I'll Write a Review You Can't Refuse!

Once again I delve into book review mode. This happens so infrequently that I think if someone actually reads it, We'll have Spring 6 weeks earlier. Although in Vegas that doesn't mean much.

Recently I picked up a copy of The Godfather by Mario Puzo, published in 1969, 3 years before the movie. I'd seen the movie several times and in fact own it (a copy of the movie, not the rights). As usual, I like to read source material for movies and often find the source to be more entertaining or at least more detailed. This was no exception!

The book is quite graphic of both violent and sexual scenes, and it gives a background on most if not all of the characters. I won't go too into depth, because I want my 2 readers (on a lucky day!) to get the book and read it themselves.

Don Vito Corleone: you can practically see Marlon Brando as you read the book, they kept true to the book when making the film. Most of his lines are the same. The history of his character is included and was used in The Godfather 2. His morals are strong, and he believes that the law of the land is flawed and broken, so he has his own laws.

Santino(Sonny) Corleone: an explosive character who acts before he thinks. One more, his character was kept intact in the film in both personality and lines.

Fredo Corleone: a weak individual kept mostly intact in the movie. A perfect example of a black sheep. He failed to protect his father from getting shot, then got sent to Las Vegas for his own protection and made trouble for himself there.

Michael Corleone: Once again, I can see Al Pacino as I read the novel. He wants to be his own man without Family help, but the attempted murder of Vito brings out his loyalty and he is willing to go all out to protect his people. In the course of the story, he moves his wounded father to a different hospital room to avoid a murder attempt, kills the gangster and police bodyguard who plotted Vito's death, marries and loses a young Sicilian wife, and loses his brother Santino. All of this hardens Michael traumatically, and he has no trouble ordering the deaths of all who threaten his family when he becomes the new Don.

Constanzia (Connie) Corleone Rizzi: a spoiled daughter who suffers abuse at the hands of her husband. A minor book character but kept intact in the movie.

Tom Hagen: Don Vito's consigliere. He is loyal to the Don and is an effective peacetime lawyer, but lacks the savvy for wartime negotiations. A scene not included in the movie where Tom comes to get Kay and the kids after they fled to New Hampshire following Carlo Rizzi's murder shows how far Tom will go to help keep the Family together, even divulging taboo secrets.

Mama Corleone: a loving, forceful woman who never talks about business with Vito, but knows everything about him. She goes to church frequently to pray for Vito's soul. She also tries to convince Kay to move on with her life after Michael disappears.

Carlo Rizzi: Connie's abusive and womanizing husband who helps to set up Sonny to get killed. He wants a place in the Corleone business, but is a lowlife and everyone knows it. A scene referred to in the book but not in the movie has Carlo hitting Connie on their wedding night to get hold of the cash gifts they were given.

Kay Adams: Michael's girlfriend and lover.  She is curious about the Family and its real business. A warm and open woman, she holds out for Michael while he is away in Sicily. She becomes a Catholic after marrying Michael so she can pray for his soul the way Mama Corleone prays for Vito's soul.

Luca Brasi: Don Vito's violent henchman for dirty jobs. A background for him is supplied that portray him as a monster. Don Vito uses him only when necessary. The gangster Solozzo knows Luca is a threat so he has Luca killed first.

Johnny Fontane: Don Vito's godson.  A singer whose failing voice is hurting his singing career. In the book, his story is larger. He becomes a successful movie star and then producer and eventually gets his voice back thanks to a brilliant surgeon.

Nino Valenti: a talented musician in his own right, he lacks Johnny's success for a long time until Johnny brings him out to California to work for him. Nino is Johnny's friend, but there is a rivalry that Johnny is unaware of until Nino is dying. Nino is not in the movie.

Jack Woltz: a sleazy and pompous movie producer who wants to ruin Johnny Fontane's career. He also likes to screw preteen girls (kept out of the movie). His prized horse's head in his bed is the beginning of Woltz's ruin.

Lucy Mancini: Sonny's extramarital love affair. In the book, her story is expanded upon. After Sonny is killed, she is sent to Las Vegas to work. She meets a brilliant and matter-of-fact doctor named Jules Segal who has her labia tightened to better feel pleasure. They fall in love afterward.

Dr. Jules Segal: A brilliant and matter-of-fact doctor who performs abortions for strippers/dancers in Las Vegas. He does this so that he can be a surgeon. He helps Lucy Mancini get over her grief over Sonny, gets her labia fixed so she can feel pleasure easier, and takes care of Johnny Fontane's throat problems. He also predicts Nino Valenti's death from diabetes. Jules in a way is my favorite character because of his friendly but brutal honesty regarding diagnoses. He has a contempt for Hollywood doctors who do nothing except to help patients mask the pain. Jules also helps to fix Michael's face. He is not in the movie.

Solazzo: a gangster who wants the Corleones to help bankroll him and get the politicians to cooperate. When Vito refuses, Solazzo kills Luca Brasi then tries to have Vito killed so he can reason with Sonny and Tom.

Captain Mark McCluskey: a crooked cop who does freelance side jobs, including being a bodyguard for Solazzo. He gives Michael a powerful blow to the face leaving quite a mark for years.

Peter Clemenza: Vito's caporegime (captain) and friend. He recruits reliable soldiers to help carry out Vito's orders.

Tessio: another old friend and caporegime of Vito's, He is loyal to Vito but wary of Michael's succession and becomes a reluctant traitor.

Paulie Gatto: one of Clemenza's soldiers. He is at first a loyal soldier, but soon sells Vito out to Solazzo. Sonny has Paulie killed. A scene not included in the movie has Paulie and 2 other soldiers beating the crap out of 2 boys who beat and raped a daughter of a man who asked Vito to avenge her attack.

Overall, the movie is true to the book. The movie, of course, is from 1972 and there were certain book scenes to graphic for the times even when rated R. The book is an easy 563 page read and I never wanted to put it down so I could sleep or eat or go to the store. I recommend it to anyone 17 or older.

Santa's Agent

One of my favorite comedians of all time is Bob Newhart. Not really because of his shows, which were indeed funny in their own right, but I mean his comedy albums. His style was that of a conversation between two people, but you heard only 1 side of it with lots of pauses in between. So, I was thinking about writing something in his style.

I was watching a special on Johnny Carson and I noted just how sweet a deal that guy got over time. Eventually, he got to work only 3 days a week and got to own all of his show's tapes. On top of that, he got the network to stop airing reruns of The Tonight Show on weekends. Saturday Night Live can thank him for that, though I don't anymore!

I then got to thinking about Santa Claus and just how sweet a deal he has now. And how does one get sweet deals? Well, if he is worth his salt, it's their agent. So I came to wonder what it would be like if Santa Claus wanted to change the best deal in the world and I came up with this.

Santa Baby, what’s happening?

Ok, sorry, I figured if Eartha Kitt and Madonna both made it a hit, you’d be flattered.

Fine, whatever, I won’t say it anymore. Touchy today, aren't we? So, what can I do for you?

A new contract? Look, Santa, I don’t know what else you could want. I mean, you have the sweetest deal in the world, better than Johnny ever got!

Johnny Carson. He only had to work 3 times a week for the last 10 or so years he was on TV and made millions each year.

Uh huh, yeah. Well look, you pay me to be your agent and I want you to get the best deal possible. You believe that, right?

Good. Well, you HAVE the best deal anyone could imagine. Look at it! You work one night a year. What else could you possibly want?

Change of diet? Well, what do you mean?

You were watching Dr. Oz, I see. Look, Santa, you’ve been around for a while, I don’t think lowering your carbs is gonna make your life longer or shorter, given that you’re a magical being.

No, I don’t think expensive vitamin supplements will make a difference.

(sighs) Santa, listen, I don’t think the kids will be impressed if you’re a spokesperson for Jenny Craig, you know? Just stick with the cookies, cakes, hot cocoa, all of it. Trust me, your clientele doesn’t like change.

Weight-lifting? No, try to imagine the Coca Cola ads with a buff Santa. First, it looks stupid, second, it sends a bad image to kids, like soda will build muscles. Third, nobody wants presents from Schwartzesanta!

Ok, good. Everything else fine?

What about the sleigh?

Well, yeah, I’d say you’re definitely green on the power. After all, you have nine flying reindeer, that’s as green as you can get.

Would that be good to advertise? No, no, I think the people will accuse you of false advertising if you tell them to use reindeer power. It’s that North Pole magic, you know? Nowhere else does it happen.

More reindeer? Uh, no. People have enough trouble remembering eight, then having to add in Rudolph, depending on where you live. Then someone will have to make up a song.

What’s wrong with that? You listen to the Christmas music stations? We have more than enough songs, and different artists covering each one. It's repetitive as it is!

Well you try hearing Wham, Wings, and Air Supply 8 times a day each!

All right, all right, what’s your new little guy’s name?

Sylvester? No no, each reindeer has to have two syllables, so it keeps the beat. Dasher, Prancer, Comet, Blitzen, even Rudolph has 2 syllables.

Look, let's keep it at nine for now, all right? Anything else?

The store Santas are giving you a bad rep? OK, well, the stores hire the bums, not much we can do on that note. Seasonal work, you know?

I know, but you see, a lot of kids see different Santas each year, I think they know they're not you, but one of your helpers.

Well, your real helpers are busy making toys, not enough of them to spread around stores, malls, and street corners.

No, you can't sue. As a magical entity, you don't have the power to bring suit against every business that displeases you. Look, Santa, I'm headed to lunch with the Tooth Fairy in 10, so let's wrap this up.

Mrs. Claus? What about her?

She wants to be more visible? (sigh) No, no, look, that marriage just quells any rumors, you know?

Rumors about your masculinity. I know, it didn't matter for a long time, but modern times made it necessary.

No, I think she can just help fatten you up and make underwear and socks for the kids.

Yeah yeah, I know, kids don't look forward to opening that crap, nobody does! But it gives her something to do.

No, please, don't TMI me on what she does the rest of the year.

(whistles) Shes does? Wow, sounds like we found you a winner, way to go! (chuckle) Sounds like you're not bored for 364 days anyway.

OK, let's wrap this up. No change in diet, no vitamins, no workout, no further exposure for the Mrs, she's done that for you enough already. No new reindeer and no reindeer power advertising. In exchange you keep your one day a year work day, way down from more than 50, but you did that one to yourself. You have the best home/toy factory on the planet without an HOA, better than the old dump in East Rutherford. Also, you have the cheeriest work force bordering on slave labor, not to mention a hot-trotting wife now.

I thought it would sound good if I laid it out for you like that. Hey, gotta go. The Tooth Fairy has his gripes, too, but I gotta remind him he's locked in for 1 more millenium. Night!