a week and got to own all of his show's tapes. On top of that, he got the network to stop airing reruns of The Tonight Show on weekends. Saturday Night Live can thank him for that, though I don't anymore!

I then got to thinking about Santa Claus and just how sweet a deal he has now. And how does one get sweet deals? Well, if he is worth his salt, it's their agent. So I came to wonder what it would be like if Santa Claus wanted to change the best deal in the world and I came up with this.

Santa Baby, what’s happening?

Ok, sorry, I figured if Eartha Kitt and Madonna both made it a hit, you’d be flattered.

Fine, whatever, I won’t say it anymore. Touchy today, aren't we? So, what can I do for you?

A new contract? Look, Santa, I don’t know what else you could want. I mean, you have the sweetest deal in the world, better than Johnny ever got!

Johnny Carson. He only had to work 3 times a week for the last 10 or so years he was on TV and made millions each year.

Uh huh, yeah. Well look, you pay me to be your agent and I want you to get the best deal possible. You believe that, right?

Good. Well, you HAVE the best deal anyone could imagine. Look at it! You work one night a year. What else could you possibly want?

Change of diet? Well, what do you mean?

You were watching Dr. Oz, I see. Look, Santa, you’ve been around for a while, I don’t think lowering your carbs is gonna make your life longer or shorter, given that you’re a magical being.

No, I don’t think expensive vitamin supplements will make a difference.

(sighs) Santa, listen, I don’t think the kids will be impressed if you’re a spokesperson for Jenny Craig, you know? Just stick with the cookies, cakes, hot cocoa, all of it. Trust me, your clientele doesn’t like change.

Weight-lifting? No, try to imagine the Coca Cola ads with a buff Santa. First, it looks stupid, second, it sends a bad image to kids, like soda will build muscles. Third, nobody wants presents from Schwartzesanta!

Ok, good. Everything else fine?

What about the sleigh?

Well, yeah, I’d say you’re definitely green on the power. After all, you have nine flying reindeer, that’s as green as you can get.

Would that be good to advertise? No, no, I think the people will accuse you of false advertising if you tell them to use reindeer power. It’s that North Pole magic, you know? Nowhere else does it happen.

More reindeer? Uh, no. People have enough trouble remembering eight, then having to add in Rudolph, depending on where you live. Then someone will have to make up a song.

What’s wrong with that? You listen to the Christmas music stations? We have more than enough songs, and different artists covering each one. It's repetitive as it is!

Well you try hearing Wham, Wings, and Air Supply 8 times a day each!

All right, all right, what’s your new little guy’s name?

Sylvester? No no, each reindeer has to have two syllables, so it keeps the beat. Dasher, Prancer, Comet, Blitzen, even Rudolph has 2 syllables.

Look, let's keep it at nine for now, all right? Anything else?

The store Santas are giving you a bad rep? OK, well, the stores hire the bums, not much we can do on that note. Seasonal work, you know?

I know, but you see, a lot of kids see different Santas each year, I think they know they're not you, but one of your helpers.

Well, your real helpers are busy making toys, not enough of them to spread around stores, malls, and street corners.

No, you can't sue. As a magical entity, you don't have the power to bring suit against every business that displeases you. Look, Santa, I'm headed to lunch with the Tooth Fairy in 10, so let's wrap this up.

Mrs. Claus? What about her?

She wants to be more visible? (sigh) No, no, look, that marriage just quells any rumors, you know?

Rumors about your masculinity. I know, it didn't matter for a long time, but modern times made it necessary.

No, I think she can just help fatten you up and make underwear and socks for the kids.

Yeah yeah, I know, kids don't look forward to opening that crap, nobody does! But it gives her something to do.

No, please, don't TMI me on what she does the rest of the year.

(whistles) Shes does? Wow, sounds like we found you a winner, way to go! (chuckle) Sounds like you're not bored for 364 days anyway.

OK, let's wrap this up. No change in diet, no vitamins, no workout, no further exposure for the Mrs, she's done that for you enough already. No new reindeer and no reindeer power advertising. In exchange you keep your one day a year work day, way down from more than 50, but you did that one to yourself. You have the best home/toy factory on the planet without an HOA, better than the old dump in East Rutherford. Also, you have the cheeriest work force bordering on slave labor, not to mention a hot-trotting wife now.

I thought it would sound good if I laid it out for you like that. Hey, gotta go. The Tooth Fairy has his gripes, too, but I gotta remind him he's locked in for 1 more millenium. Night!